Can't Open Up, Not Willing to Try

   I realized a long time ago that I was in this thing by myself. Not saying that I don't have people around me that I can talk to, but I can't talk about certain things to all the people around me. I have wounds that are so deep and painful that I've even tried to hide them from myself. So for me to open up about these things is a terrifying process to even think about.
   I learned, after a particularly horrifying ordeal, that my parents would rather not discuss anything negative. They'd rather act like the situation didn't exist and for that reason I know that I cannot (and will not) share anything with them. My parents don't fully understand me, I'm sure they think I'm strange and if I do try to vocalize any type of concern or frustration with them, they just don't get it or they are too quick to criticize me. So I don't, not anymore. I keep everything close to the vest, I only say what I don't really care about, because my true feels are libel to be thrown back in my face when I'm at my most vulnerable time.
   It's not just my parents, I think that is an overwhelming theme in all my relationships. At all times I censor the things I say to not hinder a friendship. To not put myself in the other person's bad light (if that makes any sense). I say this because well, it's my problem. One that I hope to eliminate and discard as I strive to build more satisfying relationships. I sometimes think too much about what other people will feel or think so I keep the most important stuff close. I'm unwilling to let them go, even though I know I'll feel better when I do.
   So for now, this is my "can't open up, not willing to try"...the alternative is just too painful.