Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Comparing Your Holiness



  The other day I discovered (through unashamed google stalking) that someone I'm kinda intimidated by is a Christian. Ever since finding out this information I've been running scenarios in my mind about how much better they probably are at being a Christian than I am....how much more spiritual and responsible they must be...and how I'm not.

   And after a few days of this I had to stop myself and ask..."why, are you doing this to yourself?" You see, as much as I try not to compare ourselves with those around us we sometimes find myself doing it when it comes to the type of Christian I am. I'm not the greatest Christian on earth and I probably never will be. But I strive (most times) to be the greatest Christian I can be. That's all I can ask of myself. My walk with God is unique, because my walk through life is unique, so why would I compare myself to others? Because I'm a big dork and it's in my nature. So, as I sit day after day and wonder about this person and their walk I'm failing to see what I should really be focusing on...my walk.

   Besides, Christians come in all different shapes and sizes. We come from different backgrounds and churches...we have different ways of looking at faith and what it means to be a Christian (think I'm wrong...look at the different TV preachers, see how different they are from each other). I know this and it's one of the things I love and hate about Christianity...so why would I even start to compare myself? Probably cause I'm intimidated...probably because I'm in a transition...probably because I feel slightly lost in all things called life. I mean...does being a good Christian mean you're holy? Does just being a Christian mean you're holy???

   Who defines what holy is anyway (I don't mean in the bible, I mean in our surroundings)?We all have flaws and issues and we all make mistakes so who among us is actually Holy? I know Catholics consider the Pope to be Holy (hey one of his names is Holy See). But I don't consider my pastor to be holy. He's a good man, but he makes mistakes and he has issues. There's no one I can think of in my life currently or in the past who I would consider Holy so why would I think someone was holier than me?
 
    Also, what a thing to put on a person...to judge them on their personal relationship with God and what that means to them by my own standards and for me to think they'd judge me based on theirs. Both situations are unfair and can lead to a very iffy discourse between you and whoever else is involved, especially because for me this whole situation is completely taking place in my own head...and I'll probably never have this conversation with this person.
 
    Basicly, I'm not sure why I would get myself so worked up about this...why I would even bother when I have so much more going on...I guess I'm just curious...

    And you know what they say about curiousity?
    
    Until Next Time!

Good Quotes

NEVER love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary

                                                                        -Oscar Wilde


Happiness is NOT the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

                                                                        -H. Jackson Brown


Stop being afraid of makin' moves! Do MORE! Fear LESS! Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

                                                                       -Rev Run


You make a living by what you make, but you make a life by what you give.

                                                                       -Satwant Signh Kaleka

Taking a Break and Enjoying It



  By chance, choice or just sheer laziness I have found myself in the middle of a break from my friendships...not all of them, but some of them. And you know what, I'm okay with it. I think that says a lot about where I am right now in my life. A year ago today I would have been dying to talk to some of these folks, but now I understand that what I need is time to myself. What I need is understanding in myself and in all honesty, what I need is something some of them can't give me.
   The winds of change are blowing in my direction and when they grow into tornadoes that lift me up and take me away some of these people won't understand. They won't be what, where or who I'll need to them be, so taking this time to readjust, reevaluate and re-envision the type of friendships I want is crucial to me.
    I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to hold on to things that just seem to pull away from me from time to time (which these friendships have done). It seems that at some point I would actually get the hint that God is the one orchestrating all of this for my own benefit. But I fight against it, because I'm afraid of the unknown...even if it's from God. Maybe with my new found trust and the obedience I'm trying to cultivate I should just step away completely and just let the winds of change carrying me to the new things and not look  back?
    Besides in these friendships, I've started to feel out of step and really out of place...so taking a step back and really removing myself feels good. I use to do this from time to time and wonder if the people missed me? If they even cared? Or if they had even stopped to wonder what happened to me. Not this time this time I'm clear and free of anything like that. This time the uncertainty isn't there...neither is the rejection that I've been feeling. So this break is a good thing, I'm carefree and high steppin'! Looking at it, I see the sadness and pain of it all, but it's not something that tugs on my heart (another sign I'm doing the right thing). So I'm sitting here...knowing God has something big in store for me...and whatever it is will bring new friendships. Friendships where I can truly be myself...friendships that will give me what I need and want. And friendships that can help me see the future I'd like to have.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Back to my Comfort Zone



