State of Nothing

It's hard to write when all you want to do is scream
it's hard to create when you feel you're not worth it
it's hard to use your voice when all you know is failure
it's hard...all of it is hard.

I never expected life to be easy
or its promises to be free
but I foolishly thought it would happen eventually
I was wrong

there's nothing but nothingness
no signs,
no hopes
no dreams
they are all lost in an abyss of nothing
waiting for a day to be plucked
but that day will never come

life isn't fair that's been made clear
life isn't easy, that's an understatement
life is just a series of events
from joy to pain and back again
it's hard to live when all you have is nothing

I can't create while watching as life slips by
my hands immobile
my fingers bare
my limbs unavailable to me
I am turning into the nothing around me

but I'm waiting...
for what I do not know,
I don't believe I'll get what I've been hoping for...
as my life slowly moves by
so do my words,
my thoughts
my voice
until, at last, I am nothing

maybe then I'll be happy

At the End of the Year

I've tried to keep hope alive
looked forward with hope that it would get easier.
I've had drawbacks and burdens...
I've been rocked and humbled.
But I've tried my best to keep my attitude positive and grateful

At the close of this year, I see...nothing.
Where this time last year I was full of hope, joy and excited nervousness
Now all I am is a ball of stress with nothing in front of me but more stress.

I didn't think this year would end this way.
I thought I'd be in a better place
I was soo wrong.
But that's how this year has been
My hope shattered repeatedly.
Everything I thought I'd been promised
wrong.
Everything I thought God was lining up for me
slowly picked away from me...before I could even reach out for it.
I'm here now waiting...on what?
I'm not sure, I guess God.
He told me to wait...what am I waiting for...
Maybe my hope to return...
Maybe my joy to bounce back
Maybe my stress to subside...or maybe just maybe
for all those things He promised me to pan out.
(I honestly don't think any of them will).

In a year from now I will look back and wonder...where ever I may be
I will wonder why...
but for now, I sit and wait looking back at all the hope and wonder I had for my future
all the happiness I just can't seem to find.
the stability I thought I'd have...

Nelson Madela

I will first like to plead ignorance.
It's not an excuse, it's just the truth.
I know about Mr. Mandela,
  his courage
  his journey
  the hope he gave his people
  and how he changed a nation and
  the world...

but that's all I know. that's all I can say I know...that's all I've got.

So to say I'm in mourning for this icon is about as just truthful as to say I've mourned Gandhi.
I am sadden by his passing, but from the the standpoint of what I am...a random stranger who heard his story after it happened.

The impact of his life is not lost on me, but it is foreign.
My first thought on his passing was to tweet.

"He left us an example, now it's our turn to pick up the torch and continue to carry it."

but that felt insincere, so I didn't tweet anything.
what I will say is this,

  he was an example of how to live with dignity, love and courage.
  he did not live an easy life...he took the hard, high road to teach us all something
  some learned, some didn't but he still held firm in who he was
  and for that, the world and all those in it, are better (even in the smallest way) for his presence in it.
  (kind of like someone else from history...you know, that guy Jesus).

I pray for Mr. Mandela's family...children, grandchildren. Those who he loved and who loved him.
I pray for a nation of people who mourn his loss, leadership and example and
I pray for this world impacted, not only by his life, but I suspect also, by his death.

Rest In Peace, Gentle Soul.
And from someone who knows very little Thank You!

m

Batkid...

  You hear about all the bad happening in the world and very few stories about the good. Well, today I'm overwhelmed by a good no, WONDERFUL story out of San Francisco. A little boy, in remission from a 4 year battle with leukemia, has his wish to be BATMAN granted! Make-A-Wish is behind all of it and with the help of the City of San Francisco, it's resident volunteers and also the Mayor, the Police Chief and one of the Big local newspaper's the city was transformed into Gotham City and the kid saved it throughout the day from his enemies who were up to no good.

   As, I read the story I started to cry, because it's rare when people come together to do something truly selfless. For people to come out and take their time...for a major city to to embrace a boy and make his dream come true...that's simply wonderful! It brings the things we argue about into a stark reality! Life is short, and the small things we burden ourselves with aren't really worth it in the end. Not when we all could be gone tomorrow...so why not give up on the the unnecessary and give into living a full life?

   The City, the volunteers, and the MAKE-A-WISH Foundation all deserve a standing ovation for bringing joy to this kid who has fought so hard to these short 4 years of life. I pray that he gets 80 more!


    For more info about this story


        http://gma.yahoo.com/batkids-wish-transforming-san-francisco-gotham-155349908--abc-news-topstories.html


         or go to Twitter and search #SFBatkid

Seasons...today

   This morning, one of my first thoughts as I set out on my morning train ride was the word SEASONS. Dropped into my brain like a fleeting little ladybug, it came and went before I could even really form a thought about it. Am I in a season (yes, duh)? At the beginning or end....or right smack in the middle? I'm not really sure, anything could be around the corner or off in the distance...it's not for me to know really. My train ride progressed as normal and I came into my office...listening to music something triggered another song in my head. "Seasons Change" By Crystal Lewis, I hummed it as I went to the Hillsong Connected Website only to stumble upon a blog that was talking about...you guess it...Seasons! Is God trying to tell me something or am I just grasping at straws?

   I'm starting to settle, I've felt stressed, defeated and stagnant in the last few months...but now I'm starting to feel like I'm settling into a place. Not fully comfortable, but acceptable. There are still things I want, still things that are being juggled and completely out of my control, but so much of life is...the only difference is I'm staring at these things while the balls are bouncing in the air waiting, with bated breath, to see if one will fall. I know God's in control and I know that this season...that feels never ending...will change. Sooner or later I'll be staring at something else trying to make decisions, satisfy curiosities and trying to keep my feet firm. That's how seasons are...to quote the song

    "Seasons change and then they pass,
      no way to know how long they'll last
      I'd love to know the reason why, but
      God Knows...Seasons Change"

   Yes, it's that simple...God knows and so, I don't need to worry. But I am curious, why today of all days am I being queued into the Season I'm in now? To enjoy it? To seek the new season or to rest in the knowledge that this one isn't over yet? Whatever the answer, my eyes, ears and heart are open now and I'm waiting intently to see what God is up to. I have HIGH HOPES...some of which I feel I'll have to wait longer for...but whatever and whenever that season comes I hope to be ready. And whatever or whenever the next season stumbles upon me I hope that I'm ready for it too.

   It may be harder, it may be lighter...but it's mine and whatever it brings I know that God will be in it with me...cause He knows...Seasons Change!

   Have a Wonderful Weekend!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Too Much Beauty to Doubt!

This is a photo of the Antennae Galaxies taken by the Hubble Telescope...

it's photos like this that remind me, even more, of God's awesomeness.

