Goodbye Facebook!

 Goodbye Facebook you were fun while you lasted, but I found myself increasingly unhappy with you and the people on your site...so I bid you a farewell! I will always remember the fun we had together but I won't really miss you.


  That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
   I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
  So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
   And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now! 
    See Ya!

Mary Kay

 Over the past few months I have been trying to decide whether I want to take on the responsibility of selling Mary Kay. I thought about the extra money I could make, the great experiences I could have and of course the epic failure waiting for me at the end of the road.
  So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
  This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!


   So, Until Next Time

Ventura...here I come?

My friend Kristi has a plan...she's had this plan since she moved to Ventura (about 7 maybe 8 years ago). Her plan...to get me up to Ventura too! Kristi is a determined person and once she puts her mind to something it seems to happen. And as I see her, she's also a free spirit who leaps and isn't afraid of where she might land. That is, I'm sure, why she moved out to California from Indiana in the first place. So, even though this plan of hers has been in effect for a while and even though I've been okay with it, I'm now starting to warm up to the idea completely.
    I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.


                                                                  
                                                            UPDATE
   
         The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
         It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
         So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!

Mad at God Revisited

 A few posts ago I wrote about a friend of mine who was mad at God (here) I went on about how she shouldn't be mad at God because he is preparing something more for her and she just hasn't seen it yet. I also related her tale of woe to my own. I was fairly levelheaded when writing out that particular blog post. Even after writing it God gave me the opportunity to minister to her and try to express everything I wrote about, so that she could understand the real truth behind the story.
 Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
  As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
   I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will  look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.

The Farewell That Sucked!

Don't get me wrong...I understand that some opportunities cannot be passed up. I also understand that sometimes people are just ready to move on to bigger and better things...and still, I understand that people make decisions to chase their dreams or further their lives...but I'm not always ready for someone to move away from their place in my life. Today I got news that someone I have come to count on for a good talk, even if it's about nothing, is on her way out of my comfort zone.


Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.


It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...


So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if  I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.

Quotes, Verse and Inspirations

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "No."  ~
Rorschach (Watchmen)


Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps



What we say reveals who we are!



The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!



For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
                                                                                                          ~1 Timothy 1:7



"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe



The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.



There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.



I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!

Writing, writing and more writing

    As you can tell by the post dates I have my ups and downs when it comes to writing. There are times (like now) when I don't feel I have enough time in the day to express the things I want to in the way I want to. Then there are other times when I just don't have anything to say. But I read this blog (www.stuffchristianslike.com) and the author was asked how he goes about writing his blog...his answer made me think, it also gave me a new way to write my blog out so that I don't go long periods without a post then short periods with many.
    Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
    So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
    Until Til Next Time
   

I Am Alone

God don't you see me? You don't, do you?
Don't you hear me?
My soul's crying, the tears can't be stopped and the only one who can do anything about it won't.


I'm on borrowed time, aren't I?
This journey of mine is almost up
I'm moving on to something that I cannot control
There's nothing I can do but sit and wait as my life sinks slowing and passes me by


God don't you care?
I've asked for this, (in the scheme of things this one thing is tiny compared to the building of the world)
But I can't have it can I?
There's nothing for me here


My world is full of pain, lost in the grieving I'll never come back from
You've left me here, alone
I've done what you asked and still nothingness over takes me
I can't feel the sun anymore and my heart is broken, again


I'm in the dark calling out, for this; but this will never come.
Will I continue to have my heartbroken, my mind punished for wrongs I can't remember?
What have I done to deserve the unending anguish
Why do you hate me?


I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone


This is where I'll always be
No one sees fit that I may be loved
I am weak before the end of me
Calling out my soul finds deaf ears


Tears are cried forever, even when they don't run from my eyes
I have been abandoned
I have been pulled into this world of decay, to die
Alone


Never failing to understand that the one thing I want I can never have
My life is set to be marked with disappointment until death comes for me
Then and only then will I truly understand what I've never been allowed to have
On that day the pain will kill me again


My life means nothing and I steal away from the skies
I cannot repair my heart and you only see fit to allow it to break
Am I not deserving of love?
Am I not meant to be loved?


I see your answer everyday, my life in shambles and pain
You put me here in torture
God has left me in pain.
I am alone

Westboro Baptist Church

 I started to write this really heart felt ranting post about this church..but to back myself up I decided to read up on them and you know what...instead of writing about them and their wholly unintelligent and hateful actions and words. I decided to leave it alone...because anyone with any ounce of real intelligence we see right through them!

