To Sing or Not to Sing

 I've been singing since I was little. When you're little you don't know what you're doing is a talent...you just do it. So it wasn't until I was in 5th grade that I was told I could actually sing well. My dad, being a musician, could have told me this but he never did. (I think that has a lot to do with the fact that he doesn't see me, but that's another post). Instead a teacher informed me of my natural talent and he has been the person who, since the fifth grade, has encouraged and greatly influenced me in my singing journey.
  When I was 18 this teacher left his old church to become worship leader at a new one. He asked if I would come to the church to help with worship and for the next seven years that's what I did. But as a "spiritual baby" in the church I started to sing, not because my heart was right with God, but because I wanted the praise I got from others. My flesh craved the attention this talent brought me from the people around me. The admiration, the joy and the pride.
  A couple of years into my worship experience I went to a conference and took a dance class. The teacher told us we shouldn't accept the praise for ourselves but for God. After that I tried and failed repeatedly to reconcile my hunger for praise with what I knew in my heart was right. That I should be doing this for God not for myself. Over the years my ideals on worship began to change and my walk with God became ever increasingly strained. In the end I found a way to walk away. I got a job that required me to work weekends and I gladly took it and worked Sundays without a care in the world.
  After leaving that job I started to rebuild my relationship with God but I didn't go back to worship. In fact, I rejected it entirely. I felt put upon and guilted into it. The truth was I was jaded and unfeeling when it came to worship because deep down that's how I felt about God.
  I have this way of knowing that something I've given up is good for me when I don't miss it. In the almost 3 years of not doing worship I haven't missed it at all. So that tells me something!
  As my relationship with God has evolved my thoughts of singing have too. I no longer long to be in the spotlight or on the stage. I am content to sit back and let others do it. If I'm asked to help sing for a good cause I wouldn't hesitate to do it, but I'm not in any hurry nor do I want to do it regularly.