First off....Hello Blogspot...it feels like it's been years! So I just stopped by to give a quick round up of my life over the last week or so.
I'm still unemployed, still looking, but coming up short.
Starting tomorrow I will be house and dog sitting for two weeks. I'm very happy about it, I sat for this family last summer, I love their dog and the neighborhood they live in. Also, I love the fact that they have central air. I'm gonna have fun and hopefully this will give me time to reflect and write...it's been so long since I've done that. Wish me luck and I'm sure I'll check back sooner rather than later.
I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with social networks and blogs. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but that's okay....crazy people make the world interesting!
In the last week, I've deleted my secondary blogspot blog, I'm started a secondary tumblr blog and I've been introduced to Google+ (the supposed facebook killer). I'm digging google+ and I'm really digging the new blog. I've had so much fun over there in Tumblr land that I almost sometimes feel bad about not coming over to check in here very often.
But this is my first home so I'll come back when I have something very opinionated to say so...
Lastly, I'm waiting as patiently as I can for my Bestie Amber J to come back to Los Angeles. She's still in Washington and even though she's coming back soon, it's not fast enough for me...I'm really missing her person, even though we speak everyday sometime you just want to sit and laugh in the same room. (And just in case you're reading this Amber, I'll stop buggin now). So, I'll end this now...
Until Next Time
Friday, July 22, 2011
World Cup...Update
By now everyone knows that our Ladies did not win the World Cup. Although they put up a great effort they lost out to destiny and a team that had their entire country on their backs.
Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.
Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.
BTW, if I can only thank the Women's National Soccer Team for one thing, it's for introducing me to her....Abby Wambach, I'm thoroughly obsessed with you!
Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.
Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Ladies...you're in the World Cup Finals
I just have to say this.
I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.
These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.
In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!
Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.
****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****
I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.
These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.
In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!
Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.
****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Really?!?
I've been singing all my life. I come from a family of singers and musicians (on my dad's side), so for me singing is natural. I've never taken a lesson, I've never been trained, I just do it. Always have...I think I'm good at it, but I'm not conceded enough to think I'm going to be a superstar one day.
When I do sing (which right now is very rare) I choose to do it for a cause or for a reason. The last time I sang was earlier this year for a special church service. I was happy to do it, there was no pressure and I felt my heart, mind and soul where in a good place for me to stand up and sing praises to God.
To me, that's important...though it seems not be as important to others. If I don't feel comfortable in where I am with God, or the song I've been asked to sing I won't do it. That's what happened this week. Out of the blue the church worship leader emailed me asking if I'd sing a song at church this Sunday. I didn't feel comfortable with it so I declined.
About an hour ago, my mom starts in on me about how I should have sang it throwing out that the worship leader was sick and tried to sing it himself. She doesn't care about my spiritual being, she only cares about how many people come up to her after I sing to give her praise for my gift. That's all...
I choose to sing when I choose to sing. I use my gift as I see fit. If God calls me to sing a song then I'll sing it. That song wasn't in my heart, it didn't touch me...in fact it made me want to turn it off as soon as the first note was sung. So, I chose not to sing something that didn't touch my soul.
How can anyone criticize you for that?
When I do sing (which right now is very rare) I choose to do it for a cause or for a reason. The last time I sang was earlier this year for a special church service. I was happy to do it, there was no pressure and I felt my heart, mind and soul where in a good place for me to stand up and sing praises to God.
To me, that's important...though it seems not be as important to others. If I don't feel comfortable in where I am with God, or the song I've been asked to sing I won't do it. That's what happened this week. Out of the blue the church worship leader emailed me asking if I'd sing a song at church this Sunday. I didn't feel comfortable with it so I declined.
About an hour ago, my mom starts in on me about how I should have sang it throwing out that the worship leader was sick and tried to sing it himself. She doesn't care about my spiritual being, she only cares about how many people come up to her after I sing to give her praise for my gift. That's all...
I choose to sing when I choose to sing. I use my gift as I see fit. If God calls me to sing a song then I'll sing it. That song wasn't in my heart, it didn't touch me...in fact it made me want to turn it off as soon as the first note was sung. So, I chose not to sing something that didn't touch my soul.
How can anyone criticize you for that?
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
New Day Same Problem
I sometimes forget about things. I go back to this previous naive state of thinking that my family is actually somewhat sane. Then mornings like today happen and I'm thurst back into the reality and the facts of life in this family.
I live in a house with people who don't want to see the truth in what they do, but want to complain out what everyone else does. I'm not going to lie, I to parttake in this bizarre way of thinking from time to time, but I'm realisitic about it. I admit to it, I see it for what it is and I shut my mouth and move on to fix the problem. No one else does. It's ridiculous how blind these folks are.
I hear them all complain about each other, but the things they are complaining about in the other are the same things that are wrong with them. It seems they are all happy being unhappy and that's the state they chose to live in. The truth is what they want to see not what's really there.
I got fed up with waking up and finding the house a mess because people can't clean up after them....so I fired out 3 three to each one. I told them to clean up after themselves and stop being dirty fuckers! My father proceeded to call and yell at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about and how I pissed him off on an already bad day. He's upset because he doesn't want to work, he wants to laze around all day in bed while everyone else waits on him hand and foot like slaves. I'm not working, but here's the difference, I'm begging for a job,. Since I don't have one I cook, clean and take care of the house. When he doesn't work (like while I was in High School) he won't do anything but cook for himself throughout the day and leave the mess for everyone else. Even on days off in recent months he'll get up and make himself (only) food leave the mess for me to clean up then go lay in the bed until he needs to go to the store and get his daily supply of beer. That's all he does...but he constantly complains about how he's the only person who does anything...when in actuality he does the least.
Listen I'm not bitter, I'm truthful. I see it how it is and I tell it like it is. My mom complains about my dad because he's an asshole and treats her like dirt...well, he has always and she has never done anything about...so you know what stop complaining. You love him enough to take shit, you have for all these years, you're going to in the future so why are you complaining about it to me. I'm going to tell you the truth, which you won't like and will ignore. So leave me out of it.
Okay...this rant is ending here...because I have other things to do and if I don't stop I'll end up writing a book....UNTIL NEXT TIME
I live in a house with people who don't want to see the truth in what they do, but want to complain out what everyone else does. I'm not going to lie, I to parttake in this bizarre way of thinking from time to time, but I'm realisitic about it. I admit to it, I see it for what it is and I shut my mouth and move on to fix the problem. No one else does. It's ridiculous how blind these folks are.
I hear them all complain about each other, but the things they are complaining about in the other are the same things that are wrong with them. It seems they are all happy being unhappy and that's the state they chose to live in. The truth is what they want to see not what's really there.
I got fed up with waking up and finding the house a mess because people can't clean up after them....so I fired out 3 three to each one. I told them to clean up after themselves and stop being dirty fuckers! My father proceeded to call and yell at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about and how I pissed him off on an already bad day. He's upset because he doesn't want to work, he wants to laze around all day in bed while everyone else waits on him hand and foot like slaves. I'm not working, but here's the difference, I'm begging for a job,. Since I don't have one I cook, clean and take care of the house. When he doesn't work (like while I was in High School) he won't do anything but cook for himself throughout the day and leave the mess for everyone else. Even on days off in recent months he'll get up and make himself (only) food leave the mess for me to clean up then go lay in the bed until he needs to go to the store and get his daily supply of beer. That's all he does...but he constantly complains about how he's the only person who does anything...when in actuality he does the least.
Listen I'm not bitter, I'm truthful. I see it how it is and I tell it like it is. My mom complains about my dad because he's an asshole and treats her like dirt...well, he has always and she has never done anything about...so you know what stop complaining. You love him enough to take shit, you have for all these years, you're going to in the future so why are you complaining about it to me. I'm going to tell you the truth, which you won't like and will ignore. So leave me out of it.
Okay...this rant is ending here...because I have other things to do and if I don't stop I'll end up writing a book....UNTIL NEXT TIME
Sunday, June 12, 2011
My Theories
I am currently working on several posts for my 2012 theory. It will be in several parts because one long post probably won't be read. Instead several smaller ones might. Since the time I first heard about this Mayan prophecy I've had two different theories. I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it...but I have thought about it enough to come to a conclusion. Do my thoughts on the subject matter? No, but this is my blog and I feel like writing on it.
I'm not sure exactly when the first post will go up...I'm trying to get all my thoughts into a good sequence so that I don't babble on or repeat myself. I want to give facts so that people who do read this will actually learn something and not just hear the ramblings of a crazy person. So for now, I'll just tell you that the posts will be called 2012 pt 1 - whatever number at stop at. I'll run these posts off and on with my regular blog entries until I'm done collecting information...which will hopefully be around December 21, 2012 (which is the exact date the Mayan Calendar ends).
Just to preference this, I'm not afraid of 2012, I'm not worried about it. I am curious...and like anyone curious about anything I've asked my questions, looked for some answers and watched some specials about it. I know that in a year from now people are going to be worked up into a terror just like they were with the Y2K thing...but don't let the media get you rattled.
Until Next Time
I'm not sure exactly when the first post will go up...I'm trying to get all my thoughts into a good sequence so that I don't babble on or repeat myself. I want to give facts so that people who do read this will actually learn something and not just hear the ramblings of a crazy person. So for now, I'll just tell you that the posts will be called 2012 pt 1 - whatever number at stop at. I'll run these posts off and on with my regular blog entries until I'm done collecting information...which will hopefully be around December 21, 2012 (which is the exact date the Mayan Calendar ends).
Just to preference this, I'm not afraid of 2012, I'm not worried about it. I am curious...and like anyone curious about anything I've asked my questions, looked for some answers and watched some specials about it. I know that in a year from now people are going to be worked up into a terror just like they were with the Y2K thing...but don't let the media get you rattled.
Until Next Time
Friday, June 03, 2011
Budgets
The other day I said I didn't have anything to say, because they was so much going on in this world I didn't know where to start. Well, that night as I was dozing off the news gave me something to speak on...budget cuts.
This country is in the midst of a financial crisis...this state (California) is way worse off that most. We can't win for losing and it sucks...especially because we can't get the money for the things we really need. Los Angeles, which is full of the ultra wealthy and super poor, is suffering just like every other city. But the length at which our mayor is willing to cutback is ridiculous.
