Am I Happy?

 This question popped into my head on my morning drive. It's hard to give an answer to such an important question. Why you may ask? Because I've never truly been happy. I don't know what happiness looks or feels like so I can't tell you (or myself) if I'm happy. I could sit and over think this question to death, but I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to simply finish the thought and move on with joy.
  I am happy...everyday, not all day everyday, but everyday in big and small ways. My happiness grows the more I understand who and where I am in the world. The more I listen to and rely on God's grace and guidance and the more I accept that the only thing I can change is me. For reasons only God truly knows I am in places where I have been far from happy, but He's also told me to find happiness everywhere I am, in all the things that I've been handed. That means I need to find happiness, even the smallest bit of it, in all my circumstances. I think (although it's really hard) that I'm doing just that. I'm happy. Work and home...my daily commute they've all in one way (or many) be very unsatisfying...but seeing what each one of these things has given me over the last year makes me happy. Because I would be in a completely different place if it weren't for them. They've all given me a piece of the puzzle to move me to where I am going so for those things I am happy and grateful! Not all day everyday, but everyday.
  I use to think that I had to wait for something to happen to me in order for me to be happy. I waited and nothing happened. I've finally realized that I am the only person who can find and bring my happiness to me. So, that's what I'm doing...I'm seeking out happiness and holding onto every moment of it. I don't want to sit in a sad little corner and continue a cycle I don't want to be in. So to answer this mornings question...

  I am happy...and its not even my own doing...it's God.
 
  Until Next Time,
   ~m

Coming Home

  I've always felt like there's a comfort in coming home. Because it's the familiar place of your youth or the place you've made a life for yourself. It's the place you choose to lay your head or spend your days. Home is simply, where the heart is.
  For the longest time I got this feeling of coming home as I came over the grade into Ventura. Now, that I live there, it's not the same. I guess because it's no longer a longing. It's now a real tangible thing and in many ways not what I expected. When I come over that same grade now I don't get that feeling. That feeling of home isn't present anymore. I don't get it at my parents home, my childhood home, either. I think (at my parents) there are a lot of reasons for that, but one would definitely have to be the deep unhappiness that is contained within those walls, not just mine, but as I've discovered everyone who lives in that house. You maybe asking why I'm writing all this, well it's because yesterday...I walked into home.
  I hadn't been to church since before Christmas. Every time I told myself I'd go I just came up with an excuse not to and of course, I was fine with it. Yesterday was my first time back in two months (and only because I went with Kristi and Rayne), it felt good to be back. Worship was great, the message was exactly what I needed to hear (even though it really wasn't what I wanted to hear) and it made my day that much better. I can only hope that my week is good as a result of my mind and soul being in a better place after the service.
  From the first time I walked into that church it's felt like home but because of my stubbornness I left it in search of something else...something more? There's a movie I love called "Center Stage" it's about ballet dancers...when one of them loses her way her teacher tells her (this is my interpretation) that she has to go "back to the bar" to find whatever she's looking for. Okay, not the bar where you drink, but the bar in a ballet studio. For me, that bar is home...it's go back home, to church...to God. To the place where you feel the most like yourself and the least alone and sad. I had forgotten that, but yesterday I was reminded that I don't need to do this by myself and if I start to feel like I'm slipping all I need to do is go home.

   Until Next Time,
    ~m

Seasons...today

   This morning, one of my first thoughts as I set out on my morning train ride was the word SEASONS. Dropped into my brain like a fleeting little ladybug, it came and went before I could even really form a thought about it. Am I in a season (yes, duh)? At the beginning or end....or right smack in the middle? I'm not really sure, anything could be around the corner or off in the distance...it's not for me to know really. My train ride progressed as normal and I came into my office...listening to music something triggered another song in my head. "Seasons Change" By Crystal Lewis, I hummed it as I went to the Hillsong Connected Website only to stumble upon a blog that was talking about...you guess it...Seasons! Is God trying to tell me something or am I just grasping at straws?

