I'm a female and as a female one of my many features is this thing called menstruation. As a female I have to deal with this "problem" every month for 4 to 6 days, during those days several things happen...but for me the most troublesome is cramps! I've been dealing with this joy since I was about 12 and I can only remember two times that I didn't have to endure cramps. The first was the very first time and the second was last year. Other than that I have them...they are painful, burdensome and make me psychically ill (not overstating, it's true). I've tried everything and nothing works. So this is a rant for all those women who have tried to give me advice, though you are well meaning...I'm now 31 and have done all and heard all so your two cents aren't anything new...
Don't tell me to exercise, just cause it works for your daughter doesn't mean it'll work for me (I tried it, it made them worse overall)
Don't tell me to take midol...it doesn't work. My cramps are nuclear, midol can't deal
Don't tell me to drink tea...just makes me hot (women run warmer when menstruating)
Don't tell me to take a hot bath...see the above
Don't tell me that they'll ease up as I become older....I was told this in high school and being 13 years removed from that time, my cramps are worse than ever, so that person was full of it and if they meant when I'm in my 90's then well I guess I have to wait.
Don't tell me I'm faking it...when you throw up, can't get out of bed, get woken up in the middle of the night and can't function properly at work, then you can tell me I'm faking...until then shut it.
Don't tell me to take something...most times I do take something and that something doesn't work...I have to literally take pills, cover myself with a heating pad (for about 2 mins at a time because of the slight fever) and lay in a quiet room, with no smells and something warm and filling to eat to get the pain to leave my body...other than that I'm in pain.
I've done all these things (and more) and I'm stuck with this. This is my precious burden from God and I have to live with it. Fine...but I'd appreciated it if people stopped giving me their advice...especially if they are already in menopause!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Heat
Heat weighs down on you
The sweat of the city drips all around you.
No relief
No sleep
Even your dreams are hot
The smog adds only pressure that rides on your back
You wait for night to come
No Sun, No Heat
No hope as the dark only changes the colors of the heats.
This week, this month, no relief from this Heat
Is that a breeze? hot air from God's mouth scalds your skin
Even the beach doesn't mark the pressure
The heat weighs down causing your walk to speed up.
Causing your every pours to cry sweat
Causing grief
Hide your old
Cover your young
Make way for the cold water
The heat will last there's no relief in sight.
The sweat of the city drips all around you.
No relief
No sleep
Even your dreams are hot
The smog adds only pressure that rides on your back
You wait for night to come
No Sun, No Heat
No hope as the dark only changes the colors of the heats.
This week, this month, no relief from this Heat
Is that a breeze? hot air from God's mouth scalds your skin
Even the beach doesn't mark the pressure
The heat weighs down causing your walk to speed up.
Causing your every pours to cry sweat
Causing grief
Hide your old
Cover your young
Make way for the cold water
The heat will last there's no relief in sight.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Black Bubble
When I was little my mom and I were walking through the market when a man I didn't know smiled at her, said Hi then smiled and waived at me in passing. I didn't know what was going on, but over the years I've experienced that behavior repeatedly. The only explanation I've ever received from my mother is, "It's a black thing". Wait, what?....are there so few black people in Los Angeles that when you see one you must smile, wave and say hello? I don't understand, I don't understand this for two good reason...1) that whole don't talk to strangers thing (it's great for kids, but sometimes I use it as a female in a big city where people aren't always as nice as they seem). 2) the fact that I don't trust men (any man...not just a specific ethnic group). To me it always seems that this exchange happens between men and women. You never see a black woman saying Hi to another black woman they don't know. And if this is a "black thing" then do other races do something similar?
This is what I like to call the black bubble. It's the bubble of blackness that some black people feel all black folks should be in, but not all black folks are the same.
I've encountered black people who only surround themselves with other black people. They only watch black movies and TV shows. They only read black novels and magazines. And they'd never be caught dead dating outside their race (they also tend to hate any "other" person who dates black). These people have usually tried very hard to get me into their bubble, while slowly but surely revealing the various levels of hate/racism they have for others races.
I don't live in that bubble, I've never lived in that bubble. My family (both sides) are completely integrated. My parents friends...completely integrated, my church, my friends, my life is completely integrated. For me to be in this bubble I'd have to take a step back from what I've been taught all my life...acceptance. Why because I'm not going to hate my uncles, cousins and brother for dating, marrying or having babies with non black women. I'm not going to look down on say...the Kardashians (I couldn't think of anyone else) for dating black men. And I'm not going to reject all my non-black friends just because they aren't black. You know why, because I don't care. Love is love and if you're lucky enough to find it no matter what the color, then go grab it. But black people in the bubble don't see it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the first family is black...I'm proud to see people in the black community doing well...I'm not anti-black, I don't see anything wrong with having black pride, but when you hate, then you're just a disappointment and a set back...and I see alot of hate in that bubble. Living exclusively in this bubble isn't the best. I've seen the folks we (the black community) put on pedestals...I've watched the movies and TV shows that we celebrate, but ultimately they just make us look like fools. Please don't get me started on anything on or having to do with BET. That bubble, those people aren't trying to better anything. They're only laughing at themselves.
When I think about how far we've come and how much farther we have to go I realize that we are slowly but surely cancelling out the progress our great leaders made, the pain our grandparents lived through and the sacrifices our parents made only to replace them with hate, grills, booties and ignorance.
Shame on the bubble and Shame on anyone who won't step out of it long enough to learn something different.
This is what I like to call the black bubble. It's the bubble of blackness that some black people feel all black folks should be in, but not all black folks are the same.
I've encountered black people who only surround themselves with other black people. They only watch black movies and TV shows. They only read black novels and magazines. And they'd never be caught dead dating outside their race (they also tend to hate any "other" person who dates black). These people have usually tried very hard to get me into their bubble, while slowly but surely revealing the various levels of hate/racism they have for others races.
I don't live in that bubble, I've never lived in that bubble. My family (both sides) are completely integrated. My parents friends...completely integrated, my church, my friends, my life is completely integrated. For me to be in this bubble I'd have to take a step back from what I've been taught all my life...acceptance. Why because I'm not going to hate my uncles, cousins and brother for dating, marrying or having babies with non black women. I'm not going to look down on say...the Kardashians (I couldn't think of anyone else) for dating black men. And I'm not going to reject all my non-black friends just because they aren't black. You know why, because I don't care. Love is love and if you're lucky enough to find it no matter what the color, then go grab it. But black people in the bubble don't see it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the first family is black...I'm proud to see people in the black community doing well...I'm not anti-black, I don't see anything wrong with having black pride, but when you hate, then you're just a disappointment and a set back...and I see alot of hate in that bubble. Living exclusively in this bubble isn't the best. I've seen the folks we (the black community) put on pedestals...I've watched the movies and TV shows that we celebrate, but ultimately they just make us look like fools. Please don't get me started on anything on or having to do with BET. That bubble, those people aren't trying to better anything. They're only laughing at themselves.
When I think about how far we've come and how much farther we have to go I realize that we are slowly but surely cancelling out the progress our great leaders made, the pain our grandparents lived through and the sacrifices our parents made only to replace them with hate, grills, booties and ignorance.
Shame on the bubble and Shame on anyone who won't step out of it long enough to learn something different.
The Fog
Have you ever been in a mental fog? It's usually so thick and constrictive that you can't see it surrounding you, but you can feel it's weight on your mind and body. It kind of leaves you weak and ruffled, you don't realize you've been in it until you've made your way through it and see it glowing distantly behind you.
That's where I am right now. I feel like a zombie that's stumbled through the last few weeks and now I'm finally starting to see and think clearly. I don't know how or when I stumbled into that state, but I do know that this summer has passed in a fog. A blur that has left me unprepared for the road that lies ahead of me. I vaguely remember work, home, movies, dinners and the occasional good nights sleep, but they all seem distant and hazy like I'm viewing these events through a dirty glass.
Well my fog has lifted or I've made it through, either way, I can see the road ahead of me clearly. I can see the first steps I have to take and though they aren't difficult they will be hard.
That's where I am right now. I feel like a zombie that's stumbled through the last few weeks and now I'm finally starting to see and think clearly. I don't know how or when I stumbled into that state, but I do know that this summer has passed in a fog. A blur that has left me unprepared for the road that lies ahead of me. I vaguely remember work, home, movies, dinners and the occasional good nights sleep, but they all seem distant and hazy like I'm viewing these events through a dirty glass.
Well my fog has lifted or I've made it through, either way, I can see the road ahead of me clearly. I can see the first steps I have to take and though they aren't difficult they will be hard.
Friday, August 20, 2010
About a Dog
So house and dog sitting is old hat to me...I've done it since I was about 18 and I've loved every minute of it. The fact that I can get away, cook my own food, clean up after myself (without having to deal with other peoples messes) and just be silent if I need to, is wonderful! I look forward to any opportunity to do so. For the last week I have been house sitting for two separate families. The first was just the house...I slept, ate, watched TV and washed clothes (it only lasted a couple days, but it was a great kick off) the second stint has been longer and involves watching a dog. The dog whom I've grown attached to and worry about when I'm at work!
Her name is Lulu and although she didn't truly warm up to me until a couple days after my arrival (and after I walked her), I've worried about her since my first day in the house. She was sullen, wouldn't come near me, didn't eat and wouldn't go out to use the potty. The second day was better but only slightly. And on Saturday we made true progress with a a lazy morning and a walk! The week just got better and by the end of my stay I didn't want to leave her. But Alas, I had to!
I'm back at home now, back to the ole grind and I miss that little dog. I got a text from her owner saying she was really happy when they got home. And I instantly wished it was me walking into the house after work to have her jump at my shins, following me around until I sat on the couch to play for a while. I've dog sat before, but this one was special. I hope that I get to care for her again soon. She's definitely got a place in my heart!
