Fires and Heat

When most people think of Southern California they think....beaches, beautiful people and weather, celebrities and sun!!!

Most people don't think about the extreme heat, earthquakes or fires! The east coast has hurricanes....the middle of the country has Tornadoes and the west has earthquakes. Now the first two are seasons....but the last isn't, which in my opinion makes us kinda lucky cause it just hits we don't have to watch it coming! But we do have a threatening season....it's called FIRE SEASON and we are in the middle of it right now!

When it's extremely hot and dry with little to no wind, we Southern Californians find ourselves surrounded by forest fires, brush fires....raging, out of control, unstoppable fires...and every year it seems to get bigger, scary and hotter!

In the last two weeks, we've had (I could be wrong) 3 major fires! And these fires have added to the dry heat we are feeling in the basin! The wind has left us (which is good for the fires) so we are trying our hardest not to kill over. I am not fortunate enough to live in a house with A/C so we are barely moving around the house...drinking tons of water and generally trying to stay our of each others way!

I can't get up in the morning without choking on smoke and the air is literally yellow all day long...and it's not from the sun!

And since Los Angeles sits in the middle of a desert, in which we supply water from outside sources, and we have had little to no rain in order to replenish those sources we are in a drought...so our ground are dryer then usual.

I think I'm going to move to someplace cool with no fires. Antarctica anyone?

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley

Dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

Singin: dont worry bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry (dont worry) bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, this is my message to you-ou-ou:

Singin: dont worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. dont worry!
Singin: dont worry about a thing - I wont worry!
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right - I wont worry!
Singin: dont worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: dont worry about a thing, oh no!
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

You Don't Know

You don't know the pain you cause with the nonchalance you place on your relationships!
You have chosen him over family and friends, not caring about the consequence!
Watch the walls tumble around you wondering why is this happening.
Hate filled anger fills your lungs and you don't care who feels your wrath!
You don't know how to talk to people, you don't know how to look someone in the eye, you are completely false because you are completely void.
You are in a relationship so dramatized, so traumatized, so abusive on both parts that you except to be treated like that by everyone, so you treat everyone like that!

I'm not judging I don't care how you choose to spend your life, but I see an end to this situation.
I see an end to the jealousy that consumes him, that keeps you engulf in this world of darkness.
I see an end to this relationship that you completely and totally justify to all those around you.
In the end, you will be alone...
Looking around wondering when the walls fell down and we all walked away.
I refuse to watch this thing you call love, I refuse to be a part of this unnatural life.

A Purpose Driven Life

So, a few years ago, Marina (my church) bought all the members a copy of the book "A Purpose Driven Life" and the accompanying daily journal. Like everything having to do with church, I started it, but didn't finish it.

Well, I've been thinking about going out and buying a daily devotional, but then I thought...hey I have this book and journal, why don't I just do that on a daily basis. I think it lasts a month and from there I can move on to a daily journal!

It's going to take some real disciple to do this, I will have to really dedicate myself to this, but I'm ready for this journey!

My Heart by Paramore

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)
My heart is yours (My heart is yours)
This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart is yours(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart is yours(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

My heart is...

Give me a SERVANT'S heart

Earlier this week I posted about my feelings about God and how I'm slowly but surely finding my way back to him. I told you how the prayer "Lord, give me a servant's heart" had been running through my mind and I had found myself praying it.

Well today, I took my first actual steps to be a servant of the Lord. We (my mom, Amber, Danae and I) got up early this morning and went to help foster kids pick out clothes for school at Kohl's in West Hills. I've been up (except for an hour long nap) since 3:30 this morning, it was still dark!!!! But I'm very glad/happy that I did it and could be used. I'm also happy that I my friends and family wanted to take part in it with me!

We didn't hang out together in the store (well, my mom and Danae were paired up). I had two teenage girls and their mom with me for about an hour and 45 mins. I didn't know how they were going to react to me, or even if they would interact with me (especially with their mom there) but by the end of it all...we had fun and they got some really cute clothes!

