A Hiatus to Change My Perspective...

   You may vaguely remember that I started another blog  right around the time I moved to Ventura. I started to showcase my new adventure and new life. I started it full of hope, promise and excitement....I just knew it would be a place for me to show people how amazing life was but... Well, that excitement quickly faded as the reality of my new life hit me and it all became increasingly difficult. I haven't maintained it the way I should have. I wasn't in the right head space to make it what I thought it should be. In fact, I completely forgot about it until a couple of weeks ago. I thought about what I wanted to do with it and decided that I would keep it and try to maintain it, to be more active and attentive on it.
   Then I felt God tell me to step away from this place, a place where I've poured my heart and soul out on my journey through life and with him and focus my blogging attention on the new blog. I'm not sure why He wants me over there, but I can only guess it's to change my perspective and it get me excited about what's coming in my life. I feel like the new blog should be a positive space for me to share the positive things going on with me on this journey. I feel like I should channel the things I'm looking forward to into this new blog and leave this one alone for a while.
   I'll never fully let this place go and in fact, I'm not really sure how long I'll be away from here (I mean, I could have a melt down and come here to write within hours of posting this), but for now I'm following God's lead and stepping out in faith that all the hope, promise and excitement I held within me when I started this new blog will come back to me and be channeled there for all to see.

   So, for now, here's a goodbye. I hope you come over and visit the new blog...just to see how I'm doing and how life is moving forward and where God's taking me...like I said, I'm not leaving this place forever, just for now.

      Until Next Time!
      ~m

Value

  About a month after I moved to Ventura I spent a weekend at my parents house. They brought me home and even visited church with me. Its been over a year and something about it still irritates and frustrates me. I always just chalked it up to my parents not actually seeing who I am, but this morning I realized it was something deeper.
  At some point during the drive up or maybe even earlier in the weekend my dad asked me if I "told them I could sing yet". He meant had I gone the worship leader or Pastor and told them I wanted to be on the worship team. When I told him No, he seemed puzzled, but the conversation didn't go much further. Like I said, I've been irritated at this exchange for over a year, its just another example of how well my parents pay attention to their children. If your child hasn't been in church regularly or on a worship team regularly for almost 2 years what makes you think they're going to jump on the one at their new church within a month? Anyway, as I was gathering my lunch this morning when it hit me (not my lunch). What really got me about the exchange, the real reason why I have been upset about it wasn't actually them not "getting it" it was that this is the only value they see in me.
   I've written a lot about both my parents and my relationship with each. I've written mostly (if not all) negatives about them. My parents didn't instill any type of value of myself in me, just the opposite. Being around my parents, even now, is filled with put-downs and pot-shots. I can never get a "good job", its always a "well, this was wrong". Even when other people say something positive my parents have a way of turning it into a negative and throwing it back....except when I sing. I've written a couple of times about how my mother likes the admiration she gets from people when I sing. But I'm now starting to realize that my parents are two sides of the same coin. That my father, not just my mother likes when people tell him they like my singing. To them, that's my value.
  To them my singing voice is all I've got going for me. Overweight, not particularly attractive, too loud, too opinionated, not where they think I should be in my life they see me as a failure, a burden but I can sing and people like that and tell them they are great because of the talent God gave me and they enjoy hearing it. They want that! So there is my value. My father probably thought he'd walk into my new church and have people say "oh, you're Melanie's father, she so great she has such a great voice and he'd smile and have his dose of prestige from me" (that's exactly what happened at Marina). That did not happen at my new church...well, actually it did. He met Randy and Jacquie and they told them just that, except without the singing part. I'm awesome, they are excited to have me up here and they love me...but those things were dismissed because that's not where he sees my value.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have completely missed the mark on this, but this is what I see.
  Every time I say I'm going to visit Marina (and its always because of them never because I want to) the first question is "are you singing?", when I was still at Marina the questions were always "why aren't you singing?" and upon going to my new church the first question wasn't whats it like, what do they teach, how do they believe, have you met the Pastor...it was "have you told them you can sing"
  Now, you tell me....am I wrong?

  Until Next Time,

  ~m

Hitting a Wall

  Facing a wall and trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to knock it down, climb over it or find a path around is tricky. I ran into this same sort of problem a few weeks ago and I choose to find a different path. Now, I've encountered another, much bigger wall and I'm sitting here staring at it trying to figure out if the fight to climb it or break it down is even worth it. The truth for me, right now, is I'd like to turn my back and find another path, but as easy as that decision is it leaves hard truths in it's wake. Would my life be easier in many many ways? Yes. It will be a lot easier to just walk, but that doesn' t mean it's the right thing to do.
   I'm going to be sitting here awhile, thinking, praying, wondering about what I should do and how I should leave this situation. It's not simply about being hurt or not wanting to be hurt, it's about sanity and seeing a clearer picture. What that picture has shown me is that I don't want this part of my past and present to be a controller of my future. I don't want it to continue to influence me and change my mood and turn me inside out just because. I don't want anything good that comes my way to be turned into a negative on someone else's whim. I don't want to be a pawn or a manipulation tool. These are the reasons I want to walk...but the decision on whether I give it another try or give up isn't just mine...it's God's too. He has control of the situation and he'll tell me what I should and shouldn't do.
    But until then I just have to try and navigate it all...this wall is a living breathing thing that I have to deal with daily. It's something that is a huge part of me...but the more my journey comes into focus the more I feel like this giant part of me isn't worth being there anymore....

