Saturday, December 29, 2012

Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!

  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.

 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

Friday, December 28, 2012

Save

  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality. 
    

I am a Christian

I'm an adult damn it!


  I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but if it has...you know it can be very frustrating.
  I started going to church faithfully about 14 years ago. I'm not talking occasion youth activities or helping out at kids camp (which is something I'd previously done). I'm talking about actively attending every Sunday, being on the worship team, helping out at events. Being a productive member of the congregation. My family wasn't involved because they didn't do church. They'd come to the occasional event if I sang, but other than that their Sundays were spent in bed watching TV.
  Although, I was the youngest adult person the in congregation (for a long time it went from me DIRECTLY TO KIDS, no teens in sight), I was thought of as my own person. I was looked at as Melanie and when my family came they were Melanie's family. Well, then my parent's started to attend the church and I quickly became Randal and Shirley's daughter Melanie. The individuality that I had has all but disappeared. Truthfully, some of that falls on me... I took a job where I worked on Sundays and the Sundays I didn't work, I was too tried to attend service. Then after I left that job, my heart really wasn't into going to church. And in all honesty, as much as I've tried since...my heart is not into this church any longer. In these few years of inconsistent attendance the church has grown immensely. Most people only know my parents, so I can see how the tables have turned and my ever present parents now take the lead position in the family...that's fine. What's not fine is the blanket disregard for me as a complete individual. Now, I'm only Randal and Shirley's daughter. If someone needs to give me a message they go through my parents instead of say...call, email, text, or facebook me. If I tell someone something that I don't intend everyone on the planet to know at some point one of the my parents casually strolls in to reveal what they know...like it's no big deal. I have been reduced to that of a 5 year old who needs their parents permission to participate in life. It's very frustrating, very belittling and very very unnecessary.
  Regardless of whether or not this "treating me like a child" phase had started or not, it was very much becoming a burden to go to church with my parents where I had established my own identity anyway. We are all slightly different from what our families know...when we are in the world away from our families we are different, we just are. Immediately my parent's wiped that identity away and replaced it with what they know me as. As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I tried to shine in my own way...they laid on me what they always do. Tried to change me like they always do, instead of just allowing me to be.
  Now, this church is very much theirs and not so much mine. In truth, I've moved on from it. My heart no longer longs to be there or with those people. As much as I love them and that place, because of the time spent there and how much I grew while there...there's a burden there that I neither want or need. So it's time for me to move on...it's funny because I think that the people who want me there are only wanting that for selfish reasons. I think that even on the day I start to attend the church (the true place my heart longs to be) they will still wonder why I left...but they won't ever really understand my need to stand on my own and to be in a place for myself...not just because it's the place I've always been. It feels like I've grown and the church has as well, but we've grown in two different directions and no longer fit together.
   But I do have to say that it would be nice to be treated like I'm an adult and not just someones child. Because when I'm looked at that way I'm reduced to something that's only one tiny part of me.

    Until Next Time!

      ~m

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I am...


  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...

   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Life's Not a Compeition pt 2


  I refuse to compete for your affections...

  I now know where I stand and that place is not where it should be.

  No bitterness just hurt...

  You'll never actually understand because you don't see the error...

   I refuse to play second fiddle...

   I deserve more than that...

   I will not compete for something that you can't give...

   Life's not a competition...

   I'm done...

   The end!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Life's not a competition


 
    I'm no longer going to settle for less than I deserve. No longer will I stand on the sidelines wondering and waiting. No longer will I chase and give all of myself because that's what you need. You see, I'm worth more than that...I'm worth more than being someones second. Because I was made to be someones first...

