Huh

You know the old saying

 "In a crisis you end up taking care of your friends, when they should be taking care of you" 

It's true.
People can't really seem to deal when someone else is in pain.
Instead they start trying to figure out what they could have possibly done to make the other person feel that way or make the other person mad.
That's their guilt.
For whatever reason they feel guilty about something and so
they think the person going through the emotional breakdown is
talking about them

Or it could be selfishness.
that they are so completely self-absorbed
that they don't think the other person
would talk about anyone but them
and how dare they take try to draw focus

Either way, it's not helpful
not to either person involved
if I'm going through it I'm going through it
I usually don't confide because people can never actually help me
I generally don't believe what they're saying to console me
and it leaves me open to be broken later
because whenever or whoever I open myself up to
usually ends up doing the exact same thing to me
in the future.

In Love with the Idea

Photography
I've always wanted to be a photographer. Since I was little, I've known I wanted to capture interesting pictures for other people to see. Of course, as a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I told people the usual doctor, lawyer, teacher. Those are the standards aren't they? But I never felt smart enough to be a doctor and I was never really interested in being a lawyer. Of course, there are days when I'd love to be a teacher, but that requires school which I frankly don't really want to deal with. Photography however, still burns somewhere within me. When I see great photographs, whether they be editorial or fashion, I get the pang of a missing life element in my body. I never shared my desire to be a photographer (despite having a blog in which I share very personal feelings I am actually very shy and hold things very close to my heart not revealing them to anyone, even those closest to me), so no one ever knew how much I wanted to explore the world from behind a lens.
   I remember sitting in a cafe watching a photographer and a model as they took some shots by the window. I thought "that's what I should be doing, but it's to late". I was 20, stuck in the workforce with no where to go but back to work. Hopeless, tired and sad. In some ways I still feel that way, but then I wonder whats really holding me back?
   About 5 years ago I bought a Canon AE-1 film camera. I wanted to take some photography classes but getting into the local community college to even try to register was a hassle (it required taking a placement test and meeting with a school guidance counselor), needless to say I didn't take any classes, but I did start to snap. I learned, by trail and error, to use my camera and enjoyed it very much. Still it never became the passion I thought it would. I never got the longing or need to have my camera with me all the time. I never set out on a day of film and sun. I never set out to do the work. I can blame that on many things but laziness is at the top...followed closely by fear.
    I had grand ideas and aspirations. I thought I'd be out exploring on weekends, trying this and that...start with Scenery and landscapes...then move to buildings, the ocean and people. That didn't happen. It wasn't the lack of passion, but the lack of drive. I know I'm the only one who's suffering because of it. I don't look at my camera and think let's go...I look at it and think, what if?
   I want to change that, I want to actually get my butt and my camera in gear. I say that and dream that, but don't do it. There's a sequence in the movie "The Women" (the remake) in which Meg Ryan's character goes off to find what she wants in life...she (dramatically) pulls out her camera out and with it begins to walk around New York taking pictures  of what inspires her she and start posting them (along with her sketches) on to a mood board. She goes all over NEW York snapping and adding the photos to her collection. Eventually she finds what she wants...I think of doing that myself. Of discovering who I am through the lens of my camera, but I'm wondering, Is it the idea of photography what I love so much or is it the actual process? I don't know and I'll never know...not unless I get off my butt and do something about it. Until I stop looking at my camera with what ifs and start looking at it with let's go explore.
   Now, I just have to get my camera back (that's another story)

   Until Next Time
   ~m

Dawn sparks the start of a new day
decisions must be made
feelings of safety and sanity must be eased.
This day comes with promises
hopes, dreams and concerns
the decisions made today will lay the foundations
The start or the wait
I'm not sure which is best
not sure which I should choose
but a choice must be made
and I'm the only one who can make it

I can see clearly now....

I'm still thoroughly mad and ultimately very hurt
but, what I have realized is I'm the only person who's hurt by all of this.

I'm not going on about my feelings to stir up sympathy
or to have people feel sorry for me.
In fact, I don't really expect any of that.
concern is fleeting.

