We've got a new computer!
So I will be able to update this sucker more often...haven't been writing lately. I guess that means I'm doing well...after the last post I was emotionally drained so I took some time off...
I'm going to focus on the Photography blog getting pictures up over there so go by and see it!
I'll keep you all updated on my updating! See ya!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Writing, writing and more writing just on here
So, it's been a while since I've been on this blog...and sadly it's because I no longer have a computer at home! The house computer died and I no longer sit at the reception desk for long periods of time so my access to this blog is limited. I tried to update via the mobile app, but it will only let me upload a limited amount of characters so anything I say longer than a standard text is a moo point!
Anyway, it's the new year and I decided to do something new. I tend to over think stuff and then it all runs through my head for ridiculous periods of time. I rethink, analyze and question things repeatedly...it's driving me crazy. So I made myself a booklet and I'm writing it in every chance I get...I'm writing everything open letters, random thoughts...I'm just thinking on paper and surprisingly it's working...I'm not harping on things that I don't need to be harping on...it's making things so much easier to deal with and work through.
I made the booklet on the 5th of January and I've written in it everyday (except yesterday) since. It's a great relief. Some writings I will probably end up posting on this blog (in fact, some have already made it) most, probably not...I don't intend to hurt people (which some musing might do) but I do need to do this for myself, so what I can post I will, it's part of my journey, part of my life and growth. I'm trying to live my life out loud and to the fullest. So that means sharing as much of me as I can.
I'm excited, hope you are too!
Anyway, it's the new year and I decided to do something new. I tend to over think stuff and then it all runs through my head for ridiculous periods of time. I rethink, analyze and question things repeatedly...it's driving me crazy. So I made myself a booklet and I'm writing it in every chance I get...I'm writing everything open letters, random thoughts...I'm just thinking on paper and surprisingly it's working...I'm not harping on things that I don't need to be harping on...it's making things so much easier to deal with and work through.
I made the booklet on the 5th of January and I've written in it everyday (except yesterday) since. It's a great relief. Some writings I will probably end up posting on this blog (in fact, some have already made it) most, probably not...I don't intend to hurt people (which some musing might do) but I do need to do this for myself, so what I can post I will, it's part of my journey, part of my life and growth. I'm trying to live my life out loud and to the fullest. So that means sharing as much of me as I can.
I'm excited, hope you are too!
From January 9, 2010
DISCLAIMER: This is VERY personal, but I feel the need to post it, because maybe the person it's meant for will one day read it. Part of the reason I started this blog was so that my family would learn some things about me. But they aren't interested and have missed many many things...this is an open, angry, hurt letter...
So you think I'm not married and I don't have any kids because I dismissed the hundreds of guys beating down the door? You must think that it's easy for me to watch everyone else have babies or get married or actually go on a date.
So this is all my choice? This is everything I wanted my life to be and you're upset because you don't have any grand kids? Have you ever stopped to think that this isn't the life I wanted? That I wish everyday that I was married and a mother?
God and I have gone through this over and over again. And apparently I have to get use to the fact that I'm not getting married, I'm not having babies and no one wants me and God doesn't see fit to change that!
So I'm sorry you're disappointed, I'm sorry you have to deal with the burden of not having grand kids. I have to deal with the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But you're right, it's so bad for you, you have it so terribly bad!
Do me a favor don't ask me to go places with you just so you can bad mouth me in front of your friends, which you seem to do every time! Ever wonder why I don't like going certain places with you?
But wait you're too busy lamenting about your lack of grandchildren to think about how I feel!
So you think I'm not married and I don't have any kids because I dismissed the hundreds of guys beating down the door? You must think that it's easy for me to watch everyone else have babies or get married or actually go on a date.
So this is all my choice? This is everything I wanted my life to be and you're upset because you don't have any grand kids? Have you ever stopped to think that this isn't the life I wanted? That I wish everyday that I was married and a mother?
God and I have gone through this over and over again. And apparently I have to get use to the fact that I'm not getting married, I'm not having babies and no one wants me and God doesn't see fit to change that!
So I'm sorry you're disappointed, I'm sorry you have to deal with the burden of not having grand kids. I have to deal with the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But you're right, it's so bad for you, you have it so terribly bad!
Do me a favor don't ask me to go places with you just so you can bad mouth me in front of your friends, which you seem to do every time! Ever wonder why I don't like going certain places with you?
But wait you're too busy lamenting about your lack of grandchildren to think about how I feel!
(From January 8, 2010) The Aldersons
This post isn't set out to belittle any family type relationships I have with others. It's just to point out the overwhelming sense of joy my heart feels at this point in time about the possibility of being wanted...as sad as that may sound.
God places us in a family unit to learn and grow while we are young, but sometimes the members of that family do more harm than good. Because of this we may unknowingly search for a suitable replacement. My childhood was scarred. I held resentment toward most people around me, so at a young age my search began.
Over the years I've found many variations on a family I can plug myself into, places where I felt comfortable and never left. Over time as I grew as a person I've strayed from most of those relationships moving onto a new family that could fit my needs.
This has been my pattern but that pattern has just changed. I've found a new family but this time instead of me imposing myself on them (which I actually tried to avoid, so I wouldn't be a pest) they grabbed me and haven't let go. What do I say but Thank You to them and to God. There's so much love showering down on me that it almost feels like the void of love I don't get from certain blood relatives is full...
Almost!
God places us in a family unit to learn and grow while we are young, but sometimes the members of that family do more harm than good. Because of this we may unknowingly search for a suitable replacement. My childhood was scarred. I held resentment toward most people around me, so at a young age my search began.
Over the years I've found many variations on a family I can plug myself into, places where I felt comfortable and never left. Over time as I grew as a person I've strayed from most of those relationships moving onto a new family that could fit my needs.
This has been my pattern but that pattern has just changed. I've found a new family but this time instead of me imposing myself on them (which I actually tried to avoid, so I wouldn't be a pest) they grabbed me and haven't let go. What do I say but Thank You to them and to God. There's so much love showering down on me that it almost feels like the void of love I don't get from certain blood relatives is full...
Almost!