    Until Next Time,
    ~m

Comfort

Here's from God is such a comfort..
  it restores my heart and give me peace

my soul feels refreshed and nourished
  and I'm overwhelmed with joy.

I missed our talks and I'm so glad that
  I can have this communication and time
     with him.

Made to Love

 

  The way I accept people into my life is with all my heart. I love big and with all that I've got. That's just how I was made, once you're in my life you're truly in my life and you'd have to do something devastating for me to walk away. Unfortunately, most people don't love the same way I do, which leaves me on the receiving end of hurt and heartbreak. Wanting and waiting for that kind of return on an investment is draining and has left me feeling like I'm the problem, like I'm the one incapable of being loved.
  
   I'm slowly starting to see that its not me at all. I except to receive what I give, but I never actually do...that's not a reflection on me, its simply a fact of life. Does that mean I'm going to stop, going to change the way I am, become something different....no. What it simply means is God made me this way for a reason. It's not a flaw, it's me and one day it's going to benefit someone who really needs it. That the way I love will help someone feel less insignificant and more like they are worthy of all that this world holds for them.
 
   It also means that one day I'm going to find someone who'll love me that way too. I just have to make sure I'm ready to accept it after all this time of not knowing it. I think that will be really hard for me, but I'm willing to give it a try.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

HeartBroken

   The other day I watched as two kids on television speak about their father, saying what he means to them and how much he takes care of them, listens and supports them. It made me sad because if someone ever asked me to describe why I love my father or what type of a father he is I couldn't say anything of those things, not truthfully. In fact, most of the things I would say would be the opposite.
Not supportive, not loving, not caring...but mean, hurtful, resentful and angry.
  
   When you grow up in a home where people treat the furniture better than they treat you it's hard to see other people who had the type of relationship with their parents that you always longed for but never got. I don't know why my father is the way he is. I never will (and I'm not suppose to). All I know is how he made/makes me feel and how, even after being out of his house for more than a year, I wake up scared that he's going to come storming into my room yelling and screaming.

   I'm not saying this for anyone to feel bad for me...I'm saying it because it's something I need to get out of my system. It's something I need to rid myself of so that I can move on to bigger and better. Although I am attempting to leave this here I know that I will always carry it around with me I will always take it into relationships. I will always be a little afraid that I'm not good enough because that's what I've always been taught...by my father.


   Until Next Time
   ~m

You Make Me Brave By Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of Your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of You
King of Heaven in humility, I bow
As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

I have heard You call my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So, I will let You draw me beyond the shore
Into Your grace, Your grace
As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The promises You've made

As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

 

This Song is tremendously relevant to me and my walk with God at the moment! I heard it for the first time this past Sunday and it spoke to me, especially the line "You called me beyond the shore into the waves". I feel like God is doing that right now. He's asking a lot of me, but I also know that He's standing right next to me in those waves and He won't let me fall or drown.

Am I Happy?

 This question popped into my head on my morning drive. It's hard to give an answer to such an important question. Why you may ask? Because I've never truly been happy. I don't know what happiness looks or feels like so I can't tell you (or myself) if I'm happy. I could sit and over think this question to death, but I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to simply finish the thought and move on with joy.
  I am happy...everyday, not all day everyday, but everyday in big and small ways. My happiness grows the more I understand who and where I am in the world. The more I listen to and rely on God's grace and guidance and the more I accept that the only thing I can change is me. For reasons only God truly knows I am in places where I have been far from happy, but He's also told me to find happiness everywhere I am, in all the things that I've been handed. That means I need to find happiness, even the smallest bit of it, in all my circumstances. I think (although it's really hard) that I'm doing just that. I'm happy. Work and home...my daily commute they've all in one way (or many) be very unsatisfying...but seeing what each one of these things has given me over the last year makes me happy. Because I would be in a completely different place if it weren't for them. They've all given me a piece of the puzzle to move me to where I am going so for those things I am happy and grateful! Not all day everyday, but everyday.
  I use to think that I had to wait for something to happen to me in order for me to be happy. I waited and nothing happened. I've finally realized that I am the only person who can find and bring my happiness to me. So, that's what I'm doing...I'm seeking out happiness and holding onto every moment of it. I don't want to sit in a sad little corner and continue a cycle I don't want to be in. So to answer this mornings question...

  I am happy...and its not even my own doing...it's God.
 
  Until Next Time,
   ~m

Just Write

  When you don't know how to pray
  When there's too much in your mind and you just can't get the words out
  Just write, write it down.
  Pray on paper...

  I'll see it as it forms in your mind...as it takes shape on the page.
  I'll know it comes from your heart and I'll understand
  Don't beat yourself up because the words fail to come
  I know they're there, you just have to get them out

  So, when you're struggling and a deep calming breathe don't work
  Pull out a pen and paper and I'll read your pray over your shoulder.

Letting Go

   In order for me to move, to get up from that spot on the floor that I was so unwilling to abandon, I had to give up the things that I was holding on to. I had to give up people, relationships, beliefs, burdens and anger. I had to make the things that were keeping me down there to God. I couldn't hold on to them anymore...because they weren't good for me.
  
