Heat weighs down on you
The sweat of the city drips all around you.
No relief
No sleep
Even your dreams are hot
The smog adds only pressure that rides on your back
You wait for night to come
No Sun, No Heat
No hope as the dark only changes the colors of the heats.
This week, this month, no relief from this Heat
Is that a breeze? hot air from God's mouth scalds your skin
Even the beach doesn't mark the pressure
The heat weighs down causing your walk to speed up.
Causing your every pours to cry sweat
Causing grief
Hide your old
Cover your young
Make way for the cold water
The heat will last there's no relief in sight.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Black Bubble
When I was little my mom and I were walking through the market when a man I didn't know smiled at her, said Hi then smiled and waived at me in passing. I didn't know what was going on, but over the years I've experienced that behavior repeatedly. The only explanation I've ever received from my mother is, "It's a black thing". Wait, what?....are there so few black people in Los Angeles that when you see one you must smile, wave and say hello? I don't understand, I don't understand this for two good reason...1) that whole don't talk to strangers thing (it's great for kids, but sometimes I use it as a female in a big city where people aren't always as nice as they seem). 2) the fact that I don't trust men (any man...not just a specific ethnic group). To me it always seems that this exchange happens between men and women. You never see a black woman saying Hi to another black woman they don't know. And if this is a "black thing" then do other races do something similar?
This is what I like to call the black bubble. It's the bubble of blackness that some black people feel all black folks should be in, but not all black folks are the same.
I've encountered black people who only surround themselves with other black people. They only watch black movies and TV shows. They only read black novels and magazines. And they'd never be caught dead dating outside their race (they also tend to hate any "other" person who dates black). These people have usually tried very hard to get me into their bubble, while slowly but surely revealing the various levels of hate/racism they have for others races.
I don't live in that bubble, I've never lived in that bubble. My family (both sides) are completely integrated. My parents friends...completely integrated, my church, my friends, my life is completely integrated. For me to be in this bubble I'd have to take a step back from what I've been taught all my life...acceptance. Why because I'm not going to hate my uncles, cousins and brother for dating, marrying or having babies with non black women. I'm not going to look down on say...the Kardashians (I couldn't think of anyone else) for dating black men. And I'm not going to reject all my non-black friends just because they aren't black. You know why, because I don't care. Love is love and if you're lucky enough to find it no matter what the color, then go grab it. But black people in the bubble don't see it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the first family is black...I'm proud to see people in the black community doing well...I'm not anti-black, I don't see anything wrong with having black pride, but when you hate, then you're just a disappointment and a set back...and I see alot of hate in that bubble. Living exclusively in this bubble isn't the best. I've seen the folks we (the black community) put on pedestals...I've watched the movies and TV shows that we celebrate, but ultimately they just make us look like fools. Please don't get me started on anything on or having to do with BET. That bubble, those people aren't trying to better anything. They're only laughing at themselves.
When I think about how far we've come and how much farther we have to go I realize that we are slowly but surely cancelling out the progress our great leaders made, the pain our grandparents lived through and the sacrifices our parents made only to replace them with hate, grills, booties and ignorance.
Shame on the bubble and Shame on anyone who won't step out of it long enough to learn something different.
This is what I like to call the black bubble. It's the bubble of blackness that some black people feel all black folks should be in, but not all black folks are the same.
I've encountered black people who only surround themselves with other black people. They only watch black movies and TV shows. They only read black novels and magazines. And they'd never be caught dead dating outside their race (they also tend to hate any "other" person who dates black). These people have usually tried very hard to get me into their bubble, while slowly but surely revealing the various levels of hate/racism they have for others races.
I don't live in that bubble, I've never lived in that bubble. My family (both sides) are completely integrated. My parents friends...completely integrated, my church, my friends, my life is completely integrated. For me to be in this bubble I'd have to take a step back from what I've been taught all my life...acceptance. Why because I'm not going to hate my uncles, cousins and brother for dating, marrying or having babies with non black women. I'm not going to look down on say...the Kardashians (I couldn't think of anyone else) for dating black men. And I'm not going to reject all my non-black friends just because they aren't black. You know why, because I don't care. Love is love and if you're lucky enough to find it no matter what the color, then go grab it. But black people in the bubble don't see it that way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the first family is black...I'm proud to see people in the black community doing well...I'm not anti-black, I don't see anything wrong with having black pride, but when you hate, then you're just a disappointment and a set back...and I see alot of hate in that bubble. Living exclusively in this bubble isn't the best. I've seen the folks we (the black community) put on pedestals...I've watched the movies and TV shows that we celebrate, but ultimately they just make us look like fools. Please don't get me started on anything on or having to do with BET. That bubble, those people aren't trying to better anything. They're only laughing at themselves.