Fire, Police, Emergency Services are all being cut...all of them across the line. Firefighters and Police have been protesting but to no avail. Look I understand that we have no money to pay them...I understand that it's hard on everyone, but living in a neighborhood were gun shots are a regular thing it's scary to know that there may be a day when I call 911 and won't get any help. When a house on my block might catch fire and we have to put it out ourselves because the engines won't show.
We have terrible streets, a terrible school system and now this...Los Angeles, how I hate you more and more each day. I'm not saying I have a solution for the budget problems or how to get money to the places that need it most, but what I am saying is that Police, Firefighters and Emergency Services in general need as much money as they can get.
oh and in a related topic. In a Northern California city, Emergency Service workers watched a man drown because extreme cutbacks meant they weren't trained for water to land rescues and because of their lack of training it was legally for them to rescue him. Sad, disappointing and a direct result of a mayor taking the short way out.
This country is in the midst of a financial crisis...this state (California) is way worse off that most. We can't win for losing and it sucks...especially because we can't get the money for the things we really need. Los Angeles, which is full of the ultra wealthy and super poor, is suffering just like every other city. But the length at which our mayor is willing to cutback is ridiculous.
Fire, Police, Emergency Services are all being cut...all of them across the line. Firefighters and Police have been protesting but to no avail. Look I understand that we have no money to pay them...I understand that it's hard on everyone, but living in a neighborhood were gun shots are a regular thing it's scary to know that there may be a day when I call 911 and won't get any help. When a house on my block might catch fire and we have to put it out ourselves because the engines won't show.
We have terrible streets, a terrible school system and now this...Los Angeles, how I hate you more and more each day. I'm not saying I have a solution for the budget problems or how to get money to the places that need it most, but what I am saying is that Police, Firefighters and Emergency Services in general need as much money as they can get.
oh and in a related topic. In a Northern California city, Emergency Service workers watched a man drown because extreme cutbacks meant they weren't trained for water to land rescues and because of their lack of training it was legally for them to rescue him. Sad, disappointing and a direct result of a mayor taking the short way out.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Osama Bin Laden
I first learned about Osama Bin Laden's death via twitter. I looked down at my phone and 3 people I follow had posted something about his death, then said go to CNN. Sitting in the living room of my house I yelled out "Osama Bin Laden is dead, turn to CNN!" so that everyone could hear me. There it was confirmed...he was dead, taken out by some pretty bad ass Special Ops guys. Ordered there by our pretty bad ass President.
Utter joy and disbelief flooded my body. Could this be, this man that scarred a generation of people...could he really be dead? I wanted to sing and dance and laugh and be...well, JOYFUL. The only thing running through my head was "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". Because our witch was. I wasn't the only one feeling that way, people actually took to the streets...singing and dancing, being JOYFUL. Being happy...but for me, that happiness left as fast as it came. Because in the back of my mind, it was no longer about celebrating his death, it was about "what's coming next". This community of followers, his followers will surely attempt to strike at us again. Whether us directly or one of our allies. That's scary, but I gave myself a moment for the joy!
Then, in a matter of days, people started to come out of the woodwork to condemn those who danced and sang...celebrating death is apparently a no-no to some. Even when it's the death of a mass murdered who killed innocents just because he doesn't like how we live. I'm sorry...I don't get that. Those must be the people who were under a rock on that faithful Tuesday. Who didn't witness it, who didn't walk around in a zombie like state that day, that week. Wondering what was happening. Those must be the people who didn't looked (and still look) into the sky every time a plane passed over head and prayed that it wasn't going to come down on them. Those are the people who weren't truly affected.
I didn't know anyone who died that day, but I do know that a part of me was taken. That part of freedom that allows you to live blindly, thinking you're untouchable died. I'm scarred by the sights, the sounds, the smoke...the imagines that I'll never forget. Hearing about the men and women who willingly gave their lives to save others...those are the things I'll hold on to. And if my heart was given just a small bit of peace because of the death of this man, then I'll take it. I won't be ashamed to say I was happy, JOYFUL...I wanted to sing and dance at his death because his death was what we've been promised since that day and we got it.
Utter joy and disbelief flooded my body. Could this be, this man that scarred a generation of people...could he really be dead? I wanted to sing and dance and laugh and be...well, JOYFUL. The only thing running through my head was "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". Because our witch was. I wasn't the only one feeling that way, people actually took to the streets...singing and dancing, being JOYFUL. Being happy...but for me, that happiness left as fast as it came. Because in the back of my mind, it was no longer about celebrating his death, it was about "what's coming next". This community of followers, his followers will surely attempt to strike at us again. Whether us directly or one of our allies. That's scary, but I gave myself a moment for the joy!
Then, in a matter of days, people started to come out of the woodwork to condemn those who danced and sang...celebrating death is apparently a no-no to some. Even when it's the death of a mass murdered who killed innocents just because he doesn't like how we live. I'm sorry...I don't get that. Those must be the people who were under a rock on that faithful Tuesday. Who didn't witness it, who didn't walk around in a zombie like state that day, that week. Wondering what was happening. Those must be the people who didn't looked (and still look) into the sky every time a plane passed over head and prayed that it wasn't going to come down on them. Those are the people who weren't truly affected.
I didn't know anyone who died that day, but I do know that a part of me was taken. That part of freedom that allows you to live blindly, thinking you're untouchable died. I'm scarred by the sights, the sounds, the smoke...the imagines that I'll never forget. Hearing about the men and women who willingly gave their lives to save others...those are the things I'll hold on to. And if my heart was given just a small bit of peace because of the death of this man, then I'll take it. I won't be ashamed to say I was happy, JOYFUL...I wanted to sing and dance at his death because his death was what we've been promised since that day and we got it.
Hey There
I've been so busy putting together my new blog that I've totally shied away from this one. I've been having a lot of fun over at the other place because it doesn't take as much brain power. I usually come on here and rant about something that I feel really powerful about. There are so many things going on in the world right now that I just don't know where to begin.
I do have to say that I've been blessed with some pretty great friends. Even though I'm in my hole here at home and I sometimes feel like life is passing me by I know that if/when I really need them they'll come through. Not everyone has that...that makes me truly blessed.
So I'm gonna go now, I'm going to write up another blog post in a minute...it may or may not be for this blog....
Until Next Time
I do have to say that I've been blessed with some pretty great friends. Even though I'm in my hole here at home and I sometimes feel like life is passing me by I know that if/when I really need them they'll come through. Not everyone has that...that makes me truly blessed.
So I'm gonna go now, I'm going to write up another blog post in a minute...it may or may not be for this blog....
Until Next Time
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Another Blog...Again and again
I decided to do this again....
I have a tumblr blog, it's not a journal-like blog like this one...it is a "girly" fashion, makeup, shoes and accessories blog. I'm not trying to school anyone in the ways of being girly...cause I'm not, but I do have to say that somewhere inside of me is a real girly girl trying to escape!
This belong is the first of many steps to that. I hope you swing by and give me your feed back, I'd really appreciate it!
This blog will keep going, cause I still need someplace to vent my frustration and concerns.
Until Next Time
I have a tumblr blog, it's not a journal-like blog like this one...it is a "girly" fashion, makeup, shoes and accessories blog. I'm not trying to school anyone in the ways of being girly...cause I'm not, but I do have to say that somewhere inside of me is a real girly girl trying to escape!
This belong is the first of many steps to that. I hope you swing by and give me your feed back, I'd really appreciate it!
This blog will keep going, cause I still need someplace to vent my frustration and concerns.
Until Next Time
Monday, May 23, 2011
When it Rains, It Pours...
And it's not always the good kind of rain.
Last week I had a job interview and well, today I was informed I didn't get it. I've tried to stay pretty positive about the whole job hunt thing. Not getting any call backs or only getting scams and now, it's the getting all the way through two interviews and a "test" but still being told you're not what we're looking for. It sucks!
I'm still trying to keep my head up. I instinctively knew that I wasn't going to get it, but I'm still disappointed. I'm still sadden by the fact, that my skills...my experience isn't good enough. I'm starting to feel trapped and I don't like it.
So now, it's back to the drawing board....back to the disappointment. Trying to keep the sadness from taking over.
Last week I had a job interview and well, today I was informed I didn't get it. I've tried to stay pretty positive about the whole job hunt thing. Not getting any call backs or only getting scams and now, it's the getting all the way through two interviews and a "test" but still being told you're not what we're looking for. It sucks!
I'm still trying to keep my head up. I instinctively knew that I wasn't going to get it, but I'm still disappointed. I'm still sadden by the fact, that my skills...my experience isn't good enough. I'm starting to feel trapped and I don't like it.
So now, it's back to the drawing board....back to the disappointment. Trying to keep the sadness from taking over.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Know Peace
As I sit here writing this post I have thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Thoughts that are more worrying and over powering than anything I can read in the news at the moment. But in the news, besides Arnold's Baby, the Boxtox Mom and the Nazi Director (see what I mean) there is a story about the end of the world. If you haven't heard it yet...here it is. The world will end on Saturday, May 21, 2011. Or at least that's what someone has predicted.
I vaguely heard something about this a couple months ago, then recently saw a billboard for it. And now, on the eve of this day there is a definite uproar about it everywhere. I don't believe it because frankly, I believe in God. I believe what the bible says about the end of the world. That only God knows that date and God will only tell Jesus when it's time. No one else is privy to the information because....no one else is worthy of it. So for some guy to come out and say this is what's going to happen makes me laugh.
As a human, there's always that self doubt, I believe what I believe but there's that little voice saying....are you sure? Listen if the world ends tomorrow I will, be wrong. I can live with that. But if it doesn't...then what? What are we supposed to do...go on with the rest of our lives until the next day the world is supposed to end....which is next year(I'll have another post on that topic), THANKS MAYANS!
I know peace, the peace that passes all understanding the peace that God gives out to quiet our souls and give us calm. The peace to dismiss the ridiculous, the turn the other cheek and keep ourselves walking on the path toward heaven. This peace is a peace everyone should have. A peace that God will give you, all you have to do is ask. This is the peace that will keep me grounded and happy.
So tomorrow when the world is running around waiting for the end, I'll be at peace knowing that God's in control and I'm okay. And if tomorrow He does decide to end it all...I'll be at peace with that too.
Next Until Time...