Until Next Time

Can't Resist

  
 This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I put it away and forgot about it. Then I changed purses and found it again. The day I wrote it I couldn't not smile. I felt really good, even though the feeling was fleeting it was nice to know that I could still feel that way.


   There's always that one person you can't resist. The one person who makes you giddy, who makes you feel good even if you know they're not food for you. We all have one and mine just popped back into my life.
   I ran away, I left a situation that would have gotten me in trouble if I had stayed. I knew it would, because I set myself up for it. I let myself fall into it because it was better to be around it, then to not have it. But at some point you have to figure out what's best for you and I did. The best thing for me was to leave, so I left and it was right.
   After sometime I got a phone call (several actually but I never answered the others) and knowing what I was doing I called back leaving a friendly message, nothing more, nothing less. Then it happened, the conversation that should have taken place years ago. I told truths that I had held on to and they were taken and understood. I was honest with my feelings and even though they were reciprocated they were acknowledged. And it feels good!
   Now I have that rush again, that shortness of breath, that flutter in my stomach, the longing in my heart feeling that I thought went away with time and absence. I was wrong...it's still there waiting to hear that voice and see that face again. I miss him, and even though I'm older, he's still a trouble I don't think I can resist.

Separate

  I was just looking at photos from a life gone by...honestly looking at photos of former co-workers remembering old times and acknowledging the fact that they aren't in you life anymore. Not only that but that you've so changed since that time that you don't know if you could have the same type of relationship you used to.
  I've found myself isolated from people and that's fine but at the same time it's sad to look back and remember the fun. Not knowing where I'll be a year from now is scary and liberating...and frustrating. I don't want to the know the future I just want to know I'll be happy and this time in my life will pass.
  The High Time wouldn't be without the Low...the Peaks wouldn't come without laboring through the Valleys and the end wouldn't be so rewarding if the search weren't so hard.

Harry Potter Analysis

 As you know (maybe not), I am a big fan of the Harry Potter series. I enjoy those books tremendously and I've read and re-read them countless times. Some friends of mine have a daughter who just read through the entire series this past summer (literally all 7 books). She has finally convinced her father to read the series because, well they're good reads. He is reading them, not only that, he is also analysing their Christian message.
  Most Christians will not allow their children anywhere near these books because they deal with subject matter that Christians demean detrimental to their children. Witchcraft. What people fail to realize is this, the witchcraft aspect of the novel is just another setting in the world. To me it would be like Harry was a teenage boy in Iraq who was Muslim (Christians probably wouldn't let their kids read that either), but it's that simple, just another setting a different world from ours.
  My friend has decided to find the lines that link Harry's world to what Christians consider their spiritual world (walk). So far he's only done two Chapters of the first book, but he has done a good job and though I haven't spent LOTS of time thinking about it I have thought (somewhat) about the parallels...he's gone deeper than I ever cared to.
  To me these books are JK Rowling's equivalent to The Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narina. Both those series were written by devout Catholics and she as a Christian, wanted to write these novels. Now, I'm not sure if she wrote them with the intentional Christian slant, but when you actively walk with God everything you do takes on that slant. I do know that some aspects of the book she did use intentionally (i.e. certain, bible verse and references).
   Why am I writing about this you may ask? Well its simple...I think that he's doing a good job with them. So I'm trying to decide whether or not I should put them up on the blog...I'm thinking about encouraging him to re-activate his blog and put them up there. But since he's doing Chapter by Chapter it'll be a long road...so I have time to decide. I think it'll be interesting.
   Okay, and for all those you fear the Christianizing of yet another book...if you have read or listened to any JK Rowling interviews you would know where she stands. I see it like this...another person is setting off on the adventure with Harry...and although I know where that adventure leads, I am happy that someone else will enjoy it...as I soon will (again) too.

