I guess you can say this is a non promotional promotion.
Last night I saw a commercial for a ministry called Need Him. What got me were two things...(1) the commercial looked a lot like the Apostle's Creed video shown at my church and (2) the wording used....specifically the line "this is not about religion, this is about a relationship". As you know (if you've been reading this blog for a while) I don't believe in the trappings of religion. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't trap myself in the box the "church" tells me I should be in, through tradition and here say, instead I believe in a relationship between God and myself.
So it was weird and thrilling to hear the statement in this video, and though I haven't had much time to read up on this group. I can say that if they really are trying to help people build a true relationship with God then I can side beside them in that...though if they aren't, if they are just trying to build up another mega church full of people who really don't know what to believe, then I'm out!
The fact that this commercial hit me in my gut makes me think that it's legit...but I've been wrong before. So, if you chose to go to the site and read up on this ministry, remember that I haven't condoned or condemned it. I'm just interested and thought someone else would be too.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Needy
I wrote a great post about being needy on my phone the other night. It was wonderful (if I do say so myself). It was something I had been thinking about for a while and in writing it I hit all the points, made all the comments and was very well pleased with it. But I did it on my phone and even though I saved it...it's gone.
So this wonderful piece of writing I spend time on is gone and no one will ever know how I feel about needy acquaintances who zap you of all your strength then don't return the favor doing your needy time....
Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!
So this wonderful piece of writing I spend time on is gone and no one will ever know how I feel about needy acquaintances who zap you of all your strength then don't return the favor doing your needy time....
Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!
Weirdness
Look around seeing nothing in everything before me
Life seems to get smaller as the world becomes more consumed by itself
The fancy eats the shabby, unless it's chic and we watch while kids cry behind us
This place isn't what it's supposed to be, this is just crazy
Hiding doesn't take away the fear of the unknown
Something is lurking just over the horizon and it's terrifying
Wonder how long it'll take before everyone wakes up to the dark
Blinded by the nothingness we've projected onto ourselves
Torture, tortured...what are we, animals?
Moving slowly, creeping, trying to out stalk the stalker
But we fail in our purpose as our ADHD washes over us
Steering us into a different direction away from safety and deeper into the dark
Washed in the fire we've created
Doubting the subjects we've out our trust in
Summoning the strength we're too lazy to use
Trying to control a world we've allowed to get outta hand
The old wish for the "good ol' days"
The young wish for money and fame
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Only ourselves, only the fools we've come to be
Chasing a dream we can't truly fathom
We've sunk into the darkest of deeper holes...
Only a miracle can get us out!
Life seems to get smaller as the world becomes more consumed by itself
The fancy eats the shabby, unless it's chic and we watch while kids cry behind us
This place isn't what it's supposed to be, this is just crazy
Hiding doesn't take away the fear of the unknown
Something is lurking just over the horizon and it's terrifying
Wonder how long it'll take before everyone wakes up to the dark
Blinded by the nothingness we've projected onto ourselves
Torture, tortured...what are we, animals?
Moving slowly, creeping, trying to out stalk the stalker
But we fail in our purpose as our ADHD washes over us
Steering us into a different direction away from safety and deeper into the dark
Washed in the fire we've created
Doubting the subjects we've out our trust in
Summoning the strength we're too lazy to use
Trying to control a world we've allowed to get outta hand
The old wish for the "good ol' days"
The young wish for money and fame
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Only ourselves, only the fools we've come to be
Chasing a dream we can't truly fathom
We've sunk into the darkest of deeper holes...
Only a miracle can get us out!
Thursday, June 03, 2010
The Duggars
I've recently become extremely fascinated by the Duggar Family(These are the people with 19 kids, they also have a show on TLC called 19 Kids and Counting)! I don't know why really, I guess, just over time, after hearing so much about them, I just decided to look them up and see what the big deal was all about.
Well, the big deal is their big family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, their youngest was born premature (and only 3 months after their first grandchildren) in December. That's a lot of children, more than I could ever wish to have but hey, they believe that God will provide them with as many children as he sees fit for them to have and really their hearts, minds and souls seem to be in the right place. I can't begrudge them anything because they are doing the best thing for their family and (as it seems from the show) they are raising some great people!
Over the years I have read and heard of people being upset that these two adults are having so many children. Well in this day and age more than 3 is a ridiculous amount to some and to others it's just the start. I do have to say that when I first heard about them I thought the same thing, but I wasn't angry or upset...I just thought "hey, that's a lot of kids and why would someone put themselves in that situation". I do have to say that like any tax paying American citizen I thought of the financial burden these people most be on the country. Then I read their story.
The Duggars have a website (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) which tells their story and why they've chosen to have so many children, how they support their family and are completely debt free...yes, debt free! They don't owe anyone any money and they are raising their children to follow suit. So are these people...Is this family putting a strain on the tax payer, Nope! Not like other recent news makers with a lot of children, these two adults are living their dreams with their boat load of children without costing me a dime. Yes, that's a selfish way to think about it, but it's true.
So, why am I so fascinated? I'm still not sure. I don't know if it's the debt free living or the homeschooling or the amount of children...or if it's the seemingly simple life the lead, in the midst of having 19 children. Maybe it's some of it, or maybe it's all of it. I know one thing...when I'm done watching an episode of their show I have a smile on my face. It does my soul good to see so many happy faces and two parents who love all their children and are doing the best they can for them...especially in a world where parents don't always care about the children they bring into the world.
Well, the big deal is their big family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, their youngest was born premature (and only 3 months after their first grandchildren) in December. That's a lot of children, more than I could ever wish to have but hey, they believe that God will provide them with as many children as he sees fit for them to have and really their hearts, minds and souls seem to be in the right place. I can't begrudge them anything because they are doing the best thing for their family and (as it seems from the show) they are raising some great people!
Over the years I have read and heard of people being upset that these two adults are having so many children. Well in this day and age more than 3 is a ridiculous amount to some and to others it's just the start. I do have to say that when I first heard about them I thought the same thing, but I wasn't angry or upset...I just thought "hey, that's a lot of kids and why would someone put themselves in that situation". I do have to say that like any tax paying American citizen I thought of the financial burden these people most be on the country. Then I read their story.
The Duggars have a website (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) which tells their story and why they've chosen to have so many children, how they support their family and are completely debt free...yes, debt free! They don't owe anyone any money and they are raising their children to follow suit. So are these people...Is this family putting a strain on the tax payer, Nope! Not like other recent news makers with a lot of children, these two adults are living their dreams with their boat load of children without costing me a dime. Yes, that's a selfish way to think about it, but it's true.
So, why am I so fascinated? I'm still not sure. I don't know if it's the debt free living or the homeschooling or the amount of children...or if it's the seemingly simple life the lead, in the midst of having 19 children. Maybe it's some of it, or maybe it's all of it. I know one thing...when I'm done watching an episode of their show I have a smile on my face. It does my soul good to see so many happy faces and two parents who love all their children and are doing the best they can for them...especially in a world where parents don't always care about the children they bring into the world.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Goodbye Facebook!
Goodbye Facebook you were fun while you lasted, but I found myself increasingly unhappy with you and the people on your site...so I bid you a farewell! I will always remember the fun we had together but I won't really miss you.
That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now!
See Ya!
That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now!
See Ya!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Mary Kay
Over the past few months I have been trying to decide whether I want to take on the responsibility of selling Mary Kay. I thought about the extra money I could make, the great experiences I could have and of course the epic failure waiting for me at the end of the road.
So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!
So, Until Next Time
So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!
So, Until Next Time
Ventura...here I come?
My friend Kristi has a plan...she's had this plan since she moved to Ventura (about 7 maybe 8 years ago). Her plan...to get me up to Ventura too! Kristi is a determined person and once she puts her mind to something it seems to happen. And as I see her, she's also a free spirit who leaps and isn't afraid of where she might land. That is, I'm sure, why she moved out to California from Indiana in the first place. So, even though this plan of hers has been in effect for a while and even though I've been okay with it, I'm now starting to warm up to the idea completely.
I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.
UPDATE
The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!
I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.
UPDATE
The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!
Mad at God Revisited
A few posts ago I wrote about a friend of mine who was mad at God (here) I went on about how she shouldn't be mad at God because he is preparing something more for her and she just hasn't seen it yet. I also related her tale of woe to my own. I was fairly levelheaded when writing out that particular blog post. Even after writing it God gave me the opportunity to minister to her and try to express everything I wrote about, so that she could understand the real truth behind the story.
Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.
Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Farewell That Sucked!
Don't get me wrong...I understand that some opportunities cannot be passed up. I also understand that sometimes people are just ready to move on to bigger and better things...and still, I understand that people make decisions to chase their dreams or further their lives...but I'm not always ready for someone to move away from their place in my life. Today I got news that someone I have come to count on for a good talk, even if it's about nothing, is on her way out of my comfort zone.
Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.
It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...
So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.
Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.
It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...
So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Quotes, Verse and Inspirations
The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "No." ~
Rorschach (Watchmen)
Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps
What we say reveals who we are!
The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~1 Timothy 1:7
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe
The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.
There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.
I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!
Rorschach (Watchmen)
Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps
What we say reveals who we are!
The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~1 Timothy 1:7
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe
The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.
There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.
I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Writing, writing and more writing
As you can tell by the post dates I have my ups and downs when it comes to writing. There are times (like now) when I don't feel I have enough time in the day to express the things I want to in the way I want to. Then there are other times when I just don't have anything to say. But I read this blog (www.stuffchristianslike.com) and the author was asked how he goes about writing his blog...his answer made me think, it also gave me a new way to write my blog out so that I don't go long periods without a post then short periods with many.
Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
Until Til Next Time
Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
Until Til Next Time
Monday, May 10, 2010
I Am Alone
God don't you see me? You don't, do you?
Don't you hear me?
My soul's crying, the tears can't be stopped and the only one who can do anything about it won't.
I'm on borrowed time, aren't I?
This journey of mine is almost up
I'm moving on to something that I cannot control
There's nothing I can do but sit and wait as my life sinks slowing and passes me by
God don't you care?
I've asked for this, (in the scheme of things this one thing is tiny compared to the building of the world)
But I can't have it can I?
There's nothing for me here
My world is full of pain, lost in the grieving I'll never come back from
You've left me here, alone
I've done what you asked and still nothingness over takes me
I can't feel the sun anymore and my heart is broken, again
I'm in the dark calling out, for this; but this will never come.
Will I continue to have my heartbroken, my mind punished for wrongs I can't remember?
What have I done to deserve the unending anguish
Why do you hate me?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
This is where I'll always be
No one sees fit that I may be loved
I am weak before the end of me
Calling out my soul finds deaf ears
Tears are cried forever, even when they don't run from my eyes
I have been abandoned
I have been pulled into this world of decay, to die
Alone
Never failing to understand that the one thing I want I can never have
My life is set to be marked with disappointment until death comes for me
Then and only then will I truly understand what I've never been allowed to have
On that day the pain will kill me again
My life means nothing and I steal away from the skies
I cannot repair my heart and you only see fit to allow it to break
Am I not deserving of love?
Am I not meant to be loved?
I see your answer everyday, my life in shambles and pain
You put me here in torture
God has left me in pain.
I am alone
Don't you hear me?
My soul's crying, the tears can't be stopped and the only one who can do anything about it won't.
I'm on borrowed time, aren't I?
This journey of mine is almost up
I'm moving on to something that I cannot control
There's nothing I can do but sit and wait as my life sinks slowing and passes me by
God don't you care?
I've asked for this, (in the scheme of things this one thing is tiny compared to the building of the world)
But I can't have it can I?
There's nothing for me here
My world is full of pain, lost in the grieving I'll never come back from
You've left me here, alone
I've done what you asked and still nothingness over takes me
I can't feel the sun anymore and my heart is broken, again
I'm in the dark calling out, for this; but this will never come.
Will I continue to have my heartbroken, my mind punished for wrongs I can't remember?
What have I done to deserve the unending anguish
Why do you hate me?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
This is where I'll always be
No one sees fit that I may be loved
I am weak before the end of me
Calling out my soul finds deaf ears
Tears are cried forever, even when they don't run from my eyes
I have been abandoned
I have been pulled into this world of decay, to die
Alone
Never failing to understand that the one thing I want I can never have
My life is set to be marked with disappointment until death comes for me
Then and only then will I truly understand what I've never been allowed to have
On that day the pain will kill me again
My life means nothing and I steal away from the skies
I cannot repair my heart and you only see fit to allow it to break
Am I not deserving of love?
Am I not meant to be loved?
I see your answer everyday, my life in shambles and pain
You put me here in torture
God has left me in pain.
I am alone
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Westboro Baptist Church
I started to write this really heart felt ranting post about this church..but to back myself up I decided to read up on them and you know what...instead of writing about them and their wholly unintelligent and hateful actions and words. I decided to leave it alone...because anyone with any ounce of real intelligence we see right through them!
Until Next Time
Until Next Time
Can't Resist
This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I put it away and forgot about it. Then I changed purses and found it again. The day I wrote it I couldn't not smile. I felt really good, even though the feeling was fleeting it was nice to know that I could still feel that way.
There's always that one person you can't resist. The one person who makes you giddy, who makes you feel good even if you know they're not food for you. We all have one and mine just popped back into my life.
I ran away, I left a situation that would have gotten me in trouble if I had stayed. I knew it would, because I set myself up for it. I let myself fall into it because it was better to be around it, then to not have it. But at some point you have to figure out what's best for you and I did. The best thing for me was to leave, so I left and it was right.
After sometime I got a phone call (several actually but I never answered the others) and knowing what I was doing I called back leaving a friendly message, nothing more, nothing less. Then it happened, the conversation that should have taken place years ago. I told truths that I had held on to and they were taken and understood. I was honest with my feelings and even though they were reciprocated they were acknowledged. And it feels good!
Now I have that rush again, that shortness of breath, that flutter in my stomach, the longing in my heart feeling that I thought went away with time and absence. I was wrong...it's still there waiting to hear that voice and see that face again. I miss him, and even though I'm older, he's still a trouble I don't think I can resist.
Separate
I was just looking at photos from a life gone by...honestly looking at photos of former co-workers remembering old times and acknowledging the fact that they aren't in you life anymore. Not only that but that you've so changed since that time that you don't know if you could have the same type of relationship you used to.
I've found myself isolated from people and that's fine but at the same time it's sad to look back and remember the fun. Not knowing where I'll be a year from now is scary and liberating...and frustrating. I don't want to the know the future I just want to know I'll be happy and this time in my life will pass.
The High Time wouldn't be without the Low...the Peaks wouldn't come without laboring through the Valleys and the end wouldn't be so rewarding if the search weren't so hard.
I've found myself isolated from people and that's fine but at the same time it's sad to look back and remember the fun. Not knowing where I'll be a year from now is scary and liberating...and frustrating. I don't want to the know the future I just want to know I'll be happy and this time in my life will pass.
The High Time wouldn't be without the Low...the Peaks wouldn't come without laboring through the Valleys and the end wouldn't be so rewarding if the search weren't so hard.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Harry Potter Analysis
As you know (maybe not), I am a big fan of the Harry Potter series. I enjoy those books tremendously and I've read and re-read them countless times. Some friends of mine have a daughter who just read through the entire series this past summer (literally all 7 books). She has finally convinced her father to read the series because, well they're good reads. He is reading them, not only that, he is also analysing their Christian message.
Most Christians will not allow their children anywhere near these books because they deal with subject matter that Christians demean detrimental to their children. Witchcraft. What people fail to realize is this, the witchcraft aspect of the novel is just another setting in the world. To me it would be like Harry was a teenage boy in Iraq who was Muslim (Christians probably wouldn't let their kids read that either), but it's that simple, just another setting a different world from ours.
My friend has decided to find the lines that link Harry's world to what Christians consider their spiritual world (walk). So far he's only done two Chapters of the first book, but he has done a good job and though I haven't spent LOTS of time thinking about it I have thought (somewhat) about the parallels...he's gone deeper than I ever cared to.
To me these books are JK Rowling's equivalent to The Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narina. Both those series were written by devout Catholics and she as a Christian, wanted to write these novels. Now, I'm not sure if she wrote them with the intentional Christian slant, but when you actively walk with God everything you do takes on that slant. I do know that some aspects of the book she did use intentionally (i.e. certain, bible verse and references).
Why am I writing about this you may ask? Well its simple...I think that he's doing a good job with them. So I'm trying to decide whether or not I should put them up on the blog...I'm thinking about encouraging him to re-activate his blog and put them up there. But since he's doing Chapter by Chapter it'll be a long road...so I have time to decide. I think it'll be interesting.
Okay, and for all those you fear the Christianizing of yet another book...if you have read or listened to any JK Rowling interviews you would know where she stands. I see it like this...another person is setting off on the adventure with Harry...and although I know where that adventure leads, I am happy that someone else will enjoy it...as I soon will (again) too.
Most Christians will not allow their children anywhere near these books because they deal with subject matter that Christians demean detrimental to their children. Witchcraft. What people fail to realize is this, the witchcraft aspect of the novel is just another setting in the world. To me it would be like Harry was a teenage boy in Iraq who was Muslim (Christians probably wouldn't let their kids read that either), but it's that simple, just another setting a different world from ours.
