Time to Sit Back and Relax

 This morning while driving to work (yes driving, I'm in the midst of an awkward two weeks of house-sitting). I switched the radio to the country station and heard a song that I hadn't heard in a very long time. Really, haven't listened to much radio nor I have listened to any country music since I moved. I realized in that moment that I miss it. There's something about country music for me. There's an all encompassing, engulfing feeling that comes over me when I'm listening to good country music. It feels like it's just me and the music in a bubble and the world disappears. It's like I'm living (or seeing) the story the song is telling and there's always a story in country music. As the song continued to play feeling of that bubble quickly faded (only because I had to concentrate to get on the freeway). Still, hours later, I feel a trace of that country bubble...and it's got me thinking.
  One of the quirky things about me is that I'm not typical. To most people I'm slightly off-center. The black girl who doesn't listen to rap but loves country music and would rather live in a suburb than the city. That's me...with a bunch of other slightly off things to go with those two...but some how I'm starting to lose it.
  In my move to Ventura I started a quest to find myself...it's been quite a trip. Filled with long train rides and short weekends. Frustration over not having enough money and having a needy co-dependant set of roommates. The last few months have been a challenge and although I was prepared for a challenge, my way of dealing with it was trying to find something better than I already am. Trying to change myself to fit into a mold I was also trying to create. Don't get me wrong, I do think that I should improve myself and start to change the things I don't like about myself...but in the process of trying to do those things I've derailed from the things that make me me. I've shut myself off and it's time to turn myself back on. I can blame this on several things, but there's no point. So I'll say this, it's time for me to take a break from over analyzing the world and people around me and especially myself. It's time to relax sit back and get back to the Melanie I was before. The content and happy person who listened to music, wrote and dreamt of what life in Ventura would be like.
   I'm in Ventura and I'm not living the life I want. I'm still holding back ,maybe that's my nature, but I dreamt for too long to give up now that I'm here. I need to stop trying to fix things and just allow life to happen...and I need to find me again. Then, once I find me I need to center myself and adjust to life in a way that will help me to grow more into myself and not away from myself.