   As much as I wanted to keep them all it became very clear that they were only causing me pain. Why be angry when the other person has no idea? Why be hurt when they could care less? Why be...waiting, waiting for the day that they could feel the same thing you feel? There was no point, because I knew that none of these things would happen. Life moves on, and I was the only party who wasn't.
  One day God asked for it...all of it! He told me I didn't need it anymore...not as a security blanket, not as a lifeline, not as a weight. I needed to let it all go. Spring clean out my closet and let him take out the trash. So, I did just that...I gave him the things that I've been holding on to for years. The things that caused me pain and made me lonely.
   I can't say that I'm sad, because most of these burdens came to an end long ago, I just wasn't willing to let go. I can say that not having those weights around my neck has caused me to see the world and my life very differently. Slowly but surely I'm seeing that my life is better without holding on to what I don't need. I will always look back and think about all of those things...I will wonder and worry (cause that's who I am) but I won't go back to the place I was...it's not worth my happiness to give so much of myself and receive nothing back.

   To God be the Glory.

Feeling Lighter

  There's something to be said about feeling lighter, when you have hope and feel like your future is brighter than your past. There's something to be said about being confident and excited and sure.

  That's how I feel. Lighter, confident, sure and hopeful...
 and dare I say....Happy!

   Life is good...I have nothing to complain about and everything to look forward to. I know that it's not always going to feel this way. I'm going to go through the valleys and walk in shadows...I know that there will be daily struggles and challenges, but I'm resting in God's promises and staying focused on what happiness my future holds for me...
  
   And what happiness I have now.

small things

 i've always been the person who, when speaking to someone at length, wonders why that person would ever give me the time of day. i'm the person who wonders why I have friends, or why even i have people in my life at all. i don't really understand why anyone would want anything to do with me. you'd literally have to beat me down in order to get me to think that you may even (just the tiniest bit) like me in some fashion. for the most part I take everyone I meet and, even if I like them, I go with the thinking that they can't wait to get away from me. i've always thought that...it's just who i am. so imagine my surprise when i walked into my old church and got a bear hug from someone i had not idea liked me.
  about a week before this my mother told me that this person had mentioned me and told my mom that she really missed me. i was shocked cause, as i said, i didn't think she liked me. and not in my usual, they don't like me way, but seriously i thought she didn't like me at all! i thought my mom was pulling my leg..so i asked her about it a couple days later and she said the same thing. i was shocked, but not as shocked as i was with the hug i received. with the month i've been having it was like catching a life-preserver in the middle of the open sea.
  i needed it....i needed it like a needed nothing else...i needed that hug, from that person. at that moment. it was...i have no words...


  until next time,
   m

If You Build It

   Yesterday was an imteresting day of revelations, i spent most of the day in my head trying to decipher how i was feeling about a variety of things...but the thing that impacted me the most is my lack of self-esteem. i've known for a long time that my self esteem was shot, but it wasn't until yesterday that i realized its just not something that i have, at all.
   Of course this all stems from an off hand comment from one of my parents (don't all my revelations come that way). i helped my brother with a youth sleepover on Saturday night...if you know anything about youth sleepovers they aren't condusive to any actual sleep. So the fact that i got any sleep and was able to take a shower (thanks to the pastors wife) was a bit of a miracle...of course, my father did.t see or try to understand any of that all he saw was that i hadnt combed my hair. I washed my hair the day before and let it air dry on the drive...i put it up in a bun and pulled most loose strands back with bobby pins. i personally didnt care what i looked like because i wasn't trying to impress anyone. however, standing in front of the church talking to someone i hear my father say, "yeah but i wish she had done soething with her hair". i going to assume, knowing the person he was speaking to that he was asked "isn't nice that shes here today". That was his repsonse...not its great that shes here cause i haven't seen her. Not even its nice she came down to help her brother with tue youth....nope just yeah, whatever shes here and embarassing me with her hair. Thats not the first (or only comment he made about my appearance this weekend). Saturday night when i arrived, he saw me and chided me for acne scars i have on my nose (which I've had for a couple of years and he's commented on before) by saying "what are you not taking care of your skin", then proceeding to drag his hand over my face like he was healing me or something. Which he wasn't.
   When i got back to the youth room i texted Maria with a funny quip and a picture of my face and hair that morning...her response in stark contrast to my fathers was...she simply said "Beautiful"
    It made me pause, it made me think. It stopped me from telling another self-deprecating joke to keep from allowong me to feel my hurt and others from seeing it. In that moment i sat there and wondered with dawning awareness that my parents have never told me i was beautiful (my mother claims.that her first word upon seeing me was beautiful, but i've never actually believed it). The only person who's told me i beautiful is Maria. She says it regularly, she says it often. She doesn't say it as a joke, she says it because she means it and i've never accepted it because i dont believe it.
   I some point this thought slammed itself into the forefront of my mind... "how can you fight for self esteem when the people who should have instilled it in you did the opposite?" Followed by "how can you feel good about yourself when the odds of positive and negative are 2-1?" When you have, not one, but two parents who nitpick your appearance, condemn you amd make you feel your flaws your whole life how can you possibly overcome that

Fight the Good Fight

  Fight the Good Fight...
  I've heard that phrase most of my life. I took it to heart and it means something to me, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only person fighting for this fight. It's difficult to give perspective to the question because it's wholly mine and if I open that can of worms you'll never actually get me back on track...
  This is a notion that I've thought about. This fighting to hold on to, fighting to save, fighting for something I think is good. Maybe, I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I am fighting this fight all by myself. If true, that's a shame because it answers another question, a question that I've been too afraid to ask myself (although I know I will have to ask it soon). I go back and forth never really understanding what I am looking at, what I am fighting for. The dream-like versions of good I have in my head, or the reality of it. Two very different things...two very different situations...both leaving my feeling helpless and stuck.
   So, the question I'm asking of my self is do I continue to fight the good fight, even though I'm fighting it alone or do I just throw my hands up and walk away? Would anyone even notice?