Anyway, I'm clear today.
no tears, just forward progress
there's no reason for me to dwell
on the things I now know aren't real.

It's time to focus on what is
that's life
good, bad and ugly
it's also me.
here present and trying to understand
what this life is all about.

I'm not going to worry about what
anyone but myself
because all people ever do is disappoint.

It'll get better and I'll learn hard lessons
but in the end I will be better
because you have to travel through the dark
to appreciate when you're in the light.

Broken heart or not

My Lists...

I'm a list maker,
I make a list for everything.
Partly because I'm forgetful and
partly so I have something to do.

I've been in the process of writing two separate lists for the past couple months.
but because my mind is ever changing I haven't been able to come up with a list that is satisfactory

then today,
staring at the draft of one of the lists, I realized.
it doesn't matter.
It' doesn't matter how many lists I make
or what the lists are for
none of it will happen

no matter how much I hope
or pray
or wait
or think positively about it
it's all for not

because I'm here and I'm stuck
and my lists mean nothing.
so I give up.
why make a list?
if I don't even care any more
if there's no hope left

I'll just be sitting over here
living a life of hopelessness

24 hours

That's all I'm giving myself.
That's all I can afford.
I can't sit at my desk and cry all day.
of course, I should have stayed home
but that would have been worse than sitting here crying.

At least I'm getting something done.
Hopefully it's correct.

24 hours is what I'm giving myself to move on.
and get through the crying phase.
everything else will move slowly
but I'm only allowing myself to wallow for 24 hours.

then it's time for me to put on my
boots and keep moving.

Finding Clarity

  God has a good sense of humor. I think he laughs all the time, I mean, we're a funny bunch of people and I think he laughs at some of our antics and silliness. But as good as his sense of humor is, he's also broken-hearted by (dare I say) most of the choices we make. (I honestly don't know where that came from, totally not the point of this post).
 
  Okay...take two!
  One of the reasons this move was so hard was because of the house I moved into. Although it is a nice place and my roommate is a sweetheart we live in two very different ways. And within a week of her being home from holiday I was praying for my own place, a place of my own without a roommate. However, God told me to wait. He very clearly told me there was a reason for my stay here and that even though I didn't understand it I would. All I had was trust and faith because I know that God had placed me in this situation for a reason and I couldn't really question it.
  Well, it has finally become very clear why I was put here, what the reasons were and why God found it fit for me to be in this place with this person. One reason was to keep me from becoming very isolated, which I can easily do. If you let me I'd become a recluse and have no real problem with it. I also think I needed to be with someone because the aloneness (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up) would have been a shock to the system. Also, I won't go into details, but this year has gotten difficult for my roommate and just when we think things are leveling out, something else happens. I think that God put me here to help her financially and emotionally. Sometimes when you hit the wall you just need someone there to make sure, even in the smallest way, that you'll get back up. I only hope that my presence, how ever small can help her in some way.
   But with all that said, I feel that God is starting to reveal more to me. After a drought and me not hearing him, I feel like he's starting to open my eyes, ears and heart again and show me these things. He's giving me information and things to look forward to. Some of them are things that I was starting to wonder about. I was curious to see if he'd really come through with them. And even though none have come to pass yet, I know that when I'm ready he will be too (or the other way around). I'm actually ready now, at least I think I am. But I'm not sure if that's truly the case. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all it in tales. and apparently He doesn't think I am either. God's timing is always perfect.

   So I'm finding things a bit more clear...I'm starting to see a direction. Now all I have to do is stay on it and keep moving. Because I know it will get harder and I know that I may fall...but I can get back up. I know with His help I can do it.

Ghosts from the Fog

They move hazy, heavy in their weightlessness
through the foggy fields
confusion fills their faces
as their clothes tell stories of bygone eras
They are drowned in a misty light
shining eerily through the pre-morning darkness.

I see them, but feel no fear
only a concern for the lost souls
for they are lost,
they are seeking a place of refuge
a place to call home.

Slowly they march across fields
reenacting the very battles that left them here
dead
there's nothing left for them
these soldiers
all has moved on without them.