Her name is Lulu and although she didn't truly warm up to me until a couple days after my arrival (and after I walked her), I've worried about her since my first day in the house. She was sullen, wouldn't come near me, didn't eat and wouldn't go out to use the potty. The second day was better but only slightly. And on Saturday we made true progress with a a lazy morning and a walk! The week just got better and by the end of my stay I didn't want to leave her. But Alas, I had to!
I'm back at home now, back to the ole grind and I miss that little dog. I got a text from her owner saying she was really happy when they got home. And I instantly wished it was me walking into the house after work to have her jump at my shins, following me around until I sat on the couch to play for a while. I've dog sat before, but this one was special. I hope that I get to care for her again soon. She's definitely got a place in my heart!
Ridiculous Noise
Have you ever met someone who makes noise to get attention? They'll hum, huff, puff, sigh and giggle until you ask them what the deal is? Or someone who eat or drinks and just can't do it quietly? Never had the pleasure...well I have.
There are people around me who love to make, what I consider, ridiculous noises. Here's the thing, I'm a pretty straight forward person. You'll know what I like or don't like if you talk to me. I am opinionated, stubborn and moody...I also have very little tolerance for ridiculousness. So to have someone walk into a room and make noises until someone stops their conversation to speak to them or to sit in the room and LOUDLY suck on a lollipop like it's gonna give you a raise is both childish and rude (and in the case of the lollipop, slightly uncomfortable). I don't make these noises because if I want/need to say something I'll say it.
It would be nice if people just spoke if they needed to say something, without trying to prod people into giving them attention by making stupid sounds...oh one I didn't mention, teeth sucking...OMG get a toothbrush or something!
There are people around me who love to make, what I consider, ridiculous noises. Here's the thing, I'm a pretty straight forward person. You'll know what I like or don't like if you talk to me. I am opinionated, stubborn and moody...I also have very little tolerance for ridiculousness. So to have someone walk into a room and make noises until someone stops their conversation to speak to them or to sit in the room and LOUDLY suck on a lollipop like it's gonna give you a raise is both childish and rude (and in the case of the lollipop, slightly uncomfortable). I don't make these noises because if I want/need to say something I'll say it.
It would be nice if people just spoke if they needed to say something, without trying to prod people into giving them attention by making stupid sounds...oh one I didn't mention, teeth sucking...OMG get a toothbrush or something!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Need to Vent
Okay,
So I realize that my negativity meter is running on high right now (and has been for a while) and though I am working on it...I have to vent today.
I don't get why women/girls find it okay to act like f-ing morons! Why do they feel the need to giggle their "I don't knows" or bat their eyes through the "I've don't get its"? As a woman of some intelligence, I find it very unsettling that in the year 2010, there are women out there who still play that game. We've moved on, stepped up...been educated, and fought for the right to be equal and still we have women who play the fool to get boys to pay attention to them...it's insulting. Here's the thing...I don't even think guys like that...and if they do, then I guess the morons need to stick together, as long as they don't procreate!
Honestly, wouldn't a guy want to be with a person he can have an actual conversation with without having to stop every couple of minutes to explain what they're talking about? Would he want to introduce this person to friends (maybe family) without cringing every time she opened her mouth? I don't know, men are men I'm sure some do like the dumb ones...some do want a stupid woman because the smart ones make them feel dumb. But for a woman to play the fool, or even worse, really be the fool is so antiquated that you have to stumble far back in order to find when that was a truly acceptable practice!
UGH!
So I realize that my negativity meter is running on high right now (and has been for a while) and though I am working on it...I have to vent today.
I don't get why women/girls find it okay to act like f-ing morons! Why do they feel the need to giggle their "I don't knows" or bat their eyes through the "I've don't get its"? As a woman of some intelligence, I find it very unsettling that in the year 2010, there are women out there who still play that game. We've moved on, stepped up...been educated, and fought for the right to be equal and still we have women who play the fool to get boys to pay attention to them...it's insulting. Here's the thing...I don't even think guys like that...and if they do, then I guess the morons need to stick together, as long as they don't procreate!
Honestly, wouldn't a guy want to be with a person he can have an actual conversation with without having to stop every couple of minutes to explain what they're talking about? Would he want to introduce this person to friends (maybe family) without cringing every time she opened her mouth? I don't know, men are men I'm sure some do like the dumb ones...some do want a stupid woman because the smart ones make them feel dumb. But for a woman to play the fool, or even worse, really be the fool is so antiquated that you have to stumble far back in order to find when that was a truly acceptable practice!
UGH!
Friday, August 06, 2010
It's Friday
It's Friday and for some reason I'm happier than I've been in a long time about the close of my week. I guess the fact that I've managed to get good sleep all week, there's been no crazy work stuff and I've had a great start to this week are all influencing factors! I'm just excited for the day and I hope the day goes well!
I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time (maybe ever on this blog) I'm going to list my praises and gratitude's!
So Today I'm Thankful for:
God Forgiveness Peace of heart and mind
Air in my Lungs Home Blood in my veins
Friends that are Family Job Pain
Grace Miracles Tears
Hope My Pastor The Hair on my head
Love My Encouragers
The ability to walk, skip and jump
Music Laughter Children
Beauty My Soul Water
Smiles Hugs Pictures
Wonder
So, as on right this moment, these are the things I'm grateful for...I'm sure I'll add to the list throughout the day, but for right now. It's a start! Until Next Time
I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time (maybe ever on this blog) I'm going to list my praises and gratitude's!
So Today I'm Thankful for:
God Forgiveness Peace of heart and mind
Air in my Lungs Home Blood in my veins
Friends that are Family Job Pain
Grace Miracles Tears
Hope My Pastor The Hair on my head
Love My Encouragers
The ability to walk, skip and jump
Music Laughter Children
Beauty My Soul Water
Smiles Hugs Pictures
Wonder
So, as on right this moment, these are the things I'm grateful for...I'm sure I'll add to the list throughout the day, but for right now. It's a start! Until Next Time
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Anne Rice and her Facebook Post
Yes, I'm a Christian...(I always say I'm a Christian in the true sense, i.e. a follower of Christ...not a "born again christian" i.e. those crazy bible belt picket sign holding hate-filled christians...that's where I categorize my difference.)
I'm also a democratic and pro-choice. I often talk to people about my views on my faith in a "different" way because I see myself as a different type of Christian. I try to see the world through God's eyes...try to allow my heart to break at the sight of the things that would break His...but at the same time...there are things other Christians do and say that I'm completely against. For me, my walk with Christ is a personal relationship with the two of us...like a marriage where others are not involved, because it's not their relationship or their place. Most of the time, when I hear about "Christian Leaders" preaching things I cringe, shake my head or just think, are we reading the same bible? My view of my God seems so different from other Christians that at times I feel completely disconnected...
So when Anne Rice, famous vampire author, took to her facebook page last week to announce her "retirement" from Christianity, I started to read it knowing pretty much what it would say and that I'd whole-heartedly agree with it.
“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.
As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”
You may not agree with what she has to say but I do...and I think it's very fair of her to say all those things, because to her (and me) they are true problems we have with this religious movement. Being a follower of Christ and having a relationship with him is truly lost on many Christians, who feel it's their destiny to point fingers and hate. Christ tells us to love...and to follow Him means to follow His teachings and principles...so why do so many Christians follow men who are just making it up as they go along? I don't know...but I like my relationship with Christ...my personal relationship with Him.
She never said she'd stop following God or Christ...never did she reject the Holy Spirit...what she's saying is she's done trying to follow this doctrine that we as imperfect people have warped to fit our way of thinking. We've changed it from God Centered to hate centered and she's tired of it...so am I.
AMEN
I'm also a democratic and pro-choice. I often talk to people about my views on my faith in a "different" way because I see myself as a different type of Christian. I try to see the world through God's eyes...try to allow my heart to break at the sight of the things that would break His...but at the same time...there are things other Christians do and say that I'm completely against. For me, my walk with Christ is a personal relationship with the two of us...like a marriage where others are not involved, because it's not their relationship or their place. Most of the time, when I hear about "Christian Leaders" preaching things I cringe, shake my head or just think, are we reading the same bible? My view of my God seems so different from other Christians that at times I feel completely disconnected...
So when Anne Rice, famous vampire author, took to her facebook page last week to announce her "retirement" from Christianity, I started to read it knowing pretty much what it would say and that I'd whole-heartedly agree with it.
“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.
As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”
You may not agree with what she has to say but I do...and I think it's very fair of her to say all those things, because to her (and me) they are true problems we have with this religious movement. Being a follower of Christ and having a relationship with him is truly lost on many Christians, who feel it's their destiny to point fingers and hate. Christ tells us to love...and to follow Him means to follow His teachings and principles...so why do so many Christians follow men who are just making it up as they go along? I don't know...but I like my relationship with Christ...my personal relationship with Him.
She never said she'd stop following God or Christ...never did she reject the Holy Spirit...what she's saying is she's done trying to follow this doctrine that we as imperfect people have warped to fit our way of thinking. We've changed it from God Centered to hate centered and she's tired of it...so am I.
AMEN
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
The Immaturity Game.
I have a co-worker who likes to hit.
She likes to punch people because that is her way of expressing herself. I use to express myself in that way, but I grew up, became an adult and learned to keep my hands to myself. This person is immature. I'm not saying that because of the hitting, I've had conversations with her and listened to her talk to others and I always walk away with the same feeling...how can an almost 40 year old woman act like a little girl?
I've dealt with her as long as I've worked here and I don't care if she hits. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big enough inconvenience to warrant a complaint. But now she's not speaking to me and indeed giving me dirty looks because I told her to stop hitting me.
