Listen Dude

   ENOUGH!

   Stop coming around with your smile being all cute and stuff.

   Stop stopping by and talking to me.
  
   I'm done with it.

   I'm done!

   So you need to be done too

   Okay, just go back over there and leave me alone over here.

   And don't look at me when you walk by!

   Just stop.
 
   I just can't take it anymore.

Realizations

 
   It just dawned on me...I'm still holding on to things. It really can't be helped though. I'm trying my best to change my perspective but I still see the world through this foggy prism.
   
   I think my mother (I think both my parents) expected me to be clingy to all, text and be needy after I moved out. I haven't done that, there's been too much built up over the years, too much time spent deciding how I would handle our relationships once I was on my own. I decided that I would let the cards fall where they may, but I wasn't going to do any extras or go out of my way to repair something I didn't break.
  
    I've realized that I need to let go of the bitterness I have. I still work with my mother, I still have to see and deal with her regularly. Most of the time she's coming to chat because I'm not around to ignore her at home, but its an everyday thing. At first I was irritated, I wanted my space, but now its, a whatever situation. I can understand that she wants the communication, but I'm not so sure I want as much. I see that she misses me and apparently so does my father. But I'm not there, I'm not at the stage where I feel I need to call and speak to them everyday. I don't want to know about the madness that has kept rolling through that house. I'm just trying to get a handle on life and my direction. There are so many things I am still adjusting to, I don't have time to miss anything and I don't want to hear about the negatives, that's why I left.
  
    But all that being said, I have to change my mindset, I have to be a little more open. I need to except that they are who they are and that they will never really understand how I feel. I also need to let go so that I can move on to the bigger and better things in store for me. I need to see where a positive relationship with them can take me.
    Unfortunately, I have a feeling I'm going to end up being back where I started just 70 miles to the North.

Angry

The anger I feel for you is fleeting
Because I'm reminded that I know and understand why you chose to react to me this way
Jealousy and selfishness don't become the person who's supposed to care and support you.
You did what you felt was right, but you also did what you wanted, because of your own need to be needed.
For a time I did need you,
I needed your advice, opinion and love.
But I also needed to grow up, something which I think you chose not to see.
You told me what not to do because you were looking at how you thought I should be.
You dismissed my desires, because they meant I'd be walking away.
Then, once I'd chosen my path and started on my way you closed the door behind me.
I understand why,
but it doesn't hurt any less.
I know now that for some people, no matter how much someone is drowning, they won't help because it would damage there perfect view.

Your view is that of someone who can't accept that people have to move on.
You think of their movement as rejection.
It's not, sometimes it's simply time to find something else in this life.
It doesn't mean that friendship is over, it just means there will be new stories to share.
But, I'll see it your way and I'll move on...because that's what you expect and clearly want.

but I can't say I won't be angry with you from time to time.

Tired...

  I live in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation...
  I've done it to myself, but still it's there.

  At this point it's almost 10 am and I could fall completely asleep if I had a nice comfortable chair to sit in.

  Waking up at 4:30 am is not the best thing in the world
   especially when my body isn't ready for sleep until about 11pm.
 
  But every night I force myself into bed hoping my mind will shut down and allow sleep to take over.

   It hasn't been easy but at least I can say that today is Friday so tomorrow will be a good sleep in day. Hopefully I'll get my fill!

Don't Rush

   I've spent many many years going to church. Not just going, but actually being involved. When I was 8 years old my aunt decided I was going to start going to church with her and I was going to be on the usher board. Now, at that time, in that church, the usher board was actually unofficial the youth group...a youth group with big responsibilities. After years of doing this every Sunday, spending long days and sometimes full weekends (seriously, 8am Saturday til 10pm Sunday), I got tired of it and quit. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth (well, not necessarily that experience of the usher but the experience of that church and it's people) and I didn't really get back into church again until High School.
   In High School I attended a youth group led by an wonderful woman. I only went on the weekday youth night, I never went to the Sunday church service. I so thoroughly enjoyed that experience, but it ended in a way, that again, left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was finding that Church was full of disappointments (not God, the people) and it never felt like a place for me to experience anything other than work and disappointment.
    Finally, at 18 I was recruited to sing at a church. I did it to help, I did it for the need and want to sing, so I became apart of a worship team. I didn't understand really what that meant. Spiritually I wasn't ready to lead in anyway. I wasn't mature enough in anyway, but I wanted to sing and I didn't want to let anyone down. Ultimately, the love of the attention I received was much easier to accept than taking the time to step back and I find my spiritual self. But I enjoyed my Pastor and most of my time there...but over the years, I never felt like I was growing spiritually. I ended up being there singing and doing things behind the scenes for 12 years. I found that after a time I wasn't happy. So when my job situation changed, meaning I'd have to work Sundays, I ran and didn't look back. Once that job was over I went back sporadically...but it wasn't a serious commitment anymore. I didn't feel like the that particular church could provide me with the things I was so desperately looking for. So, I wasn't going to commit to anything, no matter how many people wanted me to. I had grown enough to know that I wasn't in a place to lead and I wasn't doing anything to get to that place.
   Skip to now...I'm in my new place with a church that I'm very excited about and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm not going to commit to anything, I decided that...along time ago.
   I'm working on my walk with God and we decided together that I wouldn't commit to anything until I felt His call...not some else's. I wouldn't look into being apart of worship, or volunteering until I was ready for it. I NEED to be served for a while. I NEED to just sit in the congregation and not worry about when I need to get up and sing again, how my throat feels and anything else that has, in the past, taken me away from listening to God speak.
   So, I'm not rushing...I'm taking my time and I'm loving it! God will let me know when its time...but right now its not!