But still everyday
they battle and long for home
scared
or fearless
I cannot tell.
But sad and lonely
I can see distinctly

Facebook Rant

To any who are coming here trying to figure out what's going on with me...
if you've read my facebook rant, if you've spoke to someone else, if you're concerned...
here you go.

Yes, the facebook rant was real (I was asked that this morning).
Yes, I was dead serious about everything I sad,
especially the part about not texting me
Yes, I turned off my phone
No, it has nothing to do with you.

I'm not the type of person to go on a rant then say it was a joke.
I believe in the power of words and I write them meaning something
If it doesn't sound like I'm joking, then I'm not.

If I say don't text me, don't.
It means I don't want to talk,
It means I don't want to listen,
It means I want to be left alone.
and Yes, I'm serious when I say it.
Often times too many people want to fix it
when all that needs to be done is nothing
all that is wanted is silence

Whatever happened and whoever it happened with is no ones concern but mine.
Because I'm the only one who can fix it.
And here's the fix, since you must know.

I'M DONE!

I'm done, because no one is worth me feeling like crap
no one is worth my heart being broken
or my tears
or my dreams
or my fears

so I simply and respectfully ask that you just leave me alone.

I've deleted my facebook and my twitter.
if I write I'll write,
if I instagram I'll instagram

I'll call this a re-evaluation of myself and my life.
and move on from here.

and please remember this post
if you call or text me and I don't answer
it's because I'm not ready
and I'm still to raw to deal

Fixin'

I don't need fixing.
I don't need hugs and kisses
I don't need "it's going to be okay"
I don't need encouraging words
or happy sayings.

I don't need questions
I don't need answers
I don't need any of that

I need to learn
I need to sit back and leave it alone
I need to unplug
I need to be alone
I need me

Here before...

falling
falling and no one sees
or no one cares
I'm falling
the only thing left for me is the crash
the crash that leaves me broken
broken
in pain
but that's the only way to know
to know
I'm still alive
because pain is what I know
comes easy
comes natural
comes even when my world is good
comes to break my heart
to devastate me
I'm broken
never healed
not enough time to mend
before the pain comes back again
I see myself
less and less
because fractures leave cracks
breaks leave scars
my broken my wings to fragile
they will never carry me off
so still I fall
waiting for the crash
that will always leave me
in pain

24hrs

Not even that.
I can't get an hour
need to be left alone.
Can't even be left alone

All Me

I did it to myself
I let myself hope
although everything said don't
I did anyway
and where did my hope get me
here
which is no where
with nothing
not even hope
I'm back where I started
with no one to blame
but myself
naked and unwanted
Alone

Back...

and just like that...
I'm back in the valley

Wondering

I've been wondering if anyone would care if I was no longer here...
I'm pretty sure the answer is NO...
because if no one cares about me while I'm here,
why would they care if I was gone?

Stunned

It's amazing how you can give give give to someone...
How you can be a shoulder
an advisor
and a friend
without asking for anything but the same in return.
Then the one day you need them they show you how many fucks they give...
Which is none.
Thanks for that, I now truly understand my place...

in the matter of moments it can all come crashing down!

Movie Review - Beautiful Creatures

 I am a sucker for adaptations. If I find a trailer that intrigues me then learn that the movie is based on a book I'll go out grab the book and read it. Once I'm done I'm bubbly with excitement to see the film. So, my journey through Beautiful Creatures was just that. I read the book in two days and loved it. I couldn't wait to see the movie, but when it came out I was too busy packing to move to go out and see it. Then once settled and ready I found that it hadn't done well and was pulled from theatres. So I've been waiting since March and finally, last night I laid across my bed and watched it.

  IT SUCKS!
 
