Seeing spaces in my head

I'm peaceful with the unknown I see before me.

Unkind as it may be I follow endless corridors to find the truth in my being.

Misunderstanding pushing me forward into more confusion, more searching...

Surrender is the only option, but my feeble mind will not allow it,

I am not ready to give it all.

I'm weak, hateful, angry unable to comprehend the spaces I see in front of me.

Unwilling to allow myself the freedom to explore them.

Watching I see only what I will allow, never reaching deeper into the darkness to find truth,

I'm scared of the darkness fearful of the unknown unwilling to shake it off and continue to search.

Yesterday

I was a proud American yesterday...not a proud African American but a proud American! I was grateful that we've come as far as we have. That people have gotten past the history of this country to greet a black family as the first family and be happy for them. We, as a nation, didn't just elect a black president, we elected a black family to represent us. To go out to the world and say look at us, we are adults now and we can look past the small things, like color, and see the bigger picture like humanity! I am honored, hopeful and curious to see what the future will bring and if this first time deed will also translate in other countries around the world.

I am not so naive to think that everyone in this country voted for him or sees past his skin (or name), I'm not blind to the racism and prejudice that still haunts us. I am not so abundantly happy that I don't fear for the safety and care of this, our first family. I am extremely sensitive to this new situations flaws, distractions and dangers...but I am more hopeful.

I hope that these next four years will lead to more understanding and help ease racial tensions in this country. I hope that people will look on this family as an example of a good family, not just a good black family. For generations, white people have always had very visible families to look up too, now (besides the Cosby Show) black people do to.

Congratulations Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, Malia and Sasha....and congratulations to you America.

What I've learned...

Recently, I've learned

You don't have to spend lots of money to keep yourself warm when California decides to act like Alaska...

Sometimes things work out even though you didn't think they would...

People care about you and miss you when you're not around...

If a relationship isn't working bo matter how comfortable you just have to walk away...

Disappointment comes in many forms but so does unexpectant love...

You should tell the truth, even if it'll cause damange.

Songs for Sudan

Hola folks, as some of you may know I'm part of a music group with some friends of mine (and my dad). We haven't played together in sometime but we are getting together to help raise money for a good cause.

My church, Marina Christian Fellowship, has started and continues to develop and sponsor a school and orphanage in Sudan. I believe we currently have about 60 students attending school and we have about that many picked out to enter housing as soon as it's completed. Over the last few months the church and different artists have been putting on benefit concerts to help raise money and awareness for our cause. So this Saturday, January 10, 2009, it's our turn.
The name of the band is What is Love? we are one of two acts performing that night, the other artist is Rachel Rodriguez. Tickets for the event are $15 and unfortunately we are not selling tickets at the door you have to purchase them prior to the event. Which actually helps, if you think about it, the money goes to the cause whether you show up or not! But I hope you come.
You can go to the church website which is www.marinachristian.org and look for the Songs for Sudan section. There you will find all the information regarding our concert and future concerts planned for this year. Also, if you'd like to give a flat donation and not attend a concert, that is also appreciated.
Thanks so much for your help in this project. I hope to see you there!!!!

Stop the Insanity!!!

I have decided that I'm not going to participate in the time honored tradition of making New Year's Resolutions and I'll tell you why. They don't work! We make these "promises" to people, but not really ourselves, at least that's the case with me! I've tried to do all sorts of things, from losing weight to saving money etc. but when it comes down to it, I'm truly not motivated to do anything.
So this year I'm not going to sit back and tell people what I'm going to change, because I'll be lying. So for those of you who would ask me about my potential resolutions, here's my answer...

I don't have any. I'm not going to lie just for conversation. I don't feel the need to add pressure to my life or complicate myself. I'm done with that falseness. I'm happy and hopefully that this happiness will continue throughout this year. Hallelujah!

Movie Review (Christmas Edition)

Everyone has a favorite Christmas movie, some are long standing family traditions, other's not so much. Over the years Christmas movies have gone from sappy to funny to lovey and goofy. Cartoons, dramas or romance everyone has an opinion on Christmas movies.
So, I decided for this years final movie review I would review my favorite Christmas movies.

