It's Sad

You know what's sad?
When you aren't surprised anymore because you have no hope left.
That may sound weird, but if I explained the whole situation it wouldn't.

I'm not going to go into detail but I'm going to say that being surprised and then having that surprise turn to disappointment no longer seems like something that happens to me.
You see, it used to happen all the time, but I came to a conclusion in my life and since that moment...
these little surprises are just that...surprises.
There's no disappointment that follows, because I know what the outcome of my life will be...
so, you could say that biggest disappointment lies ahead of me.
In that, there's no need for the small ones to cause that feeling.

I'm sure you're more confused now then when you started reading this. So before I delve deeper into my own mind let me leave you with this.

This morning I realized I'm at the place in my life where I NEVER wanted to be...I prayed with all my heart that God would lead me in a different direction and that I wouldn't end up here...but here I stand. Prayers not answered...and in that I find my life headed to my greatest disappointment.

Until Next Time,
~m

Life's Roller Coaster...

but one of those dark indoor ones!
 
Just when I thought I was finally going to get my bearings, when things were going to level out for a while a curve slammed me off balance and a drop knocked the breath from my lungs.
Now, as my roller coaster car enters a phrase of uphill struggle all I can do is sit back and wonder how far the fall will be. Because I know there will be a fall, some curves and more uphill battles in my future...nothing on my roller coaster is easy, because my life doesn't work like that.

Sad...

 It's been 9 days since George Zimmerman was found not guilty and the country is still trying to figure out why. He killed an unarmed teenage boy who was walking home from the store. Trayvon Martin was stocked by a man who was acting as neighborhood watch and assumed, because of his attire and skin color that he was possibly behind the recent rash of break ins in that gated community. It was called self-defense. I will say that I do believe that Trayvon was beating him up, but I know that he was told not to follow Trayvon. He was bigger than Trayvon so he really didn't need to shoot him when he could have used his body weight. Instead, he pull out his gun and shot him.

 I'm not writing this to debate the merits of the case or to say the jury was wrong. The purpose of my writing this is to try to convey my fear I have for young black men like my brother. He's a youth leader at his church, and will one day be a Pastor. He has a job that he goes to and works hard at everyday. He read comics, loves movies and hanging out with his friends (most of which he's know since Kinder or First grade). He's never done drugs, doesn't party and does not drink. He's a good man...but he's black. In a city, state, country, world where brown skin is still looked down upon as inferior and negative, it's hard to know that my brother could be put into this same situation as Trayvon because some guy with a gun has decided he's had enough (or the police thinks he "LOOKS" like a suspect).

 I naively thought that when the US elected our first Black President that we had evolved as a country. That things like this wouldn't be blasted across our headlines, but I was wrong. I put too much faith and hope the change I saw...and now, I sit here and pray for my brother's safety. When I see a young black man walking down the street I pray for his safety. I pray that he won't become a victim of a society that will never fully realize it's full potential because it's still clinging to the attitudes of the past.

  While people are protesting and outraged by the verdict, I'm been left sadden with a heavy heart. I have only prayers to offer and questions to raise. But I'm also left with an overwhelming sense of fear.

  Until Next Time.

  ~m

Babies, Babies and More Babies

 Saturday I went to a 1 year old's birthday party and it was the first time in a long time that I found myself wanting a child. There were babies and kids everywhere I turned and I just became overwhelmed with it all.
  I found myself wondering what it would be like to attend a family party in the park with my kids...wondering if I'd be fun or stressed. Worried or content or just crazed. I wondered what it would have been like to have a husband and my kids at that party. Wondering if I'd have kids who would have playmates their own age or if they'd be in the awkward middle area between big groups of my friends kids.
  Sadly, I brought myself back to reality I was at that party alone...no husband (or boyfriend) or kids in sight. It made the wondering and longing that much more promenate, much more potent and so much sadder. Today, 3 days later I'm still really sad about it.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!

I just realized that there are no more Hostess Cupcakes! AHHHHHHHHH

I know that Hostess went out of business, but everyone was so focused on the twinkie that I didn't even think about the cupcake!

Oh, how I love and miss you cupcake (this after I spent about 20 minutes looking for them on Saturday (at 2 different stores).

I'm so sad now!

Huh

You know the old saying

 "In a crisis you end up taking care of your friends, when they should be taking care of you" 

It's true.
People can't really seem to deal when someone else is in pain.
Instead they start trying to figure out what they could have possibly done to make the other person feel that way or make the other person mad.
That's their guilt.
For whatever reason they feel guilty about something and so
they think the person going through the emotional breakdown is
talking about them

Or it could be selfishness.
that they are so completely self-absorbed
that they don't think the other person
would talk about anyone but them
and how dare they take try to draw focus

Either way, it's not helpful
not to either person involved
if I'm going through it I'm going through it
I usually don't confide because people can never actually help me
I generally don't believe what they're saying to console me
and it leaves me open to be broken later
because whenever or whoever I open myself up to
usually ends up doing the exact same thing to me
in the future.

I can see clearly now....

I'm still thoroughly mad and ultimately very hurt
but, what I have realized is I'm the only person who's hurt by all of this.

I'm not going on about my feelings to stir up sympathy
or to have people feel sorry for me.
In fact, I don't really expect any of that.
concern is fleeting.

Anyway, I'm clear today.
no tears, just forward progress
there's no reason for me to dwell
on the things I now know aren't real.

It's time to focus on what is
that's life
good, bad and ugly
it's also me.
here present and trying to understand
what this life is all about.

