It's Sad

You know what's sad?
When you aren't surprised anymore because you have no hope left.
That may sound weird, but if I explained the whole situation it wouldn't.

I'm not going to go into detail but I'm going to say that being surprised and then having that surprise turn to disappointment no longer seems like something that happens to me.
You see, it used to happen all the time, but I came to a conclusion in my life and since that moment...
these little surprises are just that...surprises.
There's no disappointment that follows, because I know what the outcome of my life will be...
so, you could say that biggest disappointment lies ahead of me.
In that, there's no need for the small ones to cause that feeling.

I'm sure you're more confused now then when you started reading this. So before I delve deeper into my own mind let me leave you with this.

This morning I realized I'm at the place in my life where I NEVER wanted to be...I prayed with all my heart that God would lead me in a different direction and that I wouldn't end up here...but here I stand. Prayers not answered...and in that I find my life headed to my greatest disappointment.

Until Next Time,
~m

Musings

  I friend said something in an email that has stuck with me.
 We were talking about clothes (cause she's utterly stylish and I'm not, but would like to be) she was saying that she's been in a bit of a style funk, but that she's "trying, little by little, to fashion myself the way I want to be seen"...I had never really thought about it like that before. I mean I know that how you present yourself to the world is how the world will see you, but I've never really gone deeper with it. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. Maybe it's because I'm not satisfied with how am present myself (which is something I'm trying to work on) and this, the fashion, style, clothing thing, is just an extension of that.
  Anyway, it's certainly something that has been on my mind lately. Something I've been thinking about harshly. I guess I see more opportunities and changes coming in this new year...although I'm at a true and total loss for what they may be. But whatever they are, I know that at the based level if I'm not happy with myself then I can't be happy with the changes...


   That's all I've got for now...
   Until Next Time

    ~m
 

Seasons...today

   This morning, one of my first thoughts as I set out on my morning train ride was the word SEASONS. Dropped into my brain like a fleeting little ladybug, it came and went before I could even really form a thought about it. Am I in a season (yes, duh)? At the beginning or end....or right smack in the middle? I'm not really sure, anything could be around the corner or off in the distance...it's not for me to know really. My train ride progressed as normal and I came into my office...listening to music something triggered another song in my head. "Seasons Change" By Crystal Lewis, I hummed it as I went to the Hillsong Connected Website only to stumble upon a blog that was talking about...you guess it...Seasons! Is God trying to tell me something or am I just grasping at straws?

   I'm starting to settle, I've felt stressed, defeated and stagnant in the last few months...but now I'm starting to feel like I'm settling into a place. Not fully comfortable, but acceptable. There are still things I want, still things that are being juggled and completely out of my control, but so much of life is...the only difference is I'm staring at these things while the balls are bouncing in the air waiting, with bated breath, to see if one will fall. I know God's in control and I know that this season...that feels never ending...will change. Sooner or later I'll be staring at something else trying to make decisions, satisfy curiosities and trying to keep my feet firm. That's how seasons are...to quote the song

    "Seasons change and then they pass,
      no way to know how long they'll last
      I'd love to know the reason why, but
      God Knows...Seasons Change"

   Yes, it's that simple...God knows and so, I don't need to worry. But I am curious, why today of all days am I being queued into the Season I'm in now? To enjoy it? To seek the new season or to rest in the knowledge that this one isn't over yet? Whatever the answer, my eyes, ears and heart are open now and I'm waiting intently to see what God is up to. I have HIGH HOPES...some of which I feel I'll have to wait longer for...but whatever and whenever that season comes I hope to be ready. And whatever or whenever the next season stumbles upon me I hope that I'm ready for it too.

   It may be harder, it may be lighter...but it's mine and whatever it brings I know that God will be in it with me...cause He knows...Seasons Change!

