Colour Barriers pt 2

  I think I've always secretly wondered if I was missing out on something because I don't have any black friends...never really have. I know there are lots of factors/reasons why I've never been around lots of black people (outside my family and even then, that's not alot) and why I've never had any black friends. I understand it all, but that hasn't kept me from wondering. Wondering what it would be like, how different my world view and opinions would be.


  Let's get one thing clear...I'm not talking about living in the black bubble or anything like that. I'm just wondering about the black experience the way I've never been able to view it before. My experience through life has been much more focused on being a girl, being a daughter, being the eldest child and being a Christian...and even though I've been black through all these things, my life hasn't been about that. A couple weeks ago my friend said "if you marry a white guy your kids won't have much of the black experience" (well that's a paraphrase). I guess that's true, but my response was..."I don't know how to be black, I know how to be me". Me is the black girl who'd rather watch Futbol and NASCAR than Basketball. I'd rather listen to English Pop than Rap. But that's me...and if I'm lucky enough to have kids...they'll get me.


  It brings me back to the experience of living the life I'd see in a Tyler Perry movie...sure there are white people in the shadows, but the main cast is black. There experience is different from mine. It's not good, bad or ugly...just different and my curious brain wonders what that world and experience would be like. 


  What would I be like?

Colour Barriers pt 1

  This whole Trayvon Martin situation has got me thinking...again, about the friends I have around me and the people I tend to gravitate to. Since race has been in the news so much (I've even seen race attributed to the reason why Tim Tebow gets so much attention) I can't help but take a look at how I feel about race and how it effects my life. Quite honestly, although I don't think about race or allow race to influence my everyday actions there have been times in my life where I know I'm being judged by the color of my skin and the texture of my hair. It's a fact that in this country people are conditioned to believe certain things about certain people. That's fine (here's my opinion on it  here). I know that my parents feel a certain way about how, as black people, my brother and I should act. I also know that I worry everyday about my brother as a young black man walking about this city. But I don't lead my life in the "everything that happens is about my race" mentality. Do I think everything happens for a reason...sure, but I don't believe that reason is the color of my skin.
   The truth about me is that I come from a family that's been truly integrated in all ways. I have aunts who've been White and Mexican and I'm pretty sure my brother is going to marry an Asian girl. My parents grew up in the same neighborhood I did and have always been surrounded by a mix of peoples...and so I have. I don't think about race because the only times I've ever felt uncomfortable because I'm black have occurred in places that weren't my typical areas (Yucaipa, Idaho and once in Ventura) other than that, in my little bubble of East LA, I am comfortable. My brain doesn't immediately jump to conclusions because I wasn't raised to think that other races were out to get me. But I feel like I'm in the minority. I feel like I've missed alot because I live in this state of perpetual racial ignorance, could this be true, could I be completely over thinking this or could I be living in a my own world where none of this really matters?

Uncomfortable At Church

 About a year ago I noticed something weird. I was sitting in church and this person across the sanctuary stared at me the entire time. I could feel their eyes on me and every time I looked their way, they were indeed looking directly at me. I shrugged it off as a fluke and went about my church going business. I did asked my mother who this person was, cause I honestly didn't know, and explained the situation to her. She told me who this person was then completely dismissed my feelings (as she always does) saying that maybe this person just wanted to ask me something...from across the church throughout an hour and a half church service...okay?. Over the next few months, however, this person continue their staring ways, staring at me at pretty much every instance they could. Never actually speaking to me when I thought they might (in fact it seemed they were just walking toward me to get a closer look). Eventually it started to freak me out. So, instead of causing some type of scene or complaining about it. I just chose to ignore this persons ridiculous actions.
  Fast forward to two weeks ago...my mother tells me that she has finally witnessed this behavior and that she thought it was a little weird. She said she thought this person wanted to say something to me (because I sang a solo during the service) but they never actually opened their mouth, just stood there staring. I'm at a loss...it's been a year and I'm still awkward...it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable and although I ignore it, I can't help but wonder who else has not only noticed this, but maybe experienced it. I don't think this person is bad or will try to harm me, but  I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm in God's house trying to worship.


   What do you think I should do?