Knowing what I want and don't want

  I've struggled for a very long time with the fact that I'm not married, not a mother and not in a relationship...for a long time it's been a fight I've been losing...for a long time I wished for something, anything. I didn't know what I wanted really; I just knew that everyone around me was getting married, falling in love or having babies. But now, as I am clearly surrounded by these things everyday, I am also surrounded by heartbroken friends whose relationships have failed or who are struggling to have a baby.

  I've been very fortunate in my life to be surrounded by many different people...shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, education levels, everything! I've treated all these relationships in their varying forms as learning platforms. I've taken from them all things I want and don't want. The type of person I ultimately want to be and the type of person I wouldn't want to be in any form. I'm starting to understand now why I haven't been where I want in the subject of love...because I didn't know what I wanted...I haven't been (and still am not) fully prepared for everything that a healthy happy relationship needs or what I need it to be. I am currently sitting in a very selfish place, and as I look around me I see that that's not where I need to be if I am going to find the person I am to spend the rest of my life with.

   I sit back and listen to certain (in my opinion very selfish and childish) people talk about their relationships, good and bad. I think about how happy I am that I don't sound that stupid, selfish or ignorant. I'm glad that I haven't been put in a situation where I think I'm happy but ultimately I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm happy that when it came to being in a relationship, I knew enough to step back and say this isn't right and I can't give myself away that easily.

   Do I know what I want?...yes....I made a list remember....but my question is, have I grown into the person that he wants/needs? I don't know, and I won't until I meet him. I hope that when that day comes I'm no longer sitting in my selfish chair and I'm ready to give my everything in exchange for his. I want to look at my list and say, yes this is him. But I want him to look at his list and say the samething about me.

   I know what I want and I know what I don't want....from myself and from someone else. The question is now...can I really live up to it?