Jealous, just a little...

So, I have well documented the struggle I have with not being married or having kids, but I decided to no longer allow myself to be jealous or hateful toward people who are in the place of having a child or getting married.


Since I made that effort I have had my moments but I have done my best to move past them to be happy for the people who are celebrating. I've been to weddings and baby showers and lived through engagement announcements. I've been able to walk through them all with a grace that God gave me, because in my heart I hope that my day will come. I've haven't gone into a situation totally jealous of someone else's happiness because there was no reason to. But today (on Easter and when I'm wasn't expecting it) I found myself slightly jealous of my friend while she was discussing her upcoming wedding.


Now, I don't know if I was truly jealous of her wedding or if I was just jealous because she truly has that shining happiness that I'm longing for. You can look at her and see her happiness and you can look and him and see the same thing. Its contagious to watch but at the same time a little heart wrenching for me. Because I know that in my heart that it not the wedding its the happiness that I'm looking and longing for.


Looking back on it I'm not sure if I'm jealous or just anxious about the happiness that awaits me...at least I hope its waiting for me.

An Open Letter to my Mom

  I know you look at me and try to figure out where you went wrong. You search for the answers of why I am the way I am and how it all came to be.
  I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
  Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
   I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
  
   You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
   I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life.  As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
    It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.


    I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.


    I'm Sorry and I Love You,


          Melanie

I Opened My Eyes to a World of Bad

 There are moments in life when you look around you and see the truth you've (probably) been hiding from yourself for a long time. For me this has been happening more and more over the passed year. Since American went off and decided to get all great and hire the first Black President it seems like the world is going to hell. Well, at least that's what I see now.

  I guess that because I've hidden my face away from the news of the world for so long I just live in this bubble that doesn't let the negative in. Which is fine by me, because really all there seems to be is the negative. Over the past year, the climate in this country has gone from bad to worse. Really, we've been overtaken by this group of people called the Tea Party (I'll talk about them in another post). Who, the more I learn about them, just seem to be the bottom barrel of hate filled imbreds ever! Recently, the Catholic church has found itself in the grips of another scandal...but its the same as before. This sexual abuse outcry has taken two forms, 1. people from different countries are beginning to speak out about being abused and 2. the pope (who was a Nazi) has been directly charged with doing nothing, actually covering up a serious series of abuse. He swept under the rug a priest who had abused more than 200 deaf boys he was charged with caring for.
  
   I'm disgusted, angry and my heart breaks more and more everyday! There seems like no end in sight! Earlier this week a series of suicide bombers attacked Russia. Now, honestly I can say I don't know what the attacks were about or why they happened, but it's just another tragedy in an already tragic world.

   "LET THE THINGS THAT BREAK GOD'S HEART ALSO BREAK MINE"

   I always thought about poverty, disease and war when I thought of that quote (which I paraphrased) but now I see that it's not just those things. I've opened my eyes to a world of madness and turmoil, with no end in sight. Everyday is more and more bleak, so much so that even some so called Christians have taken up a mantle of hate, yet dare to call themselves followers of Christ. Honestly, I've come to the end of what I feel is just the beginning of this revelation. I'm allowing myself to see and take in the true honesty of the world I walk in. Taking in all the things that my brain and heart reject, because if I'm going live in this world, if I'm going to pray and hope and love in this world, I should really know what this world is all about.

   Shouldn't I?

Friendship

       As you grow it is inevitable that some friendships will grow distant. Some will completely fall away and still some will continue on a understanding that your love for one another, will always be there in good times and through bad, but you don't have to talk daily, weekly or even monthly.
       I am discovering that I have varying relationships on all these themes. There are very few people I know who will always be there for me to lean on. In fact, these people I can name easily. There are some who I've grown away from naturally as I sought my own road and self. But there are some that I've walked away from, because they'd become stagnant or broken.
       My journey in this life, has found me lucky and allowed me to walk along and learn from many people from all walks of life. In that time, I soaked up vitally important knowledge, but ultimately most come to an end. I move on to something different traveling to something else I need to learn.
       The few people I am continually connected to are those I truly believe God placed in my life for both our goods. These are the people I can openly speak to, who allow me to grow and give me space. These are the people I can say anything to without fear. As I recently searched myself for a clearer understanding of what I want in this life, I realized who I needed to be in healthy satisfying relationships with. I learned that some people I hold on to are not in the same place as I am, and right now, I need people to truly understand the place I am in, whether they've been there before or not. That my sound selfish, and maybe it is...but this is where I am in this life.
       I've found that I give much and get little, emotionally....my heart is big and easily broken. Sometimes I need a friend who will know it's about me, not always and even alot...but sometimes, I need it to be about me. I guess that's another reason why I am in love with those people around me that I can rely on, because they know that its about me sometimes and they don't begrudge me that right.
        And because I'm not afraid to cry in front of them.

The Tea Party

     

     I try to put myself in other people's shoes, to see how they see and at least try to really understand where they are coming from before I dismiss them as crazy. So when I heard about this group of people calling themselves the Tea Party I decided not to judge, but instead to learn about them and what they believe. I didn't want to dismiss them as crazies because I first believed they were only picking on the President because he was black. But come on, in this world...the first black president, they couldn't possibly just be after him because he's black...could they?

     Well, over a year later...I've been rudely awakened and shaken awake from the dream that this world (or should I say this country) would give this black man a chance. It turns out that my gut reaction was the truth, these people...these so called Tea Partiers that are out to take back the country are really only trying to take the country back from Minorities and Homosexuals. I discovered all this in the light of the passing of the health care reform bill. The reaction this group (of mostly white people) had was WAY over the top. They reduced themselves to name calling, hate-filled ranting and spitting (yes, spitting) on and at black and a gay congressmen. They've also begun to terrorize democratic representatives and senators, throwing bricks through both their home and office windows. Is it just me or has this whole thing thrown us back into the 1950's? I'm expecting someone to pull out the water hoses and let the dogs loose.
      I don't find it strange that this is happening it's happened before, but I do find it painful to watch. That these people are so angry they aren't in charge they are willing to act like preschool children to make their point. The Republican party, who these people represent, are just a bunch of selfish, hateful racists, (Yes, I know that the head of the party is black, I also know that they hired him to look progressive and that they've wanted his head since he started the job). Wait, I know lots of Republicans, as a Christian I can't help but know lots of them. I don't consider any of them racists, but if they are sitting back and letting racists run their party, then I can call it that way.
      For me, maybe the worse part of the whole thing is that they are no longer trying to even hide the fact that they hate blacks and our black President. They are actively fighting against anything President Obama does because he's black and because he's a democrat. They are actively doing and saying hateful things because they lost the "White" House. They are acting out because this is what they've been allowed to do since the turn of the century...basically, they are having a big ol' tantrum.