I'll tell you right off that I haven't seen most of the Christmas classics, so It's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, and the original A Christmas Carol are not on this list, neither is the ballet version of the Nutcracker. I've never had the patience to watch these movies so I've never forced myself to sit through them. I know someone going to try to convince me to watch at least one, but I have no plans to, so don't try. My movies are more modern!

First, Love Actually, I have to say this is the first Christmas movie I've ever insisted on watching only around Christmas for the sake of it being a Christmas movie. I love this film, it's sweet, funny and heartbreaking but it never gets old. The film follows several different story lines that all intersect at some point, even when you try to figure out how you get from the prime minister to porn stand ins, it happens. It all works and leaves you with a smile and quite possibly the funniest annoying song in your head.

Second, The Family Stone, there are only two Sarah Jessica Parker movies I like, this is one (the other is Girls Just Wanna Have Fun). It's about a family and what happens when a brother brings his new uptight girlfriend into his very laid back family's lives. Comedy ensues and soon you're laughing and by the end crying. Great movie (I think I reviewed it previously).

Lastly, Four Christmases, I've got two words for ya...Vince Vaughn, you know I love him. He teams up with Reese Witherspoon and an all-star cast and you can't go wrong. It's full of awkwardness, funny dialogue and Vince getting beat up. It's fun all around...a good movie to watch when your snuggled up in bed or wrapping gifts.

At the heart of all these movies are good stories with a message. I enjoy them all and hope that they will bring you all a little joy too.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

It's a beautiful day in the Neighborhood

Over the last few weeks we've had some really cold days here in Southern California, so much so that I thought I'd unintentionally moved up North. But now that the rain has passed and the clouds have gone away we see why people moved to Los Angeles in the first place.
Today was an absolutely beautiful day! Not a cloud in the sky, no fog with a slight hint of smog (which is good for LA). The mountains were clear everywhere you looked and there's still a sparkle of snow on some. Depending on where you looked it felt like you were staring at a postcard. It's actually felt like that for a while even when it was raining, once the snow fell, it seems like anytime you looked off in the distance you were staring at a mat painting, breathtaking!
Days like today are why I love where I live! There aren't too many places in this world where you can see the clear blue ocean one direction and the snow-capped mountains in the other. Because I work in a high rise I can. On one side of the building there's the ocean on the other the mountains. It's the beautiful of Los Angeles...
Also, it's not hot, but not cold...just a bit chilly (during the day at night still freezing), so you can wear those pretty winter scarves but you don't have to be completely covered up. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, I'm glad I'm here to see it!

Emotional Rollercoaster

I just updated my facebook to read Melly Mel is on an emotional rollercoaster and I am not sure how to get off.

There are a lot of things going through my mind tonight and I'm not sure how to handle it all. I know that I'm angry and hurting, but I'm not sure why or how to resolve it. I'm struggling against my better judgment in some ways, trying not to make mistakes but trying to keep the people around me happy. In the shuffle I'm losing myself. Maybe I need to get away and be alone...because even if I'm with other people, I tend to feel lonely.
I'm emotionally raw, broken, alone, scared!

i need to take more photos of myself

I hate taking photos, I have for a very long time. But I've recently found that I don't really have any of myself and armed with my camera decided to change that, but I was looking through my pictures and realized that when I take all the pictures, I'm not in any of them...I need to change that. So I have a new mission, I'm going to start taking pictures of stuff around me, but also of me with that stuff and with people. We'll see how that goes!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Hello,

I'm don't expect to get on the computer tomorrow so while I have the time I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving...and to let you know some of the things I'm grateful for

This year I'm most grateful for the light on my path....God doesn't give us a clear path with overwhelming light. He likes to give us a rocky path with as little light as possible, so that we can't rely on him to help us make the decisions we need to make. He helped me this year, before I could even ask for it, He lit my path not before I took a step, but as my foot was coming down...and sometimes, He just picked me up and did all the walking. I'm still struggling with somethings, but I know that God is with me on this journey and I'm truly Thankful for that.


