Monday, April 14, 2014
Fight the Good Fight...
I've heard that phrase most of my life. I took it to heart and it means something to me, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only person fighting for this fight. It's difficult to give perspective to the question because it's wholly mine and if I open that can of worms you'll never actually get me back on track...
This is a notion that I've thought about. This fighting to hold on to, fighting to save, fighting for something I think is good. Maybe, I'm looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I am fighting this fight all by myself. If true, that's a shame because it answers another question, a question that I've been too afraid to ask myself (although I know I will have to ask it soon). I go back and forth never really understanding what I am looking at, what I am fighting for. The dream-like versions of good I have in my head, or the reality of it. Two very different things...two very different situations...both leaving my feeling helpless and stuck.
So, the question I'm asking of my self is do I continue to fight the good fight, even though I'm fighting it alone or do I just throw my hands up and walk away? Would anyone even notice?
Until Next Time,
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
This is my place.
This is the place to put down my thoughts
my place to shed my tears in the form of words.
This is my place to be me unexplained, pained and joyful
It's not about who reads it or why, it's about who writes it...me
An open book, a journal of my journey through good times and bad.
A peek into my mind, my heart and my soul.
My stories my be trivial, dumb and foolish, but they are mine
I am whole (or as whole as I can be) in this place
I am me here in fullness and understanding.
Some may take this journey with me, others may stop past on their own path
Either way, this place is truth, my truth
Hard, soft, cold and warm the truth of me and how I see life.
This is my place, this is me.
You're welcome to stay as long as you like or leave as fast as you've come.
I'll keep writing, keep crying, keep singing and keep dwelling here.
When I was 12 I started praying for the life I thought I'd have by now. The life I knew, even at 12, that I desperately wanted. I started to pray for my husband, for my children...my future family that I knew God would give me. At 12 there was no way you could tell me that I wouldn't have that family while I was looking down the barrel of my 35th birthday. You couldn't even tell me that at 19 or 25 and this time last year you couldn't tell me that I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams by now. That guy I've been praying for most of my life. But here am I 34, single and alone. No husband, no children, no life I've prayed for anywhere in sight. What I have is a roomate who drives me crazy, a job that doesn't want me, a life that isn't living and a God that doesn't hear me. What I have right now, is a pile of crap! That's it.
I often talk about that Big Things, the promises that God made to me, the things that He said he'd do that He, I don't know, chose not to do (THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY HIS TIMING IS PERFECT IS GETTING SLAPPED). These are them. The desires of my heart? To be a wife and mother, that's it. But I'm 34 and the older I get the less likely those things are. My Mother and Grandmother both had Hyster.... in their 30's, I have the same piping so I'll probably have to have it all ripped out soon. There goes that motherhood dream. What's the point of even wondering about a husband...I'm sure that guy I started praying for at 12 found someone else to marry...someone not so damaged. Trust me, in the last five years I've asked, begged and pleaded with God about when this all would happen. 2 years ago I thought I got an answer...turns out the joke was on me. The answer I got wasn't really an answer. It was the beginning of an obstacle course and everytime I think I've past through it He decides I"m not good enough and throws something else in my path. So I've given up.Yep...I did the thing you're not supposed to do. I decided to stop playing the game...what will it hurt? It's easier to stop playing then it is to keep hoping and walking around with a broken heart.
Some may mistakenly think that because I have people around me who are married and having babies that that's why I feel this way. I don't compare this journey of mine to others, because I don't want their lives. I don't want their happiness. I want my own, I've been through too much not to get a happy end. Huh, a happy ending...what a laugh. I've always been someone elses punching bag, that's all I'm good for so why would I get a happy ending? Why would I get the desires of my heart? Why would I get the Big Things...I wouldn't and I won't.
At the end of my life when I'm looking back at my pain (cause that's all I'll have) I'll know if it was worth it or not to stop playing this game with God. I'll see whether giving up on ever getting the desires of my heart was the right thing to do or not. Maybe I'll feel different, maybe I'll regret it all. But that's then, right now I can't bare being told that all I need to do is this or that...because I know that at the end of that my happines won't be there....it'll never actually come. My prayers won't be answered, that 12 year old girl who's praying and hoping for a wonderful life will only get pain and she'll have to learn that that's all this life has for her. Even at 35.
Until Next Time,
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
I don't trust myself, I don't trust people. Not really! I trust a few people with a few things. I don't have alot of friends because I always feel myself a burden to them. An ackward menance that doesn't really fit in. The odd man out and no matter what others may say I always have (and will) feel that way. I don't value myself enough to think that anyone else would value me in the slightest. It's that, that leads itself to my thoughts on Sunday. I've already posted about shifting my focus, but there's something else that came up.
