405 Freeway of Life

  If you're reading this and not from So Cal I need to explain the 405 freeway to you. Think of a parking lot, one that you have to park in on a semi-regular basis...but no matter what time you pull in, be it 6am or 10pm it's always full...and not only full, but there are lines of cars waiting to get a space (kinda like a mall parking lot during Christmas time). Got that picture in your head? Well that, my friends, is the 405 fwy. On a good day I've been able to spend a short time on the 405 trying to get to my destination, on a bad day I've spent hours (literally) trying to get 5 to 10 miles (and there's no point in getting off to take the streets). I'm talking about the 405 because I realized that it's the perfect description for my journey in life right now.
   In yesterday's message Pastor Jude said that God likes the scenic route. We need to understand that God's not going to get us to the goal quickly, he's going to take his sweet time...stop to smell the roses and look at the trees and he won't let us get off this "fwy" to take a faster "street" path. It, of course, made total sense to me because it's exactly where God and I are. I'm stuck in the center lane of the 405 not moving, begging him to make the traffic go and he's taking pictures of the clouds and buildings...playing with the radio and instagraming, tweeting and facebooking...not giving my whining a lick of attention.
   I've been stuck in this "traffic" for about a year now...with nothing moving the way I thought it would and every question I pose being seemingly ignored. My patience is gone...I want answers, I want to move, I want to see what's next (or if anything is next) for me. I want to know...something, anything. I don't even think it's a quick thing...nope...because of the things I've been asking God about, one in particular I've been seeking an answer for all of my adult life. 14 years is a long time in traffic. Right now, in my spiritual life I'm not going anywhere, I'm just sitting in traffic with only terrible music to listen to.
   Yesterday's sermon reminded me that I still need to muster some patience and wait because He's not going to move me until He sees fit, which I knew. The sad thing is I'm starting to feel like that day will never actually come and that I'll be sitting in a car in the middle of the 405 listening to Justin Bieber for the rest of my life. And by golly that's not a life I want to live...unfortunately, I think that's the one God wants for me...

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Coming Home

  I've always felt like there's a comfort in coming home. Because it's the familiar place of your youth or the place you've made a life for yourself. It's the place you choose to lay your head or spend your days. Home is simply, where the heart is.
  For the longest time I got this feeling of coming home as I came over the grade into Ventura. Now, that I live there, it's not the same. I guess because it's no longer a longing. It's now a real tangible thing and in many ways not what I expected. When I come over that same grade now I don't get that feeling. That feeling of home isn't present anymore. I don't get it at my parents home, my childhood home, either. I think (at my parents) there are a lot of reasons for that, but one would definitely have to be the deep unhappiness that is contained within those walls, not just mine, but as I've discovered everyone who lives in that house. You maybe asking why I'm writing all this, well it's because yesterday...I walked into home.
  I hadn't been to church since before Christmas. Every time I told myself I'd go I just came up with an excuse not to and of course, I was fine with it. Yesterday was my first time back in two months (and only because I went with Kristi and Rayne), it felt good to be back. Worship was great, the message was exactly what I needed to hear (even though it really wasn't what I wanted to hear) and it made my day that much better. I can only hope that my week is good as a result of my mind and soul being in a better place after the service.
  From the first time I walked into that church it's felt like home but because of my stubbornness I left it in search of something else...something more? There's a movie I love called "Center Stage" it's about ballet dancers...when one of them loses her way her teacher tells her (this is my interpretation) that she has to go "back to the bar" to find whatever she's looking for. Okay, not the bar where you drink, but the bar in a ballet studio. For me, that bar is home...it's go back home, to church...to God. To the place where you feel the most like yourself and the least alone and sad. I had forgotten that, but yesterday I was reminded that I don't need to do this by myself and if I start to feel like I'm slipping all I need to do is go home.