  Oh the disappointment that slowly seeped into my heart as I watch this side show of a movie. It really was something I can only shake my head at. Hoping upon hope that it would get better...I only found it getting worse.
  I'm so very happy I didn't spend theatre money on this crap fest. Now, because I enjoy adaptations I know that things get changed (I'm not one of those, it's not like the book people. I generally understand and enjoy subtle changes that enhance a movie). Some characters are dropped, some things that have no direct effect on the plot get erased. I also know that sometimes with a book series screenwriters will down play "small" characters because they don't know how important they will be later on in the story (see Neville Longbottom in the HP movies/books). But this movie took that all to a new level. The true title should I have "Beautiful Creatures, a film loosely based on the book of the same name". For a film based on a book they took very little of the book and put it in the film. In fact it left out so much that I don't even know how anyone could call it an adaptation.
  In this post Twilight teen book to movie world we have been spoiled. Although Twilight was terrible it was true to the book. The Hunger Games, which was monumentally better, was also very true to the book. This movie couldn't even get the smallest detail like "Uncle Abner's" favorite food correct. It was like the writer (who also directed this thing) changed things just because he felt like changing them, fandom be damned.
  I won't go through every change (because that would take FOREVER) and some I can agree with, like taking out the dog, Boo Radley. Others especially those of great significance, like Kelting (which is a telepathic way the 2 main characters speak to each other), are just baffling to me. And merging two very different, yet very important characters (Amma and Aunt Marion) was the beginning of the end. This is just one part of this franchise's Neville Longbottom problem...because these two characters have very different roles to play, but they have to play them separately they cannot be played by the same person...it's too much and by the end of it we'd all be wondering if she's an immortal. Also, by merging them they all but got rid of the main characters mother who, even though she died about 6 months before the start, plays a great role in her son's life and this story. and the fact that she's just recently died and left her son pretty broken hearted isn't addresses either. Oh, back to the Neville problem...you can't say that screenwriter didn't know what would happen, because during the filming the final book in the series was being published and the series writers were on set and could tell him what and why certain things needed to stay the same.
  This film also single handedly turned 3 Oscar nominated actors into quite possibly the worse actors ever on the planet earth.  I was really excited about Jeremy Irons being cast and Uncle Macon, but it turned out to be completely wrong.
   But the worst thing I can say about this movie is that it's worst than Twilight. Yes, as bad as Twilight was overall (if you look at the source material BC is a much better book than Twilight to start with) this movie is quite literally worse. From the writing to the acting to the special effects  (which are horrid) to the overall feel it was all just BAD!
   And to think, they're going to make 3 more movies...hopefully, they find a better director and allow the two ladies who wrote the books to write the screen plays.

   I also wanted to say this, I really don't like the fact that Ethan (the POV character) calls Lena (his girlfriend) a Bitch. We already have a problem with how men treat women and to have a movie aimed at teenagers show that type of interaction (whether it was warranted and whether he apologized or not) it was completely unnecessary. It just reinforces what certain parts of society (and yes the Twilight franchise was based on) male dominance and control over women. These aren't the types of things we should be showing the next generation.

   Don't see this movie...don't spend your time or money on it. Not worth it at all!

   Until Next Time!

    ~m

The Loneliest Day

 
Easy...Sundays.

 Or at least it use to be. Since moving my weekends have been filled with doing nothing on Saturdays and a Sunday of church and errands. Once my tasks were done, I was back home and settled in with only TV to keep me occupied I realized I was bored and lonely.

 Not so much that I was lonely in that I have no peoples to hang with (cause I do and let's face it I'm lonely even when surrounded by people). But more of the fact that these radical things are happening and I have no one to share them with. Having a profound experience at church or being completely energized with no one to help me control my inner dialogue or to bounce questions/ideas off of. I found myself stuck in a runt either dreading the following workday or lying across my bed insta-stalking people (stalking people through Instagram). I was starting to think that all these people, so I know, most I don't have these wonderful almost perfect lives. If you look at all the carefully picked, filtered and photo shopped pictures on the screen you start to get that feeling. You start to think that you're the only one who's life is a big pile of suck. On those Sunday afternoons I slowly started to dig myself into a hole wishing for other people's happiness instead of my own and wondering why my life, even in picture never looked as good as everyone else's...then I heard some very wise words.

  "If you compare your fractured life to someone else's fractured life then you will always stay fractured."

