Coming Home

  I've always felt like there's a comfort in coming home. Because it's the familiar place of your youth or the place you've made a life for yourself. It's the place you choose to lay your head or spend your days. Home is simply, where the heart is.
  For the longest time I got this feeling of coming home as I came over the grade into Ventura. Now, that I live there, it's not the same. I guess because it's no longer a longing. It's now a real tangible thing and in many ways not what I expected. When I come over that same grade now I don't get that feeling. That feeling of home isn't present anymore. I don't get it at my parents home, my childhood home, either. I think (at my parents) there are a lot of reasons for that, but one would definitely have to be the deep unhappiness that is contained within those walls, not just mine, but as I've discovered everyone who lives in that house. You maybe asking why I'm writing all this, well it's because yesterday...I walked into home.
  I hadn't been to church since before Christmas. Every time I told myself I'd go I just came up with an excuse not to and of course, I was fine with it. Yesterday was my first time back in two months (and only because I went with Kristi and Rayne), it felt good to be back. Worship was great, the message was exactly what I needed to hear (even though it really wasn't what I wanted to hear) and it made my day that much better. I can only hope that my week is good as a result of my mind and soul being in a better place after the service.
  From the first time I walked into that church it's felt like home but because of my stubbornness I left it in search of something else...something more? There's a movie I love called "Center Stage" it's about ballet dancers...when one of them loses her way her teacher tells her (this is my interpretation) that she has to go "back to the bar" to find whatever she's looking for. Okay, not the bar where you drink, but the bar in a ballet studio. For me, that bar is home...it's go back home, to church...to God. To the place where you feel the most like yourself and the least alone and sad. I had forgotten that, but yesterday I was reminded that I don't need to do this by myself and if I start to feel like I'm slipping all I need to do is go home.

   Until Next Time,
    ~m

It's Sad

You know what's sad?
When you aren't surprised anymore because you have no hope left.
That may sound weird, but if I explained the whole situation it wouldn't.

I'm not going to go into detail but I'm going to say that being surprised and then having that surprise turn to disappointment no longer seems like something that happens to me.
You see, it used to happen all the time, but I came to a conclusion in my life and since that moment...
these little surprises are just that...surprises.
There's no disappointment that follows, because I know what the outcome of my life will be...
so, you could say that biggest disappointment lies ahead of me.
In that, there's no need for the small ones to cause that feeling.

I'm sure you're more confused now then when you started reading this. So before I delve deeper into my own mind let me leave you with this.

This morning I realized I'm at the place in my life where I NEVER wanted to be...I prayed with all my heart that God would lead me in a different direction and that I wouldn't end up here...but here I stand. Prayers not answered...and in that I find my life headed to my greatest disappointment.

Until Next Time,
~m

Healing a Friendship

   I had a friendship, years ago the friendship ended because I was slighted. I was more than justified in several different ways to upset, hurt and ultimately done with the friendship. Over the past few years it's been a bit of a laugh to see that the person I am not friends with is a bit of a stalker. And that even after I blatantly refused her attempt at rekindling our friendship she is still, in her own way, trying to get to me. The circumstances of the demise of our friendship don't matter...what does is the fact that I just couldn't carry on having a friendship with someone who wouldn't take the time to see that I was hurt and apologize for the hurt they caused. When I simply stated in as articulate a way as I could how upset I was, she turned it into a woe-is-me party and told people we both knew lies about me. Basically turning a group of people against me because she couldn't be bothered to not only keep it between us, but to tell the truth of the matter.
    There have been a few emails exchanged between us over the years, each time I have told the truth of how I feel and tried to move on, but whenever I turn my head there she is. That's fine...I don't have a problem with her truly...I understand where she comes from and as sad as I once was about the end of our friendship, I now know that it was for the best.
    The other day I was told that she has been praying that we may reestablish our friendship and begin speaking again. I dismissed this notion, but  eventually started to think about how that was reflecting on me. Aren't we called to forgive? Yes! Isn't this staunch stance against her causing me emotional distress while she lives her life? Yes, I'm the only one I'm hurting. Not forgiving her, whether she apologizes or not(she won't because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong) is not helping me, it's only hurting me. So why don't I just forgive her? Well, I have! I forgive her for treating me like I was not her friend, for turning people against me with lies and for ultimately disregarding my feelings with her selfishness. I'm done with holding a grudge over someone who doesn't deserve that much of my time.
     So I forgive you Debbie! And I release this pressure I have held onto to be mad at you. It's over, I'm done...it's not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy. I hope and pray that you're life, marriage and family are blessed everyday! May God be with you...always a comfort and support.

