Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Suprising Confidence
Has anyone ever surprised you with confidence in your ability and in you as a person. No? Funny it happens to me all the time. Maybe because I'm often unsure of myself and what I want or maybe because I really don't think that highly of myself and always fear that others don't either.
Today I was given an unexpected surprise when someone told me what they saw (and frankly, expected in my future). I never actually thought about or considered it before, but he sees that for me. It was one of those moments, when I felt kind of out of my body, I wanted to look around and make sure he was actually talking to me. But I didn't, I took what he said and placed in my heart and in the back of my mind.
He's giving me advice for my future but also challenging me to something more. It's funny, because now that I look at it, maybe this was/is just another part of God's plan. He knows me and knows that in this area I would need a push and although I do think that he has given me small hints of what path he wants me to walk at work, I don't think that I ever really thought it out.
Well, I know I haven't thought it out, because I've been trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to do next, there's so many opportunities that I didn't know where to put my head and now I think I have a direction. Hopefully God will continue to expand on that.
Well I'm gonna wrap this up, but to all of you who read this and have supported me in anyway, thank you. It really means so very much to me.
Tingles
The smile, the laugh, the eyes bring the tingles and I'm lost in thought of you.
What are you thinking, how would I know but I can't help wonder if your thinking about me too.
Moments are shared in the quiet of a room and I'm paralyzed at the thought of being near you, I'm excited and scared but I don't dare leave your presence.
When you're here I hope at the thought of your smile, when your gone I imagine your voice whispering in my ear.
I dream of your touch and wish it would come soon. I try not to stare for fear that I wouldn't be able to look away.
Your voice alone gives me tingles all day. I can't stand the torment, but every time I decided to give up my crush, you turn around and change my mind.
I can't wait for another day to share a laugh, to wish it was a hug or that you'd hold my hand. I'm holding out hope that the day will come, when we share the tingles together as one.
What are you thinking, how would I know but I can't help wonder if your thinking about me too.
Moments are shared in the quiet of a room and I'm paralyzed at the thought of being near you, I'm excited and scared but I don't dare leave your presence.
When you're here I hope at the thought of your smile, when your gone I imagine your voice whispering in my ear.
I dream of your touch and wish it would come soon. I try not to stare for fear that I wouldn't be able to look away.
Your voice alone gives me tingles all day. I can't stand the torment, but every time I decided to give up my crush, you turn around and change my mind.
I can't wait for another day to share a laugh, to wish it was a hug or that you'd hold my hand. I'm holding out hope that the day will come, when we share the tingles together as one.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I don't know if this has ever happened to you
You can't figure out the words to use to tell someone that you don't understand them, that after all your years of friendship and devotion that person hurt you and doesn't seem to care. And that after you stepped away from the relationship and tried to mend your wounds they found away to turn the situation around on you and tell others that you hurt them.
I've been having this problem I actually still do, but I'm trying to find a way to voice my true feelings without hurting others, which I guess is what God wants from me. The truth is I'm not really interested in rekindling a friendship with this person. I just want them to understand why I walked away. More important I want them to acknowledge what they did.
Dude, I'm changin'
I'm pretty straight forward...not really but for those of you who know me well. I am, I love the people I've allowed around me and I'm furiously dependent and protective of them all. What most wouldn't know is that I'm a crazed tomboy, I love wearing jeans and shorts with t-shirts and I would walk around barefoot everywhere, if I could. I don't wear make very often and the thought of constantly looking in the mirror pains me. So I look foolish sometimes, I don't really care.
But over the past few years, I started to think maybe there is more to being a girl, maybe I should start acting, dressing and being more girly. I don't know my outlook on things have changed. I don't know exactly how or why but I'm ready for something different. I know I told people and myself last year that I was ready for a make over, something drastic and crazy. I was truly but got scared. I don't know what I'll do this summer or the rest of this year, but I hope it's walking in the direction I want to go in.