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

A Place for my Thoughts

  This is my place.
  This is the place to put down my thoughts
    my place to shed my tears in the form of words.
  This is my place to be me unexplained, pained and joyful
 
  It's not about who reads it or why, it's about who writes it...me
  An open book, a journal of my journey through good times and bad.
  A peek into my mind, my heart and my soul.
  My stories my be trivial, dumb and foolish, but they are mine

  I am whole (or as whole as I can be) in this place
  I am me here in fullness and understanding.
  Some may take this journey with me, others may stop past on their own path
  Either way, this place is truth, my truth
  Hard, soft, cold and warm the truth of me and how I see life.

  This is my place, this is me.
  You're welcome to stay as long as you like or leave as fast as you've come.
  I'll keep writing, keep crying, keep singing and keep dwelling here.

  ~m

The Big Things...

 When I was 12 I started praying for the life I thought I'd have by now. The life I knew, even at 12, that I desperately wanted. I started to pray for my husband, for my children...my future family that I knew God would give me. At 12 there was no way you could tell me that I wouldn't have that family while I was looking down the barrel of my 35th birthday. You couldn't even tell me that at 19 or 25 and this time last year you couldn't tell me that I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams by now. That guy I've been praying for most of my life. But here am I 34, single and alone. No husband, no children, no life I've prayed for anywhere in sight. What I have is a roomate who drives me crazy, a job that doesn't want me, a life that isn't living and a God that doesn't hear me. What I have right now, is a pile of crap! That's it.
  I often talk about that Big Things, the promises that God made to me, the things that He said he'd do that He, I don't know, chose not to do (THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY HIS TIMING IS PERFECT IS GETTING SLAPPED). These are them. The desires of my heart? To be a wife and mother, that's it. But I'm 34 and the older I get the less likely those things are. My Mother and Grandmother both had Hyster.... in their 30's, I have the same piping so I'll probably have to have it all ripped out soon. There goes that motherhood dream. What's the point of even wondering about a husband...I'm sure that guy I started praying for at 12 found someone else to marry...someone not so damaged. Trust me, in the last five years I've asked, begged and pleaded with God about when this all would happen. 2 years ago I thought I got an answer...turns out the joke was on me. The answer I got wasn't really an answer. It was the beginning of an obstacle course and everytime I think I've past through it He decides I"m not good enough and throws something else in my path. So I've given up.Yep...I did the thing you're not supposed to do. I decided to stop playing the game...what will it hurt? It's easier to stop playing then it is to keep hoping and walking around with a broken heart.
  Some may mistakenly think that because I have people around me who are married and having babies that that's why I feel this way. I don't compare this journey of mine to others, because I don't want their lives. I don't want their happiness. I want my own, I've been through too much not to get a happy end. Huh, a happy ending...what a laugh. I've always been someone elses punching bag, that's all I'm good for so why would I get a happy ending? Why would I get the desires of my heart? Why would I get the Big Things...I wouldn't and I won't.
  At the end of my life when I'm looking back at my pain (cause that's all I'll have) I'll know if it was worth it or not to stop playing this game with God. I'll see whether giving up on ever getting the desires of my heart was the right thing to do or not. Maybe I'll feel different, maybe I'll regret it all. But that's then, right now I can't bare being told that all I need to do is this or that...because I know that at the end of that my happines won't be there....it'll never actually come. My prayers won't be answered, that 12 year old girl who's praying and hoping for a wonderful life will only get pain and she'll have to learn that that's all this life has for her. Even at 35.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Trust

  I don't trust myself, I don't trust people. Not really! I trust a few people with a few things. I don't have alot of friends because I always feel myself a burden to them. An ackward menance that doesn't really fit in. The odd man out and no matter what others may say I always have (and will) feel that way. I don't value myself enough to think that anyone else would value me in the slightest. It's that, that leads itself to my thoughts on Sunday. I've already posted about shifting my focus, but there's something else that came up.

  "When you start thinking things of people, you start thinking them of God"