It's photos like this that make me question anyone who would ever question our Creator...the Creator of all things. How can you imagine, let alone believe, that something this spectacular, this beautiful and perfect can happen by random chance?

No, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is God in all HIS GLORY! He is showing us that He is the maker of all things and we are compelled to worship and stand in awe of Him.

 

Until Next Time!

~m

 

 

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gsfc/10870428143/

 

An Open Letter

   Please stop.
   Please stop saying to people that I will lose my voice because I'm not using it.
   Please stop because it makes you look ridiculous and makes me uneasy.
   Please stop because you don't know what you're talking about.
   Please stop cursing me and making me the bad person in your diluted movie...

   My voice, my talent is a gift from God, a gift which He saw fit to give me and which He may see fit to one day take away. If that were to ever happen then its something that He and I will have prepared for. It's not something that He will strip from me because I don't get up on a stage every Sunday and sing for the people like an entertainer or a monkey. I'm neither. I'm a girl who happens to have a talent, I'm a girl who chose to channel that talent at my church, instead of at a bar or on a corner. I'd think you'd at least be grateful for that small tidbit. That I wasn't trying to chase some far off dream of stardom only to be disappointed and unhappy in my life (like someone we both know). No, instead you're upset that I stopped singing because of your inability to continue to bask in a glory and praise that does not belong to you.
   You've found greater pleasure in the good reviews, compliments and pride you take from my talent than I ever will. You like me to sing because you have invested in it the only thing you can, your own feelings. Have you not ever wondered why I stopped singing in the first place? I don't think you have, because you've never asked me why I walked away. I'm sure you've come up with some far fetched reasoning...but the truth is you don't know because you've never cared enough to ask. So let me enlighten you. My talent became my burden, it became an unwanted friend and a task I was not only ill prepared to handle, but too immature to fully grasp. My talent (being cultivated by those, like you, who like to hear the praise) was becoming my downfall and I was unhappy in that state. I was given a long awaited way out and I took it.
   At 19, I didn't know what real worship was. I knew I liked to sing, I was given an opportunity to sing and did so...but singing and leading worship are two very different things. To be put up on a stage every Sunday for years, like a performing Monkey, was at first wonderful, but because my head and heart were in two different places became toxic. How can I help to lead people to worship when I didn't know which way I was going? I felt a fraud was being committed and I didn't want to be apart of it anymore. So, when the opportunity came I took it. I've never regretted that step. No, because I started to fall...deeper and deeper. I fell farther and farther from God and if I had been in a place of "leading" it would have been terrible. I could not honestly stand in front of the congregation and sing praises to God when all I wanted to do was yell at God. I don't want to be inauthentic, not in life, not in worship. So it was best for me to walk and I will never regret or second guess that.
   After a year I was open to sing again...(meaning my schedule would permit it) but my heart, would not allow it. I was still not in a place I'd call spiritually healthy and therefore would not allow myself to get up and lead. Time moved on and you continued to badger me about singing, never asking why I wasn't, just demanding that I do it. I never did. I made a promise to myself to be right with God before I got up to lead his flock. Years came a went and I sat...questions from others came a went and I sat. I began to occasionally sing, as an emergency option (just to help out), but it wasn't a serious commitment. Still you asked and still I sat. Did I miss it? Yes, but not in the way you'd think or hope for. I missed using my voice, but not to received praise for it...I missed the feeling of hitting a note I wasn't confident in, but not because I pulled it off...but because God pulled me through. Once I began to understand what true worship is I began to feel uncomfortable with the attention and praise because it wasn't my attention or praise, it was God's. You however, love the attention my talent brings to you and therefore lament to anyone who will listen that you don't understand why I don't use it, then go on to say I'll lose it.
   I am in a good place, I'm in a church I adore and I'm growing in my relationship with God. I'm not singing. I'm not singing because I'm still not yet in a place where I feel comfortable standing on the stage leading. I've talked to God about it and He's standing firm with me. I may never be apart of another worship team, I'm okay with that. He may see fit for my voice to be used in other ways, that's His decision and my path to follow. But, I suspect, that even if I was apart of the worship at my new home, you'd still be upset because I wasn't where you are...because it doesn't really much matter to you if I'm singing, what matters to you is the praise that rains down from the people who hear me sing. They come to you because you like it and I deflect it.
   My voice is God's tool, God's instrument and God's gift. It's merely my talent...one He saw fit to give me. I will use it as He sees fit, but I will not use it just for praise, especially when spiritually I'm not completely healed from being so deeply broken. That's it...the reason I am writing this to you...it's not that you choose to curse me with your words to those who mean very little...but that you've never stopped to think where is my child spiritually that she'd give up on the talent God gave her? No, you've never thought about that....you've never asked or cared. You've also never asked yourself if God is using this to find and develop any other talents I may have that were overshadowed by that one...why would you? Because any other talent wouldn't give you the praise the this one gives you.
   I could go on and on, but I'll finish it here. I'm not resentful or angry. I'm sad, but that's nothing new. Our whole relationship is based on your doing, saying or thinking something and me being sad that you never actually asked or listened to my truth of it. Like all things that concern me deeply, I've written this out and can now move on something else. One day you may read this and understand me. But, I don't hold out hope for that...because it doesn't interest you. It's easier to believe something that's wrong than it is to know the truth.

   Until Next Time.

Sometimes your Friends are Right

   Years ago I was lamenting to a friend about my relationship with my mom and how it was really hard to deal with her when we'd go places like the mall. My friend (I really wish I could remember who it was) said things would be different when I moved out. I didn't believe her, because I couldn't see past the circumstance and situation I was in at that moment and I didn't have any genuine faith that I'd someday be able to put any distance between myself and my mother. Even in the last 6 months I've moved yes, but I work with her everyday and everyday I am stuck in a place that I feel is holding me in. It's difficult, to say the least, to think about having some sort of life where I am fully removed from my parents. I think most people would tell me to enjoy this stage where I'm out of the house, but still completely connected everyday. I am trying to, but it's been hard.
   Fast forward to last weekend. My mom and my Grandma came up to visit me! It's a small miracle because I didn't really expect either one of them to show up but they both did. We proceeded to have a wonderful day together. Shopping and lunch filled with laughter and love. It was really nice and I realized in the middle of it that this was some very different. It was the exact thing my friend was telling me about I could enjoy myself because I wasn't burdened by always being surrounded. It gave me something I didn't expect...an aspect of life I haven't fully gathered since I moved...which is peace.

    It seems there's always something I'm worrying about...I know I need to be at peace, but I'm always wondering and stressing about something or other. Last weekend helped me to see that I need to be at peace with the decisions I make (good or bad) and what life is now. An unbelievable joy! Sometimes overwhelming, sometimes underwhelming...but either way it's a joy and a blessing.