       A Friend of mine asked me what the women of this group are doing in it? I told her that I didn't think they had really thought it out fully, this group is a bunch of boys wanting to take their country back. They want it to go back to the way it was when they had all the power. Basically going back to women in the kitchen, Homosexuals in the closet and Niggars in the fields! That's what they want in a nutshell. The country back run by right-wing white men, anything less isn't good enough!
       Frankly, this whole group of mad people scare me, so do their leaders. One of whom seems to be Sarah Palin, who even in the election encouraged her followers to act and say racist things and since the election has done nothing but run her mouth into more and more stupid circles. I'm afraid for this country and to even think of the pains this causes...I'm afraid it'll spill over into the streets and into the general public. And I'm afraid of the imagine this is projecting to the world at large. We are a family infighting, but displaying it to everyone in the neighborhood...how embarrassing.
     

You Know What I Hate?

 When you have a great blogpost, but you get distracted before you save it and it's lost forever! That happened to me and it sucks!!!!! Back to the drawing board.


 Until Next Time!

Knowing what I want and don't want

  I've struggled for a very long time with the fact that I'm not married, not a mother and not in a relationship...for a long time it's been a fight I've been losing...for a long time I wished for something, anything. I didn't know what I wanted really; I just knew that everyone around me was getting married, falling in love or having babies. But now, as I am clearly surrounded by these things everyday, I am also surrounded by heartbroken friends whose relationships have failed or who are struggling to have a baby.

  I've been very fortunate in my life to be surrounded by many different people...shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, education levels, everything! I've treated all these relationships in their varying forms as learning platforms. I've taken from them all things I want and don't want. The type of person I ultimately want to be and the type of person I wouldn't want to be in any form. I'm starting to understand now why I haven't been where I want in the subject of love...because I didn't know what I wanted...I haven't been (and still am not) fully prepared for everything that a healthy happy relationship needs or what I need it to be. I am currently sitting in a very selfish place, and as I look around me I see that that's not where I need to be if I am going to find the person I am to spend the rest of my life with.

   I sit back and listen to certain (in my opinion very selfish and childish) people talk about their relationships, good and bad. I think about how happy I am that I don't sound that stupid, selfish or ignorant. I'm glad that I haven't been put in a situation where I think I'm happy but ultimately I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm happy that when it came to being in a relationship, I knew enough to step back and say this isn't right and I can't give myself away that easily.

   Do I know what I want?...yes....I made a list remember....but my question is, have I grown into the person that he wants/needs? I don't know, and I won't until I meet him. I hope that when that day comes I'm no longer sitting in my selfish chair and I'm ready to give my everything in exchange for his. I want to look at my list and say, yes this is him. But I want him to look at his list and say the samething about me.

   I know what I want and I know what I don't want....from myself and from someone else. The question is now...can I really live up to it?

I was angry about this, then I was sad...

   Last week, I asked certain people to describe me in a word (yes this is in direct correlation to a previous post). I got some good responses then the word Fallibilism popped up. I never even heard of it, wasn't sure how to pronounce it and was completely confused by it. I then noticed who it was from...my Pastor Kevin, and honestly I thought it was a typo (sorry Kevin). I texted him in reply and asked him what it meant. Later I actually spoke to him about it on the phone. He said the definition meant someone who's searching/questioning. I believe he took it as searching/questioning in an existance in God or a place for God in ones life. He then went on to say how much he missed me and wished I would come back to God. The thing is ...I never left God, just the church.
   Yes, I did cease going to church, I have had my times of doubt and concern...I have searched and questioned, I have even held God at bay,  but I haven't left God. I read my devotional daily, I talk to Him, question Him and rely on Him daily. I have a running dialogue with God and I commune with Him in my own way on a regular basis. But that's just it, In My Own Way! Some people think that because I'm not in a building that I've turned my back on God. The simple truth in my situation is that some of the people in that building and I don't follow or believe the same things. So I took a step back and decided that I needed to focus not so much on the pleasing of the people in the building but on my relationship with God.
    It's easy to sit and act together. Pretend to listen, pretend to have a healthy dynamic relationship with God and be in this building. But ultimately you're lying. I needed to step back and look at it truthfully. See what I was doing, if it was working and how my relationship with God was fairing. Turns out I am a good actress and liar, because many people believed that show and never knew how hurt and numb I really was.
    In our talk; Kevin said something about me getting back to the way my relationship with God was. I hope I don't fall that way. I didn't have a real relationship with God until I left the building. I've come leaps and bounds in the last few months. Unfortunately all anyone sees is my not going to a building where I learned to lie.
    I was really upset about my talk with Kevin, but then I realized that I can't please everyone and I will no longer set out to. I can follow the path God put me on and learn as I go...I can continue to talk to Him, read His words and commune with the believers He's placed around me. One day I'm sure my path will lead me to a building, one I can be happy in surrounded by people who can really see me. Not just what they think I should be, but what I am. That day could be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's my journey and there's only one who knows my truth.






BTW: I know it's important to be in a fellowship with believers, I just don't believe the fellowship has to take place Sunday morning in a building. Where 2 or more are gathered he is there...it never gave a specific location. I'm pretty sure I had a great fellowship at Red Lobster on Sunday evening.

Best Compliment

  I rarely get compliments, so the smallest little things give me great joy. If you meet me once and remember my name the next time we meet I take that as a compliment, because you cared enough to remember me. To me names are important, so I try to remember them and when someone remembers mine I am giddy!

  This brings me to the best compliment I ever received....

   Last year my manager sent out a text asking people to describe her in one word using the first letter of her name. We were talking about it at work with a co-worker who usually isn't in our office, in fact it was only the second time they had been there. We all took part in an inpromptu describing session, then changed the parameters to just describing each other in one word.

   Here's something you should know about me..
   I long for the days of old, not for the state of the country or world, but for the grace, style and manners of a time gone by. I love the thought of being a lady, of men being gentlmen and of walking with the grace that all that entails. Sadly, though we've made progress in many areas, this is one place where we've lost our way (in my opinion).  I try my best to be lady like, most times I feel like I fail, but I strive for it and I think this compliment made me rethink what I consider daily failures.

    Since I received it, almost daily it pops into my head, at the most random times I stop and think about it and why it's effected me so much...here's what I've come up with...