When I think about how far we've come and how much farther we have to go I realize that we are slowly but surely cancelling out the progress our great leaders made, the pain our grandparents lived through and the sacrifices our parents made only to replace them with hate, grills, booties and ignorance.
Shame on the bubble and Shame on anyone who won't step out of it long enough to learn something different.
The Fog
Have you ever been in a mental fog? It's usually so thick and constrictive that you can't see it surrounding you, but you can feel it's weight on your mind and body. It kind of leaves you weak and ruffled, you don't realize you've been in it until you've made your way through it and see it glowing distantly behind you.
That's where I am right now. I feel like a zombie that's stumbled through the last few weeks and now I'm finally starting to see and think clearly. I don't know how or when I stumbled into that state, but I do know that this summer has passed in a fog. A blur that has left me unprepared for the road that lies ahead of me. I vaguely remember work, home, movies, dinners and the occasional good nights sleep, but they all seem distant and hazy like I'm viewing these events through a dirty glass.
Well my fog has lifted or I've made it through, either way, I can see the road ahead of me clearly. I can see the first steps I have to take and though they aren't difficult they will be hard.
That's where I am right now. I feel like a zombie that's stumbled through the last few weeks and now I'm finally starting to see and think clearly. I don't know how or when I stumbled into that state, but I do know that this summer has passed in a fog. A blur that has left me unprepared for the road that lies ahead of me. I vaguely remember work, home, movies, dinners and the occasional good nights sleep, but they all seem distant and hazy like I'm viewing these events through a dirty glass.
Well my fog has lifted or I've made it through, either way, I can see the road ahead of me clearly. I can see the first steps I have to take and though they aren't difficult they will be hard.
Friday, August 20, 2010
About a Dog
So house and dog sitting is old hat to me...I've done it since I was about 18 and I've loved every minute of it. The fact that I can get away, cook my own food, clean up after myself (without having to deal with other peoples messes) and just be silent if I need to, is wonderful! I look forward to any opportunity to do so. For the last week I have been house sitting for two separate families. The first was just the house...I slept, ate, watched TV and washed clothes (it only lasted a couple days, but it was a great kick off) the second stint has been longer and involves watching a dog. The dog whom I've grown attached to and worry about when I'm at work!
Her name is Lulu and although she didn't truly warm up to me until a couple days after my arrival (and after I walked her), I've worried about her since my first day in the house. She was sullen, wouldn't come near me, didn't eat and wouldn't go out to use the potty. The second day was better but only slightly. And on Saturday we made true progress with a a lazy morning and a walk! The week just got better and by the end of my stay I didn't want to leave her. But Alas, I had to!
I'm back at home now, back to the ole grind and I miss that little dog. I got a text from her owner saying she was really happy when they got home. And I instantly wished it was me walking into the house after work to have her jump at my shins, following me around until I sat on the couch to play for a while. I've dog sat before, but this one was special. I hope that I get to care for her again soon. She's definitely got a place in my heart!
Her name is Lulu and although she didn't truly warm up to me until a couple days after my arrival (and after I walked her), I've worried about her since my first day in the house. She was sullen, wouldn't come near me, didn't eat and wouldn't go out to use the potty. The second day was better but only slightly. And on Saturday we made true progress with a a lazy morning and a walk! The week just got better and by the end of my stay I didn't want to leave her. But Alas, I had to!
I'm back at home now, back to the ole grind and I miss that little dog. I got a text from her owner saying she was really happy when they got home. And I instantly wished it was me walking into the house after work to have her jump at my shins, following me around until I sat on the couch to play for a while. I've dog sat before, but this one was special. I hope that I get to care for her again soon. She's definitely got a place in my heart!
Ridiculous Noise
Have you ever met someone who makes noise to get attention? They'll hum, huff, puff, sigh and giggle until you ask them what the deal is? Or someone who eat or drinks and just can't do it quietly? Never had the pleasure...well I have.