Lord, give me a servants heart!

At the end of the day, it didn't matter what time we had to get up, who drove or how tired I've been all day. What really matters is that those girls had fun. I don't know their entire situation, but it seems like they are in a very loving home with people who truly care for them. Their mom thanked me and said repeatedly that she was happy because I actually got them to shop (because she can't!), not only did they shop, but they both strayed outside their comfort zone and got clothes that they wouldn't normally pick out!

My prayer going into anything has always been, "God, if I can just affect one kid, if I can just make one kid happy, I'll be fine with that!" I think that God answered both my prayers today and I'm very happy about it!

Lord, give me a servant's heart!

Me and My God part 2

There are alot of changes that need to be done. I always find my inspiration in the moment that it's least useful. At a time when I don't have a pen in my hand to write it down or when in an instant I will forget it. This morning, "Lord give me a servants heart" went flying through my head. I remember it, because I've never asked for it before...I've never wanted that before, Never!

The servants are the lowest, that last...but Jesus knelt before His disciples and served them. I look around this world (country) and see everything telling me that I'm too good to be a servant and my mind totally rejects the claim that as a Christian I SHOULD be a servant. I should follow Jesus' example and serve the people around me? And even though my mind rejects it, all day I've been thinking the same thing, "Lord give me a servants heart"?

What's going on? Have I completely lost my mind? Am I in the process of losing my mind or is it that this silent little pray is what I've been hiding away in my heart? I've been told that the Lord will give us the desires of our hearts. I've learned that it's true, but it's not when we want it or how we expect to get it. I've had desires on my heart for YEARS that have not been obtained prayers that haven't been answered, but this one...this small little whisper of a prayer, I know God will give me. "Lord give me a servant's heart".

The first step for me will be this Saturday...I will be getting up at some crazy hour in the morning and heading out to West Hills to help some foster kids go shopping for new school clothes. All I want to do is make it a fun experience, be encouraging and serve. Because as much as I want to fight it, this is what I've been called to do!

I know that like any other relationship this one, between me and God, is going to take some time to mend. But I know He's patient and I know He wants to be actively in my life. So, I just have to get pass all my issues and open myself up to Him again

Random Acts of Kindness

Sometimes, people just do things that make you step back and say wow!

A couple of days ago someone came up to me and said, I have something for you. I have something I want to give you, it's a leather jacket! I just have to remember to bring it. Well, just that thought was nice, and since I figure that most people are as forgetful as I am, I didn't think I'd see it anytime soon. But the thought was nice!

Low and behold, today, I received this nice leather jacket. She looks at me and says I wanted to give it to someone special....I didn't really want to give it up, but I want you to have it!

What do you say to that? I mean, that's just not something you expect! Random acts of kindness are amazing!


(I didn't include who the kind individual was or where this took place, but it wasn't just some random stranger!)

With or Without You by U2

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you giveAnd you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you giveAnd you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you

Me and My God

I haven't been on the best terms with God in the last year or so, actually if I'm being completely honest I don't think (for my part) that I've EVER been on good terms with God! I don't know if it's my stubbornness, my laziness or just my ability to BS my way out of stuff. Even though I've been fortunate to always be surrounded by people who love me and love God, I've always taken it for granted. I love Him and I'm faithful but only to an extent! I won't lie, I have the time but I don't put it into the relationship. I'm a taker, I'll admit it, I own that part of my personality and I'm not trying to run away from it. I've taken everything God has given me and I don't give much (if anything back).


In July I did a concert for the Songs for Sudan series. I did it with a broken heart and although I wanted to channel it all to glorify Him and raise money for the children, really, it was a very selfish thing for me to do! I enjoyed every minute of it, but I didn't really give Him the glory for it, I gave some of it to the guys in the band that backed me, but I kept most of it for myself. And even though my head was telling me that THIS is what I should do or say or be thankful for....and even though I prayed when I thought things were going to fall apart I never thanked him for pulling it all together in the end.


