A year of worklessness

This year started out with a bang...and set me up for a year of thinking, sadness and irritation. I can only hope that the new year is different.


Yes, this year started with me getting fired, but unlike most people who are fired I was happy about it. The truth is I had come to the realization that that job and the company I worked for was not the place I needed to be. Filled with backstabbers, liars and unfairness I was glad to be rid of the place that was suffocating me in every way. No one really understood how I could be happy about it. But no one around me really listens to what I say, so they didn't really know how unhappy I was where I was. Don't get me wrong I was pissed at being fired, but not because of the act...more because of the people who put me in that situation. A lot of favoritism (of which I was not privileged to have) and a lot of BS of which I spoke out about landed me in that place. Oh well, I'm not going to sit by and allow myself to be treated like crap. I spoke up and they didn't like it.


Anyway, I have yet to find a job and even though the year could have been really rough I have a lot of people who took care of me. I was able to pay off my car (which was a monthly headache) and I have been able to buy essentials without becoming too much or burden. I'm hoping that will change in the new year. I'm quickly coming up on my one year anniversary of not having a job. It would be wonderful if I actually had another one by then.


We'll see 

I look out my window searching,

daring the world to show me the impossible...

to shine a light on an improbable world

to make sense of the inexcusable

I look at my window longing,

for a better, safer, truer me...

to be happy in my own skin

to be satisfied in my being

I look out my window...

and I realize that looking out only keeps me in

the journey to finding all these things

begins when I step away from my window

and out my front door.

Fear

I've been afraid to step out of my comfort zone for a very long time. Recently, I've been standing on the knifes edge trying to decide what I needed to do with the life I'm wasting...I've always been leaning to the side of caution. Not anymore...
I have finally realized that what I want and what I need are the same. That this journey I'm on and all the cheerleaders I have are leading and cheering me to the same thing. If I look back over the last two years, I can see that my journey has been leading me to this one thing. Now, I just have to get it done...


It's funny, how God works...He has a way of telling me repeatedly what I need to do and when I get to my lowest and scariest point he always gently pushes me back to where my heart and head need to be. I'm very thankful for that...I'm very blessed for that...and I need to be as faithful to Him as He is to me.


My fear will always be there, I just can't let it keep me there.

there comes point in your life when you just have to look around and realize that you are good enough.
you're good enough for the life you've been given.
you're good enough to be loved,
to be thought of as beautiful,
to know that you, within yourself, are wonderful 
you don't need anything or anyone else to tell you that.


but more often than not, that day doesn't come 
because we live in a world where most of us cannot live up to the standards set around us
we need to stop trying to be like the rich and famous
we need to start trying to be our best selves. 
because if we are our best, we are unstoppable.


whoever you are, at whatever age, in whatever place...know that you are good enough.