Mad At God

    Now as I look at it, I have various reasons to be mad at God. Some I've discussed on here (lack of a relationship, failure of friendships, distrust, etc.) but there are more I have chosen not to discuss on this stage. But I figure I have some pretty good reasons to be angry, hurt and generally mad at the Big Guy upstairs, but I chose to put my anger away. It doesn't mean I don't (from time to time) feel the anger begin to rise when I didn't get something I feel I should have.
    You see I learned that our relationships with God aren't tit for tat...it's not God saying "Melanie, if you pray to me and read your bible daily I will give you everything you want" and there's no open negotiations going on. God hears our prayers but chooses what's best for us. He sees all the things I can't possibly imagine are coming and he does his best to steer me in a different direction away from the bad. I am, however, stubborn and easily distracted so I usually walk right into the bad of my own free will....then like a good father he's there to pick me up off the floor and carry me to safety and comfort. So me being mad at Him isn't really helping me...it's only hurting me. Because the time and energy I'm using to be mad at God is time and energy I can be using to take the steps to becoming who I really am and gaining what I really want.
    I'm sure you're wondering what brought this on...I just had a conversation with a co-worker...she's mad at God...she's done with him...because she feels like He hasn't given her what she really wants. I understand where she's coming from...she's older than me and she's basically in the same place as me. We want some of the same things and it's hard to watch your friends get the things you so desire, but as I've learned recently just because you're friends have something doesn't mean that that something is wonderful. It's not always rainbows, Daisy's and sunshine...sometimes it's hell! And if God is using this time in my life to prepare me for those rough times then I'll take it.
    My Mexican mom (Maria) is confident that I will one day meet the man of my dreams and have this wonderful family...and honest to God I'm pretty sure she's the only one who thinks that. But she told me once that God is going to send me someone incredible and that God's molding both of us to be exactly what the other needs. I can only pray that she speaks the truth and that this time of sadness and loneliness will someday transfer into joy.
    So mad at God...yeah there are those times, but I find that the times I'm most upset with the Big Guy are the times I lean on Him the most. Don't get me wrong, I tell Him exactly how I feel. I've yelled, cried, thrown tantrums and pouted but I've also given Him the respect Hes due and tried to understand that He knows all the things I don't. I would rather be happy by myself then have a relationship with someone who will cheat on me without remorse. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I am not truly happy or comfortable and I would rather be in a relationship that I have to wait for that will last forever, then to have one now that will end shortly. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much, sometimes I think my hopes are too high, then I say to myself that I'm worth all the standards I've asked for. I'm worth all my hopes and dreams...and so is he, that guy I'm waiting for.
    There's no need to be mad at God...not for me. I have more than many and I see all those things as blessings. I'm sad that this girl is mad at Him, because it's not His fault and the emptiness will pass...although it doesn't feel like it, there will be a day when she'll realize it doesn't hurt anymore. But if we don't lean on God when it hurts then how can we dance before him when it doesn't?

You May Say I'm A Dreamer...

  The past couple of months I've been trying hard to figure out how I could have been so naive about the state of the world around me. How I could think/believe that the blatant racism rising up in the Tea Party movement would/could never happen. Part of it has to do with the fact that I watched as this country elected a Bi-Racial man as our president. But the other, I realized is rooted in a moment from my childhood...


  I can clearly remember the first time I heard, grasped onto and truly understood the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. I was sitting at home in front of the television and this video came on...John Lennon sitting at a piano in a dark room with Yoko Ono by his side....as he sung this song asking us to Imagine this world she moves away from him opening the curtains on the floor to ceiling windows...letting the light flow over him...all in white. The song captured me and I was fully caught in the imagination of a child wanting the world to be better.
  From that moment on I think I've had my Rose Colored glasses on...not seeing the world in it's true form but in an askew form of a world working to become that perfect world Mr. Lennon was talking about. Only seeing the good, refusing to look at the bad and trying my best to believe that the words that captured my heart at that young age had captured everyone else's...I was wrong.
  The problem is truly that the song speaks beautifully about a perfect world. And we as humans can't have a perfect world because we are not perfect. We are angry, hate-filled, spiteful liars. We steal, kill and cheat each other without hesitation and we can't truly accomplish everything he speaks of because we don't really have it in us to. I know now that I was so influenced by hope that I lived on a make shift cloud. When I took my glasses off to watch in full glory the presidency of Barack Obama, I realized sadly that although we've moved in great steps toward a better world, we have also fallen so very far short of being anywhere near where we should be.
  I don't think that John was saying that this world would one day be perfect, what I think he was saying, is that if we were to all sit down and imagine ourselves in a perfect world then we would come out of the experience wanting to make the world around us better. Some did, but others didn't catch that point. We live in a global market...a global community where the coffee I buy in the morning directly effects someone in Africa or South America. So you'd think that we'd be at a point in 2010 where there'd be no hunger, no child dying of preventable disease and no people living with illness because companies are charging them ridiculous prices for medication. But in 2010, we still have all this and more!


  My mind is blow, my heart sadden and my eyes full of tears at the state of the world. And at the fact that people are so selfish and stupid that they'd rather protest, spit on and ridicule others than to really help them. That's what wrong with this world and that is why we will never be the world that John Lennon sang about. Tragic and unnecessary!




Here's a link to the video!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GAHFrLAxzM