   It was good, it was fun and it was peaceful. I look forward to more weekends like it.

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

on negative emotions...

   they are like clouds that pass across the sun...

                                                      ~Tom Hiddleston



I don't know why, but I thought that this was beautiful...so I wanted to share it!

Miss America...

  Let me first say this...the fact that we have a Miss America pageant that only features women from the US is ridiculous. I mean considering America is made up of many countries...it's dumb to excluded everyone else and call it MISS AMERICA, but that's just my opinion. What I really want to talk about has less to do with the pageant and more to do with the state of the country I live in.
  The US I grew up in celebrated being a melting pot society. We liked being seen as the place where people from all over the world would come to live "the American Dream". In fact, it's something that has been bragged about for at least a century. But somewhere in the last 10 years that has taken a backseat, moving to the forefront has been the ugly side of the country. The intolerant, racist, hate-filled part of the country that doesn't want the melting pot to continue...at least not the part that features brown people.
   I'll go out on a limb and say it started after 9/11 anyone brown was considered Muslim and therefore an enemy of the state (except Mexicans, that's another story). I've heard of so many non-Muslims being targeted by racism just because they happen to look like someone who may come from the Middle East. Now, it's coming out in the form of racist remarks being lodged at the newly crowned Miss America.
   Her name is Nina Davuluri, she is from Syracuse, New York and is of Indian descent, but upon her winning she was instantly and repeatedly insulted by people saying she's not American. Why...because she's brown and not a Christian. Born and raised in New York state...how is that NOT American? Is it because she was first generation? Everyone except pure blooded Native (I really hate usually that word) Americans are the only ones who can say their family has never had a first generation (but even that can be left up to debate). So why take out this faux anger on this woman, who will use this money she won for medical school?
   It seems that some people in this country would rather have the Honey Boos and Mama Junes of this country represent us than a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken brown woman...and those people confuse me deeply, but it speaks to a broader and deeper puzzle in the US. One that needs to be spoken about and debated but no one on either side is willing to actually listen...so we continue to have these types of issues because we are afraid to combat them head on.
   I, personally, am glad to have a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken woman, no matter her color or background represent me as a citizen of the US!

   Congratulations Nina!

Glimpses

  a life I never wanted
  a prison term I didn't deserve
  I asked for it not to be
  then satisfied, walked away

  suddenly one day, I caught a    glimpse of what could be
  my fears melted away

  I began to imagine, to dream
  of what that life might be
  my dreams turned to longing
  a need so natural my reservations surrendered
  without a fight

  now I sit
  on the cusp of an adventure I did not want,
  one that I ran from and rejected,
  with a light heart, willing spirit
  and excitement surging me forward

  all changed
  all became clear, real and easy
  after one small
  glimpse
 

Audacious Hope

  As of late I've been looking around me...seeing the things that God has opened my eyes to and trying to understand their meaning in my life. One of the things I've come to understand is that my faith isn't strong enough. I don't ask God for enough...when I was young I would ask God for the things that young people ask for. I remember asking God for my family to win the lottery. It didn't happen, that wasn't in His plans for me/us. I asked for other things over those young years and eventually (after none came true) I was taught that God doesn't grant those types of prayers. I was taught that I should keep my prayers to the most urgent and that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much for the things that aren't already in Gods plan for my life.
   So I've lived my life asking God for the bare minium or the urgent. There are things that I've prayed for, but those prayers haven't come to be, so my hope has waned. It's not strong because I haven't pushed it, I haven't asked God for the wildest, most spectacular, overwhelming things I can think of. Because I've never hoped that those things are meant for me. To me, if I wanted those things I had to make them happen myself because God was too busy doing other things, more important things...things that weren't for me, to take notice of what I was asking for.
   But that's not true and I'm doing both myself and God a disservice by not asking for the ridiculously big things...for not having the hope that those things will happen. If they aren't what God wants for me, He'll give me something better. If God doesn't mean for me to have those things then He'll give me that understanding...but if He does and is just waiting for me to ask then why am I waiting? Why am I keeping these things private and to myself? Why haven't I stood up and said God this is what I want...its such a big bold thing, its so awesome that my brain can't fathom it...but you see it as a small simple thing? Why haven't I been brave enough to ask for it and see what he says?
   So, I'm going to have hope and ask for the big things...for the things so big I've never believed they'd ever see the light of day, then I will hope and believe AUDACIOUSLY for God to bless me in these things. That, it seems, is the only way to live!

   Until Next Time.
   ~m
  

So many things...

  it's funny, I have lots of things I'd like to write about. Many many things running through my mind...but the minute I log on they all vanish from my mind...then not only can I not form a post, but I can't even remember what I wanted to write about in the first place.

  It literally just happened again as I started to type...so this is what is coming through...this is the only thing I can think of. I know that I have a number of things I want to say and share, but I just don't know why I can't get them out. I guess I have to take some time to formulate how I want to say what I want to say before I can log back on and share my thoughts.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Left a Bad Taste

   My favorite television shows of all time are A.L.I.A.S., Star Trek: The Next Generation and Sons of Anarchy. Only one of these is still airing new episodes...Sons

   I wait patiently all Spring and Summer for my Fall full of Outlaw Bikers, Guns, Good Music and moments that make me say WOW with excitement. I've been obsessed with the show since the Summer before its second season aired (missed the first season due to weird cable seasons, but caught it via Internet and reruns). I love the all the characters, even the ones I can't stand and I re-watch each episode at least twice before the next one airs...but not this time.
  For the first time in 5 seasons I thought I may have to love this show up. Last nights premiere episode was disturbing on many levels. I won't go into specific details but 2 rapes (shown), 1 implied and a mass school shooting by a child. I understand upping the ante, its done every year, but I wasn't prepared for any of what I saw.
  Yes the show is violent. Yes the show is brutal. Yes the show is offensive, sexual and over the top...but those things never bothered me before. I was emotionally venerable from the start and by the end I just didn't know if I could deal. I was live tweeting under the #SonsofAnarchy hashtag and at the end of the episode I was surprised at how many people (women) were upset about the main character cheating on his wife rather than a child (of about 11) walking into his school with a semi automatic riffle and opening fire! I was disgusted...I put the pieces together and understand how this act fits in with the overarching story, but the writers jumped WAY over the line.
  My WOW at the scene wasn't one of excitement, it was one of disbelief. I am usually one of those people who says if you don't like it don't watch it. And if I wasn't so invested I would turn my back...its not that I don't like the show or where this story may go...it that I'm disappointed in the writers choosing to use this as a means to further their story. Called me a hypocrite, say I should keep my opinion to myself that's fine...but I think Sutter (the shows Creator/Executive Producer) used this situation to prove a point to the media and country about gun violence and television as a direct response to the blame for Newtown being placed on shows like SOA. Its his point and message...but in my opinion its a cheap way to do it.
  I have a full week before I really have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue with this show I love or move on to something else. But at this point, I'm not sure I have a choice...