From January 6, 2010
My prayers with God are like a running conversation in my head, they never really stop, I never really say Amen, it's just me and Him talking. His voice is like that voice everyone has in their head, the voice of reason. You see to me, I know what God wants from me. I just don't want to do it. His voice in my head reminds me of his plan for me. It's a plan I've known about for a long time, a plan He has used other people to drop seeds and hints to me about it.
In the last 6 months our conversations have run through many topics, but there are a few recurring ones. Nurturing friendships, honoring Him by helping others, getting into His words and going back to school. God has recently put people in my life that retrieve passed conversation (between He and I) and bring back certain things to the forefront of my mind. As always, He's laying the foundation and using others to build on top of it. To remind me of what should be important in my life...worrying about things I can't control isn't as important as I think it is.
Right now, I'm only fighting it because I'm scared, but I know He's with me and there's nothing to fear, but my humanness is still a scared child in the dark. I'm sure these conversations will continue. I'm sure I will continue to fight against His lead because my human fear is holding me back. Even though I have an idea of what I need to to do, the path isn't completely lit...so I struggle against that fear of the dark (unknown).
I can feel Him standing beside me encouraging me to leap, but my feet are glued to the spot and I'm hiding my face in His robes!
In the last 6 months our conversations have run through many topics, but there are a few recurring ones. Nurturing friendships, honoring Him by helping others, getting into His words and going back to school. God has recently put people in my life that retrieve passed conversation (between He and I) and bring back certain things to the forefront of my mind. As always, He's laying the foundation and using others to build on top of it. To remind me of what should be important in my life...worrying about things I can't control isn't as important as I think it is.
Right now, I'm only fighting it because I'm scared, but I know He's with me and there's nothing to fear, but my humanness is still a scared child in the dark. I'm sure these conversations will continue. I'm sure I will continue to fight against His lead because my human fear is holding me back. Even though I have an idea of what I need to to do, the path isn't completely lit...so I struggle against that fear of the dark (unknown).
I can feel Him standing beside me encouraging me to leap, but my feet are glued to the spot and I'm hiding my face in His robes!
From January 5, 2010
I had an interesting conversation with Momma Maria today. She told me about a dream she had about me.
I was working for a mega church apparently with a lot of responsibilities and I was traveling all over the place. My hair was different (the way I want it, before I told her how I want it) and we were at the church's coffee shop. I was on a date (with a tall guy). But I think the most encouraging thing was that I was happy.
I'm going through a transition right now, I feel okay (sometimes) that I'm not where I thought I'd be in life especially the "not married" part. But there are days when I'm down about not being in a relationship (like today when I noticed an engagement ring on a co-workers finger), about not having ever been in love, about whether or not I ever will be.
The conversation made me think and gave me a warm felling inside, like this could happen for me. That maybe God knows what he's doing. But Maria was right, he show us things we choose not to see. Maybe I'm not seeing what God has for me because I'm too busy telling him what I want.
I was working for a mega church apparently with a lot of responsibilities and I was traveling all over the place. My hair was different (the way I want it, before I told her how I want it) and we were at the church's coffee shop. I was on a date (with a tall guy). But I think the most encouraging thing was that I was happy.
I'm going through a transition right now, I feel okay (sometimes) that I'm not where I thought I'd be in life especially the "not married" part. But there are days when I'm down about not being in a relationship (like today when I noticed an engagement ring on a co-workers finger), about not having ever been in love, about whether or not I ever will be.
The conversation made me think and gave me a warm felling inside, like this could happen for me. That maybe God knows what he's doing. But Maria was right, he show us things we choose not to see. Maybe I'm not seeing what God has for me because I'm too busy telling him what I want.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Christmas Aft!
I was not looking forward to celebrating Christmas at all. I didn't want to deal with people coming to the house, my grandma getting drunk and having to deal with my father who doesn't want to do anything, but wants to take all the credit. And all that stuff happened, but something unexpected happened too.
I was lamenting on Facebook about how much I wasn't looking forward to Christmas and Martha invited me up to Ventura to spend Christmas with them...then Jacquie said I should come up for Christmas Aft fondue at her house (it was more like come up here or feel my wraith). So on Christmas day I told my mom that I would be going to Ventura on Saturday and I invited her, but she didn't want to go. So I went and you know what! I had a ball....
I really enjoy the Gill, Alderson, Bangs family and felt so humbled by all the hugs and warm wishes I received when I got there. Even the kids were cool (even though I'm not sure they knew who I was). I spent the whole day there, just hanging out, talking, playing games, eating and enjoying the day! I had so much fun that I will fondly remember this day as my Christmas.
It was really nice to be around all that love and joy for the day. I had a great time!
I was lamenting on Facebook about how much I wasn't looking forward to Christmas and Martha invited me up to Ventura to spend Christmas with them...then Jacquie said I should come up for Christmas Aft fondue at her house (it was more like come up here or feel my wraith). So on Christmas day I told my mom that I would be going to Ventura on Saturday and I invited her, but she didn't want to go. So I went and you know what! I had a ball....
I really enjoy the Gill, Alderson, Bangs family and felt so humbled by all the hugs and warm wishes I received when I got there. Even the kids were cool (even though I'm not sure they knew who I was). I spent the whole day there, just hanging out, talking, playing games, eating and enjoying the day! I had so much fun that I will fondly remember this day as my Christmas.
It was really nice to be around all that love and joy for the day. I had a great time!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I just don't get it?!
I was reading the headlines on google news yesterday and came across one that simply left me speechless.
Apparently Danny Glover (of Lethal Weapon fame) came out and said that the President isn't doing enough for black people. To which the President basically replied, I'm the President of the United States not the President of Black People. I like that come back.
For me as a black woman, I can be proud to say that this Black Man has set an example as a man, husband, father, leader that the black community rarely sees. So that, in it self, is enough! Now, on the whole, as a citizen of this country, I do believe that our President is doing his best. I believe that he is, in fact, working his butt off to rebuild our crumbling economy and overblown self-righteousness. I think he's hard at work trying to make a difference in what short time he has (at this point I don't have high hopes that the American people will re-elect him). In this 11 months he's had in office he has accomplished so much, but people only see what they want.
