My Lists...

I'm a list maker,
I make a list for everything.
Partly because I'm forgetful and
partly so I have something to do.

I've been in the process of writing two separate lists for the past couple months.
but because my mind is ever changing I haven't been able to come up with a list that is satisfactory

then today,
staring at the draft of one of the lists, I realized.
it doesn't matter.
It' doesn't matter how many lists I make
or what the lists are for
none of it will happen

no matter how much I hope
or pray
or wait
or think positively about it
it's all for not

because I'm here and I'm stuck
and my lists mean nothing.
so I give up.
why make a list?
if I don't even care any more
if there's no hope left

I'll just be sitting over here
living a life of hopelessness

24 hours

That's all I'm giving myself.
That's all I can afford.
I can't sit at my desk and cry all day.
of course, I should have stayed home
but that would have been worse than sitting here crying.

At least I'm getting something done.
Hopefully it's correct.

24 hours is what I'm giving myself to move on.
and get through the crying phase.
everything else will move slowly
but I'm only allowing myself to wallow for 24 hours.

then it's time for me to put on my
boots and keep moving.

Finding Clarity

  God has a good sense of humor. I think he laughs all the time, I mean, we're a funny bunch of people and I think he laughs at some of our antics and silliness. But as good as his sense of humor is, he's also broken-hearted by (dare I say) most of the choices we make. (I honestly don't know where that came from, totally not the point of this post).
 
  Okay...take two!
  One of the reasons this move was so hard was because of the house I moved into. Although it is a nice place and my roommate is a sweetheart we live in two very different ways. And within a week of her being home from holiday I was praying for my own place, a place of my own without a roommate. However, God told me to wait. He very clearly told me there was a reason for my stay here and that even though I didn't understand it I would. All I had was trust and faith because I know that God had placed me in this situation for a reason and I couldn't really question it.
  Well, it has finally become very clear why I was put here, what the reasons were and why God found it fit for me to be in this place with this person. One reason was to keep me from becoming very isolated, which I can easily do. If you let me I'd become a recluse and have no real problem with it. I also think I needed to be with someone because the aloneness (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up) would have been a shock to the system. Also, I won't go into details, but this year has gotten difficult for my roommate and just when we think things are leveling out, something else happens. I think that God put me here to help her financially and emotionally. Sometimes when you hit the wall you just need someone there to make sure, even in the smallest way, that you'll get back up. I only hope that my presence, how ever small can help her in some way.
   But with all that said, I feel that God is starting to reveal more to me. After a drought and me not hearing him, I feel like he's starting to open my eyes, ears and heart again and show me these things. He's giving me information and things to look forward to. Some of them are things that I was starting to wonder about. I was curious to see if he'd really come through with them. And even though none have come to pass yet, I know that when I'm ready he will be too (or the other way around). I'm actually ready now, at least I think I am. But I'm not sure if that's truly the case. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all it in tales. and apparently He doesn't think I am either. God's timing is always perfect.

   So I'm finding things a bit more clear...I'm starting to see a direction. Now all I have to do is stay on it and keep moving. Because I know it will get harder and I know that I may fall...but I can get back up. I know with His help I can do it.

Ghosts from the Fog

They move hazy, heavy in their weightlessness
through the foggy fields
confusion fills their faces
as their clothes tell stories of bygone eras
They are drowned in a misty light
shining eerily through the pre-morning darkness.

I see them, but feel no fear
only a concern for the lost souls
for they are lost,
they are seeking a place of refuge
a place to call home.

Slowly they march across fields
reenacting the very battles that left them here
dead
there's nothing left for them
these soldiers
all has moved on without them.

But still everyday
they battle and long for home
scared
or fearless
I cannot tell.
But sad and lonely
I can see distinctly

Facebook Rant

To any who are coming here trying to figure out what's going on with me...
if you've read my facebook rant, if you've spoke to someone else, if you're concerned...
here you go.

Yes, the facebook rant was real (I was asked that this morning).
Yes, I was dead serious about everything I sad,
especially the part about not texting me
Yes, I turned off my phone
No, it has nothing to do with you.

I'm not the type of person to go on a rant then say it was a joke.
I believe in the power of words and I write them meaning something
If it doesn't sound like I'm joking, then I'm not.