   Until Next Time,
    ~m

My World View is lacking

  I've grown up in the church, I've gone to church off and on for most of my life and from 19 to 29 I went every Sunday...every Saturday and at least once during the week. But my view of church and the body of Christ has been very limited. I've never really had a world view of the church. I mean, sure I knew that my denomination was active in other parts of the world. I knew that my church itself had an orphanage in the Sudan and as a teenager I actually took part in a fundraiser for world hunger. But still ,my world view was very narrow, very self absorbed. Not just about me, but for my church. I didn't think of other churches, most of them didn't come into my thoughts, even to pray for them. But I think that's because it wasn't something that was pushed or preached out. We occasionally partnered with another church, but it was very rare and didn't last very long.
  When I was a small kid, I only went to church on the big holidays. Then, once we moved closer, I went to church all the time with my aunt. I saw my mom read our big King James Bible, but I never heard that we should read our bibles outside of church. It wasn't something the church preached. To me, church (or God) was something we did on Sundays and the rest of the week we just did our own thing. I went to a Christian school from 5th to 9th grades, but even then the bible was only something I read for school. It wasn't until my early twenties that I REALLY understood that I should be in the bible daily and that church wasn't just a Sunday thing. That our walk, our relationship with God, was an everyday thing and church was a bonus (and maybe that's not the right wording, but work with me). So now although I've heard and in a way experienced some of the "outside" world of church, most of my Christian walk has been very segregated and held within a bubble. I tend to gravitate toward diverse churches, but still never really thought about the big worldwide church as a whole with my little church being apart of it.
   This started to fester in me a couple weeks ago. The pastor at my new church introduced us to some friends of his who had started a church in Israel, they are working toward that shining city on a hill and want to bring Christ to the middle east region. While the pastor was talking about them he mentioned that his friend had be given a fellowship to some Korean Pastor's ministry. When he mentioned the Pastor many of the folks in the sermon gasped or sighed (in a good way for both) out of recognition. In a way, it seemed like it was an honor to be asked into this man's company. I had, of course, never heard of him before but it struck a cord with me. Why do I have blinders on? Where's my world view...even for myself, not just with my church or what I think others think or know, but for me? What do I know or think about the Body of Christ and it's work outside of my comfort zone? Nothing really...why is that? Shouldn't I be praying for these missionaries who literally risk their lives to spread the Gospel? Shouldn't I care? Why hasn't this ever been something I've been taught? I have no answers for these questions...
   I know every church moves at it's own pace, every pastor is different. But I've gone from one church to another and I feel like the world has shifted. I'm now starting to think about things that have never crossed my mind before. The church I go to is different from ones I've been at before...the focus is different and it's slowly opening my eyes to different things. I've changed and grown and will continue to do so...and so too will my view on the world and the body and my place in it.
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

It was different

  I spent a week at my parents house and during that week was asked to sing a special song at my former church. I said yes (only because it was a song I've been looking forward to singing for a few years), but something weird occurred to me once it was all said and done. Although I miss singing, its not the singing I missed, it was the preparation. Because I've honestly been listening to and mentally preparing this song for a few years I didn't spend as much time with it as a song I didn't know. It was only a few hours, but the process was the same and I enjoyed it. Performing or "presenting" a song is always a bit stressful, but preparing it on my own is nice.
  It went well in both services and many people told me they enjoyed it, but that wasn't what I cared about, it never has been. I am blessed that God uses me to bless others, but the true magic is in the moments when I'm just trying to make it right so that people don't see or hear me, but they see and hear God...if I prepare correctly, I know that He'll take care of the rest.
  All that being said, I'm not ready or in a place to sign up for the worship team. I'm not saying never, I'm just still, very content with sitting in the congregation and participating in worship without having to worry about all that comes with leading it.
 
  Until Next Time,
~m

Breath of fresh air and air conditioning

  I didn't want to get up, get dressed and go to church yesterday morning.
  I got up too early the day before, was in the car too long and was too achy and tired from my day to even think about getting up, but when 11am rolled around I made myself a deal, if I was ready to go by 11:25, I'd go. I pulled out of the driveway at 11:20. I HAD to get coffee, so I stopped by Jack in the Box and headed in (I ended up being a bit late, but oh well). The moment I was settled, having found a seat and put my stuff down, I felt completely different then I had a moment before. A calmness, a stillness that I've only ever felt there (at this church) came of over me and I was instantly happy for my decision (I also realized I didn't really NEED the coffee after all). Of course, it was also freezing inside and considering that I wore the wrong thing for a hot Summer day, I wondered if it was just the cool that gave me the feeling of relaxation. However, the longer the service went the more I knew it wasn't the a/c, it was God's presence.
  Then the day's speaker stood up. Can I just say, I look forward to Pastor Jude's preaching and the weeks I he's gone, I'm both a bit disappointed and a bit worried about who will speak that day. I'm learning that the staff that covers for him, though they have their own styles, are just as in tune with God as he is and that is an amazing thing to see. Back to the speaker, his name is Jay and from what I've gathered (Jac and Randy are a wealth of knowledge) he's the principal at the school (oh, there's a Christian School "College Heights" associated with the church and the worship leader. Anyway, he spoke about Worship, but not just worship...but really how we should worship and how we should come to God. As always with the City Church it was exactly what I needed to hear. All of his points were on point and half of the things he said related directly with things I either felt or thought that morning. I sat there amazed by God and I knew that even though I took my time getting ready, He engineered the morning for me to be there and hear what He had to say. I usually don't think a sermon is "for me", when I Pastor says I know this is for someone, I rarely feel like I'm that someone. But yesterday I knew that that message was for me.
  It all brought me to a realization I never really thought about before. When I moved, I was excited to flee my parents, I was excited about moving to my dream town and accomplishing something on my own, but what I was most excited about was the City Church, because I felt that it was exactly where I was supposed to be and I still feel that way.
  Am I putting too much into a church/place? No, I don't think so. I feel God there, I feel like big things will happen there and I'm excited that this place is apart of my journey...its a breath of fresh air.