My friend has decided to find the lines that link Harry's world to what Christians consider their spiritual world (walk). So far he's only done two Chapters of the first book, but he has done a good job and though I haven't spent LOTS of time thinking about it I have thought (somewhat) about the parallels...he's gone deeper than I ever cared to.
To me these books are JK Rowling's equivalent to The Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narina. Both those series were written by devout Catholics and she as a Christian, wanted to write these novels. Now, I'm not sure if she wrote them with the intentional Christian slant, but when you actively walk with God everything you do takes on that slant. I do know that some aspects of the book she did use intentionally (i.e. certain, bible verse and references).
Why am I writing about this you may ask? Well its simple...I think that he's doing a good job with them. So I'm trying to decide whether or not I should put them up on the blog...I'm thinking about encouraging him to re-activate his blog and put them up there. But since he's doing Chapter by Chapter it'll be a long road...so I have time to decide. I think it'll be interesting.
Okay, and for all those you fear the Christianizing of yet another book...if you have read or listened to any JK Rowling interviews you would know where she stands. I see it like this...another person is setting off on the adventure with Harry...and although I know where that adventure leads, I am happy that someone else will enjoy it...as I soon will (again) too.
Mad At God
Now as I look at it, I have various reasons to be mad at God. Some I've discussed on here (lack of a relationship, failure of friendships, distrust, etc.) but there are more I have chosen not to discuss on this stage. But I figure I have some pretty good reasons to be angry, hurt and generally mad at the Big Guy upstairs, but I chose to put my anger away. It doesn't mean I don't (from time to time) feel the anger begin to rise when I didn't get something I feel I should have.
You see I learned that our relationships with God aren't tit for tat...it's not God saying "Melanie, if you pray to me and read your bible daily I will give you everything you want" and there's no open negotiations going on. God hears our prayers but chooses what's best for us. He sees all the things I can't possibly imagine are coming and he does his best to steer me in a different direction away from the bad. I am, however, stubborn and easily distracted so I usually walk right into the bad of my own free will....then like a good father he's there to pick me up off the floor and carry me to safety and comfort. So me being mad at Him isn't really helping me...it's only hurting me. Because the time and energy I'm using to be mad at God is time and energy I can be using to take the steps to becoming who I really am and gaining what I really want.
I'm sure you're wondering what brought this on...I just had a conversation with a co-worker...she's mad at God...she's done with him...because she feels like He hasn't given her what she really wants. I understand where she's coming from...she's older than me and she's basically in the same place as me. We want some of the same things and it's hard to watch your friends get the things you so desire, but as I've learned recently just because you're friends have something doesn't mean that that something is wonderful. It's not always rainbows, Daisy's and sunshine...sometimes it's hell! And if God is using this time in my life to prepare me for those rough times then I'll take it.
My Mexican mom (Maria) is confident that I will one day meet the man of my dreams and have this wonderful family...and honest to God I'm pretty sure she's the only one who thinks that. But she told me once that God is going to send me someone incredible and that God's molding both of us to be exactly what the other needs. I can only pray that she speaks the truth and that this time of sadness and loneliness will someday transfer into joy.
So mad at God...yeah there are those times, but I find that the times I'm most upset with the Big Guy are the times I lean on Him the most. Don't get me wrong, I tell Him exactly how I feel. I've yelled, cried, thrown tantrums and pouted but I've also given Him the respect Hes due and tried to understand that He knows all the things I don't. I would rather be happy by myself then have a relationship with someone who will cheat on me without remorse. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I am not truly happy or comfortable and I would rather be in a relationship that I have to wait for that will last forever, then to have one now that will end shortly. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much, sometimes I think my hopes are too high, then I say to myself that I'm worth all the standards I've asked for. I'm worth all my hopes and dreams...and so is he, that guy I'm waiting for.
There's no need to be mad at God...not for me. I have more than many and I see all those things as blessings. I'm sad that this girl is mad at Him, because it's not His fault and the emptiness will pass...although it doesn't feel like it, there will be a day when she'll realize it doesn't hurt anymore. But if we don't lean on God when it hurts then how can we dance before him when it doesn't?
You see I learned that our relationships with God aren't tit for tat...it's not God saying "Melanie, if you pray to me and read your bible daily I will give you everything you want" and there's no open negotiations going on. God hears our prayers but chooses what's best for us. He sees all the things I can't possibly imagine are coming and he does his best to steer me in a different direction away from the bad. I am, however, stubborn and easily distracted so I usually walk right into the bad of my own free will....then like a good father he's there to pick me up off the floor and carry me to safety and comfort. So me being mad at Him isn't really helping me...it's only hurting me. Because the time and energy I'm using to be mad at God is time and energy I can be using to take the steps to becoming who I really am and gaining what I really want.
I'm sure you're wondering what brought this on...I just had a conversation with a co-worker...she's mad at God...she's done with him...because she feels like He hasn't given her what she really wants. I understand where she's coming from...she's older than me and she's basically in the same place as me. We want some of the same things and it's hard to watch your friends get the things you so desire, but as I've learned recently just because you're friends have something doesn't mean that that something is wonderful. It's not always rainbows, Daisy's and sunshine...sometimes it's hell! And if God is using this time in my life to prepare me for those rough times then I'll take it.
My Mexican mom (Maria) is confident that I will one day meet the man of my dreams and have this wonderful family...and honest to God I'm pretty sure she's the only one who thinks that. But she told me once that God is going to send me someone incredible and that God's molding both of us to be exactly what the other needs. I can only pray that she speaks the truth and that this time of sadness and loneliness will someday transfer into joy.
So mad at God...yeah there are those times, but I find that the times I'm most upset with the Big Guy are the times I lean on Him the most. Don't get me wrong, I tell Him exactly how I feel. I've yelled, cried, thrown tantrums and pouted but I've also given Him the respect Hes due and tried to understand that He knows all the things I don't. I would rather be happy by myself then have a relationship with someone who will cheat on me without remorse. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I am not truly happy or comfortable and I would rather be in a relationship that I have to wait for that will last forever, then to have one now that will end shortly. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much, sometimes I think my hopes are too high, then I say to myself that I'm worth all the standards I've asked for. I'm worth all my hopes and dreams...and so is he, that guy I'm waiting for.
There's no need to be mad at God...not for me. I have more than many and I see all those things as blessings. I'm sad that this girl is mad at Him, because it's not His fault and the emptiness will pass...although it doesn't feel like it, there will be a day when she'll realize it doesn't hurt anymore. But if we don't lean on God when it hurts then how can we dance before him when it doesn't?
Saturday, May 01, 2010
You May Say I'm A Dreamer...
The past couple of months I've been trying hard to figure out how I could have been so naive about the state of the world around me. How I could think/believe that the blatant racism rising up in the Tea Party movement would/could never happen. Part of it has to do with the fact that I watched as this country elected a Bi-Racial man as our president. But the other, I realized is rooted in a moment from my childhood...
I can clearly remember the first time I heard, grasped onto and truly understood the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. I was sitting at home in front of the television and this video came on...John Lennon sitting at a piano in a dark room with Yoko Ono by his side....as he sung this song asking us to Imagine this world she moves away from him opening the curtains on the floor to ceiling windows...letting the light flow over him...all in white. The song captured me and I was fully caught in the imagination of a child wanting the world to be better.
From that moment on I think I've had my Rose Colored glasses on...not seeing the world in it's true form but in an askew form of a world working to become that perfect world Mr. Lennon was talking about. Only seeing the good, refusing to look at the bad and trying my best to believe that the words that captured my heart at that young age had captured everyone else's...I was wrong.
The problem is truly that the song speaks beautifully about a perfect world. And we as humans can't have a perfect world because we are not perfect. We are angry, hate-filled, spiteful liars. We steal, kill and cheat each other without hesitation and we can't truly accomplish everything he speaks of because we don't really have it in us to. I know now that I was so influenced by hope that I lived on a make shift cloud. When I took my glasses off to watch in full glory the presidency of Barack Obama, I realized sadly that although we've moved in great steps toward a better world, we have also fallen so very far short of being anywhere near where we should be.
I don't think that John was saying that this world would one day be perfect, what I think he was saying, is that if we were to all sit down and imagine ourselves in a perfect world then we would come out of the experience wanting to make the world around us better. Some did, but others didn't catch that point. We live in a global market...a global community where the coffee I buy in the morning directly effects someone in Africa or South America. So you'd think that we'd be at a point in 2010 where there'd be no hunger, no child dying of preventable disease and no people living with illness because companies are charging them ridiculous prices for medication. But in 2010, we still have all this and more!
My mind is blow, my heart sadden and my eyes full of tears at the state of the world. And at the fact that people are so selfish and stupid that they'd rather protest, spit on and ridicule others than to really help them. That's what wrong with this world and that is why we will never be the world that John Lennon sang about. Tragic and unnecessary!