The question that always pops into my mind is, "would this be happening if he was white?"...truthfully, I hate to admit it, but I don't think it would. I believe that if President Barack Obama was President Tom Doe he wouldn't be under that same pressure. I am frankly, very angry that anyone in the black community can be so selfish. I don't get it, maybe it's because I didn't grow up in the black community, but at some point we, as black people, have to stop pointing the one finger at others and look at those three that are pointing back at us!
He never said he was going to Washington to paint the White House Black. He never said he was going to make things better for only black people. He said he would do his best to restore this country to it's former greatness...trying to bring EVERYONE to a greater standing as a whole. It's not his fault that people in the black community only saw the color of his skin and voted for him because of it (which makes you as bad as the people who voted against him because of it) and didn't listen to him speak or learn about his brand of politics. Black people if you thought he was going to come out fist baring telling "whitey" to pay up or whatever then you obviously need to go back under whatever rock you came from. Because you missed the point.
Maybe my father is right, maybe this country will always be corrupt, maybe black people will always face challenges, but right now, he's not the one causing the divide...."black activists" like Danny Glover are....
And Black People if you really want to hate on a black political figure hate on Michael Steele, leader of the Republican Party....yes he's black!
Apparently Danny Glover (of Lethal Weapon fame) came out and said that the President isn't doing enough for black people. To which the President basically replied, I'm the President of the United States not the President of Black People. I like that come back.
For me as a black woman, I can be proud to say that this Black Man has set an example as a man, husband, father, leader that the black community rarely sees. So that, in it self, is enough! Now, on the whole, as a citizen of this country, I do believe that our President is doing his best. I believe that he is, in fact, working his butt off to rebuild our crumbling economy and overblown self-righteousness. I think he's hard at work trying to make a difference in what short time he has (at this point I don't have high hopes that the American people will re-elect him). In this 11 months he's had in office he has accomplished so much, but people only see what they want.
The question that always pops into my mind is, "would this be happening if he was white?"...truthfully, I hate to admit it, but I don't think it would. I believe that if President Barack Obama was President Tom Doe he wouldn't be under that same pressure. I am frankly, very angry that anyone in the black community can be so selfish. I don't get it, maybe it's because I didn't grow up in the black community, but at some point we, as black people, have to stop pointing the one finger at others and look at those three that are pointing back at us!
He never said he was going to Washington to paint the White House Black. He never said he was going to make things better for only black people. He said he would do his best to restore this country to it's former greatness...trying to bring EVERYONE to a greater standing as a whole. It's not his fault that people in the black community only saw the color of his skin and voted for him because of it (which makes you as bad as the people who voted against him because of it) and didn't listen to him speak or learn about his brand of politics. Black people if you thought he was going to come out fist baring telling "whitey" to pay up or whatever then you obviously need to go back under whatever rock you came from. Because you missed the point.
Maybe my father is right, maybe this country will always be corrupt, maybe black people will always face challenges, but right now, he's not the one causing the divide...."black activists" like Danny Glover are....
And Black People if you really want to hate on a black political figure hate on Michael Steele, leader of the Republican Party....yes he's black!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Happiness is a Gift!
This morning I laid away most of the day. It's just way to cold to do anything, and tomorrow we are having a storm...yes "storm watch" has officially hit Southern California! So I didn't do anything today...in fact, I mostly stayed in bed so I wouldn't have to endure any coverage for the Florida Gators loss to Alabama. It was tough to watch, but I did. Then I promptly turned the television off and went about my business.
I thought it was going to be hard when I finally got out of the bed and onto the Net to see what everyone in the sports world was saying about the game. It's funny, I watched an interview with Tim Tebow (Florida Quarterback) before I got out of the bed. I didn't get to watch it prior to the game so I watched it today. In it he said, "I know that when the good happens it God's will and when the bad happens it God's will, so I'm okay with it." In context of the game...that's a great thing to hear. But in context of life, it's AMAZING!
The truth is everything that happens is in God's hands...and no matter what happens in this life, he is in control of it all! He will lead us, walk beside us and carry us when we need it, so there's no need to sit around and think what if?. All we can do is ask God for his grace, joy and love. For Him to protect us and ultimately do His will. I think that the most important thing is to get out of His way and just let it all happen.
Anywho, I finally got up this morning and was incredibly upbeat, happy and joyful! I didn't really feel bad about the game or anything else for that matter. I actually feel pretty great. I don't know if I really chose to be happy today, because frankly I don't know where this happiness is coming from, but I hope it lasts!
I even had a moment, when I thought about the things I need to do tomorrow at work, and I was almost giddy about it. I am so happy that I don't have to do hospitality anymore and that I am now freed up to work on other stuff, learn and expand my knowledge base, so that I can move on to bigger and better things! I'm trying to treat everyday like a learning experience and ultimately the things I learn in work are going expand me in more ways than just work!
So again, I know happiness is a choice, I know I'm choosing to be happy with my circumstances everyday! But today my happiness was completely unexpected and very welcome! It's a great day!
Until Next Time...
I thought it was going to be hard when I finally got out of the bed and onto the Net to see what everyone in the sports world was saying about the game. It's funny, I watched an interview with Tim Tebow (Florida Quarterback) before I got out of the bed. I didn't get to watch it prior to the game so I watched it today. In it he said, "I know that when the good happens it God's will and when the bad happens it God's will, so I'm okay with it." In context of the game...that's a great thing to hear. But in context of life, it's AMAZING!
The truth is everything that happens is in God's hands...and no matter what happens in this life, he is in control of it all! He will lead us, walk beside us and carry us when we need it, so there's no need to sit around and think what if?. All we can do is ask God for his grace, joy and love. For Him to protect us and ultimately do His will. I think that the most important thing is to get out of His way and just let it all happen.
Anywho, I finally got up this morning and was incredibly upbeat, happy and joyful! I didn't really feel bad about the game or anything else for that matter. I actually feel pretty great. I don't know if I really chose to be happy today, because frankly I don't know where this happiness is coming from, but I hope it lasts!