  Until Next Time
  ~m

The Loneliest Day

 
Easy...Sundays.

 Or at least it use to be. Since moving my weekends have been filled with doing nothing on Saturdays and a Sunday of church and errands. Once my tasks were done, I was back home and settled in with only TV to keep me occupied I realized I was bored and lonely.

 Not so much that I was lonely in that I have no peoples to hang with (cause I do and let's face it I'm lonely even when surrounded by people). But more of the fact that these radical things are happening and I have no one to share them with. Having a profound experience at church or being completely energized with no one to help me control my inner dialogue or to bounce questions/ideas off of. I found myself stuck in a runt either dreading the following workday or lying across my bed insta-stalking people (stalking people through Instagram). I was starting to think that all these people, so I know, most I don't have these wonderful almost perfect lives. If you look at all the carefully picked, filtered and photo shopped pictures on the screen you start to get that feeling. You start to think that you're the only one who's life is a big pile of suck. On those Sunday afternoons I slowly started to dig myself into a hole wishing for other people's happiness instead of my own and wondering why my life, even in picture never looked as good as everyone else's...then I heard some very wise words.

  "If you compare your fractured life to someone else's fractured life then you will always stay fractured."

  It's not new...it may be different words, it may be put in a new/different way, but it's a sentiment I've heard before. It's just that this time the impact it made and the way it made me feel was a first. Because in that moment I knew that the Sunday afternoons sitting putting a story to someone else's pictures was slowly killing me. Although I cannot tell you whether these lives are fractured, I can tell you that whatever the circumstances they are not right for me. My life is my own, created through a unique set of circumstance, experiences, choices, traumas and tears. So whether I'm looking at someone else's perfect or fractured life I know, it wouldn't work for me because they haven't walked in my shoes (and I haven't walked in theirs).
   So I sit on my Sunday afternoons and try to figure out what I want. What I'm doing and who I am. I'm not dreaming of someone else's life...I'm dreaming of my future. Am I lonely? I don't know, that thought hasn't entered my mind. Am I bored, No not any longer. What I am is solid and content. I'm okay and right now, that's all I am asking for.