   Have a Wonderful Weekend!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

   August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Princess Tiana, Image of a Princess

   When Disney announced they were making a movie called the Princess and the Frog and it's main character would be Black a funny thing happened. A silent sound of joy came from the gut of every black girl (and her mother) who ever watched a Disney Princess movie. Its a territory we never ventured into before and I, didn't think we'd ever find ourselves in. Years later, when the marketing campaign started and merchandise started to pop up in stores, my mom told me (very seriously) that she wished they made Princess Tiana sheets in my size (Queen Size bed) because she'd buy me a full set. And I would have used them...a lot! I was 30 at the time and to most, if not all, people that exchange between mother and adult daughter would seem weird, but that's the power of image, especially in a country where the color of ones skin is still a big deal.
   I grew up watching Disney Princess movies...my favorite is Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora. I was seduced by the idea that I was enchanted and that some day a Prince would brave a dragon for me. As much as I've grown out of that thinking (or not) the fact remained, My favorite Princess was blonde with Blue eyes. Something, even if I found a Prince to brave a dragon, I'd never be. But Tiana...to look at her and see a version of me and members of my family was something special. Also, she wasn't some damsel in distress, she was spunky and trying her best to get to her dream. Fighting to make a better life for her and her mother. She just happened to stumble upon her Prince. Even then she wasn't interested, a bonus in my opinion.
   The year after black parents could point to a family other than the Cosby's for their children to look up to we got a movie that told young (and not so young) black girls that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and worthy. An image that we had never really seen before. It was a very special and humbling moment in history.
   Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because a few months back I found the above photo on Tumblr. I wanted to do a post on it then, but forgot and when I recently found it again I decided it was time. See, the first photo (which I wish I still had, but I threw it away in anger) of the park character "Princess Tiana" was not only a disappointment, but flat out enraging. Because the woman dressed in Tiana glory, was not black. If she was, she was very very light skinned, which does not match the depiction of Tiana at all! But to me, she look very Caucasian and I was very upset about it. I've worked at Disney, I've seen them march Princesses out in front of the guests with clearly ladies playing Princesses that are not the same nationality or race. For example, one day a mother walked over to me and my co-workers to complain that her daughter looked up to Jasmine, as the only "brown" Princess Jasmine was who this little girl saw in the mirror...and the person playing the Jasmine character was in fact, not brown. Her daugther, who was so excited to see her favorite burst into tears, and sat sobbing because what she saw before her wasn't who she thought it would be. I've also walked out to do a double take upon seeing Mulan who's face character was being played by a non-Chinese (or any Asian) girl. I was dumb founded and pretty sadden...because she was in "white face" (I don't know what else to called it). Her eyes and make up where done to look Chinese, but clearly she was not. I get it, the Disney face characters are hard to cast, because you have to be able to play more than one character, you have to be of a certain height and weight and you have to have perfect teeth, skin and features...yes it's hard, but Disney....LOOK HARDER! Because of this it's rare to find Mulan, Pochantas, Jasmine and Tiana walking around the parks. And if you do, more than likely she's being played by someone of a different race.
   Anyway, back to Tiana...the first photo I saw of her was a white girl in Tiana gear and I was upset...because I knew that one day soon a little black girl would walk into the park hoping to see Tiana...her Princess, standing there waiting to hug her and give her an autograph only to be disappointed and confused by the face staring back at her. Instead of having her dream/fantasy realized she'd be confronted with the "You aren't good enough" argument way to young to understand it. This picture above, unlike the first, gave me hope that Disney would get it right. That one day I'd be able to walk into the park and show my daughter not just her Princess but all of the Princesses of Color. That she'd know that she is a Princess and she's special...whatever she looks like or wherever she comes from. That she is worthy and beautiful and good enough.
   Maybe I'm putting too much stock into Princesses...and maybe someone will think I'm crazy, but for me the issue is real. For me the culture, the stereotype is real. And even the smallest little things...like a Black Disney Princess for little girls (of all colors) to look up to is a very special and very BIG DEAL!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

