Me and My God

I haven't been on the best terms with God in the last year or so, actually if I'm being completely honest I don't think (for my part) that I've EVER been on good terms with God! I don't know if it's my stubbornness, my laziness or just my ability to BS my way out of stuff. Even though I've been fortunate to always be surrounded by people who love me and love God, I've always taken it for granted. I love Him and I'm faithful but only to an extent! I won't lie, I have the time but I don't put it into the relationship. I'm a taker, I'll admit it, I own that part of my personality and I'm not trying to run away from it. I've taken everything God has given me and I don't give much (if anything back).


In July I did a concert for the Songs for Sudan series. I did it with a broken heart and although I wanted to channel it all to glorify Him and raise money for the children, really, it was a very selfish thing for me to do! I enjoyed every minute of it, but I didn't really give Him the glory for it, I gave some of it to the guys in the band that backed me, but I kept most of it for myself. And even though my head was telling me that THIS is what I should do or say or be thankful for....and even though I prayed when I thought things were going to fall apart I never thanked him for pulling it all together in the end.


I grew up in church, I went with my aunt when I was young. I saw my mom reading the bible at home and I went to Christian school from 5Th-9Th grades. I've been active in the church since I can remember and I now...I barely even go! My perspective changes on my mood. Right now, well for a while, I haven't wanted to go to church because I didn't feel like I NEED to go to church. Or because there are people at church that I don't want to deal with. I've become so numbed by my own feelings of hurt, so unwilling to forgive when I've felt wronged that I have just completely disregarded that impact that a Sunday morning in the presence of God with other believers is.


I have this habit of blaming other people for my mistakes (I think I get that for my dad), I don't take responsibility for my actions and instead I just place the blame on others. But I have the right, there are things from my life that haunt me everyday. Situations and pains that will continue to tap on my shoulder for the rest of my life. I've had my heart broken, been lied to and about and ultimately betrayed. And I know that I'm supposed to forgive. I know that not forgiving only hurts me. That ultimately I will be so calloused and hard that nothing and no one will be able to penetrate it. Well I'm there! I've built this really sad wall to try to hide myself behind! (but I did a bad job and the wall sucks!) I tell myself I won't let anyone in, but the only person I'm keeping out is GOD! Jesus is knocking....God is knocking...the Holy Spirit is still trying to figure out when exactly I gave him the boot. I'd tell Him, but I'm not sure myself.


Why am I typing this all out, because I'm at the point where things are starting to click again. The wheel is starting to turn, in fact it's been turning for a while. I've just been leery about letting go of the bitterness and moving past it all. There this person (who shall remain nameless, don't worry it's a real person who I don't know and is sorta famous, who I have a crush on right now), who is a Christian, I've been reading interviews with him and it kind of hit me in the head like hey, this guy has this spotlight on him and he's using it! He's standing up and telling people about God, about his relationship with God and about how truly happy he is! I'm always the negative person who says, yeah right, but I've heard this too many times to refuse it! The kicker came yesterday. I read an article on Monday, which in the nameless person said that he does things that other people just don't want to do, he'll get up at some ridiculous time in the morning and go hang out with orphans, or go to the far reaching countries in the world and preach (when he could be doing something "more" fun). That day (Monday) my mom asked if I wanted to go help some orphans pick out back to school clothes, but we have to be at the store at 6:00am! I listened and thought nope, then yesterday it hit me....I can go hang with these kids, help them pick out clothes and just be there....this is something simple that I can do, just because...God has given me the tools.

It also so happens that this weekend on facebook I did a quiz....what biblical gift did God give you?, or something like that and I got prophet...that made me think about this "gifts" quiz I did at church, prophet was my number two...teacher was my number one! That plus all my recent reading...has had me thinking...what am I wasting...my times, my gifts, my talents. God said that if we don't use the talents he's given us he'll take them away. It's not like I don't know what gifts I have...I've used them all at one point or another...I'm just too lazy and scared to use them now!

I know what I'm scared of! I know what I should be doing, I'm not stupid. I know! I know what He wants me to do, but I'm scared of the path...that ultimate trust of just holding out my hand in the darkness and letting Him lead me through. Here's a quick thought, when you're scared...your not happy. I want to be happy, I want to do what He wants me to do...God and I have been playing a game since I set up the rules, I'll do this, if you do that! You know what....I'm losing!