   Until Next Time

      ~m

Receiving Sermons

 
  I've been thinking a lot lately about Sunday sermons and how they effect me. Specifically my overall reaction to them. Since arriving in Ventura and at the City Church my response to sermons has been drastically different than it ever has been before. Spiritually, emotionally and physically the sermons have an impact on me and leave me thinking about lesson after I walk out of the church. I've been wondering if this is a product of God really speaking to me through this new place or if its simply me being more open to hearing him.
  I'll be honest, over the last few years (probably since 07-08) I've been mad with God. I've been stubborn, distant and uncooperative. So going to church, worshiping in an authentic way and really listening to the sermons wasn't a priority. It also became more and more difficult to be engaged at Marina. I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of the sermons or the worship. Listen, I'm not blaming anyone or trying to say that Marina isn't a good church with good people. I know for a fact that Marina is a wonderful church and that the worship and sermons touch and connect with lots of people, but for me it lacked something. Which brings me back to wondering if it was just me? My baggage, my attitude, my lack of wanting anything because I was checked out of everything.
  Remember unhappiness, true deep unhappiness , can keep you stagnant, lonely and unwanting. Do I think I had depression? I'm not sure, but I know I was truly unhappy and I blamed that on God. Whether that was the right thing or not I don't know, but it is the truth of the matter. Because of that blame I was very much closed off. I told myself that when I was ready and when God was ready things would change, but I wasn't really ready to take that first step. But God was and He did and I followed his lead. Things changed and my outlook on life changed. I started to look at things differently and slowly my unhappiness drained away...but I still wasn't hearing from God through Marina.
   Once I got here, to Ventura to the City Church, all that changed. My heart changed...I was engaged and overjoyed and every part of the service connected with my heart. Every part from start to finish was made for me. And the rare Sundays (2 in fact) I don't go it effected my entire week in a negative way. Now, my mindset, my relationship with God and my heart are different and I wonder if the change is me or the church I'm attending?
   It would be easy to say it was the church to compare and say I like this better than that. That's the easy way...but it's also the truth.  I think that now, I'm willing to listen intently and learn. Because I'm truly seeking God's heart and His plan for me I'm really trying to learn it in what I'm hearing from the front of the sanctuary. So I guess it is me? I guess it's my heart...because it's where it needs to be and I'm not wishing I was somewhere else. I'm finally at my destination and I'm trying to continue my walk with God in
a new way. I guess this is just a part of that. My heart is open and I'm not burdened by my surroundings anymore.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Don't Rush

   I've spent many many years going to church. Not just going, but actually being involved. When I was 8 years old my aunt decided I was going to start going to church with her and I was going to be on the usher board. Now, at that time, in that church, the usher board was actually unofficial the youth group...a youth group with big responsibilities. After years of doing this every Sunday, spending long days and sometimes full weekends (seriously, 8am Saturday til 10pm Sunday), I got tired of it and quit. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth (well, not necessarily that experience of the usher but the experience of that church and it's people) and I didn't really get back into church again until High School.
   In High School I attended a youth group led by an wonderful woman. I only went on the weekday youth night, I never went to the Sunday church service. I so thoroughly enjoyed that experience, but it ended in a way, that again, left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was finding that Church was full of disappointments (not God, the people) and it never felt like a place for me to experience anything other than work and disappointment.
    Finally, at 18 I was recruited to sing at a church. I did it to help, I did it for the need and want to sing, so I became apart of a worship team. I didn't understand really what that meant. Spiritually I wasn't ready to lead in anyway. I wasn't mature enough in anyway, but I wanted to sing and I didn't want to let anyone down. Ultimately, the love of the attention I received was much easier to accept than taking the time to step back and I find my spiritual self. But I enjoyed my Pastor and most of my time there...but over the years, I never felt like I was growing spiritually. I ended up being there singing and doing things behind the scenes for 12 years. I found that after a time I wasn't happy. So when my job situation changed, meaning I'd have to work Sundays, I ran and didn't look back. Once that job was over I went back sporadically...but it wasn't a serious commitment anymore. I didn't feel like the that particular church could provide me with the things I was so desperately looking for. So, I wasn't going to commit to anything, no matter how many people wanted me to. I had grown enough to know that I wasn't in a place to lead and I wasn't doing anything to get to that place.
   Skip to now...I'm in my new place with a church that I'm very excited about and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm not going to commit to anything, I decided that...along time ago.
   I'm working on my walk with God and we decided together that I wouldn't commit to anything until I felt His call...not some else's. I wouldn't look into being apart of worship, or volunteering until I was ready for it. I NEED to be served for a while. I NEED to just sit in the congregation and not worry about when I need to get up and sing again, how my throat feels and anything else that has, in the past, taken me away from listening to God speak.
   So, I'm not rushing...I'm taking my time and I'm loving it! God will let me know when its time...but right now its not!

Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!
  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.
 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

I'm an adult damn it!