    1. I've already stated, I try my best to be a lady, graceful, poised and proper.

    2. The person who gave it had known me all of a day and a half (this was only the second time we'd met)

    3. I was already totally intrigued by him.

    4. It could simply be the way he looked at me when he said it (which I could totally be overthinking).

    In truth, it could easily be one of these things or all of them. I'm thinking that all 4 play a roll in it. When I sit back and analyze it, I guess I'm just amazed because it did hit so close to home (especially coming from a relative stranger).

    Hump!
    Oh well...I guess you're wondering what he said....

    The one word he used to describe me was ELEGANT.
 
    Now, that might seem like nothing to you, but it meant the world to me.

It's been a while

 I've been gone for a while, because I just didn't have anything to say! I had probably the hardest email I've ever had to write on my plate and since that is almost done I thought about coming on and letting everyone know I'm still alive.


  This morning at about 4am we experience an earthquake in the Los Angeles Area, it was a mild 4.4 but we are experiencing earthquake weather (suddenly because it's been cold) and frankly we are due one. Last night didn't scare me, but it did wake me out of a nice sleep and made me get out of bed...I sleep under a window so its a natural instinct to get away from the glass. I've been hearing talk from people about how scared they were, but between the Whittier Narrows and Northridge quakes a 4.4 doesn't due anything but interrupt me rest.


   Let's see is there anything else I feel the need to share...not really....oh my bank card was stole and I experienced that sudden unknowing of not having control. But my bank caught it and took care of everything so I didn't have to worry about it that much. And well work is work...


   Other than that life has treated me kindly and I'm moving through it peacefully with as much grace as possible. Thank God for that!

Goodbye

   Goodbye Love
    cheers to what could have been
    there was hope in my eyes
    longing in my heart
    but this thing is not meant to be.
    our paths are changing
    sending us down different lanes
    I hope that I will be a fond sweet memory to you as you are to me

   Good Luck, My Love
    in all you do
    may someone someday see what I see in you
    and when she comes to take your heart
    I pray that it'll be forever safe in her hands
    but until that day I'll take great joy in the rush I feel at the sound of your name.

   Goodbye Love
    so long, fair well
    until the day we meet again
    in my heart you'll always dwell.

Done with it

 A couple of weeks ago I went to family night at Momma Marias house. We (Maria, Danae, Aunite Ruby and I) were having a conversation ranging all topics...one thing struck me (of course it did, it was about me). Danae said that the one attribute of mine that she would like to have is my ability to quit some one and be done with it.

 In truth, I do have that talent...I can decide to be completely and totally done with someone and not give them the time of day...ever! But what I explained to Danae is that it's always a long time coming. I've only ever really decided to give up a relationship on the spot one time. The rest of them have been damaged and the final straw ended an already sad and unhealthy relationship.

 I like to say that when I'm wrong, I'm wrong and will own up to it. All I ask is that the other person do the same thing. However, that's not always the case and some times, some things that are done or said can just throw away an abundance of love...it's a simple word, pharse, look or even joke that has ended many a friendship.

 I don't walk away from these relationships without a broken heart, generally I lay them by the side of the road because my heart can't bear to carry the burden any longer. I'm glad that Danae admires something about me. I'm glad that it's this thing...but I want her to truly know that I'm the kind of person that will let you break my heart repeatedly before I finally give you up....Usually I'm the one most of the damage is done to and I only let go because I need to to stay sane!

 I'm at the point right now, where I'm standing on a cliff...my feet are ready to jump...I can look at the bottom and see the people God has placed there to catch me. Not everyone in my life is standing down there, so inevitably for my own sanity...for my own walk...for me to be able to reach out and truly connect with God I have to let some relationships go by the way aside. 

 I've been telling myself that I need to nuture relationships, that I need to build up good ones and let the unsaveable ones go...that's true, for my sanity...maybe that's selfish, but I have to do what's best...for me!

 Until Next Time! 

Rudeness

 As I was reading the Bill Cosby rant and in the wake of things I have recently experienced I have been led to believe that people just don'thave manners anymore. I'm speaking in generalized terms here, but I think that you can all see my point. People don't do the simpliest of things. A lot of people don't even say Thank You anymore.
   There was a time when a man would lay down his coat over a puddle so that a lady could walk over it, now not only do men not do that, but they are so rude in general that they'll call a woman out of her name (their woman, in fact).
    Do we all have moments of rudeness yes! Out of frustration or the excuse of being in a foul mood, all people have the capacity to be rude and mean. But to walk into a room and upon entering blech so loudly it can be heard down the hall is just wrong. What's worse is the culprit sees nothing wrong with it at all, they think it's fine. I know that because they don't take the time to say excuse or even attempt to quell the act to begin with. I agree with Mr. Cosby on so many levels, but I also believe that we all have a choice in what we become.
   Mr. Cosby contens that people are the way they are because their parents didn't do their jobs. I agree with that statement in part. Because we have a choice too, we can grow up and become a true product of our environment (good or bad) or we can choose to step out and become something more (or less)! As an adult we make the choice. We decide if we want to live this way. If we are going to take it or if we are going to stand up and realize that we deserve to be treated and to act with respect...let's face it, the act of being rude is an act of disrespect. We know the essentials of it and still we are a disrespectful people. We teach children to say please and Thank You, but if we don't show the example then they will grow up to be just as rude as we are!

   I'm just sayin'

Bill Cosby is my hero

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/billcosbypoundcakespeech.htm

At Peace

I realized the other day that I'm at peace. The fact that I'm openly stating it is bound to bring some kind of turmoil to my life, but I'm happy and relaxed. I'd been feeling like the weight of the world was on me. Once I started to reveal my unhappiness to the world I saw that change. I experienced it, I relish it.

Over the course of this journey I've learned some things about myself and the people around me. I've been given compliments in the form of trust and I've been surrounded by love. I'm truly at peace. But this isn't my doing...I believe that God allowed me to go through these things. To find myself in the situations so that I can lean on him, and he could reveal his people to me.

Is life perfect, no...and it never will be, but for now...in this moment. My life is peaceful, happy and filled with love.

Thank God for that!

Ring

For those of you who've seen me recently you may have noticed a new ring I've been wearing. I'm wearing it on my left hand ring finger as a symbol...it's an understanding between God and I. And it's something to remind me of a promise I've made to Him and that He made to me. If you're wondering where the idea came from I'll give you the background.