Here's a link to the video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GAHFrLAxzM
I can clearly remember the first time I heard, grasped onto and truly understood the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. I was sitting at home in front of the television and this video came on...John Lennon sitting at a piano in a dark room with Yoko Ono by his side....as he sung this song asking us to Imagine this world she moves away from him opening the curtains on the floor to ceiling windows...letting the light flow over him...all in white. The song captured me and I was fully caught in the imagination of a child wanting the world to be better.
From that moment on I think I've had my Rose Colored glasses on...not seeing the world in it's true form but in an askew form of a world working to become that perfect world Mr. Lennon was talking about. Only seeing the good, refusing to look at the bad and trying my best to believe that the words that captured my heart at that young age had captured everyone else's...I was wrong.
The problem is truly that the song speaks beautifully about a perfect world. And we as humans can't have a perfect world because we are not perfect. We are angry, hate-filled, spiteful liars. We steal, kill and cheat each other without hesitation and we can't truly accomplish everything he speaks of because we don't really have it in us to. I know now that I was so influenced by hope that I lived on a make shift cloud. When I took my glasses off to watch in full glory the presidency of Barack Obama, I realized sadly that although we've moved in great steps toward a better world, we have also fallen so very far short of being anywhere near where we should be.
I don't think that John was saying that this world would one day be perfect, what I think he was saying, is that if we were to all sit down and imagine ourselves in a perfect world then we would come out of the experience wanting to make the world around us better. Some did, but others didn't catch that point. We live in a global market...a global community where the coffee I buy in the morning directly effects someone in Africa or South America. So you'd think that we'd be at a point in 2010 where there'd be no hunger, no child dying of preventable disease and no people living with illness because companies are charging them ridiculous prices for medication. But in 2010, we still have all this and more!
My mind is blow, my heart sadden and my eyes full of tears at the state of the world. And at the fact that people are so selfish and stupid that they'd rather protest, spit on and ridicule others than to really help them. That's what wrong with this world and that is why we will never be the world that John Lennon sang about. Tragic and unnecessary!
Here's a link to the video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GAHFrLAxzM
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Blog Lay Out ADD
I know I've changed my blog layout a bunch of times in the last month and I'm sorry for that. I change my layout like I change my clothes sometimes.
At times I'm content to live in track pants or jersey shorts and a t-shirt, but every so often I want to get all girly and dress up. And this is exactly how I am with my blogs (I was like this with myspace too). So I have finally found a blog layout that I am happy with...shout out to Cutest Blog on the Block! This layout has pink in it, but i liked it so much that I decided I wasn't going to worry about it. I guess that's just one more step to being more girly!
Well, I think the photo-blog will stay black. that is unless I find something that sparks my interest. I may try the reverse pink and green, just to tie the two together and be all coordinated....we'll see...well
Until Next Time!
At times I'm content to live in track pants or jersey shorts and a t-shirt, but every so often I want to get all girly and dress up. And this is exactly how I am with my blogs (I was like this with myspace too). So I have finally found a blog layout that I am happy with...shout out to Cutest Blog on the Block! This layout has pink in it, but i liked it so much that I decided I wasn't going to worry about it. I guess that's just one more step to being more girly!
Well, I think the photo-blog will stay black. that is unless I find something that sparks my interest. I may try the reverse pink and green, just to tie the two together and be all coordinated....we'll see...well
Until Next Time!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
One of My Prayers
In my list I included one that says I want a man who will see me. In order to understand that you really have to understand me...completely. No holds barred, no secrets, the really nitty gritty of me. Which is complex and venerable, strong and weak, confident and very very insecure. But you have to know me to see me. There are very many people I let see me, that real raw naked me. Because to put yourself out there in fear of rejection is something I choose not to do very much...and first I have to rebuild the broken heart before I put it out on display again.
I say all this because this is movie called AVATAR came out at the end of last year and in that movie. The Na'vi say I see you, and what they mean literally is that they see your heart and soul. The first time I saw the movie I thought two things....1) YES SOMEONE GET IT! 2) HEY HE STOLE ME THING! The truth is many people probably thought and felt the same. Intimacy isn't always about sex, it's mostly about being complete with someone else and how much more can you be complete with someone then by looking at them and truly seeing them, in return knowing that they see you too?
I say all this because this is movie called AVATAR came out at the end of last year and in that movie. The Na'vi say I see you, and what they mean literally is that they see your heart and soul. The first time I saw the movie I thought two things....1) YES SOMEONE GET IT! 2) HEY HE STOLE ME THING! The truth is many people probably thought and felt the same. Intimacy isn't always about sex, it's mostly about being complete with someone else and how much more can you be complete with someone then by looking at them and truly seeing them, in return knowing that they see you too?
I've always been an observer...in recent years I've observed lots of different things and people, always looking for what to do and what not to do. Well, from the relationships around me I feel like I've learn a great deal. The one thing I've come to realize that can/will overwhelmingly influence a relationship is the word partnership.
No not just the word, but the meaning and definition behind it. I've seen marriages built to last and marriages built to fail, but the one defining attribute to all the outlasting ones is that they have a true partnership. In recently watching marriages crumble and falter I've noticed that the partnerships in all were one sided. One person doing all the work to make the relationship work. One person going the extra mile while the other just complained or sat around doing nothing.
I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know that I always think I'm right about things, but like I said I'm an observer and I have mad skills! I like to look at the glass half full, but if I see a pattern I can pretty much call the outcome. If your relationship is not a true partnership before you get married, or if you think you're going to change them after you get married. Then I'm sorry to tell you this but you're wrong...
That's what I've seen, that's my experience in the matter. The partnership has to start before you even get to the "engaged' portion of the relationship. And sorry but just because you have been with someone a long time doesn't mean you have to marry them. Sometimes you have to see that person for who/what they really are and your relationship for what it really is. I'm a girl who's grown up with the dream of having a big ring and big wedding, but sometimes the rock is too blinding to see all the cracks in the relationship...
Let's start this way, if his mom is ever present, she's not going away after you get married. If he doesn't do anything now, he won't do anything then. And the big one, if you have to beg, threaten or give an ultimatum for him to propose then, it's not going to work out in the end.
We as people have to see ourselves for the true jewels we are and stop selling ourselves short for a small bit of instant satisfaction when there's a lifetime of true joy waiting for you around the corner (at least that's what I'm betting). I've seen people around me run head first into the brick wall called their relationship because they thought something would change...and in my opinion, they didn't value themselves enough.
Ultimately I'm sadden, maybe if we waited a little longer truly valuing the partnership that is marriage the we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate and single parent homes wouldn't be single parent homes.
But that's just my opinion!
No not just the word, but the meaning and definition behind it. I've seen marriages built to last and marriages built to fail, but the one defining attribute to all the outlasting ones is that they have a true partnership. In recently watching marriages crumble and falter I've noticed that the partnerships in all were one sided. One person doing all the work to make the relationship work. One person going the extra mile while the other just complained or sat around doing nothing.
I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know that I always think I'm right about things, but like I said I'm an observer and I have mad skills! I like to look at the glass half full, but if I see a pattern I can pretty much call the outcome. If your relationship is not a true partnership before you get married, or if you think you're going to change them after you get married. Then I'm sorry to tell you this but you're wrong...
That's what I've seen, that's my experience in the matter. The partnership has to start before you even get to the "engaged' portion of the relationship. And sorry but just because you have been with someone a long time doesn't mean you have to marry them. Sometimes you have to see that person for who/what they really are and your relationship for what it really is. I'm a girl who's grown up with the dream of having a big ring and big wedding, but sometimes the rock is too blinding to see all the cracks in the relationship...
Let's start this way, if his mom is ever present, she's not going away after you get married. If he doesn't do anything now, he won't do anything then. And the big one, if you have to beg, threaten or give an ultimatum for him to propose then, it's not going to work out in the end.
We as people have to see ourselves for the true jewels we are and stop selling ourselves short for a small bit of instant satisfaction when there's a lifetime of true joy waiting for you around the corner (at least that's what I'm betting). I've seen people around me run head first into the brick wall called their relationship because they thought something would change...and in my opinion, they didn't value themselves enough.
Ultimately I'm sadden, maybe if we waited a little longer truly valuing the partnership that is marriage the we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate and single parent homes wouldn't be single parent homes.
But that's just my opinion!
Never What You Expect
Sometimes, you do, say or write things and wait with bated breathe for a reaction. Most times (if you're waiting for a reaction) you think it's going to be a bad one. It has happened to me alot over the course of my life. As I sit down and give away my honest feelings I always feel like they will ultimately be rejected and that the recipient of the honesty will shut me down. Since I've started trying to live a truthful authentic life, I have to choosen to do those things...be truthful, be authentic...although I try not to hurt people, I do know that in order for me to grow I have to give my truth to the world.
