Sunday, January 17, 2010

Computer

We've got a new computer!

So I will be able to update this sucker more often...haven't been writing lately. I guess that means I'm doing well...after the last post I was emotionally drained so I took some time off...

I'm going to focus on the Photography blog getting pictures up over there so go by and see it!

I'll keep you all updated on my updating! See ya!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Writing, writing and more writing just on here

So, it's been a while since I've been on this blog...and sadly it's because I no longer have a computer at home! The house computer died and I no longer sit at the reception desk for long periods of time so my access to this blog is limited. I tried to update via the mobile app, but it will only let me upload a limited amount of characters so anything I say longer than a standard text is a moo point!

Anyway, it's the new year and I decided to do something new. I tend to over think stuff and then it all runs through my head for ridiculous periods of time. I rethink, analyze and question things repeatedly...it's driving me crazy. So I made myself a booklet and I'm writing it in every chance I get...I'm writing everything open letters, random thoughts...I'm just thinking on paper and surprisingly it's working...I'm not harping on things that I don't need to be harping on...it's making things so much easier to deal with and work through.

I made the booklet on the 5th of January and I've written in it everyday (except yesterday) since. It's a great relief. Some writings I will probably end up posting on this blog (in fact, some have already made it) most, probably not...I don't intend to hurt people (which some musing might do) but I do need to do this for myself, so what I can post I will, it's part of my journey, part of my life and growth. I'm trying to live my life out loud and to the fullest. So that means sharing as much of me as I can.

I'm excited, hope you are too!

From January 9, 2010

DISCLAIMER: This is VERY personal, but I feel the need to post it, because maybe the person it's meant for will one day read it. Part of the reason I started this blog was so that my family would learn some things about me. But they aren't interested and have missed many many things...this is an open, angry, hurt letter...




So you think I'm not married and I don't have any kids because I dismissed the hundreds of guys beating down the door? You must think that it's easy for me to watch everyone else have babies or get married or actually go on a date.


So this is all my choice? This is everything I wanted my life to be and you're upset because you don't have any grand kids? Have you ever stopped to think that this isn't the life I wanted? That I wish everyday that I was married and a mother?


God and I have gone through this over and over again. And apparently I have to get use to the fact that I'm not getting married, I'm not having babies and no one wants me and God doesn't see fit to change that!


So I'm sorry you're disappointed, I'm sorry you have to deal with the burden of not having grand kids. I have to deal with the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But you're right, it's so bad for you, you have it so terribly bad!



Do me a favor don't ask me to go places with you just so you can bad mouth me in front of your friends, which you seem to do every time! Ever wonder why I don't like going certain places with you?



But wait you're too busy lamenting about your lack of grandchildren to think about how I feel!

(From January 8, 2010) The Aldersons

This post isn't set out to belittle any family type relationships I have with others. It's just to point out the overwhelming sense of joy my heart feels at this point in time about the possibility of being wanted...as sad as that may sound.

God places us in a family unit to learn and grow while we are young, but sometimes the members of that family do more harm than good. Because of this we may unknowingly search for a suitable replacement. My childhood was scarred. I held resentment toward most people around me, so at a young age my search began.

Over the years I've found many variations on a family I can plug myself into, places where I felt comfortable and never left. Over time as I grew as a person I've strayed from most of those relationships moving onto a new family that could fit my needs.

This has been my pattern but that pattern has just changed. I've found a new family but this time instead of me imposing myself on them (which I actually tried to avoid, so I wouldn't be a pest) they grabbed me and haven't let go. What do I say but Thank You to them and to God. There's so much love showering down on me that it almost feels like the void of love I don't get from certain blood relatives is full...

Almost!

From January 6, 2010

My prayers with God are like a running conversation in my head, they never really stop, I never really say Amen, it's just me and Him talking. His voice is like that voice everyone has in their head, the voice of reason. You see to me, I know what God wants from me. I just don't want to do it. His voice in my head reminds me of his plan for me. It's a plan I've known about for a long time, a plan He has used other people to drop seeds and hints to me about it.

In the last 6 months our conversations have run through many topics, but there are a few recurring ones. Nurturing friendships, honoring Him by helping others, getting into His words and going back to school. God has recently put people in my life that retrieve passed conversation (between He and I) and bring back certain things to the forefront of my mind. As always, He's laying the foundation and using others to build on top of it. To remind me of what should be important in my life...worrying about things I can't control isn't as important as I think it is.

Right now, I'm only fighting it because I'm scared, but I know He's with me and there's nothing to fear, but my humanness is still a scared child in the dark. I'm sure these conversations will continue. I'm sure I will continue to fight against His lead because my human fear is holding me back. Even though I have an idea of what I need to to do, the path isn't completely lit...so I struggle against that fear of the dark (unknown).

I can feel Him standing beside me encouraging me to leap, but my feet are glued to the spot and I'm hiding my face in His robes!

From January 5, 2010

I had an interesting conversation with Momma Maria today. She told me about a dream she had about me.

I was working for a mega church apparently with a lot of responsibilities and I was traveling all over the place. My hair was different (the way I want it, before I told her how I want it) and we were at the church's coffee shop. I was on a date (with a tall guy). But I think the most encouraging thing was that I was happy.

I'm going through a transition right now, I feel okay (sometimes) that I'm not where I thought I'd be in life especially the "not married" part. But there are days when I'm down about not being in a relationship (like today when I noticed an engagement ring on a co-workers finger), about not having ever been in love, about whether or not I ever will be.

The conversation made me think and gave me a warm felling inside, like this could happen for me. That maybe God knows what he's doing. But Maria was right, he show us things we choose not to see. Maybe I'm not seeing what God has for me because I'm too busy telling him what I want.