I vaguely heard something about this a couple months ago, then recently saw a billboard for it. And now, on the eve of this day there is a definite uproar about it everywhere. I don't believe it because frankly, I believe in God. I believe what the bible says about the end of the world. That only God knows that date and God will only tell Jesus when it's time. No one else is privy to the information because....no one else is worthy of it. So for some guy to come out and say this is what's going to happen makes me laugh.
As a human, there's always that self doubt, I believe what I believe but there's that little voice saying....are you sure? Listen if the world ends tomorrow I will, be wrong. I can live with that. But if it doesn't...then what? What are we supposed to do...go on with the rest of our lives until the next day the world is supposed to end....which is next year(I'll have another post on that topic), THANKS MAYANS!
I know peace, the peace that passes all understanding the peace that God gives out to quiet our souls and give us calm. The peace to dismiss the ridiculous, the turn the other cheek and keep ourselves walking on the path toward heaven. This peace is a peace everyone should have. A peace that God will give you, all you have to do is ask. This is the peace that will keep me grounded and happy.
So tomorrow when the world is running around waiting for the end, I'll be at peace knowing that God's in control and I'm okay. And if tomorrow He does decide to end it all...I'll be at peace with that too.
Next Until Time...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Little Girls
We have an epidemic on our hands. I daughters don't know how much they're worth. They don't know that they are special. We put them in front of the Television or computer and show them all these women who are selling themselves short. Marketing their bodies, giving their souls away, these are not the women our girls should be looking up to.
My role models have always been the women around me, and I hope that in someways I can be some kind of role model to someone else. I'm not saying that I'm great, but I am saying that I hope there's someone out there who can learn from my mistakes and heartbreaks and doesn't have to go through them herself.
I just wish we could offer more hope to our daughters...more than just half naked celebrities, sex tapes, bad behavior and low morals. I just really hope that there are women out there who believe, hope and pray for the same.
Until Next Time.
My role models have always been the women around me, and I hope that in someways I can be some kind of role model to someone else. I'm not saying that I'm great, but I am saying that I hope there's someone out there who can learn from my mistakes and heartbreaks and doesn't have to go through them herself.
I just wish we could offer more hope to our daughters...more than just half naked celebrities, sex tapes, bad behavior and low morals. I just really hope that there are women out there who believe, hope and pray for the same.
Until Next Time.
Examples
Parents should set good examples for their children. No one told my father that, because he sets examples for us their just not good examples. In January when I lost my job, I was told the Friday before that I was going to be fired the following Monday. I came to my parents told them the story and got absolutely no support. My father was discouraging and my mom told me to beg for my job. No matter how much I didn't want to go back into that place they both insisted that I do. So I went, got fired and came home. They couldn't understand why it happened even though I told them it would. It's like they forgot the conversation we has two days before.
Fast forward 4 months later, my father was given notice that he will receive a pink slip at the end of this school term, a pink slip with the possibility of not getting find just moved to about school. You know what he did Monday....no, he didn't go to work like he told me to do. He didn't go in Monday or Tuesday. He stayed home and moped in his bed like a baby. He decided that it was just too tough to go in and maybe have the support of his supervisor, and maybe just maybe be placed at a different school. I didn't have any support, I was going and all the people around me knew it, they had created the situation and I was the patsy. He's just lazy...
How can you tell you child to do one thing then you do something completely different, maybe it' because he's stubborn, selfish and can't see beyond himself. or maybe it's because he feels like he's entitled and he can't understand why no one else gives a flying fuck. I could be wrong, but I think I know my father well enough to know this isn't going to end well.
Fast forward 4 months later, my father was given notice that he will receive a pink slip at the end of this school term, a pink slip with the possibility of not getting find just moved to about school. You know what he did Monday....no, he didn't go to work like he told me to do. He didn't go in Monday or Tuesday. He stayed home and moped in his bed like a baby. He decided that it was just too tough to go in and maybe have the support of his supervisor, and maybe just maybe be placed at a different school. I didn't have any support, I was going and all the people around me knew it, they had created the situation and I was the patsy. He's just lazy...
How can you tell you child to do one thing then you do something completely different, maybe it' because he's stubborn, selfish and can't see beyond himself. or maybe it's because he feels like he's entitled and he can't understand why no one else gives a flying fuck. I could be wrong, but I think I know my father well enough to know this isn't going to end well.
Alone Time
I've always been a sort of shy social butterfly. I love people (most of the time) but I am also afraid of them. I have trust issues and I never know how to navigate until I've been around someone enough. I usually start off quiet, which I've been told comes off in a bad way, but it's so I can find the dynamic of the situation I'm walking into, but why am I giving up so much of myself to fit into someone else's group? When I was younger I always thought that I needed to be with people, that if I wanted to go to a movie or a restaurant I needed to be with someone to talk to or to share the experience with. Then I went to a movie alone....then a restaurant...then slowly but surely I realized that sometimes, I'd just rather be by myself.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice to go out with friends, but if you're friends are busy or married (like ALL of mine) then you have to do things on your own or end up staying at home all the time. You have to learn to like/love yourself enough to be secure in yourself. You have to learn to like yourself enough to be in your own head and not be afraid of it. Some people won't understand that, but others will.
It takes time to get to this state...for me, it took time and an unsatisfying life as I knew it (it also took crappy birthdays). I realized that I can't sit around and wait for someone, I also realized that my relationships can't be true if I'm not sure what true is. How can I give an opinion when I don't even know the different between my heart and my head. For me it took years, still for others it may take longer. In the end I know this I love my alone time...so much so that when I don't get it I feel like I'm going a little crazy.
Alone time can be relaxing to the soul, it's time when you can just be...no expectations, no rules, no rushing...just you. That may scare you, but it's a good scare.
Don't get me wrong, it's nice to go out with friends, but if you're friends are busy or married (like ALL of mine) then you have to do things on your own or end up staying at home all the time. You have to learn to like/love yourself enough to be secure in yourself. You have to learn to like yourself enough to be in your own head and not be afraid of it. Some people won't understand that, but others will.
It takes time to get to this state...for me, it took time and an unsatisfying life as I knew it (it also took crappy birthdays). I realized that I can't sit around and wait for someone, I also realized that my relationships can't be true if I'm not sure what true is. How can I give an opinion when I don't even know the different between my heart and my head. For me it took years, still for others it may take longer. In the end I know this I love my alone time...so much so that when I don't get it I feel like I'm going a little crazy.
Alone time can be relaxing to the soul, it's time when you can just be...no expectations, no rules, no rushing...just you. That may scare you, but it's a good scare.
White House
We are the owners of the White House, whether I ever see it in person or walk it's halls. I, as an American citizen am a partial owner of that house. And as an owner I was thrilled to hear that the Obama's wanted to open the White House up to everyone, hold events where different people of different experiences and cultures can come together and learn from each other. They wanted to make this White House the people's house again.
When people hear the White House, I think they forget that it's actually a house. Yes, it's an office building, newroom, banquet hall, restaurant and museam too, but first and foremost it's a house. It's our house! America's House! The People's House! And the US is our Melting Pot. We aren't a country made up of one type of people, so even though up until 2 years ago our "House" was represented by one certain type of people, we now can see something different respresented. This "difference" has embraced the fact that we are all different and that our differences should celebrated and learned from.
So yesterday, when scrolling yahoo's homepage I saw an article about Common (rapper, activist, poet, actor) being invited to the White House for a poetry slam being held this week. He was invited to preform. Of course the article insinuated that Common is a gangsta rapper (which he's not) and that he's filthy and not fit to walk through the halls of the Great House. Really? I went on to read the comments, half of which were positive, the other half were not. But the funniest comments were the ones pointing out that George H.W. Bush invited Easy E to the White House...Easy E who by many standards is one of the worst gangsta rappers ever. But people are afraid of someone more know for spoken word? Or is it that he's black and the President inviting him is black?
CommentS stating that the Obamas were trash inviting trash into the White House is terrible and unnessecary. The truth is that Presidents have invited many different people to the White House over the years and some of those people didn't have the most idyllic backgrounds (and let's not forget the President that had women brought in for him to shag while he's wife was down the hall).
So is it the fact that Common is a rapper or that he's black, that has these people up in arms? Or is it the fact that he bad mouthed President Bush (cause if that's so...most people can't go to the White House). Or is it simply the fact that rap music and "urban" poetry is still considered less than by a public of people who try to plead that their children are lacking the education of the arts but refuse to see just how diverse the arts have become? Anyway you put it, people are up in arms for the wrong reasons and ready to critize on the drop of a dime.
I criticized Bush all the time, but not for his White House guests...more for he's lies, fabrications and willingness to get us into 2 wars while saying we're looking for a mass murdered when all the while he's been in an entirely different country. Yes, I criticized Bush for being a war criminal, for profiting from thieves and for sitting back at his ranch while watching people in the south die. Yes, I criticized him...but not for trivial things like inviting a rapper to the White House.
When people hear the White House, I think they forget that it's actually a house. Yes, it's an office building, newroom, banquet hall, restaurant and museam too, but first and foremost it's a house. It's our house! America's House! The People's House! And the US is our Melting Pot. We aren't a country made up of one type of people, so even though up until 2 years ago our "House" was represented by one certain type of people, we now can see something different respresented. This "difference" has embraced the fact that we are all different and that our differences should celebrated and learned from.
So yesterday, when scrolling yahoo's homepage I saw an article about Common (rapper, activist, poet, actor) being invited to the White House for a poetry slam being held this week. He was invited to preform. Of course the article insinuated that Common is a gangsta rapper (which he's not) and that he's filthy and not fit to walk through the halls of the Great House. Really? I went on to read the comments, half of which were positive, the other half were not. But the funniest comments were the ones pointing out that George H.W. Bush invited Easy E to the White House...Easy E who by many standards is one of the worst gangsta rappers ever. But people are afraid of someone more know for spoken word? Or is it that he's black and the President inviting him is black?
CommentS stating that the Obamas were trash inviting trash into the White House is terrible and unnessecary. The truth is that Presidents have invited many different people to the White House over the years and some of those people didn't have the most idyllic backgrounds (and let's not forget the President that had women brought in for him to shag while he's wife was down the hall).
So is it the fact that Common is a rapper or that he's black, that has these people up in arms? Or is it the fact that he bad mouthed President Bush (cause if that's so...most people can't go to the White House). Or is it simply the fact that rap music and "urban" poetry is still considered less than by a public of people who try to plead that their children are lacking the education of the arts but refuse to see just how diverse the arts have become? Anyway you put it, people are up in arms for the wrong reasons and ready to critize on the drop of a dime.