If I say don't text me, don't.
It means I don't want to talk,
It means I don't want to listen,
It means I want to be left alone.
and Yes, I'm serious when I say it.
Often times too many people want to fix it
when all that needs to be done is nothing
all that is wanted is silence

Whatever happened and whoever it happened with is no ones concern but mine.
Because I'm the only one who can fix it.
And here's the fix, since you must know.

I'M DONE!

I'm done, because no one is worth me feeling like crap
no one is worth my heart being broken
or my tears
or my dreams
or my fears

so I simply and respectfully ask that you just leave me alone.

I've deleted my facebook and my twitter.
if I write I'll write,
if I instagram I'll instagram

I'll call this a re-evaluation of myself and my life.
and move on from here.

and please remember this post
if you call or text me and I don't answer
it's because I'm not ready
and I'm still to raw to deal

Fixin'

I don't need fixing.
I don't need hugs and kisses
I don't need "it's going to be okay"
I don't need encouraging words
or happy sayings.

I don't need questions
I don't need answers
I don't need any of that

I need to learn
I need to sit back and leave it alone
I need to unplug
I need to be alone
I need me

Here before...

falling
falling and no one sees
or no one cares
I'm falling
the only thing left for me is the crash
the crash that leaves me broken
broken
in pain
but that's the only way to know
to know
I'm still alive
because pain is what I know
comes easy
comes natural
comes even when my world is good
comes to break my heart
to devastate me
I'm broken
never healed
not enough time to mend
before the pain comes back again
I see myself
less and less
because fractures leave cracks
breaks leave scars
my broken my wings to fragile
they will never carry me off
so still I fall
waiting for the crash
that will always leave me
in pain

24hrs

Not even that.
I can't get an hour
need to be left alone.
Can't even be left alone

All Me

I did it to myself
I let myself hope
although everything said don't
I did anyway
and where did my hope get me
here
which is no where
with nothing
not even hope
I'm back where I started
with no one to blame
but myself
naked and unwanted
Alone

Back...

and just like that...
I'm back in the valley

Wondering

I've been wondering if anyone would care if I was no longer here...
I'm pretty sure the answer is NO...
because if no one cares about me while I'm here,
why would they care if I was gone?

Stunned

It's amazing how you can give give give to someone...
How you can be a shoulder
an advisor
and a friend
without asking for anything but the same in return.
Then the one day you need them they show you how many fucks they give...
Which is none.
Thanks for that, I now truly understand my place...

in the matter of moments it can all come crashing down!

Movie Review - Beautiful Creatures

 I am a sucker for adaptations. If I find a trailer that intrigues me then learn that the movie is based on a book I'll go out grab the book and read it. Once I'm done I'm bubbly with excitement to see the film. So, my journey through Beautiful Creatures was just that. I read the book in two days and loved it. I couldn't wait to see the movie, but when it came out I was too busy packing to move to go out and see it. Then once settled and ready I found that it hadn't done well and was pulled from theatres. So I've been waiting since March and finally, last night I laid across my bed and watched it.

  IT SUCKS!
 
  Oh the disappointment that slowly seeped into my heart as I watch this side show of a movie. It really was something I can only shake my head at. Hoping upon hope that it would get better...I only found it getting worse.
  I'm so very happy I didn't spend theatre money on this crap fest. Now, because I enjoy adaptations I know that things get changed (I'm not one of those, it's not like the book people. I generally understand and enjoy subtle changes that enhance a movie). Some characters are dropped, some things that have no direct effect on the plot get erased. I also know that sometimes with a book series screenwriters will down play "small" characters because they don't know how important they will be later on in the story (see Neville Longbottom in the HP movies/books). But this movie took that all to a new level. The true title should I have "Beautiful Creatures, a film loosely based on the book of the same name". For a film based on a book they took very little of the book and put it in the film. In fact it left out so much that I don't even know how anyone could call it an adaptation.
  In this post Twilight teen book to movie world we have been spoiled. Although Twilight was terrible it was true to the book. The Hunger Games, which was monumentally better, was also very true to the book. This movie couldn't even get the smallest detail like "Uncle Abner's" favorite food correct. It was like the writer (who also directed this thing) changed things just because he felt like changing them, fandom be damned.
  I won't go through every change (because that would take FOREVER) and some I can agree with, like taking out the dog, Boo Radley. Others especially those of great significance, like Kelting (which is a telepathic way the 2 main characters speak to each other), are just baffling to me. And merging two very different, yet very important characters (Amma and Aunt Marion) was the beginning of the end. This is just one part of this franchise's Neville Longbottom problem...because these two characters have very different roles to play, but they have to play them separately they cannot be played by the same person...it's too much and by the end of it we'd all be wondering if she's an immortal. Also, by merging them they all but got rid of the main characters mother who, even though she died about 6 months before the start, plays a great role in her son's life and this story. and the fact that she's just recently died and left her son pretty broken hearted isn't addresses either. Oh, back to the Neville problem...you can't say that screenwriter didn't know what would happen, because during the filming the final book in the series was being published and the series writers were on set and could tell him what and why certain things needed to stay the same.
  This film also single handedly turned 3 Oscar nominated actors into quite possibly the worse actors ever on the planet earth.  I was really excited about Jeremy Irons being cast and Uncle Macon, but it turned out to be completely wrong.
   But the worst thing I can say about this movie is that it's worst than Twilight. Yes, as bad as Twilight was overall (if you look at the source material BC is a much better book than Twilight to start with) this movie is quite literally worse. From the writing to the acting to the special effects  (which are horrid) to the overall feel it was all just BAD!
   And to think, they're going to make 3 more movies...hopefully, they find a better director and allow the two ladies who wrote the books to write the screen plays.