There are people around me who love to make, what I consider, ridiculous noises. Here's the thing, I'm a pretty straight forward person. You'll know what I like or don't like if you talk to me. I am opinionated, stubborn and moody...I also have very little tolerance for ridiculousness. So to have someone walk into a room and make noises until someone stops their conversation to speak to them or to sit in the room and LOUDLY suck on a lollipop like it's gonna give you a raise is both childish and rude (and in the case of the lollipop, slightly uncomfortable). I don't make these noises because if I want/need to say something I'll say it.
It would be nice if people just spoke if they needed to say something, without trying to prod people into giving them attention by making stupid sounds...oh one I didn't mention, teeth sucking...OMG get a toothbrush or something!
There are people around me who love to make, what I consider, ridiculous noises. Here's the thing, I'm a pretty straight forward person. You'll know what I like or don't like if you talk to me. I am opinionated, stubborn and moody...I also have very little tolerance for ridiculousness. So to have someone walk into a room and make noises until someone stops their conversation to speak to them or to sit in the room and LOUDLY suck on a lollipop like it's gonna give you a raise is both childish and rude (and in the case of the lollipop, slightly uncomfortable). I don't make these noises because if I want/need to say something I'll say it.
It would be nice if people just spoke if they needed to say something, without trying to prod people into giving them attention by making stupid sounds...oh one I didn't mention, teeth sucking...OMG get a toothbrush or something!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Need to Vent
Okay,
So I realize that my negativity meter is running on high right now (and has been for a while) and though I am working on it...I have to vent today.
I don't get why women/girls find it okay to act like f-ing morons! Why do they feel the need to giggle their "I don't knows" or bat their eyes through the "I've don't get its"? As a woman of some intelligence, I find it very unsettling that in the year 2010, there are women out there who still play that game. We've moved on, stepped up...been educated, and fought for the right to be equal and still we have women who play the fool to get boys to pay attention to them...it's insulting. Here's the thing...I don't even think guys like that...and if they do, then I guess the morons need to stick together, as long as they don't procreate!
Honestly, wouldn't a guy want to be with a person he can have an actual conversation with without having to stop every couple of minutes to explain what they're talking about? Would he want to introduce this person to friends (maybe family) without cringing every time she opened her mouth? I don't know, men are men I'm sure some do like the dumb ones...some do want a stupid woman because the smart ones make them feel dumb. But for a woman to play the fool, or even worse, really be the fool is so antiquated that you have to stumble far back in order to find when that was a truly acceptable practice!
UGH!
So I realize that my negativity meter is running on high right now (and has been for a while) and though I am working on it...I have to vent today.
I don't get why women/girls find it okay to act like f-ing morons! Why do they feel the need to giggle their "I don't knows" or bat their eyes through the "I've don't get its"? As a woman of some intelligence, I find it very unsettling that in the year 2010, there are women out there who still play that game. We've moved on, stepped up...been educated, and fought for the right to be equal and still we have women who play the fool to get boys to pay attention to them...it's insulting. Here's the thing...I don't even think guys like that...and if they do, then I guess the morons need to stick together, as long as they don't procreate!
Honestly, wouldn't a guy want to be with a person he can have an actual conversation with without having to stop every couple of minutes to explain what they're talking about? Would he want to introduce this person to friends (maybe family) without cringing every time she opened her mouth? I don't know, men are men I'm sure some do like the dumb ones...some do want a stupid woman because the smart ones make them feel dumb. But for a woman to play the fool, or even worse, really be the fool is so antiquated that you have to stumble far back in order to find when that was a truly acceptable practice!
UGH!
Friday, August 06, 2010
It's Friday
It's Friday and for some reason I'm happier than I've been in a long time about the close of my week. I guess the fact that I've managed to get good sleep all week, there's been no crazy work stuff and I've had a great start to this week are all influencing factors! I'm just excited for the day and I hope the day goes well!
I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time (maybe ever on this blog) I'm going to list my praises and gratitude's!
So Today I'm Thankful for:
God Forgiveness Peace of heart and mind
Air in my Lungs Home Blood in my veins
Friends that are Family Job Pain
Grace Miracles Tears
Hope My Pastor The Hair on my head
Love My Encouragers
The ability to walk, skip and jump
Music Laughter Children
Beauty My Soul Water
Smiles Hugs Pictures
Wonder
So, as on right this moment, these are the things I'm grateful for...I'm sure I'll add to the list throughout the day, but for right now. It's a start! Until Next Time
I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time (maybe ever on this blog) I'm going to list my praises and gratitude's!