I'm not going to worry about what
anyone but myself
because all people ever do is disappoint.

It'll get better and I'll learn hard lessons
but in the end I will be better
because you have to travel through the dark
to appreciate when you're in the light.

Broken heart or not

24 hours

That's all I'm giving myself.
That's all I can afford.
I can't sit at my desk and cry all day.
of course, I should have stayed home
but that would have been worse than sitting here crying.

At least I'm getting something done.
Hopefully it's correct.

24 hours is what I'm giving myself to move on.
and get through the crying phase.
everything else will move slowly
but I'm only allowing myself to wallow for 24 hours.

then it's time for me to put on my
boots and keep moving.

Facebook Rant

To any who are coming here trying to figure out what's going on with me...
if you've read my facebook rant, if you've spoke to someone else, if you're concerned...
here you go.

Yes, the facebook rant was real (I was asked that this morning).
Yes, I was dead serious about everything I sad,
especially the part about not texting me
Yes, I turned off my phone
No, it has nothing to do with you.

I'm not the type of person to go on a rant then say it was a joke.
I believe in the power of words and I write them meaning something
If it doesn't sound like I'm joking, then I'm not.

If I say don't text me, don't.
It means I don't want to talk,
It means I don't want to listen,
It means I want to be left alone.
and Yes, I'm serious when I say it.
Often times too many people want to fix it
when all that needs to be done is nothing
all that is wanted is silence

Whatever happened and whoever it happened with is no ones concern but mine.
Because I'm the only one who can fix it.
And here's the fix, since you must know.

I'M DONE!

I'm done, because no one is worth me feeling like crap
no one is worth my heart being broken
or my tears
or my dreams
or my fears

so I simply and respectfully ask that you just leave me alone.

I've deleted my facebook and my twitter.
if I write I'll write,
if I instagram I'll instagram

I'll call this a re-evaluation of myself and my life.
and move on from here.

and please remember this post
if you call or text me and I don't answer
it's because I'm not ready
and I'm still to raw to deal

All Me

I did it to myself
I let myself hope
although everything said don't
I did anyway
and where did my hope get me
here
which is no where
with nothing
not even hope
I'm back where I started
with no one to blame
but myself
naked and unwanted
Alone

in the matter of moments it can all come crashing down!

Out on a limb

Out on a limb
The loneliest place to be
Waiting, wondering Is this really all it could be
The magic has faded
The rest has turned to sleeplessness
And unhappiness creeps closer
Out on a limb
The journey has begun
But the road is different then expected
Missing things that never mattered
Losing sunlight on the things that do
Out on a limb
That's where I stand
A decision made, a dream come true
But why am I stranded on a limb
If this is what I wanted?

The Neighbor

   I've had some very "different" neighbors...the sweet old lady, her drug selling son with baby mama drama, a guy who thought he was a movie start but really drove a semi for a living and finally a guy who painted his house a multitude of different colours and got beat up by his tenant. Yup, in my 20+ years in City Terrace I've had and experienced my share of neighbors. Some good, some bad, some annoying and some just weird. But, they all fail in comparison to the neighbor I now have in Ventura.
   Two weeks before I moved my little sister Danae and I went up to doing some cleaning and get a general feel for the place. Well, I had been told about the neighbor briefly and I didn't think twice about him. He was basically described as a kind old man who looks out for his neighbors and their property. I'm sure that's what most people see, but after that first (and only real) encounter I think I'll keep my distance.
   He heard us in the back patio and asked if we were Jennifer (the roommate) I said "No, I'm the new roommate" and we each walked out of our respective gates to the driveway. We introduced ourselves and he began to talk. One of the first things he said was that he had no problem with... and this is when he raised his arm and started rubbing it his skin with his other hand (indicating skin colour). I was instantly uncomfortable and Danae was instantly pissed! He then, after a few more not so P.C. words, turned his attention to Danae asking her if she was "brown" and saying he has no problem with brown people either because he married a Native American woman. At that point Danae excused herself from the conversation and went back into the house. I stood out there for what seemed like a VERY LONG TIME and listened to him talk about whatever popped into my mind and the only other thought I had besides how can I get away from him without being rude was, "I need to have a serious conversation with Jennifer about him". He totally creeped me out...he talked about the complex "sheriff" giving out tickets, the rash of thieving they had a few years back, how his brother helped build this complex, how strict they are about the trash cans  being put away...but he also talked about how he's gone through her (Jen's) mail. RED FLAG!
   Although I don't think he meant to be this way, the more he spoke the more creeped out I got. Finally, he made some comment about how he was using my park space and that Jennifer told him she was leaving her car somewhere else while she was on holiday. He tried to politely suggest I use her space instead of my own, so that he could continue his little arrangement. When I told him I had no knowledge of this her leaving her car elsewhere or him using my park space he just tried to push it more. At that point I just excused myself from the conversation and vowed never to be cornered by him again.
   I've only seen him twice since that day, once the day I moved in and once during the week. Both times I was on the move and didn't stop to be polite. And I really don't intend to, is that making me a bad neighbor? Maybe, but I don't really trust him and he makes me uncomfortable, and as a single woman who mainly is out of the house during the evening (darkness, it can't be helped it's the trains fault) I'm trying to stay away from people my gut tells me aren't okay. So if I am being a bad neighbor then so be it.
    I've always thought and wondered what it would be like to have a normal neighbor...I guess I'll never really know. At least, not anytime soon.