   I also wanted to say this, I really don't like the fact that Ethan (the POV character) calls Lena (his girlfriend) a Bitch. We already have a problem with how men treat women and to have a movie aimed at teenagers show that type of interaction (whether it was warranted and whether he apologized or not) it was completely unnecessary. It just reinforces what certain parts of society (and yes the Twilight franchise was based on) male dominance and control over women. These aren't the types of things we should be showing the next generation.

   Don't see this movie...don't spend your time or money on it. Not worth it at all!

   Until Next Time!

    ~m

The Loneliest Day

 
Easy...Sundays.

 Or at least it use to be. Since moving my weekends have been filled with doing nothing on Saturdays and a Sunday of church and errands. Once my tasks were done, I was back home and settled in with only TV to keep me occupied I realized I was bored and lonely.

 Not so much that I was lonely in that I have no peoples to hang with (cause I do and let's face it I'm lonely even when surrounded by people). But more of the fact that these radical things are happening and I have no one to share them with. Having a profound experience at church or being completely energized with no one to help me control my inner dialogue or to bounce questions/ideas off of. I found myself stuck in a runt either dreading the following workday or lying across my bed insta-stalking people (stalking people through Instagram). I was starting to think that all these people, so I know, most I don't have these wonderful almost perfect lives. If you look at all the carefully picked, filtered and photo shopped pictures on the screen you start to get that feeling. You start to think that you're the only one who's life is a big pile of suck. On those Sunday afternoons I slowly started to dig myself into a hole wishing for other people's happiness instead of my own and wondering why my life, even in picture never looked as good as everyone else's...then I heard some very wise words.

  "If you compare your fractured life to someone else's fractured life then you will always stay fractured."

  It's not new...it may be different words, it may be put in a new/different way, but it's a sentiment I've heard before. It's just that this time the impact it made and the way it made me feel was a first. Because in that moment I knew that the Sunday afternoons sitting putting a story to someone else's pictures was slowly killing me. Although I cannot tell you whether these lives are fractured, I can tell you that whatever the circumstances they are not right for me. My life is my own, created through a unique set of circumstance, experiences, choices, traumas and tears. So whether I'm looking at someone else's perfect or fractured life I know, it wouldn't work for me because they haven't walked in my shoes (and I haven't walked in theirs).
   So I sit on my Sunday afternoons and try to figure out what I want. What I'm doing and who I am. I'm not dreaming of someone else's life...I'm dreaming of my future. Am I lonely? I don't know, that thought hasn't entered my mind. Am I bored, No not any longer. What I am is solid and content. I'm okay and right now, that's all I am asking for.

   Until Next Time

      ~m

Stumbled Upon...

this post (that's the link) I wrote in 2011.
It feels as relevant to me now as it must have when I wrote it.
So take a look at it.
I hope you understand the sentiment.
I hope you see that you are good enough.

Until Next Time

~m

Piece of the Puzzle

Who was I kidding?
Only myself...
I thought I was important enough.
I thought I was special enough,
but I was wrong...so thoroughly wrong.

It's okay
I have to start over
I have to find what I need
who I need
what's important to me
because I put my trust and hope in the wrong people

I will fall
I will step off the path
I will continue to be disappointed
I expect it
I know it's coming, so why do I even act like it's not possible?

Because
I've always hoped that it would be different.
I'm okay
I will be okay
I will fade into life
and not look back
you'll remember me one day
and wonder what happened

and I will be living a new life
free from the disappointment
free from the hurt
and when you hear my voice in your head
you'll know
you were a piece of the puzzle
that drove me away

Receiving Sermons

 
  I've been thinking a lot lately about Sunday sermons and how they effect me. Specifically my overall reaction to them. Since arriving in Ventura and at the City Church my response to sermons has been drastically different than it ever has been before. Spiritually, emotionally and physically the sermons have an impact on me and leave me thinking about lesson after I walk out of the church. I've been wondering if this is a product of God really speaking to me through this new place or if its simply me being more open to hearing him.
  I'll be honest, over the last few years (probably since 07-08) I've been mad with God. I've been stubborn, distant and uncooperative. So going to church, worshiping in an authentic way and really listening to the sermons wasn't a priority. It also became more and more difficult to be engaged at Marina. I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of the sermons or the worship. Listen, I'm not blaming anyone or trying to say that Marina isn't a good church with good people. I know for a fact that Marina is a wonderful church and that the worship and sermons touch and connect with lots of people, but for me it lacked something. Which brings me back to wondering if it was just me? My baggage, my attitude, my lack of wanting anything because I was checked out of everything.
  Remember unhappiness, true deep unhappiness , can keep you stagnant, lonely and unwanting. Do I think I had depression? I'm not sure, but I know I was truly unhappy and I blamed that on God. Whether that was the right thing or not I don't know, but it is the truth of the matter. Because of that blame I was very much closed off. I told myself that when I was ready and when God was ready things would change, but I wasn't really ready to take that first step. But God was and He did and I followed his lead. Things changed and my outlook on life changed. I started to look at things differently and slowly my unhappiness drained away...but I still wasn't hearing from God through Marina.
   Once I got here, to Ventura to the City Church, all that changed. My heart changed...I was engaged and overjoyed and every part of the service connected with my heart. Every part from start to finish was made for me. And the rare Sundays (2 in fact) I don't go it effected my entire week in a negative way. Now, my mindset, my relationship with God and my heart are different and I wonder if the change is me or the church I'm attending?
   It would be easy to say it was the church to compare and say I like this better than that. That's the easy way...but it's also the truth.  I think that now, I'm willing to listen intently and learn. Because I'm truly seeking God's heart and His plan for me I'm really trying to learn it in what I'm hearing from the front of the sanctuary. So I guess it is me? I guess it's my heart...because it's where it needs to be and I'm not wishing I was somewhere else. I'm finally at my destination and I'm trying to continue my walk with God in
a new way. I guess this is just a part of that. My heart is open and I'm not burdened by my surroundings anymore.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Break...

 

  Having a place to spew my unfiltered ridiculousness in 140 characters or less is a danger to me.
   I'm on a break from Twitter. I realized that its toxic for me at this moment. I shouldn't really be allowed to just, you know, type crap into the universe. Now, you can say the same about this blog, but I filter here. I read through what I write here. I edit out and correct things here (even though it doesn't seem that way). And here, in this place, my ramblings have more meaning for me. I'm not just complaining or whining or being reckless here, like I am on twitter.
   So, I'm taking a break. I'm trying to see how/if I can or need to go back there. If I need to share every thought that pops into my head just because I have a user name and access to the Internet. I don't think I do and so far I'm happy about it.
   I do have to say however, if something big happens in the world of any royal family twitter is the first place I'll go...it's just faster and easier to get the information but until then...
   I'm on a break
   Until Next Time

   ~m

It really is the smallest things

  

that can make you the happiest.
The tiniest, randomnest but most thoughtful things that can give you all you the reassurance you need.

Place with No Sound

There's a place in my head that has no sound
it's a place of dreams and life
lights and peace
It's a place I always long to be

I am myself in this place, I open myself up
I understand myself
myself wants, needs and dreams

This is the place I keep secret
the safest place I can be
there is no fear here, only joy
there is no negative here, only love

There's a place in my head that has no sound
in that place the flowers grow
the wind blows
the water flows
because in that place its green and free

Nature can bloom
God walks among it
admiring his works
I sit and watch in awe
in this place where there is no sound

There's a place in my heart that has no sound
where my life is a canvas of colours running wild
where God laughs and hold my hand
and I know that I am going where I need to be

There's a place in my head that has no sound
my escape...
that only allows me in when life gets too hard.
It's my paradise

Out on a limb

Out on a limb
The loneliest place to be
Waiting, wondering Is this really all it could be
The magic has faded
The rest has turned to sleeplessness
And unhappiness creeps closer
Out on a limb
The journey has begun
But the road is different then expected
Missing things that never mattered
Losing sunlight on the things that do
Out on a limb
That's where I stand
A decision made, a dream come true
But why am I stranded on a limb
If this is what I wanted?

