Thursday, August 22, 2013

Never Thought of that Before...



   I was reading the Fat Mum Slim blog this morning and came across her post about what's in her camera bag. Which linked two different photographers. I went on and browsed both of their blogs and found something interesting. One of the photographers, in her search for motivation to get back in using film again, went to a photography seminar...a what? I've always thought about taking a class or two, but a seminar? I never actually knew they existed. Her post sparked my curiosity so I went to the site of the workshop she attended, just to see how much it would cost and if there was one in my area. There is one in LA...but unfortunately it is WAAAYYYYY out of my price range. Although you're learning from a great photographer (by the blogger's account) and you are provided with 2 meals a day, a professional booklet and CD of your photos and many other "perks" it's still a load of money I do not have to spare. Even though that particular workshop is not something I can look forward to, I'm sure there are others that I may be able to attend and learn at.

   I'll keep looking and hopefully I'll find some a little more in my price range soon. I'm getting excited about it all again and I'd really like to learn some things in a hands on way from someone who does it professionally and knows what they are talking about! Wish me luck

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

  
    Also, in my hunt for photography workshops I continued my search for a better camera bag...and I've struck gold! It's not a bag, but it is a how to on how to make inserts for a bag. That way I can use a bag I already have or one that I buy and then I can make an insert to fit in with as many compartments as I need. Awesomeness

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

but it's August!



   Call me crazy, but I feel the need to declare some New Year resolutions...I know it's August, but seeing as my birthday is in a few days, it's a New Year for me. So I'm going to buck convention and make some...here we go.

  1. Take more pictures
  2. Do the things I commit to (stop flaking)
  3. Be on Time (or early for some things)
  4. Stick to a budget
  5. Cook
  6. Let go of things that are not working
  7. Invest in my relationships
  8. Stop over thinking everything
  9. Start seeing the world with the glass half full
  10. Spend time with God
  11. Start doing yoga again
   These are in no means in any specific order...they are just listed the way my fingers typed them out. I'm sure the list will grow, but for now these are the things I'm feeling I need to put into practice the most. The things I need to invest in. So we will see how this all shakes out!

   Until Next Time!
   ~m

  

Monday, August 19, 2013



   August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Friday, August 16, 2013

Bright Ligther Look




So I decided to change the look of my blog.
I've wanted to do it for a while, but couldn't pick anything.
I decided to just pick the one I really like, no matter if it was my "style" or not.
This is what I landed on...and I like it!
Hopefully you will too...

I wanted the change because the blog was too dark,
it represented me when I first changed it to the black, pink and green a few years back
when I was trying to be sort of emo
but I'm in a different place and I want to be lighter and freer...so I picked this.

I feel good about it, like it's the start of good things to come!

Until Next Time!

~m

Wednesday, August 14, 2013



  I'm going to read through some of my blog.
  It's going to be hard, but it's something I've been meaning to do for a while.
  I am writing this blog not only to get out my thoughts on life, but also as a journal.
  I want to see where I've come from in my writings...may be from there I can see where I'm going.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Healing a Friendship



   I had a friendship, years ago the friendship ended because I was slighted. I was more than justified in several different ways to upset, hurt and ultimately done with the friendship. Over the past few years it's been a bit of a laugh to see that the person I am not friends with is a bit of a stalker. And that even after I blatantly refused her attempt at rekindling our friendship she is still, in her own way, trying to get to me. The circumstances of the demise of our friendship don't matter...what does is the fact that I just couldn't carry on having a friendship with someone who wouldn't take the time to see that I was hurt and apologize for the hurt they caused. When I simply stated in as articulate a way as I could how upset I was, she turned it into a woe-is-me party and told people we both knew lies about me. Basically turning a group of people against me because she couldn't be bothered to not only keep it between us, but to tell the truth of the matter.
    There have been a few emails exchanged between us over the years, each time I have told the truth of how I feel and tried to move on, but whenever I turn my head there she is. That's fine...I don't have a problem with her truly...I understand where she comes from and as sad as I once was about the end of our friendship, I now know that it was for the best.
    The other day I was told that she has been praying that we may reestablish our friendship and begin speaking again. I dismissed this notion, but  eventually started to think about how that was reflecting on me. Aren't we called to forgive? Yes! Isn't this staunch stance against her causing me emotional distress while she lives her life? Yes, I'm the only one I'm hurting. Not forgiving her, whether she apologizes or not(she won't because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong) is not helping me, it's only hurting me. So why don't I just forgive her? Well, I have! I forgive her for treating me like I was not her friend, for turning people against me with lies and for ultimately disregarding my feelings with her selfishness. I'm done with holding a grudge over someone who doesn't deserve that much of my time.
     So I forgive you Debbie! And I release this pressure I have held onto to be mad at you. It's over, I'm done...it's not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy. I hope and pray that you're life, marriage and family are blessed everyday! May God be with you...always a comfort and support.

