Here before...

falling
falling and no one sees
or no one cares
I'm falling
the only thing left for me is the crash
the crash that leaves me broken
broken
in pain
but that's the only way to know
to know
I'm still alive
because pain is what I know
comes easy
comes natural
comes even when my world is good
comes to break my heart
to devastate me
I'm broken
never healed
not enough time to mend
before the pain comes back again
I see myself
less and less
because fractures leave cracks
breaks leave scars
my broken my wings to fragile
they will never carry me off
so still I fall
waiting for the crash
that will always leave me
in pain

Back...

and just like that...
I'm back in the valley

Wondering

I've been wondering if anyone would care if I was no longer here...
I'm pretty sure the answer is NO...
because if no one cares about me while I'm here,
why would they care if I was gone?

Stunned

It's amazing how you can give give give to someone...
How you can be a shoulder
an advisor
and a friend
without asking for anything but the same in return.
Then the one day you need them they show you how many fucks they give...
Which is none.
Thanks for that, I now truly understand my place...

Piece of the Puzzle

Who was I kidding?
Only myself...
I thought I was important enough.
I thought I was special enough,
but I was wrong...so thoroughly wrong.

It's okay
I have to start over
I have to find what I need
who I need
what's important to me
because I put my trust and hope in the wrong people

I will fall
I will step off the path
I will continue to be disappointed
I expect it
I know it's coming, so why do I even act like it's not possible?

Because
I've always hoped that it would be different.
I'm okay
I will be okay
I will fade into life
and not look back
you'll remember me one day
and wonder what happened

and I will be living a new life
free from the disappointment
free from the hurt
and when you hear my voice in your head
you'll know
you were a piece of the puzzle
that drove me away

Angry

The anger I feel for you is fleeting
Because I'm reminded that I know and understand why you chose to react to me this way
Jealousy and selfishness don't become the person who's supposed to care and support you.
You did what you felt was right, but you also did what you wanted, because of your own need to be needed.
For a time I did need you,
I needed your advice, opinion and love.
But I also needed to grow up, something which I think you chose not to see.
You told me what not to do because you were looking at how you thought I should be.
You dismissed my desires, because they meant I'd be walking away.
Then, once I'd chosen my path and started on my way you closed the door behind me.
I understand why,
but it doesn't hurt any less.
I know now that for some people, no matter how much someone is drowning, they won't help because it would damage there perfect view.

Your view is that of someone who can't accept that people have to move on.
You think of their movement as rejection.
It's not, sometimes it's simply time to find something else in this life.
It doesn't mean that friendship is over, it just means there will be new stories to share.
But, I'll see it your way and I'll move on...because that's what you expect and clearly want.

but I can't say I won't be angry with you from time to time.

Dread and fear...

There have been many things running through my head lately. The possibility (or certainty) of my heart's desires coming into being has left me feeling a variety of emotions that run randomly through every part of me...joy, relief, anxiety, nervousness, disbelief, uncertainty. But mostly impatience...because I want it to happen already...I want to all to be over, I want to begin living the life I've always dreamed of.

I haven't deluded myself to the fact that its going to be difficult. I'll have my moments of frustration and anxiety and the total overwhelming feeling of being terrified, but I know with all my being this is what/where I'm supposed to be. I know that God is pulling the strings making things happen...finally giving me what I want.

In truth, my nervousness doesn't even lay in the decision or actions. It lays in having to deal with the reactions of my parents. And that really isn't nervousness, its dread. I dread having to deal with them. Because they won't understand, they won't care what I want...they never really have. They only care about how this will effect them, because my life has, until this point, been a series of hits and bruises that have been for no one else's good but their own.
I'm ready to begin my life the way I want it, to eat a meal with out being asked 10 times in the first five minutes how it tastes. Or being able to leave and not have to explain where I'm going and why...or hearing my father voice and being terrified he's going to explode and reduce me to tears because my brother didn't put the dishes didn't get put away or someone left a sock in the living room. But those are my hang ups, those are only things I see and experience...things that I long to get away from because they are slowly eating away at my soul. I fear that instead of being proud they will shoot down my decisions , instead of being supportive they will be negative and spiteful. I fear these things because they are what I know.

UPDATE:

I've finally told my parents about my decision and did not receive the reaction I thought I would. Instead of hostility, anger and emotional torture I got indifference, which in itself is another form of emotional torture. Basically the reaction was "whatever" and I don't feel like they support me...but that's fine, I have support. As long as they don't ruin this for me...there's really nothing else I'll ask for.