In recent weeks I've had conversations and correspondence with various people in my life and what I've found is the opposite of what I expected. Giving the truth can hurt and as I've waited for responses from all I have tried to imagine what those responses might be. I've also tried to prepare myself to stand strong and faithful, knowing that I'm on the path God wants me to be on and that He is guiding me preparing me for my future.
I have been surprised and I'm grateful for the reactions, I'm humbled by the knowledge that when I took steps of faith I have been rewarded. I know for sure that God's hand is definitely in the decisions I've been making and that even though I've been scared, He hasn't once let me down.
In recent weeks I've had conversations and correspondence with various people in my life and what I've found is the opposite of what I expected. Giving the truth can hurt and as I've waited for responses from all I have tried to imagine what those responses might be. I've also tried to prepare myself to stand strong and faithful, knowing that I'm on the path God wants me to be on and that He is guiding me preparing me for my future.
I have been surprised and I'm grateful for the reactions, I'm humbled by the knowledge that when I took steps of faith I have been rewarded. I know for sure that God's hand is definitely in the decisions I've been making and that even though I've been scared, He hasn't once let me down.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Death at a Funeral
I went to a funeral today, the person giving the message talked about death. He said one thing that caught my attention. That we never want to talk about death because it's depressing. Whenever I attend a funeral I always find myself thinking about how we candy coat a funeral service with all the good things, but never really talk about the death. It made me think about talking/writing about it.
I'm not shy about talking about death, I actually think it would help make the whole experience better for those who remain if we speak about it open and honestly. I can understand not wanting to talk about it because it's depressing, but if we are open from the beginning and celebrate it for what we, as Christians, should see it as (moving on to be with God) then it would/could be viewed in a totally different context. Yes, it is sad and hard, but we talk so much about going to be with the father that we should celebrate it...but not everyone is going to end up at peace, and I guess that may be the real reason we don't want to talk about death!
After the service we (my family and I) went to eat, I asked my dad what he wanted for his services and he refused to talk about it saying, "Oh we don't talk about that stuff!" Well, no because we want to sugar coat everything. Why would we talk about something you may or may not want to think about?Later in the day I asked my mom the same thing, she responded with, "I never thought about it." Funny, because both of her children have thought about their funeral services...what we want and don't want.
As selfish as this might sound, your wedding and your funeral are really the only two days in your life that are all about you, and for me (since I'll probably never marry) my funeral will be my only chance to plan out a big event for myself. But I'm not going to spend this post talking about my perfect funeral, instead I'm going to talk about death.
Since I was young I've always had the feeling I would pass away in an accident when I was in my early 30s and if you're reading this in 2015 and I'm no longer alive, then I was right. It's not a big deal because I've had this feeling since I was 5 or 6 years old. I used to be scared, but now I understand that if God is taking me, He's taking me and there no point in being scared.
Death is hard, death isn't always what we'd expect, but for all of us it's coming. Sorry! This life isn't about chasing death, it's about living, about living your life for something special. For some, it's for God....for others it's to change the world and still for others its for themselves...but we all have something to live for. The biggest most selfish act (to me) is suicide, because you're ONLY thinking about you and your pain, you're not thinking about how you effect the world around you and how you are devastating the many to calm yourself. If you have children and do it, it's even more selfish, because you leave them with the thought that they weren't enough...when you never ever thought about them in the first place.
So here it is...death, it's moving on, its the next step in the journey of your existence and it happens...there's no putting if off, it's coming and there's really nothing to be done about it. So what would I say or do in the face of death...I don't know, but I do know this...the last person close to me to die was my Grandfather and when he got sick I knew he would die, so instead of being in denial or running away I did all I could to be around him, to see him, talk to him and tell him I loved him. I'm sure he knew that he was going, all those old friends he hadn't seen in years started to come around and visit. We all have our way of facing death, but I didn't want to have regrets, I wanted to be there and see him, know that we loved each other. I didn't want to look back and think I didn't do enough to make his last days good.
After all was said and done, my grandfather passed, but the peace I thought would come didn't. I worried because I didn't really know if he was at peace. I mean the minister preached that he was with God but I didn't know in my heart, how could I? So the worry and fear persisted. Then I had this dream that shook me (like only God can) and rested my worried mind.
I walked into a restaurant (it was the Brown Derby although I've never been there I knew that's where I was). As I walked through the place to my seat, I noticed this group of men in a bar booth, men I had never seen expect for one familiar face, my Grandfather's. I went to my seat with my friends took off my coat, put my purse down, then promptly excused myself to go say hi. The group of men was leaving as I got back to the bar but I stopped him and with a big smile said Hi, and tried to give him a hug. He smiled back like any polite person would, returned my hi but didn't let me hug him. It then dawned on me that he didn't know who I was. He didn't know and even after trying to explain it to him, he just stood there with that peaceful smile on his face. Looking at me like a loving Grandfather would, but not seeing me as his grandchild. As I struggled to explain myself further the tears began to fill my eyes and run over...one of the men (god they were big and all in trench coats and hats, like Humphrey in Casablanca) took his arm and started to lead him out. I stood there crying, not knowing what to do. Then another man came to me, smiled and said "You can let go now, we got him, he's okay and at peace. God's taking care of him". In my mind, these trench coat wearing buddies (bodyguards) were angels and in that moment I became completely free and peaceful, I also instantly woke up to tear soaked cheeks and pillows.
After that, I stopped worrying about death, I stopped worrying about what's going to happen because I realize that God is taking care of it. Does that mean, I feel like I'm invincible, nope...but that night I do feel like God spoke to me and clearly told me that death isn't the end.
Now some may say I'm crazy...that's fine, if you haven't figured that out by now then I'll call you slow. But for me, death isn't bad, it isn't scary or something to fear...it's just the next step, the next move to God. If we are living our lives to further God's kingdom, to spend our afterlife with him then why wouldn't we celebrate...I mean truly celebrate death coming? Why would we try our best to stay here on this imperfect rock when we can bask in the glow of God's light....now I'm not saying we need to give up on this place and call it quits, I'm just saying we have to see death for what it is...inevitable, unmovable and just around the coroner.
I'm not shy about talking about death, I actually think it would help make the whole experience better for those who remain if we speak about it open and honestly. I can understand not wanting to talk about it because it's depressing, but if we are open from the beginning and celebrate it for what we, as Christians, should see it as (moving on to be with God) then it would/could be viewed in a totally different context. Yes, it is sad and hard, but we talk so much about going to be with the father that we should celebrate it...but not everyone is going to end up at peace, and I guess that may be the real reason we don't want to talk about death!
After the service we (my family and I) went to eat, I asked my dad what he wanted for his services and he refused to talk about it saying, "Oh we don't talk about that stuff!" Well, no because we want to sugar coat everything. Why would we talk about something you may or may not want to think about?Later in the day I asked my mom the same thing, she responded with, "I never thought about it." Funny, because both of her children have thought about their funeral services...what we want and don't want.
As selfish as this might sound, your wedding and your funeral are really the only two days in your life that are all about you, and for me (since I'll probably never marry) my funeral will be my only chance to plan out a big event for myself. But I'm not going to spend this post talking about my perfect funeral, instead I'm going to talk about death.
Since I was young I've always had the feeling I would pass away in an accident when I was in my early 30s and if you're reading this in 2015 and I'm no longer alive, then I was right. It's not a big deal because I've had this feeling since I was 5 or 6 years old. I used to be scared, but now I understand that if God is taking me, He's taking me and there no point in being scared.
Death is hard, death isn't always what we'd expect, but for all of us it's coming. Sorry! This life isn't about chasing death, it's about living, about living your life for something special. For some, it's for God....for others it's to change the world and still for others its for themselves...but we all have something to live for. The biggest most selfish act (to me) is suicide, because you're ONLY thinking about you and your pain, you're not thinking about how you effect the world around you and how you are devastating the many to calm yourself. If you have children and do it, it's even more selfish, because you leave them with the thought that they weren't enough...when you never ever thought about them in the first place.
So here it is...death, it's moving on, its the next step in the journey of your existence and it happens...there's no putting if off, it's coming and there's really nothing to be done about it. So what would I say or do in the face of death...I don't know, but I do know this...the last person close to me to die was my Grandfather and when he got sick I knew he would die, so instead of being in denial or running away I did all I could to be around him, to see him, talk to him and tell him I loved him. I'm sure he knew that he was going, all those old friends he hadn't seen in years started to come around and visit. We all have our way of facing death, but I didn't want to have regrets, I wanted to be there and see him, know that we loved each other. I didn't want to look back and think I didn't do enough to make his last days good.
