Sad...

 It's been 9 days since George Zimmerman was found not guilty and the country is still trying to figure out why. He killed an unarmed teenage boy who was walking home from the store. Trayvon Martin was stocked by a man who was acting as neighborhood watch and assumed, because of his attire and skin color that he was possibly behind the recent rash of break ins in that gated community. It was called self-defense. I will say that I do believe that Trayvon was beating him up, but I know that he was told not to follow Trayvon. He was bigger than Trayvon so he really didn't need to shoot him when he could have used his body weight. Instead, he pull out his gun and shot him.

 I'm not writing this to debate the merits of the case or to say the jury was wrong. The purpose of my writing this is to try to convey my fear I have for young black men like my brother. He's a youth leader at his church, and will one day be a Pastor. He has a job that he goes to and works hard at everyday. He read comics, loves movies and hanging out with his friends (most of which he's know since Kinder or First grade). He's never done drugs, doesn't party and does not drink. He's a good man...but he's black. In a city, state, country, world where brown skin is still looked down upon as inferior and negative, it's hard to know that my brother could be put into this same situation as Trayvon because some guy with a gun has decided he's had enough (or the police thinks he "LOOKS" like a suspect).

 I naively thought that when the US elected our first Black President that we had evolved as a country. That things like this wouldn't be blasted across our headlines, but I was wrong. I put too much faith and hope the change I saw...and now, I sit here and pray for my brother's safety. When I see a young black man walking down the street I pray for his safety. I pray that he won't become a victim of a society that will never fully realize it's full potential because it's still clinging to the attitudes of the past.

  While people are protesting and outraged by the verdict, I'm been left sadden with a heavy heart. I have only prayers to offer and questions to raise. But I'm also left with an overwhelming sense of fear.

  Until Next Time.

  ~m

I feel for Paris Jackson.
I can't even imagine what her life has been like
What she's feeling or why she felt like she had to go to this level to get help.
Apparently this wasn't the first time, but it's the most serious.
She needs help
She needs someone to look after her, who can
I'm sorry, but her 83 year old grandma (although I understand why Michael picked her )
may not be exactly what she needs.
She also doesn't need people around her
who will use her for fame or fortune.
I feel for her
I pray for her
and I hope she's okay.

Dawn sparks the start of a new day
decisions must be made
feelings of safety and sanity must be eased.
This day comes with promises
hopes, dreams and concerns
the decisions made today will lay the foundations
The start or the wait
I'm not sure which is best
not sure which I should choose
but a choice must be made
and I'm the only one who can make it

I can see clearly now....

I'm still thoroughly mad and ultimately very hurt
but, what I have realized is I'm the only person who's hurt by all of this.

I'm not going on about my feelings to stir up sympathy
or to have people feel sorry for me.
In fact, I don't really expect any of that.
concern is fleeting.

Anyway, I'm clear today.
no tears, just forward progress
there's no reason for me to dwell
on the things I now know aren't real.

It's time to focus on what is
that's life
good, bad and ugly
it's also me.
here present and trying to understand
what this life is all about.

I'm not going to worry about what
anyone but myself
because all people ever do is disappoint.

It'll get better and I'll learn hard lessons
but in the end I will be better
because you have to travel through the dark
to appreciate when you're in the light.

Broken heart or not

Facebook Rant

To any who are coming here trying to figure out what's going on with me...
if you've read my facebook rant, if you've spoke to someone else, if you're concerned...
here you go.

Yes, the facebook rant was real (I was asked that this morning).
Yes, I was dead serious about everything I sad,
especially the part about not texting me
Yes, I turned off my phone
No, it has nothing to do with you.

I'm not the type of person to go on a rant then say it was a joke.
I believe in the power of words and I write them meaning something
If it doesn't sound like I'm joking, then I'm not.

If I say don't text me, don't.
It means I don't want to talk,
It means I don't want to listen,
It means I want to be left alone.
and Yes, I'm serious when I say it.
Often times too many people want to fix it
when all that needs to be done is nothing
all that is wanted is silence

Whatever happened and whoever it happened with is no ones concern but mine.
Because I'm the only one who can fix it.
And here's the fix, since you must know.

I'M DONE!

I'm done, because no one is worth me feeling like crap
no one is worth my heart being broken
or my tears
or my dreams
or my fears

so I simply and respectfully ask that you just leave me alone.

I've deleted my facebook and my twitter.
if I write I'll write,
if I instagram I'll instagram

I'll call this a re-evaluation of myself and my life.
and move on from here.

and please remember this post
if you call or text me and I don't answer
it's because I'm not ready
and I'm still to raw to deal

Here before...

falling
falling and no one sees
or no one cares
I'm falling
the only thing left for me is the crash
the crash that leaves me broken
broken
in pain
but that's the only way to know
to know
I'm still alive
because pain is what I know
comes easy
comes natural
comes even when my world is good
comes to break my heart
to devastate me
I'm broken
never healed
not enough time to mend
before the pain comes back again
I see myself
less and less
because fractures leave cracks
breaks leave scars
my broken my wings to fragile
they will never carry me off
so still I fall
waiting for the crash
that will always leave me
in pain

All Me

I did it to myself
I let myself hope
although everything said don't
I did anyway
and where did my hope get me
here
which is no where
with nothing
not even hope
I'm back where I started
with no one to blame
but myself
naked and unwanted
Alone

Back...

and just like that...
I'm back in the valley

Wondering

I've been wondering if anyone would care if I was no longer here...
I'm pretty sure the answer is NO...
because if no one cares about me while I'm here,
why would they care if I was gone?

Stunned

It's amazing how you can give give give to someone...
How you can be a shoulder
an advisor
and a friend
without asking for anything but the same in return.
Then the one day you need them they show you how many fucks they give...
Which is none.
Thanks for that, I now truly understand my place...