  It's not new...it may be different words, it may be put in a new/different way, but it's a sentiment I've heard before. It's just that this time the impact it made and the way it made me feel was a first. Because in that moment I knew that the Sunday afternoons sitting putting a story to someone else's pictures was slowly killing me. Although I cannot tell you whether these lives are fractured, I can tell you that whatever the circumstances they are not right for me. My life is my own, created through a unique set of circumstance, experiences, choices, traumas and tears. So whether I'm looking at someone else's perfect or fractured life I know, it wouldn't work for me because they haven't walked in my shoes (and I haven't walked in theirs).
   So I sit on my Sunday afternoons and try to figure out what I want. What I'm doing and who I am. I'm not dreaming of someone else's life...I'm dreaming of my future. Am I lonely? I don't know, that thought hasn't entered my mind. Am I bored, No not any longer. What I am is solid and content. I'm okay and right now, that's all I am asking for.

   Until Next Time

      ~m

Stumbled Upon...

this post (that's the link) I wrote in 2011.
It feels as relevant to me now as it must have when I wrote it.
So take a look at it.
I hope you understand the sentiment.
I hope you see that you are good enough.

Until Next Time

~m

Piece of the Puzzle

Who was I kidding?
Only myself...
I thought I was important enough.
I thought I was special enough,
but I was wrong...so thoroughly wrong.

It's okay
I have to start over
I have to find what I need
who I need
what's important to me
because I put my trust and hope in the wrong people

I will fall
I will step off the path
I will continue to be disappointed
I expect it
I know it's coming, so why do I even act like it's not possible?

Because
I've always hoped that it would be different.
I'm okay
I will be okay
I will fade into life
and not look back
you'll remember me one day
and wonder what happened

and I will be living a new life
free from the disappointment
free from the hurt
and when you hear my voice in your head
you'll know
you were a piece of the puzzle
that drove me away

Receiving Sermons

 
  I've been thinking a lot lately about Sunday sermons and how they effect me. Specifically my overall reaction to them. Since arriving in Ventura and at the City Church my response to sermons has been drastically different than it ever has been before. Spiritually, emotionally and physically the sermons have an impact on me and leave me thinking about lesson after I walk out of the church. I've been wondering if this is a product of God really speaking to me through this new place or if its simply me being more open to hearing him.
  I'll be honest, over the last few years (probably since 07-08) I've been mad with God. I've been stubborn, distant and uncooperative. So going to church, worshiping in an authentic way and really listening to the sermons wasn't a priority. It also became more and more difficult to be engaged at Marina. I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of the sermons or the worship. Listen, I'm not blaming anyone or trying to say that Marina isn't a good church with good people. I know for a fact that Marina is a wonderful church and that the worship and sermons touch and connect with lots of people, but for me it lacked something. Which brings me back to wondering if it was just me? My baggage, my attitude, my lack of wanting anything because I was checked out of everything.
  Remember unhappiness, true deep unhappiness , can keep you stagnant, lonely and unwanting. Do I think I had depression? I'm not sure, but I know I was truly unhappy and I blamed that on God. Whether that was the right thing or not I don't know, but it is the truth of the matter. Because of that blame I was very much closed off. I told myself that when I was ready and when God was ready things would change, but I wasn't really ready to take that first step. But God was and He did and I followed his lead. Things changed and my outlook on life changed. I started to look at things differently and slowly my unhappiness drained away...but I still wasn't hearing from God through Marina.
   Once I got here, to Ventura to the City Church, all that changed. My heart changed...I was engaged and overjoyed and every part of the service connected with my heart. Every part from start to finish was made for me. And the rare Sundays (2 in fact) I don't go it effected my entire week in a negative way. Now, my mindset, my relationship with God and my heart are different and I wonder if the change is me or the church I'm attending?
   It would be easy to say it was the church to compare and say I like this better than that. That's the easy way...but it's also the truth.  I think that now, I'm willing to listen intently and learn. Because I'm truly seeking God's heart and His plan for me I'm really trying to learn it in what I'm hearing from the front of the sanctuary. So I guess it is me? I guess it's my heart...because it's where it needs to be and I'm not wishing I was somewhere else. I'm finally at my destination and I'm trying to continue my walk with God in
a new way. I guess this is just a part of that. My heart is open and I'm not burdened by my surroundings anymore.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Break...