I even had a moment, when I thought about the things I need to do tomorrow at work, and I was almost giddy about it. I am so happy that I don't have to do hospitality anymore and that I am now freed up to work on other stuff, learn and expand my knowledge base, so that I can move on to bigger and better things! I'm trying to treat everyday like a learning experience and ultimately the things I learn in work are going expand me in more ways than just work!
So again, I know happiness is a choice, I know I'm choosing to be happy with my circumstances everyday! But today my happiness was completely unexpected and very welcome! It's a great day!
Until Next Time...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Doesn't matter if your Fat or Skinny...
I love Victoria Beckham. I love her style and I love the way she carries herself. I think that she is a great lady in the way that she knows how to dress for the appropriate situation whether she's meeting the queen or walking through the park with her husband. Many people would probably be surprised that I like her, but if you really know me, it wouldn't surprise you! I long for the days when people actually got dressed up to go out of their house, whether it be to run to the market or to go out to dinner. There was a time where women dressed and acted like ladies and men dressed and acted like gentlemen. I miss that time, but I admire people like David and Victoria Beckham for bringing a little of that class back into this society of dressing like a ho and pimp!
Now, there is one thing that people would find offensive about Victoria...she's super skinny. Yes she is...funny thing, it never bothered me that she's so small. I never thought about it like that. I never saw past the great outfit to see what size was shown on the labels.
I'm not skinny and I've never been skinny. I don't think I ever will be and I don't strive to be! I strive to be happy....happy within myself and the body, personality and traits I've been given. I can't buy the clothes (size or designers) that she can, but I can hold myself up like a lady.
I don't consider myself fat, although others may, I am overweight, chunky, hefty even. But I'm not fat. Am I happy with the size I am? Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, most times I don't care. I do care if I'm healthy though. I don't always make the right decisions on what I do or eat, and if I did I may not be the size I am, but I may not be much smaller than I am now either.
We have such a false sense of beauty in this country that striving for what we see around us will destroy us! Shouldn't we be striving to be happy with ourselves? There are women and men who work out everyday and will never be a size smaller than 10. Not because they don't take care of themselves, but because their body isn't the stereotypical type.
I have a co-worker who's going on a new health plan. I'm happy for her, but I've been trying to make sure she's doing it for the right reasons...mainly for herself. Not because of what other people think she should do or look like. She's not fat by any means, but she's not happy with certain parts of her body and she wants to fix them. Good for her! I'm glad for her and will do my best to be encouraging! I've been doing the same for someone else that I work with. She wasn't happy and decided to do something about it. I try to encourage her with my humor and wit. I will continue to do this until she doesn't need it anymore. But I think everyone needs some encouragement.
To me it doesn't matter if you're fat or skinny as long as your happy. I can understand people wanting to be healthy, you can be healthy and large...you can be skinny and very healthy, but ultimately you have to be happy within yourself. Because if you're happy you won't care what the world says you should be. Besides if you look around you'll see that most of people who try to tell you what you should be really aren't happy with themselves!
Don't Hold On To It....Just Let It Go!!!
There are people in my life that I am inherently like...I can't help that my learned traits (and some I was born with) mirror the people who've been around me my entire life. I have excepted that I will always default to these traits, whether I like it or not, I just do. I've been called a brat and evil. I've been told that I am so selfish that I am destroying some one's life. I have, in fact, taken these very harsh and negative words used to hurt me and tried to do my best not to ultimately become like the person who launched them at me.
Over the years I've held on to things that frankly, weren't worth a second thought. I've thought about them time and again, allowed them to bring me to anger or tears and denied myself letting them go for the thought of "I'll get them back one day". But really will I get them back? Will I have the balls to bring it up in conversation?...will I ever even see the person who offended me? Probably not! I hold on to them because I'm too weak to just let it go.
About ten years ago I realized the path I was on and set out to not be like certain people around me. I found people I could learn good positive things from and I grew closer to them, leaving behind old ways and people. I've learned to love without condition, see with new eyes and from a different perspective and most importantly I've learned to let things go and forgive.
Forgiveness is not for the offender, but the offended. Some people will never know that they hurt you or that you are angry with them. Some may know and not care...90 percent of the offenses we will encounter won't end in an apology. So we treat them like unresolved situations when really we should just forgive and move on.
A prominent figure in my life has been holding on to things for most of my life. If you ask why he/she feels that way about someone or something they'll tell you a story that happened in the 70's, 80's or maybe even the 60's. The rational they use to hold on to this doesn't make sense and is actually tiring. This person can tell you they don't get along with a family member because that person borrowed money and never paid it back...it happened in 1980 something...the borrower doesn't remember and if you're not going to remind them just drop it!
Over these years I've been offended, I've forgiven and moved on. I've tried, with great effort, not to hold on to anything that isn't productive to my life. My resolve has been tested, but I always try to defer to what I learned as a child...Forgive and forget, turn the other cheek. Over time (AFTER you've forgiven), you may be able to forget but only after you remove it from your mind with forgiveness. God calls us to forgive, FOR US, for our peace of mind, for our growth and spiritual awareness. There's no reason to hold on to things that are not productive. There's no reason to hold on to something for 20 years, when you're not ready to step up and voice you're opinion on it.
If you must hold on to it, don't be a coward, speak. But my advice would be to let it go...you'll feel better and maybe, just maybe, you can let your overall bitterness go and people would want to share in a moment with you!
Now, all that being said, I do have one thing I struggle with in this regard. (If you knew the story you probably wouldn't hesitate to allow me this one thing.) It's a struggle that God has been trying to walk me through most of my life. There are days when I feel like I can forgive, then there are days when I choose to hold on to it. I'm not perfect, minor offenses I will readily let go...but this HUGE trauma will ALWAYS effect me and my relationships forever! I don't think that God will rush me through it, He understand the pain and loss...but He has called me to forgive and that I will always try my best to do!
Over the years I've held on to things that frankly, weren't worth a second thought. I've thought about them time and again, allowed them to bring me to anger or tears and denied myself letting them go for the thought of "I'll get them back one day". But really will I get them back? Will I have the balls to bring it up in conversation?...will I ever even see the person who offended me? Probably not! I hold on to them because I'm too weak to just let it go.