"When you start thinking things of people, you start thinking them of God"
This statement is so true to my life. If I don't trust people, the people who've shown me that I can trust them in the practicle everyday things then how am I going to trust God in those same things? I don't trust and I'm too afraid to be let down to hope. Everyone has let me down in some way (and I'm sure I've let everyone down too), so I have a hard time really allowing myself to trust people. My faith and trust have come and gone. I'm cynical about EVERYTHING. I wasn't always like that, in fact, I wasn't like that a year ago today. No, this cynical side has slowly emerged out of the year I've had. The year that was supposed to be amazing wasn't and God, who was supposed to come through on the big things, didn't. I sat back and waited, I watched, I hoped and had faith and none of the big things, none of the promises happened. So now I'm sitting here with no hope, barely any faith and no trust that God will ever come through on the big things....
This is when someone throws out the "HIS TIMING IS PERFECT". Maybe they're right, maybe His timing is perfect. And maybe when I'm 80 and He decides it's the perfect time for the big things, when I'm half dead, I'll be so ridiculously grateful that I'll start to sprout that line too. Has anyone ever thought that people say that because they've already experienced all those answered prayers, so for them they aren't waiting anymore...and they think that when they got it it was perfect so it'll be perfect for those still waiting? Or maybe that's just what you say when you have nothing else for the person standing in front of you wondering why God gave up.
That's where I am. I don't trust people, I don't trust God. My hope is gone, my faith is almost non-existant and I'm trapped in a life that is a series of hits and misses...I get hit, then I miss. I can ask when is any of it going to work out for me and I'll get the "His timing is perfect" line in return, but that's not an answer. Because I can't get an answer I've come up with my own. For the last six months its been this... "It's never going to work out for me because I'm here to be everyone elses punching bag." The girl that is awkward, the girl that doesn't trust, the girl who will never get the promises because God gave up. I'm secondary...my happiness, my heart are meaningless. So why do I even try to fight for it, when in the end I'll just be let down?
That's why I don't have any trust.
Until Next Time,
We've all done damage to other people, whether intentional or not. To say that you haven't inflicted some type of damage onto someone else is dumb and wrong. I don't think the majority of sane, reasonable people do this damage on purpose, but they do do it.
On Sunday, I was thinking about some of the damage that I've held onto for the past year or so. The damage that I, as much as I want to, can't seem to let go of. It's damage that was put on me unitentionally (at least I think it was unitentionally), but it was also inflicted by a damaged person. And it's us damaged folks who inflict and cause the most damage in others. This person turned into someone truly selfish when it came to me and my decisions. They couldn't see past their own agenda and needs to order to be supportive. I'm not sure the reason why this keeps popping up in my mind, maybe it's because it was unexpected and maybe it's because it was so sad to experience. When I needed this person they chose to not stand by me. They decided that they would instead try to diswayed me from following my heart.
It's funny how you can see people's agenda in your life when you look back on it. The person was all for me moving, but just not for me moving away. All for me getting out from under the thumb of my parents, but not really for me branching out to be where I wanted to be. Their agenda for me was to become independant, but just a bit...because they still wanted me to depend on them. Once I told them I was going they didn't want to even really acknowledge it. It was like just any other conversation. I wasn't hurt, I knew it would go that way, but I was sad. Sad because it felt a lot more like a loss than like a happy farewell.
All that happened in 2013, it's now 2014 and I'm still thinking about it. Maybe it's something I was always think about. Maybe it's something that I'm trapped in because of second guessing or maybe I'm just a sucker for blaming others. I can tell you one thing, it would have been nice to share this part of my journey with them. It would have been nice to have conversations and to lean on them like I use to, but that relationship isn't what it use to be. Maybe that's my fault, for not playing by the rules they set for me. Or maybe it's no ones fault and they were only set to be in my life for that period of time. Whatever it is...this is where I stand in it.
Until Next Time,
Monday, March 31, 2014
That was the message at church yesterday. It was a good message and it gave me something to think about. The truth of life, my life, is this...I dwell on the things I do not have, instead of the things/blessings I do have.
For the past few weeks I've been telling myself to tweet what I'm grateful for just one thing a day, for myself. A declaration of my life's blessings, instead of all the negatives I point out. The things I frequently overlook. I haven't done it...although I think about it regularly I have yet to put down my thankfulness into words. While sitting in church yesterday listening to this message I thought again about starting to do this. It occurred to me that it wouldn't just be about declaring to the world that I was thankful for things, but it was also a way to shift my focus to the positives I have in my life. I wouldn't just be declaring these things to the world, but also to myself.
There are things that must change, things I know only I can change...like the way I look at things, the way I react to things and the way I choose to look at the life I have around me. Really, I have so many things to be grateful for...so many things that I take for granted that I shouldn't. Its time for me to stopped looking at all the negatives and time to start enjoying the blessings. Blessings that I've been lucky enough to be given and stupid enough to take for granted.
I'm still thinking on yesterday's message, I'm still praying and wondering and growing based on one short sentence...Shift Your Focus. It's going to take some time and it will be a daily course correction, but I will try...try to see the glass overflowing instead of the glass half empty.
Until Next Time.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
This statement, which is clearly something I struggle to achieve, is part of a series of "cosmic prompts" I've been receiving lately. All the prompts have been in the forms of quotes or other people's writings (which I guess are the same are quotes, duh), but they've all centered around being happy, being thankful and letting the past not dictate the future. As much as I've enjoyed these little ditties I've also had a hard time actually coming to grips with them. The question is always the same...why won't I allow myself to be happy? Just happy in the circumstances I'm in. My life isn't perfect or pretty, but it could be a lot worse.