     As I walk away from this grudge, I begin once more to move on to something better. Does this forgiveness mean I want to have a renewed friendship with her? NO, the trust we once had is gone, the support I thought we had for one another is no more and those things aren't coming back anytime soon. So, I walk on with a clear conscience and a blessing...but the Friendship we once had, will never be again.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Stop Complaining



  I just read a good blog post over at Jonacuff.com it was about complaining and the need to stop it. This is something I've been trying to work on for a few months. Stop complaining about the things I can't control and just let them play out and see where I land when the dust settles. In some areas it's been easy, but in others its been downright impossible!
  I know that my complaints aren't going to change anything, I also know that people don't really want to hear them, so I try to keep them to myself (and I guess this blog) but still it's complaining...and silently my complaints are direct prayers to God. I'm complaining about people and things and I just need to stop it.
   The need to stop complaining, like most things, won't change the world. It will only change me and how I see, live and interact in the world around me. If I stop complaining or stop looking for things to complain about then I can stop being so negative about the world. And start looking at things in a healthy and positive way.
   It'll definitely cut back on the woe is me/world is against me attitude that I learned from my father! So, I guess that's my new thing...

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Just...ugh



   There are just some things I will never understand...
   one is how people can't use the common sense God gave them. My mom would say that God doesn't give people common sense, that people have to learn it and are taught it by their parents. Well, in that case, those parents have failed, but I don't really believe that. I don't think God makes stupid...yes, some grow up ignorant to things and still, some are just clueless because they never take the time to look around them. But common sense has to be part of the brain God gives us. For him not to add it just seems unfair. So that brings me back to my conundrum. Why don't people use common sense?!?

    I've been living at my place since February, I don't get mail there, because I haven't changed my info, but since my old info is my parents house I really haven't been in a rush to do it. However, I got a card from a friend the other day (not sure what day though). She asked me where she should send it and I told her to send it to my house...knowing that I probably wouldn't get it from my parents for a month or so. So she did, she sent it and yesterday asked if I received it yet...worried that she didn't have the right address. I hadn't, but I told her it was probably at my house.
   When I came in and asked my roommate about it she said I didn't get anything. While talking to her I saw my friends name on a partially covered envelope sitting on the table. I asked if that was mine and my roommate said no...so I pulled it out from the bottom of the pile. Said, yes it's mine that's my name, to which she replied with a blank look on her face. Then a oh, I didn't know that was your last name. What?!?! I've been living with you for almost 6 months, you don't know my last name? She goes on to say she called the HOA to ask if there's someone by that name in the office. When they said no, she just...I don't know decided to keep it? Instead of asking me? I mean it had my first name (well only half of my first name, but still Mel...from Melanie is a pretty clear indication that it might be mine) and it came from Los Angeles, so why wouldn't she ask.
   Now, thinking about on it, as I reached for the card she walked over in a very defensive way, like she didn't want me to have the card...which is also weird. Maybe she didn't, maybe she was holding on to it for a specific reason that she didn't want me to know about. Maybe she was going to keep it and open it then later give it to me and say she didn't realize it wasn't hers until too late. I don't know, but the whole situation was weird and adds to the pile that tells me I'm in a bad place....but still brings me back to my question...
 
   Where is the common sense and the use of it?

   If that was me, the FIRST person I would have asked was my roommate! I wouldn't have called the HOA or held onto it...you ask the person you live with first and then, if it's not theirs, you send it back. Why hold it and not only that, but hold it under a pile of items? Why not just stick it straight back into the mail box and put the little red stick up? Because, I guess, the common sense didn't kick in and say hey this might belong to the other person in the house! It's frustrating...but I'm stuck and I guess I just have to keep my eyes open and stop trying to over-analyze why things are the way they are!

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Friday, August 09, 2013

Life's Roller Coaster...


but one of those dark indoor ones!
 