What are you thankful for?

Dedication to you!!!!

This is one of my favorite songs from the WICKED soundtrack...it's the story of the witches of OZ. Before and somewhat after the arrival of Dorothy. This is a song that Glinda and Elphaba (the wicked witch of the west) sing together. And I wanted to dedicate it to those of you in my life who've made an impact on me...here it is.





GLINDA

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:


Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good


ELPHABA

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:


GLINDA

Because I knew you:


BOTH

I have been changed for good


ELPHABA

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for


GLINDA

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share


BOTH

And none of it seems to matter anymore


GLINDA (ELPHABA)

Like a comet pulled (Like a ship blown)
From orbit as it (Off it's mooring)
Passes a sun, like (By a wind off the)
A stream that meets (Sea, like a seed)
A boulder, half-way (Dropped by a)
Through the wood (Bird in the wood)


BOTH

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?


GLINDA

And because I knew you:


ELPHABA

Because I knew you:


BOTH

Because I knew you:
I have been changed


For Good.

Have you ever thought...

about words and phrases we use and where they came from?



We go along through life saying things to each other, some are considered respectful, others not so much...but have we ever actually thought about them.



Most "bad" or Cuss words are words turned around to be used as an insult, some are just strange...anyway, below I'm going to list some words that I've questioned, see if you've ever questioned them too. If I don't list a word you think I should let me know. As I find new words to question I will update this post....but for now here they are (yes cuss words will be listed..you have been warned)





You're Welcome (something you say after being told Thank You)



Your Highness...I like this one, but it took me forever to realize exactly what people were saying



Ass...it's a donkey how'd it become my butt?



shut up....i can understand the shut part...but what about the up?



make out...hummm, okay?

Why do I have to keep having this Conversation

With a new job comes new people, new attitudes, new (old) conversations and new adjustments.
This job is no different. When I start a new job, I sometimes sit back and try to figure people out (like at Disney) but other times I put myself out there not knowing what to expect. Over time I start to get comfortable and my personality sets in, I've stated on this blog before that I have no tolerance for stupidity and I tend to be a quiet person. I don't have to be the center of attention and frankly I can be in a room with someone and not feel obliged to talk to them. Not because I don't like them, but because if I'm in my own head space, that's where I want to be. I'm a multi-tasker, I can do one thing and be thinking about 25 other things at the same time. My mind is always running and when it's running I'm usually not looking to have a conversation with someone else.
I honed this talent the last time I worked in Downtown LA, for most of my time with that company I sat by myself and there were days when I was in the office completely alone. I didn't talk to anyone then and I found that over time I couldn't wait for the noise to die down so that I could be alone. So that I could think, work, just be. I escape in my head and it leads me down different paths. Sometimes I make plans, sometimes I pray, sometimes I reminisce about good times that I've had with good friends.
I'm saying all this because my boss said that she's getting complaints from co-workers that I have a bad attitude. She knows that I like to be quiet sometimes (some of the other people I work with are the exact opposite). They think that because I'm not talking to them that I'm giving attitude. They think because when they ask me a question and I give them the truth that I'm being a bitch. I don't like to sugar coat and I don't have to talk to them.
I was really angered because the person I know complained is my boss' best friend. I've had conversations with him and frankly I'd rather not speak to him about much. He's condescending and "above" it all. When you ask him a question he gives attitude...but still can't help you. I don't complain because I don't feel that there's anything to complain about. I just keep to myself and I don't talk to him. But apparently he feels the need to complain about me. The truth is this, sometimes people need to look at themselves too. I look at myself all the time, I know that I give attitude, I know when I give attitude, but I also know that sometimes, no matter what you say to people or how you say it, they are going to get offend just because you are the one saying it to them.
I'm tired of having to explain myself to people, I don't ask them to explain themselves to me, I don't ask them to cater to me, why are they asking me to do that to them. I talk people at face value and try not to prejudge them based on what other people say. I like to use my own experiences and give people the benefit of the doubt. I try not to step on any toes or rule out any suggestions, but that doesn't go both ways and I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm a bitch when all I want and need is to be in my own space.