Last week I was walking down the hall (heading out to lunch with my Ipod on and my phone in hand checking twitter) to my left slightly behind me a door opened and someone came out...I immediately got hit on the shoulder, I started to say "I don't know who hit me, but" then before I can finish, whack I'm hit again...to which I replied "________(her name), stop, don't hit me (I knew it was her because no one else would hit me like that). She replied with a sound that could only mean her feelings were hurt.
Whatever, I went about my business, knowing two things...that she would hold this grudge and that she's not mature enough to understand that just because someone asks you to stop doing something you shouldn't do anyway, doesn't mean they are being mean to you or trying to hurt your feelings. Someone asking you to stop hitting them is not a reason to hold a grudge or get your feelings hurt. In actuality, you shouldn't be hitting anyone anyway...
But I know her enough to know what her reaction would be, know her mind wouldn't comprehend the situation without making herself the victim. So it's fine...it doesn't matter (it just bugged me enough to want to write it down). Life Goes On...
She likes to punch people because that is her way of expressing herself. I use to express myself in that way, but I grew up, became an adult and learned to keep my hands to myself. This person is immature. I'm not saying that because of the hitting, I've had conversations with her and listened to her talk to others and I always walk away with the same feeling...how can an almost 40 year old woman act like a little girl?
I've dealt with her as long as I've worked here and I don't care if she hits. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big enough inconvenience to warrant a complaint. But now she's not speaking to me and indeed giving me dirty looks because I told her to stop hitting me.
Last week I was walking down the hall (heading out to lunch with my Ipod on and my phone in hand checking twitter) to my left slightly behind me a door opened and someone came out...I immediately got hit on the shoulder, I started to say "I don't know who hit me, but" then before I can finish, whack I'm hit again...to which I replied "________(her name), stop, don't hit me (I knew it was her because no one else would hit me like that). She replied with a sound that could only mean her feelings were hurt.
Whatever, I went about my business, knowing two things...that she would hold this grudge and that she's not mature enough to understand that just because someone asks you to stop doing something you shouldn't do anyway, doesn't mean they are being mean to you or trying to hurt your feelings. Someone asking you to stop hitting them is not a reason to hold a grudge or get your feelings hurt. In actuality, you shouldn't be hitting anyone anyway...
But I know her enough to know what her reaction would be, know her mind wouldn't comprehend the situation without making herself the victim. So it's fine...it doesn't matter (it just bugged me enough to want to write it down). Life Goes On...
Monday, August 02, 2010
The Simple Things
If you know me then you know that I'm not that high maintenance (of course if you've been reading this blog, then you know that I am emotionally). I like the simple things in life, I don't need a big to do and I don't need to go out and party my life away. I'm fine with a good book, a good talk or just a simple but good day.
Yesterday was one of those days...
I got my hair cut yesterday and after my cut my little sister and I went out to explore and take part in our favorite past time...photography! We can a good lunch and then started to drive (with no particular destination in mind) we ended up in the Angeles National Forest. Along the way we stopped and took pictures...looked around at God's wonderful creation and talked about the things in our lives. By the time we were done we were both completely nackered, but we had smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. She has a digital camera so all her pictures were downloaded on to her laptop as soon as we got back (my film has to go to the shop to be processed). All I can say is beautiful! But it wasn't about the pictures.
Yesterday was really about spending time with people I love and doing something I love...we could have stayed at the house and taken pictures in the yard and it would have been a lovely day. Simple, beautiful, special and lovely. It gave me hope for the week and recharged my overdue batteries...it also gave me a chance to get out and use my camera, which I have been wanting to do for a long time!
We've made plans to do it again at the end of the month and hopefully it'll happen. I can't wait...it'll be a good way to spend my birthday.
Until Next Time
Yesterday was one of those days...
I got my hair cut yesterday and after my cut my little sister and I went out to explore and take part in our favorite past time...photography! We can a good lunch and then started to drive (with no particular destination in mind) we ended up in the Angeles National Forest. Along the way we stopped and took pictures...looked around at God's wonderful creation and talked about the things in our lives. By the time we were done we were both completely nackered, but we had smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. She has a digital camera so all her pictures were downloaded on to her laptop as soon as we got back (my film has to go to the shop to be processed). All I can say is beautiful! But it wasn't about the pictures.
Yesterday was really about spending time with people I love and doing something I love...we could have stayed at the house and taken pictures in the yard and it would have been a lovely day. Simple, beautiful, special and lovely. It gave me hope for the week and recharged my overdue batteries...it also gave me a chance to get out and use my camera, which I have been wanting to do for a long time!
We've made plans to do it again at the end of the month and hopefully it'll happen. I can't wait...it'll be a good way to spend my birthday.
Until Next Time
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Underwear Section and Tim Tebow
So, as a red blooded American woman you'd think the thought of men in their undies would be something I'd love to see...to be honest...sometimes it is. But not in the Underwear section of a clothing store.
I don't know why that is...maybe because in my experience, as an unmarried woman, the only time I go into the men's underwear section is when I'm with my mom and we're buying underwear for my Bro or Dad. In those instances, men in their undies is the least sexy thing I can think of. I hate the experience of standing in the middle of rows of tighty whiteys, while black and white pictures of men in underwear with their junk leaning out to get me. I always complain about it and try my best to get out of the section as fast as I can without having to look up.
So, I'm sure you're asking yourself why I'm talking about this...well this morning it was announced that Tim Tebow has signed a multi-year endorsement deal with Jockey. I like Tim Tebow...I like Jockey...I even think Tim Tebow is hot...but the first thing that came into my mind was me standing in the middle of the men's underwear section with a picture of Tim Tebow looming over my head. A look of sheer vapidness on his face while his (fill in the blank) leans towards me. Not Sexy...Not Appealing...Makes Him Less Hot!
Now, I've seen Tebow in his underwear before (he did a thing with Gatorade during the Super Bowl and had to strip down to his underroos to sit in this egg thing...there are pics on the net) and the ordeal wasn't bad...but still that was different. Why was it different? Because it was...jeez! I don't really need to see him in his underwear. So the thought of walking through JCPenney and seeing a giant Tebow in his underwear isn't something I look forward to.
After continued reading on twitter (where I learned of the announcement) I saw a comparison...Jockey will do with Tebow what Hanes has so successfully done with MJ...if that's the case then great no pics of Timmy in his undies in the stores (have you ever seen MJ in his Skivvies? No, me neither only T-shirts). So doesn't this mean we'll get to see Tebow in funny commercials and not half nekked in stores...gosh I hope so...that makes me feel so much better.
All in all....I have to say Congrats to Timmy on his new endorsement...now all he has to do is sign a contract with his team so he can go to training camp!
I don't know why that is...maybe because in my experience, as an unmarried woman, the only time I go into the men's underwear section is when I'm with my mom and we're buying underwear for my Bro or Dad. In those instances, men in their undies is the least sexy thing I can think of. I hate the experience of standing in the middle of rows of tighty whiteys, while black and white pictures of men in underwear with their junk leaning out to get me. I always complain about it and try my best to get out of the section as fast as I can without having to look up.
So, I'm sure you're asking yourself why I'm talking about this...well this morning it was announced that Tim Tebow has signed a multi-year endorsement deal with Jockey. I like Tim Tebow...I like Jockey...I even think Tim Tebow is hot...but the first thing that came into my mind was me standing in the middle of the men's underwear section with a picture of Tim Tebow looming over my head. A look of sheer vapidness on his face while his (fill in the blank) leans towards me. Not Sexy...Not Appealing...Makes Him Less Hot!
Now, I've seen Tebow in his underwear before (he did a thing with Gatorade during the Super Bowl and had to strip down to his underroos to sit in this egg thing...there are pics on the net) and the ordeal wasn't bad...but still that was different. Why was it different? Because it was...jeez! I don't really need to see him in his underwear. So the thought of walking through JCPenney and seeing a giant Tebow in his underwear isn't something I look forward to.
After continued reading on twitter (where I learned of the announcement) I saw a comparison...Jockey will do with Tebow what Hanes has so successfully done with MJ...if that's the case then great no pics of Timmy in his undies in the stores (have you ever seen MJ in his Skivvies? No, me neither only T-shirts). So doesn't this mean we'll get to see Tebow in funny commercials and not half nekked in stores...gosh I hope so...that makes me feel so much better.
All in all....I have to say Congrats to Timmy on his new endorsement...now all he has to do is sign a contract with his team so he can go to training camp!
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Unfairness of Life
I have a friend...her current dream is to have a baby. She has this wonderful man, a wonderful family (in-laws included) a great job and wonderful friends. From the outside her life looks perfect. And perfect it is, except for one thing. She wants and seemingly can't have a baby. I understand where she is coming from, I can imagine going through the process over and over only to find yourself reaching for a tampon time and again. I can understand the frustration and unworthiness she feels when she has to say, "No, I got my period. or No, I'm not pregnant". Feeling like she's letting down all the people around her, not listening when we all tell her she's not. I can understand that feeling because, secretly, I have those fears too.
So, after sitting with her, listening to her pain and frustration and holding her hand while she cries, I can't understand how random women (who either don't want it or could care less about it) get pregnant everyday. How these women not only get pregnant, but are dumb enough to carry this child and raise it...adding to the already dense population of people over running the world. How could God allow this? How can God seemingly turn his back on someone who repeatedly cries out to him for help and support?
This reminds me of the story of the blind man that Jesus healed. All the people asked Jesus who sinned, the man or his parents that he is blind? Jesus said neither, the man was born and had remained blind to show the glory of God. Then Jesus healed the man and sent him out to tell his story. I'm reminded of this story not because Jesus eventually came and healed the man, but because of the question the people asked. Who sinned, this man or his parents?