  This statement is so true to my life. If I don't trust people, the people who've shown me that I can trust them in the practicle everyday things then how am I going to trust God in those same things? I don't trust and I'm too afraid to be let down to hope. Everyone has let me down in some way (and I'm sure I've let everyone down too), so I have a hard time really allowing myself to trust people. My faith and trust have come and gone. I'm cynical about EVERYTHING. I wasn't always like that, in fact, I wasn't like that a year ago today. No, this cynical side has slowly emerged out of the year I've had. The year that was supposed to be amazing wasn't and God, who was supposed to come through on the big things, didn't. I sat back and waited, I watched, I hoped and had faith and none of the big things, none of the promises happened. So now I'm sitting here with no hope, barely any faith and no trust that God will ever come through on the big things....
   This is when someone throws out the "HIS TIMING IS PERFECT". Maybe they're right, maybe His timing is perfect. And maybe when I'm 80 and He decides it's the perfect time for the big things, when I'm half dead, I'll be so ridiculously grateful that I'll start to sprout that line too. Has anyone ever thought that people say that because they've already experienced all those answered prayers, so for them they aren't waiting anymore...and they think that when they got it it was perfect so it'll be perfect for those still waiting? Or maybe that's just what you say when you have nothing else for the person standing in front of you wondering why God gave up.
   That's where I am. I don't trust people, I don't trust God. My hope is gone, my faith is almost non-existant and I'm trapped in a life that is a series of hits and misses...I get hit, then I miss. I can ask when is any of it going to work out for me and I'll get the "His timing is perfect" line in return, but that's not an answer. Because I can't get an answer I've come up with my own. For the last six months its been this... "It's never going to work out for me because I'm here to be everyone elses punching bag." The girl that is awkward, the girl that doesn't trust, the girl who will never get the promises because God gave up. I'm secondary...my happiness, my heart are meaningless. So why do I even try to fight for it, when in the end I'll just be let down?
    That's why I don't have any trust.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Damage we do...

 We've all done damage to other people, whether intentional or not. To say that you haven't inflicted some type of damage onto someone else is dumb and wrong. I don't think the majority of sane, reasonable people do this damage on purpose, but they do do it.
  On Sunday, I was thinking about some of the damage that I've held onto for the past year or so. The damage that I, as much as I want to, can't seem to let go of. It's damage that was put on me unitentionally (at least I think it was unitentionally), but it was also inflicted by a damaged person. And it's us damaged folks who inflict and cause the most damage in others. This person turned into someone truly selfish when it came to me and my decisions. They couldn't see past their own agenda and needs to order to be supportive. I'm not sure the reason why this keeps popping up in my mind, maybe it's because it was unexpected and maybe it's because it was so sad to experience. When I needed this person they chose to not stand by me. They decided that they would instead try to diswayed me from following my heart.
   It's funny how you can see people's agenda in your life when you look back on it. The person was all for me moving, but just not for me moving away. All for me getting out from under the thumb of my parents, but not really for me branching out to be where I wanted to be. Their agenda for me was to become independant, but just a bit...because they still wanted me to depend on them. Once I told them I was going they didn't want to even really acknowledge it. It was like just any other conversation. I wasn't hurt, I knew it would go that way, but I was sad. Sad because it felt a lot more like a loss than like a happy farewell.
   All that happened in 2013, it's now 2014 and I'm still thinking about it. Maybe it's something I was always think about. Maybe it's something that I'm trapped in because of second guessing or maybe I'm just a sucker for blaming others. I can tell you one thing, it would have been nice to share this part of my journey with them. It would have been nice to have conversations and to lean on them like I use to, but that relationship isn't what it use to be. Maybe that's my fault, for not playing by the rules they set for me. Or maybe it's no ones fault and they were only set to be in my life for that period of time. Whatever it is...this is where I stand in it.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Shift Your Focus...

 That was the message at church yesterday. It was a good message and it gave me something to think about. The truth of life, my life, is this...I dwell on the things I do not have, instead of the things/blessings I do have.
  For the past few weeks I've been telling myself to tweet what I'm grateful for just one thing a day, for myself. A declaration of my life's blessings, instead of all the negatives I point out. The things I frequently overlook. I haven't done it...although I think about it regularly I have yet to put down my thankfulness into words. While sitting in church yesterday listening to this message I thought again about starting to do this. It occurred to me that it wouldn't just be about declaring to the world that I was thankful for things, but it was also a way to shift my focus to the positives I have in my life. I wouldn't just be declaring these things to the world, but also to myself.
  There are things that must change, things I know only I can change...like the way I look at things, the way I react to things and the way I choose to look at the life I have around me. Really, I have so many things to be grateful for...so many things that I take for granted that I shouldn't. Its time for me to stopped looking at all the negatives and time to start enjoying the blessings. Blessings that I've been lucky enough to be given and stupid enough to take for granted.
   I'm still thinking on yesterday's message, I'm still praying and wondering and growing based on one short sentence...Shift Your Focus. It's going to take some time and it will be a daily course correction, but I will try...try to see the glass overflowing instead of the glass half empty.

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

How Not to Lose Her

Outlook

This statement, which is clearly something I struggle to achieve, is part of a series of "cosmic prompts" I've been receiving lately. All the prompts have been in the forms of quotes or other people's writings (which I guess are the same are quotes, duh), but they've all centered around being happy, being thankful and letting the past not dictate the future. As much as I've enjoyed these little ditties I've also had a hard time actually coming to grips with them. The question is always the same...why won't I allow myself to be happy? Just happy in the circumstances I'm in. My life isn't perfect or pretty, but it could be a lot worse.

So why is it that I choose to live in this hole that I'm consistently digging deeper? I'm not sure, I guess I could use the mindset my father uses...that the whole wide world is against me. But the whole wide world doesn't know I exist, so why would it make the effort. I could also make the argument that God's against me, but I don't believe that. I am, however, still struggling with whether or not He actually cares about what I'm feeling (that's the truth, seriously it's a true deep struggle I'm trying to work through because in all honesty it doesn't feel like He gives two cents about how I'm feeling). I could also, make the argument that life is unfair and therefore my life...in it's entirety, is a result of that...but still through abuse (in many forms), emotional scars and loneliness I am in a better place than a lot of others. So, why don't I chose to be happy?