Until Next Time

Not Myself

I don't feel like myself...
I feel distant and weird and not in control, not confident

This all started off so perfectly, my excitement was barely containable, but my excitement faded into doubt and nervousness...the overhwhelming fear that eats away at my heart and soul.

I don't know what to do! I don't know who I am right now...my whole life feels like it's falling apart instead of moving forward.

It's in these moments that I'd usually say God where are you? But I know where he is...he's exactly where I left him. I should be saying where am I? Why did I allow my doubts, my self harm to pull me away from the one who loves and cares for me. The one whose steps I'm following. The one who is beside me leading me forward because he knows I can't do it alone.

Why am I here, the storm before the calm. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this, it's all overwhelming, it's all too much. I know you put this in motion, I know you are giving me the desires of my heart, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. As much as I want it, I don't know if I can have it.

My "Light"

  In the last 10 years or so I've had a few people tell that they see in something in me. My light, I've been told, is something that can draw people in and I should shine this light and use it for God. I've always wondered about this "light" and why only certain people see it. I can be cynical (which I'm becoming more and more) and say that these folks all had some hidden agenda...that if I followed their lead and allowed my light to shine in the direction they suggested that they would actually gain from it too. But that's too simple...that's not going to give me the answers to my questions.

   What questions you may ask...well here's they are....What's this light? Where is it exactly and how are only a handful of people seeing it and not everyone around me (ironically, as I finished writing the sentence the answer popped into my head)? I want to see the light in myself...to know it's there and see in myself what others see in me. I often wonder what makes me the type of person to attract the people I have around me? Because even though, they're silly, crazy and a bit too much...they are amazing in so many different ways. And though there aren't many, the ones I keep close are an eclectic group from many backgrounds, beliefs and walks of life. So, what is it? Is it a light that draws them to me...me to them? Is there something that I cannot possibly see because I'm too blinded by questions and disbelief? Or is this light just an illusion or those who are trying to get me to be apart of their team?

  Since I second guess everything, I'm sure I'll never truly know or understand the answer. And even then I may still second guess it. I'm sure those people, like all that are in my life (whether for a long or short time), are put there by God. They're only telling me the things He wants me to hear and know...it's up to me to take the leap of faith and believe them...but it's just so hard to believe that I can do anything or be worthwhile enough to even have a light that people can see. I still wake up and wonder why people want me around.

   That's my dilemma, those are my questions and this is the end of my post.

   Until Next Time,

    ~m

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

Where Has My Joy Gone?

I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, but it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.

This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb was going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.

I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the normal. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.

This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my unhappiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.

No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.

It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

Friendships and Labels

I've been thinking about the state of my relationships...and how I have friends that have become like family and friends that haven't. The essence of most of my friendships have been built up over years and years and have turned into that most intimate of friendships, where the lines blur between my friends and my family. In fact, if you really want to see this in my life you need to look no further than my "Mexican Family" who I've know since 1993 and who've over time, become my second family Mother, Sisters, Brother, Aunts, Uncles, Grandma and Step-dad. There are no longer any lines to blur because they are my family. This has also (I've recently discovered) occurred with my friend Kristi and her family. I see her very much like a sister and less like just a friend everyday. 


Wait, before I continue...let me say that these are my feelings and if others don't feel that way toward me I'm okay with it...it's important that people know how I feel about them...and this is how I feel. I'm not doing this to ask for love in return.


  Okay, she (Kristi) has become like a sister to me...her family, like mine and my love for all of them just grows and grows. But there are some relationships...that even though I love the people I'm in them with, I don't look upon like family. In fact, I've questioned whether or not I could ever actually look at them like that. My answer was a hard no. Not hard as in inflexible, but hard as in it was a hard question to answer honestly. 
  We put labels on ourselves and the people around us...friends, family, best friend, acquaintance, parent, child...we apply these labels and most times don't allow them to be removed or replaced with anything else. I've found that although for some, I find it easy to replace those labels, for others the labels aren't something I want to replace...not one bit, not at all. 
   I've had a few best friends in my life and of the few only one would I consider family. But I've also known her since I was in 5th grade, so if she isn't family then she's a fungus I can't get rid of : ). The others are people who, though I love them, I don't see them as family. There are many reasons for this...but I think the biggest reason is the fact that I'm not able to confide in them the way I can with others. There are things that I wouldn't/won't share because I don't really believe they'll listen, care or want to know. For a best friend, that's a tough thing to say, but it's the reality and even though I know that they'd say that's not true, I see their reactions and body language tell a different story. I've never actually felt that I could really truly tell my best friends everything about me, my feelings, my problems, and show them my true deep self. In fact, I've always felt like there was some underlying competition on going, trivial....but still there and very present...at least to me. Every so often I'm actually surprised at how well they know me...but it's a fleeting feeling when I can't really bring myself to talk about it further.
   It's troubling, in someways, that I've viewed (and very much continue to do so) these relationships this way. It would be so much easier, simpler and nicer to think of these best friend relationships as more than that. But ultimately I keep them in that category to keep myself from the ultimate pain, heartbreak. Would I like to remove or replace this title and claim the best friend as a sister...to share and show myself wholeheartedly knowing that I'm supported and cared for? Yes, but that's easier said than done. It starts with the truth....and it never ends. Fights, love, anger, forgiveness, truth and openness...these are friendship....a family make. And without even one I can't see changing a friendship (best or not) into a family.

