Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Another Blog...Again and again

 I decided to do this again....

 I have a tumblr blog, it's not a journal-like blog like this one...it is a "girly" fashion, makeup, shoes and accessories blog. I'm not trying to school anyone in the ways of being girly...cause I'm not, but I do have to say that somewhere inside of me is a real girly girl trying to escape!

 This belong is the first of many steps to that. I hope you swing by and give me your feed back, I'd really appreciate it!


 This blog will keep going, cause I still need someplace to vent my frustration and concerns.

 Until Next Time

Monday, May 23, 2011

When it Rains, It Pours...

 And it's not always the good kind of rain.

  Last week I had a job interview and well, today I was informed I didn't get it. I've tried to stay pretty positive about the whole job hunt thing. Not getting any call backs or only getting scams and now, it's the getting all the way through two interviews and a "test" but still being told you're not what we're looking for.  It sucks!

   I'm still trying to keep my head up. I instinctively knew that I wasn't going to get it, but I'm still disappointed. I'm still sadden by the fact, that my skills...my experience isn't good enough. I'm starting to feel trapped and I don't like it.

   So now, it's back to the drawing board....back to the disappointment. Trying to keep the sadness from taking over.

Hey

  You still here? Didn't get taken in the rapture? Me either...well, have a good day

Friday, May 20, 2011

Know Peace

 As I sit here writing this post I have thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Thoughts that are more worrying and over powering than anything I can read in the news at the moment. But in the news, besides Arnold's Baby, the Boxtox Mom and the Nazi Director (see what I mean) there is a story about the end of the world. If you haven't heard it yet...here it is. The world will end on Saturday, May 21, 2011. Or at least that's what someone has predicted.
  I vaguely heard something about this a couple months ago, then recently saw a billboard for it. And now, on the eve of this day there is a definite uproar about it everywhere. I don't believe it because frankly, I believe in God. I believe what the bible says about the end of the world. That only God knows that date and God will only tell Jesus when it's time. No one else is privy to the information because....no one else is worthy of it. So for some guy to come out and say this is what's going to happen makes me laugh.
  As a human, there's always that self doubt, I believe what I believe but there's that little voice saying....are you sure? Listen if the world ends tomorrow I will, be wrong. I can live with that. But if it doesn't...then what? What are we supposed to do...go on with the rest of our lives until the next day the world is supposed to end....which is next year(I'll have another post on that topic), THANKS MAYANS!
   I know peace, the peace that passes all understanding the peace that God gives out to quiet our souls and give us calm. The peace to dismiss the ridiculous, the turn the other cheek and keep ourselves walking on the path toward heaven. This peace is a peace everyone should have. A peace that God will give you, all you have to do is ask. This is the peace that will keep me grounded and happy.
   So tomorrow when the world is running around waiting for the end, I'll be at peace knowing that God's in control and I'm okay. And if tomorrow He does decide to end it all...I'll be at peace with that too.

   Next Until Time...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Little Girls

 We have an epidemic on our hands. I daughters don't know how much they're worth. They don't know that they are special. We put them in front of the Television or computer and show them all these women who are selling themselves short. Marketing their bodies, giving their souls away, these are not the women our girls should be looking up to.
  My role models have always been the women around me, and I hope that in someways I can be some kind of role model to someone else. I'm not saying that I'm great, but I am saying that I hope there's someone out there who can learn from my mistakes and heartbreaks and doesn't have to go through them herself.
   I just wish we could offer more hope to our daughters...more than just half naked celebrities, sex tapes, bad behavior and low morals. I just really hope that there are women out there who believe, hope and pray for the same.

  Until Next Time.

Examples

 Parents should set good examples for their children. No one told my father that, because he sets examples for us their just not good examples. In January when I lost my job, I was told the Friday before that I was going to be fired the following Monday. I came to my parents told them the story and got absolutely no support. My father was discouraging and my mom told me to beg for my job. No matter how much I didn't want to go back into that place they both insisted that I do. So I went, got fired and came home. They couldn't understand why it happened even though I told them it would. It's like they forgot the conversation we has two days before.

  Fast forward 4 months later, my father was given notice that he will receive a pink slip at the end of this school term, a pink slip with the possibility of not getting find just moved to about school. You know what he did Monday....no, he didn't go to work like he told me to do. He didn't go in Monday or Tuesday. He stayed home and moped in his bed like a baby. He decided that it was just too tough to go in and maybe have the support of his supervisor, and maybe just maybe be placed at a different school. I didn't have any support, I was going and all the people around me knew it, they had created the situation and I was the patsy. He's just lazy...

   How can you tell you child to do one thing then you do something completely different, maybe it' because he's stubborn, selfish and can't see beyond himself. or maybe it's because he feels like he's entitled and he can't understand why no one else gives a flying fuck. I could be wrong, but I think I know my father well enough to know this isn't going to end well.

Alone Time

 I've always been a sort of shy social butterfly. I love people (most of the time) but I am also afraid of them. I have trust issues and I never know  how to navigate until I've been around someone enough. I usually start off quiet, which I've been told comes off in a bad way, but it's so I can find the dynamic of the situation I'm walking into, but why am I giving up so much of myself to fit into someone else's group? When I was younger I always thought that I needed to be with people, that if I wanted to go to a movie or a restaurant I needed to be with someone to talk to or to share the experience with. Then I went to a movie alone....then a restaurant...then slowly but surely I realized that sometimes, I'd just rather be by myself.
  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to go out with friends, but if you're friends are busy or married (like ALL of mine) then you have to do things on your own or end up staying at home all the time. You have to learn to like/love yourself enough to be secure in yourself. You have to learn to like yourself enough to be in your own head and not be afraid of it. Some people won't understand that, but others will.
  It takes time to get to this state...for me, it took time and an unsatisfying life as I knew it (it also took crappy birthdays). I realized that I can't sit around and wait for someone, I also realized that my relationships can't be true if I'm not sure what true is. How can I give an opinion when I don't even know the different between my heart and my head. For me it took years, still for others it may take longer. In the end I know this I love my alone time...so much so that when I don't get it I feel like I'm going a little crazy.
 Alone time can be relaxing to the soul, it's time when you can just be...no expectations, no rules, no rushing...just you. That may scare you, but it's a good scare.