I grew up in church, I went with my aunt when I was young. I saw my mom reading the bible at home and I went to Christian school from 5Th-9Th grades. I've been active in the church since I can remember and I now...I barely even go! My perspective changes on my mood. Right now, well for a while, I haven't wanted to go to church because I didn't feel like I NEED to go to church. Or because there are people at church that I don't want to deal with. I've become so numbed by my own feelings of hurt, so unwilling to forgive when I've felt wronged that I have just completely disregarded that impact that a Sunday morning in the presence of God with other believers is.


I have this habit of blaming other people for my mistakes (I think I get that for my dad), I don't take responsibility for my actions and instead I just place the blame on others. But I have the right, there are things from my life that haunt me everyday. Situations and pains that will continue to tap on my shoulder for the rest of my life. I've had my heart broken, been lied to and about and ultimately betrayed. And I know that I'm supposed to forgive. I know that not forgiving only hurts me. That ultimately I will be so calloused and hard that nothing and no one will be able to penetrate it. Well I'm there! I've built this really sad wall to try to hide myself behind! (but I did a bad job and the wall sucks!) I tell myself I won't let anyone in, but the only person I'm keeping out is GOD! Jesus is knocking....God is knocking...the Holy Spirit is still trying to figure out when exactly I gave him the boot. I'd tell Him, but I'm not sure myself.


Why am I typing this all out, because I'm at the point where things are starting to click again. The wheel is starting to turn, in fact it's been turning for a while. I've just been leery about letting go of the bitterness and moving past it all. There this person (who shall remain nameless, don't worry it's a real person who I don't know and is sorta famous, who I have a crush on right now), who is a Christian, I've been reading interviews with him and it kind of hit me in the head like hey, this guy has this spotlight on him and he's using it! He's standing up and telling people about God, about his relationship with God and about how truly happy he is! I'm always the negative person who says, yeah right, but I've heard this too many times to refuse it! The kicker came yesterday. I read an article on Monday, which in the nameless person said that he does things that other people just don't want to do, he'll get up at some ridiculous time in the morning and go hang out with orphans, or go to the far reaching countries in the world and preach (when he could be doing something "more" fun). That day (Monday) my mom asked if I wanted to go help some orphans pick out back to school clothes, but we have to be at the store at 6:00am! I listened and thought nope, then yesterday it hit me....I can go hang with these kids, help them pick out clothes and just be there....this is something simple that I can do, just because...God has given me the tools.

It also so happens that this weekend on facebook I did a quiz....what biblical gift did God give you?, or something like that and I got prophet...that made me think about this "gifts" quiz I did at church, prophet was my number two...teacher was my number one! That plus all my recent reading...has had me thinking...what am I wasting...my times, my gifts, my talents. God said that if we don't use the talents he's given us he'll take them away. It's not like I don't know what gifts I have...I've used them all at one point or another...I'm just too lazy and scared to use them now!

I know what I'm scared of! I know what I should be doing, I'm not stupid. I know! I know what He wants me to do, but I'm scared of the path...that ultimate trust of just holding out my hand in the darkness and letting Him lead me through. Here's a quick thought, when you're scared...your not happy. I want to be happy, I want to do what He wants me to do...God and I have been playing a game since I set up the rules, I'll do this, if you do that! You know what....I'm losing!

Ending After

There's a day in your life that will never fade from memory. It will hang there, for all time, gnawing on the back of your mind.


The memories will find their way to the surface at times and burst out like a single stream of falling stars, and you will be helpless to stop them.


They may be memories of the fondest kind or moments so black that your soul aches at the thought of them. They'll bring you to your knees in an instant and have you crippled with grief.


These moments may be few and far between, but the impact can ruin a sane moment, or beautiful day.


Will you cry in happiness at the thought of one of these rushes of life inside your mind or cringed at the thought of these ever present creatures lurking in the distance.