So Today I'm Thankful for:
God Forgiveness Peace of heart and mind
Air in my Lungs Home Blood in my veins
Friends that are Family Job Pain
Grace Miracles Tears
Hope My Pastor The Hair on my head
Love My Encouragers
The ability to walk, skip and jump
Music Laughter Children
Beauty My Soul Water
Smiles Hugs Pictures
Wonder
So, as on right this moment, these are the things I'm grateful for...I'm sure I'll add to the list throughout the day, but for right now. It's a start! Until Next Time
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Anne Rice and her Facebook Post
Yes, I'm a Christian...(I always say I'm a Christian in the true sense, i.e. a follower of Christ...not a "born again christian" i.e. those crazy bible belt picket sign holding hate-filled christians...that's where I categorize my difference.)
I'm also a democratic and pro-choice. I often talk to people about my views on my faith in a "different" way because I see myself as a different type of Christian. I try to see the world through God's eyes...try to allow my heart to break at the sight of the things that would break His...but at the same time...there are things other Christians do and say that I'm completely against. For me, my walk with Christ is a personal relationship with the two of us...like a marriage where others are not involved, because it's not their relationship or their place. Most of the time, when I hear about "Christian Leaders" preaching things I cringe, shake my head or just think, are we reading the same bible? My view of my God seems so different from other Christians that at times I feel completely disconnected...
So when Anne Rice, famous vampire author, took to her facebook page last week to announce her "retirement" from Christianity, I started to read it knowing pretty much what it would say and that I'd whole-heartedly agree with it.
“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.
As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”
You may not agree with what she has to say but I do...and I think it's very fair of her to say all those things, because to her (and me) they are true problems we have with this religious movement. Being a follower of Christ and having a relationship with him is truly lost on many Christians, who feel it's their destiny to point fingers and hate. Christ tells us to love...and to follow Him means to follow His teachings and principles...so why do so many Christians follow men who are just making it up as they go along? I don't know...but I like my relationship with Christ...my personal relationship with Him.
She never said she'd stop following God or Christ...never did she reject the Holy Spirit...what she's saying is she's done trying to follow this doctrine that we as imperfect people have warped to fit our way of thinking. We've changed it from God Centered to hate centered and she's tired of it...so am I.
AMEN
I'm also a democratic and pro-choice. I often talk to people about my views on my faith in a "different" way because I see myself as a different type of Christian. I try to see the world through God's eyes...try to allow my heart to break at the sight of the things that would break His...but at the same time...there are things other Christians do and say that I'm completely against. For me, my walk with Christ is a personal relationship with the two of us...like a marriage where others are not involved, because it's not their relationship or their place. Most of the time, when I hear about "Christian Leaders" preaching things I cringe, shake my head or just think, are we reading the same bible? My view of my God seems so different from other Christians that at times I feel completely disconnected...
So when Anne Rice, famous vampire author, took to her facebook page last week to announce her "retirement" from Christianity, I started to read it knowing pretty much what it would say and that I'd whole-heartedly agree with it.
“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.
As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”
You may not agree with what she has to say but I do...and I think it's very fair of her to say all those things, because to her (and me) they are true problems we have with this religious movement. Being a follower of Christ and having a relationship with him is truly lost on many Christians, who feel it's their destiny to point fingers and hate. Christ tells us to love...and to follow Him means to follow His teachings and principles...so why do so many Christians follow men who are just making it up as they go along? I don't know...but I like my relationship with Christ...my personal relationship with Him.
She never said she'd stop following God or Christ...never did she reject the Holy Spirit...what she's saying is she's done trying to follow this doctrine that we as imperfect people have warped to fit our way of thinking. We've changed it from God Centered to hate centered and she's tired of it...so am I.
AMEN
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
The Immaturity Game.
I have a co-worker who likes to hit.
She likes to punch people because that is her way of expressing herself. I use to express myself in that way, but I grew up, became an adult and learned to keep my hands to myself. This person is immature. I'm not saying that because of the hitting, I've had conversations with her and listened to her talk to others and I always walk away with the same feeling...how can an almost 40 year old woman act like a little girl?
I've dealt with her as long as I've worked here and I don't care if she hits. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big enough inconvenience to warrant a complaint. But now she's not speaking to me and indeed giving me dirty looks because I told her to stop hitting me.
Last week I was walking down the hall (heading out to lunch with my Ipod on and my phone in hand checking twitter) to my left slightly behind me a door opened and someone came out...I immediately got hit on the shoulder, I started to say "I don't know who hit me, but" then before I can finish, whack I'm hit again...to which I replied "________(her name), stop, don't hit me (I knew it was her because no one else would hit me like that). She replied with a sound that could only mean her feelings were hurt.
