I know I've changed my blog layout a bunch of times in the last month and I'm sorry for that. I change my layout like I change my clothes sometimes.
At times I'm content to live in track pants or jersey shorts and a t-shirt, but every so often I want to get all girly and dress up. And this is exactly how I am with my blogs (I was like this with myspace too). So I have finally found a blog layout that I am happy with...shout out to Cutest Blog on the Block! This layout has pink in it, but i liked it so much that I decided I wasn't going to worry about it. I guess that's just one more step to being more girly!
Well, I think the photo-blog will stay black. that is unless I find something that sparks my interest. I may try the reverse pink and green, just to tie the two together and be all coordinated....we'll see...well
Until Next Time!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
One of My Prayers
In my list I included one that says I want a man who will see me. In order to understand that you really have to understand me...completely. No holds barred, no secrets, the really nitty gritty of me. Which is complex and venerable, strong and weak, confident and very very insecure. But you have to know me to see me. There are very many people I let see me, that real raw naked me. Because to put yourself out there in fear of rejection is something I choose not to do very much...and first I have to rebuild the broken heart before I put it out on display again.
I say all this because this is movie called AVATAR came out at the end of last year and in that movie. The Na'vi say I see you, and what they mean literally is that they see your heart and soul. The first time I saw the movie I thought two things....1) YES SOMEONE GET IT! 2) HEY HE STOLE ME THING! The truth is many people probably thought and felt the same. Intimacy isn't always about sex, it's mostly about being complete with someone else and how much more can you be complete with someone then by looking at them and truly seeing them, in return knowing that they see you too?
I say all this because this is movie called AVATAR came out at the end of last year and in that movie. The Na'vi say I see you, and what they mean literally is that they see your heart and soul. The first time I saw the movie I thought two things....1) YES SOMEONE GET IT! 2) HEY HE STOLE ME THING! The truth is many people probably thought and felt the same. Intimacy isn't always about sex, it's mostly about being complete with someone else and how much more can you be complete with someone then by looking at them and truly seeing them, in return knowing that they see you too?
I've always been an observer...in recent years I've observed lots of different things and people, always looking for what to do and what not to do. Well, from the relationships around me I feel like I've learn a great deal. The one thing I've come to realize that can/will overwhelmingly influence a relationship is the word partnership.
No not just the word, but the meaning and definition behind it. I've seen marriages built to last and marriages built to fail, but the one defining attribute to all the outlasting ones is that they have a true partnership. In recently watching marriages crumble and falter I've noticed that the partnerships in all were one sided. One person doing all the work to make the relationship work. One person going the extra mile while the other just complained or sat around doing nothing.
I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know that I always think I'm right about things, but like I said I'm an observer and I have mad skills! I like to look at the glass half full, but if I see a pattern I can pretty much call the outcome. If your relationship is not a true partnership before you get married, or if you think you're going to change them after you get married. Then I'm sorry to tell you this but you're wrong...
That's what I've seen, that's my experience in the matter. The partnership has to start before you even get to the "engaged' portion of the relationship. And sorry but just because you have been with someone a long time doesn't mean you have to marry them. Sometimes you have to see that person for who/what they really are and your relationship for what it really is. I'm a girl who's grown up with the dream of having a big ring and big wedding, but sometimes the rock is too blinding to see all the cracks in the relationship...
Let's start this way, if his mom is ever present, she's not going away after you get married. If he doesn't do anything now, he won't do anything then. And the big one, if you have to beg, threaten or give an ultimatum for him to propose then, it's not going to work out in the end.
We as people have to see ourselves for the true jewels we are and stop selling ourselves short for a small bit of instant satisfaction when there's a lifetime of true joy waiting for you around the corner (at least that's what I'm betting). I've seen people around me run head first into the brick wall called their relationship because they thought something would change...and in my opinion, they didn't value themselves enough.
Ultimately I'm sadden, maybe if we waited a little longer truly valuing the partnership that is marriage the we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate and single parent homes wouldn't be single parent homes.
But that's just my opinion!
No not just the word, but the meaning and definition behind it. I've seen marriages built to last and marriages built to fail, but the one defining attribute to all the outlasting ones is that they have a true partnership. In recently watching marriages crumble and falter I've noticed that the partnerships in all were one sided. One person doing all the work to make the relationship work. One person going the extra mile while the other just complained or sat around doing nothing.