Happiness

  Yesterday morning I was sitting on the train when a foreign, yet comforting thought popped into my mind.
 
  I'm happy...

  After a giant row with God over this very subject and me just coming to the conclusion that there was no use in throwing a tantrum, I decided to just let go and let God. Its been difficult, but I've discovered some things and have be shown others. Those small things have made a big impression and have allowed me to put some of my issues to the side. Instead of focusing on things I cannot change...I need to focus on what's important my relationship with God.
  I now know I need to sit back and embrace the train rides, the getting up early and working at my job because that's where God wants me to be. So instead of getting up and hating life I need to get up and be thankful for the life I have. I also need to let go of the worry I have over whether or not my job will become permanent. God wants me there, so whether that means I'm never made permanent or if I'm made permanent today I need not worry because God will take care of me.

  Charlotte York from Sex and the City is my spirit animal...so its only fitting that the first thing I thought of upon my realization that I was happy was a quote of hers. In the first SatC film Samantha asks the girls how often they are happy in their relationships. Charlotte says Everyday. When pressed she clarifies..."not all day everyday...but Everyday". The first time I heard it I knew it was a big answer, most people wouldn't answer that way because most don't look at all the good things in life, they only focus on the bad. I'm learning to focus on the good things in my life, when I do that, when I see that overall I've had more blessings than heartaches and more joy than disappointments. It puts it all into prospective and makes me question why I would ever be unhappy. 
  I am product of a society that tells me that if I don't look a certain way, have certain things, lots of money and I'm an unmarried mid-30something woman I must be unhappy because I don't have anything to be happy about. Also, for the most part, I've spent my life surrounded by unhappy people who've done nothing but try to make me as unhappy as they are, so I'm predisposed to be unhappy. But as I look around I see that I have too many good things in my life to be unhappy.
  To know that in the basic small taken-for-granted things in life I am abundantly blessed makes me happy. Because despite the wiring of society I know those things are enough...more than enough. I am blessed just by the country, state, city I live in. So instead of focusing on the "problems" I have I need to focus on the blessings and then I will be happy everyday. But because of the curve balls life throws it may not be all day everyday, but it will be everyday.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Just One

  Along time ago I decided to work with kids.
  When I made that decision my goal was to make a good impact.
  To be a good example to one it didn't matter if I ever knew the impact I made...
  I just wanted God to use me to help a kid know something good.
  That was always my guiding philosophy while working with kids.
  I didn't want to destroy anyone's self-esteem or hurt anyone.
  I wanted to be the type of example I've had, someone a kid could lean on and talk to if needed.
  I hoped and prayed that God would use me to this end.
  I didn't care if he ever showed me the impact I made...
  I was assured that He would use me how and when he needed.
  I know that I've had a lot of misses.
  I wasn't always the nicest caringest person,
  I could be downright mean sometimes,
  but I tried my best everyday to be what I God needed me to be and to provide what He needed me to.
  
  I haven't thought about that in a while.
  I'm working in a law firm, with adults.
  I'm not working with kids in any way right now,
  so those priorities of the past haven't been on my mind or in my thoughts lately.
  This morning however, that changed.
  I had an Instagram message from a former student
  a girl I watched grow into a Christ-centered young woman with great things ahead of her!
  She posted a photo of a book she's reading and tagged me in the caption.
  I won't tell you what it said, but I will tell you that it was a wonderful surprise.
  It touched my heart and let me know that my goal to impact at least one was fulfilled.
  It felt good!

  I am blessed!

Writer's Block...

 I've been trying to write a blog post for an hour...

 I attempted different topics and different techniques...

 but still, I've got nothin!

Is it that simple?

  i've been feeling light on my feet today...i felt that way all day yesterday as well. but today i started to think about how my outlook and my inner feelings have shifted from anger, bitterness and sadness to....dare i say, happiness? i've been thinking about it, trying to process it all since i arrived at work this morning and i think i've finally discovered what it is. i'm at peace, settled and though i don't know how all things are going to work themselves out, i do know that everything will be fine.
   as of the last couple of weeks i've just been feeling hopeless. i didn't know what to do with myself and where i was going to end up. i felt like God wasn't offering anything but more tasks for me to complete and hoops for me to jump through. i was truly at wits end! looking back at it, it may have had a lot to do with the circumstances that i've put myself in over the last month. they just made me jumpy and irritable, but it also had a lot to do with my mindset. i focus on the negative and overlook all the good things i've got going on. the uncertainty of my job and the frustration caused by my roommate have also added to my mindset(not in a good way). so i've just been a grump.
   i'm not sure when but sometime over the last week i decided to change my mindset, to try to be more positive and not worry (or over analyse) the small things because that just makes me crazy. i decided that if God was asking/telling me to do something i needed to stop fighting it and figure out a way to do it. that's where it started...with a simple decision about what i needed to do.
   then this weekend arrived...busy and happy and i enjoyed every piece of it, then it ended the way i wanted it to with me spending my birthday alone without drama! yesterday arrived, back to work and I received surprises from people i didn't expect surprises from. i had a wonderful day and felt loved. i'm carrying the happiness from yesterday into today. but that's not the complete reason i feel this way.
   i spoke to Maria as i ate lunch yesterday, earlier in the day i told her i felt that God was telling me that this is the job He wants me at and that i need to just settle in and work the way i have been. and that i need to accept it. she went on to tell me that God told her a little more about my work life and where i'd end up. to her it was unexpected (i think), but when she said it to me it was a confirmation of something God already told me.
   i, like most, want to know everything. i don't want to walk out on a limb blindly searching and stepping...i want to know what the path is and i, in my best whiny baby voice, ask God regularly to show me what's coming. then i get mad when He doesn't. that happened in this case. He showed me something 6 to 8 weeks ago and i just thought i was over thinking, i thought it was me daydreaming and longing for something i wouldn't have (i even prayed that God take it away from it wasn't from Him). turns out, it really was Him. that's why i'm in this place and head space, because i have been shown a glimpse of where God is leading me. it's a place i wouldn't expect, but it's a place i feel He's getting me ready for. and because of that, i can rest easy. i can move smoothly and know that even if the roommate is irritating, even if the job is uncertain and the commute is long, that these are the things i need to endure in order for me to be who/what/where he needs me to be before i move on to the next steps in life.
   until next time,
   ~m

Never Thought of that Before...