My first job was at the Christian Elementary/Jr High school my brother and I attended. One of my favorite kids there was named Cindy. And when she was 15 she had a quinceanera. In the ceremony she was presented with a ring that signified a promise that her father was making to her. That until she found a man to marry he (her father) would be the man to care for her, love her and take care of her. I always thought that was a very special and significant gesture and wished that my father would have thought to do something like that for me. (it didn't happen)

So I decided to do it for myself, the ring I bought is a metaphor. That God is the man in my life until I find that one man that I can truly rely on to love me. That man I can truly love. Everyone who's asked me about it has asked if some guy gave it to me...why? I gave it to myself, and I'm happy with that. It's small and special to me. That's all that matters.

So if you see me rocking my ring, just know that as of now, I'm being taken care of by the one man I know won't hurt me, disappoint me, make me cry and who gave up everything for me. If that's not worthy of at least a ring...then I don't know what is!

Until Next Time!

Blog Warrior

So Sidekick has an application called Blog Warrior, which allows me to update my blog from my phone. This is my first update, my first venture with this new thing.

I'm glad I got it, hopefully it'll work better then my facebook and twitter apps...we'll see though. I'm sure I will be using this thing a lot in the future! I'm really excited about it.

I have a plan for my next post, I'm going to give my two cents about the Tim Tebow commercial I referenced in my last post...it was basically overhyped, as most things in the media are! But I can't give too much away...

So this is it for now! Until Next Time

Abortion, how do I feel about it?

This question popped in my head after I read an article today. There is this football player named Tim Tebow, he happens to be an outward Christian (who's claim to fame is wearing bible verses on his eye black and saying God Bless at the end of interviews). He and his mother are appearing in a television ad for Focus on the Family which will air during this years Super Bowl.
You see when Tim's mom was pregnant she got really ill, slipped into a coma...was given drugs...almost died and when she awoke was told the drugs that kept her alive could have serious ramifications on her unborn child. She was advised to have an abortion. As a Christian missionary, she choose to keep her baby, no matter what. Many people believe this will be the focus of the commercial (but no one really knows for sure), and women's groups all over the country are in an uproar about it. Saying this (football) is no place to push Christian propaganda. The article I read said simply this, Tim Tebow should be able to say what he wants, when he wants...and that's that. No matter what the world at large feels about his message he has the right to say it. I wholeheartedly agree.

Although I agree, it still made me question this topic that I've been very passionate about in the past. You may think because I'm a Christian that I stand with the right and say that abortion is wrong. But if you really know me, which honestly only a very few do, then you know that I would feel differently. So here's my take on the whole thing...

For me, abortion isn't an option, for me! I've known people who've had abortions...who've used it as their own form of birth control. I've never been angry at them...my heart has been sad...my mind has been sad that this is the only choice they could make...that they didn't have any other options (at least that they could see). I've never been angry enough to hate on them, call them a murderer or discourage...only the opposite...I've pour more love out to them.

For me abortion isn't the answer, for me, but I'm not in the position to define the answer for another woman. God gave us free will and in his infinite knowledge and wisdom he knew these questions would arise and he allowed them to. In my opinion, this topic has never really been about God. It's a cover in a layer of God, but it's not about Him.

Christians call it murder, yet they've killed in the name of God for hundreds of years (including blowing up clinics). They say this isn't of God but, in turn, call the victims of rape or child molestation seeking a remedy a slut. And in truth, how many Christians have snuck their teenage daughters (or mistresses) into clinics to have it done?

Would I do it now, NO...but as the victim of molestation as a child...if I had found myself in this unfortunate situation I would have done it without looking back and I would not force any young girl or woman who fell victim to endure it either.

You may be reading this thinking I'm a bad Christian...that's fine. But I can't judge a woman's decision, it's not my place. Every woman is entitled to make a decision for herself. Then she will stand before her god and tell her story.

This whole uproar about the commercial is disturbing to me. The ad hasn't aired, no one has seen it or really knows what it's about...so far it's all speculation. I mean, it could be about how not all home schooled kids are freaks! or it could be about missions work. I'm disturbed that these groups of women who fight for freedoms would try to deny another group their freedom of speech. And that people, is what it all comes down to! Denying people their freedoms.

This country was built on freedom, for white men. Along the way everyone else had to fight to get any little bit of it. And along the way "God's" chosen people (as they've always called themselves) have stood up against them. This is just another form and shape of the same story.They call this murder...well if it's murder, then let's bring our service men and women home (ALL OF THEM), if this is murder then stop the death penalty, if this is indeed murder then we have to stop ALL murder...period.

For me, abortion is not in my plans, but until we can stop rapists and child molesters then I will view is as a necessary thing. And I'll forever be sadden by the women who choose it as a response to their mistakes. But I won't take their right to chose away.

Neither should you.

Computer

We've got a new computer!

So I will be able to update this sucker more often...haven't been writing lately. I guess that means I'm doing well...after the last post I was emotionally drained so I took some time off...

I'm going to focus on the Photography blog getting pictures up over there so go by and see it!

I'll keep you all updated on my updating! See ya!

Writing, writing and more writing just on here

So, it's been a while since I've been on this blog...and sadly it's because I no longer have a computer at home! The house computer died and I no longer sit at the reception desk for long periods of time so my access to this blog is limited. I tried to update via the mobile app, but it will only let me upload a limited amount of characters so anything I say longer than a standard text is a moo point!

Anyway, it's the new year and I decided to do something new. I tend to over think stuff and then it all runs through my head for ridiculous periods of time. I rethink, analyze and question things repeatedly...it's driving me crazy. So I made myself a booklet and I'm writing it in every chance I get...I'm writing everything open letters, random thoughts...I'm just thinking on paper and surprisingly it's working...I'm not harping on things that I don't need to be harping on...it's making things so much easier to deal with and work through.

I made the booklet on the 5th of January and I've written in it everyday (except yesterday) since. It's a great relief. Some writings I will probably end up posting on this blog (in fact, some have already made it) most, probably not...I don't intend to hurt people (which some musing might do) but I do need to do this for myself, so what I can post I will, it's part of my journey, part of my life and growth. I'm trying to live my life out loud and to the fullest. So that means sharing as much of me as I can.

I'm excited, hope you are too!

From January 9, 2010

DISCLAIMER: This is VERY personal, but I feel the need to post it, because maybe the person it's meant for will one day read it. Part of the reason I started this blog was so that my family would learn some things about me. But they aren't interested and have missed many many things...this is an open, angry, hurt letter...




So you think I'm not married and I don't have any kids because I dismissed the hundreds of guys beating down the door? You must think that it's easy for me to watch everyone else have babies or get married or actually go on a date.


So this is all my choice? This is everything I wanted my life to be and you're upset because you don't have any grand kids? Have you ever stopped to think that this isn't the life I wanted? That I wish everyday that I was married and a mother?