A familiar Prayer

  Every so often I find myself in the same predicament, it's probably mostly my fault, but I end up in the same place non the less. That place is lonely and somewhat friendless. I'm not saying that I have no friends, because I do. I have a good couple of friends who I know I can lean on when times are tough and vise versa. But, they're married...and at some point when our relationships began....they weren't. I feel like I've missed the bus on that, but that is a whole other deal. It all comes back to the same thing, we are in different places in life, the freedom in which I navigate is not the same for them. I honestly (and as much as I love them I sometimes) just want to partake in the freedom my life affords me, but I want to do it with a partner in crime. 
   This reared it's head the most when my Best Friend was having marital problems. I started to give her advice based on what I wanted for her and not for what was best for her and her marriage. Because, on the horizon, I could see us leading the single girl life together and loving life. In reality, her situation was not for me to change or sabotage for my own personal benefit or gain. So I removed myself and walked away. I was honest and told her the truth because in the end, it was all about me being unsatisfied, unhappy and not wanting to project that onto her. Luckily she understood, but in many many ways it's still true. Although things have changed, I still would love to find someone my age who isn't married, doesn't have kids and will put up with my craziness. 
   I'm starting to sound like a brat I know. And even though that's so, its not my intention. Because all the women are answers to prayer, I don't think I've ever told them that, but it's true. I can look back at instances of praying and the woman who came into my life as a result of it....sometimes even without me knowing until later. As much as I adore my friends...I'm still in this place of loneliness, I'm searching for a friend to help fill it...coming back to the familiar prayer that leaves my heart, but in the end...maybe I'm asking for the wrong thing?
   Maybe it's not the friends I have, but the person I am?
   
   

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

The older I get the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for isn't in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not.

My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?

Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...

The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?

You Can't Fight Her Battles

  You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
   It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
   A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
   He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.

   So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.

Mad at God Revisited

 A few posts ago I wrote about a friend of mine who was mad at God (here) I went on about how she shouldn't be mad at God because he is preparing something more for her and she just hasn't seen it yet. I also related her tale of woe to my own. I was fairly levelheaded when writing out that particular blog post. Even after writing it God gave me the opportunity to minister to her and try to express everything I wrote about, so that she could understand the real truth behind the story.
 Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
  As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
   I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will  look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.

I Am Alone

God don't you see me? You don't, do you?
Don't you hear me?
My soul's crying, the tears can't be stopped and the only one who can do anything about it won't.


I'm on borrowed time, aren't I?
This journey of mine is almost up
I'm moving on to something that I cannot control
There's nothing I can do but sit and wait as my life sinks slowing and passes me by


God don't you care?
I've asked for this, (in the scheme of things this one thing is tiny compared to the building of the world)
But I can't have it can I?
There's nothing for me here


My world is full of pain, lost in the grieving I'll never come back from
You've left me here, alone
I've done what you asked and still nothingness over takes me
I can't feel the sun anymore and my heart is broken, again


I'm in the dark calling out, for this; but this will never come.
Will I continue to have my heartbroken, my mind punished for wrongs I can't remember?
What have I done to deserve the unending anguish
Why do you hate me?


I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone


This is where I'll always be
No one sees fit that I may be loved
I am weak before the end of me
Calling out my soul finds deaf ears


Tears are cried forever, even when they don't run from my eyes
I have been abandoned
I have been pulled into this world of decay, to die
Alone


Never failing to understand that the one thing I want I can never have
My life is set to be marked with disappointment until death comes for me
Then and only then will I truly understand what I've never been allowed to have
On that day the pain will kill me again


My life means nothing and I steal away from the skies
I cannot repair my heart and you only see fit to allow it to break
Am I not deserving of love?
Am I not meant to be loved?


I see your answer everyday, my life in shambles and pain
You put me here in torture
God has left me in pain.
I am alone