Just when I thought I was finally going to get my bearings, when things were going to level out for a while a curve slammed me off balance and a drop knocked the breath from my lungs.
Now, as my roller coaster car enters a phrase of uphill struggle all I can do is sit back and wonder how far the fall will be. Because I know there will be a fall, some curves and more uphill battles in my future...nothing on my roller coaster is easy, because my life doesn't work like that.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Revamping Life...



   I told myself (and you) that I was going on a spiritual journey of self discovery...yeah, as I was sitting here writing a different post I began thinking about this journey. This journey I thought I should be on because I thought that's where God wanted me to be. I'm starting to realize that all those things I thought He was saying were me trying to fit into a space I cannot fit into.

   See I was thinking that I need to change myself to fit God....that somehow this person who's sitting here writing this blog isn't good enough. But that's not what God was saying. He wasn't saying "You're not good enough" He was saying "I don't need you to change before you come to me, I need you to come to me and in simply doing that you'll be changed". But because I didn't pick up on that simple request I went about trying to "find and change myself" when all I had to do was pick up my bible and pray.

   That spiritual journey I was trying to force myself into taking isn't a grand trip for a short time...it's a steady everyday of life type of thing...and all I need to do is show up with my bible...my journey and my heart. God's already sitting there waiting for me and by simply spending time with Him the changed will come without me even knowing it.

   Until Next Time...
   ~m

Time to Sit Back and Relax


 This morning while driving to work (yes driving, I'm in the midst of an awkward two weeks of house-sitting). I switched the radio to the country station and heard a song that I hadn't heard in a very long time. Really, haven't listened to much radio nor I have listened to any country music since I moved. I realized in that moment that I miss it. There's something about country music for me. There's an all encompassing, engulfing feeling that comes over me when I'm listening to good country music. It feels like it's just me and the music in a bubble and the world disappears. It's like I'm living (or seeing) the story the song is telling and there's always a story in country music. As the song continued to play feeling of that bubble quickly faded (only because I had to concentrate to get on the freeway). Still, hours later, I feel a trace of that country bubble...and it's got me thinking.
  One of the quirky things about me is that I'm not typical. To most people I'm slightly off-center. The black girl who doesn't listen to rap but loves country music and would rather live in a suburb than the city. That's me...with a bunch of other slightly off things to go with those two...but some how I'm starting to lose it.
  In my move to Ventura I started a quest to find myself...it's been quite a trip. Filled with long train rides and short weekends. Frustration over not having enough money and having a needy co-dependant set of roommates. The last few months have been a challenge and although I was prepared for a challenge, my way of dealing with it was trying to find something better than I already am. Trying to change myself to fit into a mold I was also trying to create. Don't get me wrong, I do think that I should improve myself and start to change the things I don't like about myself...but in the process of trying to do those things I've derailed from the things that make me me. I've shut myself off and it's time to turn myself back on. I can blame this on several things, but there's no point. So I'll say this, it's time for me to take a break from over analyzing the world and people around me and especially myself. It's time to relax sit back and get back to the Melanie I was before. The content and happy person who listened to music, wrote and dreamt of what life in Ventura would be like.
   I'm in Ventura and I'm not living the life I want. I'm still holding back ,maybe that's my nature, but I dreamt for too long to give up now that I'm here. I need to stop trying to fix things and just allow life to happen...and I need to find me again. Then, once I find me I need to center myself and adjust to life in a way that will help me to grow more into myself and not away from myself.

  

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Never Fails...


 At this point in our relationship and in my life I know that my Mexican Mom, Maria, has insight on another level. Some of it is life experience, some is common sense...but then there's some that's just, from God. Normally, when I have something pressing on my heart and I need direction I ask her for advice or I ask her to pray for me. Her words never fail to either encourage the feelings or diminish them.
  You could say I give her too much credit that I should be relying more on God, but I do. In a lot of ways she says the things out loud that God's been whispering in my ear...but my brain is too noisy to hear it. That is exactly what happened the other day...
  A few weeks ago, I started to feel my heart opening up and my eyes looking in a direction I'd never looked at before, in fact, it's a direction I told God I didn't want to go in. Slowing this feeling became a longing and I found myself seriously considering things with it in mind. I asked Maria to pray for me...I didn't give her the specifics of it, but I know how she prays and knew it would be covered. I don't think I really got an answer from God then. I think he was allowing it to simmer in my mind and heart so that I'd be ready for it, if it does happen. Then, the other day, sitting in Maria's living room she made a comment about a totally different subject that nailed it all together. It was her mouth, but God's words. It was something only I would pick up on and something only I would truly understand. And God, true to form, knew my heart was ready to accept it and not fight it anymore.
  Could I be reading too much into it. Yes, but like I said, I know Maria. I know my relationship with her and my relationship with God and I know He uses her to get to me when I don't necessarily want to hear it from Him.
  One day I'll show her this post and she'll ask me what she confirmed and I'll tell her. It will just add another layer to the chapter of our relationship, the trust we've built. I'm sure between now and then there will be more words of wisdom and more words from God. But for right now I'm going to marvel at God and how well He works!