   I'm starting to settle, I've felt stressed, defeated and stagnant in the last few months...but now I'm starting to feel like I'm settling into a place. Not fully comfortable, but acceptable. There are still things I want, still things that are being juggled and completely out of my control, but so much of life is...the only difference is I'm staring at these things while the balls are bouncing in the air waiting, with bated breath, to see if one will fall. I know God's in control and I know that this season...that feels never ending...will change. Sooner or later I'll be staring at something else trying to make decisions, satisfy curiosities and trying to keep my feet firm. That's how seasons are...to quote the song

    "Seasons change and then they pass,
      no way to know how long they'll last
      I'd love to know the reason why, but
      God Knows...Seasons Change"

   Yes, it's that simple...God knows and so, I don't need to worry. But I am curious, why today of all days am I being queued into the Season I'm in now? To enjoy it? To seek the new season or to rest in the knowledge that this one isn't over yet? Whatever the answer, my eyes, ears and heart are open now and I'm waiting intently to see what God is up to. I have HIGH HOPES...some of which I feel I'll have to wait longer for...but whatever and whenever that season comes I hope to be ready. And whatever or whenever the next season stumbles upon me I hope that I'm ready for it too.

   It may be harder, it may be lighter...but it's mine and whatever it brings I know that God will be in it with me...cause He knows...Seasons Change!

   Have a Wonderful Weekend!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Is it that simple?

  i've been feeling light on my feet today...i felt that way all day yesterday as well. but today i started to think about how my outlook and my inner feelings have shifted from anger, bitterness and sadness to....dare i say, happiness? i've been thinking about it, trying to process it all since i arrived at work this morning and i think i've finally discovered what it is. i'm at peace, settled and though i don't know how all things are going to work themselves out, i do know that everything will be fine.
   as of the last couple of weeks i've just been feeling hopeless. i didn't know what to do with myself and where i was going to end up. i felt like God wasn't offering anything but more tasks for me to complete and hoops for me to jump through. i was truly at wits end! looking back at it, it may have had a lot to do with the circumstances that i've put myself in over the last month. they just made me jumpy and irritable, but it also had a lot to do with my mindset. i focus on the negative and overlook all the good things i've got going on. the uncertainty of my job and the frustration caused by my roommate have also added to my mindset(not in a good way). so i've just been a grump.
   i'm not sure when but sometime over the last week i decided to change my mindset, to try to be more positive and not worry (or over analyse) the small things because that just makes me crazy. i decided that if God was asking/telling me to do something i needed to stop fighting it and figure out a way to do it. that's where it started...with a simple decision about what i needed to do.
   then this weekend arrived...busy and happy and i enjoyed every piece of it, then it ended the way i wanted it to with me spending my birthday alone without drama! yesterday arrived, back to work and I received surprises from people i didn't expect surprises from. i had a wonderful day and felt loved. i'm carrying the happiness from yesterday into today. but that's not the complete reason i feel this way.
   i spoke to Maria as i ate lunch yesterday, earlier in the day i told her i felt that God was telling me that this is the job He wants me at and that i need to just settle in and work the way i have been. and that i need to accept it. she went on to tell me that God told her a little more about my work life and where i'd end up. to her it was unexpected (i think), but when she said it to me it was a confirmation of something God already told me.
   i, like most, want to know everything. i don't want to walk out on a limb blindly searching and stepping...i want to know what the path is and i, in my best whiny baby voice, ask God regularly to show me what's coming. then i get mad when He doesn't. that happened in this case. He showed me something 6 to 8 weeks ago and i just thought i was over thinking, i thought it was me daydreaming and longing for something i wouldn't have (i even prayed that God take it away from it wasn't from Him). turns out, it really was Him. that's why i'm in this place and head space, because i have been shown a glimpse of where God is leading me. it's a place i wouldn't expect, but it's a place i feel He's getting me ready for. and because of that, i can rest easy. i can move smoothly and know that even if the roommate is irritating, even if the job is uncertain and the commute is long, that these are the things i need to endure in order for me to be who/what/where he needs me to be before i move on to the next steps in life.
   until next time,
   ~m

Never Fails...