Simple and limited (maybe) but completely in the realm of our understanding as humans. Who sinned us or our parents...or maybe our spouse or their parents? God, what did I do that makes me not good enough to have this? Why am I being allowed to hurt?
All these and more are questions I know both my friend and I have asked God. I know that we've gotten the same answer. Nothing, there's nothing we could have possibly done to incurred God's wrath, because God doesn't make us hurt. Yes, he allows it, but it he doesn't make it. So, the question then becomes, why does God allow this to happen?
I don't know, maybe, like in the story, its to bring about the Glory of God. Maybe it's not the right timing or maybe still it's just not meant to be. This last, is the hardest to accept, because it's the most heartbreaking to understand. That this desire of my heart (that God promised me) won't be granted. All we are left with is yet another question....Why?
I can't speak for anyone but myself...I certainly cannot speak for God, let alone truly understand the reason he does things. So for me to ask this question is just another way of torturing myself. God's reasons are his alone and though I don't think He ever intends us to hurt His reasoning's do cause us pain.
I've encountered one more person who's pregnant who I think isn't doing right by their baby...one more unprepared mother with an unprepared father who are just muttering through life waiting to see what this baby is going to do. While my friend...my incredible, amazing friend is struggling with the burden of not having this opportunity. And still, the only question I'm left with is Why?
The unfairness of life is the most limiting and humiliating thing we can live through. The unfairness of waiting with breathe held to gain the true happiness we seek, while seeing others take that happiness for granted. The unfairness we live with everyday...while we go through the motions of our existence wondering and waiting. I know life isn't fair, I know things happen for a reason...and I know that we can't explain everything...but when I look around and see this world I wonder why my friend, who has been through so much can't just have this one thing...this one little thing that she desires so so very much.
The only answer I see is the Unfairness of Life.
So, after sitting with her, listening to her pain and frustration and holding her hand while she cries, I can't understand how random women (who either don't want it or could care less about it) get pregnant everyday. How these women not only get pregnant, but are dumb enough to carry this child and raise it...adding to the already dense population of people over running the world. How could God allow this? How can God seemingly turn his back on someone who repeatedly cries out to him for help and support?
This reminds me of the story of the blind man that Jesus healed. All the people asked Jesus who sinned, the man or his parents that he is blind? Jesus said neither, the man was born and had remained blind to show the glory of God. Then Jesus healed the man and sent him out to tell his story. I'm reminded of this story not because Jesus eventually came and healed the man, but because of the question the people asked. Who sinned, this man or his parents?
Simple and limited (maybe) but completely in the realm of our understanding as humans. Who sinned us or our parents...or maybe our spouse or their parents? God, what did I do that makes me not good enough to have this? Why am I being allowed to hurt?
All these and more are questions I know both my friend and I have asked God. I know that we've gotten the same answer. Nothing, there's nothing we could have possibly done to incurred God's wrath, because God doesn't make us hurt. Yes, he allows it, but it he doesn't make it. So, the question then becomes, why does God allow this to happen?
I don't know, maybe, like in the story, its to bring about the Glory of God. Maybe it's not the right timing or maybe still it's just not meant to be. This last, is the hardest to accept, because it's the most heartbreaking to understand. That this desire of my heart (that God promised me) won't be granted. All we are left with is yet another question....Why?
I can't speak for anyone but myself...I certainly cannot speak for God, let alone truly understand the reason he does things. So for me to ask this question is just another way of torturing myself. God's reasons are his alone and though I don't think He ever intends us to hurt His reasoning's do cause us pain.
I've encountered one more person who's pregnant who I think isn't doing right by their baby...one more unprepared mother with an unprepared father who are just muttering through life waiting to see what this baby is going to do. While my friend...my incredible, amazing friend is struggling with the burden of not having this opportunity. And still, the only question I'm left with is Why?
The unfairness of life is the most limiting and humiliating thing we can live through. The unfairness of waiting with breathe held to gain the true happiness we seek, while seeing others take that happiness for granted. The unfairness we live with everyday...while we go through the motions of our existence wondering and waiting. I know life isn't fair, I know things happen for a reason...and I know that we can't explain everything...but when I look around and see this world I wonder why my friend, who has been through so much can't just have this one thing...this one little thing that she desires so so very much.
The only answer I see is the Unfairness of Life.
Reluctant Conservative.
Okay...let me just say this. I'm not a Republican...sorry I'm not.
I didn't vote for W. and I did vote for Obama....I don't watch Fox News and I think TeaBaggers are ridiculous, stupid and blind. But the more I've listen, learn and lived in the last year the more I realize there are a couple of issues I have conservative leanings to. Can I just tell you, this has left me dismayed and I'm sure many people would try to argue the facts with me...and that's fine, I'll gladly listen. But my gut tells me that some things I just can't get past and those things I feel strongly about.
I'm not going to state here which topics have me leaning...but I will say this...I am reluctantly admitting to conservative tendencies....but I still think Sarah Palin is a moron.
I didn't vote for W. and I did vote for Obama....I don't watch Fox News and I think TeaBaggers are ridiculous, stupid and blind. But the more I've listen, learn and lived in the last year the more I realize there are a couple of issues I have conservative leanings to. Can I just tell you, this has left me dismayed and I'm sure many people would try to argue the facts with me...and that's fine, I'll gladly listen. But my gut tells me that some things I just can't get past and those things I feel strongly about.
I'm not going to state here which topics have me leaning...but I will say this...I am reluctantly admitting to conservative tendencies....but I still think Sarah Palin is a moron.
Let the Fire Simmer down
On Friday I was given some news that really hurt and shocked me. And in that moment I was ready to start a war and bring as many people down as possible. But I stopped myself...knowing that I was not in the right state of mind to convey the message and information I needed/wanted to get across. So I wait...
With every intention of writing an angry email to two people I got in my car and started to vent to my mother, who in her motherly wisdom told me to wait. She told me to go about it all in a different way and to see if what I thought was real of blown out of proportion. So I did...I didn't think about it all weekend, I let the fire simmer down and the steam vent out of me.
Arriving at work I knew what I had to do, so I wrote an email, not an angry one. A curious one...and that was all I needed to start the ball rolling...turns out things weren't what I thought they were and I almost made a mistake. I kept my head and now hopefully I'm now the road to problems solved.
That is, until the next time it happens. So lesson of the day...take some time before you react. It's could save you in the end.
With every intention of writing an angry email to two people I got in my car and started to vent to my mother, who in her motherly wisdom told me to wait. She told me to go about it all in a different way and to see if what I thought was real of blown out of proportion. So I did...I didn't think about it all weekend, I let the fire simmer down and the steam vent out of me.
Arriving at work I knew what I had to do, so I wrote an email, not an angry one. A curious one...and that was all I needed to start the ball rolling...turns out things weren't what I thought they were and I almost made a mistake. I kept my head and now hopefully I'm now the road to problems solved.
That is, until the next time it happens. So lesson of the day...take some time before you react. It's could save you in the end.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sitting in church...
...letting the sermon wash over you and not paying any attention to it. That was me on Father's Day. I went to church for the first time in a while (and only because it was Father's Day) and I realized that I've completely check out of the church thing.
If you've been reading this blog for the last year then you already know I've checked out of the church thing because, well, I've been talkin about it for quite some time. But finally I have seen the light (so to speak). I understand that right now me sitting in a church trying to listen and being completely distracted by EVERYTHING else in the building is not what I want to do on my Sunday mornings.
By contrast I'd rather spend my Sunday mornings sleeping in, catching up with friends, taking pictures or just watching television. Pretty much anything other than sitting in a building trying to listen to something that's out of my head. It doesn't feel real to me. The relationship I have with God right now, the communication we have between us is so much more real to me than sitting and being dictated to. I know that's not the intention of the speaker, I understand the church dynamic and the church's function enough to know that there is a good reason for it. I also know that God wants us in a fellowship with other believers...but when those other believers are not encouraging, but draining or when you'd rather cut your arm off than say hello to people then maybe, just maybe, your time there has come to an end.
Just Sayin'
If you've been reading this blog for the last year then you already know I've checked out of the church thing because, well, I've been talkin about it for quite some time. But finally I have seen the light (so to speak). I understand that right now me sitting in a church trying to listen and being completely distracted by EVERYTHING else in the building is not what I want to do on my Sunday mornings.
By contrast I'd rather spend my Sunday mornings sleeping in, catching up with friends, taking pictures or just watching television. Pretty much anything other than sitting in a building trying to listen to something that's out of my head. It doesn't feel real to me. The relationship I have with God right now, the communication we have between us is so much more real to me than sitting and being dictated to. I know that's not the intention of the speaker, I understand the church dynamic and the church's function enough to know that there is a good reason for it. I also know that God wants us in a fellowship with other believers...but when those other believers are not encouraging, but draining or when you'd rather cut your arm off than say hello to people then maybe, just maybe, your time there has come to an end.
Just Sayin'
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Overstepping or being an informative friend?
A couple weeks ago I bade farewell to the first of 3 friends/co-workers I have at work. She didn't leave the company, just the state and so I won't be able to see or talk to her the way I used to. I have been able to put aside my personal feelings and understand that we all move on for our own reasons and that she couldn't let this opportunity pass her by. She came in for two half days to clean up some things and pack up her office before she drove off into the sunset of her LA life and the dawn of her DC life. But she left behind boxes of personal and work-related stuff to be sent to her new office...where it would await her arrival. Well that didn't happen.