But over the past few years, I started to think maybe there is more to being a girl, maybe I should start acting, dressing and being more girly. I don't know my outlook on things have changed. I don't know exactly how or why but I'm ready for something different. I know I told people and myself last year that I was ready for a make over, something drastic and crazy. I was truly but got scared. I don't know what I'll do this summer or the rest of this year, but I hope it's walking in the direction I want to go in.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
My Melody...for tonight
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
You are the only one I need,
I bow all of me at your feet,
I worship you alone
You have given me more than,
I could ever have wanted and I want,
to give you my heart and my soul.
You alone are Father, and
You alone are good, and
You alone are savior, and
You alone are God
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
I surrender all, I surrender all
all to Thee my precious Savior
I surrender all
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory
You are the only one I need,
I bow all of me at your feet,
I worship you alone
You have given me more than,
I could ever have wanted and I want,
to give you my heart and my soul.
You alone are Father, and
You alone are good, and
You alone are savior, and
You alone are God
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
I surrender all, I surrender all
all to Thee my precious Savior
I surrender all
Something I wasn't expecting....background
Awhile back, I started to confide my feelings to my friend Holly Beth (Beth is not her real name but I call her that), I told her of my troubles and feelings that I was having over certain things in my life. I didn't share these feelings with anyone other than Holly Beth cause I felt and feel like I can trust her to listen and share an honest unbiased opinion with me. Something that's true that is encouraging but also challenging.
In October and November I was in a place where everything in my life felt stagnant. I understood and understand that it all came from my work environment, but that situation made me look around and see what else I was holding on to out of habit. I have been attending Marina Christian Fellowship for Nine years. It's home, very familiar and very safe. I love it, the people, the pastor, it's family. But I've never been as challenged or moved as I was when I was attending "The Bridge" in Ventura. The times I got up there where few and far between but it felt like I had found something that suited me. It maybe that at Marina I was surrounded by Adults and Kids, and at the Bridge I found people my age worshipping and praising God like I had never seen before. It lit a fire in me and I have been looking for a way to rekindle that ever since.
The bridge is no more and I have changed alot since I was an 18 year old going to church and singing with the worship team. I am older and though I don't know exactly what I want I do know that there is a part of me that NEEDS to be filled.
I know some people are going to read this and think that I am bad mouthing Marina. I'm not, in truth I can't see my life without Marina in it, I just think that sometimes I need to add a little spice, now to some that may seem like a cop out but to me it's the truth (and this is my blog so I don't care what you say).
I was seriously thinking about finding a new job and a new church back in November, but I happened to go on this Job interview and I got the job, which happen to require that I work Sundays. It's funny, because other people were more concerned about my "spiritual walk" than I was, I had been praying for God's will and felt like he was leading me exactly to the middle of it. I was out of church for about 8 weeks. I came back and sang, didn't sit out or sneak in the back, I was up there singing. It was fine, I needed it for myself. But I also realize that I need to be fed.
It just so happens that there was a plan in the works for my pastor to take over another church in Pasadena. I didn't know anything about it, but last week, he spoke there and we went for moral support. And something unexpected happened.
In October and November I was in a place where everything in my life felt stagnant. I understood and understand that it all came from my work environment, but that situation made me look around and see what else I was holding on to out of habit. I have been attending Marina Christian Fellowship for Nine years. It's home, very familiar and very safe. I love it, the people, the pastor, it's family. But I've never been as challenged or moved as I was when I was attending "The Bridge" in Ventura. The times I got up there where few and far between but it felt like I had found something that suited me. It maybe that at Marina I was surrounded by Adults and Kids, and at the Bridge I found people my age worshipping and praising God like I had never seen before. It lit a fire in me and I have been looking for a way to rekindle that ever since.
The bridge is no more and I have changed alot since I was an 18 year old going to church and singing with the worship team. I am older and though I don't know exactly what I want I do know that there is a part of me that NEEDS to be filled.
