small things

 i've always been the person who, when speaking to someone at length, wonders why that person would ever give me the time of day. i'm the person who wonders why I have friends, or why even i have people in my life at all. i don't really understand why anyone would want anything to do with me. you'd literally have to beat me down in order to get me to think that you may even (just the tiniest bit) like me in some fashion. for the most part I take everyone I meet and, even if I like them, I go with the thinking that they can't wait to get away from me. i've always thought that...it's just who i am. so imagine my surprise when i walked into my old church and got a bear hug from someone i had not idea liked me.
  about a week before this my mother told me that this person had mentioned me and told my mom that she really missed me. i was shocked cause, as i said, i didn't think she liked me. and not in my usual, they don't like me way, but seriously i thought she didn't like me at all! i thought my mom was pulling my leg..so i asked her about it a couple days later and she said the same thing. i was shocked, but not as shocked as i was with the hug i received. with the month i've been having it was like catching a life-preserver in the middle of the open sea.
  i needed it....i needed it like a needed nothing else...i needed that hug, from that person. at that moment. it was...i have no words...


  until next time,
   m

If You Build It

   Yesterday was an imteresting day of revelations, i spent most of the day in my head trying to decipher how i was feeling about a variety of things...but the thing that impacted me the most is my lack of self-esteem. i've known for a long time that my self esteem was shot, but it wasn't until yesterday that i realized its just not something that i have, at all.
   Of course this all stems from an off hand comment from one of my parents (don't all my revelations come that way). i helped my brother with a youth sleepover on Saturday night...if you know anything about youth sleepovers they aren't condusive to any actual sleep. So the fact that i got any sleep and was able to take a shower (thanks to the pastors wife) was a bit of a miracle...of course, my father did.t see or try to understand any of that all he saw was that i hadnt combed my hair. I washed my hair the day before and let it air dry on the drive...i put it up in a bun and pulled most loose strands back with bobby pins. i personally didnt care what i looked like because i wasn't trying to impress anyone. however, standing in front of the church talking to someone i hear my father say, "yeah but i wish she had done soething with her hair". i going to assume, knowing the person he was speaking to that he was asked "isn't nice that shes here today". That was his repsonse...not its great that shes here cause i haven't seen her. Not even its nice she came down to help her brother with tue youth....nope just yeah, whatever shes here and embarassing me with her hair. Thats not the first (or only comment he made about my appearance this weekend). Saturday night when i arrived, he saw me and chided me for acne scars i have on my nose (which I've had for a couple of years and he's commented on before) by saying "what are you not taking care of your skin", then proceeding to drag his hand over my face like he was healing me or something. Which he wasn't.
   When i got back to the youth room i texted Maria with a funny quip and a picture of my face and hair that morning...her response in stark contrast to my fathers was...she simply said "Beautiful"
    It made me pause, it made me think. It stopped me from telling another self-deprecating joke to keep from allowong me to feel my hurt and others from seeing it. In that moment i sat there and wondered with dawning awareness that my parents have never told me i was beautiful (my mother claims.that her first word upon seeing me was beautiful, but i've never actually believed it). The only person who's told me i beautiful is Maria. She says it regularly, she says it often. She doesn't say it as a joke, she says it because she means it and i've never accepted it because i dont believe it.
   I some point this thought slammed itself into the forefront of my mind... "how can you fight for self esteem when the people who should have instilled it in you did the opposite?" Followed by "how can you feel good about yourself when the odds of positive and negative are 2-1?" When you have, not one, but two parents who nitpick your appearance, condemn you amd make you feel your flaws your whole life how can you possibly overcome that