   I was reading the Fat Mum Slim blog this morning and came across her post about what's in her camera bag. Which linked two different photographers. I went on and browsed both of their blogs and found something interesting. One of the photographers, in her search for motivation to get back in using film again, went to a photography seminar...a what? I've always thought about taking a class or two, but a seminar? I never actually knew they existed. Her post sparked my curiosity so I went to the site of the workshop she attended, just to see how much it would cost and if there was one in my area. There is one in LA...but unfortunately it is WAAAYYYYY out of my price range. Although you're learning from a great photographer (by the blogger's account) and you are provided with 2 meals a day, a professional booklet and CD of your photos and many other "perks" it's still a load of money I do not have to spare. Even though that particular workshop is not something I can look forward to, I'm sure there are others that I may be able to attend and learn at.

   I'll keep looking and hopefully I'll find some a little more in my price range soon. I'm getting excited about it all again and I'd really like to learn some things in a hands on way from someone who does it professionally and knows what they are talking about! Wish me luck

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

  
    Also, in my hunt for photography workshops I continued my search for a better camera bag...and I've struck gold! It's not a bag, but it is a how to on how to make inserts for a bag. That way I can use a bag I already have or one that I buy and then I can make an insert to fit in with as many compartments as I need. Awesomeness

but it's August!

   Call me crazy, but I feel the need to declare some New Year resolutions...I know it's August, but seeing as my birthday is in a few days, it's a New Year for me. So I'm going to buck convention and make some...here we go.

1. Take more pictures
2. Do the things I commit to (stop flaking)
3. Be on Time (or early for some things)
4. Stick to a budget
5. Cook
6. Let go of things that are not working
7. Invest in my relationships
8. Stop over thinking everything
9. Start seeing the world with the glass half full
10. Spend time with God
11. Start doing yoga again

   These are in no means in any specific order...they are just listed the way my fingers typed them out. I'm sure the list will grow, but for now these are the things I'm feeling I need to put into practice the most. The things I need to invest in. So we will see how this all shakes out!

   Until Next Time!
   ~m

  

   August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Bright Ligther Look

So I decided to change the look of my blog.
I've wanted to do it for a while, but couldn't pick anything.
I decided to just pick the one I really like, no matter if it was my "style" or not.
This is what I landed on...and I like it!
Hopefully you will too...

I wanted the change because the blog was too dark,
it represented me when I first changed it to the black, pink and green a few years back
when I was trying to be sort of emo
but I'm in a different place and I want to be lighter and freer...so I picked this.

I feel good about it, like it's the start of good things to come!

Until Next Time!

~m

  I'm going to read through some of my blog.
  It's going to be hard, but it's something I've been meaning to do for a while.
  I am writing this blog not only to get out my thoughts on life, but also as a journal.
  I want to see where I've come from in my writings...may be from there I can see where I'm going.

Healing a Friendship

   I had a friendship, years ago the friendship ended because I was slighted. I was more than justified in several different ways to upset, hurt and ultimately done with the friendship. Over the past few years it's been a bit of a laugh to see that the person I am not friends with is a bit of a stalker. And that even after I blatantly refused her attempt at rekindling our friendship she is still, in her own way, trying to get to me. The circumstances of the demise of our friendship don't matter...what does is the fact that I just couldn't carry on having a friendship with someone who wouldn't take the time to see that I was hurt and apologize for the hurt they caused. When I simply stated in as articulate a way as I could how upset I was, she turned it into a woe-is-me party and told people we both knew lies about me. Basically turning a group of people against me because she couldn't be bothered to not only keep it between us, but to tell the truth of the matter.
    There have been a few emails exchanged between us over the years, each time I have told the truth of how I feel and tried to move on, but whenever I turn my head there she is. That's fine...I don't have a problem with her truly...I understand where she comes from and as sad as I once was about the end of our friendship, I now know that it was for the best.
    The other day I was told that she has been praying that we may reestablish our friendship and begin speaking again. I dismissed this notion, but  eventually started to think about how that was reflecting on me. Aren't we called to forgive? Yes! Isn't this staunch stance against her causing me emotional distress while she lives her life? Yes, I'm the only one I'm hurting. Not forgiving her, whether she apologizes or not(she won't because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong) is not helping me, it's only hurting me. So why don't I just forgive her? Well, I have! I forgive her for treating me like I was not her friend, for turning people against me with lies and for ultimately disregarding my feelings with her selfishness. I'm done with holding a grudge over someone who doesn't deserve that much of my time.
     So I forgive you Debbie! And I release this pressure I have held onto to be mad at you. It's over, I'm done...it's not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy. I hope and pray that you're life, marriage and family are blessed everyday! May God be with you...always a comfort and support.

     As I walk away from this grudge, I begin once more to move on to something better. Does this forgiveness mean I want to have a renewed friendship with her? NO, the trust we once had is gone, the support I thought we had for one another is no more and those things aren't coming back anytime soon. So, I walk on with a clear conscience and a blessing...but the Friendship we once had, will never be again.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Stop Complaining

  I just read a good blog post over at Jonacuff.com it was about complaining and the need to stop it. This is something I've been trying to work on for a few months. Stop complaining about the things I can't control and just let them play out and see where I land when the dust settles. In some areas it's been easy, but in others its been downright impossible!
  I know that my complaints aren't going to change anything, I also know that people don't really want to hear them, so I try to keep them to myself (and I guess this blog) but still it's complaining...and silently my complaints are direct prayers to God. I'm complaining about people and things and I just need to stop it.
   The need to stop complaining, like most things, won't change the world. It will only change me and how I see, live and interact in the world around me. If I stop complaining or stop looking for things to complain about then I can stop being so negative about the world. And start looking at things in a healthy and positive way.
   It'll definitely cut back on the woe is me/world is against me attitude that I learned from my father! So, I guess that's my new thing...

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Just...ugh

   There are just some things I will never understand...
   one is how people can't use the common sense God gave them. My mom would say that God doesn't give people common sense, that people have to learn it and are taught it by their parents. Well, in that case, those parents have failed, but I don't really believe that. I don't think God makes stupid...yes, some grow up ignorant to things and still, some are just clueless because they never take the time to look around them. But common sense has to be part of the brain God gives us. For him not to add it just seems unfair. So that brings me back to my conundrum. Why don't people use common sense?!?

