August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Focus

   Funny thing about moving...your focus changes. Things that you used to not think about shift to the foreground and things that once consumed you yield there once lofty positions.

   I thought about that this weekend. I thought about all the things I used to wonder about, all the scenaros I would run through in my mind. All the daydreaming I did and I realized that not only do I not do those things, but when I tried to recall them, they were hard to even remember. Why, you may ask. Because they were my escape. A place in my mind where I could wander off to. Where I could escape whatever unhappiness I was living in in that moment. Now, that I've accomplished one of my biggest goals I no longer have to escape from unhappiness...because I am happy. Content in the life I'm starting to make for myself.

   My focus now isn't about the unknown life I wish I was living, but the unknown world that I'm excited to explore on my terms when I want, how I want. My focus is on.mu present and on my future. But as much.as I want to focus on my.life here I also need and want to focus on my walk with God...because without Him. I wouldn't even br here. So my focus is different, some moments its a bit overwhelming but for the rest of the time its amazingly wonderful. Guess this means I'm an adult now