Pain recalls pain, but you must work to find the joy. Our minds may be full of it, but joy can be fleeting


Ending After Part Deux!

Ending after, the rains dances around the tree tops in search of it's final destination. Calling forth it's memories of the times it's fallin before. Taken up to heaven in a vapor, it's former self momentarily forgotten. Returning to the clouds it so fonding calls home.

Ending after, the day you place to rest the life you could not imagine. How must waste did you gather and pour out onto those around you? There shall be no sympathy for those who are wicked, no popularity for the undead who know no truth. The smiles fade and the tears dry to nothingness and you pass out of time forgotten!

Ending after, the war has passed and you stand alone triumphant and scared! Your whole world passed in a blink and before you could grasp it, he was gone. Called out by his words you filled your heart with blind tasks to fill the hole. You will be loved again, in the way to need. There is an ending after the end!

What is going on?

Okay, I'm an Angeleno (Angelino, however you spell it!), I was born and raised in the Greater Los Angeles Area. In the 80's I watched and enjoyed the Lakers, win or lose! My favorite player was and always will be Kurt Rambis! He retired and then came back as an assistant coach under Phil Jackson. Well, after years (and years) with the Laker organization he is leaving! How can this be! Not only is he leaving, but he's going to MINNESOTA!!!!! OMG!!!!!

Does he not know how cold it gets there? Has anyone tried to tell him that they don't go to Hawaii for training camp? Does he understand that this fan will miss watching the games just to see him writing something on the sideline? (well, he probably doesn't know about that last one!)

I am happy that someone has enough faith in his talents to give him the reins of a team, but does it have to be that one? It's so far and so cold and so....not LA!

Between the Lakers acquiring Ron Artest and Kurt Rambis leaving....I may be too hurt to watch any Laker games this year...and to think, I was actually going to attempt to get tickets! Boo!

High Above

Sitting above the heavens to catch a glimpse of earth below life a magic veil being lifted from my eyes, I see the contrasting of colors, textures and terrain.

I am lost in wonder as my world and skies are laid bare before me. Clouds of white cotton soft unopposing, but protective of whats below kiss my feet with cool lightness quickly moving on to their next victim. Leaving me breathless and undeniably eager for more.

Is this where the angels tread? Their wings fluttering through the gaps where sunlight shines down to earth? Or is this place so perfect that God did not intend us to see it, but we defied him, as always, seeking the knowledge he reserved for himself? To that thought I am in awe of the quiet beyond my window and yearn to sit on a cloud and watch the world unfold below me.

Vast as an ocean of green, brown, white, and blue hues. Cities of lights, deserts bare and trails cut deep I cannot disguise them but am content to do nothing but watch the time pass from my perch.

The sun beats my back and I am drawn into my cool cotton home listening to things I do not understand or care to.

I am home in heaven; in this perfect place above the clouds where my heart is content and wants nothing more.

See the sights that inspired this poem on My Journey in Photography!

Laments

There was a time when my hope sustained me I believed the promises you gave me. My heart was full of my hope in you.

I've always wanted somethings...my heart has never changed, but it has!

My hope is gone, I am not full of you anymore. I don't understand how you can watch the pain grow and still say it's good for me.

I'm alone, you don't sustain me! I see you but I can't feel you and I don't know if I want to!

Bitterness has replaced my hope, loneliness has filled my heart. I'm standing in the shadows and I'm hurting.

YOU ARE hurting me, but I don't think you see me anymore.

My hope is lost

I'm all alone.

armor

there's a crack in my armor. so i refuse to put it on, but i won't get it fixed. so i walk on unprotected.

there's a hole in my armor that i knew froma crack. i won't wear it, but i refuse to get it fixed...

there are holes in my armor, i've lost my shield and my sword is rusted.

is there nothing for me here? i'm refusin to see it. so i've abandoned my quest and i'm going my own way.