 

  Having a place to spew my unfiltered ridiculousness in 140 characters or less is a danger to me.
   I'm on a break from Twitter. I realized that its toxic for me at this moment. I shouldn't really be allowed to just, you know, type crap into the universe. Now, you can say the same about this blog, but I filter here. I read through what I write here. I edit out and correct things here (even though it doesn't seem that way). And here, in this place, my ramblings have more meaning for me. I'm not just complaining or whining or being reckless here, like I am on twitter.
   So, I'm taking a break. I'm trying to see how/if I can or need to go back there. If I need to share every thought that pops into my head just because I have a user name and access to the Internet. I don't think I do and so far I'm happy about it.
   I do have to say however, if something big happens in the world of any royal family twitter is the first place I'll go...it's just faster and easier to get the information but until then...
   I'm on a break
   Until Next Time

   ~m

It really is the smallest things

  

that can make you the happiest.
The tiniest, randomnest but most thoughtful things that can give you all you the reassurance you need.

Place with No Sound

There's a place in my head that has no sound
it's a place of dreams and life
lights and peace
It's a place I always long to be

I am myself in this place, I open myself up
I understand myself
myself wants, needs and dreams

This is the place I keep secret
the safest place I can be
there is no fear here, only joy
there is no negative here, only love

There's a place in my head that has no sound
in that place the flowers grow
the wind blows
the water flows
because in that place its green and free

Nature can bloom
God walks among it
admiring his works
I sit and watch in awe
in this place where there is no sound

There's a place in my heart that has no sound
where my life is a canvas of colours running wild
where God laughs and hold my hand
and I know that I am going where I need to be

There's a place in my head that has no sound
my escape...
that only allows me in when life gets too hard.
It's my paradise

Out on a limb

Out on a limb
The loneliest place to be
Waiting, wondering Is this really all it could be
The magic has faded
The rest has turned to sleeplessness
And unhappiness creeps closer
Out on a limb
The journey has begun
But the road is different then expected
Missing things that never mattered
Losing sunlight on the things that do
Out on a limb
That's where I stand
A decision made, a dream come true
But why am I stranded on a limb
If this is what I wanted?

Need to Vent

  
Just a few things I need to get off chest.

Yes, I moved...yes it's far.
Get over it!
I don't have to explain my decisions or actions to you especially if you have no influence on my life other than seeing each other at work.
You're never coming to visit me, I have no desire to hang out with you so I don't see why you're so put out by where I live.
And as far as wanting to know why I moved so far, I don't see how thats any of your business.
I moved when and where I wanted because thats what I wanted.
It doesn't effect you the slightest so get over yourself and stop asking me questions.
 
Yes, it cold in this room...You don't sit in this room for 8 hours a day.
I've explained to you why it's cold.
I've explained to you why I choose to have the temperature at this level.
If you sat here maybe you'd choose something higher I don't know.
But you need to stop commenting about how cold it is EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you walk in the room.
Its not going to make me turn up the heat.
Really all you're doing is irritating me and pissing me off.
If its the 5th time you've walk in and you say its cold for the 5th time please know I will ignore you!
 

Thanks for listening

Post about Victoria...just because

  Yesterday was the investiture of the new King and Queen of the Netherlands. Most people don't know that I'm secretly obsessed with all things royal. Not just the British Royal Family, but all of the most of the Europeans and I'm becoming increasingly interested in the Japanese Imperial Family as well (for those of you who didn't know there were still royals out there...there are...quite a few actually).
   Any who I spent most of yesterday in engaged in photos of tiara, ballgowns and just overall royal splendor...but today I decided to spam some photos of my favorite royal.

    Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden, I like her for many reasons...but enough with the writing here are some photos of her! Enjoy

  

 

 

The gentleman with her in some photos is her husband Prince Daniel and the baby is their daughter Princess Estelle.