Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m