I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know that I always think I'm right about things, but like I said I'm an observer and I have mad skills! I like to look at the glass half full, but if I see a pattern I can pretty much call the outcome. If your relationship is not a true partnership before you get married, or if you think you're going to change them after you get married. Then I'm sorry to tell you this but you're wrong...
That's what I've seen, that's my experience in the matter. The partnership has to start before you even get to the "engaged' portion of the relationship. And sorry but just because you have been with someone a long time doesn't mean you have to marry them. Sometimes you have to see that person for who/what they really are and your relationship for what it really is. I'm a girl who's grown up with the dream of having a big ring and big wedding, but sometimes the rock is too blinding to see all the cracks in the relationship...
Let's start this way, if his mom is ever present, she's not going away after you get married. If he doesn't do anything now, he won't do anything then. And the big one, if you have to beg, threaten or give an ultimatum for him to propose then, it's not going to work out in the end.
We as people have to see ourselves for the true jewels we are and stop selling ourselves short for a small bit of instant satisfaction when there's a lifetime of true joy waiting for you around the corner (at least that's what I'm betting). I've seen people around me run head first into the brick wall called their relationship because they thought something would change...and in my opinion, they didn't value themselves enough.
Ultimately I'm sadden, maybe if we waited a little longer truly valuing the partnership that is marriage the we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate and single parent homes wouldn't be single parent homes.
But that's just my opinion!
Never What You Expect
Sometimes, you do, say or write things and wait with bated breathe for a reaction. Most times (if you're waiting for a reaction) you think it's going to be a bad one. It has happened to me alot over the course of my life. As I sit down and give away my honest feelings I always feel like they will ultimately be rejected and that the recipient of the honesty will shut me down. Since I've started trying to live a truthful authentic life, I have to choosen to do those things...be truthful, be authentic...although I try not to hurt people, I do know that in order for me to grow I have to give my truth to the world.
In recent weeks I've had conversations and correspondence with various people in my life and what I've found is the opposite of what I expected. Giving the truth can hurt and as I've waited for responses from all I have tried to imagine what those responses might be. I've also tried to prepare myself to stand strong and faithful, knowing that I'm on the path God wants me to be on and that He is guiding me preparing me for my future.
I have been surprised and I'm grateful for the reactions, I'm humbled by the knowledge that when I took steps of faith I have been rewarded. I know for sure that God's hand is definitely in the decisions I've been making and that even though I've been scared, He hasn't once let me down.
In recent weeks I've had conversations and correspondence with various people in my life and what I've found is the opposite of what I expected. Giving the truth can hurt and as I've waited for responses from all I have tried to imagine what those responses might be. I've also tried to prepare myself to stand strong and faithful, knowing that I'm on the path God wants me to be on and that He is guiding me preparing me for my future.
I have been surprised and I'm grateful for the reactions, I'm humbled by the knowledge that when I took steps of faith I have been rewarded. I know for sure that God's hand is definitely in the decisions I've been making and that even though I've been scared, He hasn't once let me down.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Death at a Funeral
I went to a funeral today, the person giving the message talked about death. He said one thing that caught my attention. That we never want to talk about death because it's depressing. Whenever I attend a funeral I always find myself thinking about how we candy coat a funeral service with all the good things, but never really talk about the death. It made me think about talking/writing about it.
I'm not shy about talking about death, I actually think it would help make the whole experience better for those who remain if we speak about it open and honestly. I can understand not wanting to talk about it because it's depressing, but if we are open from the beginning and celebrate it for what we, as Christians, should see it as (moving on to be with God) then it would/could be viewed in a totally different context. Yes, it is sad and hard, but we talk so much about going to be with the father that we should celebrate it...but not everyone is going to end up at peace, and I guess that may be the real reason we don't want to talk about death!
After the service we (my family and I) went to eat, I asked my dad what he wanted for his services and he refused to talk about it saying, "Oh we don't talk about that stuff!" Well, no because we want to sugar coat everything. Why would we talk about something you may or may not want to think about?Later in the day I asked my mom the same thing, she responded with, "I never thought about it." Funny, because both of her children have thought about their funeral services...what we want and don't want.