So why is it that I choose to live in this hole that I'm consistently digging deeper? I'm not sure, I guess I could use the mindset my father uses...that the whole wide world is against me. But the whole wide world doesn't know I exist, so why would it make the effort. I could also make the argument that God's against me, but I don't believe that. I am, however, still struggling with whether or not He actually cares about what I'm feeling (that's the truth, seriously it's a true deep struggle I'm trying to work through because in all honesty it doesn't feel like He gives two cents about how I'm feeling). I could also, make the argument that life is unfair and therefore my life...in it's entirety, is a result of that...but still through abuse (in many forms), emotional scars and loneliness I am in a better place than a lot of others. So, why don't I chose to be happy?
I guess, and this is just me thinking off the cuff, it's because I'm too focused on what I don't have instead of being focused on what I do have, the good things in life. There are alot of things I want (and have waited for), but for whatever reasons I haven't gotten them yet. So my struggles kind of center around those. Still, in placing my thoughts on the things I don't have I'm missing the happiness that's around me, I'm missing the life that's flowing past me. I'm missing out period!
So, I'm going to try my best to be happy...I'm choosing it everyday...it'll be a struggle, but I think it'll be worth it. At least I hope it will be...
Until Next Time
If One is Out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well.
BE YOURSELF: No One can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.
~James Leo Herlihy
Now it is a funny thing about life, if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
~W. Somerset Maugham
The Longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
Be a FIRST rate version of yourself, insteaf of a second rate version of somebody else.
When nothing is sure EVERYTHING is possible.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
I don't think I've done one of these in a while, but there are so many new shows I'm watching I thought I should just comment on them. I won't go too in depth on the shows, but just give my commentary and thoughts. It'll be quick (I think)...
The story of Mary, Queen of Scots' time as a teenager in the French Court about to marry the Dauphin. This show is not historically accurate, if that's what your looking for then don't watch this. It is however, intriguing, fun and full of pretty people in pretty clothes. It's a teenage soap opera...would do you expect. It also happens to be my latest obsession!
This is a fun show...very supernatural, very historical (and I think they're trying to be as accurate as possible, but without shoving it down your throat). Although it's already on Hiatus, I cannot wait for next season! Ichabod was brought back to life in the present day to destory the recently awoken horseman (who just happens to be the Angel, or Demon of Death...the first horseman of the apocalypse). Ichabod also discovers that his wife's a witch trapped in a parallel deminsion and in order to set things right and get her back he has to destory the "Head" demon out to bring about the apocalyse. He's also teamed up with an Female Lt. (Sheriff's deputy) who's trying her best to get him aclimated to the present. It's fun and keeps you on the edge of your seat...it'll also have you jumping out of your seat and running to turn the lights back on.
All I have to say is JJ Abrams...but then there's also Karl Urban. Too men I love, whose work I'll watch. I didn't know about this one, but it's a Bad Robot production so I had to give it a try. I'm enjoying it so much! It's funny...a buddy cop show with a twist. Set in the near future, where technology has grown and is running a muck. This show gives us a glimpse of the possiblities we are only starting to experience in everyday life...the good and the bad of it. Again, it's funny and interesting.
This one isn't new, but after a 2 year break it might as well be. We finally found out how Sherlock faked his death (not really). Mary Watson is introduced, we met a new villian and see the old gang again. Sherlock, of course, has some great moments. Watson kicks Sherlock's butt and Mycroft is a whiner! Also, we meet Mr. and Mrs. Holmes aka Mikey and Sherley's parents. At only 3 episodes a season it was over before it really started and again left us with a great cliffhanger. I cannot wait til season 4. Side note: Mary Watson is played by Dr. Watson (Martin Freeman)'s real life partner and Sherlock's parents are played by Sherlock(Benedict Cumberbatch)'s parents.
This show (also on hiatus) was the one I was most excited about. From all the previews this show was going to be great, but the previews were the only thing great about it. It had so much potential, but just failed to keep me interested. When I finally finished up the season(thanks to my DVR and on Demand) I felt somewhat happy with the way it ended...I mean it was wrapped up nicely (for what it was). They ended up with a tease, but I'd be really surprised if ABC gives it a second season.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.:
Last, but not least is this gem. Another by a man I'd walk through fire for (well, not really but I'm deeply devoted to his work) Joss Whedon. It's a Marvel show, that hints at Marvel characters and is set in the Marvel universe, but it's its own enitity. I'm enjoying the ride...so far it's been fun and interesting. Also enjoyable are the name drops (of Marvel characters or gags) and the surprise cameos...my favorite so far is Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) yelling at Coulsen for damage done to the "Bus" (airplane). Oh...and yeah COULSEN! He's alive, but because the Avengers don't know it he (and the show) are staying separate...for now.
So that's it...the new shows I've been watching this season. I'm enjoying them all and hope to continue to enjoy them into the future.
Until Next Time!