After all was said and done, my grandfather passed, but the peace I thought would come didn't. I worried because I didn't really know if he was at peace. I mean the minister preached that he was with God but I didn't know in my heart, how could I? So the worry and fear persisted. Then I had this dream that shook me (like only God can) and rested my worried mind.
I walked into a restaurant (it was the Brown Derby although I've never been there I knew that's where I was). As I walked through the place to my seat, I noticed this group of men in a bar booth, men I had never seen expect for one familiar face, my Grandfather's. I went to my seat with my friends took off my coat, put my purse down, then promptly excused myself to go say hi. The group of men was leaving as I got back to the bar but I stopped him and with a big smile said Hi, and tried to give him a hug. He smiled back like any polite person would, returned my hi but didn't let me hug him. It then dawned on me that he didn't know who I was. He didn't know and even after trying to explain it to him, he just stood there with that peaceful smile on his face. Looking at me like a loving Grandfather would, but not seeing me as his grandchild. As I struggled to explain myself further the tears began to fill my eyes and run over...one of the men (god they were big and all in trench coats and hats, like Humphrey in Casablanca) took his arm and started to lead him out. I stood there crying, not knowing what to do. Then another man came to me, smiled and said "You can let go now, we got him, he's okay and at peace. God's taking care of him". In my mind, these trench coat wearing buddies (bodyguards) were angels and in that moment I became completely free and peaceful, I also instantly woke up to tear soaked cheeks and pillows.
After that, I stopped worrying about death, I stopped worrying about what's going to happen because I realize that God is taking care of it. Does that mean, I feel like I'm invincible, nope...but that night I do feel like God spoke to me and clearly told me that death isn't the end.
Now some may say I'm crazy...that's fine, if you haven't figured that out by now then I'll call you slow. But for me, death isn't bad, it isn't scary or something to fear...it's just the next step, the next move to God. If we are living our lives to further God's kingdom, to spend our afterlife with him then why wouldn't we celebrate...I mean truly celebrate death coming? Why would we try our best to stay here on this imperfect rock when we can bask in the glow of God's light....now I'm not saying we need to give up on this place and call it quits, I'm just saying we have to see death for what it is...inevitable, unmovable and just around the coroner.
Friday, April 09, 2010
In my Journal...
are pages of half written thoughts, unfinished rants, and lines that don't make any sense. I never seem to finish, them because I get side tracked by life other some more inspiring thing runs across my mind.
Well, today I'm going to take the time to finish them and see where I end up. Not all will be master pieces, not all will be featured here, but some will and those I open will give us all something to think about.
so until next time, I'll be off finishing my thoughts!
Well, today I'm going to take the time to finish them and see where I end up. Not all will be master pieces, not all will be featured here, but some will and those I open will give us all something to think about.
so until next time, I'll be off finishing my thoughts!
Monday, April 05, 2010
Invictus
Out of the light that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
By William Ernest Henley
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
By William Ernest Henley
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Jealous, just a little...
So, I have well documented the struggle I have with not being married or having kids, but I decided to no longer allow myself to be jealous or hateful toward people who are in the place of having a child or getting married.
Since I made that effort I have had my moments but I have done my best to move past them to be happy for the people who are celebrating. I've been to weddings and baby showers and lived through engagement announcements. I've been able to walk through them all with a grace that God gave me, because in my heart I hope that my day will come. I've haven't gone into a situation totally jealous of someone else's happiness because there was no reason to. But today (on Easter and when I'm wasn't expecting it) I found myself slightly jealous of my friend while she was discussing her upcoming wedding.
Now, I don't know if I was truly jealous of her wedding or if I was just jealous because she truly has that shining happiness that I'm longing for. You can look at her and see her happiness and you can look and him and see the same thing. Its contagious to watch but at the same time a little heart wrenching for me. Because I know that in my heart that it not the wedding its the happiness that I'm looking and longing for.
Looking back on it I'm not sure if I'm jealous or just anxious about the happiness that awaits me...at least I hope its waiting for me.
Since I made that effort I have had my moments but I have done my best to move past them to be happy for the people who are celebrating. I've been to weddings and baby showers and lived through engagement announcements. I've been able to walk through them all with a grace that God gave me, because in my heart I hope that my day will come. I've haven't gone into a situation totally jealous of someone else's happiness because there was no reason to. But today (on Easter and when I'm wasn't expecting it) I found myself slightly jealous of my friend while she was discussing her upcoming wedding.
Now, I don't know if I was truly jealous of her wedding or if I was just jealous because she truly has that shining happiness that I'm longing for. You can look at her and see her happiness and you can look and him and see the same thing. Its contagious to watch but at the same time a little heart wrenching for me. Because I know that in my heart that it not the wedding its the happiness that I'm looking and longing for.
Looking back on it I'm not sure if I'm jealous or just anxious about the happiness that awaits me...at least I hope its waiting for me.
An Open Letter to my Mom
I know you look at me and try to figure out where you went wrong. You search for the answers of why I am the way I am and how it all came to be.
I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life. As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.
I'm Sorry and I Love You,
Melanie
I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life. As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.
I'm Sorry and I Love You,
Melanie
I Opened My Eyes to a World of Bad
There are moments in life when you look around you and see the truth you've (probably) been hiding from yourself for a long time. For me this has been happening more and more over the passed year. Since American went off and decided to get all great and hire the first Black President it seems like the world is going to hell. Well, at least that's what I see now.
I guess that because I've hidden my face away from the news of the world for so long I just live in this bubble that doesn't let the negative in. Which is fine by me, because really all there seems to be is the negative. Over the past year, the climate in this country has gone from bad to worse. Really, we've been overtaken by this group of people called the Tea Party (I'll talk about them in another post). Who, the more I learn about them, just seem to be the bottom barrel of hate filled imbreds ever! Recently, the Catholic church has found itself in the grips of another scandal...but its the same as before. This sexual abuse outcry has taken two forms, 1. people from different countries are beginning to speak out about being abused and 2. the pope (who was a Nazi) has been directly charged with doing nothing, actually covering up a serious series of abuse. He swept under the rug a priest who had abused more than 200 deaf boys he was charged with caring for.
I'm disgusted, angry and my heart breaks more and more everyday! There seems like no end in sight! Earlier this week a series of suicide bombers attacked Russia. Now, honestly I can say I don't know what the attacks were about or why they happened, but it's just another tragedy in an already tragic world.
"LET THE THINGS THAT BREAK GOD'S HEART ALSO BREAK MINE"
I always thought about poverty, disease and war when I thought of that quote (which I paraphrased) but now I see that it's not just those things. I've opened my eyes to a world of madness and turmoil, with no end in sight. Everyday is more and more bleak, so much so that even some so called Christians have taken up a mantle of hate, yet dare to call themselves followers of Christ. Honestly, I've come to the end of what I feel is just the beginning of this revelation. I'm allowing myself to see and take in the true honesty of the world I walk in. Taking in all the things that my brain and heart reject, because if I'm going live in this world, if I'm going to pray and hope and love in this world, I should really know what this world is all about.
Shouldn't I?
I guess that because I've hidden my face away from the news of the world for so long I just live in this bubble that doesn't let the negative in. Which is fine by me, because really all there seems to be is the negative. Over the past year, the climate in this country has gone from bad to worse. Really, we've been overtaken by this group of people called the Tea Party (I'll talk about them in another post). Who, the more I learn about them, just seem to be the bottom barrel of hate filled imbreds ever! Recently, the Catholic church has found itself in the grips of another scandal...but its the same as before. This sexual abuse outcry has taken two forms, 1. people from different countries are beginning to speak out about being abused and 2. the pope (who was a Nazi) has been directly charged with doing nothing, actually covering up a serious series of abuse. He swept under the rug a priest who had abused more than 200 deaf boys he was charged with caring for.
I'm disgusted, angry and my heart breaks more and more everyday! There seems like no end in sight! Earlier this week a series of suicide bombers attacked Russia. Now, honestly I can say I don't know what the attacks were about or why they happened, but it's just another tragedy in an already tragic world.
"LET THE THINGS THAT BREAK GOD'S HEART ALSO BREAK MINE"
I always thought about poverty, disease and war when I thought of that quote (which I paraphrased) but now I see that it's not just those things. I've opened my eyes to a world of madness and turmoil, with no end in sight. Everyday is more and more bleak, so much so that even some so called Christians have taken up a mantle of hate, yet dare to call themselves followers of Christ. Honestly, I've come to the end of what I feel is just the beginning of this revelation. I'm allowing myself to see and take in the true honesty of the world I walk in. Taking in all the things that my brain and heart reject, because if I'm going live in this world, if I'm going to pray and hope and love in this world, I should really know what this world is all about.
Shouldn't I?
Friendship
As you grow it is inevitable that some friendships will grow distant. Some will completely fall away and still some will continue on a understanding that your love for one another, will always be there in good times and through bad, but you don't have to talk daily, weekly or even monthly.