I brought down most of her boxes and informed the powers that be, that although she didn't care how it was sent, she expected her items to be there when she arrived (in 2 weeks time). Well, the powers that be, even after numerous inquiries on my part, didn't find themselves concerned with the project at hand and ignored it until....the Friday before she was to arrive at her new office. That's when, we were told to tape up her stuff and send it. So, I taped up each box like I was taping up my life and prepared them for shipping. I was under the impression that another co-worker who was present at the time was handling the forms and processing each box to be sent out that night....low and behold, when I entered the office the following Monday morning I was asked a curious question, "where's Kelli's stuff?" I turned, looked and pointed with dismay to the windowsill where the 6 boxes where still sitting right where I left them.
Clearly I was mistaken or the powers that be, didn't really care when her belongings arrived. I knew deep down that this would go a rye. I knew that I should have emailed Kelli to prepare her for the disappointment, frustration and anger she'd feel when walking into her office with nothing there for her to unpack. I really wanted to let her know what she was in for...but I didn't want to overstep my boundaries as a lowly worker who has no say in anything. I didn't want to rattle the flames of anger and have them sent out in every direction.
I did however, resolve to answer the question that would be asked of me...what took so long? I told myself that since I couldn't for warn her, but I could be honest if she asked me about it...and I was. I told her the truth, let her know what happened and tried to be a friend. It all worked out in the end, but not without unnecessary stress and frustration. Oh, just another day in the life!
I brought down most of her boxes and informed the powers that be, that although she didn't care how it was sent, she expected her items to be there when she arrived (in 2 weeks time). Well, the powers that be, even after numerous inquiries on my part, didn't find themselves concerned with the project at hand and ignored it until....the Friday before she was to arrive at her new office. That's when, we were told to tape up her stuff and send it. So, I taped up each box like I was taping up my life and prepared them for shipping. I was under the impression that another co-worker who was present at the time was handling the forms and processing each box to be sent out that night....low and behold, when I entered the office the following Monday morning I was asked a curious question, "where's Kelli's stuff?" I turned, looked and pointed with dismay to the windowsill where the 6 boxes where still sitting right where I left them.
Clearly I was mistaken or the powers that be, didn't really care when her belongings arrived. I knew deep down that this would go a rye. I knew that I should have emailed Kelli to prepare her for the disappointment, frustration and anger she'd feel when walking into her office with nothing there for her to unpack. I really wanted to let her know what she was in for...but I didn't want to overstep my boundaries as a lowly worker who has no say in anything. I didn't want to rattle the flames of anger and have them sent out in every direction.
I did however, resolve to answer the question that would be asked of me...what took so long? I told myself that since I couldn't for warn her, but I could be honest if she asked me about it...and I was. I told her the truth, let her know what happened and tried to be a friend. It all worked out in the end, but not without unnecessary stress and frustration. Oh, just another day in the life!
Friday, July 09, 2010
Hatin
This subject has be bugging me for more than a year, so I have finally decided to speak on it.
Rihanna and Chris Brown.
Over a year ago the night before the Grammy's there was an altercation between Chris Brown and Rihanna in the rented vehicle they had for the night. The results of which left Rihanna beaten and bloodied. Now, I'm not going to speculate on what happened that night, who was at fault, or who started the fight. What I do want to talk about is one particular persons view about the situation and it's results and why I think that person is full of it.
After photos leaked, most people turned their backs on Chris Brown...because, well, in this society its wrong for a man to put his hands on a woman, let alone beat the crap out of her like she was a man. From the photographs taken by LAPD, that's just what Chris Brown did. He beat the crap out of and left her on the sidewalk. Bruises all over her body, bloodied and left without any assistance. Rumors are that this was not the first time he'd hit her either...but I'm not going there.
After the incident I had a conversation with someone (we'll call her Ann) who said, "I hate Rihanna", when I asked Ann why she said it, she went on to explain that in her opinion it was Rihanna's own fault for the beating. That Rihanna should never have picked up his phone and started going through it (supposedly the fight started when she found dirty texts from some other woman on his phone). Ann also said that Rihanna had no business looking through his phone. When I asked her if this had happened to her and her husband would she feel the same way...she attempted to make the two situations different. Ann also tried to backpedal and say that no woman deserves to get beaten.
Over the last year, every time someone mentions Chris Brown or Rihanna, Ann makes some kind of comment about that situation. Always saying the same thing... "I hate her", "It was her own fault" and "She ruined Chris Brown's career".
I chose to no longer listen to Chris Brown after this incident. I only like two of his songs anyway, so it was really no big deal to me. What is a big deal is that another woman would blame Rihanna, the victim, for this man beating her. I mean she could have called him every dirty name in the book and still that's no reason to hit her and if a woman (or man) feels like there's ever a reason for a man to hit a woman well then I'd gladly give them my two cents on it.
Rihanna got beat up, Chris didn't/doesn't know or understand how to control his rage enough to not hit people. When you're in a committed relationship and pick up your significant other's phone and start looking at it then, well, look at it. He felt no need to lock his phone or he told her the pass code, either way (if the story is true) he felt no need to hide his phone from her. So she found stuff she doesn't like and like any normal woman she goes off....so he beats her head against the window and starts hitting every body part he can reach? Really?
I had to think, was this acquaintance of mine really saying that she thinks Rihanna deserved that or was it something else. Ann happens to be black and there are many (she being one) black women who don't like black men dating outside their race....wait, you're thinking Rihanna's black...well, sorry to tell you but most (American) black women wouldn't see her as such. She's Caribbean...or Barbadian so therefore she isn't black! I didn't put this all together until the whole Tiger Woods mess. Because Ann believes that Tigers wife shouldn't get anything but jail....yes she thinks that Tiger should have called the police on his wife that night and sent her to jail. Because this white girl took a good black man and beat the crap out of him when she found out he was cheating...so I asked her "what would you have done?" because I know her enough to know that if her husband had cheated she would have done worse then chase him around the house with a golf club. .
But this isn't about men cheating on their women, this isn't even about people getting beatin, this comes down to Black men with non-black women. For me personally it's not a big deal...it's very minor. I happen to come from a family of mixed people...I have Mexican, Black, White, European and American Indian people in my family...So, to me, love and life is just that. The color of ones skin doesn't effect me....but to Ann it does and it makes me wonder even more, if that is the true reason she hates Rihanna?
Rihanna and Chris Brown.
Over a year ago the night before the Grammy's there was an altercation between Chris Brown and Rihanna in the rented vehicle they had for the night. The results of which left Rihanna beaten and bloodied. Now, I'm not going to speculate on what happened that night, who was at fault, or who started the fight. What I do want to talk about is one particular persons view about the situation and it's results and why I think that person is full of it.
After photos leaked, most people turned their backs on Chris Brown...because, well, in this society its wrong for a man to put his hands on a woman, let alone beat the crap out of her like she was a man. From the photographs taken by LAPD, that's just what Chris Brown did. He beat the crap out of and left her on the sidewalk. Bruises all over her body, bloodied and left without any assistance. Rumors are that this was not the first time he'd hit her either...but I'm not going there.
After the incident I had a conversation with someone (we'll call her Ann) who said, "I hate Rihanna", when I asked Ann why she said it, she went on to explain that in her opinion it was Rihanna's own fault for the beating. That Rihanna should never have picked up his phone and started going through it (supposedly the fight started when she found dirty texts from some other woman on his phone). Ann also said that Rihanna had no business looking through his phone. When I asked her if this had happened to her and her husband would she feel the same way...she attempted to make the two situations different. Ann also tried to backpedal and say that no woman deserves to get beaten.
Over the last year, every time someone mentions Chris Brown or Rihanna, Ann makes some kind of comment about that situation. Always saying the same thing... "I hate her", "It was her own fault" and "She ruined Chris Brown's career".
I chose to no longer listen to Chris Brown after this incident. I only like two of his songs anyway, so it was really no big deal to me. What is a big deal is that another woman would blame Rihanna, the victim, for this man beating her. I mean she could have called him every dirty name in the book and still that's no reason to hit her and if a woman (or man) feels like there's ever a reason for a man to hit a woman well then I'd gladly give them my two cents on it.
Rihanna got beat up, Chris didn't/doesn't know or understand how to control his rage enough to not hit people. When you're in a committed relationship and pick up your significant other's phone and start looking at it then, well, look at it. He felt no need to lock his phone or he told her the pass code, either way (if the story is true) he felt no need to hide his phone from her. So she found stuff she doesn't like and like any normal woman she goes off....so he beats her head against the window and starts hitting every body part he can reach? Really?
I had to think, was this acquaintance of mine really saying that she thinks Rihanna deserved that or was it something else. Ann happens to be black and there are many (she being one) black women who don't like black men dating outside their race....wait, you're thinking Rihanna's black...well, sorry to tell you but most (American) black women wouldn't see her as such. She's Caribbean...or Barbadian so therefore she isn't black! I didn't put this all together until the whole Tiger Woods mess. Because Ann believes that Tigers wife shouldn't get anything but jail....yes she thinks that Tiger should have called the police on his wife that night and sent her to jail. Because this white girl took a good black man and beat the crap out of him when she found out he was cheating...so I asked her "what would you have done?" because I know her enough to know that if her husband had cheated she would have done worse then chase him around the house with a golf club. .
But this isn't about men cheating on their women, this isn't even about people getting beatin, this comes down to Black men with non-black women. For me personally it's not a big deal...it's very minor. I happen to come from a family of mixed people...I have Mexican, Black, White, European and American Indian people in my family...So, to me, love and life is just that. The color of ones skin doesn't effect me....but to Ann it does and it makes me wonder even more, if that is the true reason she hates Rihanna?