    I've been living at my place since February, I don't get mail there, because I haven't changed my info, but since my old info is my parents house I really haven't been in a rush to do it. However, I got a card from a friend the other day (not sure what day though). She asked me where she should send it and I told her to send it to my house...knowing that I probably wouldn't get it from my parents for a month or so. So she did, she sent it and yesterday asked if I received it yet...worried that she didn't have the right address. I hadn't, but I told her it was probably at my house.
   When I came in and asked my roommate about it she said I didn't get anything. While talking to her I saw my friends name on a partially covered envelope sitting on the table. I asked if that was mine and my roommate said no...so I pulled it out from the bottom of the pile. Said, yes it's mine that's my name, to which she replied with a blank look on her face. Then a oh, I didn't know that was your last name. What?!?! I've been living with you for almost 6 months, you don't know my last name? She goes on to say she called the HOA to ask if there's someone by that name in the office. When they said no, she just...I don't know decided to keep it? Instead of asking me? I mean it had my first name (well only half of my first name, but still Mel...from Melanie is a pretty clear indication that it might be mine) and it came from Los Angeles, so why wouldn't she ask.
   Now, thinking about on it, as I reached for the card she walked over in a very defensive way, like she didn't want me to have the card...which is also weird. Maybe she didn't, maybe she was holding on to it for a specific reason that she didn't want me to know about. Maybe she was going to keep it and open it then later give it to me and say she didn't realize it wasn't hers until too late. I don't know, but the whole situation was weird and adds to the pile that tells me I'm in a bad place....but still brings me back to my question...
 
   Where is the common sense and the use of it?

   If that was me, the FIRST person I would have asked was my roommate! I wouldn't have called the HOA or held onto it...you ask the person you live with first and then, if it's not theirs, you send it back. Why hold it and not only that, but hold it under a pile of items? Why not just stick it straight back into the mail box and put the little red stick up? Because, I guess, the common sense didn't kick in and say hey this might belong to the other person in the house! It's frustrating...but I'm stuck and I guess I just have to keep my eyes open and stop trying to over-analyze why things are the way they are!

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Life's Roller Coaster...

but one of those dark indoor ones!
 
Just when I thought I was finally going to get my bearings, when things were going to level out for a while a curve slammed me off balance and a drop knocked the breath from my lungs.
Now, as my roller coaster car enters a phrase of uphill struggle all I can do is sit back and wonder how far the fall will be. Because I know there will be a fall, some curves and more uphill battles in my future...nothing on my roller coaster is easy, because my life doesn't work like that.

Revamping Life...

   I told myself (and you) that I was going on a spiritual journey of self discovery...yeah, as I was sitting here writing a different post I began thinking about this journey. This journey I thought I should be on because I thought that's where God wanted me to be. I'm starting to realize that all those things I thought He was saying were me trying to fit into a space I cannot fit into.

   See I was thinking that I need to change myself to fit God....that somehow this person who's sitting here writing this blog isn't good enough. But that's not what God was saying. He wasn't saying "You're not good enough" He was saying "I don't need you to change before you come to me, I need you to come to me and in simply doing that you'll be changed". But because I didn't pick up on that simple request I went about trying to "find and change myself" when all I had to do was pick up my bible and pray.

   That spiritual journey I was trying to force myself into taking isn't a grand trip for a short time...it's a steady everyday of life type of thing...and all I need to do is show up with my bible...my journey and my heart. God's already sitting there waiting for me and by simply spending time with Him the changed will come without me even knowing it.

   Until Next Time...
   ~m

Time to Sit Back and Relax

 This morning while driving to work (yes driving, I'm in the midst of an awkward two weeks of house-sitting). I switched the radio to the country station and heard a song that I hadn't heard in a very long time. Really, haven't listened to much radio nor I have listened to any country music since I moved. I realized in that moment that I miss it. There's something about country music for me. There's an all encompassing, engulfing feeling that comes over me when I'm listening to good country music. It feels like it's just me and the music in a bubble and the world disappears. It's like I'm living (or seeing) the story the song is telling and there's always a story in country music. As the song continued to play feeling of that bubble quickly faded (only because I had to concentrate to get on the freeway). Still, hours later, I feel a trace of that country bubble...and it's got me thinking.
  One of the quirky things about me is that I'm not typical. To most people I'm slightly off-center. The black girl who doesn't listen to rap but loves country music and would rather live in a suburb than the city. That's me...with a bunch of other slightly off things to go with those two...but some how I'm starting to lose it.
  In my move to Ventura I started a quest to find myself...it's been quite a trip. Filled with long train rides and short weekends. Frustration over not having enough money and having a needy co-dependant set of roommates. The last few months have been a challenge and although I was prepared for a challenge, my way of dealing with it was trying to find something better than I already am. Trying to change myself to fit into a mold I was also trying to create. Don't get me wrong, I do think that I should improve myself and start to change the things I don't like about myself...but in the process of trying to do those things I've derailed from the things that make me me. I've shut myself off and it's time to turn myself back on. I can blame this on several things, but there's no point. So I'll say this, it's time for me to take a break from over analyzing the world and people around me and especially myself. It's time to relax sit back and get back to the Melanie I was before. The content and happy person who listened to music, wrote and dreamt of what life in Ventura would be like.
   I'm in Ventura and I'm not living the life I want. I'm still holding back ,maybe that's my nature, but I dreamt for too long to give up now that I'm here. I need to stop trying to fix things and just allow life to happen...and I need to find me again. Then, once I find me I need to center myself and adjust to life in a way that will help me to grow more into myself and not away from myself.

  

Never Fails...

 At this point in our relationship and in my life I know that my Mexican Mom, Maria, has insight on another level. Some of it is life experience, some is common sense...but then there's some that's just, from God. Normally, when I have something pressing on my heart and I need direction I ask her for advice or I ask her to pray for me. Her words never fail to either encourage the feelings or diminish them.
  You could say I give her too much credit that I should be relying more on God, but I do. In a lot of ways she says the things out loud that God's been whispering in my ear...but my brain is too noisy to hear it. That is exactly what happened the other day...
  A few weeks ago, I started to feel my heart opening up and my eyes looking in a direction I'd never looked at before, in fact, it's a direction I told God I didn't want to go in. Slowing this feeling became a longing and I found myself seriously considering things with it in mind. I asked Maria to pray for me...I didn't give her the specifics of it, but I know how she prays and knew it would be covered. I don't think I really got an answer from God then. I think he was allowing it to simmer in my mind and heart so that I'd be ready for it, if it does happen. Then, the other day, sitting in Maria's living room she made a comment about a totally different subject that nailed it all together. It was her mouth, but God's words. It was something only I would pick up on and something only I would truly understand. And God, true to form, knew my heart was ready to accept it and not fight it anymore.
  Could I be reading too much into it. Yes, but like I said, I know Maria. I know my relationship with her and my relationship with God and I know He uses her to get to me when I don't necessarily want to hear it from Him.
  One day I'll show her this post and she'll ask me what she confirmed and I'll tell her. It will just add another layer to the chapter of our relationship, the trust we've built. I'm sure between now and then there will be more words of wisdom and more words from God. But for right now I'm going to marvel at God and how well He works!