I am discovering that I have varying relationships on all these themes. There are very few people I know who will always be there for me to lean on. In fact, these people I can name easily. There are some who I've grown away from naturally as I sought my own road and self. But there are some that I've walked away from, because they'd become stagnant or broken.
My journey in this life, has found me lucky and allowed me to walk along and learn from many people from all walks of life. In that time, I soaked up vitally important knowledge, but ultimately most come to an end. I move on to something different traveling to something else I need to learn.
The few people I am continually connected to are those I truly believe God placed in my life for both our goods. These are the people I can openly speak to, who allow me to grow and give me space. These are the people I can say anything to without fear. As I recently searched myself for a clearer understanding of what I want in this life, I realized who I needed to be in healthy satisfying relationships with. I learned that some people I hold on to are not in the same place as I am, and right now, I need people to truly understand the place I am in, whether they've been there before or not. That my sound selfish, and maybe it is...but this is where I am in this life.
I've found that I give much and get little, emotionally....my heart is big and easily broken. Sometimes I need a friend who will know it's about me, not always and even alot...but sometimes, I need it to be about me. I guess that's another reason why I am in love with those people around me that I can rely on, because they know that its about me sometimes and they don't begrudge me that right.
And because I'm not afraid to cry in front of them.
I am discovering that I have varying relationships on all these themes. There are very few people I know who will always be there for me to lean on. In fact, these people I can name easily. There are some who I've grown away from naturally as I sought my own road and self. But there are some that I've walked away from, because they'd become stagnant or broken.
My journey in this life, has found me lucky and allowed me to walk along and learn from many people from all walks of life. In that time, I soaked up vitally important knowledge, but ultimately most come to an end. I move on to something different traveling to something else I need to learn.
The few people I am continually connected to are those I truly believe God placed in my life for both our goods. These are the people I can openly speak to, who allow me to grow and give me space. These are the people I can say anything to without fear. As I recently searched myself for a clearer understanding of what I want in this life, I realized who I needed to be in healthy satisfying relationships with. I learned that some people I hold on to are not in the same place as I am, and right now, I need people to truly understand the place I am in, whether they've been there before or not. That my sound selfish, and maybe it is...but this is where I am in this life.
I've found that I give much and get little, emotionally....my heart is big and easily broken. Sometimes I need a friend who will know it's about me, not always and even alot...but sometimes, I need it to be about me. I guess that's another reason why I am in love with those people around me that I can rely on, because they know that its about me sometimes and they don't begrudge me that right.
And because I'm not afraid to cry in front of them.
The Tea Party
I try to put myself in other people's shoes, to see how they see and at least try to really understand where they are coming from before I dismiss them as crazy. So when I heard about this group of people calling themselves the Tea Party I decided not to judge, but instead to learn about them and what they believe. I didn't want to dismiss them as crazies because I first believed they were only picking on the President because he was black. But come on, in this world...the first black president, they couldn't possibly just be after him because he's black...could they?
Well, over a year later...I've been rudely awakened and shaken awake from the dream that this world (or should I say this country) would give this black man a chance. It turns out that my gut reaction was the truth, these people...these so called Tea Partiers that are out to take back the country are really only trying to take the country back from Minorities and Homosexuals. I discovered all this in the light of the passing of the health care reform bill. The reaction this group (of mostly white people) had was WAY over the top. They reduced themselves to name calling, hate-filled ranting and spitting (yes, spitting) on and at black and a gay congressmen. They've also begun to terrorize democratic representatives and senators, throwing bricks through both their home and office windows. Is it just me or has this whole thing thrown us back into the 1950's? I'm expecting someone to pull out the water hoses and let the dogs loose.
I don't find it strange that this is happening it's happened before, but I do find it painful to watch. That these people are so angry they aren't in charge they are willing to act like preschool children to make their point. The Republican party, who these people represent, are just a bunch of selfish, hateful racists, (Yes, I know that the head of the party is black, I also know that they hired him to look progressive and that they've wanted his head since he started the job). Wait, I know lots of Republicans, as a Christian I can't help but know lots of them. I don't consider any of them racists, but if they are sitting back and letting racists run their party, then I can call it that way.
For me, maybe the worse part of the whole thing is that they are no longer trying to even hide the fact that they hate blacks and our black President. They are actively fighting against anything President Obama does because he's black and because he's a democrat. They are actively doing and saying hateful things because they lost the "White" House. They are acting out because this is what they've been allowed to do since the turn of the century...basically, they are having a big ol' tantrum.
A Friend of mine asked me what the women of this group are doing in it? I told her that I didn't think they had really thought it out fully, this group is a bunch of boys wanting to take their country back. They want it to go back to the way it was when they had all the power. Basically going back to women in the kitchen, Homosexuals in the closet and Niggars in the fields! That's what they want in a nutshell. The country back run by right-wing white men, anything less isn't good enough!
Frankly, this whole group of mad people scare me, so do their leaders. One of whom seems to be Sarah Palin, who even in the election encouraged her followers to act and say racist things and since the election has done nothing but run her mouth into more and more stupid circles. I'm afraid for this country and to even think of the pains this causes...I'm afraid it'll spill over into the streets and into the general public. And I'm afraid of the imagine this is projecting to the world at large. We are a family infighting, but displaying it to everyone in the neighborhood...how embarrassing.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
You Know What I Hate?
When you have a great blogpost, but you get distracted before you save it and it's lost forever! That happened to me and it sucks!!!!! Back to the drawing board.
Until Next Time!
Until Next Time!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Knowing what I want and don't want
I've struggled for a very long time with the fact that I'm not married, not a mother and not in a relationship...for a long time it's been a fight I've been losing...for a long time I wished for something, anything. I didn't know what I wanted really; I just knew that everyone around me was getting married, falling in love or having babies. But now, as I am clearly surrounded by these things everyday, I am also surrounded by heartbroken friends whose relationships have failed or who are struggling to have a baby.
I've been very fortunate in my life to be surrounded by many different people...shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, education levels, everything! I've treated all these relationships in their varying forms as learning platforms. I've taken from them all things I want and don't want. The type of person I ultimately want to be and the type of person I wouldn't want to be in any form. I'm starting to understand now why I haven't been where I want in the subject of love...because I didn't know what I wanted...I haven't been (and still am not) fully prepared for everything that a healthy happy relationship needs or what I need it to be. I am currently sitting in a very selfish place, and as I look around me I see that that's not where I need to be if I am going to find the person I am to spend the rest of my life with.
I sit back and listen to certain (in my opinion very selfish and childish) people talk about their relationships, good and bad. I think about how happy I am that I don't sound that stupid, selfish or ignorant. I'm glad that I haven't been put in a situation where I think I'm happy but ultimately I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm happy that when it came to being in a relationship, I knew enough to step back and say this isn't right and I can't give myself away that easily.
Do I know what I want?...yes....I made a list remember....but my question is, have I grown into the person that he wants/needs? I don't know, and I won't until I meet him. I hope that when that day comes I'm no longer sitting in my selfish chair and I'm ready to give my everything in exchange for his. I want to look at my list and say, yes this is him. But I want him to look at his list and say the samething about me.
I know what I want and I know what I don't want....from myself and from someone else. The question is now...can I really live up to it?
I've been very fortunate in my life to be surrounded by many different people...shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, education levels, everything! I've treated all these relationships in their varying forms as learning platforms. I've taken from them all things I want and don't want. The type of person I ultimately want to be and the type of person I wouldn't want to be in any form. I'm starting to understand now why I haven't been where I want in the subject of love...because I didn't know what I wanted...I haven't been (and still am not) fully prepared for everything that a healthy happy relationship needs or what I need it to be. I am currently sitting in a very selfish place, and as I look around me I see that that's not where I need to be if I am going to find the person I am to spend the rest of my life with.
I sit back and listen to certain (in my opinion very selfish and childish) people talk about their relationships, good and bad. I think about how happy I am that I don't sound that stupid, selfish or ignorant. I'm glad that I haven't been put in a situation where I think I'm happy but ultimately I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm happy that when it came to being in a relationship, I knew enough to step back and say this isn't right and I can't give myself away that easily.
Do I know what I want?...yes....I made a list remember....but my question is, have I grown into the person that he wants/needs? I don't know, and I won't until I meet him. I hope that when that day comes I'm no longer sitting in my selfish chair and I'm ready to give my everything in exchange for his. I want to look at my list and say, yes this is him. But I want him to look at his list and say the samething about me.
I know what I want and I know what I don't want....from myself and from someone else. The question is now...can I really live up to it?
I was angry about this, then I was sad...