As selfish as this might sound, your wedding and your funeral are really the only two days in your life that are all about you, and for me (since I'll probably never marry) my funeral will be my only chance to plan out a big event for myself. But I'm not going to spend this post talking about my perfect funeral, instead I'm going to talk about death.
Since I was young I've always had the feeling I would pass away in an accident when I was in my early 30s and if you're reading this in 2015 and I'm no longer alive, then I was right. It's not a big deal because I've had this feeling since I was 5 or 6 years old. I used to be scared, but now I understand that if God is taking me, He's taking me and there no point in being scared.
Death is hard, death isn't always what we'd expect, but for all of us it's coming. Sorry! This life isn't about chasing death, it's about living, about living your life for something special. For some, it's for God....for others it's to change the world and still for others its for themselves...but we all have something to live for. The biggest most selfish act (to me) is suicide, because you're ONLY thinking about you and your pain, you're not thinking about how you effect the world around you and how you are devastating the many to calm yourself. If you have children and do it, it's even more selfish, because you leave them with the thought that they weren't enough...when you never ever thought about them in the first place.
So here it is...death, it's moving on, its the next step in the journey of your existence and it happens...there's no putting if off, it's coming and there's really nothing to be done about it. So what would I say or do in the face of death...I don't know, but I do know this...the last person close to me to die was my Grandfather and when he got sick I knew he would die, so instead of being in denial or running away I did all I could to be around him, to see him, talk to him and tell him I loved him. I'm sure he knew that he was going, all those old friends he hadn't seen in years started to come around and visit. We all have our way of facing death, but I didn't want to have regrets, I wanted to be there and see him, know that we loved each other. I didn't want to look back and think I didn't do enough to make his last days good.
After all was said and done, my grandfather passed, but the peace I thought would come didn't. I worried because I didn't really know if he was at peace. I mean the minister preached that he was with God but I didn't know in my heart, how could I? So the worry and fear persisted. Then I had this dream that shook me (like only God can) and rested my worried mind.
I walked into a restaurant (it was the Brown Derby although I've never been there I knew that's where I was). As I walked through the place to my seat, I noticed this group of men in a bar booth, men I had never seen expect for one familiar face, my Grandfather's. I went to my seat with my friends took off my coat, put my purse down, then promptly excused myself to go say hi. The group of men was leaving as I got back to the bar but I stopped him and with a big smile said Hi, and tried to give him a hug. He smiled back like any polite person would, returned my hi but didn't let me hug him. It then dawned on me that he didn't know who I was. He didn't know and even after trying to explain it to him, he just stood there with that peaceful smile on his face. Looking at me like a loving Grandfather would, but not seeing me as his grandchild. As I struggled to explain myself further the tears began to fill my eyes and run over...one of the men (god they were big and all in trench coats and hats, like Humphrey in Casablanca) took his arm and started to lead him out. I stood there crying, not knowing what to do. Then another man came to me, smiled and said "You can let go now, we got him, he's okay and at peace. God's taking care of him". In my mind, these trench coat wearing buddies (bodyguards) were angels and in that moment I became completely free and peaceful, I also instantly woke up to tear soaked cheeks and pillows.
After that, I stopped worrying about death, I stopped worrying about what's going to happen because I realize that God is taking care of it. Does that mean, I feel like I'm invincible, nope...but that night I do feel like God spoke to me and clearly told me that death isn't the end.
Now some may say I'm crazy...that's fine, if you haven't figured that out by now then I'll call you slow. But for me, death isn't bad, it isn't scary or something to fear...it's just the next step, the next move to God. If we are living our lives to further God's kingdom, to spend our afterlife with him then why wouldn't we celebrate...I mean truly celebrate death coming? Why would we try our best to stay here on this imperfect rock when we can bask in the glow of God's light....now I'm not saying we need to give up on this place and call it quits, I'm just saying we have to see death for what it is...inevitable, unmovable and just around the coroner.