My World View is lacking

  I've grown up in the church, I've gone to church off and on for most of my life and from 19 to 29 I went every Sunday...every Saturday and at least once during the week. But my view of church and the body of Christ has been very limited. I've never really had a world view of the church. I mean, sure I knew that my denomination was active in other parts of the world. I knew that my church itself had an orphanage in the Sudan and as a teenager I actually took part in a fundraiser for world hunger. But still ,my world view was very narrow, very self absorbed. Not just about me, but for my church. I didn't think of other churches, most of them didn't come into my thoughts, even to pray for them. But I think that's because it wasn't something that was pushed or preached out. We occasionally partnered with another church, but it was very rare and didn't last very long.
  When I was a small kid, I only went to church on the big holidays. Then, once we moved closer, I went to church all the time with my aunt. I saw my mom read our big King James Bible, but I never heard that we should read our bibles outside of church. It wasn't something the church preached. To me, church (or God) was something we did on Sundays and the rest of the week we just did our own thing. I went to a Christian school from 5th to 9th grades, but even then the bible was only something I read for school. It wasn't until my early twenties that I REALLY understood that I should be in the bible daily and that church wasn't just a Sunday thing. That our walk, our relationship with God, was an everyday thing and church was a bonus (and maybe that's not the right wording, but work with me). So now although I've heard and in a way experienced some of the "outside" world of church, most of my Christian walk has been very segregated and held within a bubble. I tend to gravitate toward diverse churches, but still never really thought about the big worldwide church as a whole with my little church being apart of it.
   This started to fester in me a couple weeks ago. The pastor at my new church introduced us to some friends of his who had started a church in Israel, they are working toward that shining city on a hill and want to bring Christ to the middle east region. While the pastor was talking about them he mentioned that his friend had be given a fellowship to some Korean Pastor's ministry. When he mentioned the Pastor many of the folks in the sermon gasped or sighed (in a good way for both) out of recognition. In a way, it seemed like it was an honor to be asked into this man's company. I had, of course, never heard of him before but it struck a cord with me. Why do I have blinders on? Where's my world view...even for myself, not just with my church or what I think others think or know, but for me? What do I know or think about the Body of Christ and it's work outside of my comfort zone? Nothing really...why is that? Shouldn't I be praying for these missionaries who literally risk their lives to spread the Gospel? Shouldn't I care? Why hasn't this ever been something I've been taught? I have no answers for these questions...
   I know every church moves at it's own pace, every pastor is different. But I've gone from one church to another and I feel like the world has shifted. I'm now starting to think about things that have never crossed my mind before. The church I go to is different from ones I've been at before...the focus is different and it's slowly opening my eyes to different things. I've changed and grown and will continue to do so...and so too will my view on the world and the body and my place in it.
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

My Lists...

I'm a list maker,
I make a list for everything.
Partly because I'm forgetful and
partly so I have something to do.

I've been in the process of writing two separate lists for the past couple months.
but because my mind is ever changing I haven't been able to come up with a list that is satisfactory

then today,
staring at the draft of one of the lists, I realized.
it doesn't matter.
It' doesn't matter how many lists I make
or what the lists are for
none of it will happen

no matter how much I hope
or pray
or wait
or think positively about it
it's all for not

because I'm here and I'm stuck
and my lists mean nothing.
so I give up.
why make a list?
if I don't even care any more
if there's no hope left

I'll just be sitting over here
living a life of hopelessness

Finding Clarity

  God has a good sense of humor. I think he laughs all the time, I mean, we're a funny bunch of people and I think he laughs at some of our antics and silliness. But as good as his sense of humor is, he's also broken-hearted by (dare I say) most of the choices we make. (I honestly don't know where that came from, totally not the point of this post).
 