  I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but if it has...you know it can be very frustrating.
  I started going to church faithfully about 14 years ago. I'm not talking occasion youth activities or helping out at kids camp (which is something I'd previously done). I'm talking about actively attending every Sunday, being on the worship team, helping out at events. Being a productive member of the congregation. My family wasn't involved because they didn't do church. They'd come to the occasional event if I sang, but other than that their Sundays were spent in bed watching TV.
  Although, I was the youngest adult person the in congregation (for a long time it went from me DIRECTLY TO KIDS, no teens in sight), I was thought of as my own person. I was looked at as Melanie and when my family came they were Melanie's family. Well, then my parent's started to attend the church and I quickly became Randal and Shirley's daughter Melanie. The individuality that I had has all but disappeared. Truthfully, some of that falls on me... I took a job where I worked on Sundays and the Sundays I didn't work, I was too tried to attend service. Then after I left that job, my heart really wasn't into going to church. And in all honesty, as much as I've tried since...my heart is not into this church any longer. In these few years of inconsistent attendance the church has grown immensely. Most people only know my parents, so I can see how the tables have turned and my ever present parents now take the lead position in the family...that's fine. What's not fine is the blanket disregard for me as a complete individual. Now, I'm only Randal and Shirley's daughter. If someone needs to give me a message they go through my parents instead of say...call, email, text, or facebook me. If I tell someone something that I don't intend everyone on the planet to know at some point one of the my parents casually strolls in to reveal what they know...like it's no big deal. I have been reduced to that of a 5 year old who needs their parents permission to participate in life. It's very frustrating, very belittling and very very unnecessary.
  Regardless of whether or not this "treating me like a child" phase had started or not, it was very much becoming a burden to go to church with my parents where I had established my own identity anyway. We are all slightly different from what our families know...when we are in the world away from our families we are different, we just are. Immediately my parent's wiped that identity away and replaced it with what they know me as. As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I tried to shine in my own way...they laid on me what they always do. Tried to change me like they always do, instead of just allowing me to be.
  Now, this church is very much theirs and not so much mine. In truth, I've moved on from it. My heart no longer longs to be there or with those people. As much as I love them and that place, because of the time spent there and how much I grew while there...there's a burden there that I neither want or need. So it's time for me to move on...it's funny because I think that the people who want me there are only wanting that for selfish reasons. I think that even on the day I start to attend the church (the true place my heart longs to be) they will still wonder why I left...but they won't ever really understand my need to stand on my own and to be in a place for myself...not just because it's the place I've always been. It feels like I've grown and the church has as well, but we've grown in two different directions and no longer fit together.
   But I do have to say that it would be nice to be treated like I'm an adult and not just someones child. Because when I'm looked at that way I'm reduced to something that's only one tiny part of me.

    Until Next Time!

      ~m

Comparing Your Holiness

  The other day I discovered (through unashamed google stalking) that someone I'm kinda intimidated by is a Christian. Ever since finding out this information I've been running scenarios in my mind about how much better they probably are at being a Christian than I am....how much more spiritual and responsible they must be...and how I'm not.

   And after a few days of this I had to stop myself and ask..."why, are you doing this to yourself?" You see, as much as I try not to compare ourselves with those around us we sometimes find myself doing it when it comes to the type of Christian I am. I'm not the greatest Christian on earth and I probably never will be. But I strive (most times) to be the greatest Christian I can be. That's all I can ask of myself. My walk with God is unique, because my walk through life is unique, so why would I compare myself to others? Because I'm a big dork and it's in my nature. So, as I sit day after day and wonder about this person and their walk I'm failing to see what I should really be focusing on...my walk.

   Besides, Christians come in all different shapes and sizes. We come from different backgrounds and churches...we have different ways of looking at faith and what it means to be a Christian (think I'm wrong...look at the different TV preachers, see how different they are from each other). I know this and it's one of the things I love and hate about Christianity...so why would I even start to compare myself? Probably cause I'm intimidated...probably because I'm in a transition...probably because I feel slightly lost in all things called life. I mean...does being a good Christian mean you're holy? Does just being a Christian mean you're holy???

   Who defines what holy is anyway (I don't mean in the bible, I mean in our surroundings)?We all have flaws and issues and we all make mistakes so who among us is actually Holy? I know Catholics consider the Pope to be Holy (hey one of his names is Holy See). But I don't consider my pastor to be holy. He's a good man, but he makes mistakes and he has issues. There's no one I can think of in my life currently or in the past who I would consider Holy so why would I think someone was holier than me?
 
    Also, what a thing to put on a person...to judge them on their personal relationship with God and what that means to them by my own standards and for me to think they'd judge me based on theirs. Both situations are unfair and can lead to a very iffy discourse between you and whoever else is involved, especially because for me this whole situation is completely taking place in my own head...and I'll probably never have this conversation with this person.
 
    Basicly, I'm not sure why I would get myself so worked up about this...why I would even bother when I have so much more going on...I guess I'm just curious...

    And you know what they say about curiousity?
    
    Until Next Time!