   I tried...I have to say that's it's been a good run, I've given it a good few months and now I'm moving on. Before I go on to tell you the story I have to tell you this...I'm working. I've been working since June and although the job isn't permanent I've been extended here through the end of October. I work with my mom at a law firm and I've really enjoyed my time here.
   Because I work with my mom I have tried to step gently across this territory, but apparently I'm doing it wrong (at least, that has recently come to my attention). Since I've worked here I've eaten with her and others in the lunch room...which I HATE, but it's expected that I would want to spend all my free time with her and these other people so I go and sit there politely engaged in conversations that frustrate me and eat my lunch. Well, this morning I was told that I am being rude to her friend because I choose to read while I eat and in doing so I no longer talk or listen to their conversations. I read and eat and that's seen as rude because I am not answering questions when posed because I'm READING. Also, since I don't actually hear the question I'm being asked my reaction which is usually "what? or huh?" is being seen as rude. When in fact, if someone is politely and quietly reading isn't the person asking the question the rude one?
    This friend of my mother "has influence" so she (my mother) expects me to treat this friend with kindness and sit at her feet and wait for her to pat me on the head and ask me another stupid or very personal question (which she has done in the past). I'm at the point where I just can't win, so I'm choosing to get out of the game.

   You see, since I've started this journey into the great American workforce I've eaten lunch alone....I don't like to eat lunch with other people. I don't like to talk...I like to spend that time reading, listening to music, thinking, writing...I like to spend my time doing something productive and enjoying myself. I generally don't like to spend time eating lunch with others because they want to talk about work. On my FREE lunch hour I don't want to talk about work! I don't want to talk at all.
   Also, apparently there are spies all around you are watching me and taking notes about everything I do or say in the lunch room. You'd think that if I sit quietly and read there'd be nothing to "report", but I guess that's wrongs too. When I do talk I come across as a "know it all" and I get involved in conversations I'm not supposed to be in. So read, talking or watching TV I'm wrong no matter what I do. Guess, I should be happy she didn't tell me I eat badly (which I'm sure will come up at some point).

    So I've decided I'm done. I won't be eating lunch in that room with those people any more. I'll find another place to spend my free hour, where I won't offend anyone, where I can read in peace and where I'll expect to not be bother by stupid questions posed while I'm clearly doing something different. I'll spend my free hour not being watched by spies or offending my mother's "friend with influence". I'll spend it doing what I want to do...and I'll be happier about it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Why is it that people ask the dumbest questions when you need help or sympathy (or when you're not even speaking to them)?

Like if I walk into a room and say to my mother, my leg is really hurting and I don't know why. Then someone (not my mother) comes up with...Did you hit it, bump into something? Well if I had then I would know why it's hurting!!!

I just don't know why people a) Have to be all in the conversation b) ask stupid questions

Okay...rant over!

Have a good day!

~m

Thursday, September 06, 2012

I Don't Care (wrote this a while ago, but it's still relevent)


  That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...
  Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
   I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.

I don't care....

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record


  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Where Has My Joy Gone?


I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, but it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.

This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb was going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.

I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the normal. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.

This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my unhappiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.

No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.