God and I have gone through this over and over again. And apparently I have to get use to the fact that I'm not getting married, I'm not having babies and no one wants me and God doesn't see fit to change that!


So I'm sorry you're disappointed, I'm sorry you have to deal with the burden of not having grand kids. I have to deal with the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But you're right, it's so bad for you, you have it so terribly bad!



Do me a favor don't ask me to go places with you just so you can bad mouth me in front of your friends, which you seem to do every time! Ever wonder why I don't like going certain places with you?



But wait you're too busy lamenting about your lack of grandchildren to think about how I feel!

(From January 8, 2010) The Aldersons

This post isn't set out to belittle any family type relationships I have with others. It's just to point out the overwhelming sense of joy my heart feels at this point in time about the possibility of being wanted...as sad as that may sound.

God places us in a family unit to learn and grow while we are young, but sometimes the members of that family do more harm than good. Because of this we may unknowingly search for a suitable replacement. My childhood was scarred. I held resentment toward most people around me, so at a young age my search began.

Over the years I've found many variations on a family I can plug myself into, places where I felt comfortable and never left. Over time as I grew as a person I've strayed from most of those relationships moving onto a new family that could fit my needs.

This has been my pattern but that pattern has just changed. I've found a new family but this time instead of me imposing myself on them (which I actually tried to avoid, so I wouldn't be a pest) they grabbed me and haven't let go. What do I say but Thank You to them and to God. There's so much love showering down on me that it almost feels like the void of love I don't get from certain blood relatives is full...

Almost!

From January 6, 2010

My prayers with God are like a running conversation in my head, they never really stop, I never really say Amen, it's just me and Him talking. His voice is like that voice everyone has in their head, the voice of reason. You see to me, I know what God wants from me. I just don't want to do it. His voice in my head reminds me of his plan for me. It's a plan I've known about for a long time, a plan He has used other people to drop seeds and hints to me about it.

In the last 6 months our conversations have run through many topics, but there are a few recurring ones. Nurturing friendships, honoring Him by helping others, getting into His words and going back to school. God has recently put people in my life that retrieve passed conversation (between He and I) and bring back certain things to the forefront of my mind. As always, He's laying the foundation and using others to build on top of it. To remind me of what should be important in my life...worrying about things I can't control isn't as important as I think it is.

Right now, I'm only fighting it because I'm scared, but I know He's with me and there's nothing to fear, but my humanness is still a scared child in the dark. I'm sure these conversations will continue. I'm sure I will continue to fight against His lead because my human fear is holding me back. Even though I have an idea of what I need to to do, the path isn't completely lit...so I struggle against that fear of the dark (unknown).

I can feel Him standing beside me encouraging me to leap, but my feet are glued to the spot and I'm hiding my face in His robes!

From January 5, 2010

I had an interesting conversation with Momma Maria today. She told me about a dream she had about me.

I was working for a mega church apparently with a lot of responsibilities and I was traveling all over the place. My hair was different (the way I want it, before I told her how I want it) and we were at the church's coffee shop. I was on a date (with a tall guy). But I think the most encouraging thing was that I was happy.

I'm going through a transition right now, I feel okay (sometimes) that I'm not where I thought I'd be in life especially the "not married" part. But there are days when I'm down about not being in a relationship (like today when I noticed an engagement ring on a co-workers finger), about not having ever been in love, about whether or not I ever will be.

The conversation made me think and gave me a warm felling inside, like this could happen for me. That maybe God knows what he's doing. But Maria was right, he show us things we choose not to see. Maybe I'm not seeing what God has for me because I'm too busy telling him what I want.

Christmas Aft!

I was not looking forward to celebrating Christmas at all. I didn't want to deal with people coming to the house, my grandma getting drunk and having to deal with my father who doesn't want to do anything, but wants to take all the credit. And all that stuff happened, but something unexpected happened too.

I was lamenting on Facebook about how much I wasn't looking forward to Christmas and Martha invited me up to Ventura to spend Christmas with them...then Jacquie said I should come up for Christmas Aft fondue at her house (it was more like come up here or feel my wraith). So on Christmas day I told my mom that I would be going to Ventura on Saturday and I invited her, but she didn't want to go. So I went and you know what! I had a ball....

I really enjoy the Gill, Alderson, Bangs family and felt so humbled by all the hugs and warm wishes I received when I got there. Even the kids were cool (even though I'm not sure they knew who I was). I spent the whole day there, just hanging out, talking, playing games, eating and enjoying the day! I had so much fun that I will fondly remember this day as my Christmas.

It was really nice to be around all that love and joy for the day. I had a great time!

I just don't get it?!

I was reading the headlines on google news yesterday and came across one that simply left me speechless.

Apparently Danny Glover (of Lethal Weapon fame) came out and said that the President isn't doing enough for black people. To which the President basically replied, I'm the President of the United States not the President of Black People. I like that come back.

For me as a black woman, I can be proud to say that this Black Man has set an example as a man, husband, father, leader that the black community rarely sees. So that, in it self, is enough! Now, on the whole, as a citizen of this country, I do believe that our President is doing his best. I believe that he is, in fact, working his butt off to rebuild our crumbling economy and overblown self-righteousness. I think he's hard at work trying to make a difference in what short time he has (at this point I don't have high hopes that the American people will re-elect him). In this 11 months he's had in office he has accomplished so much, but people only see what they want.

The question that always pops into my mind is, "would this be happening if he was white?"...truthfully, I hate to admit it, but I don't think it would. I believe that if President Barack Obama was President Tom Doe he wouldn't be under that same pressure. I am frankly, very angry that anyone in the black community can be so selfish. I don't get it, maybe it's because I didn't grow up in the black community, but at some point we, as black people, have to stop pointing the one finger at others and look at those three that are pointing back at us!

He never said he was going to Washington to paint the White House Black. He never said he was going to make things better for only black people. He said he would do his best to restore this country to it's former greatness...trying to bring EVERYONE to a greater standing as a whole. It's not his fault that people in the black community only saw the color of his skin and voted for him because of it (which makes you as bad as the people who voted against him because of it) and didn't listen to him speak or learn about his brand of politics. Black people if you thought he was going to come out fist baring telling "whitey" to pay up or whatever then you obviously need to go back under whatever rock you came from. Because you missed the point.

Maybe my father is right, maybe this country will always be corrupt, maybe black people will always face challenges, but right now, he's not the one causing the divide...."black activists" like Danny Glover are....

And Black People if you really want to hate on a black political figure hate on Michael Steele, leader of the Republican Party....yes he's black!

Happiness is a Gift!