Whatever, I went about my business, knowing two things...that she would hold this grudge and that she's not mature enough to understand that just because someone asks you to stop doing something you shouldn't do anyway, doesn't mean they are being mean to you or trying to hurt your feelings. Someone asking you to stop hitting them is not a reason to hold a grudge or get your feelings hurt. In actuality, you shouldn't be hitting anyone anyway...
But I know her enough to know what her reaction would be, know her mind wouldn't comprehend the situation without making herself the victim. So it's fine...it doesn't matter (it just bugged me enough to want to write it down). Life Goes On...
She likes to punch people because that is her way of expressing herself. I use to express myself in that way, but I grew up, became an adult and learned to keep my hands to myself. This person is immature. I'm not saying that because of the hitting, I've had conversations with her and listened to her talk to others and I always walk away with the same feeling...how can an almost 40 year old woman act like a little girl?
I've dealt with her as long as I've worked here and I don't care if she hits. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big enough inconvenience to warrant a complaint. But now she's not speaking to me and indeed giving me dirty looks because I told her to stop hitting me.
Last week I was walking down the hall (heading out to lunch with my Ipod on and my phone in hand checking twitter) to my left slightly behind me a door opened and someone came out...I immediately got hit on the shoulder, I started to say "I don't know who hit me, but" then before I can finish, whack I'm hit again...to which I replied "________(her name), stop, don't hit me (I knew it was her because no one else would hit me like that). She replied with a sound that could only mean her feelings were hurt.
Whatever, I went about my business, knowing two things...that she would hold this grudge and that she's not mature enough to understand that just because someone asks you to stop doing something you shouldn't do anyway, doesn't mean they are being mean to you or trying to hurt your feelings. Someone asking you to stop hitting them is not a reason to hold a grudge or get your feelings hurt. In actuality, you shouldn't be hitting anyone anyway...
But I know her enough to know what her reaction would be, know her mind wouldn't comprehend the situation without making herself the victim. So it's fine...it doesn't matter (it just bugged me enough to want to write it down). Life Goes On...
Monday, August 02, 2010
The Simple Things
If you know me then you know that I'm not that high maintenance (of course if you've been reading this blog, then you know that I am emotionally). I like the simple things in life, I don't need a big to do and I don't need to go out and party my life away. I'm fine with a good book, a good talk or just a simple but good day.
Yesterday was one of those days...
I got my hair cut yesterday and after my cut my little sister and I went out to explore and take part in our favorite past time...photography! We can a good lunch and then started to drive (with no particular destination in mind) we ended up in the Angeles National Forest. Along the way we stopped and took pictures...looked around at God's wonderful creation and talked about the things in our lives. By the time we were done we were both completely nackered, but we had smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. She has a digital camera so all her pictures were downloaded on to her laptop as soon as we got back (my film has to go to the shop to be processed). All I can say is beautiful! But it wasn't about the pictures.
Yesterday was really about spending time with people I love and doing something I love...we could have stayed at the house and taken pictures in the yard and it would have been a lovely day. Simple, beautiful, special and lovely. It gave me hope for the week and recharged my overdue batteries...it also gave me a chance to get out and use my camera, which I have been wanting to do for a long time!
We've made plans to do it again at the end of the month and hopefully it'll happen. I can't wait...it'll be a good way to spend my birthday.
Until Next Time
Yesterday was one of those days...
I got my hair cut yesterday and after my cut my little sister and I went out to explore and take part in our favorite past time...photography! We can a good lunch and then started to drive (with no particular destination in mind) we ended up in the Angeles National Forest. Along the way we stopped and took pictures...looked around at God's wonderful creation and talked about the things in our lives. By the time we were done we were both completely nackered, but we had smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. She has a digital camera so all her pictures were downloaded on to her laptop as soon as we got back (my film has to go to the shop to be processed). All I can say is beautiful! But it wasn't about the pictures.
Yesterday was really about spending time with people I love and doing something I love...we could have stayed at the house and taken pictures in the yard and it would have been a lovely day. Simple, beautiful, special and lovely. It gave me hope for the week and recharged my overdue batteries...it also gave me a chance to get out and use my camera, which I have been wanting to do for a long time!
We've made plans to do it again at the end of the month and hopefully it'll happen. I can't wait...it'll be a good way to spend my birthday.
Until Next Time
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