I criticized Bush all the time, but not for his White House guests...more for he's lies, fabrications and willingness to get us into 2 wars while saying we're looking for a mass murdered when all the while he's been in an entirely different country. Yes, I criticized Bush for being a war criminal, for profiting from thieves and for sitting back at his ranch while watching people in the south die. Yes, I criticized him...but not for trivial things like inviting a rapper to the White House.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Is that it?
There have been few times in my life when I can say that I was completely happy. Not just happy on the surface, but I felt like I was being fulfilled in every way possible. Those times revolve around music and children. There were 3 years where I led worship at Children's Summer Camp and I've worked with kids for 6+ years. Alone those experiences seem good, great even...but when I look at them as a whole. Two pieces that fit my personality I see that it was perfect.
So in sitting around searching for what God wants for me I have to ask myself.."is this it God", are you telling me that the path I'm supposed to be on involves children and music? Are you telling me that I'll be truly happy again when I'm selfishly giving my all to two things I am completely passionate about? It sounds so easy and with God I can do anything...I just need to know where to step!
So in sitting around searching for what God wants for me I have to ask myself.."is this it God", are you telling me that the path I'm supposed to be on involves children and music? Are you telling me that I'll be truly happy again when I'm selfishly giving my all to two things I am completely passionate about? It sounds so easy and with God I can do anything...I just need to know where to step!
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Crying
I don't know why, but for the last few months I've been crying more than I ever have before. I've tried to figure out if there's something wrong with my emotionally, if there's something deep down that I haven't dealt with, but I need to. But, for the life of me, I can't think of anything.
I'm happy, I'm taking care of my family, I'm loving my friends, I'm trying to be still and listen to the Lord...yet I'm crying. Maybe in this stage of life I'm in I am just more open to tears, to the emotions behind them, which aren't always bad. Sometimes you have to cry just to let things out...
I've been thinking it's hormones, but it's not...I'm crying when I'm not on my period (or close to it)...in fact, the tears come for any and everything...the last time I cried was yesterday and it was because I was watching a documentary on JK Rowling and she was talking about the end of Harry Potter...I started crying! Earlier in the day I cried watching a "it gets better" video on YouTube. I'm a mess....but there's no shame. I don't feel bad or stupid (maybe a little), I just feel free.
Free to cry to feel the things that are on my mind and in my heart. Feel to express this part of me that wasn't demonstrated by the people around me. To me, crying is freedom! So maybe I should just stop questioning and let the tears follow!
Until Next
I'm happy, I'm taking care of my family, I'm loving my friends, I'm trying to be still and listen to the Lord...yet I'm crying. Maybe in this stage of life I'm in I am just more open to tears, to the emotions behind them, which aren't always bad. Sometimes you have to cry just to let things out...
I've been thinking it's hormones, but it's not...I'm crying when I'm not on my period (or close to it)...in fact, the tears come for any and everything...the last time I cried was yesterday and it was because I was watching a documentary on JK Rowling and she was talking about the end of Harry Potter...I started crying! Earlier in the day I cried watching a "it gets better" video on YouTube. I'm a mess....but there's no shame. I don't feel bad or stupid (maybe a little), I just feel free.
Free to cry to feel the things that are on my mind and in my heart. Feel to express this part of me that wasn't demonstrated by the people around me. To me, crying is freedom! So maybe I should just stop questioning and let the tears follow!
Until Next
Thursday, May 05, 2011
The Royal Wedding!
There are people who don't get it and people who do. For me, I'm a girl her believed the fairly tales I watched. I wanted (want) the handsome prince to swept me off my feet and into a castle. But as a woman, I want a man to be my prince and swept me off my feet and into life as his wife. I love a wedding...doesn't matter who's it is...I love it! So for me, I got up to see it...because for a couple of hours I got to see the dream, the fantasy in action.
And it was perfect...
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
The Most Ridiculous Thing
Our government needs some type of intervention and counseling. In fact, I think we need to send them all to anger management and rehab. No seriously! The Republicans are so mad at the Democrats that they want to shut the government down. Do you have any idea what that means? Well here's one aspect....money!
It's tax time and even if the government shuts down today we are still required to have our tax forms turned in on time. However, the IRS won't be opening, so they won't be sending out any refunds. Also, all of our soldiers...those at home and in the field won't be paid. What? We send them out to fight a war for oil and then we won't pay them? I'm sorry folks but all those government employees will get sent home...but not paid. We are in a financial crisis and the solution is to stop the flow of money? So, most people can't pay their bills already, what happens when the few who can can't?
Our government hates each other, it's like a bad soap opera, mixed with a Springer Episode, (I'm waiting for someone to start throwing food). So, why do they hate each other? I'd like to say it has nothing to do with the guy who lives in the big white house who isn't white. But it does...the truth is this, in the mid-term elections a bunch of Tea (Baggers) Party candidates where elected. This is a group that is racist and has only picked up steam because we happen to have a brown president. These freshman representatives and senators got into office and lost their flippin minds! They don't want to work things out they just want their way....like two year olds and they're throwing the ultimate tantrum! So like any kid, they're going to cause so much commotion that the whole government has to STOP! Hello, people is anyone watching? Is anyone really seeing what is happening in DC? Does anyone care?
I like to consider myself a patriot, I like to consider myself a supporter of our government, our troops and our leaders. But the fact that the Republicans are doing this and the Democrats are allowing it is really upsetting and makes me think that this can't get any worse...but once I start to think that, something else more horrible happens.
Hey government....look around you. Stop and look around you...lets bring our troops home, let's fix the damn oil leak in the gulf, let's prepare for the 9 hurricanes on the east coast...let's rebuild New Orleans....let's prepare the west coast for the giant earthquake that we know will hit and let's fix our crumbling infrastructure so that if our kids want to drive cross country there'll be roads and bridges for them to drive on. Let's fix the economy, let's really reform health care, let's kick out the lobbyists and let's buckle down and get ourselves out of debt.
Hey regular ordinary citizens...let's vote for our leaders with our hearts, guts and BRAINS...not with the fear that some leaders are spewing. And let's hold the leaders we have to standards higher than, thank goodness he/she hasn't been in a sex scandal yet!
If we don't stop and see what's happening, this thing will only get worse and then I'll have to start campaign for Kelli D to be president!
It's tax time and even if the government shuts down today we are still required to have our tax forms turned in on time. However, the IRS won't be opening, so they won't be sending out any refunds. Also, all of our soldiers...those at home and in the field won't be paid. What? We send them out to fight a war for oil and then we won't pay them? I'm sorry folks but all those government employees will get sent home...but not paid. We are in a financial crisis and the solution is to stop the flow of money? So, most people can't pay their bills already, what happens when the few who can can't?
Our government hates each other, it's like a bad soap opera, mixed with a Springer Episode, (I'm waiting for someone to start throwing food). So, why do they hate each other? I'd like to say it has nothing to do with the guy who lives in the big white house who isn't white. But it does...the truth is this, in the mid-term elections a bunch of Tea (Baggers) Party candidates where elected. This is a group that is racist and has only picked up steam because we happen to have a brown president. These freshman representatives and senators got into office and lost their flippin minds! They don't want to work things out they just want their way....like two year olds and they're throwing the ultimate tantrum! So like any kid, they're going to cause so much commotion that the whole government has to STOP! Hello, people is anyone watching? Is anyone really seeing what is happening in DC? Does anyone care?
I like to consider myself a patriot, I like to consider myself a supporter of our government, our troops and our leaders. But the fact that the Republicans are doing this and the Democrats are allowing it is really upsetting and makes me think that this can't get any worse...but once I start to think that, something else more horrible happens.
Hey government....look around you. Stop and look around you...lets bring our troops home, let's fix the damn oil leak in the gulf, let's prepare for the 9 hurricanes on the east coast...let's rebuild New Orleans....let's prepare the west coast for the giant earthquake that we know will hit and let's fix our crumbling infrastructure so that if our kids want to drive cross country there'll be roads and bridges for them to drive on. Let's fix the economy, let's really reform health care, let's kick out the lobbyists and let's buckle down and get ourselves out of debt.
Hey regular ordinary citizens...let's vote for our leaders with our hearts, guts and BRAINS...not with the fear that some leaders are spewing. And let's hold the leaders we have to standards higher than, thank goodness he/she hasn't been in a sex scandal yet!
If we don't stop and see what's happening, this thing will only get worse and then I'll have to start campaign for Kelli D to be president!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Why...How?
I started to write this blog about image and self esteem. About halfway through I started to cry and realized that this topic which is very personal cannot be told in a simple manner. It' something I have to sit and think about. Something I have to get my head and heart around before I can write it. I'm sure at some point I'll be willing enough to revisit those wounds. To rip them wide open, so to say, and expose them to world. I'm just not that ready yet.
But I do have a question...when you look at yourself to do you see Beauty or Beast?
In my heart I don't believe God makes ugly. Everything is beauty, EVERYTHING....WHICH MEANS YOU
But I do have a question...when you look at yourself to do you see Beauty or Beast?
In my heart I don't believe God makes ugly. Everything is beauty, EVERYTHING....WHICH MEANS YOU
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A Broken Heart Being Healed
This time last year, I was contemplating stepping away from a friendship 10 years in the making. My best friend and I had been through many many good times and bad. We had each other the way no one else did. But I in my own desperation for self searching took a step away from her. Before I knew it, she was gone. Like moved to another state and I was left here, alone and lonely and it was of my own making.
I didn't realize how much she meant until she was gone, but after time I realized what I was missing. I realized it and was too scared and proud to take the steps to ask her back into my life. But I did, last week...after a dream. I emailed her and told her that I was ready to be her friend again. That I was past the point of selfishness, that I had learned things about myself and that I was hoping she wanted me back too. She did...as excited as I was the day I got an email in return, I was even more excited when today she told me some news that I wasn't expecting. She's coming back. Not only back into my life, but back into my state and moreover, my town.
This time last week, I was just praying that she'd accept my apology and that maybe in time I'd get to see her again. Spend time with her, I was off into some distant future and now that future isn't so distant. Last week, I was trying to keep my heart from totally breaking and now I'm trying to keep it from jumping out of my chest in excitement!
