How did I get so mean...

  I was just thinking about that. I didn't used to be so mean and ornery. I used to be a very happy go lucky, go with the flow kind of person, and now I'm just mean. Well, maybe not mean, but aloof...I don't care very much about the people around me (in my everyday life). I used to lovingly give all I had to everyone, not withholding any of the friendship back. I would just present myself and go for it. I guess a lot can change in a year or two and after being burned by the people you think are your friends (even family) your outlook on relationships changes.
  I think that I changed a lot in the last year and a half. I don't know if it was a good change or a bad one, but what I do know is the change made me think about my priorities. It made me wonder if I was living up to my potential or if I was just settling. Along with that I found myself looking at love, romance and marriage in a different way. I've learned a hard lesson and I'm slowly understanding that I let me ultimate selfishness get in the way sometimes. I don't regret any choices I've made, because every choice is a learning experience. But I have found myself questioning why I made the choices I did and if I let others influence them.
  In all reality, I'm an adult who made decisions out of frustration, emotion, selfishness and fear. I can own that and I can say that I don't regret them...I can also say that if I had to do it all again I would probably make the same choices. I'd come to the same conclusion in the end. I will grow, sometimes the weeds may come up and try to strangle me and in my fear I'll say or do something rash, it's not an excuse, its the truth. No one's perfect, no one can tell me what I can and can't do. All anyone else can do is try and help, (if I let them) be a shoulder and watch me fall.
   I'm waiting for the one person I can truly open up every wound to and if this stumble leads me to the soul mate I've been searching for then, these series of stumbles is well worth it.