This morning I laid away most of the day. It's just way to cold to do anything, and tomorrow we are having a storm...yes "storm watch" has officially hit Southern California! So I didn't do anything today...in fact, I mostly stayed in bed so I wouldn't have to endure any coverage for the Florida Gators loss to Alabama. It was tough to watch, but I did. Then I promptly turned the television off and went about my business.

I thought it was going to be hard when I finally got out of the bed and onto the Net to see what everyone in the sports world was saying about the game. It's funny, I watched an interview with Tim Tebow (Florida Quarterback) before I got out of the bed. I didn't get to watch it prior to the game so I watched it today. In it he said, "I know that when the good happens it God's will and when the bad happens it God's will, so I'm okay with it." In context of the game...that's a great thing to hear. But in context of life, it's AMAZING!

The truth is everything that happens is in God's hands...and no matter what happens in this life, he is in control of it all! He will lead us, walk beside us and carry us when we need it, so there's no need to sit around and think what if?. All we can do is ask God for his grace, joy and love. For Him to protect us and ultimately do His will. I think that the most important thing is to get out of His way and just let it all happen.

Anywho, I finally got up this morning and was incredibly upbeat, happy and joyful! I didn't really feel bad about the game or anything else for that matter. I actually feel pretty great. I don't know if I really chose to be happy today, because frankly I don't know where this happiness is coming from, but I hope it lasts!

I even had a moment, when I thought about the things I need to do tomorrow at work, and I was almost giddy about it. I am so happy that I don't have to do hospitality anymore and that I am now freed up to work on other stuff, learn and expand my knowledge base, so that I can move on to bigger and better things! I'm trying to treat everyday like a learning experience and ultimately the things I learn in work are going expand me in more ways than just work!

So again, I know happiness is a choice, I know I'm choosing to be happy with my circumstances everyday! But today my happiness was completely unexpected and very welcome! It's a great day!

Until Next Time...

Doesn't matter if your Fat or Skinny...

I love Victoria Beckham. I love her style and I love the way she carries herself. I think that she is a great lady in the way that she knows how to dress for the appropriate situation whether she's meeting the queen or walking through the park with her husband. Many people would probably be surprised that I like her, but if you really know me, it wouldn't surprise you! I long for the days when people actually got dressed up to go out of their house, whether it be to run to the market or to go out to dinner. There was a time where women dressed and acted like ladies and men dressed and acted like gentlemen. I miss that time, but I admire people like David and Victoria Beckham for bringing a little of that class back into this society of dressing like a ho and pimp!

Now, there is one thing that people would find offensive about Victoria...she's super skinny. Yes she is...funny thing, it never bothered me that she's so small. I never thought about it like that. I never saw past the great outfit to see what size was shown on the labels.

I'm not skinny and I've never been skinny. I don't think I ever will be and I don't strive to be! I strive to be happy....happy within myself and the body, personality and traits I've been given. I can't buy the clothes (size or designers) that she can, but I can hold myself up like a lady.

I don't consider myself fat, although others may, I am overweight, chunky, hefty even. But I'm not fat. Am I happy with the size I am? Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, most times I don't care. I do care if I'm healthy though. I don't always make the right decisions on what I do or eat, and if I did I may not be the size I am, but I may not be much smaller than I am now either.

We have such a false sense of beauty in this country that striving for what we see around us will destroy us! Shouldn't we be striving to be happy with ourselves? There are women and men who work out everyday and will never be a size smaller than 10. Not because they don't take care of themselves, but because their body isn't the stereotypical type.

I have a co-worker who's going on a new health plan. I'm happy for her, but I've been trying to make sure she's doing it for the right reasons...mainly for herself. Not because of what other people think she should do or look like. She's not fat by any means, but she's not happy with certain parts of her body and she wants to fix them. Good for her! I'm glad for her and will do my best to be encouraging! I've been doing the same for someone else that I work with. She wasn't happy and decided to do something about it. I try to encourage her with my humor and wit. I will continue to do this until she doesn't need it anymore. But I think everyone needs some encouragement.

To me it doesn't matter if you're fat or skinny as long as your happy. I can understand people wanting to be healthy, you can be healthy and large...you can be skinny and very healthy, but ultimately you have to be happy within yourself. Because if you're happy you won't care what the world says you should be. Besides if you look around you'll see that most of people who try to tell you what you should be really aren't happy with themselves!

Don't Hold On To It....Just Let It Go!!!

There are people in my life that I am inherently like...I can't help that my learned traits (and some I was born with) mirror the people who've been around me my entire life. I have excepted that I will always default to these traits, whether I like it or not, I just do. I've been called a brat and evil. I've been told that I am so selfish that I am destroying some one's life. I have, in fact, taken these very harsh and negative words used to hurt me and tried to do my best not to ultimately become like the person who launched them at me.

Over the years I've held on to things that frankly, weren't worth a second thought. I've thought about them time and again, allowed them to bring me to anger or tears and denied myself letting them go for the thought of "I'll get them back one day". But really will I get them back? Will I have the balls to bring it up in conversation?...will I ever even see the person who offended me? Probably not! I hold on to them because I'm too weak to just let it go.

About ten years ago I realized the path I was on and set out to not be like certain people around me. I found people I could learn good positive things from and I grew closer to them, leaving behind old ways and people. I've learned to love without condition, see with new eyes and from a different perspective and most importantly I've learned to let things go and forgive.

Forgiveness is not for the offender, but the offended. Some people will never know that they hurt you or that you are angry with them. Some may know and not care...90 percent of the offenses we will encounter won't end in an apology. So we treat them like unresolved situations when really we should just forgive and move on.

A prominent figure in my life has been holding on to things for most of my life. If you ask why he/she feels that way about someone or something they'll tell you a story that happened in the 70's, 80's or maybe even the 60's. The rational they use to hold on to this doesn't make sense and is actually tiring. This person can tell you they don't get along with a family member because that person borrowed money and never paid it back...it happened in 1980 something...the borrower doesn't remember and if you're not going to remind them just drop it!

Over these years I've been offended, I've forgiven and moved on. I've tried, with great effort, not to hold on to anything that isn't productive to my life. My resolve has been tested, but I always try to defer to what I learned as a child...Forgive and forget, turn the other cheek. Over time (AFTER you've forgiven), you may be able to forget but only after you remove it from your mind with forgiveness. God calls us to forgive, FOR US, for our peace of mind, for our growth and spiritual awareness. There's no reason to hold on to things that are not productive. There's no reason to hold on to something for 20 years, when you're not ready to step up and voice you're opinion on it.