About ten years ago I realized the path I was on and set out to not be like certain people around me. I found people I could learn good positive things from and I grew closer to them, leaving behind old ways and people. I've learned to love without condition, see with new eyes and from a different perspective and most importantly I've learned to let things go and forgive.
Forgiveness is not for the offender, but the offended. Some people will never know that they hurt you or that you are angry with them. Some may know and not care...90 percent of the offenses we will encounter won't end in an apology. So we treat them like unresolved situations when really we should just forgive and move on.
A prominent figure in my life has been holding on to things for most of my life. If you ask why he/she feels that way about someone or something they'll tell you a story that happened in the 70's, 80's or maybe even the 60's. The rational they use to hold on to this doesn't make sense and is actually tiring. This person can tell you they don't get along with a family member because that person borrowed money and never paid it back...it happened in 1980 something...the borrower doesn't remember and if you're not going to remind them just drop it!
Over these years I've been offended, I've forgiven and moved on. I've tried, with great effort, not to hold on to anything that isn't productive to my life. My resolve has been tested, but I always try to defer to what I learned as a child...Forgive and forget, turn the other cheek. Over time (AFTER you've forgiven), you may be able to forget but only after you remove it from your mind with forgiveness. God calls us to forgive, FOR US, for our peace of mind, for our growth and spiritual awareness. There's no reason to hold on to things that are not productive. There's no reason to hold on to something for 20 years, when you're not ready to step up and voice you're opinion on it.
If you must hold on to it, don't be a coward, speak. But my advice would be to let it go...you'll feel better and maybe, just maybe, you can let your overall bitterness go and people would want to share in a moment with you!
Now, all that being said, I do have one thing I struggle with in this regard. (If you knew the story you probably wouldn't hesitate to allow me this one thing.) It's a struggle that God has been trying to walk me through most of my life. There are days when I feel like I can forgive, then there are days when I choose to hold on to it. I'm not perfect, minor offenses I will readily let go...but this HUGE trauma will ALWAYS effect me and my relationships forever! I don't think that God will rush me through it, He understand the pain and loss...but He has called me to forgive and that I will always try my best to do!
Happiness Is a Choice!
I once hear someone say, love is a choice...you don't fall in and out of love. you choose every day to love someone or something! I've thought, mediated and reflected on that thought on many occasions since then. I do believe that statement, I do believe that we choose who we love. Even the people we don't like (certain family members or friends of friends or people you go to church with) we may choose to love. I was recently reflecting on my current state of happiness and how, despite being frustrated and anger at time throughout the year, I have been happy! I'm choosing everyday to be happy and thankful for the blessings I have in my life.
I'm choosing!
We take for granted the every day mundane things we have in our lives...the ability to think rationally, the ability to breathe without help, the ability to walk, talk, smell, see, use our hands...small things that we just do (hey the ability to blink). We don't necessarily think "oh it's time to sallow" or "it's time to blink"...no, our bodies just to do it! And that's a miraculous thing. So why not be thankful for it or happy to have it?
I've had a difficult year at work, but no matter how hard it got I was happy that I had a job, when so many do not. I've looked at the circumstances of my life. They aren't perfect...there are certainly things I want (don't need'em, but want'em), but I have chosen to wake up every day and be happy with what I have. God has blessed me with so much and everyday I am happy to experience what He has in store for me, whether it be hard or easy. It's part of the journey and I am happy to still be on it.
There are people around me that only see the negative. I feel bad for them, they have completely missed the point. They don't see the smallest blessings...I would take the small ones over the big ones any day. I am happy to have friends, however few, I am happy to see that they are happy. We never seem to really be happy because there's always something we can find the negative in...but maybe, just maybe, if we stop looking for the negative and focus on the positive we can truly be happy within our own situation.
So, yes I can stand up and say that I believe, truly, that happiness is a choice and I choose everyday to be happy in my small life in this world. I don't care how big it is, I just care that I am blessed and happy! I hope that you can choose to be happy too!
Until Next Time
I'm choosing!
We take for granted the every day mundane things we have in our lives...the ability to think rationally, the ability to breathe without help, the ability to walk, talk, smell, see, use our hands...small things that we just do (hey the ability to blink). We don't necessarily think "oh it's time to sallow" or "it's time to blink"...no, our bodies just to do it! And that's a miraculous thing. So why not be thankful for it or happy to have it?
I've had a difficult year at work, but no matter how hard it got I was happy that I had a job, when so many do not. I've looked at the circumstances of my life. They aren't perfect...there are certainly things I want (don't need'em, but want'em), but I have chosen to wake up every day and be happy with what I have. God has blessed me with so much and everyday I am happy to experience what He has in store for me, whether it be hard or easy. It's part of the journey and I am happy to still be on it.
There are people around me that only see the negative. I feel bad for them, they have completely missed the point. They don't see the smallest blessings...I would take the small ones over the big ones any day. I am happy to have friends, however few, I am happy to see that they are happy. We never seem to really be happy because there's always something we can find the negative in...but maybe, just maybe, if we stop looking for the negative and focus on the positive we can truly be happy within our own situation.
So, yes I can stand up and say that I believe, truly, that happiness is a choice and I choose everyday to be happy in my small life in this world. I don't care how big it is, I just care that I am blessed and happy! I hope that you can choose to be happy too!
Until Next Time
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thanksgiving 2009
So this was going to be a Happy Day full of food and family and of course...it ends with me being treated like a second class citizen, because my father has issues with me. Whatever, his problems are his problems and there is nothing on this earth I can do to make him happy. So I stopped trying to understand him or make him happy a long time ago. I just try my best to NOT be like him.
Thanksgiving is a day about family and being thankful for the things and people you have in your life! I try my best to be thankful everyday, but this is a day where we sit down and actually think about what we have to be thankful for!
In this time of economic trauma a lot of people will find it difficult to find thankfulness...which makes me even more thankful for what I've been blessed with this year. I'm not going to name everything...but there is one thing I am especially grateful to God for...he has showed me what I am missing and though I'm not all the way back I'm slowly making my way to him.
