Seasons...today

   This morning, one of my first thoughts as I set out on my morning train ride was the word SEASONS. Dropped into my brain like a fleeting little ladybug, it came and went before I could even really form a thought about it. Am I in a season (yes, duh)? At the beginning or end....or right smack in the middle? I'm not really sure, anything could be around the corner or off in the distance...it's not for me to know really. My train ride progressed as normal and I came into my office...listening to music something triggered another song in my head. "Seasons Change" By Crystal Lewis, I hummed it as I went to the Hillsong Connected Website only to stumble upon a blog that was talking about...you guess it...Seasons! Is God trying to tell me something or am I just grasping at straws?

   I'm starting to settle, I've felt stressed, defeated and stagnant in the last few months...but now I'm starting to feel like I'm settling into a place. Not fully comfortable, but acceptable. There are still things I want, still things that are being juggled and completely out of my control, but so much of life is...the only difference is I'm staring at these things while the balls are bouncing in the air waiting, with bated breath, to see if one will fall. I know God's in control and I know that this season...that feels never ending...will change. Sooner or later I'll be staring at something else trying to make decisions, satisfy curiosities and trying to keep my feet firm. That's how seasons are...to quote the song

    "Seasons change and then they pass,
      no way to know how long they'll last
      I'd love to know the reason why, but
      God Knows...Seasons Change"

   Yes, it's that simple...God knows and so, I don't need to worry. But I am curious, why today of all days am I being queued into the Season I'm in now? To enjoy it? To seek the new season or to rest in the knowledge that this one isn't over yet? Whatever the answer, my eyes, ears and heart are open now and I'm waiting intently to see what God is up to. I have HIGH HOPES...some of which I feel I'll have to wait longer for...but whatever and whenever that season comes I hope to be ready. And whatever or whenever the next season stumbles upon me I hope that I'm ready for it too.

   It may be harder, it may be lighter...but it's mine and whatever it brings I know that God will be in it with me...cause He knows...Seasons Change!

   Have a Wonderful Weekend!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Healing a Friendship

   I had a friendship, years ago the friendship ended because I was slighted. I was more than justified in several different ways to upset, hurt and ultimately done with the friendship. Over the past few years it's been a bit of a laugh to see that the person I am not friends with is a bit of a stalker. And that even after I blatantly refused her attempt at rekindling our friendship she is still, in her own way, trying to get to me. The circumstances of the demise of our friendship don't matter...what does is the fact that I just couldn't carry on having a friendship with someone who wouldn't take the time to see that I was hurt and apologize for the hurt they caused. When I simply stated in as articulate a way as I could how upset I was, she turned it into a woe-is-me party and told people we both knew lies about me. Basically turning a group of people against me because she couldn't be bothered to not only keep it between us, but to tell the truth of the matter.
    There have been a few emails exchanged between us over the years, each time I have told the truth of how I feel and tried to move on, but whenever I turn my head there she is. That's fine...I don't have a problem with her truly...I understand where she comes from and as sad as I once was about the end of our friendship, I now know that it was for the best.
    The other day I was told that she has been praying that we may reestablish our friendship and begin speaking again. I dismissed this notion, but  eventually started to think about how that was reflecting on me. Aren't we called to forgive? Yes! Isn't this staunch stance against her causing me emotional distress while she lives her life? Yes, I'm the only one I'm hurting. Not forgiving her, whether she apologizes or not(she won't because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong) is not helping me, it's only hurting me. So why don't I just forgive her? Well, I have! I forgive her for treating me like I was not her friend, for turning people against me with lies and for ultimately disregarding my feelings with her selfishness. I'm done with holding a grudge over someone who doesn't deserve that much of my time.
     So I forgive you Debbie! And I release this pressure I have held onto to be mad at you. It's over, I'm done...it's not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy. I hope and pray that you're life, marriage and family are blessed everyday! May God be with you...always a comfort and support.

     As I walk away from this grudge, I begin once more to move on to something better. Does this forgiveness mean I want to have a renewed friendship with her? NO, the trust we once had is gone, the support I thought we had for one another is no more and those things aren't coming back anytime soon. So, I walk on with a clear conscience and a blessing...but the Friendship we once had, will never be again.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