If you must hold on to it, don't be a coward, speak. But my advice would be to let it go...you'll feel better and maybe, just maybe, you can let your overall bitterness go and people would want to share in a moment with you!

Now, all that being said, I do have one thing I struggle with in this regard. (If you knew the story you probably wouldn't hesitate to allow me this one thing.) It's a struggle that God has been trying to walk me through most of my life. There are days when I feel like I can forgive, then there are days when I choose to hold on to it. I'm not perfect, minor offenses I will readily let go...but this HUGE trauma will ALWAYS effect me and my relationships forever! I don't think that God will rush me through it, He understand the pain and loss...but He has called me to forgive and that I will always try my best to do!

Happiness Is a Choice!

I once hear someone say, love is a choice...you don't fall in and out of love. you choose every day to love someone or something! I've thought, mediated and reflected on that thought on many occasions since then. I do believe that statement, I do believe that we choose who we love. Even the people we don't like (certain family members or friends of friends or people you go to church with) we may choose to love. I was recently reflecting on my current state of happiness and how, despite being frustrated and anger at time throughout the year, I have been happy! I'm choosing everyday to be happy and thankful for the blessings I have in my life.

I'm choosing!

We take for granted the every day mundane things we have in our lives...the ability to think rationally, the ability to breathe without help, the ability to walk, talk, smell, see, use our hands...small things that we just do (hey the ability to blink). We don't necessarily think "oh it's time to sallow" or "it's time to blink"...no, our bodies just to do it! And that's a miraculous thing. So why not be thankful for it or happy to have it?

I've had a difficult year at work, but no matter how hard it got I was happy that I had a job, when so many do not. I've looked at the circumstances of my life. They aren't perfect...there are certainly things I want (don't need'em, but want'em), but I have chosen to wake up every day and be happy with what I have. God has blessed me with so much and everyday I am happy to experience what He has in store for me, whether it be hard or easy. It's part of the journey and I am happy to still be on it.

There are people around me that only see the negative. I feel bad for them, they have completely missed the point. They don't see the smallest blessings...I would take the small ones over the big ones any day. I am happy to have friends, however few, I am happy to see that they are happy. We never seem to really be happy because there's always something we can find the negative in...but maybe, just maybe, if we stop looking for the negative and focus on the positive we can truly be happy within our own situation.

So, yes I can stand up and say that I believe, truly, that happiness is a choice and I choose everyday to be happy in my small life in this world. I don't care how big it is, I just care that I am blessed and happy! I hope that you can choose to be happy too!

Until Next Time

Thanksgiving 2009

So this was going to be a Happy Day full of food and family and of course...it ends with me being treated like a second class citizen, because my father has issues with me. Whatever, his problems are his problems and there is nothing on this earth I can do to make him happy. So I stopped trying to understand him or make him happy a long time ago. I just try my best to NOT be like him.

Thanksgiving is a day about family and being thankful for the things and people you have in your life! I try my best to be thankful everyday, but this is a day where we sit down and actually think about what we have to be thankful for!

In this time of economic trauma a lot of people will find it difficult to find thankfulness...which makes me even more thankful for what I've been blessed with this year. I'm not going to name everything...but there is one thing I am especially grateful to God for...he has showed me what I am missing and though I'm not all the way back I'm slowly making my way to him.
I am grateful most of all for the opportunity I had to volunteer this year and I'm thankful that my mom and Amber and Danae wanted to do it too!

Like I said I have tons of reasons to be thankful! But I just wanted to share those two things...I'm not trying to pat myself on the back...just trying to remember that feeling...which was awesome!

Thank You!

Did Adam Lambert Go Too Far?

Now, I only watch American Idol the first two weeks of the show...that's when all the bad singers are on! After that I'm done, I don't watch or worry about it in any way or form! I wouldn't know who Adam Lambert was if it hadn't of been for my cousin who loves him and watched American Idol hoping he would win it all! Well he didn't, she said it was rigged...it went to someone else, whatever!

Still I didn't care, couldn't give two cents to care...until my brother showed me his album cover (which is totally ripped off from Boy George) and I was mildly interested in what this guy was gonna come up with next! But not that much because I could have watched him on on the American Music Awards last weekend, but I chose to go to sleep instead!

The next morning I wake up to the knowledge that he pulled off some kind of inappropriate performance full of sex, violence and risque behavior not suitable for kids, Dick Clark Productions or the House of Mouse (owner of ABC). I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I couldn't watch it on the net, so I asked around...only one person could tell me what it was about and I agreed with her...inappropriate! The next day, I heard more about it in the media and I decided to look for in on the net...it's since been taken down. So I haven't seen it....but I did see something in a headline...why are we getting so up in arms about Adam Lambert in 2009 when we didn't care about Britney and Madonna and Christina a few years ago?

I surely didn't care then and I don't really care now, but I know that if I was a parent of a teen or preteen I would have been appalled that this form of entertainment (remember I haven't seen it, this is all from what I've heard) was available for my kid during a very superficial award show.
But I'm not a parent and I didn't see it....so all I have is hear say from all over...so like the title of this post I have one question...Did Adam Lambert go to far?

What's your opinion? How do you feel about the whole situation? Did he indeed go to far or am I and the media making too big a deal about it?

New Moon Movie Review

So, as a fan of books, movies and some books turned into movies...I gladly shelled out money to watch this book turned movie. Now, I did the same last year...I shouldn't have, but like all things I had to learn the hard way. Anyone who says that the first installment of this saga (Twilight) needs to seek professional help!

The book was so compelling and well written that I could only hope the movie (Twilight) would be the same, but I was sorely disappointed with it. I'm so used to movie makers taking books like LotR and Harry Potters (and even 300 and Watchmen) and actually turning them into must watch movies, that I forgot the director couldn't direct! If it wasn't for the book Twilight would have been sunk in the water.

So, knowing my disappointment with the first I still stepped up to the second, hopeful that a new director and more money would make a better movie. And I was right....


It's no classic, but it is a good popcorn fest...it's full of moments from the book that I hoped I'd experience in the movie. I like the cinematography, the colors used and captured, I even liked the wolves. But I was most impressed with Michael Sheen as Aro!

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! I can't seem to get passed the fact that in real life he looks like he may smell, he's completely opposition of Edward (and I know he's an actor and is playing a role) but all I see is stink rising off his body. I don't really care for him as Edward...the only time I feel like he was Edward like was in the first film, when he is first introduced, after that it's all been a let down. Kristen Stewart...I've seen her in a couple non-Twilight related movies in which I think she did a good job, but in this movie it was more looking torn...biting her lips and overall blankness.