Bride and Groom

Cradle me softly, do not say a word, let out hearts speak only...
of the love and sweet things our lips have yet to say.
Think of things in our life that have yet to come.
Caress me as I sleep, let your breathing sooth my weary soul.
Your warmth carries me away from this place and leaves me wanting more.
I am yours truly from this moment on, I have been yours since the moment I was born.
Love me here in the stillness of this room for I am the bride and you are the groom.

Mistake nothing you have seen as truth, there is none here. Only shadows and lies of plenty, moving curiously through ages of folk who know nothing more than old wives tales passed down through generations of misguided elders.

Nothing in this world is folley: all is fake! Fields spring forth to nothingness and freeze in winters depth. Summer rides eastern skies and triumphs as knocking doors cringe at heat. I am a rock of unyielding strength that cries as sorrow spreads. Wake my mind if you dare and I will run you bare with gospel and toil. Remove yourself from me but take heed at my words for I am the lies that you have heard.

March yourself into the fire, make yourself right in the Lord and see the falling of all this earth. I am the message that you speak: all men shiver and fall before me. Sleep in your dreams with care and suspicions for I am your Eden. Search no more for truth, this place has none for you!

Find yourself a manner in which to dwell and sell the secret you should not tell, for my words are death in it's simplest form. To covet, the clutch, to yearn, to warn.

I am the seeker set on the path to guide those that must be glad to find themselves a way to see the truth behind beautiful things that men create to show their charms and women wear upon their breast and me I can surely attest that all is not above the rest, there is no place rotten shores in heavens rigid corridors, I find myself a slighty enemy to the nothingness that pursues me.

So heat my words, oh sullen folk, drink the truth that I've spoken and convince yourself of this fact: the truth is a lie more neatly wrapped!

Quotes

"How could a Christian have such fear and trembling at going to his eternal peace"

"Death was no more than the gateway to new birth"

Mists of Avalon

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt"

Abraham Lincoln

"See your trials thru your own eyes. Don't compare it to others"

Unknown

"So here it is truth is always trumped by lies, friendship may be shattered with words,
gossip destroys everyone involved, silent tears stain the cheeks of the heartbroken"

Melanie Slayton

"I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it."

Thomas Jefferson

Pot and Kettle

My mom and I took my grandmother out to shop today. We were hungry, so we stopped and purchased ourselves some food. My father doesn't allow my mom to spend money she earns unless it's on him. So he called and asked her to go buy him some food even though she was only allotted 20 bucks today. He wanted Chinese from a place that doesn't take debit card and she had no cash, so he threw a tantrum and said forget it!

We got home and my mom made my brother and father food before she sat down and ate. 99 percent of the time I would have called the house and offered to buy food for everyone, but since my father doesn't feel the need to speak to me, I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO BUY HIM ANYTHING!

He just told my mother, "I'm trying to fight her selfishness and you come home with food only for yourselves", well since he thinks I'm the selfish one I'm calling bullshit on this statement!
I'm listing just a few examples of HIS selfishness, so that you can see the pot calling the kettle black!


1. He is known to get hungry, go to the taco truck, eat and come home...like nothing happened while the rest of us are sitting here eating peanut butter out of the jar.

2. He is known to make himself lavish meals...breakfast and/or lunch not making anything else he doesn't eat most of the food he piles on his plate and he leaves the dishes for someone else to wash.

3. He is known to try to raise rent because he doesn't know how to pay his bills on time.

4. He is known to go buy beer when he could buy groceries.

5. He is known to do nothing, not going to the market or trying to make dinner when he knows there is absolutely no food in the house.

6. He is known to tell people they can't label the food they pay for, then he hides food in his room so he won't have to share...and on top of that he eat your food too.

7. He is known to treat people like crap then wants to get upset when no one wants him around or when, dare I say it, they treat him the same way.

8. He is known to be ungrateful, uncaring and unforgiving, but expects everyone to kiss his feet as he walks by!

Those are just some of the reason why I have lost all respect for the man who calls himself my father. He thinks that I am selfish, well he needs to look in the mirror!