 At this point in our relationship and in my life I know that my Mexican Mom, Maria, has insight on another level. Some of it is life experience, some is common sense...but then there's some that's just, from God. Normally, when I have something pressing on my heart and I need direction I ask her for advice or I ask her to pray for me. Her words never fail to either encourage the feelings or diminish them.
  You could say I give her too much credit that I should be relying more on God, but I do. In a lot of ways she says the things out loud that God's been whispering in my ear...but my brain is too noisy to hear it. That is exactly what happened the other day...
  A few weeks ago, I started to feel my heart opening up and my eyes looking in a direction I'd never looked at before, in fact, it's a direction I told God I didn't want to go in. Slowing this feeling became a longing and I found myself seriously considering things with it in mind. I asked Maria to pray for me...I didn't give her the specifics of it, but I know how she prays and knew it would be covered. I don't think I really got an answer from God then. I think he was allowing it to simmer in my mind and heart so that I'd be ready for it, if it does happen. Then, the other day, sitting in Maria's living room she made a comment about a totally different subject that nailed it all together. It was her mouth, but God's words. It was something only I would pick up on and something only I would truly understand. And God, true to form, knew my heart was ready to accept it and not fight it anymore.
  Could I be reading too much into it. Yes, but like I said, I know Maria. I know my relationship with her and my relationship with God and I know He uses her to get to me when I don't necessarily want to hear it from Him.
  One day I'll show her this post and she'll ask me what she confirmed and I'll tell her. It will just add another layer to the chapter of our relationship, the trust we've built. I'm sure between now and then there will be more words of wisdom and more words from God. But for right now I'm going to marvel at God and how well He works!

  It's like He know what He's doing!
 
  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Finding Clarity

  God has a good sense of humor. I think he laughs all the time, I mean, we're a funny bunch of people and I think he laughs at some of our antics and silliness. But as good as his sense of humor is, he's also broken-hearted by (dare I say) most of the choices we make. (I honestly don't know where that came from, totally not the point of this post).
 
  Okay...take two!
  One of the reasons this move was so hard was because of the house I moved into. Although it is a nice place and my roommate is a sweetheart we live in two very different ways. And within a week of her being home from holiday I was praying for my own place, a place of my own without a roommate. However, God told me to wait. He very clearly told me there was a reason for my stay here and that even though I didn't understand it I would. All I had was trust and faith because I know that God had placed me in this situation for a reason and I couldn't really question it.
  Well, it has finally become very clear why I was put here, what the reasons were and why God found it fit for me to be in this place with this person. One reason was to keep me from becoming very isolated, which I can easily do. If you let me I'd become a recluse and have no real problem with it. I also think I needed to be with someone because the aloneness (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up) would have been a shock to the system. Also, I won't go into details, but this year has gotten difficult for my roommate and just when we think things are leveling out, something else happens. I think that God put me here to help her financially and emotionally. Sometimes when you hit the wall you just need someone there to make sure, even in the smallest way, that you'll get back up. I only hope that my presence, how ever small can help her in some way.
   But with all that said, I feel that God is starting to reveal more to me. After a drought and me not hearing him, I feel like he's starting to open my eyes, ears and heart again and show me these things. He's giving me information and things to look forward to. Some of them are things that I was starting to wonder about. I was curious to see if he'd really come through with them. And even though none have come to pass yet, I know that when I'm ready he will be too (or the other way around). I'm actually ready now, at least I think I am. But I'm not sure if that's truly the case. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all it in tales. and apparently He doesn't think I am either. God's timing is always perfect.

   So I'm finding things a bit more clear...I'm starting to see a direction. Now all I have to do is stay on it and keep moving. Because I know it will get harder and I know that I may fall...but I can get back up. I know with His help I can do it.

The Loneliest Day

 
Easy...Sundays.

 Or at least it use to be. Since moving my weekends have been filled with doing nothing on Saturdays and a Sunday of church and errands. Once my tasks were done, I was back home and settled in with only TV to keep me occupied I realized I was bored and lonely.

 Not so much that I was lonely in that I have no peoples to hang with (cause I do and let's face it I'm lonely even when surrounded by people). But more of the fact that these radical things are happening and I have no one to share them with. Having a profound experience at church or being completely energized with no one to help me control my inner dialogue or to bounce questions/ideas off of. I found myself stuck in a runt either dreading the following workday or lying across my bed insta-stalking people (stalking people through Instagram). I was starting to think that all these people, so I know, most I don't have these wonderful almost perfect lives. If you look at all the carefully picked, filtered and photo shopped pictures on the screen you start to get that feeling. You start to think that you're the only one who's life is a big pile of suck. On those Sunday afternoons I slowly started to dig myself into a hole wishing for other people's happiness instead of my own and wondering why my life, even in picture never looked as good as everyone else's...then I heard some very wise words.

  "If you compare your fractured life to someone else's fractured life then you will always stay fractured."