  It's like He know what He's doing!
 
  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Princess Tiana, Image of a Princess

   When Disney announced they were making a movie called the Princess and the Frog and it's main character would be Black a funny thing happened. A silent sound of joy came from the gut of every black girl (and her mother) who ever watched a Disney Princess movie. Its a territory we never ventured into before and I, didn't think we'd ever find ourselves in. Years later, when the marketing campaign started and merchandise started to pop up in stores, my mom told me (very seriously) that she wished they made Princess Tiana sheets in my size (Queen Size bed) because she'd buy me a full set. And I would have used them...a lot! I was 30 at the time and to most, if not all, people that exchange between mother and adult daughter would seem weird, but that's the power of image, especially in a country where the color of ones skin is still a big deal.
   I grew up watching Disney Princess movies...my favorite is Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora. I was seduced by the idea that I was enchanted and that some day a Prince would brave a dragon for me. As much as I've grown out of that thinking (or not) the fact remained, My favorite Princess was blonde with Blue eyes. Something, even if I found a Prince to brave a dragon, I'd never be. But Tiana...to look at her and see a version of me and members of my family was something special. Also, she wasn't some damsel in distress, she was spunky and trying her best to get to her dream. Fighting to make a better life for her and her mother. She just happened to stumble upon her Prince. Even then she wasn't interested, a bonus in my opinion.
   The year after black parents could point to a family other than the Cosby's for their children to look up to we got a movie that told young (and not so young) black girls that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and worthy. An image that we had never really seen before. It was a very special and humbling moment in history.
   Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because a few months back I found the above photo on Tumblr. I wanted to do a post on it then, but forgot and when I recently found it again I decided it was time. See, the first photo (which I wish I still had, but I threw it away in anger) of the park character "Princess Tiana" was not only a disappointment, but flat out enraging. Because the woman dressed in Tiana glory, was not black. If she was, she was very very light skinned, which does not match the depiction of Tiana at all! But to me, she look very Caucasian and I was very upset about it. I've worked at Disney, I've seen them march Princesses out in front of the guests with clearly ladies playing Princesses that are not the same nationality or race. For example, one day a mother walked over to me and my co-workers to complain that her daughter looked up to Jasmine, as the only "brown" Princess Jasmine was who this little girl saw in the mirror...and the person playing the Jasmine character was in fact, not brown. Her daugther, who was so excited to see her favorite burst into tears, and sat sobbing because what she saw before her wasn't who she thought it would be. I've also walked out to do a double take upon seeing Mulan who's face character was being played by a non-Chinese (or any Asian) girl. I was dumb founded and pretty sadden...because she was in "white face" (I don't know what else to called it). Her eyes and make up where done to look Chinese, but clearly she was not. I get it, the Disney face characters are hard to cast, because you have to be able to play more than one character, you have to be of a certain height and weight and you have to have perfect teeth, skin and features...yes it's hard, but Disney....LOOK HARDER! Because of this it's rare to find Mulan, Pochantas, Jasmine and Tiana walking around the parks. And if you do, more than likely she's being played by someone of a different race.
   Anyway, back to Tiana...the first photo I saw of her was a white girl in Tiana gear and I was upset...because I knew that one day soon a little black girl would walk into the park hoping to see Tiana...her Princess, standing there waiting to hug her and give her an autograph only to be disappointed and confused by the face staring back at her. Instead of having her dream/fantasy realized she'd be confronted with the "You aren't good enough" argument way to young to understand it. This picture above, unlike the first, gave me hope that Disney would get it right. That one day I'd be able to walk into the park and show my daughter not just her Princess but all of the Princesses of Color. That she'd know that she is a Princess and she's special...whatever she looks like or wherever she comes from. That she is worthy and beautiful and good enough.
   Maybe I'm putting too much stock into Princesses...and maybe someone will think I'm crazy, but for me the issue is real. For me the culture, the stereotype is real. And even the smallest little things...like a Black Disney Princess for little girls (of all colors) to look up to is a very special and very BIG DEAL!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

My World View is lacking

  I've grown up in the church, I've gone to church off and on for most of my life and from 19 to 29 I went every Sunday...every Saturday and at least once during the week. But my view of church and the body of Christ has been very limited. I've never really had a world view of the church. I mean, sure I knew that my denomination was active in other parts of the world. I knew that my church itself had an orphanage in the Sudan and as a teenager I actually took part in a fundraiser for world hunger. But still ,my world view was very narrow, very self absorbed. Not just about me, but for my church. I didn't think of other churches, most of them didn't come into my thoughts, even to pray for them. But I think that's because it wasn't something that was pushed or preached out. We occasionally partnered with another church, but it was very rare and didn't last very long.
  When I was a small kid, I only went to church on the big holidays. Then, once we moved closer, I went to church all the time with my aunt. I saw my mom read our big King James Bible, but I never heard that we should read our bibles outside of church. It wasn't something the church preached. To me, church (or God) was something we did on Sundays and the rest of the week we just did our own thing. I went to a Christian school from 5th to 9th grades, but even then the bible was only something I read for school. It wasn't until my early twenties that I REALLY understood that I should be in the bible daily and that church wasn't just a Sunday thing. That our walk, our relationship with God, was an everyday thing and church was a bonus (and maybe that's not the right wording, but work with me). So now although I've heard and in a way experienced some of the "outside" world of church, most of my Christian walk has been very segregated and held within a bubble. I tend to gravitate toward diverse churches, but still never really thought about the big worldwide church as a whole with my little church being apart of it.
   This started to fester in me a couple weeks ago. The pastor at my new church introduced us to some friends of his who had started a church in Israel, they are working toward that shining city on a hill and want to bring Christ to the middle east region. While the pastor was talking about them he mentioned that his friend had be given a fellowship to some Korean Pastor's ministry. When he mentioned the Pastor many of the folks in the sermon gasped or sighed (in a good way for both) out of recognition. In a way, it seemed like it was an honor to be asked into this man's company. I had, of course, never heard of him before but it struck a cord with me. Why do I have blinders on? Where's my world view...even for myself, not just with my church or what I think others think or know, but for me? What do I know or think about the Body of Christ and it's work outside of my comfort zone? Nothing really...why is that? Shouldn't I be praying for these missionaries who literally risk their lives to spread the Gospel? Shouldn't I care? Why hasn't this ever been something I've been taught? I have no answers for these questions...
   I know every church moves at it's own pace, every pastor is different. But I've gone from one church to another and I feel like the world has shifted. I'm now starting to think about things that have never crossed my mind before. The church I go to is different from ones I've been at before...the focus is different and it's slowly opening my eyes to different things. I've changed and grown and will continue to do so...and so too will my view on the world and the body and my place in it.
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

What's wrong with me?