I know some people are going to read this and think that I am bad mouthing Marina. I'm not, in truth I can't see my life without Marina in it, I just think that sometimes I need to add a little spice, now to some that may seem like a cop out but to me it's the truth (and this is my blog so I don't care what you say).
I was seriously thinking about finding a new job and a new church back in November, but I happened to go on this Job interview and I got the job, which happen to require that I work Sundays. It's funny, because other people were more concerned about my "spiritual walk" than I was, I had been praying for God's will and felt like he was leading me exactly to the middle of it. I was out of church for about 8 weeks. I came back and sang, didn't sit out or sneak in the back, I was up there singing. It was fine, I needed it for myself. But I also realize that I need to be fed.
It just so happens that there was a plan in the works for my pastor to take over another church in Pasadena. I didn't know anything about it, but last week, he spoke there and we went for moral support. And something unexpected happened.
Something I wasn't expecting...Corridors
The name of the church is Corridors, it's primary facility is a coffee shop. It's an actual church but during Sunday daytime hours the sanctuary is rented out to two separate churches. There is a small coffee shop built into the back of the church building where Corridors holds it's Sunday night services.
We came in an hour late last week, but as soon as I sat down and looked around I felt this incredible feeling, it was familiar, it was comfortable, it was something that I needed. I sat there and listened to Kevin and felt this warm sense, like God was telling me this is what he'd been waiting to show me. It felt kind of like an excited kid showing you his new toy, only he wanted me to play with it. The feeling got stronger as I drove away that night. The feeling, the connection was instant. Crazy as it sounds I felt like I was in the center of his will and that a curtain I couldn't get past was opened and I was allowed to walk in and see this beautiful thing.
That may sound crazy, but my brain works in pictures and that's the best I can do. I can't compare it to the Bridge, well I could but I won't. The Bridge was unique, it was an experience and I will always remember what I learned and who I met (Jun and Randy...which led to the Aldersons) can never be duplicated. But I feel a connection here at this place.
I spoke to Kevin (who by the way is my pastor) and asked him about the history and how he came to be involved in this new venture, he told me and as I was talking to him I wanted to say I'll do whatever you want, I'll help, I'll sing, I'll dance, I'll help out until you hire a staff, but I didn't. I think that even though I want to do all those things I also want to sit back and take it all in. I don't want to come in and take over, there are people there who have been there who are deserving of respect and I don't want to come in and be apart of the Marina show. So I have resolved to sit in my seat and let God do whatever he needs to to get me ready for the next step.
I just came from my second Sunday at Corridors and decided to write this because I want everyone to know why I'm praising God tonight. I actually got to hear worship and it was everything I wanted and needed. Guitars, percussion and a horn (several), but it wasn't loud or over done....organic, passionate, present. If I could play the guitar, all my worship would be a voice and the guitar, nothing more, nothing less. I want the essential to be the words not the drum loop. It's taken me a long time to understand that and although all worship is wonderful and pleasing to God I would prefer to hear a voice and a guitar.
As I was getting ready to leave Marissa from Marina came up and told me that she was disappointed that I wasn't singing tonight, Steven, who plays guitar said yeah and I promptly explained to them that I wasn't ready for that, that I need to sit back and just be fed for a while. I did tell him that I would let him know when I was ready, but not to expect it too soon. He understands because he's been through that and Paul said he went through the same thing when he first came to LA. I don't want to get in there and get into the same routine. I'm ready for bigger challenges then I have been before and I know that God has to work in me before I can take them on.
So that's it, I'm praising God tonight, because he's gotten me to this place and although I don't know exactly what's coming next, I do feel confident that he is preparing me. I'm confident because I know that He wouldn't show me this, that I've be secretly longing for if He wasn't preparing me for it. My walk has just begun and I'm happy that I can say that in Confidence.