    I've always had trouble with the notion that I'm worthy...of anything. Love, support, help, love and forgiveness...but above all love. Since I was young I've told my parents (unapologetically) that they were required to love me so saying it didn't really mean much. That's always been how I felt about it. So much so, that I've been willing to share sooo much more of myself than some people really deserve. I'm loyal to a fault...even when I know that I should have walked away a while ago, I'm still here being loyal...being used!
     For me loyalty is a BIG deal. It's not just about friendship or family, it's about trust. It's about having someones back through thick and thin. It's about being there even when you don't agree with the actions being taken, but you're there because the other person needs you. There are few people in my life that have been that loyal to me...and I am now facing the reality that one more person's loyalty has faltered. Now, when I look back at it all...I see that there was never actually any there from the start. It's a sad process to go through, when you realize that what you thought you had was really a lie, not only a lie, but a lie you created, developed and nurtured all by yourself. You really are left sitting wondering "what else have I been lying to myself about?" But is that my real problem...no, although it is apart of it....
    See, the problem is being in the relationship/friendship in the first place. Knowing in my gut that something was wrong from the beginning. Knowing, seeing, acknowledging (but not fully acknowledging) that I was in a one sided relationship and that everything I was being and giving for the other person wasn't being reciprocated. Chasing a friendship I thought I needed because I thought I needed it...when in turn God was (and already had) provided me with wonderful relationships. I changed to be more like the person I was trying to be a friend to and turned into someone less like myself. I started to want, to look for and to try and achieve things that I didn't care about before because that would give us something in common. In truth, we have very little in common nothing more than I  would with someone who happens to work in the same building as me. It wasn't until I took time to step away and look at myself that I saw that everything I didn't really like about myself stemmed from me trying to fit into a mold of my own making. That's my fault (no one else to blame, no one else to be mad at). So after realizing that trying to change myself was not only making me unhappy, but was in fact, changing me into everything I don't like in others. That's when I saw what this truly was...
    I was a girl, who never really felt a strong sense of self, love or worthiness trying to find it in someone who never actually had any of those things to give in the first place. I was trying to fit into a place where I could be more like them and I became less like myself. I failed and was lost...but now, finally I see that I don't need to try and fit into that mold...I don't need to try and be that person anymore...I don't need to chase. What I need is someone to chase me.

   I want to feel wanted, appreciated, loved and respected. Worthy of all of this life I have in me...worthy of the breath in my lungs.

   So if you don't want to acknowledge my sacrifice, my selflessness because you're too busy being blinded by your own selfishness then I can't help to acknowledge that my loyalty is shifting and you aren't on the downward end of the scale.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My "Light"


  In the last 10 years or so I've had a few people tell that they see in something in me. My light, I've been told, is something that can draw people in and I should shine this light and use it for God. I've always wondered about this "light" and why only certain people see it. I can be cynical (which I'm becoming more and more) and say that these folks all had some hidden agenda...that if I followed their lead and allowed my light to shine in the direction they suggested that they would actually gain from it too. But that's too simple...that's not going to give me the answers to my questions.

   What questions you may ask...well here's they are....What's this light? Where is it exactly and how are only a handful of people seeing it and not everyone around me (ironically, as I finished writing the sentence the answer popped into my head)? I want to see the light in myself...to know it's there and see in myself what others see in me. I often wonder what makes me the type of person to attract the people I have around me? Because even though, they're silly, crazy and a bit too much...they are amazing in so many different ways. And though there aren't many, the ones I keep close are an eclectic group from many backgrounds, beliefs and walks of life. So, what is it? Is it a light that draws them to me...me to them? Is there something that I cannot possibly see because I'm too blinded by questions and disbelief? Or is this light just an illusion or those who are trying to get me to be apart of their team?

  Since I second guess everything, I'm sure I'll never truly know or understand the answer. And even then I may still second guess it. I'm sure those people, like all that are in my life (whether for a long or short time), are put there by God. They're only telling me the things He wants me to hear and know...it's up to me to take the leap of faith and believe them...but it's just so hard to believe that I can do anything or be worthwhile enough to even have a light that people can see. I still wake up and wonder why people want me around.

   That's my dilemma, those are my questions and this is the end of my post.

   Until Next Time,

    ~m

I think he's hitting on me, but that can't be right...


  A couple months ago I puzzled several peeps on fb by telling them that I thought a gay guy was hitting on me. There is are reasons for this and the comment came after months of comments on his part...finally I sat down and thought about it (since I wouldn't know if I guy was hitting on me even if he literally hit me) and came to the conclusion that yes, indeed, he was hitting on me. Which I found gross, uncomfortable and very confusing.

  So here's why I came to such a conclusion...first off within the first month of meeting him he told me that my breasts were amazing...I laughed it off and took it as a compliment, but ever since he feels the need to make some type of comment about them...so far as to once make the squeezing motion with his hands (I just walked away from him because I didn't know what else to do, I felt very violated). I've been told that my breasts are amazing before by gay guys cause they are oddly fascinates by boobs (but that's another story), so I didn't find that odd...but he's continued gawking and comments are a bit much.
  Next up, one day he ran his hand down my arm (he's a toucher. He touches everyone and anyone who comes within inches of him so at first this didn't bug me) he commented how soft my skin is and now every time I am wearing a sleeveless shirt he runs his hand down my arm and makes a shiver motion (yes, I'm about at wits end with that one).
  Finally, he started to talk about smoking weed...which is something I don't do, have never done and will never do. He said the side effects for him are that he becomes very horny (which was already too much info) then he went on to say if I was ever around him when he was getting high that I'd need to watch out cause he wouldn't be able to control himself. To which I promptly said "that'll never happen" then walked away.