Dinner With Friends

So, tonight I'm at the Blackstead house having dinner. Amber, Paul, Mike (Paul's best friend), Laura (Amber's mom), David (Paul's dad) and I all sat down to Bar B Que Tri Tip, Parmesan potatoes, baked beans and Lemon Squares for dessert. The food was really good, Paul grilled the meat and Laura made everything else. We ate around the table and had good conversation.

I love coming over to their house for dinner. It's always a good time with good food and you never know when you are actually going to go home, if you're going to watch a movie or play Guitar Hero. No matter if it's BBQ, roast or orange chicken and potato salad, we always eat well and have a blast.
My favorite meal that Amber cooks is her version of Orange Chicken and fresh made Potato Salad. I don't know how she makes it but I know it's good and after a while I start to crave it. And then I have to give her a call and ask if (or more like when) she'll make it for me again. When her mom's in town, there's always an unspoken guarantee that there will be some kind of fresh homemade sweets in the house. YUMMY!
If you've gone to the link to see my Idaho trip pics then you've seen who all of these people are. When we get together we have fun and laugh alot. Mike and I don't see each other very often so when we get together we act like complete morons and Amber always gives us the O.M.G. look when she thinks we have gotten out of hand. I think that Mike is used to getting that look from all his antics with Paul. But I only get these looks when Mike's around....so yeah, it's all his fault. David is well, he's David...he is tough to crack but when you get used to him, if you can, he's a crack up. His humor is dry and most times you think he's mad at you, but he's not that's just who he is. Laura is nice and she likes everyone (almost), she always gives people the benefit of the doubt and she puts up with all of us crazies and she makes good food.
Anyway, days or nights at the Blackstead are good times. The boys love cars and the girls love talking while we watch the boys work on cars. And I love the dogs...well I love one and I like the other one. She's not really a dog, she's just weird. But, I digress...nevermind...I'll end this post on that thought. Until Next Time...

WICKED!!!!

This past weekend, my friend Amber, my brother and I went to see WICKED at the Pantages theater in Hollywood. So, I thought I would give you a review of the show and tell you about my experience.
First of all, the theater is beautiful, if you like old Hollywood art and history then you have to visit this place. I can only assume that it was renovated prior to this revival of Broadway shows having long engagements in Hollywood theaters. It takes you back to when men wore suits and women knew that dressing up didn't involve jeans and a cute shirt. It was a fabulous place to see a fabulous show.
WICKED is the untold story of the witches from the Wizard of Oz, we see them all Glinda, the Wicked Witch of the West and the Wicked Witch of the East and how their lives were all tangled together and ultimately "wrapped up" when Dorothy and Toto came to town. It takes place in Oz, of course, where there are talking animals, a road made out of yellow brick, a university called SHIZ and of course a Wonderful Wizard.
I do have to say that the musical is based on a book written by Gregory Maguire in 1996. I tried very hard to read this book in it's entirety but after three attempts (the last two i didn't even get as far as the first) I gave up. But I didn't have to read the books to understand what was going on in the musical. In fact, from what I read in the books, the show explained it better anyway.
The outlying set was really mechanical, but if you know anything from the book you understand that it is set is the clock of the time dragon (which in the books, tells the truth of all things, but isn't featured in the musical). There are bright shiney lights all around the set, but they aren't always on, though they'll blind you when they do come on. The costumes, are great they're kinda funky, but you have to expect that, you're in OZ, And the animals talk...they are flying monkeys and yes the Wicked Witch of the West is green.
The truth of the story is simply this... "are we born wicked or is wickedness thurst upon us?". We see the Wicked Witch, whose name is Elphaba, and how she grows thru college and how she comes to be what we see in the Classic tale "The Wizard of Oz". But there's always another side to everyside, and ultimately you see that that tale is just a retelling from someone on the outside trying to look in. You'll laugh, smile and if you're anything like me you'll cry a bit. you'll be moved by the friendships. disgusted by the lies and inspired by the music. The singing is fantastic...and I saw the show with Elphaba's standby actress (the lead wasn't in) she rocked the house...then brought it down.
If you've never seen a musical then I suggest that you go see this one, it's 2 hours long, but it doesn't feel that way and the close of the first act will truly take your breathe away. The only thing is that production on this show stops in January, so if you have the time go....