Can't Open Up, Not Willing to Try
I realized a long time ago that I was in this thing by myself. Not saying that I don't have people around me that I can talk to, but I can't talk about certain things to all the people around me. I have wounds that are so deep and painful that I've even tried to hide them from myself. So for me to open up about these things is a terrifying process to even think about.
I learned, after a particularly horrifying ordeal, that my parents would rather not discuss anything negative. They'd rather act like the situation didn't exist and for that reason I know that I cannot (and will not) share anything with them. My parents don't fully understand me, I'm sure they think I'm strange and if I do try to vocalize any type of concern or frustration with them, they just don't get it or they are too quick to criticize me. So I don't, not anymore. I keep everything close to the vest, I only say what I don't really care about, because my true feels are libel to be thrown back in my face when I'm at my most vulnerable time.
It's not just my parents, I think that is an overwhelming theme in all my relationships. At all times I censor the things I say to not hinder a friendship. To not put myself in the other person's bad light (if that makes any sense). I say this because well, it's my problem. One that I hope to eliminate and discard as I strive to build more satisfying relationships. I sometimes think too much about what other people will feel or think so I keep the most important stuff close. I'm unwilling to let them go, even though I know I'll feel better when I do.
So for now, this is my "can't open up, not willing to try"...the alternative is just too painful.
I learned, after a particularly horrifying ordeal, that my parents would rather not discuss anything negative. They'd rather act like the situation didn't exist and for that reason I know that I cannot (and will not) share anything with them. My parents don't fully understand me, I'm sure they think I'm strange and if I do try to vocalize any type of concern or frustration with them, they just don't get it or they are too quick to criticize me. So I don't, not anymore. I keep everything close to the vest, I only say what I don't really care about, because my true feels are libel to be thrown back in my face when I'm at my most vulnerable time.
It's not just my parents, I think that is an overwhelming theme in all my relationships. At all times I censor the things I say to not hinder a friendship. To not put myself in the other person's bad light (if that makes any sense). I say this because well, it's my problem. One that I hope to eliminate and discard as I strive to build more satisfying relationships. I sometimes think too much about what other people will feel or think so I keep the most important stuff close. I'm unwilling to let them go, even though I know I'll feel better when I do.
So for now, this is my "can't open up, not willing to try"...the alternative is just too painful.
How did I get so mean...
I was just thinking about that. I didn't used to be so mean and ornery. I used to be a very happy go lucky, go with the flow kind of person, and now I'm just mean. Well, maybe not mean, but aloof...I don't care very much about the people around me (in my everyday life). I used to lovingly give all I had to everyone, not withholding any of the friendship back. I would just present myself and go for it. I guess a lot can change in a year or two and after being burned by the people you think are your friends (even family) your outlook on relationships changes.
I think that I changed a lot in the last year and a half. I don't know if it was a good change or a bad one, but what I do know is the change made me think about my priorities. It made me wonder if I was living up to my potential or if I was just settling. Along with that I found myself looking at love, romance and marriage in a different way. I've learned a hard lesson and I'm slowly understanding that I let me ultimate selfishness get in the way sometimes. I don't regret any choices I've made, because every choice is a learning experience. But I have found myself questioning why I made the choices I did and if I let others influence them.
In all reality, I'm an adult who made decisions out of frustration, emotion, selfishness and fear. I can own that and I can say that I don't regret them...I can also say that if I had to do it all again I would probably make the same choices. I'd come to the same conclusion in the end. I will grow, sometimes the weeds may come up and try to strangle me and in my fear I'll say or do something rash, it's not an excuse, its the truth. No one's perfect, no one can tell me what I can and can't do. All anyone else can do is try and help, (if I let them) be a shoulder and watch me fall.
I'm waiting for the one person I can truly open up every wound to and if this stumble leads me to the soul mate I've been searching for then, these series of stumbles is well worth it.
I think that I changed a lot in the last year and a half. I don't know if it was a good change or a bad one, but what I do know is the change made me think about my priorities. It made me wonder if I was living up to my potential or if I was just settling. Along with that I found myself looking at love, romance and marriage in a different way. I've learned a hard lesson and I'm slowly understanding that I let me ultimate selfishness get in the way sometimes. I don't regret any choices I've made, because every choice is a learning experience. But I have found myself questioning why I made the choices I did and if I let others influence them.
In all reality, I'm an adult who made decisions out of frustration, emotion, selfishness and fear. I can own that and I can say that I don't regret them...I can also say that if I had to do it all again I would probably make the same choices. I'd come to the same conclusion in the end. I will grow, sometimes the weeds may come up and try to strangle me and in my fear I'll say or do something rash, it's not an excuse, its the truth. No one's perfect, no one can tell me what I can and can't do. All anyone else can do is try and help, (if I let them) be a shoulder and watch me fall.
I'm waiting for the one person I can truly open up every wound to and if this stumble leads me to the soul mate I've been searching for then, these series of stumbles is well worth it.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Really...Nothing
For the last few weeks, I've been writing, rewriting and correctly posts...but none of them seems to capture any of the ideals I'm trying to deliver and frankly....most of them suck. I'm not trying to be perfect, but I am trying to hold your attention long enough to carry you though an entire post.
The few I haven't deleted with minutes have been sitting wait to be published....but I still don't know if I'll do it....
The few I haven't deleted with minutes have been sitting wait to be published....but I still don't know if I'll do it....
Thursday, June 17, 2010
My New Favs
I was going to write this post about my new favorite futbol couple, but the wind was all knocked out of me and I'll just keep this short and sweet.
I LOVE Posh and Becks...but I think of them more as a celebrity couple than a futbol couple...but my love for them is not diminished in the least. My new futbol couple is Coleen and Wayne Rooney of England. He plays for Manchester United (Becks' old team) and the English National Team and she's a supreme shopper, journalist, TV presenter, design and new mom. She's got a wonderful sense of style and they are just so cute together.
And they are my new Favs!
I LOVE Posh and Becks...but I think of them more as a celebrity couple than a futbol couple...but my love for them is not diminished in the least. My new futbol couple is Coleen and Wayne Rooney of England. He plays for Manchester United (Becks' old team) and the English National Team and she's a supreme shopper, journalist, TV presenter, design and new mom. She's got a wonderful sense of style and they are just so cute together.
And they are my new Favs!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Why are Black People...
I just did I Google search on Why are black....someone showed me this before and the whole "why are black people" thing was rigged...the first search help item was Why are black people so loud. But I tried it today to see if it's changed and it has...now the first one is Why are black people better athletes. But that's not the one that had me laughing...oh no. At the bottom of the list is "Why are black people afraid of dogs"...which when you think about it...it in some cases true, but not in general. For instance, I live in a house with black people who are afraid of dogs...I'm not...neither is Michael Vick.
But it just seems funny to me, because well I've known quite a few black people that this applies to. Check it out for yourself!
But it just seems funny to me, because well I've known quite a few black people that this applies to. Check it out for yourself!
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Easy to turn the corner
So, you wouldn't know joy without the pain and you wouldn't know the summit if at first you hadn't climbed the mountain. So, I wouldn't know the contentment I'm now feeling if it wasn't for the hole that filled my heart a few weeks ago.
I talked about being mad at God. About how alone I felt, like He had abandoned me to myself and my uselessness. I even wrote a poem about it (I Am Alone) and here's the thing...I had to go through that valley...truth is I'm not sure I'm completely out of it, but I can see the road starting to ascend. It's going some place I can't see but I have to have faith that it's the place God wants me to be (oh and I'm rhyming).
These periods in the valley happen...they happen to everyone who's walking along side God trying to live their lives the way He wants them to. I mean look there's a whole book in the Bible full of people going through the valley. It's called Lamentations! I don't think it surprises God that's these times happen, what may or may not surprise him is the way we react to our time in the valley. Do we remain faithful or do we run away from the one person helping us through? David (my biblical hero and the Man after God's own heart) had his fair share of peaks and valleys which he laid out side by side in the book of Psalms. We aren't bad Christians because we have rough days...were human.
Jesus came down here to save us (from ourselves) and I also believe came so that He and God could truly understand what it's like to be human, to be created by perfection but to not be perfect. To have all these obstacles placed in front of us and know how hard it is to overcome or surrender to them. He knows how we feel, he understands that pain...that out of control, deep down sorrow that grips us one day and cannot be explained fully. He gets it and we know that even when we can't feel him he's there...yes maybe He's pulled away a bit, but He's there.
I have a serious deep valley about once a year...that time when it even hurts to be thankful for the life I have, because it seems that everything in that life is wrong. But I come out of it...every time. I come back to a place where I know that God is near, loving and happy for me. Those times I can almost see Him. Those are the times I relish because those are the times when I'm not only content, but happy. Am I in that place right now? No, but I'm getting there...I'm content and that's the first step. I'm faithful and that's the biggest step I can take.
I went from feeling isolated, alone and miserable to feeling pretty good about life....it's not perfect, but it's good and I'm thankful for it!
I talked about being mad at God. About how alone I felt, like He had abandoned me to myself and my uselessness. I even wrote a poem about it (I Am Alone) and here's the thing...I had to go through that valley...truth is I'm not sure I'm completely out of it, but I can see the road starting to ascend. It's going some place I can't see but I have to have faith that it's the place God wants me to be (oh and I'm rhyming).
These periods in the valley happen...they happen to everyone who's walking along side God trying to live their lives the way He wants them to. I mean look there's a whole book in the Bible full of people going through the valley. It's called Lamentations! I don't think it surprises God that's these times happen, what may or may not surprise him is the way we react to our time in the valley. Do we remain faithful or do we run away from the one person helping us through? David (my biblical hero and the Man after God's own heart) had his fair share of peaks and valleys which he laid out side by side in the book of Psalms. We aren't bad Christians because we have rough days...were human.