  It's like He know what He's doing!
 
  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Princess Tiana, Image of a Princess

   When Disney announced they were making a movie called the Princess and the Frog and it's main character would be Black a funny thing happened. A silent sound of joy came from the gut of every black girl (and her mother) who ever watched a Disney Princess movie. Its a territory we never ventured into before and I, didn't think we'd ever find ourselves in. Years later, when the marketing campaign started and merchandise started to pop up in stores, my mom told me (very seriously) that she wished they made Princess Tiana sheets in my size (Queen Size bed) because she'd buy me a full set. And I would have used them...a lot! I was 30 at the time and to most, if not all, people that exchange between mother and adult daughter would seem weird, but that's the power of image, especially in a country where the color of ones skin is still a big deal.
   I grew up watching Disney Princess movies...my favorite is Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora. I was seduced by the idea that I was enchanted and that some day a Prince would brave a dragon for me. As much as I've grown out of that thinking (or not) the fact remained, My favorite Princess was blonde with Blue eyes. Something, even if I found a Prince to brave a dragon, I'd never be. But Tiana...to look at her and see a version of me and members of my family was something special. Also, she wasn't some damsel in distress, she was spunky and trying her best to get to her dream. Fighting to make a better life for her and her mother. She just happened to stumble upon her Prince. Even then she wasn't interested, a bonus in my opinion.
   The year after black parents could point to a family other than the Cosby's for their children to look up to we got a movie that told young (and not so young) black girls that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and worthy. An image that we had never really seen before. It was a very special and humbling moment in history.
   Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because a few months back I found the above photo on Tumblr. I wanted to do a post on it then, but forgot and when I recently found it again I decided it was time. See, the first photo (which I wish I still had, but I threw it away in anger) of the park character "Princess Tiana" was not only a disappointment, but flat out enraging. Because the woman dressed in Tiana glory, was not black. If she was, she was very very light skinned, which does not match the depiction of Tiana at all! But to me, she look very Caucasian and I was very upset about it. I've worked at Disney, I've seen them march Princesses out in front of the guests with clearly ladies playing Princesses that are not the same nationality or race. For example, one day a mother walked over to me and my co-workers to complain that her daughter looked up to Jasmine, as the only "brown" Princess Jasmine was who this little girl saw in the mirror...and the person playing the Jasmine character was in fact, not brown. Her daugther, who was so excited to see her favorite burst into tears, and sat sobbing because what she saw before her wasn't who she thought it would be. I've also walked out to do a double take upon seeing Mulan who's face character was being played by a non-Chinese (or any Asian) girl. I was dumb founded and pretty sadden...because she was in "white face" (I don't know what else to called it). Her eyes and make up where done to look Chinese, but clearly she was not. I get it, the Disney face characters are hard to cast, because you have to be able to play more than one character, you have to be of a certain height and weight and you have to have perfect teeth, skin and features...yes it's hard, but Disney....LOOK HARDER! Because of this it's rare to find Mulan, Pochantas, Jasmine and Tiana walking around the parks. And if you do, more than likely she's being played by someone of a different race.
   Anyway, back to Tiana...the first photo I saw of her was a white girl in Tiana gear and I was upset...because I knew that one day soon a little black girl would walk into the park hoping to see Tiana...her Princess, standing there waiting to hug her and give her an autograph only to be disappointed and confused by the face staring back at her. Instead of having her dream/fantasy realized she'd be confronted with the "You aren't good enough" argument way to young to understand it. This picture above, unlike the first, gave me hope that Disney would get it right. That one day I'd be able to walk into the park and show my daughter not just her Princess but all of the Princesses of Color. That she'd know that she is a Princess and she's special...whatever she looks like or wherever she comes from. That she is worthy and beautiful and good enough.
   Maybe I'm putting too much stock into Princesses...and maybe someone will think I'm crazy, but for me the issue is real. For me the culture, the stereotype is real. And even the smallest little things...like a Black Disney Princess for little girls (of all colors) to look up to is a very special and very BIG DEAL!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m