I've been saying that God has a plan for me, that His timing is perfect and even though I don't know what His plan is or when I'll see the results, I do know that it's in place. This one little act and the way it fell together is just an example that shows that God's plan is in full effect. When He made it clear to me that I needed to do certain things, I questioned, wondered and postponed. But in the end I did it, not knowing the outcome...I needed to know how much she means to me. I needed to see my world and myself without her in it, so that I can appreciate her, the way a friend of her caliber deserves to be appreciated.
She's my Best Friend and I've realized now that I've been drowning without. Not only is she back in my life, saving me again...but soon I'll be able to hug her, cry with her and tell her to her face how much I truly love and appreciate her.
I can't wait!
I didn't realize how much she meant until she was gone, but after time I realized what I was missing. I realized it and was too scared and proud to take the steps to ask her back into my life. But I did, last week...after a dream. I emailed her and told her that I was ready to be her friend again. That I was past the point of selfishness, that I had learned things about myself and that I was hoping she wanted me back too. She did...as excited as I was the day I got an email in return, I was even more excited when today she told me some news that I wasn't expecting. She's coming back. Not only back into my life, but back into my state and moreover, my town.
This time last week, I was just praying that she'd accept my apology and that maybe in time I'd get to see her again. Spend time with her, I was off into some distant future and now that future isn't so distant. Last week, I was trying to keep my heart from totally breaking and now I'm trying to keep it from jumping out of my chest in excitement!
I've been saying that God has a plan for me, that His timing is perfect and even though I don't know what His plan is or when I'll see the results, I do know that it's in place. This one little act and the way it fell together is just an example that shows that God's plan is in full effect. When He made it clear to me that I needed to do certain things, I questioned, wondered and postponed. But in the end I did it, not knowing the outcome...I needed to know how much she means to me. I needed to see my world and myself without her in it, so that I can appreciate her, the way a friend of her caliber deserves to be appreciated.
She's my Best Friend and I've realized now that I've been drowning without. Not only is she back in my life, saving me again...but soon I'll be able to hug her, cry with her and tell her to her face how much I truly love and appreciate her.
I can't wait!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Bill Maher
I love Bill Maher, he makes a lot of sense! And even though I don't always agree with him, I do have to say that most of the time he is completely on point. So as I was listening to his show last Friday night I heard him say that we don't have any privacy anymore, not when we put everything about ourselves out there for the world to see. Yes, it's true...personally I have two blogs, a twitter account and a Facebook page. I try not to put too much stuff online...for example, I don't talk about my feminine issues or cycles, because I don't feel it's appropriate or necessary for the world to know about it. Although there are some women who do.
Any who, this statement (although I've heard variations of it before) made me think. Am I putting to much information about myself on the World Wide Web? I have this blog, which I've called my diary and I have a prayer blog. I knew when I started that this place, my place, would be just that. And if people read it then great...but it was for me. When I started my prayer blog, it was to stop writing only about the angry and to start writing out my willingness to ask God for help. I can honestly say I started the prayer blog to be a shared experience. There's power in prayer, and if people can see that someone in the world is going through the same thing as them maybe they can find hope in that.
I talk about all kinds of crap on twitter and I use fb to connect to friends I don't get to see all the time. So, I don't know if I'm sharing too much. What I do know is that once I put something on the net it won't go away and it may at some point come back to haunt me. But if I'm honest with what I put out there, if it's what I'm feeling at that time, no matter how harsh or politically incorrect then I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of it. Because it's my truth.
Thanks Bill for making me think and for reaffirming my feelings.
Any who, this statement (although I've heard variations of it before) made me think. Am I putting to much information about myself on the World Wide Web? I have this blog, which I've called my diary and I have a prayer blog. I knew when I started that this place, my place, would be just that. And if people read it then great...but it was for me. When I started my prayer blog, it was to stop writing only about the angry and to start writing out my willingness to ask God for help. I can honestly say I started the prayer blog to be a shared experience. There's power in prayer, and if people can see that someone in the world is going through the same thing as them maybe they can find hope in that.
I talk about all kinds of crap on twitter and I use fb to connect to friends I don't get to see all the time. So, I don't know if I'm sharing too much. What I do know is that once I put something on the net it won't go away and it may at some point come back to haunt me. But if I'm honest with what I put out there, if it's what I'm feeling at that time, no matter how harsh or politically incorrect then I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of it. Because it's my truth.
Thanks Bill for making me think and for reaffirming my feelings.
Understanding
Sometimes we just have to own up to what we've done. Apologize for it and move ahead. It won't always work out for us, but sometimes...if there's enough love, respect and appreciation it will.
I walked away from perhaps the most special relationship I had last year and in doing so I made a decision that changed me...but after realizing that I really do need this person in my life I tried my best to rekindle it...I didn't know what to think...but I hoped that the person on the receiving end would feel the way I was feeling.
Turns out, I was right...and my friendship is back. To be rebuilt, it will take time but we have the rest of our lives to build it back to where it was before.
I missed my best friend, and now she's back in my life. I was the one who pushed her away, but forgiveness is powerful and love is sweet.
I walked away from perhaps the most special relationship I had last year and in doing so I made a decision that changed me...but after realizing that I really do need this person in my life I tried my best to rekindle it...I didn't know what to think...but I hoped that the person on the receiving end would feel the way I was feeling.
Turns out, I was right...and my friendship is back. To be rebuilt, it will take time but we have the rest of our lives to build it back to where it was before.
I missed my best friend, and now she's back in my life. I was the one who pushed her away, but forgiveness is powerful and love is sweet.
The Royal Wedding
I'm a girl who grew up watching Princess Movies...my favorite princess to this day is Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty. When the movie the "Princess Diaries" came out in 2001, my mom bought the VHS for me (I was 22). I remember watching the Wedding of Charles and Diana...they married in 81, I was 2. I'm saying all this to set up the fact that I'm one of those girls who hoped (and lets face it still does) that a handsome prince would look my way, sweep me off to his castle and place a tiara on my head. I don't even need to be queen, just a princess in fancy dresses and pretty crowns.
So the fact that there is a royal wedding coming...not only that but the wedding of a prince to a common girl makes me happy. I can't wait to get up at 2:30 in the morning and watch this wedding. Watch this girl become a princess. Am I too excited...I don't think so. It's a wedding and a fairy tale wrapped up into one! It's a lovely story and I'm all for it. Some people won't get it, some will. I already know which one of my FB friends will be tuning in and I fully plan on tweeting and booking throughout...
As I learn (I admit obsessively) about these two folks, I've found that no matter how "Crazed" other people around me may think I am about this wedding I'm not THAT crazy. A woman in Mexico was on a hunger strike until she got an invitation to the wedding (not sure if she's still striking) there are mobile phone covers, and I just found a full on refrigerator cover that feature the love birds...okay, I'll look at pictures of them on the Internet but I'm not putting them on my phone or refrigerator, and I'm definitely not giving up food for an invite. Not when I can watch it on television with popcorn and m&m's.
This, as far as I look at it, is hope...there's always hope in love. There's always hope in two people coming together to pledge themselves to each other forever. There's always hope in the future when people are willing to take a step to become a united front, no matter what other's think. It wouldn't matter to me if this was just a regular wedding....the fact that it's a ROYAL WEDDING is just a bonus!
So if you want to know where I'll be on the morning of April 29, 2011...it's in front of my TV watching BBC American and wishing well to these two Love Birds as their journey in marriage begins.
Where will you be?
So the fact that there is a royal wedding coming...not only that but the wedding of a prince to a common girl makes me happy. I can't wait to get up at 2:30 in the morning and watch this wedding. Watch this girl become a princess. Am I too excited...I don't think so. It's a wedding and a fairy tale wrapped up into one! It's a lovely story and I'm all for it. Some people won't get it, some will. I already know which one of my FB friends will be tuning in and I fully plan on tweeting and booking throughout...
As I learn (I admit obsessively) about these two folks, I've found that no matter how "Crazed" other people around me may think I am about this wedding I'm not THAT crazy. A woman in Mexico was on a hunger strike until she got an invitation to the wedding (not sure if she's still striking) there are mobile phone covers, and I just found a full on refrigerator cover that feature the love birds...okay, I'll look at pictures of them on the Internet but I'm not putting them on my phone or refrigerator, and I'm definitely not giving up food for an invite. Not when I can watch it on television with popcorn and m&m's.
This, as far as I look at it, is hope...there's always hope in love. There's always hope in two people coming together to pledge themselves to each other forever. There's always hope in the future when people are willing to take a step to become a united front, no matter what other's think. It wouldn't matter to me if this was just a regular wedding....the fact that it's a ROYAL WEDDING is just a bonus!
So if you want to know where I'll be on the morning of April 29, 2011...it's in front of my TV watching BBC American and wishing well to these two Love Birds as their journey in marriage begins.
Where will you be?
Elizabeth Taylor...
died this morning and with her history and a large piece of glamour.
She was an inspiration, not just because of her talent and beauty, but also because of her heart and love for those who needed a friend when no one else would come anywhere near them.
She gave to the world until her last breathe and with it, I hope she found peace and love in return.
Ms. Elizabeth, you will be missed, always loved and forever remembered.
She was an inspiration, not just because of her talent and beauty, but also because of her heart and love for those who needed a friend when no one else would come anywhere near them.
She gave to the world until her last breathe and with it, I hope she found peace and love in return.
Ms. Elizabeth, you will be missed, always loved and forever remembered.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Searching, searching, searching for myself
finding only the things I don't like when I look in the mirror
hoping that one day I'll find beauty in myself.
But believing that there is no beauty to be found.
Moving forward in life clinging to the past
afraid to make those mistakes again,
or to allow it to happen to me again.
Loving the world but not enough to emerse myself in it
wondering everyday why people give any time to me
when I'm not sure I'd give that time to myself.
finding only the things I don't like when I look in the mirror
hoping that one day I'll find beauty in myself.
But believing that there is no beauty to be found.
Moving forward in life clinging to the past
afraid to make those mistakes again,
or to allow it to happen to me again.
Loving the world but not enough to emerse myself in it
wondering everyday why people give any time to me
when I'm not sure I'd give that time to myself.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The World is Falling Apart
I'm a Christian and as such when I see things happen in the world around me I have some automatic reactions. I generally pray for the situation, asking God to comfort, calm and protect. But then I wonder, what's really behind it.