  Okay...take two!
  One of the reasons this move was so hard was because of the house I moved into. Although it is a nice place and my roommate is a sweetheart we live in two very different ways. And within a week of her being home from holiday I was praying for my own place, a place of my own without a roommate. However, God told me to wait. He very clearly told me there was a reason for my stay here and that even though I didn't understand it I would. All I had was trust and faith because I know that God had placed me in this situation for a reason and I couldn't really question it.
  Well, it has finally become very clear why I was put here, what the reasons were and why God found it fit for me to be in this place with this person. One reason was to keep me from becoming very isolated, which I can easily do. If you let me I'd become a recluse and have no real problem with it. I also think I needed to be with someone because the aloneness (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up) would have been a shock to the system. Also, I won't go into details, but this year has gotten difficult for my roommate and just when we think things are leveling out, something else happens. I think that God put me here to help her financially and emotionally. Sometimes when you hit the wall you just need someone there to make sure, even in the smallest way, that you'll get back up. I only hope that my presence, how ever small can help her in some way.
   But with all that said, I feel that God is starting to reveal more to me. After a drought and me not hearing him, I feel like he's starting to open my eyes, ears and heart again and show me these things. He's giving me information and things to look forward to. Some of them are things that I was starting to wonder about. I was curious to see if he'd really come through with them. And even though none have come to pass yet, I know that when I'm ready he will be too (or the other way around). I'm actually ready now, at least I think I am. But I'm not sure if that's truly the case. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all it in tales. and apparently He doesn't think I am either. God's timing is always perfect.

   So I'm finding things a bit more clear...I'm starting to see a direction. Now all I have to do is stay on it and keep moving. Because I know it will get harder and I know that I may fall...but I can get back up. I know with His help I can do it.

The Loneliest Day

 
Easy...Sundays.

 Or at least it use to be. Since moving my weekends have been filled with doing nothing on Saturdays and a Sunday of church and errands. Once my tasks were done, I was back home and settled in with only TV to keep me occupied I realized I was bored and lonely.

 Not so much that I was lonely in that I have no peoples to hang with (cause I do and let's face it I'm lonely even when surrounded by people). But more of the fact that these radical things are happening and I have no one to share them with. Having a profound experience at church or being completely energized with no one to help me control my inner dialogue or to bounce questions/ideas off of. I found myself stuck in a runt either dreading the following workday or lying across my bed insta-stalking people (stalking people through Instagram). I was starting to think that all these people, so I know, most I don't have these wonderful almost perfect lives. If you look at all the carefully picked, filtered and photo shopped pictures on the screen you start to get that feeling. You start to think that you're the only one who's life is a big pile of suck. On those Sunday afternoons I slowly started to dig myself into a hole wishing for other people's happiness instead of my own and wondering why my life, even in picture never looked as good as everyone else's...then I heard some very wise words.

  "If you compare your fractured life to someone else's fractured life then you will always stay fractured."

  It's not new...it may be different words, it may be put in a new/different way, but it's a sentiment I've heard before. It's just that this time the impact it made and the way it made me feel was a first. Because in that moment I knew that the Sunday afternoons sitting putting a story to someone else's pictures was slowly killing me. Although I cannot tell you whether these lives are fractured, I can tell you that whatever the circumstances they are not right for me. My life is my own, created through a unique set of circumstance, experiences, choices, traumas and tears. So whether I'm looking at someone else's perfect or fractured life I know, it wouldn't work for me because they haven't walked in my shoes (and I haven't walked in theirs).
   So I sit on my Sunday afternoons and try to figure out what I want. What I'm doing and who I am. I'm not dreaming of someone else's life...I'm dreaming of my future. Am I lonely? I don't know, that thought hasn't entered my mind. Am I bored, No not any longer. What I am is solid and content. I'm okay and right now, that's all I am asking for.

   Until Next Time

      ~m

Stumbled Upon...

this post (that's the link) I wrote in 2011.
It feels as relevant to me now as it must have when I wrote it.
So take a look at it.
I hope you understand the sentiment.
I hope you see that you are good enough.