Jesus came down here to save us (from ourselves) and I also believe came so that He and God could truly understand what it's like to be human, to be created by perfection but to not be perfect. To have all these obstacles placed in front of us and know how hard it is to overcome or surrender to them. He knows how we feel, he understands that pain...that out of control, deep down sorrow that grips us one day and cannot be explained fully. He gets it and we know that even when we can't feel him he's there...yes maybe He's pulled away a bit, but He's there.
I have a serious deep valley about once a year...that time when it even hurts to be thankful for the life I have, because it seems that everything in that life is wrong. But I come out of it...every time. I come back to a place where I know that God is near, loving and happy for me. Those times I can almost see Him. Those are the times I relish because those are the times when I'm not only content, but happy. Am I in that place right now? No, but I'm getting there...I'm content and that's the first step. I'm faithful and that's the biggest step I can take.
I went from feeling isolated, alone and miserable to feeling pretty good about life....it's not perfect, but it's good and I'm thankful for it!
Sunday, June 06, 2010
God by any other name
Is God by any other name less than God? I've always wondered about this...and yes a lot of Christians are going to frown upon me for voicing this or even thinking about it. But in my curiosity and in my study of the Bible, God and Jesus Cristo I've come upon a question that I just can't shake.
Is God by any other name less than God?
I know there's a commandment in the Bible that says we are to put no gods before God. I know it, I understand it and it's easy to find the simplest things we can set up as idols around us. I'm not talking about idols, I'm talking about God.
In Jr. High my teacher, Mrs. Go, told us that God meets everyone where they are. Most people hear that and think "spiritually", I like to think about it psychically. We know that man has been scattered across the world for ages. We also know that since the tower of Babel those men have spoken different languages and for a time couldn't communicate with each other. In all those languages, though there's always been God. We've always known who/what God is. So would it be so hard to believe that God revealed himself to people in a different part of the world, in their language...that He conveyed the story of Jesus' virgin birth and anguished death for the good of us all? And that these stories would/could be given to people in languages other than Greek and Hebrew?
Here is where historians (and knowledgeable unbelievers would say that the story of Jesus was stolen from the "pagan" religions), but what if? What if the tales of Krishna, Mohammad, Horus...where just different versions of our Father, Son and Holy Spirit tales? What if these stories sprung out of God's attempt to meet people where they were?
Now, I 'm not a Bible scholar nor am I a theologian and really I'm not the most knowledgeable Christian around, but I do feel like I have some of the same questions a non-Christian would have. Some of these question are dismissed because the theologians don't want to answer or simply don't know how to. Living in this world where the 3 major religions are a t war is the perfect (some would say worse) time to ask those questions...but it's ridiculously hard to get the answers.
I'm sure someone is reading this thinking of all the differences between the religions...thinking I'm crazy for posing these questions...saying there's no way that these very different groups of ideals could have sprung from the very same fabric. Well, why not? People can take conjure and confuse the simplest thing into something that will fit everyone easily. So why couldn't it be the same with religion. The interpretation of the message will always be screwed up but who's to say the entity delivering the message wasn't the same?
When we get down deep to the answers for these questions. When we put aside all prejudice, bigotry and superiority. When we exercise the powerful brains we have, then and only then we will find an answer, but until then my question remains...
Is a God by any other name less than God?
Is God by any other name less than God?
I know there's a commandment in the Bible that says we are to put no gods before God. I know it, I understand it and it's easy to find the simplest things we can set up as idols around us. I'm not talking about idols, I'm talking about God.
In Jr. High my teacher, Mrs. Go, told us that God meets everyone where they are. Most people hear that and think "spiritually", I like to think about it psychically. We know that man has been scattered across the world for ages. We also know that since the tower of Babel those men have spoken different languages and for a time couldn't communicate with each other. In all those languages, though there's always been God. We've always known who/what God is. So would it be so hard to believe that God revealed himself to people in a different part of the world, in their language...that He conveyed the story of Jesus' virgin birth and anguished death for the good of us all? And that these stories would/could be given to people in languages other than Greek and Hebrew?
Here is where historians (and knowledgeable unbelievers would say that the story of Jesus was stolen from the "pagan" religions), but what if? What if the tales of Krishna, Mohammad, Horus...where just different versions of our Father, Son and Holy Spirit tales? What if these stories sprung out of God's attempt to meet people where they were?
Now, I 'm not a Bible scholar nor am I a theologian and really I'm not the most knowledgeable Christian around, but I do feel like I have some of the same questions a non-Christian would have. Some of these question are dismissed because the theologians don't want to answer or simply don't know how to. Living in this world where the 3 major religions are a t war is the perfect (some would say worse) time to ask those questions...but it's ridiculously hard to get the answers.
I'm sure someone is reading this thinking of all the differences between the religions...thinking I'm crazy for posing these questions...saying there's no way that these very different groups of ideals could have sprung from the very same fabric. Well, why not? People can take conjure and confuse the simplest thing into something that will fit everyone easily. So why couldn't it be the same with religion. The interpretation of the message will always be screwed up but who's to say the entity delivering the message wasn't the same?
When we get down deep to the answers for these questions. When we put aside all prejudice, bigotry and superiority. When we exercise the powerful brains we have, then and only then we will find an answer, but until then my question remains...
Is a God by any other name less than God?
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Revelation
I woke up this morning...thinking about a conversation I had the other day...about words that were used to describe a situation..."getting back to normal" all I could think of was, "God, I hope not". Because normal in that case wasn't exactly ideal. It was the perfect fairy tale life that people from the outside saw looking through the rose colored windows of that house. In truth, I think that after the nightmare of this past year, normal is what they should be trying to stay away from...then it hit me.
The things that I've seen recently, the relationship trails I witnessed are just that. Trails I'm witnessing! You see, these aren't my relationships and though I know I'm not privy to all that goes on in these marriages (nor do I care to be) I did think I knew quite a bit. But still I'm on the outside only hearing one side of the story, forming my own conclusions and opinions on what I've seen and heard. Here's the thing...I'm wrong.
I realize that I will never know the true inner workings of someone else's relationship. Therefore, no matter what I think or say my opinion, in the long run, doesn't matter! A few months ago I sent one of my best friends' husbands an email. I thanked him for the care he showed for her when she really needed it. You see I've never fully understood him, he and I have differing personalities so he's hard for me to read, but I just never viewed him as the wonderful man and husband he truly is. I didn't think he was bad...just, I don't know, maybe a little aloof? The response I got was really hurtful at the time, but now I understand it. He basically said, that from the outside I can never see whats truly going on on the inside. And though I was hurt, I had to respect him because, well, he was right (Randy you were right!).
That's where I am now, I can't know...I can't know what a woman is willing to put herself or her children through. I can't know what a woman is willing to take and I can't know what a man is willing to settle for. In the relationships I've watched sink, I've seen different things. Things that I tell myself I wouldn't put up with...but when I get into a relationship, when I'm in the grind everyday and the unknown goods and bads...when I love that other person so much it hurts, what will I be willing to put up with? That's the question I have to tackle now. That's the question I have to be ready to answer when the time comes.
It's easy to sit back and play referee from the stands...and it's easy to be disappointed when you see someone give into what you think is the wrong idea. But what I think really doesn't matter.
The things that I've seen recently, the relationship trails I witnessed are just that. Trails I'm witnessing! You see, these aren't my relationships and though I know I'm not privy to all that goes on in these marriages (nor do I care to be) I did think I knew quite a bit. But still I'm on the outside only hearing one side of the story, forming my own conclusions and opinions on what I've seen and heard. Here's the thing...I'm wrong.
I realize that I will never know the true inner workings of someone else's relationship. Therefore, no matter what I think or say my opinion, in the long run, doesn't matter! A few months ago I sent one of my best friends' husbands an email. I thanked him for the care he showed for her when she really needed it. You see I've never fully understood him, he and I have differing personalities so he's hard for me to read, but I just never viewed him as the wonderful man and husband he truly is. I didn't think he was bad...just, I don't know, maybe a little aloof? The response I got was really hurtful at the time, but now I understand it. He basically said, that from the outside I can never see whats truly going on on the inside. And though I was hurt, I had to respect him because, well, he was right (Randy you were right!).
That's where I am now, I can't know...I can't know what a woman is willing to put herself or her children through. I can't know what a woman is willing to take and I can't know what a man is willing to settle for. In the relationships I've watched sink, I've seen different things. Things that I tell myself I wouldn't put up with...but when I get into a relationship, when I'm in the grind everyday and the unknown goods and bads...when I love that other person so much it hurts, what will I be willing to put up with? That's the question I have to tackle now. That's the question I have to be ready to answer when the time comes.
It's easy to sit back and play referee from the stands...and it's easy to be disappointed when you see someone give into what you think is the wrong idea. But what I think really doesn't matter.
Friday, June 04, 2010
NeedHim.org
I guess you can say this is a non promotional promotion.
Last night I saw a commercial for a ministry called Need Him. What got me were two things...(1) the commercial looked a lot like the Apostle's Creed video shown at my church and (2) the wording used....specifically the line "this is not about religion, this is about a relationship". As you know (if you've been reading this blog for a while) I don't believe in the trappings of religion. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't trap myself in the box the "church" tells me I should be in, through tradition and here say, instead I believe in a relationship between God and myself.
So it was weird and thrilling to hear the statement in this video, and though I haven't had much time to read up on this group. I can say that if they really are trying to help people build a true relationship with God then I can side beside them in that...though if they aren't, if they are just trying to build up another mega church full of people who really don't know what to believe, then I'm out!
The fact that this commercial hit me in my gut makes me think that it's legit...but I've been wrong before. So, if you chose to go to the site and read up on this ministry, remember that I haven't condoned or condemned it. I'm just interested and thought someone else would be too.