I believe that God has the world in His hand and that he allows things to happen based on the choices we make. I also believe that some/most, if not all of these happenings are the growing pains talked about in the Book of Revelations. Because I believe that, I know that these things are only going to get worse.
Yesterday afternoon in Japan, there was a devastating earthquake, followed by a Tsunami that brought the island to it's knees. Thousands are dead and missing, with the count only growing. Millions waited with baited breath to see if the waves would affect others in the Pacific Ocean, but it seems that they were spared. I don't try to understand God (I have in the past and it doesn't get me anywhere, so I stopped). I do know that He allowed these things for a reason. To me, the reasons are clear, because we are coming close to the end of the world as we know it. Bleak days are coming...
This planet has always been plagued with earthquakes. In fact, there are thousands everyday in Southern California. Scientists believe that there was once one giant land mass that over time ripped and pulled apart due to earthquakes. Now, we are starting to see that these quakes are harder and fiercer. So are our storms, our Winter's cold and Summer's heat. Are all these things coincidence? I don't think so...it's science, it's logic. Our world, changed...we changed it.
We've polluted our skies, oceans, lakes and lands and nature has suffered. We've lost animals, we've lost people and we've lost the ability to go get clean water from anywhere. Why? for industry for progression. Hey, I'm not complaining. I have a car, cellphone, computer. I like electricity, gas, oil, hairspray, nail polish and all those other things that over time show themselves in the nature around us. I'm not complaining, but I'm logical enough to see that nature is fighting back because we've pushed it up against the wall.
I did start, this off by saying I'm a Christian, then I veered off into the science territory...that's because I think that they go hand in hand. Many (if not most) people on both sides feel like the bible is total literal. Well, Jesus spoke in story and allegory. David and Solomon spoke in song and poem. The prophets spoke of visions and sights. And though I believe the bible, I believe in the stories, I can understand that somethings aren't as literal as people take them.
We made a choice to pollute the world and the world is reacting. That's what nature does. We choose to make sex a tradeable, selfish, disgusting act (when it was meant to be meaningful, wonderful and special)...and well, nature fought back. Things mix STD's come about and now people can't even trust their spouses enough to not use a condom in the marriage bed. We've done this, God has ALLOWED it, to teach us a lesson. Instead of understanding that people are asking why God He let this happen, we have to ask our selves why WE let this happen?
I believe that God has the world in His hand and that he allows things to happen based on the choices we make. I also believe that some/most, if not all of these happenings are the growing pains talked about in the Book of Revelations. Because I believe that, I know that these things are only going to get worse.
Yesterday afternoon in Japan, there was a devastating earthquake, followed by a Tsunami that brought the island to it's knees. Thousands are dead and missing, with the count only growing. Millions waited with baited breath to see if the waves would affect others in the Pacific Ocean, but it seems that they were spared. I don't try to understand God (I have in the past and it doesn't get me anywhere, so I stopped). I do know that He allowed these things for a reason. To me, the reasons are clear, because we are coming close to the end of the world as we know it. Bleak days are coming...
This planet has always been plagued with earthquakes. In fact, there are thousands everyday in Southern California. Scientists believe that there was once one giant land mass that over time ripped and pulled apart due to earthquakes. Now, we are starting to see that these quakes are harder and fiercer. So are our storms, our Winter's cold and Summer's heat. Are all these things coincidence? I don't think so...it's science, it's logic. Our world, changed...we changed it.
We've polluted our skies, oceans, lakes and lands and nature has suffered. We've lost animals, we've lost people and we've lost the ability to go get clean water from anywhere. Why? for industry for progression. Hey, I'm not complaining. I have a car, cellphone, computer. I like electricity, gas, oil, hairspray, nail polish and all those other things that over time show themselves in the nature around us. I'm not complaining, but I'm logical enough to see that nature is fighting back because we've pushed it up against the wall.
I did start, this off by saying I'm a Christian, then I veered off into the science territory...that's because I think that they go hand in hand. Many (if not most) people on both sides feel like the bible is total literal. Well, Jesus spoke in story and allegory. David and Solomon spoke in song and poem. The prophets spoke of visions and sights. And though I believe the bible, I believe in the stories, I can understand that somethings aren't as literal as people take them.
We made a choice to pollute the world and the world is reacting. That's what nature does. We choose to make sex a tradeable, selfish, disgusting act (when it was meant to be meaningful, wonderful and special)...and well, nature fought back. Things mix STD's come about and now people can't even trust their spouses enough to not use a condom in the marriage bed. We've done this, God has ALLOWED it, to teach us a lesson. Instead of understanding that people are asking why God He let this happen, we have to ask our selves why WE let this happen?
Our Precious Little Girls
Early this week I read a tweet, it said 23 year old youngest grandmother in the world. Two things crossed my mind in that instant. 1) she was black or 2) she was from a third world country. Turns out that the world's youngest grandmother is from Romania. She was married at the age of 11 and gave birth to her first child at 12. Her daughter is now 11, married and now a mother. (I just read up on the facts and this apparently happened a couple of years ago and is now just getting attention.) Child marriage in their culture is "tradition" as the woman called it. I can't and won't judge these people. But I will say that this breaks my heart, why can't we let our kids be kids? Why can't we see that our little girls are dependent on us to protect them and keep them from "traditions" that may ultimately harm them?
Last night after seeing a facebook post I stumbled onto an article about an 11 year old girl being gang raped. The headline said that six men (minors and adults) were arrested after the minors started showing the videos they recorded of the acts on their cellphones. Once I started reading the story, it got worse...up to 20 possibly 30 different men raped this little girl, first in ones home then in an abandoned trailer. They called their friends and had more guys show up, all while recording it to show around to people.
One of the teens called the little girl and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She went and that was the end of it. Can't you imagine, what type of world are we living in? What type of people do this type of thing? I'm broken over this, my heart goes out to her she didn't deserve this, not what these men put upon her.
However, I do have one question...where was her family that she could get a call from a high school boy and she thinks it's okay to go with him and his friends? Where was her family to protect her and teach her that she is more precious than what some boy could "promise" her? Where was her family to question these men when they walked up to the door and asked for her? Why didn't anyone stop her from leaving?
These guys knew what they were going to do, they knew who to call, they knew where to take her, they knew she wouldn't have anyone to help her or question her or love her enough to stop her from leaving her house. This is a shame, this is sickening and unnecessary and terribly awful. This is our world.
Where little girls are becoming mothers, or tortured for the pleasure of men. Where women subject themselves to injections and knives and hospitals so that men might look at them. Where our pop stars walk around with no clothes on and we allow our daughters to emulate them. Where we listen to music that teach our girls that they aren't anything without a big ass, big boobs and knee pads.
This is the world we've created, and we're stuck. Because even though people are appalled after awhile everyone forgets about what happened, until it happens again.
Last night after seeing a facebook post I stumbled onto an article about an 11 year old girl being gang raped. The headline said that six men (minors and adults) were arrested after the minors started showing the videos they recorded of the acts on their cellphones. Once I started reading the story, it got worse...up to 20 possibly 30 different men raped this little girl, first in ones home then in an abandoned trailer. They called their friends and had more guys show up, all while recording it to show around to people.
One of the teens called the little girl and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She went and that was the end of it. Can't you imagine, what type of world are we living in? What type of people do this type of thing? I'm broken over this, my heart goes out to her she didn't deserve this, not what these men put upon her.
However, I do have one question...where was her family that she could get a call from a high school boy and she thinks it's okay to go with him and his friends? Where was her family to protect her and teach her that she is more precious than what some boy could "promise" her? Where was her family to question these men when they walked up to the door and asked for her? Why didn't anyone stop her from leaving?
These guys knew what they were going to do, they knew who to call, they knew where to take her, they knew she wouldn't have anyone to help her or question her or love her enough to stop her from leaving her house. This is a shame, this is sickening and unnecessary and terribly awful. This is our world.
Where little girls are becoming mothers, or tortured for the pleasure of men. Where women subject themselves to injections and knives and hospitals so that men might look at them. Where our pop stars walk around with no clothes on and we allow our daughters to emulate them. Where we listen to music that teach our girls that they aren't anything without a big ass, big boobs and knee pads.
This is the world we've created, and we're stuck. Because even though people are appalled after awhile everyone forgets about what happened, until it happens again.
The Simply Things in Life
When you don't have a place to go everyday. There's no reason to get up and get going at a reasonable time. Sometimes there's no reason to get up at all. I've been out of work for two months and I've found myself lounging for the last couple of weeks. Completely unmotivated and completely lazy. I've tried to get myself pumped to look for a job, to submit my resume and pound the pavement. I always go back to just laying around.
But with all that said, I've found myself grasping at the small happy things that come my way on a daily basis. Like right now, one of my favorite celebs is doing a twitter chat...I'm too shy to tweet something but I'm thoroughly enjoying reading the answers to other peoples questions. Yesterday, I hung out with a couple of friends and that was a wonderful time.
I know this may all sound stupid, but these things are making me smile. These things and catching up on past episodes of Army Wives via the Internet. I'm not really concerned with money right now, because God has provided for the essentials I need to pay for without having to burden my family. But I know that I'm going to have to get off my butt and go find some work.
I believe it in my heart that God's got everything set for me, just waiting on his perfect timing to make it all fit. Until then, I'll just keep fighting against laziness and hopefully I'll win a round or two.
Until Next Time...
But with all that said, I've found myself grasping at the small happy things that come my way on a daily basis. Like right now, one of my favorite celebs is doing a twitter chat...I'm too shy to tweet something but I'm thoroughly enjoying reading the answers to other peoples questions. Yesterday, I hung out with a couple of friends and that was a wonderful time.
I know this may all sound stupid, but these things are making me smile. These things and catching up on past episodes of Army Wives via the Internet. I'm not really concerned with money right now, because God has provided for the essentials I need to pay for without having to burden my family. But I know that I'm going to have to get off my butt and go find some work.
I believe it in my heart that God's got everything set for me, just waiting on his perfect timing to make it all fit. Until then, I'll just keep fighting against laziness and hopefully I'll win a round or two.
