Audacious Hope

  As of late I've been looking around me...seeing the things that God has opened my eyes to and trying to understand their meaning in my life. One of the things I've come to understand is that my faith isn't strong enough. I don't ask God for enough...when I was young I would ask God for the things that young people ask for. I remember asking God for my family to win the lottery. It didn't happen, that wasn't in His plans for me/us. I asked for other things over those young years and eventually (after none came true) I was taught that God doesn't grant those types of prayers. I was taught that I should keep my prayers to the most urgent and that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much for the things that aren't already in Gods plan for my life.
   So I've lived my life asking God for the bare minium or the urgent. There are things that I've prayed for, but those prayers haven't come to be, so my hope has waned. It's not strong because I haven't pushed it, I haven't asked God for the wildest, most spectacular, overwhelming things I can think of. Because I've never hoped that those things are meant for me. To me, if I wanted those things I had to make them happen myself because God was too busy doing other things, more important things...things that weren't for me, to take notice of what I was asking for.
   But that's not true and I'm doing both myself and God a disservice by not asking for the ridiculously big things...for not having the hope that those things will happen. If they aren't what God wants for me, He'll give me something better. If God doesn't mean for me to have those things then He'll give me that understanding...but if He does and is just waiting for me to ask then why am I waiting? Why am I keeping these things private and to myself? Why haven't I stood up and said God this is what I want...its such a big bold thing, its so awesome that my brain can't fathom it...but you see it as a small simple thing? Why haven't I been brave enough to ask for it and see what he says?
   So, I'm going to have hope and ask for the big things...for the things so big I've never believed they'd ever see the light of day, then I will hope and believe AUDACIOUSLY for God to bless me in these things. That, it seems, is the only way to live!

   Until Next Time.
   ~m
  

Missing Politics

Yes, that may sound weird, but it's true. I miss politics.
Over the course of the last several years I started to slowly but surely move away from the mainstream media. In fact, it was after a prime time newscast started with a top story that was about Paris Hilton that I decided enough was enough! I still watched cable news and read newspapers, but I started to see the slant in every story and how news was becoming more and more celebrity/entertainment driven than actual legitimate news driven. I saw it as a way of the government distracting the people from seeing what was really happening in the world (and let's face it, this was when our Pres and VP were starting wars with random nations and getting richer off of them). By the time, Katrina hit I was all but tuned out...so most of what happened around that I know nothing about. Although I still watched cable news (CNN, primarily) it wasn't a frequent thing (I do have to say that during national elections I watch all the news I can get, so during that time its different). However, after the Newton shootings I pretty much swore off media coverage completely. A) Because there aren't any real news stations any more (they are all entertainment) and B) What the media deems important is not the same as what I deem is important. The Newton coverage made me ill and I just stepped away.

Because of that, I missed most of the Benghazi "Scandal" have a vague idea of what "Fast and Furious " is/was and I'm not really sure what the current (supposed) cover up is about. Also who the hell is Jodi Arias? I came up for air during the Boston Bombings...but after the CNN debacle...(I was watching CNN when it happened). I was done...so I have no real idea of what's going on in the world at large. Okay that's a lie...I know a few things. I know about the soldier being killed in England and about the IRS going after the "Tea Party" and the Disneyland bomb (but I only know about that one because I was trying to find out about the weather).

Anyway, because of my thorough lack of any type of news information I am severely lacking in my knowledge of what's happening in American Politics. I love politics! There's just something about it all that makes me excited about this country. It's gives me something to think about...ways to consider different ideals and learn more about this country, and consequently, the world. I use to watch CNN and CSPAN all the time. I was engaged and engrossed in whatever was coming out of Washington. Not anymore.  Not at all!

And I miss that...it's funny that the thing that made me realize this is the Daily Show. As I watched clips of the show this morning, I realized that it's been too long since I've sat (or laid) and watched the ongoings of the country. Since I've actually knew and full understood what was happening in the federal government. I don't know how I'm going to do it (like what websites, blogs, newspapers I should read or which news stations to what, but I need to get back into my secret love...

Politics!

Until Next Time,
~m

My Lists...

I'm a list maker,
I make a list for everything.
Partly because I'm forgetful and
partly so I have something to do.