It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

Being Truthful

   After having a long conversation with a friend the other day I realized something. My honesty gives me peace. I've had various conversations over the years with different friends and in all of them I've tried to be completely honest. Some of them are receptive...they see the honesty, accept it as my opinion or feelings and are okay with it. There's no malice, anger or sadness and overall, they take it in. Now, there are others in my life that I've been honest with and they don't accept it...don't understand it and just don't really take it in. Those are the people I tend to hurt for the most. However, after this conversation I understand that as long as I am honest as long as I am true to myself and our relationship then I am at peace with whatever may follow.
   We all have experiences in our lives that effect us in different ways. For me, I take on the problems, stresses, burdens and heartaches of the ones I love onto myself. I hurt with them...I cry with them and even if they don't know it I carry the burden with them. So I've come to the conclusion (after that conversation) that I am at peace with a certain situation because I've been honest throughout it. Even, when I had to summon up the courage to be truthful I've done it because in my heart I know I needed to. So looking back at the honesty, the encouragement and the love that I've shared over the past 10 years of this relationship I know that even though the person I care for has put themselves in a dire hole, I have stood by them truthfully and I can't hold on to the burden they've placed on their own shoulders.
   Hindsight is always 20/20, at least that's what they say...and most tend to look back and say, with regret, I should of said/done something about it then...it could of prevented what's happening now. I'm confident that in my being honest with people that I won't look back on things with regret...because I've said my peace and there is truly nothing more I can do about it. We all have a choice about what we can do in life...what we want out of life and how we choose to spend it. If I choose to have you in my life and to spend time with you then I owe it to you and myself to be honest about things. If I see you in trouble, or heading down that road I think I should speak up...try to let you see the bigger picture. It may not work, but why shouldn't I try?

  In the end there are things only the person who is in them can chose. I can't make anyone's final decisions on what to do. I can only hope they listen, just a little, about what I may suggest and advise. Most time it's you can do better...don't settle.

Friendships and Labels

I've been thinking about the state of my relationships...and how I have friends that have become like family and friends that haven't. The essence of most of my friendships have been built up over years and years and have turned into that most intimate of friendships, where the lines blur between my friends and my family. In fact, if you really want to see this in my life you need to look no further than my "Mexican Family" who I've know since 1993 and who've over time, become my second family Mother, Sisters, Brother, Aunts, Uncles, Grandma and Step-dad. There are no longer any lines to blur because they are my family. This has also (I've recently discovered) occurred with my friend Kristi and her family. I see her very much like a sister and less like just a friend everyday. 


Wait, before I continue...let me say that these are my feelings and if others don't feel that way toward me I'm okay with it...it's important that people know how I feel about them...and this is how I feel. I'm not doing this to ask for love in return.


  Okay, she (Kristi) has become like a sister to me...her family, like mine and my love for all of them just grows and grows. But there are some relationships...that even though I love the people I'm in them with, I don't look upon like family. In fact, I've questioned whether or not I could ever actually look at them like that. My answer was a hard no. Not hard as in inflexible, but hard as in it was a hard question to answer honestly. 
  We put labels on ourselves and the people around us...friends, family, best friend, acquaintance, parent, child...we apply these labels and most times don't allow them to be removed or replaced with anything else. I've found that although for some, I find it easy to replace those labels, for others the labels aren't something I want to replace...not one bit, not at all. 
   I've had a few best friends in my life and of the few only one would I consider family. But I've also known her since I was in 5th grade, so if she isn't family then she's a fungus I can't get rid of : ). The others are people who, though I love them, I don't see them as family. There are many reasons for this...but I think the biggest reason is the fact that I'm not able to confide in them the way I can with others. There are things that I wouldn't/won't share because I don't really believe they'll listen, care or want to know. For a best friend, that's a tough thing to say, but it's the reality and even though I know that they'd say that's not true, I see their reactions and body language tell a different story. I've never actually felt that I could really truly tell my best friends everything about me, my feelings, my problems, and show them my true deep self. In fact, I've always felt like there was some underlying competition on going, trivial....but still there and very present...at least to me. Every so often I'm actually surprised at how well they know me...but it's a fleeting feeling when I can't really bring myself to talk about it further.
   It's troubling, in someways, that I've viewed (and very much continue to do so) these relationships this way. It would be so much easier, simpler and nicer to think of these best friend relationships as more than that. But ultimately I keep them in that category to keep myself from the ultimate pain, heartbreak. Would I like to remove or replace this title and claim the best friend as a sister...to share and show myself wholeheartedly knowing that I'm supported and cared for? Yes, but that's easier said than done. It starts with the truth....and it never ends. Fights, love, anger, forgiveness, truth and openness...these are friendship....a family make. And without even one I can't see changing a friendship (best or not) into a family.