Until Next Time...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Only the Lonely
Jobless...I find myself trying to keep up with my New Year goals...one of which is investing in my friendships. I have had a couple of lunches and hang outs with friends over the last couple of months but I still feel lonely in the friend department. It's not for lack of everyone trying. I think this is just a state of mind that I'm in right now. Just the weight of not working and being home with no daily interaction with people other than my family.
I don't know, I feel like I'm hitting an area of life where I'm standing on the edge of a knife...I can fall clear or slide down and get all cut up. It's weird, and this loneliness hits a odd times. I miss people and I miss my working self. But for now God has me here waiting on him and learning about myself. I guess this is another step in my walk, discovering what really makes me tik and what really makes me me.
But it's definitely a lonely process to go through.
I don't know, I feel like I'm hitting an area of life where I'm standing on the edge of a knife...I can fall clear or slide down and get all cut up. It's weird, and this loneliness hits a odd times. I miss people and I miss my working self. But for now God has me here waiting on him and learning about myself. I guess this is another step in my walk, discovering what really makes me tik and what really makes me me.
But it's definitely a lonely process to go through.
I'm back...
Tried to do the Tumblr blog thing...I didn't really like it and I couldn't really get into it.
When I don't wrte here its because I have nothing to say, over there I just didn't want to say anything...difference is. The grass wasn't greener!
So I'm back...to the OG blog in my heart!
When I don't wrte here its because I have nothing to say, over there I just didn't want to say anything...difference is. The grass wasn't greener!
So I'm back...to the OG blog in my heart!
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Wrapping Up 2010
For me 2010 started out on a very happy note. I had reconnected with some friends and was experiencing new things (like a day in the snow...which was wonderful). The year flowed it's merry way into the months but as suddenly as I was happy at the end of 09 and the beginning of 10, that's how fast my year became bleak, hard and downright miserable around March. I'm not really sure what happened...I guess it was many things. Realizing that I wasn't happy, realizing that God wanted me to go places, do things and let go of certain people so that I could move on. Dealing with the disappointment of an unsatisfying home life, social life and job. Just knowing in my heart that where I was was not where I wanted (or was supposed) to be. All came crashing down on me at once.
I ran away from my best friend, lost the person I most loved to talk to, to a new job in a different city. I discovered that no matter what I do in life my father hates me and always will. By the summer I was done. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die (or hide under my covers). I did what I thought I could about all the situations at hand. I became an adult and handled things as best I knew how. I got through "the valley" as I called it and came out the other side...Only to be kicked in the stomach work wise...
Then I realized something about this journey, this year...2010. The year that sucked sucked because I needed to learn some things. I need to learn about myself and the people around me. I needed to weed out my relationships and find new ones. I needed to lean on God and not do it all myself. So when October came around and I was blindsided by other people's agendas I didn't take it personal, I took it as God again taking charge and giving me something I needed, something better, that will help me to further understand myself.
2010 wasn't all bad...I began my adventure with Mary Kay and I gained some new friends. I learned a lot and though I did have to say good bye and my heart was broken I understand that there were reasons for all of it. Something I wouldn't have understood before.
So, now that the year is over and I see a whole new one in front of me my goal is to end the year the same way I started it...by being happy. I want to be able to look back and say, "it wasn't all easy, it wasn't all fun. But through it all I was happy."
I ran away from my best friend, lost the person I most loved to talk to, to a new job in a different city. I discovered that no matter what I do in life my father hates me and always will. By the summer I was done. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die (or hide under my covers). I did what I thought I could about all the situations at hand. I became an adult and handled things as best I knew how. I got through "the valley" as I called it and came out the other side...Only to be kicked in the stomach work wise...
Then I realized something about this journey, this year...2010. The year that sucked sucked because I needed to learn some things. I need to learn about myself and the people around me. I needed to weed out my relationships and find new ones. I needed to lean on God and not do it all myself. So when October came around and I was blindsided by other people's agendas I didn't take it personal, I took it as God again taking charge and giving me something I needed, something better, that will help me to further understand myself.
2010 wasn't all bad...I began my adventure with Mary Kay and I gained some new friends. I learned a lot and though I did have to say good bye and my heart was broken I understand that there were reasons for all of it. Something I wouldn't have understood before.
So, now that the year is over and I see a whole new one in front of me my goal is to end the year the same way I started it...by being happy. I want to be able to look back and say, "it wasn't all easy, it wasn't all fun. But through it all I was happy."
Totally Copying
So I read perezhilton.com everyday, but he also has a fashion blog and a health blog, which I usually don't read. A couple of weeks ago I thought I'd look at his fashion blog to see what was going on and I found something very cool. A fashion stylist whose worked for several big names decided to start an experiment with fashion and Walmart. I look up her blog and checked out some of her combinations and realized...I can do that to.
I'm cheap (well, broke) and I need to find clothes I can wear that are well...price wise cheap. I know that because I'm spending less I will be getting less. But I take good care of my clothes and as long as I'm not playing tackle football I should be fine. Besides, sometimes you can buy items for 50 to 100 bucks that are as cheap as items for 15 to 30.
So I'm going to start my own little fashion experiment but totally copying someone else's idea. Hey she wouldn't have started the blog if she didn't what to impart this knowledge on others right?
Good shopping to all!
P.S. last week I scored 97 cent jeans at Old Navy....pure awesomeness!
I'm cheap (well, broke) and I need to find clothes I can wear that are well...price wise cheap. I know that because I'm spending less I will be getting less. But I take good care of my clothes and as long as I'm not playing tackle football I should be fine. Besides, sometimes you can buy items for 50 to 100 bucks that are as cheap as items for 15 to 30.
So I'm going to start my own little fashion experiment but totally copying someone else's idea. Hey she wouldn't have started the blog if she didn't what to impart this knowledge on others right?
Good shopping to all!
P.S. last week I scored 97 cent jeans at Old Navy....pure awesomeness!
Monday, January 03, 2011
Yay New Year!
Welcome to 2011!
I'm very happy about all the possibilities that await me in this new year.
I have a feeling that things will go well this year. It won't be a breeze or a walk through the park, but I think I'll be happier and merrier throughout! I'm not going to let anyone kill my happiness this year.
I can't control other peoples mood, thoughts, hearts and words, but I can control mine.
I hope you have a wonderful, happy and blessed year!
I'm very happy about all the possibilities that await me in this new year.
I have a feeling that things will go well this year. It won't be a breeze or a walk through the park, but I think I'll be happier and merrier throughout! I'm not going to let anyone kill my happiness this year.
I can't control other peoples mood, thoughts, hearts and words, but I can control mine.
I hope you have a wonderful, happy and blessed year!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Resolutions for 2011
I posted previously about my resolutions and how I was making realistic ones that I can accomplish to make myself into a better person...well below is my list (in no particular order). Hopefully, but this time next year I'll be me, but better.
1. Do things I commit to
2. Be on Time
3. Wear some kind of make up daily
4. Wear more skirts or dresses
5. Stick on a budget
6. Stop going against my better judgement.
7. Invest in my relationships.
8. Let go of things that are not working.
1. Do things I commit to
2. Be on Time
3. Wear some kind of make up daily
4. Wear more skirts or dresses
5. Stick on a budget
6. Stop going against my better judgement.
7. Invest in my relationships.
8. Let go of things that are not working.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Too Many Blogs?
I was thinking about this on my drive into work today.
"Do I have too many blogs?"
I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?
With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.
"Do I have too many blogs?"
I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?
With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Posts that aren't meant to be shared
I use this blog for my personal sanity. I write about all aspects of my life and tell the truth. My posts vary from rants and venting to clearly thought out ideals and opinions to just free-flow poetry. Half the time I log on to don't know what I'm going to write or even if what I write will be posted.
Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.
That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.
Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.
That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.
New Year...big decisions
In a few days, this year known as 2010 will pass into history and leave us at the brink of a new decade and year with endless possibilities. This newness really only lasts about a month and then the routine of life settles in and we become the sheep of old. We go on with work, church, partying, sports, friends, family and life! We break every resolution we've made and turn our back on the promises we try our best to forget. I know this because it happens every year and every year we pretend to feel bad about it then move on with whatever is in front of us.
At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!
At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted.
I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!
Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted.
I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Her Credibility?
The following rant was brought on by a headline I just read. It's regarding the woman who was sent voice mails by Brett Farve. The headline read "Lawyer: Jenn Sterger's 'credibility is not up for sale in Brett Favre probe". I didn't read the article, but I'm going to comment on this trend of blaming the woman.
Okay, I get it. Some women have 'Cried Wolf', some have lied to get money, revenge or just lime light and some still have lied just to satisfy something inside of them. But not every woman is a liar. Not every woman makes up stories to get her name in the paper or millions of dollars in hush money. Not all women are whores, who do one thing then call it something else later. So let's not treat all women that way.
I've heard the voice mails, I've even read that he admitted to leaving them. So why would this young woman's creditability be called into question? Why, if she chose to not involve herself with this one man is she being put on the hot seat when she did nothing wrong in this situation? It doesn't matter if she was a virgin or if she slept with the whole team, she didn't want this one guy so now she has to be put on blast?
This is the man thing to do! We see this man...one of the kings of his sport (who at the time of the voice mails was THE king) being rejected by some woman. So she must be doing this for some ulterior motive right? I don't know, I don't think so. But the questions are all thrown at her. No one has asked why this long married man and father was trying to get a much younger woman to come to his room. No one has asked or said that this is indeed sexual harassment. If all the information released is proven true then this is a case of sexual harassment...what then will society have to say...oh wait, I bet I know!
They'll find every man this woman has dated, slept with or even had a passing glance at in a coffee shop. They'll get them all to talk about her like a dog and then they'll say (of course without using the words) that she's a whore and deserved to be treated this way. No, that's wrong...how can we flip a u-turn like that?When did the victim become the perpetrator? I understand being guilty in the court of public opinion but he is the one that should be guilty not her.
Okay, I get it. Some women have 'Cried Wolf', some have lied to get money, revenge or just lime light and some still have lied just to satisfy something inside of them. But not every woman is a liar. Not every woman makes up stories to get her name in the paper or millions of dollars in hush money. Not all women are whores, who do one thing then call it something else later. So let's not treat all women that way.
I've heard the voice mails, I've even read that he admitted to leaving them. So why would this young woman's creditability be called into question? Why, if she chose to not involve herself with this one man is she being put on the hot seat when she did nothing wrong in this situation? It doesn't matter if she was a virgin or if she slept with the whole team, she didn't want this one guy so now she has to be put on blast?