     As I walk away from this grudge, I begin once more to move on to something better. Does this forgiveness mean I want to have a renewed friendship with her? NO, the trust we once had is gone, the support I thought we had for one another is no more and those things aren't coming back anytime soon. So, I walk on with a clear conscience and a blessing...but the Friendship we once had, will never be again.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Huh

You know the old saying

 "In a crisis you end up taking care of your friends, when they should be taking care of you" 

It's true.
People can't really seem to deal when someone else is in pain.
Instead they start trying to figure out what they could have possibly done to make the other person feel that way or make the other person mad.
That's their guilt.
For whatever reason they feel guilty about something and so
they think the person going through the emotional breakdown is
talking about them

Or it could be selfishness.
that they are so completely self-absorbed
that they don't think the other person
would talk about anyone but them
and how dare they take try to draw focus

Either way, it's not helpful
not to either person involved
if I'm going through it I'm going through it
I usually don't confide because people can never actually help me
I generally don't believe what they're saying to console me
and it leaves me open to be broken later
because whenever or whoever I open myself up to
usually ends up doing the exact same thing to me
in the future.

Here before...

falling
falling and no one sees
or no one cares
I'm falling
the only thing left for me is the crash
the crash that leaves me broken
broken
in pain
but that's the only way to know
to know
I'm still alive
because pain is what I know
comes easy
comes natural
comes even when my world is good
comes to break my heart
to devastate me
I'm broken
never healed
not enough time to mend
before the pain comes back again
I see myself
less and less
because fractures leave cracks
breaks leave scars
my broken my wings to fragile
they will never carry me off
so still I fall
waiting for the crash
that will always leave me
in pain

24hrs

Not even that.
I can't get an hour
need to be left alone.
Can't even be left alone

All Me

I did it to myself
I let myself hope
although everything said don't
I did anyway
and where did my hope get me
here
which is no where
with nothing
not even hope
I'm back where I started
with no one to blame
but myself
naked and unwanted
Alone

Back...

and just like that...
I'm back in the valley

in the matter of moments it can all come crashing down!

Life's not a competition

 
    I'm no longer going to settle for less than I deserve. No longer will I stand on the sidelines wondering and waiting. No longer will I chase and give all of myself because that's what you need. You see, I'm worth more than that...I'm worth more than being someones second. Because I was made to be someones first...

    I've always had trouble with the notion that I'm worthy...of anything. Love, support, help, love and forgiveness...but above all love. Since I was young I've told my parents (unapologetically) that they were required to love me so saying it didn't really mean much. That's always been how I felt about it. So much so, that I've been willing to share sooo much more of myself than some people really deserve. I'm loyal to a fault...even when I know that I should have walked away a while ago, I'm still here being loyal...being used!
     For me loyalty is a BIG deal. It's not just about friendship or family, it's about trust. It's about having someones back through thick and thin. It's about being there even when you don't agree with the actions being taken, but you're there because the other person needs you. There are few people in my life that have been that loyal to me...and I am now facing the reality that one more person's loyalty has faltered. Now, when I look back at it all...I see that there was never actually any there from the start. It's a sad process to go through, when you realize that what you thought you had was really a lie, not only a lie, but a lie you created, developed and nurtured all by yourself. You really are left sitting wondering "what else have I been lying to myself about?" But is that my real problem...no, although it is apart of it....
    See, the problem is being in the relationship/friendship in the first place. Knowing in my gut that something was wrong from the beginning. Knowing, seeing, acknowledging (but not fully acknowledging) that I was in a one sided relationship and that everything I was being and giving for the other person wasn't being reciprocated. Chasing a friendship I thought I needed because I thought I needed it...when in turn God was (and already had) provided me with wonderful relationships. I changed to be more like the person I was trying to be a friend to and turned into someone less like myself. I started to want, to look for and to try and achieve things that I didn't care about before because that would give us something in common. In truth, we have very little in common nothing more than I  would with someone who happens to work in the same building as me. It wasn't until I took time to step away and look at myself that I saw that everything I didn't really like about myself stemmed from me trying to fit into a mold of my own making. That's my fault (no one else to blame, no one else to be mad at). So after realizing that trying to change myself was not only making me unhappy, but was in fact, changing me into everything I don't like in others. That's when I saw what this truly was...
    I was a girl, who never really felt a strong sense of self, love or worthiness trying to find it in someone who never actually had any of those things to give in the first place. I was trying to fit into a place where I could be more like them and I became less like myself. I failed and was lost...but now, finally I see that I don't need to try and fit into that mold...I don't need to try and be that person anymore...I don't need to chase. What I need is someone to chase me.