I'm not shy about talking about death, I actually think it would help make the whole experience better for those who remain if we speak about it open and honestly. I can understand not wanting to talk about it because it's depressing, but if we are open from the beginning and celebrate it for what we, as Christians, should see it as (moving on to be with God) then it would/could be viewed in a totally different context. Yes, it is sad and hard, but we talk so much about going to be with the father that we should celebrate it...but not everyone is going to end up at peace, and I guess that may be the real reason we don't want to talk about death!
After the service we (my family and I) went to eat, I asked my dad what he wanted for his services and he refused to talk about it saying, "Oh we don't talk about that stuff!" Well, no because we want to sugar coat everything. Why would we talk about something you may or may not want to think about?Later in the day I asked my mom the same thing, she responded with, "I never thought about it." Funny, because both of her children have thought about their funeral services...what we want and don't want.
As selfish as this might sound, your wedding and your funeral are really the only two days in your life that are all about you, and for me (since I'll probably never marry) my funeral will be my only chance to plan out a big event for myself. But I'm not going to spend this post talking about my perfect funeral, instead I'm going to talk about death.
Since I was young I've always had the feeling I would pass away in an accident when I was in my early 30s and if you're reading this in 2015 and I'm no longer alive, then I was right. It's not a big deal because I've had this feeling since I was 5 or 6 years old. I used to be scared, but now I understand that if God is taking me, He's taking me and there no point in being scared.
Death is hard, death isn't always what we'd expect, but for all of us it's coming. Sorry! This life isn't about chasing death, it's about living, about living your life for something special. For some, it's for God....for others it's to change the world and still for others its for themselves...but we all have something to live for. The biggest most selfish act (to me) is suicide, because you're ONLY thinking about you and your pain, you're not thinking about how you effect the world around you and how you are devastating the many to calm yourself. If you have children and do it, it's even more selfish, because you leave them with the thought that they weren't enough...when you never ever thought about them in the first place.
So here it is...death, it's moving on, its the next step in the journey of your existence and it happens...there's no putting if off, it's coming and there's really nothing to be done about it. So what would I say or do in the face of death...I don't know, but I do know this...the last person close to me to die was my Grandfather and when he got sick I knew he would die, so instead of being in denial or running away I did all I could to be around him, to see him, talk to him and tell him I loved him. I'm sure he knew that he was going, all those old friends he hadn't seen in years started to come around and visit. We all have our way of facing death, but I didn't want to have regrets, I wanted to be there and see him, know that we loved each other. I didn't want to look back and think I didn't do enough to make his last days good.
After all was said and done, my grandfather passed, but the peace I thought would come didn't. I worried because I didn't really know if he was at peace. I mean the minister preached that he was with God but I didn't know in my heart, how could I? So the worry and fear persisted. Then I had this dream that shook me (like only God can) and rested my worried mind.
I walked into a restaurant (it was the Brown Derby although I've never been there I knew that's where I was). As I walked through the place to my seat, I noticed this group of men in a bar booth, men I had never seen expect for one familiar face, my Grandfather's. I went to my seat with my friends took off my coat, put my purse down, then promptly excused myself to go say hi. The group of men was leaving as I got back to the bar but I stopped him and with a big smile said Hi, and tried to give him a hug. He smiled back like any polite person would, returned my hi but didn't let me hug him. It then dawned on me that he didn't know who I was. He didn't know and even after trying to explain it to him, he just stood there with that peaceful smile on his face. Looking at me like a loving Grandfather would, but not seeing me as his grandchild. As I struggled to explain myself further the tears began to fill my eyes and run over...one of the men (god they were big and all in trench coats and hats, like Humphrey in Casablanca) took his arm and started to lead him out. I stood there crying, not knowing what to do. Then another man came to me, smiled and said "You can let go now, we got him, he's okay and at peace. God's taking care of him". In my mind, these trench coat wearing buddies (bodyguards) were angels and in that moment I became completely free and peaceful, I also instantly woke up to tear soaked cheeks and pillows.
After that, I stopped worrying about death, I stopped worrying about what's going to happen because I realize that God is taking care of it. Does that mean, I feel like I'm invincible, nope...but that night I do feel like God spoke to me and clearly told me that death isn't the end.
