Why...How?

 I started to write this blog about image and self esteem. About halfway through I started to cry and realized that this topic which is very personal cannot be told in a simple manner. It' something I have to sit and think about. Something I have to get my head and heart around before I can write it. I'm sure at some point I'll be willing enough to revisit those wounds. To rip them wide open, so to say, and expose them to world. I'm just not that ready yet.

 But I do have a question...when you look at yourself to do you see Beauty or Beast?

 In my heart I don't believe God makes ugly. Everything is beauty, EVERYTHING....WHICH MEANS YOU  

A Broken Heart Being Healed

 This time last year, I was contemplating stepping away from a friendship 10 years in the making. My best friend and I had been through many many good times and bad. We had each other the way no one else did. But I in my own desperation for self searching took a step away from her. Before I knew it, she was gone. Like moved to another state and I was left here, alone and lonely and it was of my own making.
  I didn't realize how much she meant until she was gone, but after time I realized what I was missing. I realized it and was too scared and proud to take the steps to ask her back into my life. But I did, last week...after a dream. I emailed her and told her that I was ready to be her friend again. That I was past the point of selfishness, that I had learned things about myself and that I was hoping she wanted me back too. She did...as excited as I was the day I got an email in return, I was even more excited when today she told me some news that I wasn't expecting. She's coming back. Not only back into my life, but back into my state and moreover, my town.
  This time last week, I was just praying that she'd accept my apology and that maybe in time I'd get to see her again. Spend time with her, I was off into some distant future and now that future isn't so distant. Last week, I was trying to keep my heart from totally breaking and now I'm trying to keep it from jumping out of my chest in excitement!
   I've been saying that God has a plan for me, that His timing is perfect and even though I don't know what His plan is or when I'll see the results, I do know that it's in place. This one little act and the way it fell together is just an example that shows that God's plan is in full effect. When He made it clear to me that I needed to do certain things, I questioned, wondered and postponed. But in the end I did it, not knowing the outcome...I needed to know how much she means to me. I needed to see my world and myself without her in it, so that I can appreciate her, the way a friend of her caliber deserves to be appreciated.
   She's my Best Friend and I've realized now that I've been drowning without. Not only is she back in my life, saving me again...but soon I'll be able to hug her, cry with her and tell her to her face how much I truly love and appreciate her.
  
   I can't wait!

Bill Maher

 I love Bill Maher, he makes a lot of sense! And even though I don't always agree with him, I do have to say that most of the time he is completely on point. So as I was listening to his show last Friday night I heard him say that we don't have any privacy anymore, not when we put everything about ourselves out there for the world to see. Yes, it's true...personally I have two blogs, a twitter account and a Facebook page. I try not to put too much stuff online...for example, I don't talk about my feminine issues or cycles, because I don't feel it's appropriate or necessary for the world to know about it. Although there are some women who do.


  Any who, this statement (although I've heard variations of it before) made me think. Am I putting to much information about myself on the World Wide Web? I have this blog, which I've called my diary and I have a prayer blog. I knew when I started that this place, my place, would be just that. And if people read it then great...but it was for me. When I started my prayer blog, it was to stop writing only about the angry and to start writing out my willingness to ask God for help. I can honestly say I started the prayer blog to be a shared experience. There's power in prayer, and if people can see that someone in the world is going through the same thing as them maybe they can find hope in that.


   I talk about all kinds of crap on twitter and I use fb to connect to friends I don't get to see all the time. So, I don't know if I'm sharing too much. What I do know is that once I put something on the net it won't go away and it may at some point come back to haunt me. But if I'm honest with what I put out there, if it's what I'm feeling at that time, no matter how harsh or politically incorrect then I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of it. Because it's my truth.


  Thanks Bill for making me think and for reaffirming my feelings.

Understanding

  Sometimes we just have to own up to what we've done. Apologize for it and move ahead. It won't always work out for us, but sometimes...if there's enough love, respect and appreciation it will.


  I walked away from perhaps the most special relationship I had last year and in doing so I made a decision that changed me...but after realizing that I really do need this person in my life I tried my best to rekindle it...I didn't know what to think...but I hoped that the person on the receiving end would feel the way I was feeling.


  Turns out, I was right...and my friendship is back. To be rebuilt, it will take time but we have the rest of our lives to build it back to where it was before.


   I missed my best friend, and now she's back in my life. I was the one who pushed her away, but forgiveness is powerful and love is sweet.


 

The Royal Wedding

 I'm a girl who grew up watching Princess Movies...my favorite princess to this day is Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty. When the movie the "Princess Diaries" came out in 2001, my mom bought the VHS for me (I was 22). I remember watching the Wedding of Charles and Diana...they married in 81, I was 2. I'm saying all this to set up the fact that I'm one of those girls who hoped (and lets face it still does) that a handsome prince would look my way, sweep me off to his castle and place a tiara on my head. I don't even need to be queen, just a princess in fancy dresses and pretty crowns.

  So the fact that there is a royal wedding coming...not only that but the wedding of a prince to a common girl makes me happy. I can't wait to get up at 2:30 in the morning and watch this wedding. Watch this girl become a princess. Am I too excited...I don't think so. It's a wedding and a fairy tale wrapped up into one! It's a lovely story and I'm all for it. Some people won't get it, some will. I already know which one of my FB friends will be tuning in and I fully plan on tweeting and booking throughout...

  As I learn (I admit obsessively) about these two folks, I've found that no matter how "Crazed" other people around me may think I am about this wedding I'm not THAT crazy. A woman in Mexico was on a hunger strike until she got an invitation to the wedding (not sure if she's still striking) there are mobile phone covers, and I just found a full on refrigerator cover that feature the love birds...okay, I'll look at pictures of them on the Internet but I'm not putting them on my phone or refrigerator, and I'm definitely not giving up food for an invite. Not when I can watch it on television with popcorn and m&m's.

  This, as far as I look at it, is hope...there's always hope in love. There's always hope in two people coming together to pledge themselves to each other forever. There's always hope in the future when people are willing to take a step to become a united front, no matter what other's think. It wouldn't matter to me if this was just a regular wedding....the fact that it's a ROYAL WEDDING is just a bonus!

  So if you want to know where I'll be on the morning of April 29, 2011...it's in front of my TV watching BBC American and wishing well to these two Love Birds as their journey in marriage begins.

   Where will you be?

Elizabeth Taylor...

 died this morning and with her history and a large piece of glamour.

 She was an inspiration, not just because of her talent and beauty, but also because of her heart and love for those who needed a friend when no one else would come anywhere near them.

 She gave to the world until her last breathe and with it, I hope she found peace and love in return.

 Ms. Elizabeth, you will be missed, always loved and forever remembered. 

Searching, searching, searching for myself


finding only the things I don't like when I look in the mirror


hoping that one day I'll find beauty in myself.


But believing that there is no beauty to be found.


Moving forward in life clinging to the past


afraid to make those mistakes again,


or to allow it to happen to me again.


Loving the world but not enough to emerse myself in it


wondering everyday why people give any time to me


when I'm not sure I'd give that time to myself.

The World is Falling Apart

 I'm a Christian and as such when I see things happen in the world around me I have some automatic reactions. I generally pray for the situation, asking God to comfort, calm and protect. But then I wonder, what's really behind it.
  I believe that God has the world in His hand and that he allows things to happen based on the choices we make. I also believe that some/most, if not all of these happenings are the growing pains talked about in the Book of Revelations. Because I believe that, I know that these things are only going to get worse.
  Yesterday afternoon in Japan, there was a devastating earthquake, followed by a Tsunami that brought the island to it's knees. Thousands are dead and missing, with the count only growing. Millions waited with baited breath to see if the waves would affect others in the Pacific Ocean, but it seems that they were spared. I don't try to understand God (I have in the past and it doesn't get me anywhere, so I stopped). I do know that He allowed these things for a reason. To me, the reasons are clear, because we are coming close to the end of the world as we know it. Bleak days are coming...

   This planet has always been plagued with earthquakes. In fact, there are thousands everyday in Southern California. Scientists believe that there was once one giant land mass that over time ripped and pulled apart due to earthquakes. Now, we are starting to see that these quakes are harder and fiercer. So are our storms, our Winter's cold and Summer's heat. Are all these things coincidence? I don't think so...it's science, it's logic. Our world, changed...we changed it.
   We've polluted our skies, oceans, lakes and lands and nature has suffered. We've lost animals, we've lost people and we've lost the ability to go get clean water from anywhere. Why? for industry for progression. Hey, I'm not complaining. I have a car, cellphone, computer. I like electricity, gas, oil, hairspray, nail polish and all those other things that over time show themselves in the nature around us. I'm not complaining, but I'm logical enough to see that nature is fighting back because we've pushed it up against the wall.