Need to Vent

  
Just a few things I need to get off chest.

Yes, I moved...yes it's far.
Get over it!
I don't have to explain my decisions or actions to you especially if you have no influence on my life other than seeing each other at work.
You're never coming to visit me, I have no desire to hang out with you so I don't see why you're so put out by where I live.
And as far as wanting to know why I moved so far, I don't see how thats any of your business.
I moved when and where I wanted because thats what I wanted.
It doesn't effect you the slightest so get over yourself and stop asking me questions.
 
Yes, it cold in this room...You don't sit in this room for 8 hours a day.
I've explained to you why it's cold.
I've explained to you why I choose to have the temperature at this level.
If you sat here maybe you'd choose something higher I don't know.
But you need to stop commenting about how cold it is EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you walk in the room.
Its not going to make me turn up the heat.
Really all you're doing is irritating me and pissing me off.
If its the 5th time you've walk in and you say its cold for the 5th time please know I will ignore you!
 

Thanks for listening

Post about Victoria...just because

  Yesterday was the investiture of the new King and Queen of the Netherlands. Most people don't know that I'm secretly obsessed with all things royal. Not just the British Royal Family, but all of the most of the Europeans and I'm becoming increasingly interested in the Japanese Imperial Family as well (for those of you who didn't know there were still royals out there...there are...quite a few actually).
   Any who I spent most of yesterday in engaged in photos of tiara, ballgowns and just overall royal splendor...but today I decided to spam some photos of my favorite royal.

    Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden, I like her for many reasons...but enough with the writing here are some photos of her! Enjoy

  

 

 

The gentleman with her in some photos is her husband Prince Daniel and the baby is their daughter Princess Estelle.

Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

The Look

  

   Since I've moved there have been a fee times where I've encountered someone whose reaction to me has been weird, to say the least. I mean, the look that comes over their face when they meet or see me.
  

   It's kind of disconcerting to have it happen 3 times in what...8 weeks? It's never really happened to me before. I've never really had someone look at me laughing/smiling, them once they see me their face drops. It's very difficult for a person with low esteem to see that look come across someones face upon a first meeting. And, in turn, I spend way too much time analyzing what it could mean.
  

   But that's what I do, I over think...enough to write a blog post about it just so that I can stop. Maybe one day I won't notice a look like that, or maybe I will and it won't phase me. But for now, I wonder why....and I'm at a loss.

Cuss Away

   I've never liked the sound of cussing...it's always rubbed me the wrong way. Although I don't cuss a lot (I go through periods when I cuss more than usual), I know I need to stop altogether. Now, don't get me wrong sometimes, on rare occasions, there isn't any other way to convey your emotion. I get that. And some people just like to cuss for whatever reason, but I'm not that person. For me its a vice and something I don't believe I should do...in a any I feel like it's just one more little useless thing that's keeping me from being who God wants me to be.
   So I've decided to stop, cold turkey (although I've technically already messed up). I'm going to start controlling my mouth and the words that come out of it. Our mouths are a direct link to our brains which our a direct link to our hearts and I don't want my heart to be full of cuss words. I want my heart to be too full of other positive things, so much so that a cuss word couldn't even find a place to stand, let alone sit and stay awhile.
   Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to sound judgemental or sensitive about it. I don't control others, nor am I trying to or wishing to. Only myself...I'm not going to get offended by cussin or foul language, I just know that for me it's not something I want to partake in.
   Alright...I just had to get that off my mind...on to other things now. Like...finding a snack.