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

Race in the Pulpit

  On Sunday morning, on the way to church, my mom tuned the radio to KJLH (which our local R&B station and broadcasts several church services/sermons on Sundays). The Pastor that was speaking was on a diatribe about race. Now, let me say this...I understand the point he was trying to make. He was trying to say that race, creed and class don't matter to God and it shouldn't matter to us as God's people and Christ's followers. That's the point he was trying to make, but he went about it in a very round about way.
  He started off on a bit of a rant about race and how race is in this country. How all minorities are treated as less than and inferior. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with his opinion on the subject, that's not the point of this post. No, my point in this post is to point out how much I dislike when Pastors use their pulpits to talk about racial issues trying to insight some type of radicalism, racial tension or empowerment. Also, I want to show how he could of made his point without going off on the racial tangent. I do understand that the Civil Rights movement started in  the churches of the South and I appreciate that, but those Pastors were making specific points to get people out of the comfort zones to start a revolution. This Pastor, it seemed to me, was just trying to upset people and make a flimsy spiritual point. 
  See, I believe that real Christians...already know that all life is precious and means something to God...therefore it means something to us. We know that we are all equal in God's eyes and therefore we are all equal on earth. I believe this because these are the things the Holy Spirit shows us, this is the type of insight we get when we receive the HS in our lives. So to preach about it in a racial standpoint is just iffy to me. Let's face the true facts here...


Do we have racial problems in this country? Yes
Do we have class issues? Yes


  We've got problems...but they aren't just between Minorities and majorities. Within our own communities we have these issues (example, before then Senator Obama announced his campaign for the Presidency I saw a woman on BET say that if he became President he wouldn't be legitimate because he wasn't "black enough" being that he was half white and half African and not of actual African American descent. Therefore couldn't really grasp the plight of the African American and couldn't truly represent us.) Within our own races we look down on each other...you're too dark, too light, ghetto, white trash, a wetback etc. etc. we all do it. So for this Pastor to simply make it seem like it's a White against all minorities issues is ludicrous and wrong. 
  We are human, flawed, judgmental, dumb and jealous. We hate on or criticize others around us to make ourselves feel better. We put down others to feel superior...but WE aren't! The smartest of us know this...we don't see color, class, creed, sexual orientation or gender and we respect all. So the fact that this pastor couldn't get past his hang up on race to give a broader more direct message to his congregation is just really sad.
   What he should of been saying is something like this. As humans we all look around us and see what we want. We see ourselves better than those of lower socio-economical status or (in some cases) than people who have more money than us...because we'd don't more with our money to help to world. We take ourselves more serious then we should...we hoard our belongs and live in a state were material things are more important than the people around us. We all do it, but not one of us is better then anyone else. No matter what the society around us says or propagates we are all human...made in God's imagine and as such, loved by Him. We as, His followers should know, by the Holy Spirit, these truths. But as flawed humans we stumble and forget them...so the Holy Spirit has to remind us. It is our job, as His followers, to try EVERYDAY to show the world what is true...that no matter where you come from or what you have you are important, you are respected and you are loved. We are equally...none better than the other and we should all be treated that way.


   THAT WHAT HE SHOULD OF SAID...sadly, it's not.

Finding it...but it's too far away

  So I spent a lovely weekend with my friend (sister really) Kristi and my lil lamb a couple few ago. It was a fantastic weekend filled with train rides, baby kisses, Lord of the Rings and an Irish Pub. But what it also featured was my visit to The City Church, which is the church Kristi's in laws (Jacquie and Randy) attend. Now, I must say Jacquie has been trying to get me to visit the church for over a year now and this was the first opportunity to actually visit (she wants me to become an intern there, which would force me to move to Ventura). Of course, she wasn't there and neither were the Pastors or any of the interns she insisted that Kristi introduce me to...but I digress. I walked into the church with an open mind. I didn't know what I was going to see. The fact is that although I've been searching for the church that fits me perfectly for a long time...I know that what I really want came and went out of my life a long time ago. So, I walked in not knowing what type of music, sermon or atmosphere I was going to encounter. I must say that I was surprised, inspired and overjoyed by what I experienced that Sunday. It did me good to be there and to see it...because I don't think I would have believed how much I'd enjoy my short time there without actually experiencing it for myself.
   The music was in a style I enjoyed and the speaking (although she was a guest) was wonderful. I laughed, cried and sang my heart out. It was an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed and when it was all over, it felt like it ended way too soon. I felt like that was where I was supposed to be...really I know it's weird and I've been trying to find reasons (excuses) to move up to VC for years...and of course God would use this church to give me more insight into that thought process. Knowing, as He does, about my hunt and prayers for a different church He lead me right into it...then promptly asked, "So what are you gonna do about it?"
    So what am I gonna do about it...finally finding what I want but it's 70 miles away? 

