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  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality.