An Open Letter to my Mom

  I know you look at me and try to figure out where you went wrong. You search for the answers of why I am the way I am and how it all came to be.
  I'm sure I'm not the person you imagined I'd be when you first looked at me. Those pregnant days of hoping, wishing and fantasizing, and now, 30 years later I'm not who you'd thought I'd be. I'm not the normal girl I'm sure you wanted. I don't like to shop, I don't like to get all dressed up and go out on the town. I don't have boyfriends mulling around. In fact, you don't even think I'm nice. I can understand that, because although I haven't had a hard life, I'm not really a nice person and I have an amazing chip on my shoulder. I'm stubborn, easily angered, melancholy, sullen and mean...I'm my father in all sense of the word.
  Clearly, you thought I'd be somewhere else at this point in my life and maybe you've given up on me. I can understand that too, because everyday I fight to not give up on myself. I'm not making excuses just telling the truth. I know I've hurt you and I am truly sorry for those moments. Truly sorry for my words, actions and attitude. I'm sorry that I haven't lived up to what you pictured me to be. There is nothing I can say to really express or explain the way I feel or how truly sorry I am. Everyday is a struggle to just be sane. To not crawl into a dark pit and stay there forever.
   I hear what you say, sometimes it's painful to hear. But I think you think you're helping, but those digs really hurt. I am vividly aware that I have no relationship, few friends and no children. To be reminded of my failures in life isn't as fun as you might think it is. In fact, it's not fun at all...especially since I'm not in denile enough to not know them. By the time you were my age, your life and family had begun, but I feel like mine is stagnant and waiting for something. But I don't know what that something is. Everyday, I struggle with the fact that this may be my life, as is, for the rest of my life...lonely and alone. But that is what I have to accept and I hope that one day you'll be able to accept that to.
  
   You may not understand me or why I do some of the things I do, but the choices I make are my own. I make them to try and better myself. I have felt myself slip into a pattern of bad choices, going after and longing for things I don't really want. I changed myself to be in a world where I really didn't like myself, where materials make you happy and people were thrown away for the pursuit of those materials. I stepped away from that to find myself. To find happiness in me, because if I can't be happy being me then I can't be happy. If I'm destined to end up alone, I should at least be happy with myself and I wasn't happy with myself.
   I'm trying to get closer to God, although I know I'm falling short of that goal and I'm trying to be a better person. I may end up being the person without true friendships, but if I have a strong relationship with God then I'll be okay. Maybe I'm clowning myself, but this is a life I'm learning to live being true and being me. That's my focus, I hope you understand that and why I've moved away from certain people in my life.  As we grow, we move on to different things, we change...I'm changing I'm trying to turn into an adult, which I've been putting off for 10 years.
    It is very clear to me that my father doesn't like me. I hope that you don't feel the same. That to me would be the ultimate heartbreak, because no matter where I go, what I become and how far I fall I will always need you. You've always been on my side and I don't know what I'd do without you.


    I hope you read this, I hope you understand a little more about me. I hope that you can forgive me for all the times I hurt you. But if you can't, I can understand that too.


    I'm Sorry and I Love You,


          Melanie