Last night I saw a commercial for a ministry called Need Him. What got me were two things...(1) the commercial looked a lot like the Apostle's Creed video shown at my church and (2) the wording used....specifically the line "this is not about religion, this is about a relationship". As you know (if you've been reading this blog for a while) I don't believe in the trappings of religion. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't trap myself in the box the "church" tells me I should be in, through tradition and here say, instead I believe in a relationship between God and myself.
So it was weird and thrilling to hear the statement in this video, and though I haven't had much time to read up on this group. I can say that if they really are trying to help people build a true relationship with God then I can side beside them in that...though if they aren't, if they are just trying to build up another mega church full of people who really don't know what to believe, then I'm out!
The fact that this commercial hit me in my gut makes me think that it's legit...but I've been wrong before. So, if you chose to go to the site and read up on this ministry, remember that I haven't condoned or condemned it. I'm just interested and thought someone else would be too.
Needy
I wrote a great post about being needy on my phone the other night. It was wonderful (if I do say so myself). It was something I had been thinking about for a while and in writing it I hit all the points, made all the comments and was very well pleased with it. But I did it on my phone and even though I saved it...it's gone.
So this wonderful piece of writing I spend time on is gone and no one will ever know how I feel about needy acquaintances who zap you of all your strength then don't return the favor doing your needy time....
Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!
So this wonderful piece of writing I spend time on is gone and no one will ever know how I feel about needy acquaintances who zap you of all your strength then don't return the favor doing your needy time....
Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!
Weirdness
Look around seeing nothing in everything before me
Life seems to get smaller as the world becomes more consumed by itself
The fancy eats the shabby, unless it's chic and we watch while kids cry behind us
This place isn't what it's supposed to be, this is just crazy
Hiding doesn't take away the fear of the unknown
Something is lurking just over the horizon and it's terrifying
Wonder how long it'll take before everyone wakes up to the dark
Blinded by the nothingness we've projected onto ourselves
Torture, tortured...what are we, animals?
Moving slowly, creeping, trying to out stalk the stalker
But we fail in our purpose as our ADHD washes over us
Steering us into a different direction away from safety and deeper into the dark
Washed in the fire we've created
Doubting the subjects we've out our trust in
Summoning the strength we're too lazy to use
Trying to control a world we've allowed to get outta hand
The old wish for the "good ol' days"
The young wish for money and fame
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Only ourselves, only the fools we've come to be
Chasing a dream we can't truly fathom
We've sunk into the darkest of deeper holes...
Only a miracle can get us out!
Life seems to get smaller as the world becomes more consumed by itself
The fancy eats the shabby, unless it's chic and we watch while kids cry behind us
This place isn't what it's supposed to be, this is just crazy
Hiding doesn't take away the fear of the unknown
Something is lurking just over the horizon and it's terrifying
Wonder how long it'll take before everyone wakes up to the dark
Blinded by the nothingness we've projected onto ourselves
Torture, tortured...what are we, animals?
Moving slowly, creeping, trying to out stalk the stalker
But we fail in our purpose as our ADHD washes over us
Steering us into a different direction away from safety and deeper into the dark
Washed in the fire we've created
Doubting the subjects we've out our trust in
Summoning the strength we're too lazy to use
Trying to control a world we've allowed to get outta hand
The old wish for the "good ol' days"
The young wish for money and fame
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Only ourselves, only the fools we've come to be
Chasing a dream we can't truly fathom
We've sunk into the darkest of deeper holes...
Only a miracle can get us out!
Thursday, June 03, 2010
The Duggars
I've recently become extremely fascinated by the Duggar Family(These are the people with 19 kids, they also have a show on TLC called 19 Kids and Counting)! I don't know why really, I guess, just over time, after hearing so much about them, I just decided to look them up and see what the big deal was all about.
Well, the big deal is their big family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, their youngest was born premature (and only 3 months after their first grandchildren) in December. That's a lot of children, more than I could ever wish to have but hey, they believe that God will provide them with as many children as he sees fit for them to have and really their hearts, minds and souls seem to be in the right place. I can't begrudge them anything because they are doing the best thing for their family and (as it seems from the show) they are raising some great people!
Over the years I have read and heard of people being upset that these two adults are having so many children. Well in this day and age more than 3 is a ridiculous amount to some and to others it's just the start. I do have to say that when I first heard about them I thought the same thing, but I wasn't angry or upset...I just thought "hey, that's a lot of kids and why would someone put themselves in that situation". I do have to say that like any tax paying American citizen I thought of the financial burden these people most be on the country. Then I read their story.
The Duggars have a website (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) which tells their story and why they've chosen to have so many children, how they support their family and are completely debt free...yes, debt free! They don't owe anyone any money and they are raising their children to follow suit. So are these people...Is this family putting a strain on the tax payer, Nope! Not like other recent news makers with a lot of children, these two adults are living their dreams with their boat load of children without costing me a dime. Yes, that's a selfish way to think about it, but it's true.
So, why am I so fascinated? I'm still not sure. I don't know if it's the debt free living or the homeschooling or the amount of children...or if it's the seemingly simple life the lead, in the midst of having 19 children. Maybe it's some of it, or maybe it's all of it. I know one thing...when I'm done watching an episode of their show I have a smile on my face. It does my soul good to see so many happy faces and two parents who love all their children and are doing the best they can for them...especially in a world where parents don't always care about the children they bring into the world.
Well, the big deal is their big family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, their youngest was born premature (and only 3 months after their first grandchildren) in December. That's a lot of children, more than I could ever wish to have but hey, they believe that God will provide them with as many children as he sees fit for them to have and really their hearts, minds and souls seem to be in the right place. I can't begrudge them anything because they are doing the best thing for their family and (as it seems from the show) they are raising some great people!
Over the years I have read and heard of people being upset that these two adults are having so many children. Well in this day and age more than 3 is a ridiculous amount to some and to others it's just the start. I do have to say that when I first heard about them I thought the same thing, but I wasn't angry or upset...I just thought "hey, that's a lot of kids and why would someone put themselves in that situation". I do have to say that like any tax paying American citizen I thought of the financial burden these people most be on the country. Then I read their story.
The Duggars have a website (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) which tells their story and why they've chosen to have so many children, how they support their family and are completely debt free...yes, debt free! They don't owe anyone any money and they are raising their children to follow suit. So are these people...Is this family putting a strain on the tax payer, Nope! Not like other recent news makers with a lot of children, these two adults are living their dreams with their boat load of children without costing me a dime. Yes, that's a selfish way to think about it, but it's true.
So, why am I so fascinated? I'm still not sure. I don't know if it's the debt free living or the homeschooling or the amount of children...or if it's the seemingly simple life the lead, in the midst of having 19 children. Maybe it's some of it, or maybe it's all of it. I know one thing...when I'm done watching an episode of their show I have a smile on my face. It does my soul good to see so many happy faces and two parents who love all their children and are doing the best they can for them...especially in a world where parents don't always care about the children they bring into the world.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Goodbye Facebook!
Goodbye Facebook you were fun while you lasted, but I found myself increasingly unhappy with you and the people on your site...so I bid you a farewell! I will always remember the fun we had together but I won't really miss you.
That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now!
See Ya!
That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now!
See Ya!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Mary Kay
Over the past few months I have been trying to decide whether I want to take on the responsibility of selling Mary Kay. I thought about the extra money I could make, the great experiences I could have and of course the epic failure waiting for me at the end of the road.
So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!
So, Until Next Time
So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!
So, Until Next Time
Ventura...here I come?
My friend Kristi has a plan...she's had this plan since she moved to Ventura (about 7 maybe 8 years ago). Her plan...to get me up to Ventura too! Kristi is a determined person and once she puts her mind to something it seems to happen. And as I see her, she's also a free spirit who leaps and isn't afraid of where she might land. That is, I'm sure, why she moved out to California from Indiana in the first place. So, even though this plan of hers has been in effect for a while and even though I've been okay with it, I'm now starting to warm up to the idea completely.
I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.
UPDATE
The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!
I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.
UPDATE
The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!
Mad at God Revisited
A few posts ago I wrote about a friend of mine who was mad at God (here) I went on about how she shouldn't be mad at God because he is preparing something more for her and she just hasn't seen it yet. I also related her tale of woe to my own. I was fairly levelheaded when writing out that particular blog post. Even after writing it God gave me the opportunity to minister to her and try to express everything I wrote about, so that she could understand the real truth behind the story.
Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.
Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Farewell That Sucked!
Don't get me wrong...I understand that some opportunities cannot be passed up. I also understand that sometimes people are just ready to move on to bigger and better things...and still, I understand that people make decisions to chase their dreams or further their lives...but I'm not always ready for someone to move away from their place in my life. Today I got news that someone I have come to count on for a good talk, even if it's about nothing, is on her way out of my comfort zone.
Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.
It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...
So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.
Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.
It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...
So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Quotes, Verse and Inspirations
The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "No." ~
Rorschach (Watchmen)
Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps
What we say reveals who we are!
The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~1 Timothy 1:7
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe
The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.
There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.
I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!
Rorschach (Watchmen)
Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps
What we say reveals who we are!
The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~1 Timothy 1:7
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe
The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.
There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.
I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Writing, writing and more writing
As you can tell by the post dates I have my ups and downs when it comes to writing. There are times (like now) when I don't feel I have enough time in the day to express the things I want to in the way I want to. Then there are other times when I just don't have anything to say. But I read this blog (www.stuffchristianslike.com) and the author was asked how he goes about writing his blog...his answer made me think, it also gave me a new way to write my blog out so that I don't go long periods without a post then short periods with many.
Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
Until Til Next Time
Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
Until Til Next Time
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