I am grateful most of all for the opportunity I had to volunteer this year and I'm thankful that my mom and Amber and Danae wanted to do it too!
Like I said I have tons of reasons to be thankful! But I just wanted to share those two things...I'm not trying to pat myself on the back...just trying to remember that feeling...which was awesome!
Thank You!
Thanksgiving is a day about family and being thankful for the things and people you have in your life! I try my best to be thankful everyday, but this is a day where we sit down and actually think about what we have to be thankful for!
In this time of economic trauma a lot of people will find it difficult to find thankfulness...which makes me even more thankful for what I've been blessed with this year. I'm not going to name everything...but there is one thing I am especially grateful to God for...he has showed me what I am missing and though I'm not all the way back I'm slowly making my way to him.
I am grateful most of all for the opportunity I had to volunteer this year and I'm thankful that my mom and Amber and Danae wanted to do it too!
Like I said I have tons of reasons to be thankful! But I just wanted to share those two things...I'm not trying to pat myself on the back...just trying to remember that feeling...which was awesome!
Thank You!
Did Adam Lambert Go Too Far?
Now, I only watch American Idol the first two weeks of the show...that's when all the bad singers are on! After that I'm done, I don't watch or worry about it in any way or form! I wouldn't know who Adam Lambert was if it hadn't of been for my cousin who loves him and watched American Idol hoping he would win it all! Well he didn't, she said it was rigged...it went to someone else, whatever!
Still I didn't care, couldn't give two cents to care...until my brother showed me his album cover (which is totally ripped off from Boy George) and I was mildly interested in what this guy was gonna come up with next! But not that much because I could have watched him on on the American Music Awards last weekend, but I chose to go to sleep instead!
The next morning I wake up to the knowledge that he pulled off some kind of inappropriate performance full of sex, violence and risque behavior not suitable for kids, Dick Clark Productions or the House of Mouse (owner of ABC). I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I couldn't watch it on the net, so I asked around...only one person could tell me what it was about and I agreed with her...inappropriate! The next day, I heard more about it in the media and I decided to look for in on the net...it's since been taken down. So I haven't seen it....but I did see something in a headline...why are we getting so up in arms about Adam Lambert in 2009 when we didn't care about Britney and Madonna and Christina a few years ago?
I surely didn't care then and I don't really care now, but I know that if I was a parent of a teen or preteen I would have been appalled that this form of entertainment (remember I haven't seen it, this is all from what I've heard) was available for my kid during a very superficial award show.
But I'm not a parent and I didn't see it....so all I have is hear say from all over...so like the title of this post I have one question...Did Adam Lambert go to far?
What's your opinion? How do you feel about the whole situation? Did he indeed go to far or am I and the media making too big a deal about it?
Still I didn't care, couldn't give two cents to care...until my brother showed me his album cover (which is totally ripped off from Boy George) and I was mildly interested in what this guy was gonna come up with next! But not that much because I could have watched him on on the American Music Awards last weekend, but I chose to go to sleep instead!
The next morning I wake up to the knowledge that he pulled off some kind of inappropriate performance full of sex, violence and risque behavior not suitable for kids, Dick Clark Productions or the House of Mouse (owner of ABC). I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I couldn't watch it on the net, so I asked around...only one person could tell me what it was about and I agreed with her...inappropriate! The next day, I heard more about it in the media and I decided to look for in on the net...it's since been taken down. So I haven't seen it....but I did see something in a headline...why are we getting so up in arms about Adam Lambert in 2009 when we didn't care about Britney and Madonna and Christina a few years ago?
I surely didn't care then and I don't really care now, but I know that if I was a parent of a teen or preteen I would have been appalled that this form of entertainment (remember I haven't seen it, this is all from what I've heard) was available for my kid during a very superficial award show.
But I'm not a parent and I didn't see it....so all I have is hear say from all over...so like the title of this post I have one question...Did Adam Lambert go to far?
What's your opinion? How do you feel about the whole situation? Did he indeed go to far or am I and the media making too big a deal about it?
New Moon Movie Review
So, as a fan of books, movies and some books turned into movies...I gladly shelled out money to watch this book turned movie. Now, I did the same last year...I shouldn't have, but like all things I had to learn the hard way. Anyone who says that the first installment of this saga (Twilight) needs to seek professional help!
The book was so compelling and well written that I could only hope the movie (Twilight) would be the same, but I was sorely disappointed with it. I'm so used to movie makers taking books like LotR and Harry Potters (and even 300 and Watchmen) and actually turning them into must watch movies, that I forgot the director couldn't direct! If it wasn't for the book Twilight would have been sunk in the water.
So, knowing my disappointment with the first I still stepped up to the second, hopeful that a new director and more money would make a better movie. And I was right....
It's no classic, but it is a good popcorn fest...it's full of moments from the book that I hoped I'd experience in the movie. I like the cinematography, the colors used and captured, I even liked the wolves. But I was most impressed with Michael Sheen as Aro!
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! I can't seem to get passed the fact that in real life he looks like he may smell, he's completely opposition of Edward (and I know he's an actor and is playing a role) but all I see is stink rising off his body. I don't really care for him as Edward...the only time I feel like he was Edward like was in the first film, when he is first introduced, after that it's all been a let down. Kristen Stewart...I've seen her in a couple non-Twilight related movies in which I think she did a good job, but in this movie it was more looking torn...biting her lips and overall blankness.
Alice (played by Ashley Greene) is my favorite character and Ms. Greene does a great job as her...although there is a scene where she jumps a railing that was completely unnecessary.
The visual effects were better! You cold see the difference between the eye colors of the different Vampires, which was very very slight last movie. I enjoyed watching the wolves more than I thought I would. And on the Wolves...I really like the makeup that was done on Emily (Sam's fiance), it was always hard for me to image her look, but they nailed it!
Other than Robert and Kristen the only thing I didn't like was the score...it was way tooo cheesey...and I love cheese, but this was like Velveta on top of Velveta!
Michael Sheen as Aro....wow! Perfection! There's nothing else to say, but that man is a real actor...true! He can take a role and own it...I was so glad he was chosen for this role and he didn't disappoint one bit!