Now some may say I'm crazy...that's fine, if you haven't figured that out by now then I'll call you slow. But for me, death isn't bad, it isn't scary or something to fear...it's just the next step, the next move to God. If we are living our lives to further God's kingdom, to spend our afterlife with him then why wouldn't we celebrate...I mean truly celebrate death coming? Why would we try our best to stay here on this imperfect rock when we can bask in the glow of God's light....now I'm not saying we need to give up on this place and call it quits, I'm just saying we have to see death for what it is...inevitable, unmovable and just around the coroner.
Friday, April 09, 2010
In my Journal...
are pages of half written thoughts, unfinished rants, and lines that don't make any sense. I never seem to finish, them because I get side tracked by life other some more inspiring thing runs across my mind.
Well, today I'm going to take the time to finish them and see where I end up. Not all will be master pieces, not all will be featured here, but some will and those I open will give us all something to think about.
so until next time, I'll be off finishing my thoughts!
Well, today I'm going to take the time to finish them and see where I end up. Not all will be master pieces, not all will be featured here, but some will and those I open will give us all something to think about.
so until next time, I'll be off finishing my thoughts!
Monday, April 05, 2010
Invictus
Out of the light that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
By William Ernest Henley
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
By William Ernest Henley
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Jealous, just a little...
So, I have well documented the struggle I have with not being married or having kids, but I decided to no longer allow myself to be jealous or hateful toward people who are in the place of having a child or getting married.
Since I made that effort I have had my moments but I have done my best to move past them to be happy for the people who are celebrating. I've been to weddings and baby showers and lived through engagement announcements. I've been able to walk through them all with a grace that God gave me, because in my heart I hope that my day will come. I've haven't gone into a situation totally jealous of someone else's happiness because there was no reason to. But today (on Easter and when I'm wasn't expecting it) I found myself slightly jealous of my friend while she was discussing her upcoming wedding.
Now, I don't know if I was truly jealous of her wedding or if I was just jealous because she truly has that shining happiness that I'm longing for. You can look at her and see her happiness and you can look and him and see the same thing. Its contagious to watch but at the same time a little heart wrenching for me. Because I know that in my heart that it not the wedding its the happiness that I'm looking and longing for.
Looking back on it I'm not sure if I'm jealous or just anxious about the happiness that awaits me...at least I hope its waiting for me.
Since I made that effort I have had my moments but I have done my best to move past them to be happy for the people who are celebrating. I've been to weddings and baby showers and lived through engagement announcements. I've been able to walk through them all with a grace that God gave me, because in my heart I hope that my day will come. I've haven't gone into a situation totally jealous of someone else's happiness because there was no reason to. But today (on Easter and when I'm wasn't expecting it) I found myself slightly jealous of my friend while she was discussing her upcoming wedding.
Now, I don't know if I was truly jealous of her wedding or if I was just jealous because she truly has that shining happiness that I'm longing for. You can look at her and see her happiness and you can look and him and see the same thing. Its contagious to watch but at the same time a little heart wrenching for me. Because I know that in my heart that it not the wedding its the happiness that I'm looking and longing for.
Looking back on it I'm not sure if I'm jealous or just anxious about the happiness that awaits me...at least I hope its waiting for me.
An Open Letter to my Mom
I know you look at me and try to figure out where you went wrong. You search for the answers of why I am the way I am and how it all came to be.
I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life. As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.
I'm Sorry and I Love You,
Melanie
I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life. As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.
I'm Sorry and I Love You,
Melanie
I Opened My Eyes to a World of Bad
There are moments in life when you look around you and see the truth you've (probably) been hiding from yourself for a long time. For me this has been happening more and more over the passed year. Since American went off and decided to get all great and hire the first Black President it seems like the world is going to hell. Well, at least that's what I see now.
I guess that because I've hidden my face away from the news of the world for so long I just live in this bubble that doesn't let the negative in. Which is fine by me, because really all there seems to be is the negative. Over the past year, the climate in this country has gone from bad to worse. Really, we've been overtaken by this group of people called the Tea Party (I'll talk about them in another post). Who, the more I learn about them, just seem to be the bottom barrel of hate filled imbreds ever! Recently, the Catholic church has found itself in the grips of another scandal...but its the same as before. This sexual abuse outcry has taken two forms, 1. people from different countries are beginning to speak out about being abused and 2. the pope (who was a Nazi) has been directly charged with doing nothing, actually covering up a serious series of abuse. He swept under the rug a priest who had abused more than 200 deaf boys he was charged with caring for.