  It's not new...it may be different words, it may be put in a new/different way, but it's a sentiment I've heard before. It's just that this time the impact it made and the way it made me feel was a first. Because in that moment I knew that the Sunday afternoons sitting putting a story to someone else's pictures was slowly killing me. Although I cannot tell you whether these lives are fractured, I can tell you that whatever the circumstances they are not right for me. My life is my own, created through a unique set of circumstance, experiences, choices, traumas and tears. So whether I'm looking at someone else's perfect or fractured life I know, it wouldn't work for me because they haven't walked in my shoes (and I haven't walked in theirs).
   So I sit on my Sunday afternoons and try to figure out what I want. What I'm doing and who I am. I'm not dreaming of someone else's life...I'm dreaming of my future. Am I lonely? I don't know, that thought hasn't entered my mind. Am I bored, No not any longer. What I am is solid and content. I'm okay and right now, that's all I am asking for.

   Until Next Time

      ~m

Turning Point

   Yesterday was a turning point..
   Now I'm ready...

   I feel strong, free, happy
   No second guessing...
   No wondering if it'll work...

   There's only confidence...
   Only hope...
   Only excitement at what the future holds
   
    I'm ready to take a breath
    I'm ready to start on this journey...
    I'm ready to begin living the life I've been dreaming of
    and hoping for...
 
    My possibilities are endless...
    My outlook is grand
    My heart is joyful
    My soul is content
   
    I am blessed.

    Yesterday was the turning point...
    I'm no longer scared of what may be
    Because I know whatever it is...
    God will be beside me all the way through....

Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!
  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.
 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Got Your Back

I was thinking, some people, when they talk to you, show a genuine interest in your life. Others just do the polite thing and say what they think they should say. This is true in any interaction, but most certainly comes through when you've known someone for a long time. The relationships you build over time are there for a reason and at some point you except a person to say the rough things you need to hear when you need to hear them.

The people who really care will hug you when you need it (or just because), they'll call you out on your crap when you need to hear it and they'll just sit with you when need them to (and won't try to solve your problems).

I found myself thinking about a particular person when reflecting on these aspects of friendship. He's someone who, when I really think on it knows more about me than most. And he's genuinely concerned about me when I least expect it. It's nice to know that someone has my back...even if I see him rarely.

Then, later in the day another friend, someone whose friendship I'm beinging to cherish showed an interest that very few others show. She is one who I know will be there when I need her. And I'm very happy about that.

It's nice to know completely that someone will be there when you need them...I just hope that the people I love know that about me.

You Can't Fight Her Battles

  You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
   It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
   A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
   He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.

   So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.

Trying

   This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life.

   Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
   But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
   Truly a miracle and a blessing.


  On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....

  Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.


  Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.

Hey There

 I've been so busy putting together my new blog that I've totally shied away from this one. I've been having a lot of fun over at the other place because it doesn't take as much brain power. I usually come on here and rant about something that I feel really powerful about. There are so many things going on in the world right now that I just don't know where to begin.


 I do have to say that I've been blessed with some pretty great friends. Even though I'm in my hole here at home and I sometimes feel like life is passing me by I know that if/when I really need them they'll come through. Not everyone has that...that makes me truly blessed.


 So I'm gonna go now, I'm going to write up another blog post in a minute...it may or may not be for this blog....

 Until Next Time

 Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
  Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
   For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
   It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
   God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted. 
   I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!

Giving Thanks

Every so often I like to give a Thank You shout out to all the people who have been encouragements to me. 2010 has been a rough year for me emotionally and I have to Thank so folks who have really taken care of me when I needed it.


So to those of you mentioned below know that you friendship, kindness and love mean more to me than I could ever express. My heart is full of love because you have shown me that God provides love to His people from the most unlikely of sources when it's most needed.




Jacquie                                 Brooke                             Maressa


Kristen                                 Sam                                  Randy Sr.


Kristi                                    Danae                               Nate


Melissa                                 Kevin                               Rand


Mr. Randal                          Jennifer                           Norms




Thank You

Easy to turn the corner

 So, you wouldn't know joy without the pain and you wouldn't know the summit if at first you hadn't climbed the mountain. So, I wouldn't know the contentment I'm now feeling if it wasn't for the hole that filled my heart a few weeks ago.