So overall I would recommend this movie...if only for those who heard something of the books...if you haven't you could wait until it's on DVD would you may lose something in the effects! Enjoy
The book was so compelling and well written that I could only hope the movie (Twilight) would be the same, but I was sorely disappointed with it. I'm so used to movie makers taking books like LotR and Harry Potters (and even 300 and Watchmen) and actually turning them into must watch movies, that I forgot the director couldn't direct! If it wasn't for the book Twilight would have been sunk in the water.
So, knowing my disappointment with the first I still stepped up to the second, hopeful that a new director and more money would make a better movie. And I was right....
It's no classic, but it is a good popcorn fest...it's full of moments from the book that I hoped I'd experience in the movie. I like the cinematography, the colors used and captured, I even liked the wolves. But I was most impressed with Michael Sheen as Aro!
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! I can't seem to get passed the fact that in real life he looks like he may smell, he's completely opposition of Edward (and I know he's an actor and is playing a role) but all I see is stink rising off his body. I don't really care for him as Edward...the only time I feel like he was Edward like was in the first film, when he is first introduced, after that it's all been a let down. Kristen Stewart...I've seen her in a couple non-Twilight related movies in which I think she did a good job, but in this movie it was more looking torn...biting her lips and overall blankness.
Alice (played by Ashley Greene) is my favorite character and Ms. Greene does a great job as her...although there is a scene where she jumps a railing that was completely unnecessary.
The visual effects were better! You cold see the difference between the eye colors of the different Vampires, which was very very slight last movie. I enjoyed watching the wolves more than I thought I would. And on the Wolves...I really like the makeup that was done on Emily (Sam's fiance), it was always hard for me to image her look, but they nailed it!
Other than Robert and Kristen the only thing I didn't like was the score...it was way tooo cheesey...and I love cheese, but this was like Velveta on top of Velveta!
Michael Sheen as Aro....wow! Perfection! There's nothing else to say, but that man is a real actor...true! He can take a role and own it...I was so glad he was chosen for this role and he didn't disappoint one bit!
So overall I would recommend this movie...if only for those who heard something of the books...if you haven't you could wait until it's on DVD would you may lose something in the effects! Enjoy
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
So Many Things I Want to Say!!!
I've been thinking about several different topics I want to write about. Some very personal, some social and some just celebrity gossip nonsense. I decided to list them below...and I will post a topic in detail on each one, but I just don't have the time at this moment. Over the next week, I will complete the thought(s) I have on each topic.
1. Why aren't I married yet?
2. Did Adam Lambert go too far?
3. New Moon movie review.
4. Doesn't matter if your fat or skinny as long as your striving to be your best.
5. Holding on to what doesn't matter.
6. Thanksgiving!
7. Happiness is a choice!
Seven days, seven topics...I should get started. See ya later! And enjoy!
1. Why aren't I married yet?
2. Did Adam Lambert go too far?
3. New Moon movie review.
4. Doesn't matter if your fat or skinny as long as your striving to be your best.
5. Holding on to what doesn't matter.
6. Thanksgiving!
7. Happiness is a choice!
Seven days, seven topics...I should get started. See ya later! And enjoy!
Monday, November 09, 2009
Luke 22:31-32 (with creative license)
I have read this verse twice in the last two weeks...coincidence, I think not. Yesterday when I read it I thought of it differently. Thinking about my last year of turmoil, I decided to reread the verse, but with my name inserted...it made perfect sense and gave me a new understanding into why God allowed me to live through it all. So here's the verse below...with my name inserted!
"Melanie, Melanie, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Melanie, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
If you don't recognize this verse it's Jesus telling Simon he is going to deny him 3 times. I haven't denied Jesus to anyone, but myself. I've denied him an outstanding place in my life and heart, because when I am going through hard times I lean on my own understanding...which usually results in even more hard times!
I can understand Satan asking to sift me and I can understand God allowing it, not because he wanted me to hurt, but because that's the only way I learn! The last part of that verse harkens back to something my Pastor Kevin told me about 8 years ago...."God will use your life to effect people, he's allowed certain things to happen in your life for His glory." I had forgot about that, but I get it. I'm always learning from others mistakes why wouldn't someone choose to learn from mine?
This was just something I wanted to share...something that provoked my thoughts, maybe it'll provoke yours too!
"Melanie, Melanie, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Melanie, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
If you don't recognize this verse it's Jesus telling Simon he is going to deny him 3 times. I haven't denied Jesus to anyone, but myself. I've denied him an outstanding place in my life and heart, because when I am going through hard times I lean on my own understanding...which usually results in even more hard times!
I can understand Satan asking to sift me and I can understand God allowing it, not because he wanted me to hurt, but because that's the only way I learn! The last part of that verse harkens back to something my Pastor Kevin told me about 8 years ago...."God will use your life to effect people, he's allowed certain things to happen in your life for His glory." I had forgot about that, but I get it. I'm always learning from others mistakes why wouldn't someone choose to learn from mine?
This was just something I wanted to share...something that provoked my thoughts, maybe it'll provoke yours too!
Technology, It's an Addiction
There was a time in my life when I only had 7 channels to watch, 1 phone I could use, a cassette player and if I wanted to read the news I had to buy a paper. That was life circa 1997! Now, 12 years later I have an Ipod, cellphone (with Internet), satellite TV, email, 2 blogs, a digital camera and I read the gossip (not even real news) at any time I want and when I get home I run to the computer to check my facebook!
The world was supposed to get easier with the addition and enhancement of technology. It was supposed to make the world smaller and make us smarter! I guess, it has lived up to it's claims...now instead of having to get dressed and leave my house I can fully communicate with friends, shop for anything, and listen to the newest songs by my favorite artists all from the comfort of my living room in my pajamas! But with all the greatness it offers technology also greatly hinders us.