  Those are my reasons for feeling the way I do and also for not wanting to deal with him any longer. It's very odd and even more unnerving and I'm quite frankly fed up and not really able to told my tongue on it anymore. So I'm just waiting for him to do or say something like that to me again so that I can put him in his place!

  Yes, I'm the girl who, oddly, has a gay guy hitting on her when the straight guy won't even look her way! smh, fml

  Until Next Time!

  ~m

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Good Quote



There comes a time in life when you walk away from all drama and people who create it.

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.

Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

It's a Rant...that's long over due



  My mom told me that I couldn't wear makeup until I was 15, which really wasn't a big deal to me. I went to a private jr. high school wear make up wasn't permitted and once I got into high school applying it took time that I could use to sleep (also I don't like mirrors or my face that much). So waiting until I was 15 wasn't a big deal to me. Once I turned 15...the very few times I wore makeup (usually friends putting mascara on me) she would have something negative to say about it.

"Are you wearing makeup?"

"Who told you you could do that?"

"It looks terrible! Go wash your face!"

  So, needless to say that just prolonged my non-interest in the subject. But once I started to actually get interested I asked her to help me...I asked her if she would teach me how to do my own makeup. To which I got a firm...

"I don't know how to do make up, you have to figure it out on your own" (she said this while applying makeup to her own face).

  I was there on my own trying to figure it out...luckily I went to my Mexican mom who helped. She was able to show me a different technique (I have large eye lids and a very small crease, so all the "standard" makeup applying techniques don't work for me). I was very happy and very lucky to have someone help me when the person I really needed the help from let me down. So...(and here's where the rant officially starts) about a year ago I complained to my mother about applying mascara...I have tiny eyelashes so it's very difficult to actually get mascara on them without getting it everywhere else...her response

"If you learned how to do it right it wouldn't be so hard"

  Really?!? Seriously?!? This from the woman who "couldn't" help me because she didn't know what she was doing is going to sit there and tell me that I'm doing it wrong...she's going to criticize me when she wouldn't lift a finger to teach me how to do it in the first place!

  Seriously!

  As you can see this has been on my mind ever since..and it pisses me off! Now, every time I apply mascara I think of that and every time it pisses me off. I mean, how can you possibly be so ridiculous in your comment...well, because I'm sure she doesn't remember making any of the comments to me when I was a teenager. In fact, if she read this she'd probably ask why I'm lying about it because she didn't say any of that stuff.

   But I'm not lying, why would I?? That makes even less sense than what she said.

   I'm not always sure what goes on in parent's heads (cause I'm not one), but I hope that I never just disregard my child, make them feel like crap, then blame them for something that I never took the time to help them with in the first place....

   to me that's just terrible parenting


   Okay, rant over! Until Next Time

   ~m

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Comparing Your Holiness



  The other day I discovered (through unashamed google stalking) that someone I'm kinda intimidated by is a Christian. Ever since finding out this information I've been running scenarios in my mind about how much better they probably are at being a Christian than I am....how much more spiritual and responsible they must be...and how I'm not.

   And after a few days of this I had to stop myself and ask..."why, are you doing this to yourself?" You see, as much as I try not to compare ourselves with those around us we sometimes find myself doing it when it comes to the type of Christian I am. I'm not the greatest Christian on earth and I probably never will be. But I strive (most times) to be the greatest Christian I can be. That's all I can ask of myself. My walk with God is unique, because my walk through life is unique, so why would I compare myself to others? Because I'm a big dork and it's in my nature. So, as I sit day after day and wonder about this person and their walk I'm failing to see what I should really be focusing on...my walk.

   Besides, Christians come in all different shapes and sizes. We come from different backgrounds and churches...we have different ways of looking at faith and what it means to be a Christian (think I'm wrong...look at the different TV preachers, see how different they are from each other). I know this and it's one of the things I love and hate about Christianity...so why would I even start to compare myself? Probably cause I'm intimidated...probably because I'm in a transition...probably because I feel slightly lost in all things called life. I mean...does being a good Christian mean you're holy? Does just being a Christian mean you're holy???

   Who defines what holy is anyway (I don't mean in the bible, I mean in our surroundings)?We all have flaws and issues and we all make mistakes so who among us is actually Holy? I know Catholics consider the Pope to be Holy (hey one of his names is Holy See). But I don't consider my pastor to be holy. He's a good man, but he makes mistakes and he has issues. There's no one I can think of in my life currently or in the past who I would consider Holy so why would I think someone was holier than me?
 
    Also, what a thing to put on a person...to judge them on their personal relationship with God and what that means to them by my own standards and for me to think they'd judge me based on theirs. Both situations are unfair and can lead to a very iffy discourse between you and whoever else is involved, especially because for me this whole situation is completely taking place in my own head...and I'll probably never have this conversation with this person.
 