  I've been feeling blah since Sunday and it's only getting worse. Yesterday, there was a glimmer of hope that this week would turn around after a rough start, but once I got to work things changed.
 
  I think I'm getting too frustrated and too "over it" to continue to care so much about things  that no one is interested in. Things aren't peachy and I'm trying to figure out how to change it, but it hasn't been easier and won't get easier anytime soon.
 
  I'm ready for a change...just trying to figure out how to make it.


  Until Next Time,
  ~m

My Royal Obsession Part 5...

 This is just a general post, since I don't really have the time to sit out and write a complete post right now, but there are some royal things I'd like to comment on...the first being...

   This is Emma McQuiston and she is Britain's first black marchioness (this title is below a Duchess but above a Countess). She married Ceawlin Viscount Weymouth, who upon his father's death will become the Marquis of Bath. As the first, she has said she's experienced a bit of snobbery from the older "royals", but hasn't let that slow her down. Oh and she is of Nigerian descent.

  Here are the new King and Queen of the Belgians! King Philippe was sworn in on Sunday, July 21, 2013. His father abdicated earlier in the day, very much like Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands to allow the next generation to rule (also, he has some paternity issues pending that were starting to over shadow his reign).

 

Unlike other coronations the Belgians do not invite foreign royals to attend and it's not a cause for black ties and tiaras, instead it was very business like in it's detail and didn't get much media coverage. Which is sad, but with everyone waiting for Baby Cambridge and without any glamour, it's to be expected. Here are the new King and Queen with their children. The oldest being their daughter Elizabeth who is now the Duchess of Brabant and heir apparent.

   Lastly, speaking of Baby Cambridge, he or she has decided to grace us with it's presence sometime soon. Yes, Catherine's in hospital and the baby should be here at some point. I'm not as crazed as most because unlike the rest of the world I haven't been on the edge of my seat since the beginning of the month. I didn't believe the palace's announcement of mid-July knowing that W&C would want to keep things as private as possible. And because this is her first birth it could take FOREVER! So, when Baby C arrives I'll be excited, but for now it's business as usual...of course, the rest of the world has lost their minds!

 

For now, this will probably be my last Royal Obsession post for a while...(although I may do a Baby C one). I hope you enjoyed this little view into my craziness.

 

Until Next Time

~m

My Royal Obsession Part 4

 What can I say...I love a good wedding, I love a good love story and I love royals! This wedding had it all...a heart broken Princess who left her country out of embarrassment and betrayal only to find the love she so richly deserved in her new home. And to have all capped off with a lovely and beautiful wedding.
  Princess Madeleine married her boyfriend of 2 years Christopher O'Neill on June 6th. She looked wonderful as she was walked down the aisle by her father the King (who I've only ever seen smile once...at his granddaughter during this wedding).

She surprised many by not wearing the family "traditional" tiara the Cameo, that has been worn by several women in her family including her mom and sister

 

 Instead she worn the "Modern Fringe" Tiara that she usually wears, but it's okay because it went perfectly with her dress and the atmosphere of the day.

  The surprise of this wedding was the sheer joy that spread across the face of her now husband as she walked down the aisle to meet him at the alter. For those of us in the royal fandom (I mean the fandom on Tumblr, which I'm not really apart of, but follow) it was a wonderful sight to see, since prior to that day we have very rarely if ever saw him smile (or show any emotion). A stream of tears followed by a brilliant smile gave us all the knowledge and joy that one of our favorite Princesses was really marrying someone who truly loved her.
   I got to watch this wedding (although on a delay since I woke up late), it was in Swedish and English (thanks to Chris' family not speaking Swedish) so I was able to enjoy and understand it all. In the end, it was a touching display of love and future happiness for all involved.

   In the end though, after the tiaras were all identified and the oohhsss and aahhhsss of the day were gone one thing remains...as much as enjoyed watching two people get married, the true show was put on by Madeleine's niece Princess Estelle...who had a tiny chair, stole her dad's program...kicked her uncle, tried to escape her father's lap and then made her dad take her to stand next to her mother as her mother tried to read a scripture...this kid....

   Here are more photos...and once you look at the photo of Chris' mom your realize smiling isn't big in his family (also the fact that not one of them smiled the entire wedding)

What I Want

  I've been trying to find me...
  I've been trying to figure out who I am, what I want and who I want to be. This is, of course, a lifelong journey...it doesn't just end when I think I've hit my goal, but continues are a learn and grow from life's challenges and my mistakes. My search lately has been for a starting point, where as I am right now do I want to start and what I'd like to strive toward in my life.
Because I know that I canNot walk straight and confident into my future if I have no idea, even in the slightest, which way I'm going or what I'll do when I get there. Of course the journey may have some zigzags or sharp turns ahead, but I'll never know if I don't figure out the goal and start traveling the road...
 
  As I was walking up to my house the other day I realized, in an instant, what I want and who I want to be. Simple and to the point I want to be a reflection of God and a light that shines for Him wherever He chooses to put me. Its a simple goal really, but one that can/will trip me up because I like to get in God's way. Its also a goal I want to embrace.
  Yesterday's sermon was about the perfect marriage but, as I'm married, I found other things that spoke to me. One point was if you're drunk on God there's no room for you to be drunk on you. Being drunk on God changes us...how we speak, act, approach problems and behave. I being drunk on God helps to give us insight on what Jesus really would do, because He's doing it through us.
  I have other, more direct, ideas of what I think I'd like to do in my life, but I'll allow God to work me into those if they are His will. For now though, I'm going to do my best to be filled with Him and to shine brightly with His light...especially when mine is trying to get through.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Love in a Text

I got this text the other day (the yellow part).

It surprised me. Literally, I didn't hear it come in, so when I randomly checked my phone

to see why my music stopped playing I was surprised to see it. But there it was, a bit of encouragement, a bit of love. But, like my usual self I didn't take it as easily as it was given.

 
  Whenever I get a text like that and they generally only come from one person, I always wonder why. Because I can't think or believe its that easy, that someone simply wants to saying something nice without agenda or want behind it. Its hard because encouragement is not something I'm use to. In fact, the opposite is true, its easier for me to take criticism because that's what I know. So for someone to care for me enough to send me love out of the blue is different. Usually I'd over analyze a text like this. I'd stare at it trying to dissect every meaning behind every word. But I didn't this time, I replied to the text in my own self deprecating way and moved on (then two days later realized the text was still trying to go through, so I just deleted it). I didn't over think it because its just easier to to let it go. It's easier to sit back and take the love, take it without questioning. Because when you've asked God to surround you with people that will love and care for you to then reject it or wonder why it's happening is a bit of a slap in His face.

  Until Next Time.
  ~m