I guess, and this is just me thinking off the cuff, it's because I'm too focused on what I don't have instead of being focused on what I do have, the good things in life. There are alot of things I want (and have waited for), but for whatever reasons I haven't gotten them yet. So my struggles kind of center around those. Still, in placing my thoughts on the things I don't have I'm missing the happiness that's around me, I'm missing the life that's flowing past me. I'm missing out period!

So, I'm going to try my best to be happy...I'm choosing it everyday...it'll be a struggle, but I think it'll be worth it. At least I hope it will be...

 

Until Next Time

~m

Quotes

If One is Out of  touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.

                                                                             ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well.

                                                                             ~David Nichols


BE YOURSELF: No One can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.

                                                                             ~James Leo Herlihy


Now it is a funny thing about life, if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.

                                                                             ~W. Somerset Maugham


The Longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.

                                                                             ~Voltaire

Be a FIRST rate version of yourself, insteaf of a second rate version of somebody else.

                                                                             ~Judy Garland

When nothing is sure EVERYTHING is possible.

                                                                             ~Margaret Drabble

New Shows...reviews and stuff.

 Hi All,

 

   I don't think I've done one of these in a while, but there are so many new shows I'm watching I thought I should just comment on them. I won't go too in depth on the shows, but just give my commentary and thoughts. It'll be quick (I think)...

   REIGN:

The story of Mary, Queen of Scots' time as a teenager in the French Court about to marry the Dauphin. This show is not historically accurate, if that's what your looking for then don't watch this. It is however, intriguing, fun and full of pretty people in pretty clothes. It's a teenage soap opera...would do you expect. It also happens to be my latest obsession!

 Sleeping Hollow:

This is a fun show...very supernatural, very historical (and I think they're trying to be as accurate as possible, but without shoving it down your throat). Although it's already on Hiatus, I cannot wait for next season! Ichabod was brought back to life in the present day to destory the recently awoken horseman (who just happens to be the Angel, or Demon of Death...the first horseman of the apocalypse). Ichabod also discovers that his wife's a witch trapped in a parallel deminsion and in order to set things right and get her back he has to destory the "Head" demon out to bring about the apocalyse. He's also teamed up with an Female Lt. (Sheriff's deputy) who's trying her best to get him aclimated to the present. It's fun and keeps you on the edge of your seat...it'll also have you jumping out of your seat and running to turn the lights back on.

Almost Human:

All I have to say is JJ Abrams...but then there's also Karl Urban. Too men I love, whose work I'll watch. I didn't know about this one, but it's a Bad Robot production so I had to give it a try. I'm enjoying it so much! It's funny...a buddy cop show with a twist. Set in the near future, where technology has grown and is running a muck. This show gives us a glimpse of the possiblities we are only starting to experience in everyday life...the good and the bad of it. Again, it's funny and interesting.

 

 

 

Sherlock:

This one isn't new, but after a 2 year break it might as well be. We finally found out how Sherlock faked his death (not really). Mary Watson is introduced, we met a new villian and see the old gang again. Sherlock, of course, has some great moments. Watson kicks Sherlock's butt and Mycroft is a whiner! Also, we meet Mr. and Mrs. Holmes aka Mikey and Sherley's parents. At only 3 episodes a season it was over before it really started and again left us with a great cliffhanger. I cannot wait til season 4. Side note: Mary Watson is played by Dr. Watson (Martin Freeman)'s real life partner and Sherlock's parents are played by Sherlock(Benedict Cumberbatch)'s parents.

 

 

Betrayal:

This show (also on hiatus) was the one I was most excited about. From all the previews this show was going to be great, but the previews were the only thing great about it. It had so much potential, but just failed to keep me interested. When I finally finished up the season(thanks to my DVR and on Demand) I felt somewhat happy with the way it ended...I mean it was wrapped up nicely (for what it was). They ended up with a tease, but I'd be really surprised if ABC gives it a second season.

 

 

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.:

Last, but not least is this gem. Another by a man I'd walk through fire for (well, not really but I'm deeply devoted to his work) Joss Whedon. It's a Marvel show, that hints at Marvel characters and is set in the Marvel universe, but it's its own enitity. I'm enjoying the ride...so far it's been fun and interesting. Also enjoyable are the name drops (of Marvel characters or gags) and the surprise cameos...my favorite so far is Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) yelling at Coulsen for damage done to the "Bus" (airplane). Oh...and yeah COULSEN! He's alive, but because the Avengers don't know it he (and the show) are staying separate...for now.

 

 

So that's it...the new shows I've been watching this season. I'm enjoying them all and hope to continue to enjoy them into the future.

 

Until Next Time!