This is the man thing to do! We see this man...one of the kings of his sport (who at the time of the voice mails was THE king) being rejected by some woman. So she must be doing this for some ulterior motive right? I don't know, I don't think so. But the questions are all thrown at her. No one has asked why this long married man and father was trying to get a much younger woman to come to his room. No one has asked or said that this is indeed sexual harassment. If all the information released is proven true then this is a case of sexual harassment...what then will society have to say...oh wait, I bet I know!
They'll find every man this woman has dated, slept with or even had a passing glance at in a coffee shop. They'll get them all to talk about her like a dog and then they'll say (of course without using the words) that she's a whore and deserved to be treated this way. No, that's wrong...how can we flip a u-turn like that?When did the victim become the perpetrator? I understand being guilty in the court of public opinion but he is the one that should be guilty not her.
Thanksgiving
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for so many families this is a day of love, respect and togetherness. For others, not so much....
I come from the not so side of this equation. My family has never been one to have a calm holiday. Whether it's a drunken fight or an attitude run amuck. Things don't ever end on a good note. So as we prepare for the first Thanksgiving dinner at our house in almost a decade, I live in fear of the malice that will undoubtedly sweep through and land on me. With my stomach in knots and my expectations low I go into another Thanksgiving wishing I had to work.
I come from the not so side of this equation. My family has never been one to have a calm holiday. Whether it's a drunken fight or an attitude run amuck. Things don't ever end on a good note. So as we prepare for the first Thanksgiving dinner at our house in almost a decade, I live in fear of the malice that will undoubtedly sweep through and land on me. With my stomach in knots and my expectations low I go into another Thanksgiving wishing I had to work.
Monday, November 22, 2010
To Sing or Not to Sing
I've been singing since I was little. When you're little you don't know what you're doing is a talent...you just do it. So it wasn't until I was in 5th grade that I was told I could actually sing well. My dad, being a musician, could have told me this but he never did. (I think that has a lot to do with the fact that he doesn't see me, but that's another post). Instead a teacher informed me of my natural talent and he has been the person who, since the fifth grade, has encouraged and greatly influenced me in my singing journey.
When I was 18 this teacher left his old church to become worship leader at a new one. He asked if I would come to the church to help with worship and for the next seven years that's what I did. But as a "spiritual baby" in the church I started to sing, not because my heart was right with God, but because I wanted the praise I got from others. My flesh craved the attention this talent brought me from the people around me. The admiration, the joy and the pride.
A couple of years into my worship experience I went to a conference and took a dance class. The teacher told us we shouldn't accept the praise for ourselves but for God. After that I tried and failed repeatedly to reconcile my hunger for praise with what I knew in my heart was right. That I should be doing this for God not for myself. Over the years my ideals on worship began to change and my walk with God became ever increasingly strained. In the end I found a way to walk away. I got a job that required me to work weekends and I gladly took it and worked Sundays without a care in the world.
After leaving that job I started to rebuild my relationship with God but I didn't go back to worship. In fact, I rejected it entirely. I felt put upon and guilted into it. The truth was I was jaded and unfeeling when it came to worship because deep down that's how I felt about God.
I have this way of knowing that something I've given up is good for me when I don't miss it. In the almost 3 years of not doing worship I haven't missed it at all. So that tells me something!
As my relationship with God has evolved my thoughts of singing have too. I no longer long to be in the spotlight or on the stage. I am content to sit back and let others do it. If I'm asked to help sing for a good cause I wouldn't hesitate to do it, but I'm not in any hurry nor do I want to do it regularly.
When I was 18 this teacher left his old church to become worship leader at a new one. He asked if I would come to the church to help with worship and for the next seven years that's what I did. But as a "spiritual baby" in the church I started to sing, not because my heart was right with God, but because I wanted the praise I got from others. My flesh craved the attention this talent brought me from the people around me. The admiration, the joy and the pride.
A couple of years into my worship experience I went to a conference and took a dance class. The teacher told us we shouldn't accept the praise for ourselves but for God. After that I tried and failed repeatedly to reconcile my hunger for praise with what I knew in my heart was right. That I should be doing this for God not for myself. Over the years my ideals on worship began to change and my walk with God became ever increasingly strained. In the end I found a way to walk away. I got a job that required me to work weekends and I gladly took it and worked Sundays without a care in the world.
After leaving that job I started to rebuild my relationship with God but I didn't go back to worship. In fact, I rejected it entirely. I felt put upon and guilted into it. The truth was I was jaded and unfeeling when it came to worship because deep down that's how I felt about God.
I have this way of knowing that something I've given up is good for me when I don't miss it. In the almost 3 years of not doing worship I haven't missed it at all. So that tells me something!
As my relationship with God has evolved my thoughts of singing have too. I no longer long to be in the spotlight or on the stage. I am content to sit back and let others do it. If I'm asked to help sing for a good cause I wouldn't hesitate to do it, but I'm not in any hurry nor do I want to do it regularly.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Young Men
I see a young black man walking down the street and I prejudge him. It all depends on his clothing and the way he carries himself. Some I look at and think, he's going down the wrong path and other's I get the...I feel sorry for them. Why? Because I'm not the only person judging these young men.
My younger brother, an upstanding man, who wouldn't intentionally harm anyone, is one of these young black men who people will judge based on a glance. He's never been in trouble, has a job, goes to school and church. By all accounts he's a fierce friend who is loved by all and still people will judge him because he's a black man.
Young black men (not only in this country but all over the world) are looked at differently. Some with loathing, some with distrust and still others with shame. Do they deserve it? I have to ask myself this question because I too find that I clutch my purse tighter, check my car doors and sometimes even walk to the other side of the street when I see a black man coming. Why?
I know why and yes, I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm more ashamed because my behavior affects someone I love extremely. Someone I couldn't live without and I know that one day the general negative ideals that I hold are held by many who would do anything to hurt by brother, who is a black man.
My younger brother, an upstanding man, who wouldn't intentionally harm anyone, is one of these young black men who people will judge based on a glance. He's never been in trouble, has a job, goes to school and church. By all accounts he's a fierce friend who is loved by all and still people will judge him because he's a black man.
Young black men (not only in this country but all over the world) are looked at differently. Some with loathing, some with distrust and still others with shame. Do they deserve it? I have to ask myself this question because I too find that I clutch my purse tighter, check my car doors and sometimes even walk to the other side of the street when I see a black man coming. Why?
I know why and yes, I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm more ashamed because my behavior affects someone I love extremely. Someone I couldn't live without and I know that one day the general negative ideals that I hold are held by many who would do anything to hurt by brother, who is a black man.
Giving Thanks
Every so often I like to give a Thank You shout out to all the people who have been encouragements to me. 2010 has been a rough year for me emotionally and I have to Thank so folks who have really taken care of me when I needed it.
So to those of you mentioned below know that you friendship, kindness and love mean more to me than I could ever express. My heart is full of love because you have shown me that God provides love to His people from the most unlikely of sources when it's most needed.
Jacquie Brooke Maressa
Kristen Sam Randy Sr.
Kristi Danae Nate
Melissa Kevin Rand
Mr. Randal Jennifer Norms
Thank You
So to those of you mentioned below know that you friendship, kindness and love mean more to me than I could ever express. My heart is full of love because you have shown me that God provides love to His people from the most unlikely of sources when it's most needed.
Jacquie Brooke Maressa
Kristen Sam Randy Sr.
Kristi Danae Nate
Melissa Kevin Rand
Mr. Randal Jennifer Norms
Thank You
Monday, November 08, 2010
Freedom
I have this desire...this theme that, as of late, has continued to arise in my mind and thoughts the more I encounter the newness around me. It's not a new desire...it's a passion that I've always wondered if I should try to pursue. I'm thinking that I should. I think that I just need to hunker down and do what my heart is telling me to. I just need to dedicate myself to it. Throw myself into it and just live it everyday in every way possible.
Whether something comes from it or not, this is something I need to do for myself. I have a feeling that this small thing will change me forever. I'm tired of making excuses I'm tired of settling for what other people expect of me. I just need to do things my way and not worry about it at all...
Freedom, I see you calling me and I choose now to follow you.
Whether something comes from it or not, this is something I need to do for myself. I have a feeling that this small thing will change me forever. I'm tired of making excuses I'm tired of settling for what other people expect of me. I just need to do things my way and not worry about it at all...
Freedom, I see you calling me and I choose now to follow you.
To Trust or Not to Trust
The number one way to lose my respect is to lie. That's it, if you lie to me I'm more or less done with you. I see no reason to have people in my life who are going to lie to me. I mean this in all aspects of my life...family, friends, church, work etc...everything. I see lying as the complete and utter lack of respect for the person you are lying too. Sometimes people say it's okay to lie...but I don't see it that way.
I tend to be a good lie detector, if I don't know you're lying to me right away I usually figure it out quite quickly and I act according. I have dropped relationships and left jobs because I've been lied to. And again I find myself in this situation. Not only am I being lied to, I'm being lied about . That sort of thing is not healthy and I'm not happy about it. I think that being lied to part is because the person doing the lying doesn't have a real answer to give me. But the being lied about is the straw and the camels back has been broken.
I don't know what my next move is because quite honestly I don't know what God what's me to do. I know what my human flesh, my heart and soul want, but if it's not in line with what God wants it's not going to work. So right now I'm weeding through the lies I've been told. Trusting that God has my back and that I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I can only pray and hope that this path is what and where God wants me. I believe that if he wants for me the same that my heart longs for then I will know it straight away.
I tend to be a good lie detector, if I don't know you're lying to me right away I usually figure it out quite quickly and I act according. I have dropped relationships and left jobs because I've been lied to. And again I find myself in this situation. Not only am I being lied to, I'm being lied about . That sort of thing is not healthy and I'm not happy about it. I think that being lied to part is because the person doing the lying doesn't have a real answer to give me. But the being lied about is the straw and the camels back has been broken.
I don't know what my next move is because quite honestly I don't know what God what's me to do. I know what my human flesh, my heart and soul want, but if it's not in line with what God wants it's not going to work. So right now I'm weeding through the lies I've been told. Trusting that God has my back and that I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I can only pray and hope that this path is what and where God wants me. I believe that if he wants for me the same that my heart longs for then I will know it straight away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)