In Love with the Idea

Photography
I've always wanted to be a photographer. Since I was little, I've known I wanted to capture interesting pictures for other people to see. Of course, as a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I told people the usual doctor, lawyer, teacher. Those are the standards aren't they? But I never felt smart enough to be a doctor and I was never really interested in being a lawyer. Of course, there are days when I'd love to be a teacher, but that requires school which I frankly don't really want to deal with. Photography however, still burns somewhere within me. When I see great photographs, whether they be editorial or fashion, I get the pang of a missing life element in my body. I never shared my desire to be a photographer (despite having a blog in which I share very personal feelings I am actually very shy and hold things very close to my heart not revealing them to anyone, even those closest to me), so no one ever knew how much I wanted to explore the world from behind a lens.
   I remember sitting in a cafe watching a photographer and a model as they took some shots by the window. I thought "that's what I should be doing, but it's to late". I was 20, stuck in the workforce with no where to go but back to work. Hopeless, tired and sad. In some ways I still feel that way, but then I wonder whats really holding me back?
   About 5 years ago I bought a Canon AE-1 film camera. I wanted to take some photography classes but getting into the local community college to even try to register was a hassle (it required taking a placement test and meeting with a school guidance counselor), needless to say I didn't take any classes, but I did start to snap. I learned, by trail and error, to use my camera and enjoyed it very much. Still it never became the passion I thought it would. I never got the longing or need to have my camera with me all the time. I never set out on a day of film and sun. I never set out to do the work. I can blame that on many things but laziness is at the top...followed closely by fear.
    I had grand ideas and aspirations. I thought I'd be out exploring on weekends, trying this and that...start with Scenery and landscapes...then move to buildings, the ocean and people. That didn't happen. It wasn't the lack of passion, but the lack of drive. I know I'm the only one who's suffering because of it. I don't look at my camera and think let's go...I look at it and think, what if?
   I want to change that, I want to actually get my butt and my camera in gear. I say that and dream that, but don't do it. There's a sequence in the movie "The Women" (the remake) in which Meg Ryan's character goes off to find what she wants in life...she (dramatically) pulls out her camera out and with it begins to walk around New York taking pictures  of what inspires her she and start posting them (along with her sketches) on to a mood board. She goes all over NEW York snapping and adding the photos to her collection. Eventually she finds what she wants...I think of doing that myself. Of discovering who I am through the lens of my camera, but I'm wondering, Is it the idea of photography what I love so much or is it the actual process? I don't know and I'll never know...not unless I get off my butt and do something about it. Until I stop looking at my camera with what ifs and start looking at it with let's go explore.
   Now, I just have to get my camera back (that's another story)

   Until Next Time
   ~m