Life's not a competition

 
    I'm no longer going to settle for less than I deserve. No longer will I stand on the sidelines wondering and waiting. No longer will I chase and give all of myself because that's what you need. You see, I'm worth more than that...I'm worth more than being someones second. Because I was made to be someones first...

    I've always had trouble with the notion that I'm worthy...of anything. Love, support, help, love and forgiveness...but above all love. Since I was young I've told my parents (unapologetically) that they were required to love me so saying it didn't really mean much. That's always been how I felt about it. So much so, that I've been willing to share sooo much more of myself than some people really deserve. I'm loyal to a fault...even when I know that I should have walked away a while ago, I'm still here being loyal...being used!
     For me loyalty is a BIG deal. It's not just about friendship or family, it's about trust. It's about having someones back through thick and thin. It's about being there even when you don't agree with the actions being taken, but you're there because the other person needs you. There are few people in my life that have been that loyal to me...and I am now facing the reality that one more person's loyalty has faltered. Now, when I look back at it all...I see that there was never actually any there from the start. It's a sad process to go through, when you realize that what you thought you had was really a lie, not only a lie, but a lie you created, developed and nurtured all by yourself. You really are left sitting wondering "what else have I been lying to myself about?" But is that my real problem...no, although it is apart of it....
    See, the problem is being in the relationship/friendship in the first place. Knowing in my gut that something was wrong from the beginning. Knowing, seeing, acknowledging (but not fully acknowledging) that I was in a one sided relationship and that everything I was being and giving for the other person wasn't being reciprocated. Chasing a friendship I thought I needed because I thought I needed it...when in turn God was (and already had) provided me with wonderful relationships. I changed to be more like the person I was trying to be a friend to and turned into someone less like myself. I started to want, to look for and to try and achieve things that I didn't care about before because that would give us something in common. In truth, we have very little in common nothing more than I  would with someone who happens to work in the same building as me. It wasn't until I took time to step away and look at myself that I saw that everything I didn't really like about myself stemmed from me trying to fit into a mold of my own making. That's my fault (no one else to blame, no one else to be mad at). So after realizing that trying to change myself was not only making me unhappy, but was in fact, changing me into everything I don't like in others. That's when I saw what this truly was...
    I was a girl, who never really felt a strong sense of self, love or worthiness trying to find it in someone who never actually had any of those things to give in the first place. I was trying to fit into a place where I could be more like them and I became less like myself. I failed and was lost...but now, finally I see that I don't need to try and fit into that mold...I don't need to try and be that person anymore...I don't need to chase. What I need is someone to chase me.

   I want to feel wanted, appreciated, loved and respected. Worthy of all of this life I have in me...worthy of the breath in my lungs.

   So if you don't want to acknowledge my sacrifice, my selflessness because you're too busy being blinded by your own selfishness then I can't help to acknowledge that my loyalty is shifting and you aren't on the downward end of the scale.

My "Light"

  In the last 10 years or so I've had a few people tell that they see in something in me. My light, I've been told, is something that can draw people in and I should shine this light and use it for God. I've always wondered about this "light" and why only certain people see it. I can be cynical (which I'm becoming more and more) and say that these folks all had some hidden agenda...that if I followed their lead and allowed my light to shine in the direction they suggested that they would actually gain from it too. But that's too simple...that's not going to give me the answers to my questions.

   What questions you may ask...well here's they are....What's this light? Where is it exactly and how are only a handful of people seeing it and not everyone around me (ironically, as I finished writing the sentence the answer popped into my head)? I want to see the light in myself...to know it's there and see in myself what others see in me. I often wonder what makes me the type of person to attract the people I have around me? Because even though, they're silly, crazy and a bit too much...they are amazing in so many different ways. And though there aren't many, the ones I keep close are an eclectic group from many backgrounds, beliefs and walks of life. So, what is it? Is it a light that draws them to me...me to them? Is there something that I cannot possibly see because I'm too blinded by questions and disbelief? Or is this light just an illusion or those who are trying to get me to be apart of their team?

  Since I second guess everything, I'm sure I'll never truly know or understand the answer. And even then I may still second guess it. I'm sure those people, like all that are in my life (whether for a long or short time), are put there by God. They're only telling me the things He wants me to hear and know...it's up to me to take the leap of faith and believe them...but it's just so hard to believe that I can do anything or be worthwhile enough to even have a light that people can see. I still wake up and wonder why people want me around.

   That's my dilemma, those are my questions and this is the end of my post.

   Until Next Time,

    ~m

I think he's hitting on me, but that can't be right...

  A couple months ago I puzzled several peeps on fb by telling them that I thought a gay guy was hitting on me. There is are reasons for this and the comment came after months of comments on his part...finally I sat down and thought about it (since I wouldn't know if I guy was hitting on me even if he literally hit me) and came to the conclusion that yes, indeed, he was hitting on me. Which I found gross, uncomfortable and very confusing.

  So here's why I came to such a conclusion...first off within the first month of meeting him he told me that my breasts were amazing...I laughed it off and took it as a compliment, but ever since he feels the need to make some type of comment about them...so far as to once make the squeezing motion with his hands (I just walked away from him because I didn't know what else to do, I felt very violated). I've been told that my breasts are amazing before by gay guys cause they are oddly fascinates by boobs (but that's another story), so I didn't find that odd...but he's continued gawking and comments are a bit much.
  Next up, one day he ran his hand down my arm (he's a toucher. He touches everyone and anyone who comes within inches of him so at first this didn't bug me) he commented how soft my skin is and now every time I am wearing a sleeveless shirt he runs his hand down my arm and makes a shiver motion (yes, I'm about at wits end with that one).
  Finally, he started to talk about smoking weed...which is something I don't do, have never done and will never do. He said the side effects for him are that he becomes very horny (which was already too much info) then he went on to say if I was ever around him when he was getting high that I'd need to watch out cause he wouldn't be able to control himself. To which I promptly said "that'll never happen" then walked away.

  Those are my reasons for feeling the way I do and also for not wanting to deal with him any longer. It's very odd and even more unnerving and I'm quite frankly fed up and not really able to told my tongue on it anymore. So I'm just waiting for him to do or say something like that to me again so that I can put him in his place!

  Yes, I'm the girl who, oddly, has a gay guy hitting on her when the straight guy won't even look her way! smh, fml

  Until Next Time!

  ~m