Wednesday, April 02, 2014

The Big Things...



 When I was 12 I started praying for the life I thought I'd have by now. The life I knew, even at 12, that I desperately wanted. I started to pray for my husband, for my children...my future family that I knew God would give me. At 12 there was no way you could tell me that I wouldn't have that family while I was looking down the barrel of my 35th birthday. You couldn't even tell me that at 19 or 25 and this time last year you couldn't tell me that I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams by now. That guy I've been praying for most of my life. But here am I 34, single and alone. No husband, no children, no life I've prayed for anywhere in sight. What I have is a roomate who drives me crazy, a job that doesn't want me, a life that isn't living and a God that doesn't hear me. What I have right now, is a pile of crap! That's it.
  I often talk about that Big Things, the promises that God made to me, the things that He said he'd do that He, I don't know, chose not to do (THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY HIS TIMING IS PERFECT IS GETTING SLAPPED). These are them. The desires of my heart? To be a wife and mother, that's it. But I'm 34 and the older I get the less likely those things are. My Mother and Grandmother both had Hyster.... in their 30's, I have the same piping so I'll probably have to have it all ripped out soon. There goes that motherhood dream. What's the point of even wondering about a husband...I'm sure that guy I started praying for at 12 found someone else to marry...someone not so damaged. Trust me, in the last five years I've asked, begged and pleaded with God about when this all would happen. 2 years ago I thought I got an answer...turns out the joke was on me. The answer I got wasn't really an answer. It was the beginning of an obstacle course and everytime I think I've past through it He decides I"m not good enough and throws something else in my path. So I've given up.Yep...I did the thing you're not supposed to do. I decided to stop playing the game...what will it hurt? It's easier to stop playing then it is to keep hoping and walking around with a broken heart.
  Some may mistakenly think that because I have people around me who are married and having babies that that's why I feel this way. I don't compare this journey of mine to others, because I don't want their lives. I don't want their happiness. I want my own, I've been through too much not to get a happy end. Huh, a happy ending...what a laugh. I've always been someone elses punching bag, that's all I'm good for so why would I get a happy ending? Why would I get the desires of my heart? Why would I get the Big Things...I wouldn't and I won't.
  At the end of my life when I'm looking back at my pain (cause that's all I'll have) I'll know if it was worth it or not to stop playing this game with God. I'll see whether giving up on ever getting the desires of my heart was the right thing to do or not. Maybe I'll feel different, maybe I'll regret it all. But that's then, right now I can't bare being told that all I need to do is this or that...because I know that at the end of that my happines won't be there....it'll never actually come. My prayers won't be answered, that 12 year old girl who's praying and hoping for a wonderful life will only get pain and she'll have to learn that that's all this life has for her. Even at 35.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

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