Hitting a Wall

  Facing a wall and trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to knock it down, climb over it or find a path around is tricky. I ran into this same sort of problem a few weeks ago and I choose to find a different path. Now, I've encountered another, much bigger wall and I'm sitting here staring at it trying to figure out if the fight to climb it or break it down is even worth it. The truth for me, right now, is I'd like to turn my back and find another path, but as easy as that decision is it leaves hard truths in it's wake. Would my life be easier in many many ways? Yes. It will be a lot easier to just walk, but that doesn' t mean it's the right thing to do.
   I'm going to be sitting here awhile, thinking, praying, wondering about what I should do and how I should leave this situation. It's not simply about being hurt or not wanting to be hurt, it's about sanity and seeing a clearer picture. What that picture has shown me is that I don't want this part of my past and present to be a controller of my future. I don't want it to continue to influence me and change my mood and turn me inside out just because. I don't want anything good that comes my way to be turned into a negative on someone else's whim. I don't want to be a pawn or a manipulation tool. These are the reasons I want to walk...but the decision on whether I give it another try or give up isn't just mine...it's God's too. He has control of the situation and he'll tell me what I should and shouldn't do.
    But until then I just have to try and navigate it all...this wall is a living breathing thing that I have to deal with daily. It's something that is a huge part of me...but the more my journey comes into focus the more I feel like this giant part of me isn't worth being there anymore....

    Until Next Time,
    ~m