Last week, I asked certain people to describe me in a word (yes this is in direct correlation to a previous post). I got some good responses then the word Fallibilism popped up. I never even heard of it, wasn't sure how to pronounce it and was completely confused by it. I then noticed who it was from...my Pastor Kevin, and honestly I thought it was a typo (sorry Kevin). I texted him in reply and asked him what it meant. Later I actually spoke to him about it on the phone. He said the definition meant someone who's searching/questioning. I believe he took it as searching/questioning in an existance in God or a place for God in ones life. He then went on to say how much he missed me and wished I would come back to God. The thing is ...I never left God, just the church.
Yes, I did cease going to church, I have had my times of doubt and concern...I have searched and questioned, I have even held God at bay, but I haven't left God. I read my devotional daily, I talk to Him, question Him and rely on Him daily. I have a running dialogue with God and I commune with Him in my own way on a regular basis. But that's just it, In My Own Way! Some people think that because I'm not in a building that I've turned my back on God. The simple truth in my situation is that some of the people in that building and I don't follow or believe the same things. So I took a step back and decided that I needed to focus not so much on the pleasing of the people in the building but on my relationship with God.
It's easy to sit and act together. Pretend to listen, pretend to have a healthy dynamic relationship with God and be in this building. But ultimately you're lying. I needed to step back and look at it truthfully. See what I was doing, if it was working and how my relationship with God was fairing. Turns out I am a good actress and liar, because many people believed that show and never knew how hurt and numb I really was.
In our talk; Kevin said something about me getting back to the way my relationship with God was. I hope I don't fall that way. I didn't have a real relationship with God until I left the building. I've come leaps and bounds in the last few months. Unfortunately all anyone sees is my not going to a building where I learned to lie.
I was really upset about my talk with Kevin, but then I realized that I can't please everyone and I will no longer set out to. I can follow the path God put me on and learn as I go...I can continue to talk to Him, read His words and commune with the believers He's placed around me. One day I'm sure my path will lead me to a building, one I can be happy in surrounded by people who can really see me. Not just what they think I should be, but what I am. That day could be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's my journey and there's only one who knows my truth.
BTW: I know it's important to be in a fellowship with believers, I just don't believe the fellowship has to take place Sunday morning in a building. Where 2 or more are gathered he is there...it never gave a specific location. I'm pretty sure I had a great fellowship at Red Lobster on Sunday evening.
Yes, I did cease going to church, I have had my times of doubt and concern...I have searched and questioned, I have even held God at bay, but I haven't left God. I read my devotional daily, I talk to Him, question Him and rely on Him daily. I have a running dialogue with God and I commune with Him in my own way on a regular basis. But that's just it, In My Own Way! Some people think that because I'm not in a building that I've turned my back on God. The simple truth in my situation is that some of the people in that building and I don't follow or believe the same things. So I took a step back and decided that I needed to focus not so much on the pleasing of the people in the building but on my relationship with God.
It's easy to sit and act together. Pretend to listen, pretend to have a healthy dynamic relationship with God and be in this building. But ultimately you're lying. I needed to step back and look at it truthfully. See what I was doing, if it was working and how my relationship with God was fairing. Turns out I am a good actress and liar, because many people believed that show and never knew how hurt and numb I really was.
In our talk; Kevin said something about me getting back to the way my relationship with God was. I hope I don't fall that way. I didn't have a real relationship with God until I left the building. I've come leaps and bounds in the last few months. Unfortunately all anyone sees is my not going to a building where I learned to lie.
I was really upset about my talk with Kevin, but then I realized that I can't please everyone and I will no longer set out to. I can follow the path God put me on and learn as I go...I can continue to talk to Him, read His words and commune with the believers He's placed around me. One day I'm sure my path will lead me to a building, one I can be happy in surrounded by people who can really see me. Not just what they think I should be, but what I am. That day could be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's my journey and there's only one who knows my truth.
BTW: I know it's important to be in a fellowship with believers, I just don't believe the fellowship has to take place Sunday morning in a building. Where 2 or more are gathered he is there...it never gave a specific location. I'm pretty sure I had a great fellowship at Red Lobster on Sunday evening.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Best Compliment
I rarely get compliments, so the smallest little things give me great joy. If you meet me once and remember my name the next time we meet I take that as a compliment, because you cared enough to remember me. To me names are important, so I try to remember them and when someone remembers mine I am giddy!
This brings me to the best compliment I ever received....
Last year my manager sent out a text asking people to describe her in one word using the first letter of her name. We were talking about it at work with a co-worker who usually isn't in our office, in fact it was only the second time they had been there. We all took part in an inpromptu describing session, then changed the parameters to just describing each other in one word.
Here's something you should know about me..
I long for the days of old, not for the state of the country or world, but for the grace, style and manners of a time gone by. I love the thought of being a lady, of men being gentlmen and of walking with the grace that all that entails. Sadly, though we've made progress in many areas, this is one place where we've lost our way (in my opinion). I try my best to be lady like, most times I feel like I fail, but I strive for it and I think this compliment made me rethink what I consider daily failures.
Since I received it, almost daily it pops into my head, at the most random times I stop and think about it and why it's effected me so much...here's what I've come up with...
1. I've already stated, I try my best to be a lady, graceful, poised and proper.
2. The person who gave it had known me all of a day and a half (this was only the second time we'd met)
3. I was already totally intrigued by him.
4. It could simply be the way he looked at me when he said it (which I could totally be overthinking).
In truth, it could easily be one of these things or all of them. I'm thinking that all 4 play a roll in it. When I sit back and analyze it, I guess I'm just amazed because it did hit so close to home (especially coming from a relative stranger).
Hump!
Oh well...I guess you're wondering what he said....
The one word he used to describe me was ELEGANT.
Now, that might seem like nothing to you, but it meant the world to me.
This brings me to the best compliment I ever received....
Last year my manager sent out a text asking people to describe her in one word using the first letter of her name. We were talking about it at work with a co-worker who usually isn't in our office, in fact it was only the second time they had been there. We all took part in an inpromptu describing session, then changed the parameters to just describing each other in one word.
Here's something you should know about me..
I long for the days of old, not for the state of the country or world, but for the grace, style and manners of a time gone by. I love the thought of being a lady, of men being gentlmen and of walking with the grace that all that entails. Sadly, though we've made progress in many areas, this is one place where we've lost our way (in my opinion). I try my best to be lady like, most times I feel like I fail, but I strive for it and I think this compliment made me rethink what I consider daily failures.
Since I received it, almost daily it pops into my head, at the most random times I stop and think about it and why it's effected me so much...here's what I've come up with...
1. I've already stated, I try my best to be a lady, graceful, poised and proper.
2. The person who gave it had known me all of a day and a half (this was only the second time we'd met)
3. I was already totally intrigued by him.
4. It could simply be the way he looked at me when he said it (which I could totally be overthinking).
In truth, it could easily be one of these things or all of them. I'm thinking that all 4 play a roll in it. When I sit back and analyze it, I guess I'm just amazed because it did hit so close to home (especially coming from a relative stranger).
Hump!
Oh well...I guess you're wondering what he said....
The one word he used to describe me was ELEGANT.
Now, that might seem like nothing to you, but it meant the world to me.
It's been a while
I've been gone for a while, because I just didn't have anything to say! I had probably the hardest email I've ever had to write on my plate and since that is almost done I thought about coming on and letting everyone know I'm still alive.
This morning at about 4am we experience an earthquake in the Los Angeles Area, it was a mild 4.4 but we are experiencing earthquake weather (suddenly because it's been cold) and frankly we are due one. Last night didn't scare me, but it did wake me out of a nice sleep and made me get out of bed...I sleep under a window so its a natural instinct to get away from the glass. I've been hearing talk from people about how scared they were, but between the Whittier Narrows and Northridge quakes a 4.4 doesn't due anything but interrupt me rest.
Let's see is there anything else I feel the need to share...not really....oh my bank card was stole and I experienced that sudden unknowing of not having control. But my bank caught it and took care of everything so I didn't have to worry about it that much. And well work is work...
Other than that life has treated me kindly and I'm moving through it peacefully with as much grace as possible. Thank God for that!
This morning at about 4am we experience an earthquake in the Los Angeles Area, it was a mild 4.4 but we are experiencing earthquake weather (suddenly because it's been cold) and frankly we are due one. Last night didn't scare me, but it did wake me out of a nice sleep and made me get out of bed...I sleep under a window so its a natural instinct to get away from the glass. I've been hearing talk from people about how scared they were, but between the Whittier Narrows and Northridge quakes a 4.4 doesn't due anything but interrupt me rest.
Let's see is there anything else I feel the need to share...not really....oh my bank card was stole and I experienced that sudden unknowing of not having control. But my bank caught it and took care of everything so I didn't have to worry about it that much. And well work is work...
Other than that life has treated me kindly and I'm moving through it peacefully with as much grace as possible. Thank God for that!
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