In Love with the Idea

Photography
I've always wanted to be a photographer. Since I was little, I've known I wanted to capture interesting pictures for other people to see. Of course, as a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I told people the usual doctor, lawyer, teacher. Those are the standards aren't they? But I never felt smart enough to be a doctor and I was never really interested in being a lawyer. Of course, there are days when I'd love to be a teacher, but that requires school which I frankly don't really want to deal with. Photography however, still burns somewhere within me. When I see great photographs, whether they be editorial or fashion, I get the pang of a missing life element in my body. I never shared my desire to be a photographer (despite having a blog in which I share very personal feelings I am actually very shy and hold things very close to my heart not revealing them to anyone, even those closest to me), so no one ever knew how much I wanted to explore the world from behind a lens.
   I remember sitting in a cafe watching a photographer and a model as they took some shots by the window. I thought "that's what I should be doing, but it's to late". I was 20, stuck in the workforce with no where to go but back to work. Hopeless, tired and sad. In some ways I still feel that way, but then I wonder whats really holding me back?
   About 5 years ago I bought a Canon AE-1 film camera. I wanted to take some photography classes but getting into the local community college to even try to register was a hassle (it required taking a placement test and meeting with a school guidance counselor), needless to say I didn't take any classes, but I did start to snap. I learned, by trail and error, to use my camera and enjoyed it very much. Still it never became the passion I thought it would. I never got the longing or need to have my camera with me all the time. I never set out on a day of film and sun. I never set out to do the work. I can blame that on many things but laziness is at the top...followed closely by fear.
    I had grand ideas and aspirations. I thought I'd be out exploring on weekends, trying this and that...start with Scenery and landscapes...then move to buildings, the ocean and people. That didn't happen. It wasn't the lack of passion, but the lack of drive. I know I'm the only one who's suffering because of it. I don't look at my camera and think let's go...I look at it and think, what if?
   I want to change that, I want to actually get my butt and my camera in gear. I say that and dream that, but don't do it. There's a sequence in the movie "The Women" (the remake) in which Meg Ryan's character goes off to find what she wants in life...she (dramatically) pulls out her camera out and with it begins to walk around New York taking pictures  of what inspires her she and start posting them (along with her sketches) on to a mood board. She goes all over NEW York snapping and adding the photos to her collection. Eventually she finds what she wants...I think of doing that myself. Of discovering who I am through the lens of my camera, but I'm wondering, Is it the idea of photography what I love so much or is it the actual process? I don't know and I'll never know...not unless I get off my butt and do something about it. Until I stop looking at my camera with what ifs and start looking at it with let's go explore.
   Now, I just have to get my camera back (that's another story)

   Until Next Time
   ~m

I can see clearly now....

I'm still thoroughly mad and ultimately very hurt
but, what I have realized is I'm the only person who's hurt by all of this.

I'm not going on about my feelings to stir up sympathy
or to have people feel sorry for me.
In fact, I don't really expect any of that.
concern is fleeting.

Anyway, I'm clear today.
no tears, just forward progress
there's no reason for me to dwell
on the things I now know aren't real.

It's time to focus on what is
that's life
good, bad and ugly
it's also me.
here present and trying to understand
what this life is all about.

I'm not going to worry about what
anyone but myself
because all people ever do is disappoint.

It'll get better and I'll learn hard lessons
but in the end I will be better
because you have to travel through the dark
to appreciate when you're in the light.

Broken heart or not

Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Compassion

   No matter what I try to say I'm not the most compassionate person on the planet, honestly, my compassion levels are near empty, especially with people I don't like. My attitude has always been such that if/when I'm done with you, I'm done. I have no further need for you, so your hardships and strife don't really concern or phase me. I may hear about it, be forced by politeness to act like I'm concerned, but once that time has past my reality sets in and I don't care, not concerned and will frankly, forget about your problems. Compassion is not my strong suit.
   So today when I found out that someone at work, who has been quite sick for a while has had their leave of absence extended until the end of Summer I actually started to tear up. My heart was broken for them. My heart, already hurt from yesterdays terror (today's the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing), barely held itself together at the thought that this person is continuing to suffer from a serious illness. It's just depressing and non sensible. The reason why this is noteworthy is that I really don't care for this person. This person is a bit of a pest, a knit picker and busybody...their absence has been a bit of a blessing, but at that moment all of that was forgotten and my heart was simply broken.
   I'm on this new journey with God...I've asked him to make me into the person He wants me to be...and in the very first instance, the very first time I have a Christlike response is when I hear that a person I don't like is still suffering from illness. We thought they were getting better, but in fact, they're only getting worse. My reaction was a broken heart and a well up of tears. I didn't cry, but I was different. Because I wasn't pretending to care, I wasn't playing at upset, I was truly and genuinely upset for this person and their family.

   Yesterday, I wrote the following on facebook as my reaction to the Boston Bombings, "If we, as Christians, truly pray for our hearts to be broken by the things that break God's heart then we should all be broken right now" I never knew that this was part of my journey....