    Basicly, I'm not sure why I would get myself so worked up about this...why I would even bother when I have so much more going on...I guess I'm just curious...

    And you know what they say about curiousity?
    
    Until Next Time!

Good Quotes

NEVER love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary

                                                                        -Oscar Wilde


Happiness is NOT the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

                                                                        -H. Jackson Brown


Stop being afraid of makin' moves! Do MORE! Fear LESS! Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

                                                                       -Rev Run


You make a living by what you make, but you make a life by what you give.

                                                                       -Satwant Signh Kaleka

Taking a Break and Enjoying It



  By chance, choice or just sheer laziness I have found myself in the middle of a break from my friendships...not all of them, but some of them. And you know what, I'm okay with it. I think that says a lot about where I am right now in my life. A year ago today I would have been dying to talk to some of these folks, but now I understand that what I need is time to myself. What I need is understanding in myself and in all honesty, what I need is something some of them can't give me.
   The winds of change are blowing in my direction and when they grow into tornadoes that lift me up and take me away some of these people won't understand. They won't be what, where or who I'll need to them be, so taking this time to readjust, reevaluate and re-envision the type of friendships I want is crucial to me.
    I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to hold on to things that just seem to pull away from me from time to time (which these friendships have done). It seems that at some point I would actually get the hint that God is the one orchestrating all of this for my own benefit. But I fight against it, because I'm afraid of the unknown...even if it's from God. Maybe with my new found trust and the obedience I'm trying to cultivate I should just step away completely and just let the winds of change carrying me to the new things and not look  back?
    Besides in these friendships, I've started to feel out of step and really out of place...so taking a step back and really removing myself feels good. I use to do this from time to time and wonder if the people missed me? If they even cared? Or if they had even stopped to wonder what happened to me. Not this time this time I'm clear and free of anything like that. This time the uncertainty isn't there...neither is the rejection that I've been feeling. So this break is a good thing, I'm carefree and high steppin'! Looking at it, I see the sadness and pain of it all, but it's not something that tugs on my heart (another sign I'm doing the right thing). So I'm sitting here...knowing God has something big in store for me...and whatever it is will bring new friendships. Friendships where I can truly be myself...friendships that will give me what I need and want. And friendships that can help me see the future I'd like to have.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Back to my Comfort Zone



   I tried...I have to say that's it's been a good run, I've given it a good few months and now I'm moving on. Before I go on to tell you the story I have to tell you this...I'm working. I've been working since June and although the job isn't permanent I've been extended here through the end of October. I work with my mom at a law firm and I've really enjoyed my time here.
   Because I work with my mom I have tried to step gently across this territory, but apparently I'm doing it wrong (at least, that has recently come to my attention). Since I've worked here I've eaten with her and others in the lunch room...which I HATE, but it's expected that I would want to spend all my free time with her and these other people so I go and sit there politely engaged in conversations that frustrate me and eat my lunch. Well, this morning I was told that I am being rude to her friend because I choose to read while I eat and in doing so I no longer talk or listen to their conversations. I read and eat and that's seen as rude because I am not answering questions when posed because I'm READING. Also, since I don't actually hear the question I'm being asked my reaction which is usually "what? or huh?" is being seen as rude. When in fact, if someone is politely and quietly reading isn't the person asking the question the rude one?
    This friend of my mother "has influence" so she (my mother) expects me to treat this friend with kindness and sit at her feet and wait for her to pat me on the head and ask me another stupid or very personal question (which she has done in the past). I'm at the point where I just can't win, so I'm choosing to get out of the game.

   You see, since I've started this journey into the great American workforce I've eaten lunch alone....I don't like to eat lunch with other people. I don't like to talk...I like to spend that time reading, listening to music, thinking, writing...I like to spend my time doing something productive and enjoying myself. I generally don't like to spend time eating lunch with others because they want to talk about work. On my FREE lunch hour I don't want to talk about work! I don't want to talk at all.
   Also, apparently there are spies all around you are watching me and taking notes about everything I do or say in the lunch room. You'd think that if I sit quietly and read there'd be nothing to "report", but I guess that's wrongs too. When I do talk I come across as a "know it all" and I get involved in conversations I'm not supposed to be in. So read, talking or watching TV I'm wrong no matter what I do. Guess, I should be happy she didn't tell me I eat badly (which I'm sure will come up at some point).