   I want to feel wanted, appreciated, loved and respected. Worthy of all of this life I have in me...worthy of the breath in my lungs.

   So if you don't want to acknowledge my sacrifice, my selflessness because you're too busy being blinded by your own selfishness then I can't help to acknowledge that my loyalty is shifting and you aren't on the downward end of the scale.

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

A familiar Prayer

  Every so often I find myself in the same predicament, it's probably mostly my fault, but I end up in the same place non the less. That place is lonely and somewhat friendless. I'm not saying that I have no friends, because I do. I have a good couple of friends who I know I can lean on when times are tough and vise versa. But, they're married...and at some point when our relationships began....they weren't. I feel like I've missed the bus on that, but that is a whole other deal. It all comes back to the same thing, we are in different places in life, the freedom in which I navigate is not the same for them. I honestly (and as much as I love them I sometimes) just want to partake in the freedom my life affords me, but I want to do it with a partner in crime. 
   This reared it's head the most when my Best Friend was having marital problems. I started to give her advice based on what I wanted for her and not for what was best for her and her marriage. Because, on the horizon, I could see us leading the single girl life together and loving life. In reality, her situation was not for me to change or sabotage for my own personal benefit or gain. So I removed myself and walked away. I was honest and told her the truth because in the end, it was all about me being unsatisfied, unhappy and not wanting to project that onto her. Luckily she understood, but in many many ways it's still true. Although things have changed, I still would love to find someone my age who isn't married, doesn't have kids and will put up with my craziness. 
   I'm starting to sound like a brat I know. And even though that's so, its not my intention. Because all the women are answers to prayer, I don't think I've ever told them that, but it's true. I can look back at instances of praying and the woman who came into my life as a result of it....sometimes even without me knowing until later. As much as I adore my friends...I'm still in this place of loneliness, I'm searching for a friend to help fill it...coming back to the familiar prayer that leaves my heart, but in the end...maybe I'm asking for the wrong thing?
   Maybe it's not the friends I have, but the person I am?
   
   

I Just Don't Understand...

how you can settle for less. No, let's be real, you've settled! Why do you think you don't deserve better? Do you think you can't handle being alone? Or were you bought for a pass and a purse...maybe more? 


you say this is love...how can it be? love is patience, love is kind, love does not dishonor others, love is not self-seeking, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always protects, love never fails....tell me what part of his love has ever encompassed any of these things?


if he calls you a bitch, if he tells you to fuck off...not only is that not love...that's not respect and how can you be with someone who does not respect you? how can you throw away your relationships for the one person who left you to be with several others? Who jetted you off to another state under false pretenses because he's two stupid to get himself out of the mess he created. Who married another woman, lived with her and lied to you repeatedly over months? How can you stand to be in the same room, house, bed with a man who is probably still having sex with someone else?


because you love him more than you love yourself? because you respect him more than you respect yourself?because you cannot see your life without him, even if it means you have to take verbal and emotion abuse over and over again? do you really think he loves you? do you really think he respects you?


if he did, he would have never crawled into bed with another woman...he would've never left you and came here to be with her. he would've never said he didn't want to be with you. but all those things happened and still, with one word, you went running back. abandoning all the good things in your lift for the bad thing that will keep you crying and in therapy. 


you deserve better, but he's pushed you down so low that you can't even see how bad it is. I feel bad for you. I feel bad that there's nothing I can do but sit and watch and pray that you don't make a mistake you can't take back....because when he walks away again...you'll be stuck.


but you'll probably just go running back.

I don't know...

how I feel about the end of a year that was so rocky, sad and scary and the beginning of a year in which I can't see myself.


I really had few moments of joy in 2011, but seemed to be consistently surrounded by anguish, sadness and nervousness (especially in the last few months of the year). So much so that I just wasn't excited about the Holidays or the New Year. 


That's where I stand now! For the first time going into a new year I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to land or how I'm going to get there. I feel like I'm on the verge of depression...and waiting for the right bad incident to send me over the edge. 


I know what I want...but I have to achieve it...I'm scared of what will happen to me if what I really want doesn't come into beginning...I'm scared of being in this place at the dawn of 2013.

When it Rains, It Pours...

 And it's not always the good kind of rain.

  Last week I had a job interview and well, today I was informed I didn't get it. I've tried to stay pretty positive about the whole job hunt thing. Not getting any call backs or only getting scams and now, it's the getting all the way through two interviews and a "test" but still being told you're not what we're looking for.  It sucks!

   I'm still trying to keep my head up. I instinctively knew that I wasn't going to get it, but I'm still disappointed. I'm still sadden by the fact, that my skills...my experience isn't good enough. I'm starting to feel trapped and I don't like it.