    But I guess God's ready for me to be broken and compassionate.

Maturity...not with age

   We just had a harassment training...like 2 weeks ago. We were told what was appropriate and what wasn't. For someone like me the things that offend me vary, but most times I can let it go. If I can't let it go I'll speak to the person and let them know I didn't appreciate whatever it was they did or said. Ultimately I don't see the need to go to the office admin or someone else to settle a problem when I can handle it like an adult. I feel like I have a pretty mature way of thinking about that sort of thing. Others, however, will run to the admin at the drop of a piece of paper and tell not what happened, but some tall tale that involves many things that didn't...in the end everyone ends up having issues.
   So, like I said...we had just had training...I had just sat through a training telling people to be conscious of other people's personal space, to not touch people and to generally make wise, mature decisions. I was standing at the copy machine working, a Secretary walked quietly in through the door behind me and stood right behind me trying to pull little pieces of my hair. I didn't feel her pulling my hair but I did feel the presence of someone behind me. I spun around and in one irritated breath said, please don't do that, I don't like that. She, in a very dismissive way, said that I was being grumpy. I replied I wasn't being grumpy I was being honest about something I didn't like or appreciate which is people walking up behind me in a effort to scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. She replied with well we all have things we don't like....
   We had just had training...and I instead of running to my office admin, turned and told this person I didn't like or appreciate their behavior. They dismissed and belittled it. Not a very mature way of handling the situation, which was started in a very immature way. This person is a few years older than me and has been at this place for a number of years...but still the training, the life experience have not made them mature enough to handle a situation with care. Instead they reverted to name calling and sarcasm. Despite the training, despite seeing cases involving these type of situations everyday they still acted immaturely.
    Which tells me one thing (which I already knew, but was reinforced) Maturity does not come with age.

change of direction...but not really

 this has nothing to do with anything else I'm going to write, but I really want a cheeseburger and fries right now! just thought I'd share


  A few weeks back I posted that I would be revamping this blog. At the time I thought I just meant the colour scheme and layout...but after a Sunday full of questions, prayers, and introspection I know exactly how this revamp will go.
  I'm starting on a (new) journey of spiritual awakening and identifying. I've been trying to walk with God for a long time now, but I've never actually been sure of what I was doing or self-confident enough to believe I was doing it correctly. But now, I have focus and I want to be happy and joyful. I'm trying to grow into the person God intends me to be.
  Now, I've never shied away from speaking about my relationship and journey with God on this blog, but it's about to get deeper. For some, this may not be a comfortable thing, but for me, it's a place where I've found I need to be. Because things in this life have to change. I'm not longer satisfied with being content, I want more. My happiness and my life (the one I want) can only be defined by who I am...not in myself, but in God, but I have to find who I am in God before I can live it. So that's the journey I'm setting out on. I'm going to find myself in God. I'm going to let myself be spiritually bare and let God build me back up.
   There will be tears, there will probably be anger, and confusion...but my writings will be a showcase of this journey and I hope that you, my faithful readers, will walk along with me. And pray for me through it.
    I do have to say that I'll probably go on an occasional rant about the random nonsense of my day, but that's to be expected.

    If it gets too intense for you here I have started a new blog www.venturaonmymind.blogspot.com  It's about my experiences and life in my new home city. So if you're interested in lighter fare...pictures, comedy and goofiness come on over.

 
  Until Next Time

  ~m

Clueless

  Sometimes I just want to shake you and tell you to open your eyes to something other than yourself.

  No, he doesn't confide in you, probably for the same reasons I don't.
  Because you'll trivialization our feels, our intentions and our goals.
  You'll question why we want something, but not to help us think it through...to help you keeps us under your control.

  Ultimately you'll make it all about yourself and we'll be stuck just sitting there wondering why we even bought it up.

   You say you have no idea what's going on with him.
   How is it that I do?
   Maybe it's because I watch and listen and observe him. I pay attention!
   Maybe I don't badger him with questions. Maybe I sit back and when the time is right I ask him something about it.
 
   Maybe I see the calling and I'm allowing him to figure it out for himself...because that's what I would want.

   Why you haven't seen it?
   Why you haven't questioned it is baffling to me.
   It's probably because you're too busy running around trying to look busy. Or ignoring anything that doesn't have to do with what you're interested in.

   You stand here and "Complain" in your passive aggressive way thinking I'm going to be as surprised as you when you "drop" the information or you think I'll give you some sympathy.

   Your son won't give you any information about his life...but what you have failed to understand is that me, your daughter, also won't give you any information...

   but you've never really wondered why...have you?