    So I've decided I'm done. I won't be eating lunch in that room with those people any more. I'll find another place to spend my free hour, where I won't offend anyone, where I can read in peace and where I'll expect to not be bother by stupid questions posed while I'm clearly doing something different. I'll spend my free hour not being watched by spies or offending my mother's "friend with influence". I'll spend it doing what I want to do...and I'll be happier about it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Why is it that people ask the dumbest questions when you need help or sympathy (or when you're not even speaking to them)?

Like if I walk into a room and say to my mother, my leg is really hurting and I don't know why. Then someone (not my mother) comes up with...Did you hit it, bump into something? Well if I had then I would know why it's hurting!!!

I just don't know why people a) Have to be all in the conversation b) ask stupid questions

Okay...rant over!

Have a good day!

~m

Thursday, September 06, 2012

I Don't Care (wrote this a while ago, but it's still relevent)


  That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...
  Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
   I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.

I don't care....

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record


  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Where Has My Joy Gone?


I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, but it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.

This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb was going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.

I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the normal. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.

This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my unhappiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.

No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.

It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

Being Truthful

   After having a long conversation with a friend the other day I realized something. My honesty gives me peace. I've had various conversations over the years with different friends and in all of them I've tried to be completely honest. Some of them are receptive...they see the honesty, accept it as my opinion or feelings and are okay with it. There's no malice, anger or sadness and overall, they take it in. Now, there are others in my life that I've been honest with and they don't accept it...don't understand it and just don't really take it in. Those are the people I tend to hurt for the most. However, after this conversation I understand that as long as I am honest as long as I am true to myself and our relationship then I am at peace with whatever may follow.
   We all have experiences in our lives that effect us in different ways. For me, I take on the problems, stresses, burdens and heartaches of the ones I love onto myself. I hurt with them...I cry with them and even if they don't know it I carry the burden with them. So I've come to the conclusion (after that conversation) that I am at peace with a certain situation because I've been honest throughout it. Even, when I had to summon up the courage to be truthful I've done it because in my heart I know I needed to. So looking back at the honesty, the encouragement and the love that I've shared over the past 10 years of this relationship I know that even though the person I care for has put themselves in a dire hole, I have stood by them truthfully and I can't hold on to the burden they've placed on their own shoulders.
   Hindsight is always 20/20, at least that's what they say...and most tend to look back and say, with regret, I should of said/done something about it then...it could of prevented what's happening now. I'm confident that in my being honest with people that I won't look back on things with regret...because I've said my peace and there is truly nothing more I can do about it. We all have a choice about what we can do in life...what we want out of life and how we choose to spend it. If I choose to have you in my life and to spend time with you then I owe it to you and myself to be honest about things. If I see you in trouble, or heading down that road I think I should speak up...try to let you see the bigger picture. It may not work, but why shouldn't I try?

  In the end there are things only the person who is in them can chose. I can't make anyone's final decisions on what to do. I can only hope they listen, just a little, about what I may suggest and advise. Most time it's you can do better...don't settle.

Friendships and Labels

I've been thinking about the state of my relationships...and how I have friends that have become like family and friends that haven't. The essence of most of my friendships have been built up over years and years and have turned into that most intimate of friendships, where the lines blur between my friends and my family. In fact, if you really want to see this in my life you need to look no further than my "Mexican Family" who I've know since 1993 and who've over time, become my second family Mother, Sisters, Brother, Aunts, Uncles, Grandma and Step-dad. There are no longer any lines to blur because they are my family. This has also (I've recently discovered) occurred with my friend Kristi and her family. I see her very much like a sister and less like just a friend everyday. 


Wait, before I continue...let me say that these are my feelings and if others don't feel that way toward me I'm okay with it...it's important that people know how I feel about them...and this is how I feel. I'm not doing this to ask for love in return.