Alice (played by Ashley Greene) is my favorite character and Ms. Greene does a great job as her...although there is a scene where she jumps a railing that was completely unnecessary.

The visual effects were better! You cold see the difference between the eye colors of the different Vampires, which was very very slight last movie. I enjoyed watching the wolves more than I thought I would. And on the Wolves...I really like the makeup that was done on Emily (Sam's fiance), it was always hard for me to image her look, but they nailed it!

Other than Robert and Kristen the only thing I didn't like was the score...it was way tooo cheesey...and I love cheese, but this was like Velveta on top of Velveta!

Michael Sheen as Aro....wow! Perfection! There's nothing else to say, but that man is a real actor...true! He can take a role and own it...I was so glad he was chosen for this role and he didn't disappoint one bit!

So overall I would recommend this movie...if only for those who heard something of the books...if you haven't you could wait until it's on DVD would you may lose something in the effects! Enjoy

So Many Things I Want to Say!!!

I've been thinking about several different topics I want to write about. Some very personal, some social and some just celebrity gossip nonsense. I decided to list them below...and I will post a topic in detail on each one, but I just don't have the time at this moment. Over the next week, I will complete the thought(s) I have on each topic.


1. Why aren't I married yet?

2. Did Adam Lambert go too far?

3. New Moon movie review.

4. Doesn't matter if your fat or skinny as long as your striving to be your best.

5. Holding on to what doesn't matter.

6. Thanksgiving!

7. Happiness is a choice!

Seven days, seven topics...I should get started. See ya later! And enjoy!

Luke 22:31-32 (with creative license)

I have read this verse twice in the last two weeks...coincidence, I think not. Yesterday when I read it I thought of it differently. Thinking about my last year of turmoil, I decided to reread the verse, but with my name inserted...it made perfect sense and gave me a new understanding into why God allowed me to live through it all. So here's the verse below...with my name inserted!


"Melanie, Melanie, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Melanie, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."


If you don't recognize this verse it's Jesus telling Simon he is going to deny him 3 times. I haven't denied Jesus to anyone, but myself. I've denied him an outstanding place in my life and heart, because when I am going through hard times I lean on my own understanding...which usually results in even more hard times!

I can understand Satan asking to sift me and I can understand God allowing it, not because he wanted me to hurt, but because that's the only way I learn! The last part of that verse harkens back to something my Pastor Kevin told me about 8 years ago...."God will use your life to effect people, he's allowed certain things to happen in your life for His glory." I had forgot about that, but I get it. I'm always learning from others mistakes why wouldn't someone choose to learn from mine?

This was just something I wanted to share...something that provoked my thoughts, maybe it'll provoke yours too!

Technology, It's an Addiction

There was a time in my life when I only had 7 channels to watch, 1 phone I could use, a cassette player and if I wanted to read the news I had to buy a paper. That was life circa 1997! Now, 12 years later I have an Ipod, cellphone (with Internet), satellite TV, email, 2 blogs, a digital camera and I read the gossip (not even real news) at any time I want and when I get home I run to the computer to check my facebook!

The world was supposed to get easier with the addition and enhancement of technology. It was supposed to make the world smaller and make us smarter! I guess, it has lived up to it's claims...now instead of having to get dressed and leave my house I can fully communicate with friends, shop for anything, and listen to the newest songs by my favorite artists all from the comfort of my living room in my pajamas! But with all the greatness it offers technology also greatly hinders us.

How many times have you been in a mall and/or market and witnessed a kid (teens included) walking with their parents but totally listening to an Ipod or on a cellphone (whether talking or texting)? It seems like this behavior has become the norm. I am as guilty as the rest. I don't deny my addiction to technology or my inability to keep myself from using it as a drug. Everyday I use my phone, my Ipod, a computer (several actually) and if I don't par take in at least one of these activities I feel like my day has been wasted with the pursuit of nothingness! It's ashame and very sad, especially because I can actually be in the midst of a fantastic life altering experience, and still I feel the guilt of a wasted day. Guilt because I didn't fulfill a superficial need that I recently developed because the world said I needed it! Wow, how sad!

Have you ever complained about having nothing to watch on your 500 channels of TV? Or are upset because there's no new gossip on a blog site and none of your friends have posted anything new on a social site? How about this...have you ever been jealous of a friend's phone? Yes, their phone! Because your phone isn't as new or pretty or sophisticated as theirs...my best friend has an Iphone and I was completely and totally envious of it. I have gotten over it since she got it, but there was a time when I just wanted it! Addiction rearing it's ugly head.

And that's it isn't it? Technology and jealousy go hand in hand, their blog is better, I want a site like hers, she's his facebook friend but not mine! Jealous, jealous jealous! He has an Ipod with video, oohhh I want that Flat Screen High Def 64 Inch wall mounted Television! Then the pursuit of technology turns from I want to I need! I need that new state of the art washer/dryer. I need a mac! I need the plasma, blu-ray with the attached coffeemaker and phone. No, You Don't!

We don't need any of these things. We want them definitely...have to have them certainly, but our lives DO NOT continue or end if we don't get the new X-Box. And I know this because at 30 years old I have never owned or played an X-Box and I'm perfectly content, but maybe that's the problem? If you don't want it, you don't need it! I But if you crave it (or in reference to addiction feen for it) you need it.

I don't need my small gadgets but I enjoy them and yes I crave them, but my life will continue without them. Will it cause me grief? In the beginning, but as I ween myself off the technology teet, I will return to the small wonder of a 17 year old who was content with 7 channels, 1 phone, books and newspapers and cassettes (which I actually do miss)
But I'm not ready for that just yet!

Its very clear to me that my brother is the favorite child, I just don't understand why I have to change my plans to accommodate THEIR favorite!

New Website Alert...

I've lamented for a long time about how lots of people (me included) think all Christians are uptight with no sense of humor...luckily I happen to be surrounded by some very funny, laid back (and some are VERY VERY LIBERAL) Christians!


Well I found a new website by a Christian who actually speaks at conventions but is REALLY funny! Every time I read it I bust up Laughing Out Loud (or lol in text)! I enjoy the site so much that I have to give it a short out! It's

www.stuffchristianslike.net

What's even more funny is if you happen to type in .com instead of .net you get the website of a Chevy dealership! Didn't know Christians liked Chevy's that much! Anyway, check it out it's funny, it'll make you laugh! And if you've grown up in church, worked behind the scenes, are a P.K. or just show up on Sundays and hide in the back you'll find something on here that you'll relate to!

Also, I'd like to give a shout out to www.tebowseyeblack.com for posting something from stuff Christians like...that's how I found it!

Until Next Time...