I'm disgusted, angry and my heart breaks more and more everyday! There seems like no end in sight! Earlier this week a series of suicide bombers attacked Russia. Now, honestly I can say I don't know what the attacks were about or why they happened, but it's just another tragedy in an already tragic world.
"LET THE THINGS THAT BREAK GOD'S HEART ALSO BREAK MINE"
I always thought about poverty, disease and war when I thought of that quote (which I paraphrased) but now I see that it's not just those things. I've opened my eyes to a world of madness and turmoil, with no end in sight. Everyday is more and more bleak, so much so that even some so called Christians have taken up a mantle of hate, yet dare to call themselves followers of Christ. Honestly, I've come to the end of what I feel is just the beginning of this revelation. I'm allowing myself to see and take in the true honesty of the world I walk in. Taking in all the things that my brain and heart reject, because if I'm going live in this world, if I'm going to pray and hope and love in this world, I should really know what this world is all about.
Shouldn't I?
I guess that because I've hidden my face away from the news of the world for so long I just live in this bubble that doesn't let the negative in. Which is fine by me, because really all there seems to be is the negative. Over the past year, the climate in this country has gone from bad to worse. Really, we've been overtaken by this group of people called the Tea Party (I'll talk about them in another post). Who, the more I learn about them, just seem to be the bottom barrel of hate filled imbreds ever! Recently, the Catholic church has found itself in the grips of another scandal...but its the same as before. This sexual abuse outcry has taken two forms, 1. people from different countries are beginning to speak out about being abused and 2. the pope (who was a Nazi) has been directly charged with doing nothing, actually covering up a serious series of abuse. He swept under the rug a priest who had abused more than 200 deaf boys he was charged with caring for.
I'm disgusted, angry and my heart breaks more and more everyday! There seems like no end in sight! Earlier this week a series of suicide bombers attacked Russia. Now, honestly I can say I don't know what the attacks were about or why they happened, but it's just another tragedy in an already tragic world.
"LET THE THINGS THAT BREAK GOD'S HEART ALSO BREAK MINE"
I always thought about poverty, disease and war when I thought of that quote (which I paraphrased) but now I see that it's not just those things. I've opened my eyes to a world of madness and turmoil, with no end in sight. Everyday is more and more bleak, so much so that even some so called Christians have taken up a mantle of hate, yet dare to call themselves followers of Christ. Honestly, I've come to the end of what I feel is just the beginning of this revelation. I'm allowing myself to see and take in the true honesty of the world I walk in. Taking in all the things that my brain and heart reject, because if I'm going live in this world, if I'm going to pray and hope and love in this world, I should really know what this world is all about.
Shouldn't I?
Friendship
As you grow it is inevitable that some friendships will grow distant. Some will completely fall away and still some will continue on a understanding that your love for one another, will always be there in good times and through bad, but you don't have to talk daily, weekly or even monthly.
I am discovering that I have varying relationships on all these themes. There are very few people I know who will always be there for me to lean on. In fact, these people I can name easily. There are some who I've grown away from naturally as I sought my own road and self. But there are some that I've walked away from, because they'd become stagnant or broken.
My journey in this life, has found me lucky and allowed me to walk along and learn from many people from all walks of life. In that time, I soaked up vitally important knowledge, but ultimately most come to an end. I move on to something different traveling to something else I need to learn.
The few people I am continually connected to are those I truly believe God placed in my life for both our goods. These are the people I can openly speak to, who allow me to grow and give me space. These are the people I can say anything to without fear. As I recently searched myself for a clearer understanding of what I want in this life, I realized who I needed to be in healthy satisfying relationships with. I learned that some people I hold on to are not in the same place as I am, and right now, I need people to truly understand the place I am in, whether they've been there before or not. That my sound selfish, and maybe it is...but this is where I am in this life.
I've found that I give much and get little, emotionally....my heart is big and easily broken. Sometimes I need a friend who will know it's about me, not always and even alot...but sometimes, I need it to be about me. I guess that's another reason why I am in love with those people around me that I can rely on, because they know that its about me sometimes and they don't begrudge me that right.