Until Next Time

~m

Receiving Sermons

 
  I've been thinking a lot lately about Sunday sermons and how they effect me. Specifically my overall reaction to them. Since arriving in Ventura and at the City Church my response to sermons has been drastically different than it ever has been before. Spiritually, emotionally and physically the sermons have an impact on me and leave me thinking about lesson after I walk out of the church. I've been wondering if this is a product of God really speaking to me through this new place or if its simply me being more open to hearing him.
  I'll be honest, over the last few years (probably since 07-08) I've been mad with God. I've been stubborn, distant and uncooperative. So going to church, worshiping in an authentic way and really listening to the sermons wasn't a priority. It also became more and more difficult to be engaged at Marina. I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of the sermons or the worship. Listen, I'm not blaming anyone or trying to say that Marina isn't a good church with good people. I know for a fact that Marina is a wonderful church and that the worship and sermons touch and connect with lots of people, but for me it lacked something. Which brings me back to wondering if it was just me? My baggage, my attitude, my lack of wanting anything because I was checked out of everything.
  Remember unhappiness, true deep unhappiness , can keep you stagnant, lonely and unwanting. Do I think I had depression? I'm not sure, but I know I was truly unhappy and I blamed that on God. Whether that was the right thing or not I don't know, but it is the truth of the matter. Because of that blame I was very much closed off. I told myself that when I was ready and when God was ready things would change, but I wasn't really ready to take that first step. But God was and He did and I followed his lead. Things changed and my outlook on life changed. I started to look at things differently and slowly my unhappiness drained away...but I still wasn't hearing from God through Marina.
   Once I got here, to Ventura to the City Church, all that changed. My heart changed...I was engaged and overjoyed and every part of the service connected with my heart. Every part from start to finish was made for me. And the rare Sundays (2 in fact) I don't go it effected my entire week in a negative way. Now, my mindset, my relationship with God and my heart are different and I wonder if the change is me or the church I'm attending?
   It would be easy to say it was the church to compare and say I like this better than that. That's the easy way...but it's also the truth.  I think that now, I'm willing to listen intently and learn. Because I'm truly seeking God's heart and His plan for me I'm really trying to learn it in what I'm hearing from the front of the sanctuary. So I guess it is me? I guess it's my heart...because it's where it needs to be and I'm not wishing I was somewhere else. I'm finally at my destination and I'm trying to continue my walk with God in
a new way. I guess this is just a part of that. My heart is open and I'm not burdened by my surroundings anymore.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Compassion

   No matter what I try to say I'm not the most compassionate person on the planet, honestly, my compassion levels are near empty, especially with people I don't like. My attitude has always been such that if/when I'm done with you, I'm done. I have no further need for you, so your hardships and strife don't really concern or phase me. I may hear about it, be forced by politeness to act like I'm concerned, but once that time has past my reality sets in and I don't care, not concerned and will frankly, forget about your problems. Compassion is not my strong suit.
   So today when I found out that someone at work, who has been quite sick for a while has had their leave of absence extended until the end of Summer I actually started to tear up. My heart was broken for them. My heart, already hurt from yesterdays terror (today's the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing), barely held itself together at the thought that this person is continuing to suffer from a serious illness. It's just depressing and non sensible. The reason why this is noteworthy is that I really don't care for this person. This person is a bit of a pest, a knit picker and busybody...their absence has been a bit of a blessing, but at that moment all of that was forgotten and my heart was simply broken.
   I'm on this new journey with God...I've asked him to make me into the person He wants me to be...and in the very first instance, the very first time I have a Christlike response is when I hear that a person I don't like is still suffering from illness. We thought they were getting better, but in fact, they're only getting worse. My reaction was a broken heart and a well up of tears. I didn't cry, but I was different. Because I wasn't pretending to care, I wasn't playing at upset, I was truly and genuinely upset for this person and their family.

   Yesterday, I wrote the following on facebook as my reaction to the Boston Bombings, "If we, as Christians, truly pray for our hearts to be broken by the things that break God's heart then we should all be broken right now" I never knew that this was part of my journey....

    But I guess God's ready for me to be broken and compassionate.

change of direction...but not really

 this has nothing to do with anything else I'm going to write, but I really want a cheeseburger and fries right now! just thought I'd share