I've been in the process of writing two separate lists for the past couple months.
but because my mind is ever changing I haven't been able to come up with a list that is satisfactory

then today,
staring at the draft of one of the lists, I realized.
it doesn't matter.
It' doesn't matter how many lists I make
or what the lists are for
none of it will happen

no matter how much I hope
or pray
or wait
or think positively about it
it's all for not

because I'm here and I'm stuck
and my lists mean nothing.
so I give up.
why make a list?
if I don't even care any more
if there's no hope left

I'll just be sitting over here
living a life of hopelessness

Facebook Rant

To any who are coming here trying to figure out what's going on with me...
if you've read my facebook rant, if you've spoke to someone else, if you're concerned...
here you go.

Yes, the facebook rant was real (I was asked that this morning).
Yes, I was dead serious about everything I sad,
especially the part about not texting me
Yes, I turned off my phone
No, it has nothing to do with you.

I'm not the type of person to go on a rant then say it was a joke.
I believe in the power of words and I write them meaning something
If it doesn't sound like I'm joking, then I'm not.

If I say don't text me, don't.
It means I don't want to talk,
It means I don't want to listen,
It means I want to be left alone.
and Yes, I'm serious when I say it.
Often times too many people want to fix it
when all that needs to be done is nothing
all that is wanted is silence

Whatever happened and whoever it happened with is no ones concern but mine.
Because I'm the only one who can fix it.
And here's the fix, since you must know.

I'M DONE!

I'm done, because no one is worth me feeling like crap
no one is worth my heart being broken
or my tears
or my dreams
or my fears

so I simply and respectfully ask that you just leave me alone.

I've deleted my facebook and my twitter.
if I write I'll write,
if I instagram I'll instagram

I'll call this a re-evaluation of myself and my life.
and move on from here.

and please remember this post
if you call or text me and I don't answer
it's because I'm not ready
and I'm still to raw to deal

Piece of the Puzzle

Who was I kidding?
Only myself...
I thought I was important enough.
I thought I was special enough,
but I was wrong...so thoroughly wrong.

It's okay
I have to start over
I have to find what I need
who I need
what's important to me
because I put my trust and hope in the wrong people

I will fall
I will step off the path
I will continue to be disappointed
I expect it
I know it's coming, so why do I even act like it's not possible?

Because
I've always hoped that it would be different.
I'm okay
I will be okay
I will fade into life
and not look back
you'll remember me one day
and wonder what happened

and I will be living a new life
free from the disappointment
free from the hurt
and when you hear my voice in your head
you'll know
you were a piece of the puzzle
that drove me away

Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Finding it...but it's too far away

  So I spent a lovely weekend with my friend (sister really) Kristi and my lil lamb a couple few ago. It was a fantastic weekend filled with train rides, baby kisses, Lord of the Rings and an Irish Pub. But what it also featured was my visit to The City Church, which is the church Kristi's in laws (Jacquie and Randy) attend. Now, I must say Jacquie has been trying to get me to visit the church for over a year now and this was the first opportunity to actually visit (she wants me to become an intern there, which would force me to move to Ventura). Of course, she wasn't there and neither were the Pastors or any of the interns she insisted that Kristi introduce me to...but I digress. I walked into the church with an open mind. I didn't know what I was going to see. The fact is that although I've been searching for the church that fits me perfectly for a long time...I know that what I really want came and went out of my life a long time ago. So, I walked in not knowing what type of music, sermon or atmosphere I was going to encounter. I must say that I was surprised, inspired and overjoyed by what I experienced that Sunday. It did me good to be there and to see it...because I don't think I would have believed how much I'd enjoy my short time there without actually experiencing it for myself.
   The music was in a style I enjoyed and the speaking (although she was a guest) was wonderful. I laughed, cried and sang my heart out. It was an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed and when it was all over, it felt like it ended way too soon. I felt like that was where I was supposed to be...really I know it's weird and I've been trying to find reasons (excuses) to move up to VC for years...and of course God would use this church to give me more insight into that thought process. Knowing, as He does, about my hunt and prayers for a different church He lead me right into it...then promptly asked, "So what are you gonna do about it?"
    So what am I gonna do about it...finally finding what I want but it's 70 miles away? 

You Can't Fight Her Battles

  You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
   It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
   A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
   He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.

   So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.

Too Many Blogs?

 I was thinking about this on my drive into work today.

"Do I have too many blogs?"
 I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?

 With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.