    I did start, this off by saying I'm a Christian, then I veered off into the science territory...that's because I think that they go hand in hand. Many (if not most) people on both sides feel like the bible is total literal. Well, Jesus spoke in story and allegory. David and Solomon spoke in song and poem. The prophets spoke of visions and sights. And though I believe the bible, I believe in the stories, I can understand that somethings aren't as literal as people take them.
    We made a choice to pollute the world and the world is reacting. That's what nature does. We choose to make sex a tradeable, selfish, disgusting act (when it was meant to be meaningful, wonderful and special)...and well, nature fought back. Things mix STD's come about and now people can't even trust their spouses enough to not use a condom in the marriage bed. We've done this, God has ALLOWED it, to teach us a lesson. Instead of understanding that people are asking why God He let this happen, we have to ask our selves why WE let this happen?

Our Precious Little Girls

 Early this week I read a tweet, it said 23 year old youngest grandmother in the world. Two things crossed my mind in that instant. 1) she was black or 2) she was from a third world country. Turns out that the world's youngest grandmother is from Romania. She was married at the age of 11 and gave birth to her first child at 12.  Her daughter is now 11, married and now a mother. (I just read up on the facts and this apparently happened a couple of years ago and is now just getting attention.) Child marriage in their culture is "tradition" as the woman called it. I can't and won't judge these people. But I will say that this breaks my heart, why can't we let our kids be kids? Why can't we see that our little girls are dependent on us to protect them and keep them from "traditions" that may ultimately harm them?

  Last night after seeing a facebook post I stumbled onto an article about an 11 year old girl being gang raped. The headline said that six men (minors and adults) were arrested after the minors started showing the videos they recorded of the acts on their cellphones. Once I started reading the story, it got worse...up to 20 possibly 30 different men raped this little girl, first in ones home then in an abandoned trailer. They called their friends and had more guys show up, all while recording it to show around to people.
 One of the teens called the little girl and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She went and that was the end of it. Can't you imagine, what type of world are we living in? What type of people do this type of thing? I'm broken over this, my heart goes out to her she didn't deserve this, not what these men put upon her.
   However, I do have one question...where was her family that she could get a call from a high school boy and she thinks it's okay to go with him and his friends? Where was her family to protect her and teach her that she is more precious than what some boy could "promise" her? Where was her family to question these men when they walked up to the door and asked for her? Why didn't anyone stop her from leaving?
   These guys knew what they were going to do, they knew who to call, they knew where to take her, they knew she wouldn't have anyone to help her or question her or love her enough to stop her from leaving her house. This is a shame, this is sickening and unnecessary and terribly awful. This is our world.

   Where little girls are becoming mothers, or tortured for the pleasure of men. Where women subject themselves to injections and knives and hospitals so that men might look at them. Where our pop stars walk around with no clothes on and we allow our daughters to emulate them. Where we listen to music that teach our girls that they aren't anything without a big ass, big boobs and knee pads.
    This is the world we've created, and we're stuck. Because even though people are appalled after awhile everyone forgets about what happened, until it happens again.

The Simply Things in Life

 When you don't have a place to go everyday. There's no reason to get up and get going at a reasonable time. Sometimes there's no reason to get up at all. I've been out of work for two months and I've found myself lounging for the last couple of weeks. Completely unmotivated and completely lazy. I've tried to get myself pumped to look for a job, to submit my resume and pound the pavement. I always go back to just laying around.
  But with all that said, I've found myself grasping at the small happy things that come my way on a daily basis. Like right now, one of my favorite celebs is doing a twitter chat...I'm too shy to tweet something but I'm thoroughly enjoying reading the answers to other peoples questions. Yesterday, I hung out with a couple of friends and that was a wonderful time.
  I know this may all sound stupid, but these things are making me smile. These things and catching up on past episodes of Army Wives via the Internet. I'm not really concerned with money right now, because God has provided for the essentials I need to pay for without having to burden my family. But I know that I'm going to have to get off my butt and go find some work.
  I believe it in my heart that God's got everything set for me, just waiting on his perfect timing to make it all fit. Until then, I'll just keep fighting against laziness and hopefully I'll win a round or two.
  Until Next Time...