   Until Next Time,
  
   ~m
  

Compassion

   No matter what I try to say I'm not the most compassionate person on the planet, honestly, my compassion levels are near empty, especially with people I don't like. My attitude has always been such that if/when I'm done with you, I'm done. I have no further need for you, so your hardships and strife don't really concern or phase me. I may hear about it, be forced by politeness to act like I'm concerned, but once that time has past my reality sets in and I don't care, not concerned and will frankly, forget about your problems. Compassion is not my strong suit.
   So today when I found out that someone at work, who has been quite sick for a while has had their leave of absence extended until the end of Summer I actually started to tear up. My heart was broken for them. My heart, already hurt from yesterdays terror (today's the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing), barely held itself together at the thought that this person is continuing to suffer from a serious illness. It's just depressing and non sensible. The reason why this is noteworthy is that I really don't care for this person. This person is a bit of a pest, a knit picker and busybody...their absence has been a bit of a blessing, but at that moment all of that was forgotten and my heart was simply broken.
   I'm on this new journey with God...I've asked him to make me into the person He wants me to be...and in the very first instance, the very first time I have a Christlike response is when I hear that a person I don't like is still suffering from illness. We thought they were getting better, but in fact, they're only getting worse. My reaction was a broken heart and a well up of tears. I didn't cry, but I was different. Because I wasn't pretending to care, I wasn't playing at upset, I was truly and genuinely upset for this person and their family.

   Yesterday, I wrote the following on facebook as my reaction to the Boston Bombings, "If we, as Christians, truly pray for our hearts to be broken by the things that break God's heart then we should all be broken right now" I never knew that this was part of my journey....

    But I guess God's ready for me to be broken and compassionate.

Maturity...not with age

   We just had a harassment training...like 2 weeks ago. We were told what was appropriate and what wasn't. For someone like me the things that offend me vary, but most times I can let it go. If I can't let it go I'll speak to the person and let them know I didn't appreciate whatever it was they did or said. Ultimately I don't see the need to go to the office admin or someone else to settle a problem when I can handle it like an adult. I feel like I have a pretty mature way of thinking about that sort of thing. Others, however, will run to the admin at the drop of a piece of paper and tell not what happened, but some tall tale that involves many things that didn't...in the end everyone ends up having issues.
   So, like I said...we had just had training...I had just sat through a training telling people to be conscious of other people's personal space, to not touch people and to generally make wise, mature decisions. I was standing at the copy machine working, a Secretary walked quietly in through the door behind me and stood right behind me trying to pull little pieces of my hair. I didn't feel her pulling my hair but I did feel the presence of someone behind me. I spun around and in one irritated breath said, please don't do that, I don't like that. She, in a very dismissive way, said that I was being grumpy. I replied I wasn't being grumpy I was being honest about something I didn't like or appreciate which is people walking up behind me in a effort to scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. She replied with well we all have things we don't like....
   We had just had training...and I instead of running to my office admin, turned and told this person I didn't like or appreciate their behavior. They dismissed and belittled it. Not a very mature way of handling the situation, which was started in a very immature way. This person is a few years older than me and has been at this place for a number of years...but still the training, the life experience have not made them mature enough to handle a situation with care. Instead they reverted to name calling and sarcasm. Despite the training, despite seeing cases involving these type of situations everyday they still acted immaturely.
    Which tells me one thing (which I already knew, but was reinforced) Maturity does not come with age.

change of direction...but not really

 this has nothing to do with anything else I'm going to write, but I really want a cheeseburger and fries right now! just thought I'd share


  A few weeks back I posted that I would be revamping this blog. At the time I thought I just meant the colour scheme and layout...but after a Sunday full of questions, prayers, and introspection I know exactly how this revamp will go.
  I'm starting on a (new) journey of spiritual awakening and identifying. I've been trying to walk with God for a long time now, but I've never actually been sure of what I was doing or self-confident enough to believe I was doing it correctly. But now, I have focus and I want to be happy and joyful. I'm trying to grow into the person God intends me to be.
  Now, I've never shied away from speaking about my relationship and journey with God on this blog, but it's about to get deeper. For some, this may not be a comfortable thing, but for me, it's a place where I've found I need to be. Because things in this life have to change. I'm not longer satisfied with being content, I want more. My happiness and my life (the one I want) can only be defined by who I am...not in myself, but in God, but I have to find who I am in God before I can live it. So that's the journey I'm setting out on. I'm going to find myself in God. I'm going to let myself be spiritually bare and let God build me back up.
   There will be tears, there will probably be anger, and confusion...but my writings will be a showcase of this journey and I hope that you, my faithful readers, will walk along with me. And pray for me through it.
    I do have to say that I'll probably go on an occasional rant about the random nonsense of my day, but that's to be expected.

    If it gets too intense for you here I have started a new blog www.venturaonmymind.blogspot.com  It's about my experiences and life in my new home city. So if you're interested in lighter fare...pictures, comedy and goofiness come on over.