We came in an hour late last week, but as soon as I sat down and looked around I felt this incredible feeling, it was familiar, it was comfortable, it was something that I needed. I sat there and listened to Kevin and felt this warm sense, like God was telling me this is what he'd been waiting to show me. It felt kind of like an excited kid showing you his new toy, only he wanted me to play with it. The feeling got stronger as I drove away that night. The feeling, the connection was instant. Crazy as it sounds I felt like I was in the center of his will and that a curtain I couldn't get past was opened and I was allowed to walk in and see this beautiful thing.
That may sound crazy, but my brain works in pictures and that's the best I can do. I can't compare it to the Bridge, well I could but I won't. The Bridge was unique, it was an experience and I will always remember what I learned and who I met (Jun and Randy...which led to the Aldersons) can never be duplicated. But I feel a connection here at this place.
I spoke to Kevin (who by the way is my pastor) and asked him about the history and how he came to be involved in this new venture, he told me and as I was talking to him I wanted to say I'll do whatever you want, I'll help, I'll sing, I'll dance, I'll help out until you hire a staff, but I didn't. I think that even though I want to do all those things I also want to sit back and take it all in. I don't want to come in and take over, there are people there who have been there who are deserving of respect and I don't want to come in and be apart of the Marina show. So I have resolved to sit in my seat and let God do whatever he needs to to get me ready for the next step.
I just came from my second Sunday at Corridors and decided to write this because I want everyone to know why I'm praising God tonight. I actually got to hear worship and it was everything I wanted and needed. Guitars, percussion and a horn (several), but it wasn't loud or over done....organic, passionate, present. If I could play the guitar, all my worship would be a voice and the guitar, nothing more, nothing less. I want the essential to be the words not the drum loop. It's taken me a long time to understand that and although all worship is wonderful and pleasing to God I would prefer to hear a voice and a guitar.
As I was getting ready to leave Marissa from Marina came up and told me that she was disappointed that I wasn't singing tonight, Steven, who plays guitar said yeah and I promptly explained to them that I wasn't ready for that, that I need to sit back and just be fed for a while. I did tell him that I would let him know when I was ready, but not to expect it too soon. He understands because he's been through that and Paul said he went through the same thing when he first came to LA. I don't want to get in there and get into the same routine. I'm ready for bigger challenges then I have been before and I know that God has to work in me before I can take them on.
So that's it, I'm praising God tonight, because he's gotten me to this place and although I don't know exactly what's coming next, I do feel confident that he is preparing me. I'm confident because I know that He wouldn't show me this, that I've be secretly longing for if He wasn't preparing me for it. My walk has just begun and I'm happy that I can say that in Confidence.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Cupcakes and Muffins
So, I love to bake...I like the measuring and mixing and all that stuff. And I love the smell of fresh goodies coming out of the oven.
I don't bake from scratch but that's because I don't have to tools, I use box mixes and I have yet to have a complaint.
As I was walking through the backstage area at work tonight, I started thinking there are cupcakes and muffins, but what's the difference?
So, that's my question for the day, what is the difference between muffins and cupcakes? I tried to think about it. I use to think that cupcakes were more about chocolate, lemon, angelfood and icing and muffins were about blueberries, banana nut, bran and poppyseed. But now I'm not so sure...
I mean there are chocolate muffins aren't there? I can't really be sure about the different classification, so I'm asking you. What do you think is the difference between the two?
I don't bake from scratch but that's because I don't have to tools, I use box mixes and I have yet to have a complaint.
As I was walking through the backstage area at work tonight, I started thinking there are cupcakes and muffins, but what's the difference?
So, that's my question for the day, what is the difference between muffins and cupcakes? I tried to think about it. I use to think that cupcakes were more about chocolate, lemon, angelfood and icing and muffins were about blueberries, banana nut, bran and poppyseed. But now I'm not so sure...
I mean there are chocolate muffins aren't there? I can't really be sure about the different classification, so I'm asking you. What do you think is the difference between the two?
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