  Okay, she (Kristi) has become like a sister to me...her family, like mine and my love for all of them just grows and grows. But there are some relationships...that even though I love the people I'm in them with, I don't look upon like family. In fact, I've questioned whether or not I could ever actually look at them like that. My answer was a hard no. Not hard as in inflexible, but hard as in it was a hard question to answer honestly. 
  We put labels on ourselves and the people around us...friends, family, best friend, acquaintance, parent, child...we apply these labels and most times don't allow them to be removed or replaced with anything else. I've found that although for some, I find it easy to replace those labels, for others the labels aren't something I want to replace...not one bit, not at all. 
   I've had a few best friends in my life and of the few only one would I consider family. But I've also known her since I was in 5th grade, so if she isn't family then she's a fungus I can't get rid of : ). The others are people who, though I love them, I don't see them as family. There are many reasons for this...but I think the biggest reason is the fact that I'm not able to confide in them the way I can with others. There are things that I wouldn't/won't share because I don't really believe they'll listen, care or want to know. For a best friend, that's a tough thing to say, but it's the reality and even though I know that they'd say that's not true, I see their reactions and body language tell a different story. I've never actually felt that I could really truly tell my best friends everything about me, my feelings, my problems, and show them my true deep self. In fact, I've always felt like there was some underlying competition on going, trivial....but still there and very present...at least to me. Every so often I'm actually surprised at how well they know me...but it's a fleeting feeling when I can't really bring myself to talk about it further.
   It's troubling, in someways, that I've viewed (and very much continue to do so) these relationships this way. It would be so much easier, simpler and nicer to think of these best friend relationships as more than that. But ultimately I keep them in that category to keep myself from the ultimate pain, heartbreak. Would I like to remove or replace this title and claim the best friend as a sister...to share and show myself wholeheartedly knowing that I'm supported and cared for? Yes, but that's easier said than done. It starts with the truth....and it never ends. Fights, love, anger, forgiveness, truth and openness...these are friendship....a family make. And without even one I can't see changing a friendship (best or not) into a family.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm really disappointed in the selfishness of some people. You don't want to be held accountable for ruining the things around you, you want everyone to cheer your bad decisions. Well you are going to regret this bed who've made because the bad is only going to get worse and when you need help the bridges you've burnt won't be there to carry you to it.

Friday, May 04, 2012

Randomness

I do most of my critical thinking while driving or taking a shower...weird, I know...but those are the places where I come up with all of these things I write about.

Race in the Pulpit

  On Sunday morning, on the way to church, my mom tuned the radio to KJLH (which our local R&B station and broadcasts several church services/sermons on Sundays). The Pastor that was speaking was on a diatribe about race. Now, let me say this...I understand the point he was trying to make. He was trying to say that race, creed and class don't matter to God and it shouldn't matter to us as God's people and Christ's followers. That's the point he was trying to make, but he went about it in a very round about way.
  He started off on a bit of a rant about race and how race is in this country. How all minorities are treated as less than and inferior. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with his opinion on the subject, that's not the point of this post. No, my point in this post is to point out how much I dislike when Pastors use their pulpits to talk about racial issues trying to insight some type of radicalism, racial tension or empowerment. Also, I want to show how he could of made his point without going off on the racial tangent. I do understand that the Civil Rights movement started in  the churches of the South and I appreciate that, but those Pastors were making specific points to get people out of the comfort zones to start a revolution. This Pastor, it seemed to me, was just trying to upset people and make a flimsy spiritual point. 
  See, I believe that real Christians...already know that all life is precious and means something to God...therefore it means something to us. We know that we are all equal in God's eyes and therefore we are all equal on earth. I believe this because these are the things the Holy Spirit shows us, this is the type of insight we get when we receive the HS in our lives. So to preach about it in a racial standpoint is just iffy to me. Let's face the true facts here...


Do we have racial problems in this country? Yes
Do we have class issues? Yes


  We've got problems...but they aren't just between Minorities and majorities. Within our own communities we have these issues (example, before then Senator Obama announced his campaign for the Presidency I saw a woman on BET say that if he became President he wouldn't be legitimate because he wasn't "black enough" being that he was half white and half African and not of actual African American descent. Therefore couldn't really grasp the plight of the African American and couldn't truly represent us.) Within our own races we look down on each other...you're too dark, too light, ghetto, white trash, a wetback etc. etc. we all do it. So for this Pastor to simply make it seem like it's a White against all minorities issues is ludicrous and wrong. 
  We are human, flawed, judgmental, dumb and jealous. We hate on or criticize others around us to make ourselves feel better. We put down others to feel superior...but WE aren't! The smartest of us know this...we don't see color, class, creed, sexual orientation or gender and we respect all. So the fact that this pastor couldn't get past his hang up on race to give a broader more direct message to his congregation is just really sad.
   What he should of been saying is something like this. As humans we all look around us and see what we want. We see ourselves better than those of lower socio-economical status or (in some cases) than people who have more money than us...because we'd don't more with our money to help to world. We take ourselves more serious then we should...we hoard our belongs and live in a state were material things are more important than the people around us. We all do it, but not one of us is better then anyone else. No matter what the society around us says or propagates we are all human...made in God's imagine and as such, loved by Him. We as, His followers should know, by the Holy Spirit, these truths. But as flawed humans we stumble and forget them...so the Holy Spirit has to remind us. It is our job, as His followers, to try EVERYDAY to show the world what is true...that no matter where you come from or what you have you are important, you are respected and you are loved. We are equally...none better than the other and we should all be treated that way.