 
  Until Next Time

  ~m

Clueless

  Sometimes I just want to shake you and tell you to open your eyes to something other than yourself.

  No, he doesn't confide in you, probably for the same reasons I don't.
  Because you'll trivialization our feels, our intentions and our goals.
  You'll question why we want something, but not to help us think it through...to help you keeps us under your control.

  Ultimately you'll make it all about yourself and we'll be stuck just sitting there wondering why we even bought it up.

   You say you have no idea what's going on with him.
   How is it that I do?
   Maybe it's because I watch and listen and observe him. I pay attention!
   Maybe I don't badger him with questions. Maybe I sit back and when the time is right I ask him something about it.
 
   Maybe I see the calling and I'm allowing him to figure it out for himself...because that's what I would want.

   Why you haven't seen it?
   Why you haven't questioned it is baffling to me.
   It's probably because you're too busy running around trying to look busy. Or ignoring anything that doesn't have to do with what you're interested in.

   You stand here and "Complain" in your passive aggressive way thinking I'm going to be as surprised as you when you "drop" the information or you think I'll give you some sympathy.

   Your son won't give you any information about his life...but what you have failed to understand is that me, your daughter, also won't give you any information...

   but you've never really wondered why...have you?

On my mind

   I don't want someone else's happiest, I want my own.
  
   I feel inadequate and unloveable
  
   I'm the only person who can change my opinion of myself...why haven't I?
  
   It's always easier to expect disappointment because that's what I know.
  
   My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want.
  
   I don't need you to push me, I don't need you to decide what you think is right for me. I can figure those things out for myself.
  
   I focus on the negative...because the positive is foreign to me.

Don't know Why...

    I've started watching the Duggars on 19 Kids and Counting again...I'm not sure why, but I like that show. I don't agree with 90 percent of the things they represent and I get very frustrated about the way they push certain gender roles on their children...but I like the show and for the most part I end an episode shaking my head, but with a smile on my face.

    It's always interesting to see other people perspectives and life styles, especially one so very different from my own. I enjoy it and at least it's a positive reality show for a change.

    That's all for now!


     ~m

Listen Dude

   ENOUGH!

   Stop coming around with your smile being all cute and stuff.

   Stop stopping by and talking to me.
  
   I'm done with it.

   I'm done!

   So you need to be done too

   Okay, just go back over there and leave me alone over here.

   And don't look at me when you walk by!

   Just stop.
 
   I just can't take it anymore.

Realizations

 
   It just dawned on me...I'm still holding on to things. It really can't be helped though. I'm trying my best to change my perspective but I still see the world through this foggy prism.
   
   I think my mother (I think both my parents) expected me to be clingy to all, text and be needy after I moved out. I haven't done that, there's been too much built up over the years, too much time spent deciding how I would handle our relationships once I was on my own. I decided that I would let the cards fall where they may, but I wasn't going to do any extras or go out of my way to repair something I didn't break.
  
    I've realized that I need to let go of the bitterness I have. I still work with my mother, I still have to see and deal with her regularly. Most of the time she's coming to chat because I'm not around to ignore her at home, but its an everyday thing. At first I was irritated, I wanted my space, but now its, a whatever situation. I can understand that she wants the communication, but I'm not so sure I want as much. I see that she misses me and apparently so does my father. But I'm not there, I'm not at the stage where I feel I need to call and speak to them everyday. I don't want to know about the madness that has kept rolling through that house. I'm just trying to get a handle on life and my direction. There are so many things I am still adjusting to, I don't have time to miss anything and I don't want to hear about the negatives, that's why I left.
  
    But all that being said, I have to change my mindset, I have to be a little more open. I need to except that they are who they are and that they will never really understand how I feel. I also need to let go so that I can move on to the bigger and better things in store for me. I need to see where a positive relationship with them can take me.
    Unfortunately, I have a feeling I'm going to end up being back where I started just 70 miles to the North.

Angry

The anger I feel for you is fleeting
Because I'm reminded that I know and understand why you chose to react to me this way
Jealousy and selfishness don't become the person who's supposed to care and support you.
You did what you felt was right, but you also did what you wanted, because of your own need to be needed.
For a time I did need you,
I needed your advice, opinion and love.
But I also needed to grow up, something which I think you chose not to see.
You told me what not to do because you were looking at how you thought I should be.
You dismissed my desires, because they meant I'd be walking away.
Then, once I'd chosen my path and started on my way you closed the door behind me.
I understand why,
but it doesn't hurt any less.
I know now that for some people, no matter how much someone is drowning, they won't help because it would damage there perfect view.