  I talked about being mad at God. About how alone I felt, like He had abandoned me to myself and my uselessness. I even wrote a poem about it (I Am Alone) and here's the thing...I had to go through that valley...truth is I'm not sure I'm completely out of it, but I can see the road starting to ascend. It's going some place I can't see but I have to have faith that it's the place God wants me to be (oh and I'm rhyming).
  These periods in the valley happen...they happen to everyone who's walking along side God trying to live their lives the way He wants them to. I mean look there's a whole book in the Bible full of people going through the valley. It's called Lamentations! I don't think it surprises God that's these times happen, what may or may not surprise him is the way we react to our time in the valley. Do we remain faithful or do we run away from the one person helping us through? David (my biblical hero and the Man after God's own heart) had his fair share of peaks and valleys which he laid out side by side in the book of Psalms. We aren't bad Christians because we have rough days...were human.
   Jesus came down here to save us (from ourselves) and I also believe came so that He and God could truly understand what it's like to be human, to be created by perfection but to not be perfect. To have all these obstacles placed in front of us and know how hard it is to overcome or surrender to them. He knows how we feel, he understands that pain...that out of control, deep down sorrow that grips us one day and cannot be explained fully. He gets it and we know that even when we can't feel him he's there...yes maybe He's pulled away a bit, but He's there.
   I have a serious deep valley about once a year...that time when it even hurts to be thankful for the life I have, because it seems that everything in that life is wrong. But I come out of it...every time. I come back to a place where I know that God is near, loving and happy for me. Those times I can almost see Him. Those are the times I relish because those are the times when I'm not only content, but happy. Am I in that place right now? No, but I'm getting there...I'm content and that's the first step. I'm faithful and that's the biggest step I can take.
   I went from feeling isolated, alone and miserable to feeling pretty good about life....it's not perfect, but it's good and I'm thankful for it!

Best Compliment

  I rarely get compliments, so the smallest little things give me great joy. If you meet me once and remember my name the next time we meet I take that as a compliment, because you cared enough to remember me. To me names are important, so I try to remember them and when someone remembers mine I am giddy!

  This brings me to the best compliment I ever received....

   Last year my manager sent out a text asking people to describe her in one word using the first letter of her name. We were talking about it at work with a co-worker who usually isn't in our office, in fact it was only the second time they had been there. We all took part in an inpromptu describing session, then changed the parameters to just describing each other in one word.

   Here's something you should know about me..
   I long for the days of old, not for the state of the country or world, but for the grace, style and manners of a time gone by. I love the thought of being a lady, of men being gentlmen and of walking with the grace that all that entails. Sadly, though we've made progress in many areas, this is one place where we've lost our way (in my opinion).  I try my best to be lady like, most times I feel like I fail, but I strive for it and I think this compliment made me rethink what I consider daily failures.

    Since I received it, almost daily it pops into my head, at the most random times I stop and think about it and why it's effected me so much...here's what I've come up with...

    1. I've already stated, I try my best to be a lady, graceful, poised and proper.

    2. The person who gave it had known me all of a day and a half (this was only the second time we'd met)

    3. I was already totally intrigued by him.

    4. It could simply be the way he looked at me when he said it (which I could totally be overthinking).

    In truth, it could easily be one of these things or all of them. I'm thinking that all 4 play a roll in it. When I sit back and analyze it, I guess I'm just amazed because it did hit so close to home (especially coming from a relative stranger).

    Hump!
    Oh well...I guess you're wondering what he said....

    The one word he used to describe me was ELEGANT.
 
    Now, that might seem like nothing to you, but it meant the world to me.

(From January 8, 2010) The Aldersons

This post isn't set out to belittle any family type relationships I have with others. It's just to point out the overwhelming sense of joy my heart feels at this point in time about the possibility of being wanted...as sad as that may sound.

God places us in a family unit to learn and grow while we are young, but sometimes the members of that family do more harm than good. Because of this we may unknowingly search for a suitable replacement. My childhood was scarred. I held resentment toward most people around me, so at a young age my search began.

Over the years I've found many variations on a family I can plug myself into, places where I felt comfortable and never left. Over time as I grew as a person I've strayed from most of those relationships moving onto a new family that could fit my needs.

This has been my pattern but that pattern has just changed. I've found a new family but this time instead of me imposing myself on them (which I actually tried to avoid, so I wouldn't be a pest) they grabbed me and haven't let go. What do I say but Thank You to them and to God. There's so much love showering down on me that it almost feels like the void of love I don't get from certain blood relatives is full...

Almost!