I know I didn't say much, but I don't want to give the story away and I fear that if I get into the story I'll let something slip. Okay, well here's something...it starts in OZ after Dorothy and the Wizard leave and the story is told in flashback.

Thought for the day

Sometimes we find things around us to distraction us from what we want, need or have to do. It's easy if you have a demanding career, a family, an active social life or even just lots of shows saved on TiVO! But think about what you really want to accomplish, either for yourself or for others...whether it's a goal previously set or just a whim. Sometimes it's good to just sit and put things into perspective and see how your life's going. See where you've come from and how that has changed or empowered you in the now.

I've been thinking back about the last year of my life and wondering how I came to be where I am. I know that it's all God cause if you had asked me a year ago what I would have been doing now, I probably wouldn't have had an answer for you. A year ago, I was working with kids, loving the job, the students, the teachers, the parents...even most of my co-workers. But the boss who ran the show, were jerks, who didn't and don't understand that sometimes you have to help your employees run a successful program instead of doing your best to make their lives miserible. When a pro gram has recooped 95 percent of their budget in the first 3 months of the year then you have to look and say why, how and who is making this happen. It was a team effort with the support of great parents, but ultimately because of one persons bias it is doomed to fail.

I got out of that job and moved on the another, one that started out as promising and was until I had to face the fact that I wasn't happy. The situation, in my eyes, was getting bleak and there was really nothing I could do about it. I took the job as an out of my previous job and for a while it work and I enjoyed but when I really sat down to look at yself I realized I wasn't happy. Once I finally admitted that to myself, God dropped my current job in my lap. I'm happy here, so far so good. I have no complaints. I'm learning new things and ways to look at the world around me.

The truth is that God put me in these three jobs and situations because I had something to learn and I have. I've seen, heard and experienced different things in each place, so my learning has been vastly different, but learn I have...mostly about myself, and how I should treat others....how to understand further how other people behave and why they do so. Lastly, especially in my last job, I learn patience...on many different levels. I'm glad for the experiences and the people I've met along the way... and now that I'm in a new place I can't wait to see what God has instore for me.

I' have a problem...

I'm addicted to the television show "The West Wing", now most of you probably know that the show went off the air about 2 years ago...but what you may not know is that it's in syndication and is run like four times a day on Bravo. So last week the show started over from the beginning and I set my DVR to record it. I always liked the show when it was originally airing, but I have ADD and either life got vivid or I found something else to watch, I turned my back on it. But I'm watching again and I CAN'T stop.

I watch it in the morning and...I'm hopeless. It's ridiculous, I'm nuts. it's so bad that I don't want to watch the other show that are recorded on the DVR and even when I'm bored instead of watching the other shows I re-watch West Wing Episodes....I've even put off watching Star Trek: TNG, which is like my second favorite show of all time. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have been forcing myself to watch other shows so that I can leave WW to my Saturday mornings in bed, but it's not working too well, jeez, what am I going to do!

What I believe

Let me tell you something about myself.



I'm a democrat
I believe in a woman's right to choose
I believe that a gay couple should have rights like any other, but not so sure that marriage is the answer
I believe the war in Iraq is wrong
I believe that everyday my fellow Americans are being killed for a war motivated by revenge and the control of oil.
I believe that the President elected by our country 8 years ago was never allowed to take the oath of office.
I believe that I am a victim, as a citizen, of the power of rich families with historic legacies and how they operate like I don't exist.
I believe that no child left behind doesn't work.
I believe that we are in a place in this country where we have lost not only the respect of the world around us, but the respect we used to have for ourselves.
I believe that we need a change
I believe that I am a 'real' citizen of this country and that Sarah Palin made us look stupider in the last 2 1/2 months then W. did this whole year
I believe that with what happened yesterday there is still hope to hold on to
I believe that ignorance is still rampant in this country and will be because there are some people who aren't willing to listen with respect or step outside their box
I believe that I have seen history
I believe that God is in control....and so should you.