   THAT WHAT HE SHOULD OF SAID...sadly, it's not.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Finding it...but it's too far away

  So I spent a lovely weekend with my friend (sister really) Kristi and my lil lamb a couple few ago. It was a fantastic weekend filled with train rides, baby kisses, Lord of the Rings and an Irish Pub. But what it also featured was my visit to The City Church, which is the church Kristi's in laws (Jacquie and Randy) attend. Now, I must say Jacquie has been trying to get me to visit the church for over a year now and this was the first opportunity to actually visit (she wants me to become an intern there, which would force me to move to Ventura). Of course, she wasn't there and neither were the Pastors or any of the interns she insisted that Kristi introduce me to...but I digress. I walked into the church with an open mind. I didn't know what I was going to see. The fact is that although I've been searching for the church that fits me perfectly for a long time...I know that what I really want came and went out of my life a long time ago. So, I walked in not knowing what type of music, sermon or atmosphere I was going to encounter. I must say that I was surprised, inspired and overjoyed by what I experienced that Sunday. It did me good to be there and to see it...because I don't think I would have believed how much I'd enjoy my short time there without actually experiencing it for myself.
   The music was in a style I enjoyed and the speaking (although she was a guest) was wonderful. I laughed, cried and sang my heart out. It was an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed and when it was all over, it felt like it ended way too soon. I felt like that was where I was supposed to be...really I know it's weird and I've been trying to find reasons (excuses) to move up to VC for years...and of course God would use this church to give me more insight into that thought process. Knowing, as He does, about my hunt and prayers for a different church He lead me right into it...then promptly asked, "So what are you gonna do about it?"
    So what am I gonna do about it...finally finding what I want but it's 70 miles away? 
We spent almost 3 whole weeks without Internet and phone service due to a lapse in judgement by our neighbors...as a result I was bored senseless...but I felt the need to write. Even though I love the feel of putting pen to paper I just couldn't really bring myself to write that way. I wanted to type away and let my thoughts come flooding out through the music of tapping keys. However, after being overwhelmed by the sense that I could no longer contain or control the thoughts running through my head I finally sat down to write...it was a relief, but somehow shallow...


 And now that I've returned to the world of the Net, now that my hands are again connected to the keys I have nothing in my head to write about...sad

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Colour Barriers pt 2

  I think I've always secretly wondered if I was missing out on something because I don't have any black friends...never really have. I know there are lots of factors/reasons why I've never been around lots of black people (outside my family and even then, that's not alot) and why I've never had any black friends. I understand it all, but that hasn't kept me from wondering. Wondering what it would be like, how different my world view and opinions would be.


  Let's get one thing clear...I'm not talking about living in the black bubble or anything like that. I'm just wondering about the black experience the way I've never been able to view it before. My experience through life has been much more focused on being a girl, being a daughter, being the eldest child and being a Christian...and even though I've been black through all these things, my life hasn't been about that. A couple weeks ago my friend said "if you marry a white guy your kids won't have much of the black experience" (well that's a paraphrase). I guess that's true, but my response was..."I don't know how to be black, I know how to be me". Me is the black girl who'd rather watch Futbol and NASCAR than Basketball. I'd rather listen to English Pop than Rap. But that's me...and if I'm lucky enough to have kids...they'll get me.


  It brings me back to the experience of living the life I'd see in a Tyler Perry movie...sure there are white people in the shadows, but the main cast is black. There experience is different from mine. It's not good, bad or ugly...just different and my curious brain wonders what that world and experience would be like. 


  What would I be like?

Colour Barriers pt 1

  This whole Trayvon Martin situation has got me thinking...again, about the friends I have around me and the people I tend to gravitate to. Since race has been in the news so much (I've even seen race attributed to the reason why Tim Tebow gets so much attention) I can't help but take a look at how I feel about race and how it effects my life. Quite honestly, although I don't think about race or allow race to influence my everyday actions there have been times in my life where I know I'm being judged by the color of my skin and the texture of my hair. It's a fact that in this country people are conditioned to believe certain things about certain people. That's fine (here's my opinion on it  here). I know that my parents feel a certain way about how, as black people, my brother and I should act. I also know that I worry everyday about my brother as a young black man walking about this city. But I don't lead my life in the "everything that happens is about my race" mentality. Do I think everything happens for a reason...sure, but I don't believe that reason is the color of my skin.
   The truth about me is that I come from a family that's been truly integrated in all ways. I have aunts who've been White and Mexican and I'm pretty sure my brother is going to marry an Asian girl. My parents grew up in the same neighborhood I did and have always been surrounded by a mix of peoples...and so I have. I don't think about race because the only times I've ever felt uncomfortable because I'm black have occurred in places that weren't my typical areas (Yucaipa, Idaho and once in Ventura) other than that, in my little bubble of East LA, I am comfortable. My brain doesn't immediately jump to conclusions because I wasn't raised to think that other races were out to get me. But I feel like I'm in the minority. I feel like I've missed alot because I live in this state of perpetual racial ignorance, could this be true, could I be completely over thinking this or could I be living in a my own world where none of this really matters?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Uncomfortable At Church