Uncomfortable At Church

 About a year ago I noticed something weird. I was sitting in church and this person across the sanctuary stared at me the entire time. I could feel their eyes on me and every time I looked their way, they were indeed looking directly at me. I shrugged it off as a fluke and went about my church going business. I did asked my mother who this person was, cause I honestly didn't know, and explained the situation to her. She told me who this person was then completely dismissed my feelings (as she always does) saying that maybe this person just wanted to ask me something...from across the church throughout an hour and a half church service...okay?. Over the next few months, however, this person continue their staring ways, staring at me at pretty much every instance they could. Never actually speaking to me when I thought they might (in fact it seemed they were just walking toward me to get a closer look). Eventually it started to freak me out. So, instead of causing some type of scene or complaining about it. I just chose to ignore this persons ridiculous actions.
  Fast forward to two weeks ago...my mother tells me that she has finally witnessed this behavior and that she thought it was a little weird. She said she thought this person wanted to say something to me (because I sang a solo during the service) but they never actually opened their mouth, just stood there staring. I'm at a loss...it's been a year and I'm still awkward...it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable and although I ignore it, I can't help but wonder who else has not only noticed this, but maybe experienced it. I don't think this person is bad or will try to harm me, but  I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm in God's house trying to worship.


   What do you think I should do?

You Need Jesus

 Do we, as Christians, use the "you need Jesus" card to often and to rashly? I find that I use it often and every time I do I'm convicting myself more than anyone else, because I don't spend enough time with Him.


 It seems like this is the simplest way to dismiss someone's problems. Instead of really listening we say, "oh they just need Jesus" and in a way we elevate ourselves above them. Because of that, we become Pharisees. Many may argue, well that person does need Jesus...but those people are missing the point. Jesus, in his physical body, was here over 2000 years ago...he left behind his words, stories and Holy Spirit, but the act of the physical he left up to His followers. We are the ones who are supposed to use our arms to comfort, use are hands to protect and use our feet to guide others into the "family". But before we can do any of these we must listen...we must find out what exactly is needed of us and if we're dismissing the words before we really listen to them then are we doing what Jesus is expecting?


  To me, the obvious answer is no. How can we? Not only are we dismissing them, but we're neglecting them...we're rejecting them. These people who need an ear, a shoulder or just a reassuring smile. How can we give them any of that when we want to move on to something else so quickly. 


SideNote: This past Sunday my pastor said this... "compassion does not work without touch"

Harry Potter Small Group

 We have a new small group at my church...it's finding God in Harry Potter. We're going to be watching the films (reading the books would take too long) and discussing the Christian symbolism in them. We had our first meeting last Sunday and I know this will not only be fun for us HP nerds in the group, but it will be informative for the parents of kids who are cautious about the witchcraft and wizardry in the books.
  Because there's been such a backlash in the Christian community about these books I think taking a closer look at them can make all the difference in the world. 


   All that said, I'm very excited and can't wait to get start....although I'll probably skip the 3rd movie...it sucks!

Take You as I See You

  Call me naive, call me gullible...call me stupid...but whatever you call me don't call me wrong. In life I try to live by that rule "Don't judge a book by it's cover" I'm not always successful (which is another post) but I try and in doing so I take that all the way to the bank. I trust people at their word, and I continue to trust them until they give me reason not to. Once they have, I'm done with them, my trust can never be regained. 
  I'm talking about this because I was thinking about a conversation I had a couple months ago. I had just stopped watching a child who attends my church and I had yet to get paid for the last week or so. I was already well aware of the parents finances and how/when the majority of their money came in. So, I wasn't worried or anxious about getting paid. In fact, I was just the opposite. I trusted that they would pay me as soon as they had the money and until then I wasn't going to worry about it. But I went to a friend's house and they were shocked that I had not only not been paid yet, but that I wasn't demanding to be paid right then are there. For the next 30 minutes or so I got doubled team about how I needed to call her and demand that I get my money or remind her somehow that they still owe me. The more I tried to explain my position the more they yelled at me and the more upset I became. Basically what these two people were telling me was that whatever trust I had built up with this family over that last few months should be thrown away for money. I know that's the world we live in...people see the opportunity to get money and don't really care who they screw over, but I'm not like that. If that makes me naive, then so be it. You see I'd rather be naive, I'd rather trust that people will do what they say then to walk around my whole life with a giant chip on my shoulder. I'd rather see the potential good over the potential negativity. I'd rather trust than not...it really keeps the stress down.
   Everyone chooses to conduct their lives differently based on experiences...my experiences tell me that when I trust people I'm more successful than when I don't. And when that trust is broken, my experience tells me never to trust that person again. That's how I view it...that's what I act on.