The Election

I know that I haven't spoken about the election very much, in fact I only mentioned it once. But now that it's all said I done I'm going to give my opinion about what has transpired over this past year.
I have been raised a Democrat, my parents have always been the type to voice their opinions about the state of the country and we've always had discussions, as a family, about how we feel things are headed. We try to see who can make the best impact for our nation and which candidate would do the best job. This election was no different, but it was, at least for me. For African American people in this country this election was important but I also think it was tricky. Before Mr Obama was even a real candidate I heard a woman on TV say he wasn't black enough, because his mother was white and he was raised by his white grandparents and that black he's father was from African, he could not be truly classified as an African American. Of course there are lots of people who where going to vote for him because he's brown. Hey, that's there choice, but I wanted to know the man and how he thought.
I never really cared for Hilary Clinton, and although I love her husband, there was always something about her that put me off, but I did and still do think that Bill would be an AWESOME first man! I never felt connected to her. On the flip side, I never felt connected to any of the Republican candidates.
John McCain, although he did suffer as a P.O.W. for this country, wasn't in touch with me. I can't trust a man to take my needs and concerns seriously if he's never had to deal with them. Yes, I'm talking about living paycheck to paycheck as appose to not really having to check your bank account and worrying about losing your house and being put on the street, cause you don't have 11 (more or less) other ones to live in. And as a 29 year old woman, I don't think that this man from my grandmother's generation can really understand what I see and go through.
I knew that to be true when he picked Gov. Palin to be his running mate. As a woman, I was shocked and disappointed that this woman was given the national stage to parade around on like the perfect wife and mother. I was irritated that she was thought to be more of a mother to her pregnant teenager daughter then other women in the same position. And frankly, I was offended when during her debate she wanted to talk to the "real" American people and ended up sounding like an uneducated idiot. I'm a real American, but I don't speak that way and maybe she means that real Americans aren't really intelligent but rednecks...and if that's true then she just blew off every one else in this country.
There are reasons why people vote the way they do, but I voted my heart. I heard this man speak, he was consistent, warm and thoughtful. He didn't try to hide behind things that happened 40 years ago and he didn't shy away from the hard stuff. I honestly feel that he conducted himself in outstanding fashion, in such away that every American, not only blacks, should be proud of.

Do I believe that he can change this country around, yes, but he's going to have a hell of a time wading through the muck and myer left by W. The bad thing is that I don't think the country will give him enough time to clean up the mess, remember it took 8 years to get this deep, it's gonna take at least 8 more to clean it up.
At this point I am hopeful for the future, I am hopeful for our country and I'm hopeful for the world. And I pray not only for the safety of President Elect Obama and his family, but also that our current president won't do anything else to sabotage the White House and our nation before we square off and kick him out!

Twilight

Okay , I mentioned before that I read this book series this past summer, well I loved it and the only reason I found the books was because of the movie. Now, at first I thought the trailer looked stupid but after reading the books and whose going to be on the soundtrack and seeing like 5 different trailers, I'm completely excited about it. In fact I'm so excited that every time I see a new trailer or commercial I get even more excited.

I only know two people who have actually read the book (twilight) and a ton of others who want to read it...so I have a question. Who wants to go see the movie.

With less than a month away (22 days to be exact) til opening weekend, we are running out of time to make good plans to see this movie. Honestly I would love to see it on opening weekend but I'm not trying to beat up anyone. I enjoy my movie experiences way too much for me to see it with a 100 screaming teenage girls and their screaming middle-aged moms (check out the twilight moms website, they're out there). So I might wait and go the week after opening, but I'm excited and if anyone wants to go see it with me. Let me know I'll be there!