  A few weeks back I posted that I would be revamping this blog. At the time I thought I just meant the colour scheme and layout...but after a Sunday full of questions, prayers, and introspection I know exactly how this revamp will go.
  I'm starting on a (new) journey of spiritual awakening and identifying. I've been trying to walk with God for a long time now, but I've never actually been sure of what I was doing or self-confident enough to believe I was doing it correctly. But now, I have focus and I want to be happy and joyful. I'm trying to grow into the person God intends me to be.
  Now, I've never shied away from speaking about my relationship and journey with God on this blog, but it's about to get deeper. For some, this may not be a comfortable thing, but for me, it's a place where I've found I need to be. Because things in this life have to change. I'm not longer satisfied with being content, I want more. My happiness and my life (the one I want) can only be defined by who I am...not in myself, but in God, but I have to find who I am in God before I can live it. So that's the journey I'm setting out on. I'm going to find myself in God. I'm going to let myself be spiritually bare and let God build me back up.
   There will be tears, there will probably be anger, and confusion...but my writings will be a showcase of this journey and I hope that you, my faithful readers, will walk along with me. And pray for me through it.
    I do have to say that I'll probably go on an occasional rant about the random nonsense of my day, but that's to be expected.

    If it gets too intense for you here I have started a new blog www.venturaonmymind.blogspot.com  It's about my experiences and life in my new home city. So if you're interested in lighter fare...pictures, comedy and goofiness come on over.

 
  Until Next Time

  ~m

Turning Point

   Yesterday was a turning point..
   Now I'm ready...

   I feel strong, free, happy
   No second guessing...
   No wondering if it'll work...

   There's only confidence...
   Only hope...
   Only excitement at what the future holds
   
    I'm ready to take a breath
    I'm ready to start on this journey...
    I'm ready to begin living the life I've been dreaming of
    and hoping for...
 
    My possibilities are endless...
    My outlook is grand
    My heart is joyful
    My soul is content
   
    I am blessed.

    Yesterday was the turning point...
    I'm no longer scared of what may be
    Because I know whatever it is...
    God will be beside me all the way through....

Dread and fear...

There have been many things running through my head lately. The possibility (or certainty) of my heart's desires coming into being has left me feeling a variety of emotions that run randomly through every part of me...joy, relief, anxiety, nervousness, disbelief, uncertainty. But mostly impatience...because I want it to happen already...I want to all to be over, I want to begin living the life I've always dreamed of.

I haven't deluded myself to the fact that its going to be difficult. I'll have my moments of frustration and anxiety and the total overwhelming feeling of being terrified, but I know with all my being this is what/where I'm supposed to be. I know that God is pulling the strings making things happen...finally giving me what I want.

In truth, my nervousness doesn't even lay in the decision or actions. It lays in having to deal with the reactions of my parents. And that really isn't nervousness, its dread. I dread having to deal with them. Because they won't understand, they won't care what I want...they never really have. They only care about how this will effect them, because my life has, until this point, been a series of hits and bruises that have been for no one else's good but their own.
I'm ready to begin my life the way I want it, to eat a meal with out being asked 10 times in the first five minutes how it tastes. Or being able to leave and not have to explain where I'm going and why...or hearing my father voice and being terrified he's going to explode and reduce me to tears because my brother didn't put the dishes didn't get put away or someone left a sock in the living room. But those are my hang ups, those are only things I see and experience...things that I long to get away from because they are slowly eating away at my soul. I fear that instead of being proud they will shoot down my decisions , instead of being supportive they will be negative and spiteful. I fear these things because they are what I know.

UPDATE:

I've finally told my parents about my decision and did not receive the reaction I thought I would. Instead of hostility, anger and emotional torture I got indifference, which in itself is another form of emotional torture. Basically the reaction was "whatever" and I don't feel like they support me...but that's fine, I have support. As long as they don't ruin this for me...there's really nothing else I'll ask for.

Until Next Time

Taking chances

  There are people in your life that will always try to hold you back. Some out of sheer selfishness. Some out of pure fear and still others out of their need to control you. I've encountered them all and in some instances, I myself, have been that person. At some point you just have to forget what those people say, you have to be able to weed and wade through their crap in order to see what's true for you.
 
   Now, I'm not saying you can't trust everyone, but you have to know exactly who has your best interest at heart. The people who will tell you the truth, the people who well question you, not because of their fears or insecurities, but for your own good. Those are the people I cherish, because those are the people who really allow me to grow.
 