~m

 



The Truly Great By Stephen Spender

405 Freeway of Life

  If you're reading this and not from So Cal I need to explain the 405 freeway to you. Think of a parking lot, one that you have to park in on a semi-regular basis...but no matter what time you pull in, be it 6am or 10pm it's always full...and not only full, but there are lines of cars waiting to get a space (kinda like a mall parking lot during Christmas time). Got that picture in your head? Well that, my friends, is the 405 fwy. On a good day I've been able to spend a short time on the 405 trying to get to my destination, on a bad day I've spent hours (literally) trying to get 5 to 10 miles (and there's no point in getting off to take the streets). I'm talking about the 405 because I realized that it's the perfect description for my journey in life right now.
   In yesterday's message Pastor Jude said that God likes the scenic route. We need to understand that God's not going to get us to the goal quickly, he's going to take his sweet time...stop to smell the roses and look at the trees and he won't let us get off this "fwy" to take a faster "street" path. It, of course, made total sense to me because it's exactly where God and I are. I'm stuck in the center lane of the 405 not moving, begging him to make the traffic go and he's taking pictures of the clouds and buildings...playing with the radio and instagraming, tweeting and facebooking...not giving my whining a lick of attention.
   I've been stuck in this "traffic" for about a year now...with nothing moving the way I thought it would and every question I pose being seemingly ignored. My patience is gone...I want answers, I want to move, I want to see what's next (or if anything is next) for me. I want to know...something, anything. I don't even think it's a quick thing...nope...because of the things I've been asking God about, one in particular I've been seeking an answer for all of my adult life. 14 years is a long time in traffic. Right now, in my spiritual life I'm not going anywhere, I'm just sitting in traffic with only terrible music to listen to.
   Yesterday's sermon reminded me that I still need to muster some patience and wait because He's not going to move me until He sees fit, which I knew. The sad thing is I'm starting to feel like that day will never actually come and that I'll be sitting in a car in the middle of the 405 listening to Justin Bieber for the rest of my life. And by golly that's not a life I want to live...unfortunately, I think that's the one God wants for me...

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Coming Home

  I've always felt like there's a comfort in coming home. Because it's the familiar place of your youth or the place you've made a life for yourself. It's the place you choose to lay your head or spend your days. Home is simply, where the heart is.
  For the longest time I got this feeling of coming home as I came over the grade into Ventura. Now, that I live there, it's not the same. I guess because it's no longer a longing. It's now a real tangible thing and in many ways not what I expected. When I come over that same grade now I don't get that feeling. That feeling of home isn't present anymore. I don't get it at my parents home, my childhood home, either. I think (at my parents) there are a lot of reasons for that, but one would definitely have to be the deep unhappiness that is contained within those walls, not just mine, but as I've discovered everyone who lives in that house. You maybe asking why I'm writing all this, well it's because yesterday...I walked into home.
  I hadn't been to church since before Christmas. Every time I told myself I'd go I just came up with an excuse not to and of course, I was fine with it. Yesterday was my first time back in two months (and only because I went with Kristi and Rayne), it felt good to be back. Worship was great, the message was exactly what I needed to hear (even though it really wasn't what I wanted to hear) and it made my day that much better. I can only hope that my week is good as a result of my mind and soul being in a better place after the service.
  From the first time I walked into that church it's felt like home but because of my stubbornness I left it in search of something else...something more? There's a movie I love called "Center Stage" it's about ballet dancers...when one of them loses her way her teacher tells her (this is my interpretation) that she has to go "back to the bar" to find whatever she's looking for. Okay, not the bar where you drink, but the bar in a ballet studio. For me, that bar is home...it's go back home, to church...to God. To the place where you feel the most like yourself and the least alone and sad. I had forgotten that, but yesterday I was reminded that I don't need to do this by myself and if I start to feel like I'm slipping all I need to do is go home.

   Until Next Time,
    ~m

To find the beauty

to find the beauty, in it's simplest form
to seek the pleasure of a hard worked day.
Its in the joy of sudden laughter and shorter smiles.

to find the beauty in the sway of grass and toll of bells,
in the grace of man and the movement of beast.
there is nothing more spectacular than finding beauty in the simplest of things...
in the unexpected and the whimsical.
In the smallness of night and the glory of day.

It's Sad

You know what's sad?
When you aren't surprised anymore because you have no hope left.
That may sound weird, but if I explained the whole situation it wouldn't.

I'm not going to go into detail but I'm going to say that being surprised and then having that surprise turn to disappointment no longer seems like something that happens to me.
You see, it used to happen all the time, but I came to a conclusion in my life and since that moment...
these little surprises are just that...surprises.
There's no disappointment that follows, because I know what the outcome of my life will be...
so, you could say that biggest disappointment lies ahead of me.
In that, there's no need for the small ones to cause that feeling.

I'm sure you're more confused now then when you started reading this. So before I delve deeper into my own mind let me leave you with this.

This morning I realized I'm at the place in my life where I NEVER wanted to be...I prayed with all my heart that God would lead me in a different direction and that I wouldn't end up here...but here I stand. Prayers not answered...and in that I find my life headed to my greatest disappointment.

Until Next Time,
~m

State of the Union!

 Last night was the State of the Union address. I've been watching the SOTU address every year since the middle of W.'s 8 year term. I didn't think I'd get to see the whole thing because I was sitting on the train and the feed on my phone kept cutting out. But in the end, I was able to watch it (thanks to PBS).
 There were a lot of things that struck me about it. I gained a lot of information I previously was not aware of and I realized that our country is building momentum to a brighter future...too bad Congress won't get out of the way and let it happen. But I'm not going spout off about the relationship between the President and Congress. No, instead I want to talk about heartbreak.