 About a year ago I noticed something weird. I was sitting in church and this person across the sanctuary stared at me the entire time. I could feel their eyes on me and every time I looked their way, they were indeed looking directly at me. I shrugged it off as a fluke and went about my church going business. I did asked my mother who this person was, cause I honestly didn't know, and explained the situation to her. She told me who this person was then completely dismissed my feelings (as she always does) saying that maybe this person just wanted to ask me something...from across the church throughout an hour and a half church service...okay?. Over the next few months, however, this person continue their staring ways, staring at me at pretty much every instance they could. Never actually speaking to me when I thought they might (in fact it seemed they were just walking toward me to get a closer look). Eventually it started to freak me out. So, instead of causing some type of scene or complaining about it. I just chose to ignore this persons ridiculous actions.
  Fast forward to two weeks ago...my mother tells me that she has finally witnessed this behavior and that she thought it was a little weird. She said she thought this person wanted to say something to me (because I sang a solo during the service) but they never actually opened their mouth, just stood there staring. I'm at a loss...it's been a year and I'm still awkward...it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable and although I ignore it, I can't help but wonder who else has not only noticed this, but maybe experienced it. I don't think this person is bad or will try to harm me, but  I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm in God's house trying to worship.


   What do you think I should do?

Monday, February 20, 2012

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"

~Martin Luther Kings, Jr.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

You Need Jesus

 Do we, as Christians, use the "you need Jesus" card to often and to rashly? I find that I use it often and every time I do I'm convicting myself more than anyone else, because I don't spend enough time with Him.


 It seems like this is the simplest way to dismiss someone's problems. Instead of really listening we say, "oh they just need Jesus" and in a way we elevate ourselves above them. Because of that, we become Pharisees. Many may argue, well that person does need Jesus...but those people are missing the point. Jesus, in his physical body, was here over 2000 years ago...he left behind his words, stories and Holy Spirit, but the act of the physical he left up to His followers. We are the ones who are supposed to use our arms to comfort, use are hands to protect and use our feet to guide others into the "family". But before we can do any of these we must listen...we must find out what exactly is needed of us and if we're dismissing the words before we really listen to them then are we doing what Jesus is expecting?


  To me, the obvious answer is no. How can we? Not only are we dismissing them, but we're neglecting them...we're rejecting them. These people who need an ear, a shoulder or just a reassuring smile. How can we give them any of that when we want to move on to something else so quickly. 


SideNote: This past Sunday my pastor said this... "compassion does not work without touch"

The Neighbor



  We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
   First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale. Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to buy several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen, but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. When she noticed this my mother stomped around the house complaining, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this. 
    Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope, I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore does not realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated I said since my parents and too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
     I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and notice a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan (which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work). The old couch is a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved...that's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living...
    My parents complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" we'll people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.


Is this how Hoarders start?

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Your Shine

  Do not let anyone take your spark away.


  We all have something inside of us that motivates us to move, to live, to enjoy life and the world around us. But for all that motivation sometimes we fall short. Sometimes we just want to not get out of bed. We all go through it, some more than others, but lots of times we come across these moments largely due to other people interference. 


   We try to blame ourselves, but usually it's someone or thing that sprinkles doubt into our self-conscience and before we know it we're doubting ourselves, our abilities and our purpose. So I say don't let anyone take your spark, your shine, your motivation. Don't let the doubts and whispers in...don't allow the inner demons you struggle with get the best of you.


    There is more to you than even you know, you're stronger than you think you are and ultimately you can do things and touch people that no one else can. So trudge on, even if it's a struggle, don't linger in bed for too long....


    The world is waiting for your shine.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Dear God

Help me find my watch...I've been looking for it for so long now. I'd really like to find it and wear it again. That would be super awesome! Amen




I probably should be praying for a job, but I really want to find my watch!

The Neighbor



  We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons, but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
   First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale. 
   Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to by several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen (because she was waiting on my dad's okay) but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. My mother stomped around the house complaining about this development, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor, because those plants belong to us now". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this. 
    Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope. I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore doesn't realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated, I said since my parents are too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
     I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and noticed a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan...which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work. See it's a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved. That's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living room...
    My parents number one complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" well people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.
    Is this how Hoarders start?


    Back to the neighbor. He's trying to beautify his area...unlike us, so I can't really blame him or fault him if he doesn't know about the property lines. But to my parents (mother really) that doesn't matter. Ugh