How many times have you been in a mall and/or market and witnessed a kid (teens included) walking with their parents but totally listening to an Ipod or on a cellphone (whether talking or texting)? It seems like this behavior has become the norm. I am as guilty as the rest. I don't deny my addiction to technology or my inability to keep myself from using it as a drug. Everyday I use my phone, my Ipod, a computer (several actually) and if I don't par take in at least one of these activities I feel like my day has been wasted with the pursuit of nothingness! It's ashame and very sad, especially because I can actually be in the midst of a fantastic life altering experience, and still I feel the guilt of a wasted day. Guilt because I didn't fulfill a superficial need that I recently developed because the world said I needed it! Wow, how sad!
Have you ever complained about having nothing to watch on your 500 channels of TV? Or are upset because there's no new gossip on a blog site and none of your friends have posted anything new on a social site? How about this...have you ever been jealous of a friend's phone? Yes, their phone! Because your phone isn't as new or pretty or sophisticated as theirs...my best friend has an Iphone and I was completely and totally envious of it. I have gotten over it since she got it, but there was a time when I just wanted it! Addiction rearing it's ugly head.
And that's it isn't it? Technology and jealousy go hand in hand, their blog is better, I want a site like hers, she's his facebook friend but not mine! Jealous, jealous jealous! He has an Ipod with video, oohhh I want that Flat Screen High Def 64 Inch wall mounted Television! Then the pursuit of technology turns from I want to I need! I need that new state of the art washer/dryer. I need a mac! I need the plasma, blu-ray with the attached coffeemaker and phone. No, You Don't!
We don't need any of these things. We want them definitely...have to have them certainly, but our lives DO NOT continue or end if we don't get the new X-Box. And I know this because at 30 years old I have never owned or played an X-Box and I'm perfectly content, but maybe that's the problem? If you don't want it, you don't need it! I But if you crave it (or in reference to addiction feen for it) you need it.
I don't need my small gadgets but I enjoy them and yes I crave them, but my life will continue without them. Will it cause me grief? In the beginning, but as I ween myself off the technology teet, I will return to the small wonder of a 17 year old who was content with 7 channels, 1 phone, books and newspapers and cassettes (which I actually do miss)
But I'm not ready for that just yet!
The world was supposed to get easier with the addition and enhancement of technology. It was supposed to make the world smaller and make us smarter! I guess, it has lived up to it's claims...now instead of having to get dressed and leave my house I can fully communicate with friends, shop for anything, and listen to the newest songs by my favorite artists all from the comfort of my living room in my pajamas! But with all the greatness it offers technology also greatly hinders us.
How many times have you been in a mall and/or market and witnessed a kid (teens included) walking with their parents but totally listening to an Ipod or on a cellphone (whether talking or texting)? It seems like this behavior has become the norm. I am as guilty as the rest. I don't deny my addiction to technology or my inability to keep myself from using it as a drug. Everyday I use my phone, my Ipod, a computer (several actually) and if I don't par take in at least one of these activities I feel like my day has been wasted with the pursuit of nothingness! It's ashame and very sad, especially because I can actually be in the midst of a fantastic life altering experience, and still I feel the guilt of a wasted day. Guilt because I didn't fulfill a superficial need that I recently developed because the world said I needed it! Wow, how sad!
Have you ever complained about having nothing to watch on your 500 channels of TV? Or are upset because there's no new gossip on a blog site and none of your friends have posted anything new on a social site? How about this...have you ever been jealous of a friend's phone? Yes, their phone! Because your phone isn't as new or pretty or sophisticated as theirs...my best friend has an Iphone and I was completely and totally envious of it. I have gotten over it since she got it, but there was a time when I just wanted it! Addiction rearing it's ugly head.
And that's it isn't it? Technology and jealousy go hand in hand, their blog is better, I want a site like hers, she's his facebook friend but not mine! Jealous, jealous jealous! He has an Ipod with video, oohhh I want that Flat Screen High Def 64 Inch wall mounted Television! Then the pursuit of technology turns from I want to I need! I need that new state of the art washer/dryer. I need a mac! I need the plasma, blu-ray with the attached coffeemaker and phone. No, You Don't!
We don't need any of these things. We want them definitely...have to have them certainly, but our lives DO NOT continue or end if we don't get the new X-Box. And I know this because at 30 years old I have never owned or played an X-Box and I'm perfectly content, but maybe that's the problem? If you don't want it, you don't need it! I But if you crave it (or in reference to addiction feen for it) you need it.
I don't need my small gadgets but I enjoy them and yes I crave them, but my life will continue without them. Will it cause me grief? In the beginning, but as I ween myself off the technology teet, I will return to the small wonder of a 17 year old who was content with 7 channels, 1 phone, books and newspapers and cassettes (which I actually do miss)
But I'm not ready for that just yet!
Friday, November 06, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
New Website Alert...
I've lamented for a long time about how lots of people (me included) think all Christians are uptight with no sense of humor...luckily I happen to be surrounded by some very funny, laid back (and some are VERY VERY LIBERAL) Christians!
Well I found a new website by a Christian who actually speaks at conventions but is REALLY funny! Every time I read it I bust up Laughing Out Loud (or lol in text)! I enjoy the site so much that I have to give it a short out! It's
www.stuffchristianslike.net
What's even more funny is if you happen to type in .com instead of .net you get the website of a Chevy dealership! Didn't know Christians liked Chevy's that much! Anyway, check it out it's funny, it'll make you laugh! And if you've grown up in church, worked behind the scenes, are a P.K. or just show up on Sundays and hide in the back you'll find something on here that you'll relate to!
Also, I'd like to give a shout out to www.tebowseyeblack.com for posting something from stuff Christians like...that's how I found it!
Until Next Time...
Well I found a new website by a Christian who actually speaks at conventions but is REALLY funny! Every time I read it I bust up Laughing Out Loud (or lol in text)! I enjoy the site so much that I have to give it a short out! It's
www.stuffchristianslike.net
What's even more funny is if you happen to type in .com instead of .net you get the website of a Chevy dealership! Didn't know Christians liked Chevy's that much! Anyway, check it out it's funny, it'll make you laugh! And if you've grown up in church, worked behind the scenes, are a P.K. or just show up on Sundays and hide in the back you'll find something on here that you'll relate to!
Also, I'd like to give a shout out to www.tebowseyeblack.com for posting something from stuff Christians like...that's how I found it!
Until Next Time...
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