  This is Army Ranger Sgt.1st Class Cory Remsburg. He was invited to sit in the box with the first lady during the address. He's known the President for awhile, in fact, they met in 2009 on the 65th Anniversary of the D-Day Landings in France. The President told his story...how he was injured by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan, he was found by other members of his unit, face down in water with shrapnel in his brain. After months in a coma, he met the President again and was unable to speak or move. The thing that got me about this story was the fact that this brave man was on his 10th deployment to the Middle East! 10TH! 10TH!...That's all that kept running through my head when I was watching the rest of the speech. Not only should he not have been there at all, but he was there for the 10th time. This to me is absolutely heartbreaking...but it also shows the spirit of the brave people who enlisted (they all enlist...no one is being draft, these are all volunteers). Not only are they willing to go in the first place, but they are willing to go again and again and again...never knowing if they'll come back whole or at all.
  Cory is just a glaring example of what's happening everyday. Our military hospitals are full of men and women who gave so much of themselves for the rest of us. And it's heartbreaking because it's so unnecessary. Now, we have some members of Congress trying to pick another unnecessary fight...it's like now that we're out of one country and making strides to get out of another they wanted to pick a fight just to send our troops back. I'm glad the President said NO, I'm glad he's standing up to the war machine the US is funding and telling the Congress people to back down and shut up. We don't need to send anymore troops out to die or be severely injured over nothing.
  My heart is broken for our troops...the the injured and the whole...for the families of those who aren't coming back and for those who will have to go out with the unknown lingering over their heads.

  Until Next Time.
  ~m

what am I?

In my mind I am a raven...
In my heart am I a horse
In my life I am a chicken
In my mirror I am a frog
and in my thoughts...I am...

Musings

  I friend said something in an email that has stuck with me.
 We were talking about clothes (cause she's utterly stylish and I'm not, but would like to be) she was saying that she's been in a bit of a style funk, but that she's "trying, little by little, to fashion myself the way I want to be seen"...I had never really thought about it like that before. I mean I know that how you present yourself to the world is how the world will see you, but I've never really gone deeper with it. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. Maybe it's because I'm not satisfied with how am present myself (which is something I'm trying to work on) and this, the fashion, style, clothing thing, is just an extension of that.
  Anyway, it's certainly something that has been on my mind lately. Something I've been thinking about harshly. I guess I see more opportunities and changes coming in this new year...although I'm at a true and total loss for what they may be. But whatever they are, I know that at the based level if I'm not happy with myself then I can't be happy with the changes...


   That's all I've got for now...
   Until Next Time

    ~m
 

I Think She's Lost It

'I got the total package you know, the curves, the rhythm, and the voice. I'm just the best"

  The above quote is from Miley Cyrus. She did an interview with a magazine called LOVE and in it she said that Beyonce was done and its now her (Miley's) time to be on top. She said that Beyonce has lost her focus and her body since having her child and that now she (Miley) is stepping up to take over....
   Okay, so before I get started let me say this. I'm not writing this post because I'm a huge Beyonce fan and feel like I need to defend her. In truth, I don't really care for Beyonce. I like some of her music and think she is a great entertainer, but I'm not a fan. I'm also not a fan of Miley, but she's just starting to bug the crap out of me. Also, let me say that I understand this is part of her "marketing" campaign/gimmick to keep people talking about her and in writing this post I'm falling right into the trap...oh well, I'm going to write and post this anyway.
    I don't care how much I don't care of an entertainer I will admit when they do something well. Beyonce does what she does well. At this point in time she is probably the best at putting on a non-stop thrill ride of a live show. She does the singing, dancing, costume changes, hair whipping and fan crazing all while wearing 5 inch heels...there's no one, right now, who can come anywhere close to that. Certainly not Miley. Here's the thing about the quote above...she only has no of the things she's claiming she has. That's the voice. Miley Cyrus can sing. If you don't believe me, that's fine. But if you take anyway the bad music and ridiculous lyrics and give her real songs to sing you'll see that she has a lovely powerful, even compelling voice. But she has no curves to speak of and as far as I've seen she ain't got no rhythm either. And that's what makes the quote all the more ridiculous.
    She wants to compare herself to Beyonce and say that she's ready to take the throne from her...but she can't hold a candle to Beyonce. I don't care if Beyonce is on stage with Blue Ivy in her arms she's still going to put on a better show and have more curves and rhythm).
    Before I wrap this up I want to say that earlier this month Beyonce released a surprise album. No one knew it was coming there was no build up, no advertising, no commotion. She just released an album one morning (alone with 17 new videos) and let go do it's thing. As far as I know she still hasn't do any interviews for it. You know what, that album went to Number 1 in a matter of hours worldwide...who else can do that. Not Miley, that's for sure.
    So Miley, please stop. You're embarrassing yourself. Beyonce is still on the top of her game baby or no. Her music is still selling, her shows are still slaying and her body is still banging...all you have is a bad haircut. So, just stop....please!

    Until Next Time
    ~m

 

Happiest of New Years!

My 2013 was exciting, nerve racking and difficult. But it was also an amazing journey.
I hope that my 2014 is less nerve racking and difficult and more amazing and exciting....I hope my journey through this new year is a great one, blessed with learning, reading, laughter and love.

I pray that you who are reading this are also blessed with greatness, joy, love and happiness. I hope your 2014 is wonderful.

Happy New Year to You!

~m