Focus

   Funny thing about moving...your focus changes. Things that you used to not think about shift to the foreground and things that once consumed you yield there once lofty positions.

   I thought about that this weekend. I thought about all the things I used to wonder about, all the scenaros I would run through in my mind. All the daydreaming I did and I realized that not only do I not do those things, but when I tried to recall them, they were hard to even remember. Why, you may ask. Because they were my escape. A place in my mind where I could wander off to. Where I could escape whatever unhappiness I was living in in that moment. Now, that I've accomplished one of my biggest goals I no longer have to escape from unhappiness...because I am happy. Content in the life I'm starting to make for myself.

   My focus now isn't about the unknown life I wish I was living, but the unknown world that I'm excited to explore on my terms when I want, how I want. My focus is on.mu present and on my future. But as much.as I want to focus on my.life here I also need and want to focus on my walk with God...because without Him. I wouldn't even br here. So my focus is different, some moments its a bit overwhelming but for the rest of the time its amazingly wonderful. Guess this means I'm an adult now

Revamp!

   I've been thinking about what direction I want to take the blog in now that I've started a new chapter in my life. I came very close to closing this one out and starting complete fresh. The only reason I didn't actually do that is because I couldn't come up with a name I liked for it. After trying for about 2 days I gave up and decided that the best way to do something new is to revamp this place, not start all over.

   So slowly but surely I will start to change things around here. I am saying this expecting there to be big changes, but they'll probably end up being small ones that only I really care about or notice.
   Anyway, like I have changed, my story has changed and my thoughts have changed, so this place for my thoughts will change too.

   Until Next Time.

   ~m

  

The Neighbor

   I've had some very "different" neighbors...the sweet old lady, her drug selling son with baby mama drama, a guy who thought he was a movie start but really drove a semi for a living and finally a guy who painted his house a multitude of different colours and got beat up by his tenant. Yup, in my 20+ years in City Terrace I've had and experienced my share of neighbors. Some good, some bad, some annoying and some just weird. But, they all fail in comparison to the neighbor I now have in Ventura.
   Two weeks before I moved my little sister Danae and I went up to doing some cleaning and get a general feel for the place. Well, I had been told about the neighbor briefly and I didn't think twice about him. He was basically described as a kind old man who looks out for his neighbors and their property. I'm sure that's what most people see, but after that first (and only real) encounter I think I'll keep my distance.
   He heard us in the back patio and asked if we were Jennifer (the roommate) I said "No, I'm the new roommate" and we each walked out of our respective gates to the driveway. We introduced ourselves and he began to talk. One of the first things he said was that he had no problem with... and this is when he raised his arm and started rubbing it his skin with his other hand (indicating skin colour). I was instantly uncomfortable and Danae was instantly pissed! He then, after a few more not so P.C. words, turned his attention to Danae asking her if she was "brown" and saying he has no problem with brown people either because he married a Native American woman. At that point Danae excused herself from the conversation and went back into the house. I stood out there for what seemed like a VERY LONG TIME and listened to him talk about whatever popped into my mind and the only other thought I had besides how can I get away from him without being rude was, "I need to have a serious conversation with Jennifer about him". He totally creeped me out...he talked about the complex "sheriff" giving out tickets, the rash of thieving they had a few years back, how his brother helped build this complex, how strict they are about the trash cans  being put away...but he also talked about how he's gone through her (Jen's) mail. RED FLAG!
   Although I don't think he meant to be this way, the more he spoke the more creeped out I got. Finally, he made some comment about how he was using my park space and that Jennifer told him she was leaving her car somewhere else while she was on holiday. He tried to politely suggest I use her space instead of my own, so that he could continue his little arrangement. When I told him I had no knowledge of this her leaving her car elsewhere or him using my park space he just tried to push it more. At that point I just excused myself from the conversation and vowed never to be cornered by him again.
   I've only seen him twice since that day, once the day I moved in and once during the week. Both times I was on the move and didn't stop to be polite. And I really don't intend to, is that making me a bad neighbor? Maybe, but I don't really trust him and he makes me uncomfortable, and as a single woman who mainly is out of the house during the evening (darkness, it can't be helped it's the trains fault) I'm trying to stay away from people my gut tells me aren't okay. So if I am being a bad neighbor then so be it.
    I've always thought and wondered what it would be like to have a normal neighbor...I guess I'll never really know. At least, not anytime soon.