Your view is that of someone who can't accept that people have to move on.
You think of their movement as rejection.
It's not, sometimes it's simply time to find something else in this life.
It doesn't mean that friendship is over, it just means there will be new stories to share.
But, I'll see it your way and I'll move on...because that's what you expect and clearly want.

but I can't say I won't be angry with you from time to time.

Tired...

  I live in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation...
  I've done it to myself, but still it's there.

  At this point it's almost 10 am and I could fall completely asleep if I had a nice comfortable chair to sit in.

  Waking up at 4:30 am is not the best thing in the world
   especially when my body isn't ready for sleep until about 11pm.
 
  But every night I force myself into bed hoping my mind will shut down and allow sleep to take over.

   It hasn't been easy but at least I can say that today is Friday so tomorrow will be a good sleep in day. Hopefully I'll get my fill!

Don't Rush

   I've spent many many years going to church. Not just going, but actually being involved. When I was 8 years old my aunt decided I was going to start going to church with her and I was going to be on the usher board. Now, at that time, in that church, the usher board was actually unofficial the youth group...a youth group with big responsibilities. After years of doing this every Sunday, spending long days and sometimes full weekends (seriously, 8am Saturday til 10pm Sunday), I got tired of it and quit. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth (well, not necessarily that experience of the usher but the experience of that church and it's people) and I didn't really get back into church again until High School.
   In High School I attended a youth group led by an wonderful woman. I only went on the weekday youth night, I never went to the Sunday church service. I so thoroughly enjoyed that experience, but it ended in a way, that again, left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was finding that Church was full of disappointments (not God, the people) and it never felt like a place for me to experience anything other than work and disappointment.
    Finally, at 18 I was recruited to sing at a church. I did it to help, I did it for the need and want to sing, so I became apart of a worship team. I didn't understand really what that meant. Spiritually I wasn't ready to lead in anyway. I wasn't mature enough in anyway, but I wanted to sing and I didn't want to let anyone down. Ultimately, the love of the attention I received was much easier to accept than taking the time to step back and I find my spiritual self. But I enjoyed my Pastor and most of my time there...but over the years, I never felt like I was growing spiritually. I ended up being there singing and doing things behind the scenes for 12 years. I found that after a time I wasn't happy. So when my job situation changed, meaning I'd have to work Sundays, I ran and didn't look back. Once that job was over I went back sporadically...but it wasn't a serious commitment anymore. I didn't feel like the that particular church could provide me with the things I was so desperately looking for. So, I wasn't going to commit to anything, no matter how many people wanted me to. I had grown enough to know that I wasn't in a place to lead and I wasn't doing anything to get to that place.
   Skip to now...I'm in my new place with a church that I'm very excited about and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm not going to commit to anything, I decided that...along time ago.
   I'm working on my walk with God and we decided together that I wouldn't commit to anything until I felt His call...not some else's. I wouldn't look into being apart of worship, or volunteering until I was ready for it. I NEED to be served for a while. I NEED to just sit in the congregation and not worry about when I need to get up and sing again, how my throat feels and anything else that has, in the past, taken me away from listening to God speak.
   So, I'm not rushing...I'm taking my time and I'm loving it! God will let me know when its time...but right now its not!

Focus

   Funny thing about moving...your focus changes. Things that you used to not think about shift to the foreground and things that once consumed you yield there once lofty positions.

   I thought about that this weekend. I thought about all the things I used to wonder about, all the scenaros I would run through in my mind. All the daydreaming I did and I realized that not only do I not do those things, but when I tried to recall them, they were hard to even remember. Why, you may ask. Because they were my escape. A place in my mind where I could wander off to. Where I could escape whatever unhappiness I was living in in that moment. Now, that I've accomplished one of my biggest goals I no longer have to escape from unhappiness...because I am happy. Content in the life I'm starting to make for myself.

   My focus now isn't about the unknown life I wish I was living, but the unknown world that I'm excited to explore on my terms when I want, how I want. My focus is on.mu present and on my future. But as much.as I want to focus on my.life here I also need and want to focus on my walk with God...because without Him. I wouldn't even br here. So my focus is different, some moments its a bit overwhelming but for the rest of the time its amazingly wonderful. Guess this means I'm an adult now