   So now, it's back to the drawing board....back to the disappointment. Trying to keep the sadness from taking over.

 Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
  Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
   For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
   It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
   God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted. 
   I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!

Young Men

  I see a young black man walking down the street and I prejudge him. It all depends on his clothing and the way he carries himself. Some I look at and think, he's going down the wrong path and other's I get the...I feel sorry for them. Why? Because I'm not the only person judging these young men.
  My younger brother, an upstanding man, who wouldn't intentionally harm anyone, is one of these young black men who people will judge based on a glance. He's never been in trouble, has a job, goes to school and church. By all accounts he's a fierce friend who is loved by all and still people will judge him because he's a black man.
  Young black men (not only in this country but all over the world) are looked at differently. Some with loathing, some with distrust and still others with shame. Do they deserve it? I have to ask myself this question because I too find that I clutch my purse tighter, check my car doors and sometimes even walk to the other side of the street when I see a black man coming. Why?
   I know why and yes, I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm more ashamed because my behavior affects someone I love extremely. Someone I couldn't live without and I know that one day the general negative ideals that I hold are held by many who would do anything to hurt by brother, who is a black man.

Quotes, Verse and Inspirations

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "No."  ~
Rorschach (Watchmen)


Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps



What we say reveals who we are!



The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!



For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
                                                                                                          ~1 Timothy 1:7



"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe



The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.



There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.



I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!

Mad At God

    Now as I look at it, I have various reasons to be mad at God. Some I've discussed on here (lack of a relationship, failure of friendships, distrust, etc.) but there are more I have chosen not to discuss on this stage. But I figure I have some pretty good reasons to be angry, hurt and generally mad at the Big Guy upstairs, but I chose to put my anger away. It doesn't mean I don't (from time to time) feel the anger begin to rise when I didn't get something I feel I should have.
    You see I learned that our relationships with God aren't tit for tat...it's not God saying "Melanie, if you pray to me and read your bible daily I will give you everything you want" and there's no open negotiations going on. God hears our prayers but chooses what's best for us. He sees all the things I can't possibly imagine are coming and he does his best to steer me in a different direction away from the bad. I am, however, stubborn and easily distracted so I usually walk right into the bad of my own free will....then like a good father he's there to pick me up off the floor and carry me to safety and comfort. So me being mad at Him isn't really helping me...it's only hurting me. Because the time and energy I'm using to be mad at God is time and energy I can be using to take the steps to becoming who I really am and gaining what I really want.
    I'm sure you're wondering what brought this on...I just had a conversation with a co-worker...she's mad at God...she's done with him...because she feels like He hasn't given her what she really wants. I understand where she's coming from...she's older than me and she's basically in the same place as me. We want some of the same things and it's hard to watch your friends get the things you so desire, but as I've learned recently just because you're friends have something doesn't mean that that something is wonderful. It's not always rainbows, Daisy's and sunshine...sometimes it's hell! And if God is using this time in my life to prepare me for those rough times then I'll take it.
    My Mexican mom (Maria) is confident that I will one day meet the man of my dreams and have this wonderful family...and honest to God I'm pretty sure she's the only one who thinks that. But she told me once that God is going to send me someone incredible and that God's molding both of us to be exactly what the other needs. I can only pray that she speaks the truth and that this time of sadness and loneliness will someday transfer into joy.
    So mad at God...yeah there are those times, but I find that the times I'm most upset with the Big Guy are the times I lean on Him the most. Don't get me wrong, I tell Him exactly how I feel. I've yelled, cried, thrown tantrums and pouted but I've also given Him the respect Hes due and tried to understand that He knows all the things I don't. I would rather be happy by myself then have a relationship with someone who will cheat on me without remorse. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I am not truly happy or comfortable and I would rather be in a relationship that I have to wait for that will last forever, then to have one now that will end shortly. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much, sometimes I think my hopes are too high, then I say to myself that I'm worth all the standards I've asked for. I'm worth all my hopes and dreams...and so is he, that guy I'm waiting for.
    There's no need to be mad at God...not for me. I have more than many and I see all those things as blessings. I'm sad that this girl is mad at Him, because it's not His fault and the emptiness will pass...although it doesn't feel like it, there will be a day when she'll realize it doesn't hurt anymore. But if we don't lean on God when it hurts then how can we dance before him when it doesn't?

An Open Letter to my Mom

  I know you look at me and try to figure out where you went wrong. You search for the answers of why I am the way I am and how it all came to be.
  I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
  Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
   I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
  
   You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
   I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life.  As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
    It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.


    I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.


    I'm Sorry and I Love You,


          Melanie