And because I'm not afraid to cry in front of them.
I am discovering that I have varying relationships on all these themes. There are very few people I know who will always be there for me to lean on. In fact, these people I can name easily. There are some who I've grown away from naturally as I sought my own road and self. But there are some that I've walked away from, because they'd become stagnant or broken.
My journey in this life, has found me lucky and allowed me to walk along and learn from many people from all walks of life. In that time, I soaked up vitally important knowledge, but ultimately most come to an end. I move on to something different traveling to something else I need to learn.
The few people I am continually connected to are those I truly believe God placed in my life for both our goods. These are the people I can openly speak to, who allow me to grow and give me space. These are the people I can say anything to without fear. As I recently searched myself for a clearer understanding of what I want in this life, I realized who I needed to be in healthy satisfying relationships with. I learned that some people I hold on to are not in the same place as I am, and right now, I need people to truly understand the place I am in, whether they've been there before or not. That my sound selfish, and maybe it is...but this is where I am in this life.
I've found that I give much and get little, emotionally....my heart is big and easily broken. Sometimes I need a friend who will know it's about me, not always and even alot...but sometimes, I need it to be about me. I guess that's another reason why I am in love with those people around me that I can rely on, because they know that its about me sometimes and they don't begrudge me that right.
And because I'm not afraid to cry in front of them.
The Tea Party
I try to put myself in other people's shoes, to see how they see and at least try to really understand where they are coming from before I dismiss them as crazy. So when I heard about this group of people calling themselves the Tea Party I decided not to judge, but instead to learn about them and what they believe. I didn't want to dismiss them as crazies because I first believed they were only picking on the President because he was black. But come on, in this world...the first black president, they couldn't possibly just be after him because he's black...could they?
Well, over a year later...I've been rudely awakened and shaken awake from the dream that this world (or should I say this country) would give this black man a chance. It turns out that my gut reaction was the truth, these people...these so called Tea Partiers that are out to take back the country are really only trying to take the country back from Minorities and Homosexuals. I discovered all this in the light of the passing of the health care reform bill. The reaction this group (of mostly white people) had was WAY over the top. They reduced themselves to name calling, hate-filled ranting and spitting (yes, spitting) on and at black and a gay congressmen. They've also begun to terrorize democratic representatives and senators, throwing bricks through both their home and office windows. Is it just me or has this whole thing thrown us back into the 1950's? I'm expecting someone to pull out the water hoses and let the dogs loose.
I don't find it strange that this is happening it's happened before, but I do find it painful to watch. That these people are so angry they aren't in charge they are willing to act like preschool children to make their point. The Republican party, who these people represent, are just a bunch of selfish, hateful racists, (Yes, I know that the head of the party is black, I also know that they hired him to look progressive and that they've wanted his head since he started the job). Wait, I know lots of Republicans, as a Christian I can't help but know lots of them. I don't consider any of them racists, but if they are sitting back and letting racists run their party, then I can call it that way.
For me, maybe the worse part of the whole thing is that they are no longer trying to even hide the fact that they hate blacks and our black President. They are actively fighting against anything President Obama does because he's black and because he's a democrat. They are actively doing and saying hateful things because they lost the "White" House. They are acting out because this is what they've been allowed to do since the turn of the century...basically, they are having a big ol' tantrum.
A Friend of mine asked me what the women of this group are doing in it? I told her that I didn't think they had really thought it out fully, this group is a bunch of boys wanting to take their country back. They want it to go back to the way it was when they had all the power. Basically going back to women in the kitchen, Homosexuals in the closet and Niggars in the fields! That's what they want in a nutshell. The country back run by right-wing white men, anything less isn't good enough!
Frankly, this whole group of mad people scare me, so do their leaders. One of whom seems to be Sarah Palin, who even in the election encouraged her followers to act and say racist things and since the election has done nothing but run her mouth into more and more stupid circles. I'm afraid for this country and to even think of the pains this causes...I'm afraid it'll spill over into the streets and into the general public. And I'm afraid of the imagine this is projecting to the world at large. We are a family infighting, but displaying it to everyone in the neighborhood...how embarrassing.
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