   It's funny how those people can change when you least expect it and most need them. About a year ago that happened to me. I confided in someone I trusted, I wanted to bounce an idea off of them. I told them my hearts desire and they rejected it, made me feel nuts and thoroughly wrong. They didn't give me what I really needed, not a yes this is great, but the support I longed for. Even if they didn't think I was ready or the situation wasn't right I didn't expect the total rejection I felt.
   Looking back on that say and the person, I know that it wasn't me that they were rejecting, but it was the idea of me leaving them. This person was using my trust to undermine my instincts and my gut feeling. Giving me pause and causing me to question what I've felt for years all because they can't stand to see someone grow and move on from them. It's okay, a year later God and I are on the same page things are moving, my prayers have been answered and I understand why that person reacted the way they did. I've grown from the experience, I hope I wasn't the only one.

   Sometimes we have to just step back and look at what's best for the person...not what's best for us. We have to see them and what they are going through and when someone is asking for your support you need to support them. Giving them advice or your opinion is one thing...totally rejecting them and making them feel like crap...is another. I wasn't swayed by their lack of support, I just knew then it was time for me to find it someone else. I did...God pointed me to the people who are now my main supports...people who stand by me even when I'm crazy, they may tell me I'm wrong, but rejection has never slipped through their lips. I'm truly grateful for them.

   Until Next Time

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  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality. 
    

I'm an adult damn it!

  I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but if it has...you know it can be very frustrating.
  I started going to church faithfully about 14 years ago. I'm not talking occasion youth activities or helping out at kids camp (which is something I'd previously done). I'm talking about actively attending every Sunday, being on the worship team, helping out at events. Being a productive member of the congregation. My family wasn't involved because they didn't do church. They'd come to the occasional event if I sang, but other than that their Sundays were spent in bed watching TV.
  Although, I was the youngest adult person the in congregation (for a long time it went from me DIRECTLY TO KIDS, no teens in sight), I was thought of as my own person. I was looked at as Melanie and when my family came they were Melanie's family. Well, then my parent's started to attend the church and I quickly became Randal and Shirley's daughter Melanie. The individuality that I had has all but disappeared. Truthfully, some of that falls on me... I took a job where I worked on Sundays and the Sundays I didn't work, I was too tried to attend service. Then after I left that job, my heart really wasn't into going to church. And in all honesty, as much as I've tried since...my heart is not into this church any longer. In these few years of inconsistent attendance the church has grown immensely. Most people only know my parents, so I can see how the tables have turned and my ever present parents now take the lead position in the family...that's fine. What's not fine is the blanket disregard for me as a complete individual. Now, I'm only Randal and Shirley's daughter. If someone needs to give me a message they go through my parents instead of say...call, email, text, or facebook me. If I tell someone something that I don't intend everyone on the planet to know at some point one of the my parents casually strolls in to reveal what they know...like it's no big deal. I have been reduced to that of a 5 year old who needs their parents permission to participate in life. It's very frustrating, very belittling and very very unnecessary.
  Regardless of whether or not this "treating me like a child" phase had started or not, it was very much becoming a burden to go to church with my parents where I had established my own identity anyway. We are all slightly different from what our families know...when we are in the world away from our families we are different, we just are. Immediately my parent's wiped that identity away and replaced it with what they know me as. As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I tried to shine in my own way...they laid on me what they always do. Tried to change me like they always do, instead of just allowing me to be.
  Now, this church is very much theirs and not so much mine. In truth, I've moved on from it. My heart no longer longs to be there or with those people. As much as I love them and that place, because of the time spent there and how much I grew while there...there's a burden there that I neither want or need. So it's time for me to move on...it's funny because I think that the people who want me there are only wanting that for selfish reasons. I think that even on the day I start to attend the church (the true place my heart longs to be) they will still wonder why I left...but they won't ever really understand my need to stand on my own and to be in a place for myself...not just because it's the place I've always been. It feels like I've grown and the church has as well, but we've grown in two different directions and no longer fit together.
   But I do have to say that it would be nice to be treated like I'm an adult and not just someones child. Because when I'm looked at that way I'm reduced to something that's only one tiny part of me.

    Until Next Time!

      ~m

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!