Realizations

 
   It just dawned on me...I'm still holding on to things. It really can't be helped though. I'm trying my best to change my perspective but I still see the world through this foggy prism.
   
   I think my mother (I think both my parents) expected me to be clingy to all, text and be needy after I moved out. I haven't done that, there's been too much built up over the years, too much time spent deciding how I would handle our relationships once I was on my own. I decided that I would let the cards fall where they may, but I wasn't going to do any extras or go out of my way to repair something I didn't break.
  
    I've realized that I need to let go of the bitterness I have. I still work with my mother, I still have to see and deal with her regularly. Most of the time she's coming to chat because I'm not around to ignore her at home, but its an everyday thing. At first I was irritated, I wanted my space, but now its, a whatever situation. I can understand that she wants the communication, but I'm not so sure I want as much. I see that she misses me and apparently so does my father. But I'm not there, I'm not at the stage where I feel I need to call and speak to them everyday. I don't want to know about the madness that has kept rolling through that house. I'm just trying to get a handle on life and my direction. There are so many things I am still adjusting to, I don't have time to miss anything and I don't want to hear about the negatives, that's why I left.
  
    But all that being said, I have to change my mindset, I have to be a little more open. I need to except that they are who they are and that they will never really understand how I feel. I also need to let go so that I can move on to the bigger and better things in store for me. I need to see where a positive relationship with them can take me.
    Unfortunately, I have a feeling I'm going to end up being back where I started just 70 miles to the North.

Turning Point

   Yesterday was a turning point..
   Now I'm ready...

   I feel strong, free, happy
   No second guessing...
   No wondering if it'll work...

   There's only confidence...
   Only hope...
   Only excitement at what the future holds
   
    I'm ready to take a breath
    I'm ready to start on this journey...
    I'm ready to begin living the life I've been dreaming of
    and hoping for...
 
    My possibilities are endless...
    My outlook is grand
    My heart is joyful
    My soul is content
   
    I am blessed.

    Yesterday was the turning point...
    I'm no longer scared of what may be
    Because I know whatever it is...
    God will be beside me all the way through....

Dread and fear...

There have been many things running through my head lately. The possibility (or certainty) of my heart's desires coming into being has left me feeling a variety of emotions that run randomly through every part of me...joy, relief, anxiety, nervousness, disbelief, uncertainty. But mostly impatience...because I want it to happen already...I want to all to be over, I want to begin living the life I've always dreamed of.

I haven't deluded myself to the fact that its going to be difficult. I'll have my moments of frustration and anxiety and the total overwhelming feeling of being terrified, but I know with all my being this is what/where I'm supposed to be. I know that God is pulling the strings making things happen...finally giving me what I want.

In truth, my nervousness doesn't even lay in the decision or actions. It lays in having to deal with the reactions of my parents. And that really isn't nervousness, its dread. I dread having to deal with them. Because they won't understand, they won't care what I want...they never really have. They only care about how this will effect them, because my life has, until this point, been a series of hits and bruises that have been for no one else's good but their own.
I'm ready to begin my life the way I want it, to eat a meal with out being asked 10 times in the first five minutes how it tastes. Or being able to leave and not have to explain where I'm going and why...or hearing my father voice and being terrified he's going to explode and reduce me to tears because my brother didn't put the dishes didn't get put away or someone left a sock in the living room. But those are my hang ups, those are only things I see and experience...things that I long to get away from because they are slowly eating away at my soul. I fear that instead of being proud they will shoot down my decisions , instead of being supportive they will be negative and spiteful. I fear these things because they are what I know.

UPDATE:

I've finally told my parents about my decision and did not receive the reaction I thought I would. Instead of hostility, anger and emotional torture I got indifference, which in itself is another form of emotional torture. Basically the reaction was "whatever" and I don't feel like they support me...but that's fine, I have support. As long as they don't ruin this for me...there's really nothing else I'll ask for.

Until Next Time

Taking chances

  There are people in your life that will always try to hold you back. Some out of sheer selfishness. Some out of pure fear and still others out of their need to control you. I've encountered them all and in some instances, I myself, have been that person. At some point you just have to forget what those people say, you have to be able to weed and wade through their crap in order to see what's true for you.
 
   Now, I'm not saying you can't trust everyone, but you have to know exactly who has your best interest at heart. The people who will tell you the truth, the people who well question you, not because of their fears or insecurities, but for your own good. Those are the people I cherish, because those are the people who really allow me to grow.
 
   It's funny how those people can change when you least expect it and most need them. About a year ago that happened to me. I confided in someone I trusted, I wanted to bounce an idea off of them. I told them my hearts desire and they rejected it, made me feel nuts and thoroughly wrong. They didn't give me what I really needed, not a yes this is great, but the support I longed for. Even if they didn't think I was ready or the situation wasn't right I didn't expect the total rejection I felt.
   Looking back on that say and the person, I know that it wasn't me that they were rejecting, but it was the idea of me leaving them. This person was using my trust to undermine my instincts and my gut feeling. Giving me pause and causing me to question what I've felt for years all because they can't stand to see someone grow and move on from them. It's okay, a year later God and I are on the same page things are moving, my prayers have been answered and I understand why that person reacted the way they did. I've grown from the experience, I hope I wasn't the only one.

   Sometimes we have to just step back and look at what's best for the person...not what's best for us. We have to see them and what they are going through and when someone is asking for your support you need to support them. Giving them advice or your opinion is one thing...totally rejecting them and making them feel like crap...is another. I wasn't swayed by their lack of support, I just knew then it was time for me to find it someone else. I did...God pointed me to the people who are now my main supports...people who stand by me even when I'm crazy, they may tell me I'm wrong, but rejection has never slipped through their lips. I'm truly grateful for them.

   Until Next Time

Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!
  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.
 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

Save

  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality. 
    

I am a Christian

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Life's Not a Compeition pt 2

  I refuse to compete for your affections...

  I now know where I stand and that place is not where it should be.

  No bitterness just hurt...

  You'll never actually understand because you don't see the error...

   I refuse to play second fiddle...

   I deserve more than that...

   I will not compete for something that you can't give...

   Life's not a competition...

   I'm done...

   The end!

Life's not a competition

 
    I'm no longer going to settle for less than I deserve. No longer will I stand on the sidelines wondering and waiting. No longer will I chase and give all of myself because that's what you need. You see, I'm worth more than that...I'm worth more than being someones second. Because I was made to be someones first...

    I've always had trouble with the notion that I'm worthy...of anything. Love, support, help, love and forgiveness...but above all love. Since I was young I've told my parents (unapologetically) that they were required to love me so saying it didn't really mean much. That's always been how I felt about it. So much so, that I've been willing to share sooo much more of myself than some people really deserve. I'm loyal to a fault...even when I know that I should have walked away a while ago, I'm still here being loyal...being used!
     For me loyalty is a BIG deal. It's not just about friendship or family, it's about trust. It's about having someones back through thick and thin. It's about being there even when you don't agree with the actions being taken, but you're there because the other person needs you. There are few people in my life that have been that loyal to me...and I am now facing the reality that one more person's loyalty has faltered. Now, when I look back at it all...I see that there was never actually any there from the start. It's a sad process to go through, when you realize that what you thought you had was really a lie, not only a lie, but a lie you created, developed and nurtured all by yourself. You really are left sitting wondering "what else have I been lying to myself about?" But is that my real problem...no, although it is apart of it....
    See, the problem is being in the relationship/friendship in the first place. Knowing in my gut that something was wrong from the beginning. Knowing, seeing, acknowledging (but not fully acknowledging) that I was in a one sided relationship and that everything I was being and giving for the other person wasn't being reciprocated. Chasing a friendship I thought I needed because I thought I needed it...when in turn God was (and already had) provided me with wonderful relationships. I changed to be more like the person I was trying to be a friend to and turned into someone less like myself. I started to want, to look for and to try and achieve things that I didn't care about before because that would give us something in common. In truth, we have very little in common nothing more than I  would with someone who happens to work in the same building as me. It wasn't until I took time to step away and look at myself that I saw that everything I didn't really like about myself stemmed from me trying to fit into a mold of my own making. That's my fault (no one else to blame, no one else to be mad at). So after realizing that trying to change myself was not only making me unhappy, but was in fact, changing me into everything I don't like in others. That's when I saw what this truly was...
    I was a girl, who never really felt a strong sense of self, love or worthiness trying to find it in someone who never actually had any of those things to give in the first place. I was trying to fit into a place where I could be more like them and I became less like myself. I failed and was lost...but now, finally I see that I don't need to try and fit into that mold...I don't need to try and be that person anymore...I don't need to chase. What I need is someone to chase me.

   I want to feel wanted, appreciated, loved and respected. Worthy of all of this life I have in me...worthy of the breath in my lungs.

   So if you don't want to acknowledge my sacrifice, my selflessness because you're too busy being blinded by your own selfishness then I can't help to acknowledge that my loyalty is shifting and you aren't on the downward end of the scale.