White House

 We are the owners of the White House, whether I ever see it in person or walk it's halls. I, as an American citizen am a partial owner of that house. And as an owner I was thrilled to hear that the Obama's wanted to open the White House up to everyone, hold events where different people of different experiences and cultures can come together and learn from each other. They wanted to make this White House the people's house again.
  When people hear the White House, I think they forget that it's actually a house. Yes, it's an office building, newroom, banquet hall, restaurant and museam too, but first and foremost it's a house. It's our house! America's House! The People's House! And the US is our Melting Pot. We aren't a country made up of one type of people, so even though up until 2 years ago our "House" was represented by one certain type of people, we now can see something different respresented. This "difference" has embraced the fact that we are all different and that our differences should celebrated and learned from.


   So yesterday, when scrolling yahoo's homepage I saw an article about Common (rapper, activist, poet, actor) being invited to the White House for a poetry slam being held this week. He was invited to preform. Of course the article insinuated that Common is a gangsta rapper (which he's not) and that he's filthy and not fit to walk through the halls of the Great House. Really? I went on to read the comments, half of which were positive, the other half were not. But the funniest comments were the ones pointing out that George H.W. Bush invited Easy E to the White House...Easy E who by many standards is one of the worst gangsta rappers ever. But people are afraid of someone more know for spoken word? Or is it that he's black and the President inviting him is black?
   CommentS stating that the Obamas were trash inviting trash into the White House is terrible and unnessecary. The truth is that Presidents have invited many different people to the White House over the years and some of those people didn't have the most idyllic backgrounds (and let's not forget the President that had women brought in for him to shag while he's wife was down the hall).

   So is it the fact that Common is a rapper or that he's black, that has these people up in arms? Or is it the fact that he bad mouthed President Bush (cause if that's so...most people can't go to the White House). Or is it simply the fact that rap music and "urban" poetry is still considered less than by a public of people who try to plead that their children are lacking the education of the arts but refuse to see just how diverse the arts have become? Anyway you put it, people are up in arms for the wrong reasons and ready to critize on the drop of a dime.
   I criticized Bush all the time, but not for his White House guests...more for he's lies, fabrications and willingness to get us into 2 wars while saying we're looking for a mass murdered when all the while he's been in an entirely different country. Yes, I criticized Bush for being a war criminal, for profiting from thieves and for sitting back at his ranch while watching people in the south die. Yes, I criticized him...but not for trivial things like inviting a rapper to the White House.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Is that it?

  There have been few times in my life when I can say that I was completely happy. Not just happy on the surface, but I felt like I was being fulfilled in every way possible. Those times revolve around music and children. There were 3 years where I led worship at Children's Summer Camp and I've worked with kids for 6+ years. Alone those experiences seem good, great even...but when I look at them as a whole. Two pieces that fit my personality I see that it was perfect.

  So in sitting around searching for what God wants for me I have to ask myself.."is this it God", are you telling me that the path I'm supposed to be on involves children and music? Are you telling me that I'll be truly happy again when I'm selfishly giving my all to two things I am completely passionate about? It sounds so easy and with God I can do anything...I just need to know where to step!

 

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Crying

 I don't know why, but for the last few months I've been crying more than I ever have before. I've tried to figure out if there's something wrong with my emotionally, if there's something deep down that I haven't dealt with, but I need to. But, for the life of me, I can't think of anything.

  I'm happy, I'm taking care of my family, I'm loving my friends, I'm trying to be still and listen to the Lord...yet I'm crying. Maybe in this stage of life I'm in I am just more open to tears, to the emotions behind them, which aren't always bad. Sometimes you have to cry just to let things out...

  I've been thinking it's hormones, but it's not...I'm crying when I'm not on my period (or close to it)...in fact, the tears come for any and everything...the last time I cried was yesterday and it was because I was watching a documentary on JK Rowling and she was talking about the end of Harry Potter...I started crying! Earlier in the day I cried watching a "it gets better" video on YouTube. I'm a mess....but there's no shame. I don't feel bad or stupid (maybe a little), I just feel free.

  Free to cry to feel the things that are on my mind and in my heart. Feel to express this part of me that wasn't demonstrated by the people around me. To me, crying is freedom! So maybe I should just stop questioning and let the tears follow!

  Until Next

Thursday, May 05, 2011

The Royal Wedding!




  Talk about me if you want...but I was up at 1:45 on Friday, April 29, 2011. I was up because I didn't want to miss a thing! Initially I wasn't going to get up until 3am, but I soon realized that I would miss the wedding procession from the various locations the wedding party was housed. I wanted to see the Princes, the Queen, the Bride being driven through the city and emerge from her car....I wanted to see the fairly tale. So I got up at 1:45am...I turned on the TV, made myself some coffee, and I got on the Internet (although I got off about 10 minutes later). And with coffee in hand I watched...all of it!

  There are people who don't get it and people who do. For me, I'm a girl her believed the fairly tales I watched. I wanted (want) the handsome prince to swept me off my feet and into a castle. But as a woman, I want a man to be my prince and swept me off my feet and into life as his wife. I love a wedding...doesn't matter who's it is...I love it! So for me, I got up to see it...because for a couple of hours I got to see the dream, the fantasy in action.

   And it was perfect...