   In the end, without demanding something they couldn't give me at the time. Without looking and acting like some sort of craze bitch who has no tact I got the money owed to me. No questions, no hang ups. Because I had a relationship built on trust. So if I'm naive, gullible or stupid....fine, but I'm not wrong.

Pushy Christians (Update)

 A friend of mine came through and read this post...he person told me that I'm not the only person who has experienced this situation with the female I was wrote about. Several others have also been backed into a corner and asked questions that are necessarily appropriate by the same woman. So, I'm not alone...but I don't know if that a good or bad thing. oh well! 




This last Sunday I went to church and enjoyed the service. I found myself sitting by myself and seeing people I haven't seen in a while. I also happened to sit behind some fairly new people. I say fairly new, because I've seen them several times before when I attended church under the radar (they, apparently never saw me). I will remember them for some specific reasons. One, the woman was doing the "Axl Rose Dance" (if you don't what that is watch the Sweet Child of Mine video) during worship and Two, the encounter that took place after church.

 Now, even though I blog about my life, I tend to be a rather reserved in person. I don't get in your business and I definitely don't want you in mine. So, why within two minutes of introducing herself to me did this woman start to pry into my life? She began to ask me things that were innocent at first glance but still not really the type of questions you ask of someone you just met. I was taken back by all these questions but because she threw them at me in a rapid fire pace my brain just answered them all without stopping. It wasn't until later that I stopped to think about the conversation, about the questions and my stunned somewhat uneasy answers. I found that the thing that most offended me was a kind of backhanded comment she made.

 She asked how long I've been going to my church, I told her more than ten years and she said she'd never seen me before (which isn't too odd, because we have 2 Sunday morning services) when I told her that I only come sporadically and that if I'm not here I'm at home she said, "well at least you're not church hopping". Huh? Excuse me? So what if I am...who are you, this person I've own for 30 seconds to analyze me and come out with that? Looking back that was the moment when I should have politely walked away from her.

 Not all churches are the same some offer things you cannot find anywhere else. Some are generic and still some are filled with people who find it their business to be in yours. I go to my church because I love my Pastor and his wife...those are my reasons, other things about it are lacking. I go for the sermon. If I choose to find others Churches to fill my worship needs who is anyone else to critique or criticize that? Especially someone who doesn't know me?

 That is one of my main problems with some Christians (which I know is a weird statements considering I myself am a Christian), the judgements they thrust upon others, they do it by putting people down and judging but calling it concern. It's fake, hurtful and frankly unneeded. Instead of pushing for information into someones life, why don't you push to help a family in need or pray for the sick. I don't need your questions or remarks about my life, when you don't know anything about it.

Baptism

  My brother was baptized last Sunday. 


  I assumed that he had already been baptized...since he had gone to a different church for so long and has a tendency to secretive. I just thought it was something he'd done and not mentioned. I was wrong.


  Baptism is a personal choice...but a big choice. It's a declaration to the world, to the body that I'm now apart of you. We can accept Jesus quietly without making much noise...without a big giant show. Just sitting, standing, kneeling or even driving we can ask Jesus into out hearts and lives. But baptism is a shout...it's a big giant leap, it's designed to show everyone that you're ready to walk the walk and talk the talk. 

  My brother did that this weekend.


   I am proud of him. I'm happy about the decision he's made not only to be baptized and presented to the community of followers, but also to help minister to the youth around him. To be the example of what it means to be a Christ follower.


   No one is perfect...but we can strive for it...we can live our lives in a way that will honor God and represent him to the best of our abilities. I know that Randal has accepted this challenge and will do his best.


   I love you and I pray that you will continue to be a man after God's own heart, a light onto the world and a person those around you can/will look up to!