The older I get the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for isn't in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not.
My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I Don't Care
That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...
Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.
I don't care....
Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.
I don't care....
Monday, October 17, 2011
Where Has My Joy Gone?
I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.
This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.
I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.
This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.
No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.
It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.
This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.
I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.
This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.
No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.
It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
You Can't Fight Her Battles
You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.
So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.
It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.
So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.
Maybe I'm Not Ready
It's that time of year when I complain about not being where I thought I'd be. When I get mad at God for not holding up his end of the bargain. I should be married and raising a family...I should be surrounded by amazing people and learning from them daily. I should be happy.
Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.
Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Looks
I've never been the girl in the mirror, never. I didn't even carried a mirror on my person until I was in my 20's. I didn't care what I looked like, it wasn't important to me (not a priority). When girls around me were experimenting with make up and checking themselves in their compacts before walking into class, I was only worried about not making eye contact with my classmates. I've never found myself attractive so I never understood spending any amount of time trying to make myself look good for the opposite sex (they weren't looking at me anyway).
I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.
Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.
So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!
Until Next Time
I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.
Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.
So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!
Until Next Time
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Opinions...right or wrong
I may get some crazy responses to this...I may not, but I will share my opinion without fear, because even though I think I'm right, everyone has a right to believe whatever it is they want and I am no one to judge. But saying that, everyone has a right to their own opinion...I'm going to give you mine.
I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.
And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.
I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.
Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!
Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.
Until Next Time...
I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.
And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.
I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.
Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!
Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.
Until Next Time...
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